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Headspace Explorations & Resources

This is put together from-our-own-experience and with feedback from friends and other systems who've tried parts of this kind of exploration before. Before we begin, I'd like to note:

Not every system has a headspace

Not every system needs a headspace

But if you'd like to explore and see if you have one, or perhaps use this as a jumping off point to try to make one, feel free. There are some additional resources at the bottom of the post that are more geared that way from the start, too.

Who needs an inner world, anyway

Some systems do just fine without one. Some struggle for various reasons to make one. A relatively common reason for this is the lack of an ability to consciously visualise things in your mind (aphantasia).

For us, visualising things in general does not work well if at all, most days. Headspace is the only exception to this rule: we are almost always able to access headspace, despite apparently having a lot of difficulty coherently visualising anything else. I have no clue why that is, but that's been our experience.

All that to say: aphantasia may not always extend to headspace. And even for the folks where it does, some systems find a lot of value in building out a headspace grounded in non-visual senses or abstractions. As that's not our experience we aren't sure how to guide people there, but it's worth noting that that is something we've heard folks do.

As for the why, many systems find that having some semblance of an inner world helps with communicating with each other, gives some parts an avenue for self expression and interaction that doesn't necessarily require fronting, and occasionally it can help to have a place to retreat to for comfort or to rest, when the outside world gets to be Entirely Too Much.

A brief history of our experience of headspace

We've had something that we now think of as headspace since long before we ever knew what it was, before we knew there was a word for it, well before we knew we were plural or even trans. I think our first memories of it come back to sometime in high school.

To begin with, we just found that there was a certain mental image / sounds / impression that we could refer back to in order to help us ground and center ourselves, keep ourselves calm and collected. We found a level of visualisation or some similar mental construct helped a lot with that.

I think the initial picture we had in our head was quite simple: just a very blank, mostly dark space, a vast and completely still body of water... sorta like what we'd imagine the inside of one of those giant water tanks to look like. Only much, much bigger. So big you can't really see walls, just the endless black void and still water all around.

And we'd kinda focus on that for a bit as we took a moment to steady our breathing. Every handful of seconds or so, we'd try to re-focus and re-immerse ourselves in it by imagining little droplets of water falling from somewhere high above. Hitting the surface with a loud, echoing, almost piercing drip echoing through the stillness. The water's surface rippling out for a ways before the ripples died down, returning the surface of the water.

Just... still, quiet space, punctuated by the occasional droplets of water.

At some point we started mostly unconsciously building on this mental image over time. An island in the middle of the water, just a tiny little spot, barely the size of our room. A gently curved mound emerging from the surface of the water, its sands a barren, blackened grey. Then, some black rocks dotted around the shore to sit on. A little grass on parts of the island.

We'd sit by the water's edge in the stillness, with the occasional drips from high above keeping us focused on and in the space. And we'd sit there for a while, focusing on the stillness and the very clear sound of the water as it occasionally drips from above.

This space eventually became a central place in our headspace. I guess the practice of visualising and reinforcing it with sound and other physical impressions got it to take root pretty well, ultimately.

Since we've realised we're plural and recalled this space, headspace has grown mostly out of it, although we have a handful of other spaces not directly connected to it as well. Eventually we reworked the place to be a little more comfortable, we still come here to meditate sometimes, if we aren't up for wandering around the rest of headspace as much.

Exploratory meditation

This is... a suggestion, more than anything. It's not comprehensive, we don't expect it to conclusively help everyone, it's a starting point and nothing more. Adapt it as you see fit.

There's two parts to this: first, you want to calm yourself down and get to a reasonably neutral and grounded state.

Sit or lay somewhere comfy. If you find laying makes you sleepy, sit instead. Sitting on a cushion on the ground is usually good, but a comfy chair will be fine too.

Pay attention to your breathing, keep it measured and slow, deep breaths. Reasonably consistent, but not forced. In through the nose, out through the mouth.

