swiftscheerio

[swiftscheerio]

Growing up and finding stability so early on is comforting, but weird at the same time. When I was in high school, I was so easily able to relate to my peers through my interests, crushes, shows, books, and music, I was psychoanalyzing at the time. Now that I’m in a solid relationship and don’t have that same hyperfixation on media consumption anymore, idk it’s like I don’t know how to connect to others anymore.

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This break feels different. The others feel so distant that I cannot remember my emotional state at the time. I just remember feeling bored and having so much time on my hands, but it didn’t revolve around my partner. This time though, I don’t have the desire to do anything. I don’t want to see anyone, I don’t really want to go do anything. It could be in part because of the weather and lack of job this time of year, but I don’t remember my sadness being so deeply intertwined with missing her.

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What a difference this year has been. You really cannot predict the outcomes of anything. You really just have to let them play out. This coming semester will bring new challenges I probably could never have fathomed. The only thing I can really do is relinquish my control and focus on what I can control, the way I react to the things around me. I can’t keep focusing on how she feels about me, it’s time to put that energy to what I want and the world I want around me.

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Almost at the one year mark of my relationship and it kind of feels like slow dancing in a burning room. It’s beautiful and loving, but tragic at the same time. There’s been so many good times and she’s genuinely a good person with pure intentions, but it’s also caused me a lot of pain and torment.

I’ve felt left behind and secondary to what’s fun and easy in the moment. It feels like whenever thing’s have gotten hard, she always found a way to take the easy way. The path of least resistance. And that’s taken a toll on my trust in her. I believe she’s better than the people she’s hanging around, but maybe she’s not when she continually chooses, sometimes even over me. I thought I cared that she didn’t post me much but in actuality I don’t think I am because I don’t really want to have to do that for her. It also feels like the health of our relationship really rests on me, which feels lonely sometimes.

I fear that maybe I’ve been grieving our relationship since the end of last year when I got left at the house party and all that stuff with the birthday party. All the red flags that we’d talked about popped up everywhere. My friends have told me that’ll keep happening and it’s just a matter of how many more times I’m willing to go through it. Truth be told, I don’t know.

What made me want to write this was a video about this guy letting his girlfriend go because he knew they’d never be able to give her what she needed. And there’s something that really hits home for me about that sentiment. That song I love you so by The Walters also really resonates. The whole plea to be let go because you can’t do it yourself.

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Thinking about how the phenomenon of loneliness in a way is a reflection of yourself, cause the two people who I felt really understood how I felt also had a way of pushing people away with their self-loathing.

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It’s so wild that loneliness is such a universal experience, yet it feels like no one else experiences it. Also the fact that I feel like lonely people do a hell of a job concealing it.

a little lonely. a little empty.

olivia laing / fernando pessoa / charles bukowski / unknown / rachel ingalls / lindsay gibson / suzanne rivecca

[swiftscheerio]

The way no app has a good liking system. If you need to reference a post you saw, it’s literally just a thought and prayer that by the cyclical nature of the internet, it’ll return.

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I’m gonna be 20 in a month, and I truly understand that directionless and lonely feeling people talk about that happens around that time. I feel like all the mistakes and firsts I was supposed to have in high school, I’m just now having. You feel everyone around you is temporary in the sense that they could move away in a week, or find love and you won’t hear from them again tomorrow. Idk it’s just like wow you got your nuclear family or else you’re on your own…

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So I just finished Let Me In by Philippe Besson the other day, and I can’t shake my takeaway about the relationships that are only being able to exist in a vacuum at certain times of your life. Like it’s beautiful and you love each other sm, but you can’t see it being able to survive outside of the specific circumstances at this time of your life.

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I’ve gotta say, I don’t think I’m cut out for sales types jobs, like I cannot get myself to convince people to buy overpriced clothes they don’t need and can buy for sm cheaper elsewhere.

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I’m so convinced everyone in retail is just saying anything or spreading misinformation, cause how does everyone who just started there a few months ago, already know everything about everything.

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I need to get back into tumblr shitposting. I was looking back at my posts, and damn I had good advice for myself.

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I don��t know how many more porn bots I can block.

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I’ve been thinking about how Rue’s style is actually pretty underrated. Like they really nailed that skater girl grunge vibe, but also somehow making it look fresh and original.

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It’s frustrating how everything made pre-social media is like an enigma and impossible to find online.

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This shirt is sooo fucking sick, but somehow it just doesn’t have a digital existence. If anyone has any info on how to get it lmk.

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Band tee culture is deranged like why am I about to spend all this money on a gildan hot topic ass shirt.