syddavies-blog1 - Tumblr blog

[syddavies-blog1]

Heartbroken.

Time was not relevant anymore, it was merely a mark that I was still suffering. Still existing and breathing, but not living. My body was no longer a host of thought or emotion or anything. A machine whose sole function was getting me from here to there with no joy in between, just existing. My chest was a rubber band, stretched until it reached the point where it was white instead of blue and threatening to snap. At least that is how it felt to push air through it, urging my body to not give out and keep going. The rubber band inside of me was still stretching. It would never stop. My heart which used to be where I stored the love and happiness she brought was now clutched in an iron fist, unbelievably strong and impossible to open, only letting the blood flow through. But it no longer carried the happiness that warms your toes and makes you blush, now it was just the fuel to keep the machine from stopping.

It had been months already, how many I was not sure. How many days since she had breathed, sighed, tasted, felt, laughed. Her beautiful, musical, free laughter that echoed through my eardrums and around the daydream we lived laying in bed next to each other. And bounced around the busy streets while her hair attacked her face in the summer breeze. She would no longer have to curse at it, even as she smiled and laughed. Always smiling and always laughing. Because she wanted too, because she could.

She can no longer smile or laugh and neither can I. Any smile that shows itself on my face is brief, barely moving my lips and gone in the blink of an eye. Most people miss it.

They talk about me, I can see it in their eyes. The concern and the worry and the hurt. But it is not their job to hurt, it is mine. The pain and pressure and rubber band stretching through my chest is only for me. My price for what I did, because I was the one who did it. I was the one who looked away. I was the one who killed that beautiful girl, my beautiful girl. Took her life, ending the happiness, the light, the feeling of my world.

The sun has died.

So, no. Others should not see pain when they look at me because they did not do anything wrong. And it hurts, it fucking hurts so bad to close my eyes. I see it every time I blink, I close my eyes at night. Every damn time I experience something that she never will again.

I see the red, so much fucking red. Her blood and those flashing lights. I hear the sirens, and the beeping. That goddamn beeping, over and over, unsteady and weak, and suddenly gone. Replaced by a constant beep. The last breath, the final twitch and then, nothing.

Nothing. The loneliest word.

And despite the blood, asphalt and mud that knotted her hair and stained her clothes, I did the only thing I knew to do and grabbed her body to hold on. Hard hands tried to pry me away but they were not taking her. She was mine to protect, the love of my life, my family. When her life left her body it left mine too. Everything that made me alive was gone. Except I had to stay. The heartbeat did not leave my shaking body as it left her cold still one. She left me behind, as she never had before.

I will forever be lost without her.

All that had been left for me to do was scream, and curse, and throw things. Then shake, stumble and finally, fall. Not knowing how to stand again, if I could or what to do when I did.

I cried every time I showered, the ice cold water washed away the tears but left the pain. Along with the memories that had been made there and everywhere else. The sobbing did not come anymore, because they did not feel like enough. The tears were not enough either but I didn’t know how to fucking stop them. I spent more time than ever in the shower, my body becoming red and scratched as I tried to get rid of it, the pain that could not wash away, no matter how cold the water. Goosebumps would cover my skin but I did not feel the cold. I was always cold and shaking, anyways. Another thing that was gone was heat, I did not feel it in the hugs people gave me. Just like I did not find reassurance in the constant saying of I’m sorry, like I did not listen when they said she would not want this for me. And I hate it, I fucking hate it so much when they pretend to understand her better than I did. I was all she had and she was all I had. It was just us, and now its just me. I still cannot understand how that is fair. Life is a bitch.

Life is a killer.

Food did not have a taste anymore, so I barely ate it, and sometimes it did not stay down. Just like how sleep was no longer sleep. I was still tired when my eyes opened again after a night of terror and cold sweating. The blackness always stayed around my eyes to greet me in the morning, like I had been punched. The nightmares were never ending. That damned beeping never left my ears, the constant reminder. Unsteady and then constant, the final sign of a heart so full of love stopping. Never going to exist again. Because she never would again.

And neither can I.