syasjournal - Tumblr blog

[syasjournal]

im gonna dig my own grave if any of my uni friends find this page

[syasjournal]

during our lab session today, my friends and I unexpectedly dig into discussions about who, among us, would get married first. one of my friend suddenly said that "aisya either gonna get married late or super fast, like she's gonna go on a date once and then marry that guy off within 3 months." the reason why she said that i'm gonna marry late is because "you're emotionally unavailable most of the time." i mean, that's lowkey valid, but marrying someone after a mere THREE MONTHS of knowing them? that's wild. i will never do that.

but that kinda got me thinking, does my emotional unavailability mean that i dont deserve to be loved or to have relationship? i think that's unfair for me because i know exactly what i want in a relationship and i can picture it clearly T_T (invalid & unrelated reasoning, i know, but whatever). still, i dont want to trade my peace and convenience i have while being alone/single. call me selfish all you want because perhaps i am lol. i know i cant stand talking stage for longer than a week, but GOOOD, i want to have a partner. the low maintenance one.

if i want to become emotionally available, how can i do it, how can i change myself? is there any instruction manual or guidebook for this? because i swear i didn't mean to be emotionally unavailable, im not consciously do it, my brain just wired that way T.T will a session with a therapist fix this?

[syasjournal]

It's been three days and I don't know why I keep dreaming of you when all you do is hurt me

[syasjournal]

every day, it feels like i'm losing a piece of myself. i've stopped doing the things that used to bring me joy. i find myself pushing people away, while battling an overwhelming loneliness. being around people leaves me feeling drained. everything just seems to be too much. i'm just so tired of feeling this way, of feeling like i'm not myself anymore.

[syasjournal]

i cant understand how people can survive the guilt of killing someone when winning an argument haunt me this much

[syasjournal]

I had never believed in the happy ending type of love. The only love I knew gave me nervous butterflies and inflicted pain. Somehow I've made it here to tell you that I was wrong. Love isn't supposed to be that way. The love you deserve is warm and safe and easy. That love is out there waiting for you.

tara love / i think i know what love is now

[syasjournal]

you're all alone in this world after all. because for us human, relationship and love are conditional and emotional, transactional almost. once that transaction can no longer take in pace, you will grow distance and people will drift away. in the end, it's just you and God.

[syasjournal]

hating both myself and everybody (or people in general) leaves me feeling quite alone

[syasjournal]

they call it 'situationship' not without a cause. you’re the sole one entwining your emotions in its gauze. It’s a path you’ve chosen, a game of your own device. you walked into the situation, got attached, paid the price. and it's your fault. you break your own heart. you walk into the situation and get attached all by choice. In this dance of love, or the lack thereof, you’re the player, the pawn, and the wounded dove.

[syasjournal]

I just woke up from a dream where I kill myself in that dream. It's raining and I was at a beach(?) and then, impulsively, I walked towards the water and merged myself in there. I had a good cry there for a minute or two. But then someone picked me up. It was someone I know, but I don't know who she is. She hugged me and I awkwardly hugged her as well, crying on her shoulder. I could feel that she cared about me, but we still have a gap between us.

[syasjournal]

kadang gue amazed (sekaligus takut) sama kemampuan stalking sosmed gue deh... kayak kok bisa dapet kok bisa tau WKWK... apa gue harus jaid private detective biar skill ini bisa tersalurkan...

[syasjournal]

tbtb bahan ovt gue keluAAAR semua kyk DuAAAAR anjg gue knp gini bgt. cape sm diri sendiri. pgn berenti jd aisya. knp ngeluh mulu sih

[syasjournal]

you don’t understand why i want to be with you, so here’s why. you’re my safe place. i don’t feel tired and fake and wrong with you, and i can tell you everything. you laugh at my jokes and smile when i smile and are excited with me. you get tired easily too and you’re too hard on yourself. you’re my person and i feel safer when you’re with me.

[syasjournal]

I finally experiencing my "glimpse of us" moment

[syasjournal]

aing bener bener berasa ngomong sm tembok NYET. ORANGNYA CM SATU VINNY DOANG

[syasjournal]

i just want to disappear, i cant even cry. im SO fucked up rn. but telling anyone is just too humiliating.