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[swanswritersblog]

Writing Hour 4/17/20

Last friday’s session produced this creation. I was staring at the screen trying to figure out what to write and ended up writing about the panic I sometimes feel when doing an assignment. Enjoy my stress.

***

Words. I tried to put words on the document but it was too hard. It really shouldn’t be this difficult to write a 1 page introduction. But once I placed my fingers on the keyboard I could feel my hand begin to shake, and I violently ripped them away from it. This is due soon. I need to get it done. I closed my eyes as I brought my fingers back to the keyboard. With a deep breath I attempted to recall the prompt in my head. In a 1 page paper describe your research experience. Be sure to note the highs and lows of asjksndeaks my fingers keyboard smashed for the umpteenth time. My eyes watched nervously as the shaking in my hands increased from a slight tremor to something out of my control. Without thinking, they came together and squeezed to making the shaking stop. Breathe. I placed my clasped hand close to my chest and let air flow out of my nose. It's just a small paper you’ve done way worse than this. I stared back at the screen. It was like that cursor was mocking me, reminding me of the blank page in front of me. A moment of silence passed. The only thing you could hear was the tick of the clock on the wall. My eyes started to blink in sync with the cursor and then insync with the sound of the clock. The moment of silence continued with the blinking and ticking until my arm swiftly slammed the laptop closed. I can't do this. Suddenly I could feel the beating of my chest. I don’t want to do this. The beating became pounding. Why do I have to do this? The air in my chest struggled to climb it’s way out my lungs, but my nose quickly refills them. I can’t do this I don't want to do this I have so much to do why can’t I do it I should be able to.  A short high pitch noise flew through my mouth and my hands were to slow in their attempt to trap it. Why? Tears started to fill the corners of my eyes. Why do I have push myself? I’ve dealt with so much and I just want to be done suffering. Why do I always have to do things I don’t want to? I can’t keep doing this. A tear slid down my check leaving a liquid streak in its wake. Why does it feel like everythings falling apart? Like a roll of film, images of the unpleasant events of my life began to pass through my brain. A sad hiccup sounded in the otherwise quiet room. With each passing image the sound got louder and less tense; until they became full sobs. I hate this. This feeling like somethings wrong with me, the feeling like I’m not good enough. It's not fair. I know I can feel happy so why am I feeling this all the time? I want to quit research. I want to drop out. I want to run away. I want to escape but I can't. I’m trapped and there's no way out. I pushed my computer to the side so that I could use the space for my body instead. My legs and arms found their place curled tight to my chest as the sad wet noises continued to flee my chest. I layed like that without caring about how much time I wasted. I just layed there because I needed to. It was like all the emotions that had been building in my chest finally broke the ceiling that had trapped them. Tears stained the pillow that my face was buried into. And I cried. And cried. And cried. All my thoughts that were once racing had quieted so that I could focus on crying. It felt like a century had passed before I began to run out of tears. Even longer before my sobs slowed. Eventually, my head began to feel less fogged. Blinking got rid of the liquid that hung to my lashes. Instinic made my hand reach for my phone. I fumbled until I found it under the laptop. The time told me that it had been four hours since I first turned on the computer. The whole day is gone. I glanced at the laptop once again. I’m tired. My eyes were trained to it as I slowly came to a decision. I dont have the energy for this. I, then, found myself scrolling through a mix of cats and anime until my eyes felt as exhausted as my heart. My finger took more and more time to slide across the screen and soon I drifted off to sleep. The dreams that filled my head were vivid and illogical.

[swanswritersblog]

Writing Hour 4/10/20

As a means to destress, my therapsit suggested I go back to doing productive self care. So I decided to go back to writing with best friend’s encouragement. This is what I came up with during our first writing hour. I focuses on a girl in love who becomes a lil brave with the help of a drink.

---

“I made a mess again.”

Melissa quickly looked up from her phone to scan Ami over. The petite girl had stood up from her spot on the floor and swayed to keep her balance. A giggle left Melissa's lips as Ami childishly scrunched her face at the mess that littered the apartment. 

The coffee table was littered with snacks, plates and the bottles that the girls had been drinking were piling up on the surface too. That’s really the only thing Ami could take blame for. The rest of the mess belonged to Melissa. Fabric sat on the floor next to her sewing machine and hair mixed with dust throughout the entire room. That’s why she shrugged in response to Ami’s outburst. 

