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swolewhale · 1 year

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Day 1 - The Actual Beginning

Here I go doin the thing. Today was pretty much the same as usual with me. Stayed in most of the day playing Skyrim (downloading a fuck ton of mods and not actually playing). Only time I went out was in the morning for this volunteer thing. Don’t have a life or any friends near me so thought it’d be a good idea to do something that would get me out of the house.

I know that just doing the same shit over and over again isn’t gonna change anything, but it’s not like I can really do anything to change that. I don’t have enough money to just spend on random shit to go have fun by myself, especially when I don’t even know what I enjoy. Hell I don’t even have enough money to buy canned food confidently.

The only thing that I can think would actually make a difference is getting adhd meds, but that requires taking a stupid fucking test that cost 200 dollars for it to tell them the same fucking answer of I HAVE ADHD.

Anyways, that’s not happening anytime soon. My mom said that she’s got enough money to cover the cost in a medical account or something, but I ain’t doing that. I have no idea how much money she has and I ain’t gonna take any more from her. Hell I’m sure insurance could cover it but I’m also sure that they wouldn’t cover even 75% due to bullshit of thresholds or something.

I’m sure the bastards can see my recent history for medical shit. Being in a hospital due to horrible mental health (which wasn’t even as bad as it is now), heavy meds for depression and anxiety that have only been increasing more and more. Surely at some point someone would go “hey this person could die if they don’t get this one thing paid for” but that implies that people work at insurance companies. They only have pathetic excuses for people there.

Anyways, I said I do this to focus on the positives so I guess it’s time for that:

Volunteered at a cat shelter: It was only my second day doing so, but the fact that I even showed up the first day or bothered getting out of bed is something (ignoring the fact that it’s mainly because I’d be too bored being only in bed). Made friends with a couple of wobblers. A lot of the others are a bit more timid of me, but it was just my second day so.

I took a shower: I know, bare minimum, but hey we’re talking about positives. I was gonna do it before the volunteer shift, but then I realized that it would be worthless doing so since I was only going to smell terrible afterwards anyways. Said I was gonna do it after it, and actually fucking did it (the madman). Usually the “I’ll do it later” is actually never for me, so it took me an hour or 2 to do so, but hey, took the shower.

Brushed my teeth: I know, bar- wait I’ve already said that. I’m tying to get into the habit of brushing my teeth after probably over a decade of barely even doing so. Just broke the routine one day and it was all downhill from there. Never had a cavity or any problems with my teeth though, so... Anyways, gotta brush my teeth after I post this, but once a day is better than once a year.

I was going to add “ate food”, but realized that it’s more of a “I couldn’t stop myself from eating a single can of corn” since I don’t have the money to buy more food. Trying to make the shit I do have last a few more weeks, but it fucking sucks. I hate being so fucking hungry all the time. Thanks inflation, capitalism, depression, anxiety, and all the other mental illnesses that I have that may or may not be undiscovered cause that’d just be my luck.

That’s all for the positives so now I guess it’s time for the daily question because it’s my account and I’ll do what I want. Anyways,

What fictional place would you most like to go to?

I lighthearted medieval fantasy world.

Fantasy because it’s my favorite genre. I can imagine that I’m anywhere but here.

Medieval cause DnD, skyrim, and some anime as well make me more interested in that type of magical filled world. I’m sure it could work in a modern setting but I’m more used to the medieval time period having magic.

Lighthearted cause then I wouldn’t have this account and be making these post. Due to the laws of the universe for this world, everyone would be on the more positive side for pretty much everything. I know, unrealistic, but it’s fantasy for a reason.

I’m sure it was more of a location thing, but I don’t really have many that come to mind immediately. After a bit of looking around and seeing my options, either the Comet Observatory from Mario Galaxy or the world of pokemon.

Comet Observatory: Mario Galaxy was one of the first games that I played when I was younger that actually really interested me. It’s one of my favorites, if not my favorite game. The game is very nostalgic for me since it was in a time where I was so ignorant to the world around me. Hell, after many many years of not even hearing music from it, the Comet Observatory theme appeared in a daily mix and I actually cried because of it, so yeah, I hold the game near and dear. I do still have a wii and the game, but the nun-chuck is fucked so I can’t play it right now at least. All that, plus the fact that Rosalina was my first video game crush and that hasn’t gone away at all. Shy quite types get me right in my weak spot of being an absolute sucker for cuteness.

Pokemon: Black 2 was my first pokemon game and still my favorite. I don’t know if there’s a single pokemon that I actually hare or even dislike. I already love animals as is and then you make them pokemon and I wonder where the sign up list has been my entire life. It’s fucking pokemon. Also maybe fucking pokemon. I know the lore, plus you can’t tell me there wasn’t a single mf in that world that hasn’t clapped some gardi cheecks.

Anyways, that’s all I can remember and be bothered to mention today so I’ll end it here. Hopefully tomorrow will bring me blessings (free food).

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swolewhale · 1 year

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Day 0 - The Not Beginning

To the random person who has stumbled upon this:

How the hell...

Allow me to explain some things.

My life for the past 12 years has been absolute shit and has been kicking my ass for so long that it’s made a hole (not that one). Since I have no life and can’t build up the will, energy, or fuck all to actually change that, I decided I’ll do something fucking stupid and broadcast this shit to this corner of the internet.

Now specifically, I’m going to try and use this as a way to focus and point out positive things in my day to day experiences and see if that changes anything cause fuck if anything else does. Therapy doesn’t work, can’t even tell with the meds, so fuck it, something new why not?

Right now I’m at the lowest point in my life, even though that seems to be every passing day so eh; But hopefully years in the future (if I make it that far (or hell if any of us do)) I’ll be able to look back at these post and see how far I’ve come and keep pushing forward since, shit dude, if I got through this then what the fuck can stop me?

Now I also won’t lie, I’ve kinda already done this. Nowhere on the internet, but in a small book, then smaller notebooks, then actual notebooks I think, I don’t remember fully. But I’ve been trying to get this kind of thing going for a bit, but those all failed really. Especially when I started trying to rate the day out of 10. That was not a good idea.

Do I expect this to go on for long?: Fuck if I know. The only reason I’m doing this right now is because I thought about doing it tomorrow, but realized that no the fuck I wouldn’t.

Who do you expect to see this?: I don’t know really. Hell I don’t know if I want anyone to see this. I don’t use this account for anything (or tumblr for that matter). It’s just that, well, I used to do this late at night on twitter where no one would see them, even if the algorithm didn’t already. It was just my sorta venting area but there are a couple of people there that actually know me and I don’t want them to have to deal with my bullshit. One of them is struggling as is and the other is probably better off without me in their life anymore. Not like we’ve really talked over the past few years, but still.

Will this daily blog thingy have a format or any sort of consistency to it whatsoever?: Other than the goal of positivity and the Day ___ thing, most likely not. This is all shit that I just want to spew from my mind and get out there. I might generate a random question for each post though since... well in all honesty I just like answering questions. I have no idea why. Only guess I’ve got is that I’ve been in my own head for so long I just want to share it with whoever finds it. Oh, there is the fact that I’m gonna try to do this every night before I go to bed.

What now?: Now I go the fuck to sleep cause I’ve been tired all day cause the last 2 have been horrible mentally and I think I got all the important shit down. Plus sleep schedule, and shit tomorrow etc. etc. I would wish you a better night that the one I will, but that implies that someone will see this in the first place. Plus it’s a bar that not even Satan can play limbo with.

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