Close your eyes, and just focus on the breathing for a minute. Count it out if you feel the need. Brain and thoughts can sometimes get a bit loud during this, so try to stay anchored to your breathing and let whatever happens, happen. If your attention drifts, just bring it gently back to your breathing when you notice you've drifted, that's okay.

Next, we're going to explore a little bit. Keeping your eyes closed, keeping your breathing steady:

Picture yourself in your head, just you, as best you can, from your own first-person perspective. Spend some time going over your posture and looking at yourself without opening your eyes. See if you notice any differences in how you perceive yourself here compared to your actual physical body, without focusing on them too much. Keep focused on your breathing as much as you can.

Once you have a decently solid idea of yourself, keep your eyes closed and look around, what's just beyond you here? What's the floor look like, in your head? What does the environment look like? Are you outside somewhere? Inside a room? Just a black or white void? If it's dark, see what happens when you think about turning a light on, a lamp or a torch.

Examine the space around you. We generally say look but don't touch at first, as in... go in with the attitude of finding what's there rather then wanting something specific to be there. Just expecting to find something, whatever it might be.

When you've spent a bit looking, see if you can get up in this view and have a proper look around, wander a little, take note of what you find to bring back with you when you return.

Folks we've had try this have of course had mixed success and often needed to modify the process or expectations to suit themselves. Some folks find that if their headspace starts out as a pure void, it's relatively straightforward (if slow and painstaking at first) to start building out little rooms and going from there. Most folks doing that will start from a low level of detail and gradually build from there (for example: white void -> blank white room -> oh look there's a door -> wonder what's beyond the door -> hallway -> doors in the hallway -> oh hey we have separate rooms off the hallway now -> maybe we could decorate these rooms a bit).

Hostile headspaces

Some folks may find that when they start poking around and exploring headspace, that it's initially hostile to them and treats them as an intruder. That's not a particularly common experience, but it's not especially rare either.

Unless your headspace, when you find it, is already actively hostile to your exploration, I would not recommend approaching it as such. However, should you need it, we'd recommend reviewing lb_lee's Headspace Discovery and Defense.

In a lot of ways we tend to view hostility as more of a someone is scared / feeling unsafe with me being here than we would as someone wants to hurt me. Hostility is generally a defensive measure, although in certain cases it can be more direct and active hostility which is a little trickier to manage.

There's generally a reason for it, even if you're not sure what that is for a while. Sometimes that reason is as simple as one or more headmates feeling very insecure or unsafe with the host or one of the more forward-facing parts delving into the depths of things. Sometimes it's more complicated; it can be a bit trial-and-error and touch and go for a bit. We would tend to recommend making your focus curiosity and seeking to understand -- and being understanding that sometimes, some headmates may not be ready to be known and understood yet.

Additional resources

Wonderland Immersion

'Do Not Disturb' Technique

Sophie's Wonderland Tips

Wonderland Creation by Daydreaming

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I think the system & plural communities needs to get way more normal about people who are not ready to recover. ESPECIALLY if you label yourself as 'pro recovery'.

Is trying to fearmonger about recovery and/or convince other people not to try to do things that would help their recovery a dick move? Absolutely. But you know what else is a dick move? Trying to force someone who is not ready to start recovering into recovery. Treating people who haven't gotten far or aren't actively working on recovering like shit. It's not 'pro recovery' to do that shit. Doing that doesn't help those people recover. If someone is not ready for that, is not ready to work on recovering in xyz way, forcing it will do far more harm and likely push them in the opposite direction, away from recovering. And treating people in those situations like shit just harms their mental health further, it doesn't help them recover in any way.

Recovery works different for everyone. And sometimes, that means there's stages or points in time where little to no active work to recover is happening, because the person is not ready to move on yet. And that is okay, that is not something that should be shamed.

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What they don't tell you about DID is that almost everything is just vibes. Literally just vibes. System mapping, inner world, knowledge about alters in general - vibes.