“Its’ fine.”

Ami’s face shifted. This time to allow Ami to mock Melissa like a two year old. “It’s fine.” Her eyes rolled before she plopped her but back down on the couch. She was going to go back to scrolling through Tumblr but the smaller girl decided she needed more of Melissa’s attention. She stuck her head in her lap and stared up with big doey eyes. 

“Play with my hair.”

“I thought you said people literally couldn’t play with it?”

“Yeah but I want you to try…” Did Melissa imagine Ami stressing the word you? She had to have. Or if anything this is just Ami being her clingy drunk self.

Rolling her own eyes, she slid a hand into the bundle of curls. Her fingers began to gently massage her scalp. Ami closed her eyes and relaxed her face. Melissa took this as a chance to take in the moment. Ami’s hair felt soft between her fingers and released the familiar scent of coconut into the air. The pressure of her head on her legs grounded her as she got lost in her the features of her face. Behind round glasses Ami’s eyes layed closed with girlish curled lashes on display. Her plump lips grew into a blissed smile as Melissa rubbed against her head. It was easy to get lost in the calm of the moment. Soon she found herself pulling at a small bunch of curls as she listened to Ami’s relaxed breathing.

“That feels really nice.” 

Melissa hummed as she moved a single curl from the front of her face.

A bing rang loud throughout the room. Both girls immediately reached for their phones. The culprit was Ami’s iPhone, which suddenly thrusted into her face. 

“I can’t type! You message Linda for me.”

“Ami. You aren’t even that drunk.” Melissa still found herself taking the phone and entering in the other girl's password.

“I know! But I’m lazy and tired and illiterate.” She ticked each one off her finger before adding with pinched fingers “and maybe a little bit more than tispy.”

“You're something else.” A quick response was sent to Ami’s research partner before the phone was abandoned on the side table next to her own. 

“But you love me anyway so ha!” She stuck her tongue out. 

Melissa stuck her tongue out as well.

“It’s hot now.” Ami spoke suddenly. 

“I thought you were gonna try to have a little composure.”

“I was but we both shouldn’t have expected me to actually do it.” Ami pulled at the collar of her sweatshirt. 

Melissa grabbed at the bottom of it as she pointed out that maybe wearing sweatshirt in July was a bad idea.

Ami looked down and pouted childishly at her clothes. “But it's my favorite.”

“But it’s making you hot.” She adjusted the nearby fan before suggesting that Ami come sit closer to the cool. What Melissa had not expected was the Ami would come sit in her lap instead of the space to the left of her on the couch.

Shaking her head Melissa said, “What are you doing, nerd?”

“You said to sit closer to the fan!”

“I didn’t say to sit on me!” She was sitting with her legs hanging off her right side and her butt resting on her left leg. Not knowing where to put her hands, Melissa rested them on the couch.

Opting to ignore her, Ami continued her child-like complaining. “I’m still hot.” Melissa noticed her playing with the bottom of her sweatshirt. She started to lift her shirt exposing bare skin. Quickly Melissa grabbed Ami’s hands to stop her. “Ami, how are you this much of a light weight?”

“Melissa,” Ami whined. 

Melissa was confused. There was no way that Ami had dranken enough to act this way. But if she wasn’t drunk what other reason did she have for acting like this?

Ami pulled her hands from Melissa’s grip and chosen to rest them on Melissa's cheeks instead.

“You’re pretty, Melissa.” She looked dreamily at her face before moving her hands to her arms. Gently stroking her upper arm. “And soft too.”

Melissa should stop this. Some part of her is telling her its would be bad for both of them. They should both just call it a night and blame Ami’s behavior on the three bottles that sat on the coffee table. 

But the Ami’s slow hands threatened to unearth feelings that Melissa had buried deep within her. 

“I don’t think this is a good idea.” She stuttered. “You don’t really want this.”

She shook her hand. “I’ve wanted this for a long time.” A hand returned to Melissa’s face. “I just… never felt brave enough to go for it til now.”

Melissa’s heart started to race as she struggled to make a decision.

“Do you wanna kiss me too?” It sounded so innocent coming from Ami’s lips.

With closed eyes the red haired girl took a deep breath. Then her hands reached for the small girl's waist and adjusted her so she was straddling her. Melissa nodded her head in response.

