swoonyleg-blog

[swoonyleg-blog]

06/10/2017

accepting ones self is a difficult process for many for the past five years i have accepted that one day i am going to kill myself im not looking forward to it im not counting down the days or enjoying those fragile moments in which i hold a weapon of choice in shaky hands and eventually some sane voice puts it down this part of myself is something i am told to reject to adapt to change to alter a part of my being they want me to go on a journey of discovery sitting in a soft chair and pouring over or just swallow something to suppress any extremities as if extremity isnt the essence of our creation to bleed to fuck to cum i keep my acts to myself, for now at least im not out on the streets screaming im not jumping from bridges or smearing my faeces on the wall shutting myself away for days on end taking half an overdose (a dose?) who is that harming? the world has begun its exodus i am merely following its course what do you expect from me? what you have to realise is that no-one changes, not really you can change the way you act in situations, you can train yourself to think slightly differently but that deep brain voice, the knee jerk reactor. they are all you can be to yourself now we get to the complex idea of self of course and what counts as oneself? i think the only way we can define who we believe ourselves to be is by ourselves unfortunately that makes my view of the world difficult we alter ourselves to be defined by others cut our hair, dress strangely (or normally), dont smear our faeces on walls this is because some may say that our definition of self is greatly affected by how we believe we are percieved this is due to the innate and dull desire of human beings to be loved, to love to reproduce safely i seem to have lost these desires or at least they have been buried by an overwhelming desire the desire for death i suppose by defining ourselves as our desires i can only be defined as dead.

[swoonyleg-blog]

i am overwhelmed