swancherries

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I need to stfu sometimes but then also no I don’t…

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It’s a dream to fit into Brandy Melville

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Needing to remind myself that I am a good person. I am not a bad person. I need to show up on time. Show up consistently on time. Be reliable.

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I love this style

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Joan Baez and Hope Sandoval

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I be off putting sometimes but I think I’m a good person and that my intentions are good

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God I love this style.

I performed my original music for the first time at this open mic this Monday. The audience liked it. I liked it. This super cute and talented musician came up to me and said I was a great performer and couldn’t believe it was my first time. He’s promoting some documentary he made so I guess I have to perform again next Monday just to speak with him. I was going to push the performance, but I really want to keep this momentum up. It’s helping me write more music and I’m experimenting more again.

I’ve been getting high everyday after work.

I really like folk rock and Patti Smith. Not saying she’s folk rock but she’s just dope. PJ Harvey my queen. Shirley Manson. Tori Amos. Bjork. Fiona Apple. Lana Del Rey. Chino Moreno. Jeff Buckley. Amy Winehouse. Thom York. Siouxsie Sioux. Robert Smith.

Those are my main influences at least.

Ofc sometimes in my music I think about Interpol, The Strokes, Nina Simone, Nico, Staind, Hole, 90s grunge a little. I do have a folk approach and sound. And I’m super inspired by punk, goth, and classical art and music. I can get pretty dark in my music. Sometimes surrealist. My music is my music.

Anyway. I think I’ve been eating less. I’ve been getting super stoned after work and I don’t even get the munchies. I just play and sing and write on my guitar for hours. I make 1 or 2 quick quesadillas and then I’m not hungry till the next day.

My music is feeding me. I’m not actually hungry for food. My soul is hungry. I hope it doesn’t get greedy. I just want to share my world. Share my experience. I don’t care to make any money from my music. It is still very much a passion and love of mine. But I would like to connect with people. I like all kinds of people. Or at least most kinds. Or at least some kinds lol.

I went to this rave last Saturday and the organizer was dressed as a construction worker with the yellow vest and hard hat with clown makeup. He came up to me while I was taking a water break outside and he said he likes my dancing. He asked if I make anything too (there were artists who projected their artwork on the walls. It was a music and art show) and I talked about my music just a little. I said I was scared to share and that I don’t really share it at all.

He said I was doing a disservice to myself. He was right. And I know I am. I know I push things off because of my fear of rejection. He said I need to share what I make. If people vibe with it, they vibe with it. If they don’t, they don’t. But how are you going to find people who could vibe with you, if you don’t share? How can you find people who you’re similar to, if you don’t share? He was 100% right and that really pushed me to perform. And now I’m starting to be known as a fellow writer. I’d like to do some spoken word as I do think and write a lot.

That old guy I kinda still talk to said I have a natural rhythm. Not just when I move, but how I speak. My cadence. I think I’d be into performing and creating stuff like that. I need to listen to Jim Morrison more. He did stuff like that. Also learn more about beatniks.

Also I returned that cruiser bike bc I did not enjoy riding it. But I did buy a road bike for $25. It needs the old oil to be cleaned and then I need to add a new lubricant, but it’s better than a cruiser. Like wayyyyy better.

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Guys I just bought a cruiser bike and I haven’t been on a bike in like 10 years I am so fucking fat and weak oh my GOD. I like the bike. It’s nice. It takes a lot of work to ride a bike I totally forgot. I listened to music. I’m high off this peanut butter edible. I do feel really good after riding my new bike. I want to work my body out but in a faster, more efficient, but still consistent way. It doesn’t have to be too strenuous. But riding a bike works the ENTIRE BODY out but can be totally chill and you’re still working your whole body out. I’m so happy I got this bike. Thank you nice coworker from who sold it to me. And thank you delivery driver selling $3 1dozen fresh from the day before cagefree , local, and hopefully ethical I really hope ethically EGGS. I’ve been finally been eating eggs again.

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Juliette Drouet, from a letter to Victor Hugo written c. May 1846

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Audrey Hepburn screen tests for Roman Holiday (1953)

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This is like the cutest outfit omg

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I want to get into more underground films if anyone has any film recommendations.

Also I want to get back into acting because it’s so much fun reading a script with people. And when I say “get back into acting” I’m referring to my little middle school plays like 10 years ago lmao.

There’s this cool video store in my city that offers these free script reading workshops and I was thinking of doing that. Maybe meet some cool people.

For a film lover I’m surprised I haven’t tried getting to know more filmmakers. As a songwriter, I’m surprised I haven’t tried meeting more songwriters. Ofc I used to go to open mics back at my hometown. I found as many music and art spots as I could and I felt a lot happier and motivated getting involved and supporting local art and artists.

I want to be in a movie. A short film at least. I ofc want to model. But I’m so scared to put myself out there.

For my music, at least, I really have been liking Joan Baez lately. I’ve listened to a few of her songs over the past very few years. And with the Bob Dylan movie I started to listen to more of her music. I love how beautifully she sings. I love love love her writing. It’s all very lived and personal. I don’t think she writes for people to relate to her, she just writes her own experiences and her opinions. I want to do that.

I want to write more about social issues as well. All my opinions have love and humanity at its core and I’m starting to have a little more courage to share my thoughts and values online and with people around me. I’m able to articulate myself better. I’d actually like to make some more public statements that isn’t just online. I’d like to write down my thoughts on a piece of paper and post it on a wall or light post in my neighborhood/area. Anonymous because I’m still scared. But I want to share some real shit man.

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So I got the wrong hdmi adapter AGAIN AGH. My friend is getting me a new one tho. Anyway.

I weighed myself. I am 144.8lbs. I knew that already tho. I haven’t weighed myself in months and I feel like I’ve been eating like shit for months as well. Pretty much sedentary or very very low exercise. But I’ve managed to maintain which is better than gaining.

My friend, who yes I sleep with but now I’m celibate until I find someone I love, and I are planning to go to the beach this summer. So I need to lose 10lbs FAST. Like NOW.

Omg… when I get down to 135lbs it’s over for a lot people. I mean… yea I still have a long way to go, but 135lbs? I won’t be overweight anymore and I know I’ll look better than a lot of people. I’ll still look pretty soft but in a way I don’t absolutely loathe. Like I can feel ok wearing a bikini and not feel like a fucking whale at the beach. Weight fluctuates I know that. So 105lbs/110lbs that’s BMI 18.0/18.9 for me. I think I’d be ok with that. I want to be skinny. Pretty. But not scary. Maybe I’m bad for saying that.

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I bought a full sized oval mirror finally.

My scale and hdmi adapter arrived.

I put gas in my car.

I went to the park and went for a walk and just finished the women’s equality chapter in Plato’s Republic.

Also I recently finished the most amazing book. “Demian” by Hermann Hesse. Please read this book. It’s the best book I’ve ever read.

I might go to the jazz club tonight. I’ve been high all day.

I am going to be celibate until I find someone who I want to worship. And who worships me. I want us to devour each other’s soul. I want our humor to catch each other everytime. I want fascination. I want to be held and carried. I want passion and respect.

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2:50pm, June 2014