Ami cradled Melissa’s face with two hands and slowly brought her lips down to the other girls. With their eyes closed they both began to push against each other's lips. Ami’s mouth was soft against Melissa’s. She took the lead by sucking at Ami’s bottom lip and was pleased when she moaned softly against her lips. The dark hands left her face and reached behind her to trace the lines in her back. Melissa brought her own hands under Ami’s shirt and rubbed circles across her lower back. Soon her tongue was begging to slip between Ami’s lips. A wish that was quickly satisfied. 

The two girls continued touching and kissing each other until need for air made them separate. Ami’s head fell to rest on Melissa’s causing soft curls to brush against her temples.

“I’ve wanted to do that for a long time.”

It was Melissa’s turn to caress Ami’s cheek. “Honey, you said that already.”

They both chuckled. 

“Melissa, I like you. Like a lot.”

“Are you trying to ask if I like you too?”

There was a hum in response. “Yes, Ami. I like you too. A lot.”

A large smile spread across her face before she nuzzled into the other girl’s neck. Against her smooth skin she asked, “Can we kiss again?”

“I made a mess again.”

Melissa quickly looked up from her phone to scan Ami over. The petite girl had stood up from her spot on the floor and swayed to keep her balance. A giggle left Melissa's lips as Ami childishly scrunched her face at the mess that littered the apartment. 

The coffee table was littered with snacks, plates and the bottles that the girls had been drinking were piling up on the surface too. That’s really the only thing Ami could take blame for. The rest of the mess belonged to Melissa. Fabric sat on the floor next to her sewing machine and hair mixed with dust throughout the entire room. That’s why she shrugged in response to Ami’s outburst. 

“Its’ fine.”

Ami’s face shifted. This time to allow Melissa to mock Melissa like a two year old. “It’s fine.” Her eyes rolled before she plopped her but back down on the couch. She was going to go back to scrolling through Tumblr but the smaller girl decided she needed more of Melissa’s attention. She stuck her head in her lap and stared up with big doey eyes. 

“Play with my hair.”

“I thought you said people literally couldn’t play with it?”

“Yeah but I want you to try…” Did Melissa imagine Ami stressing the word you? She had to have. Or if anything this is just Ami being her clingy drunk self.

Rolling her own eyes, she slid a hand into the bundle of curls. Her fingers began to gently massage her scalp. Ami closed her eyes and relaxed her face. Melissa took this as a chance to take in the moment. Ami’s hair felt between her fingers and released the familiar scent of coconut into the air. The pressure of her head on her legs grounded her as she got lost in her the features of her face. Behind round glasses Ami’s eyes layed closed with girlish curled lashes on display. Her plump lips grew into a blissed smile as Melissa rubbed against her head. It was easy to get lost in the calm of the moment. Soon she found herself pulling at a small bunch of curls as she listened to Ami’s relaxed breathing.

“That feels really nice.” 

Melissa hummed as she moved a single curl from the front of her face.

A bing rang loud throughout the room. Both girls immediately reached for their phones. The culprit was Ami’s iPhone, which suddenly thrusted into her face. 

“I can’t type! You message Linda for me.”

“Ami. You aren’t even that drunk.” Melissa still found herself taking the phone and entering in the other girl's password.

“I know! But I’m lazy and tired and illiterate.” She ticked each one off her finger before adding with pinched fingers “and maybe a little bit more than tispy.”

“You're something else.” A quick response was sent to Ami’s research partner before the phone was abandoned on the side table next to her own. 

“But you love me anyway so ha!” She stuck her tongue out. 

Melissa stuck her tongue out as well.

“It’s hot now.” Ami spoke suddenly. 

“I thought you were gonna try to have a little composure.”

“I was but we both shouldn’t have expected me to actually do it.” Ami pulled at the collar of her sweatshirt. 

Melissa grabbed at the bottom of it as she pointed out that maybe wearing sweatshirt in July was a bad idea.

Ami looked down and pouted childishly at her clothes. “But it's my favorite.”

“But it’s making you hot.” She adjusted the nearby fan before suggesting that Ami come sit closer to the cool. What Melissa had not expected was the Ami would come sit in her lap instead of the space to the left of her on the couch.

Shaking her head Melissa said, “What are you doing, nerd?”

“You said to sit closer to the fan!”

“I didn’t say to sit on me!” She was sitting with her legs hanging off her right side and her butt resting on her left leg. Not knowing where to put her hands, Melissa rested them on the couch.

Opting to ignore her, Ami continued her child-like complaining. “I’m still hot.” Melissa noticed her playing with the bottom of her sweatshirt. She started to lift her shirt exposing bare skin. Quickly Melissa grabbed Ami’s hands to stop her. “Ami, how are you this much of a light weight?”

“Melissa,” Ami whined. 

Melissa was confused. There was no way that Ami had dranken enough to act this way. But if she wasn’t drunk what other reason did she have for acting like this?

Ami pulled her hands from Melissa’s grip and chosen to rest them on Melissa's cheeks instead.

“You’re pretty, Melissa.” She looked dreamily at her face before moving her hands to her arms. Gently stroking her upper arm. “And soft too.”

Melissa should stop this. Some part of her is telling her its would be bad for both of them. They should both just call it a night and blame Ami’s behavior on the three bottles that sat on the coffee table. 

But the Ami’s slow hands threatened to unearth feelings that Melissa had buried deep within her. 

“I don’t think this is a good idea.” She stuttered. “You don’t really want this.”

She shook her hand. “I’ve wanted this for a long time.” A hand returned to Melissa’s face. “I just… never felt brave enough to go for it til now.”

Melissa’s heart started to race as she struggled to make a decision.

“Do you wanna kiss me too?” It sounded so innocent coming from Ami’s lips.

With closed eyes the red haired girl took a deep breath. Then her hands reached for the small girl's waist and adjusted her so she was straddling her. Melissa nodded her head in response.

Ami cradled Melissa’s face with two hands and slowly brought her lips down to the other girls. With their eyes closed they both began to push against each other's lips. Ami’s mouth was soft against Melissa’s. She took the lead by sucking at Ami’s bottom lip and was pleased when she moaned softly against her lips. The dark hands left her face and reached behind her to trace the lines in her back. Melissa brought her own hands under Ami’s shirt and rubbed circles across her lower back. Soon her tongue was begging to slip between Ami’s lips. A wish that was quickly satisfied. 

The two girls continued touching and kissing each other until need for air made them separate. Ami’s head fell to rest on Melissa’s causing soft curls to brush against her temples.

“I’ve wanted to do that for a long time.”

It was Melissa’s turn to caress Ami’s cheek. “Honey, you said that already.”

They both chuckled. 

“Melissa, I like you. Like a lot.”

“Are you trying to ask if I like you too?”

There was a hum in response. “Yes, Ami. I like you too. A lot.”

A large smile spread across her face before she nuzzled into the other girl’s neck. Against her smooth skin she asked, “Can we kiss again?”

“I made a mess again.”

Melissa quickly looked up from her phone to scan Ami over. The petite girl had stood up from her spot on the floor and swayed to keep her balance. A giggle left Melissa's lips as Ami childishly scrunched her face at the mess that littered the apartment. 

The coffee table was littered with snacks, plates and the bottles that the girls had been drinking were piling up on the surface too. That’s really the only thing Ami could take blame for. The rest of the mess belonged to Melissa. Fabric sat on the floor next to her sewing machine and hair mixed with dust throughout the entire room. That’s why she shrugged in response to Ami’s outburst. 

“Its’ fine.”

Ami’s face shifted. This time to allow Melissa to mock Melissa like a two year old. “It’s fine.” Her eyes rolled before she plopped her but back down on the couch. She was going to go back to scrolling through Tumblr but the smaller girl decided she needed more of Melissa’s attention. She stuck her head in her lap and stared up with big doey eyes. 

“Play with my hair.”

“I thought you said people literally couldn’t play with it?”

“Yeah but I want you to try…” Did Melissa imagine Ami stressing the word you? She had to have. Or if anything this is just Ami being her clingy drunk self.

Rolling her own eyes, she slid a hand into the bundle of curls. Her fingers began to gently massage her scalp. Ami closed her eyes and relaxed her face. Melissa took this as a chance to take in the moment. Ami’s hair felt between her fingers and released the familiar scent of coconut into the air. The pressure of her head on her legs grounded her as she got lost in her the features of her face. Behind round glasses Ami’s eyes layed closed with girlish curled lashes on display. Her plump lips grew into a blissed smile as Melissa rubbed against her head. It was easy to get lost in the calm of the moment. Soon she found herself pulling at a small bunch of curls as she listened to Ami’s relaxed breathing.

“That feels really nice.” 

Melissa hummed as she moved a single curl from the front of her face.

A bing rang loud throughout the room. Both girls immediately reached for their phones. The culprit was Ami’s iPhone, which suddenly thrusted into her face. 

“I can’t type! You message Linda for me.”

“Ami. You aren’t even that drunk.” Melissa still found herself taking the phone and entering in the other girl's password.

“I know! But I’m lazy and tired and illiterate.” She ticked each one off her finger before adding with pinched fingers “and maybe a little bit more than tispy.”

“You're something else.” A quick response was sent to Ami’s research partner before the phone was abandoned on the side table next to her own. 

“But you love me anyway so ha!” She stuck her tongue out. 

Melissa stuck her tongue out as well.

“It’s hot now.” Ami spoke suddenly. 

“I thought you were gonna try to have a little composure.”

“I was but we both shouldn’t have expected me to actually do it.” Ami pulled at the collar of her sweatshirt. 

Melissa grabbed at the bottom of it as she pointed out that maybe wearing sweatshirt in July was a bad idea.

Ami looked down and pouted childishly at her clothes. “But it's my favorite.”

“But it’s making you hot.” She adjusted the nearby fan before suggesting that Ami come sit closer to the cool. What Melissa had not expected was the Ami would come sit in her lap instead of the space to the left of her on the couch.

Shaking her head Melissa said, “What are you doing, nerd?”

“You said to sit closer to the fan!”

“I didn’t say to sit on me!” She was sitting with her legs hanging off her right side and her butt resting on her left leg. Not knowing where to put her hands, Melissa rested them on the couch.

Opting to ignore her, Ami continued her child-like complaining. “I’m still hot.” Melissa noticed her playing with the bottom of her sweatshirt. She started to lift her shirt exposing bare skin. Quickly Melissa grabbed Ami’s hands to stop her. “Ami, how are you this much of a light weight?”

“Melissa,” Ami whined. 

Melissa was confused. There was no way that Ami had dranken enough to act this way. But if she wasn’t drunk what other reason did she have for acting like this?

Ami pulled her hands from Melissa’s grip and chosen to rest them on Melissa's cheeks instead.

“You’re pretty, Melissa.” She looked dreamily at her face before moving her hands to her arms. Gently stroking her upper arm. “And soft too.”

Melissa should stop this. Some part of her is telling her its would be bad for both of them. They should both just call it a night and blame Ami’s behavior on the three bottles that sat on the coffee table. 

But the Ami’s slow hands threatened to unearth feelings that Melissa had buried deep within her. 

“I don’t think this is a good idea.” She stuttered. “You don’t really want this.”

She shook her hand. “I’ve wanted this for a long time.” A hand returned to Melissa’s face. “I just… never felt brave enough to go for it til now.”

Melissa’s heart started to race as she struggled to make a decision.

“Do you wanna kiss me too?” It sounded so innocent coming from Ami’s lips.

With closed eyes the red haired girl took a deep breath. Then her hands reached for the small girl's waist and adjusted her so she was straddling her. Melissa nodded her head in response.

Ami cradled Melissa’s face with two hands and slowly brought her lips down to the other girls. With their eyes closed they both began to push against each other's lips. Ami’s mouth was soft against Melissa’s. She took the lead by sucking at Ami’s bottom lip and was pleased when she moaned softly against her lips. The dark hands left her face and reached behind her to trace the lines in her back. Melissa brought her own hands under Ami’s shirt and rubbed circles across her lower back. Soon her tongue was begging to slip between Ami’s lips. A wish that was quickly satisfied. 

The two girls continued touching and kissing each other until need for air made them separate. Ami’s head fell to rest on Melissa’s causing soft curls to brush against her temples.

“I’ve wanted to do that for a long time.”

It was Melissa’s turn to caress Ami’s cheek. “Honey, you said that already.”

They both chuckled. 

“Melissa, I like you. Like a lot.”

“Are you trying to ask if I like you too?”

There was a hum in response. “Yes, Ami. I like you too. A lot.”

A large smile spread across her face before she nuzzled into the other girl’s neck. Against her smooth skin she asked, “Can we kiss again?”