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well i guess that's fine

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A lot of focus is on saying “your trauma doesn’t define you” and that’s a valid way to feel and valid for so many in healing. But it’s also okay if you feel it did define you. Sometimes, for some of us, part of our healing is accepting our trauma does define us, or at least parts of us. And the important part for us is realizing that it’s okay and it doesn’t impact our worth.

Whether your trauma doesn’t define you or does or maybe somewhere in between, you’re valid.

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I don't know how else to repeatedly explain to people and really get across to people just how "amnesia doesn't work like that" and "you would think that, but that's just not how it works" so I will simply give the example of me telling my therapist "like when DID symptoms and shit say "do you get told of things you said/did that you don't remember?" I don't know! Probably! But I wouldn't know!" and her just nodding and saying "Yes You Do."

Too many people think that if you had DID and you had amnesia, you would know it and it would be immediately obvious and undeniable to you and others around you.

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Since my reply is hidden, I've decided to just make my own post about this and put some accurate info out there.

Covert DID vs Overt DID & Possession vs Non-possession: They don't mean what you think they mean!

Here's a bunch of facts and info in no particular order!

I saw a post about how masking isn't a type of covert DID, and I'm here to tell you that

Masking was the original covert!

You know the statistic in the DSM about covert/overt systems? It's taken from Kluft's paper, above. And it includes masking.

Covert and overt aren't actually used all that often clinically, but it actually has several meanings, INCLUDING MASKING. Neither has to do with possession or non-possession, but they're unfortunately often incorrectly equated as "possession form = overt" and "non-possession = covert". They can overlap, but this is incorrect!

Possession's biggest use is for a disorder that no longer exists as a separate entry in the DSM 5.

Possession-Trance disorder still exists in the ICD, though, and we'll start there.

Trance disorder

"The trance state is not characterised by the experience of being replaced by an alternate identity."

"Trance Disorder is characterized by recurrent or single and prolonged involuntary marked alteration in an individual’s state of consciousness involving a trance state (without possession)."

"The trance state is not characterized by the experience of being replaced by an alternate identity."

"The identities of the possessing agents typically correspond to figures from the religious traditions in the society."

"In Possession Trance Disorder, the individual’s normal sense of personal identity is experienced as being replaced by an external ‘possessing’ spirit, power, deity or other spiritual entity, which is not the case in Trance Disorder. Possession trance states often include more complex activities (e.g., coherent conversations, characteristic gestures, facial expressions, specific verbalizations) than are typical of trance states, which tend to involve less complex activities (e.g., staring, falling)."

We can already see how this is starting to play out with overt/covert and non-possession/possession form.

Possession trance disorder

"Possession trance disorder is characterised by trance states in which there is a marked alteration in the individual’s state of consciousness and the individual’s customary sense of personal identity is replaced by an external ‘possessing’ identity and in which the individual’s behaviours or movements are experienced as being controlled by the possessing agent."

"Trance episodes are attributed to the influence of an external ‘possessing’ spirit, power, deity or other spiritual entity."

"During possession trance states, the activities performed are often relatively complex (e.g., coherent conversations, characteristic gestures, facial expressions, specific verbalizations that are frequently culturally accepted as belonging to a particular possessing agent)."

"Presumed possessing agents in Possession Trance Disorder are usually spiritual in nature (e.g., spirits of the dead, gods, demons, or other spiritual entities) and are often experienced as making demands or expressing animosity."

"The identities of the possessing agents typically correspond to figures from the religious traditions in the society."

"This is distinguished from Dissociative Identity Disorder and Partial Dissociative Identity Disorder, which are characterized by the experience of two or more distinct, alternate personality states that are not attributed to an external possessing agent. Individuals describing both internally and externally attributed alternate identities should receive a diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder or Partial Dissociative Identity Disorder. In this situation, an additional diagnosis of Possession Trance Disorder should not be assigned."

From Dissociative Identity Disorder, I only want to note one thing:

"Individuals who describe both internal distinct personality states that assume executive control as well as episodes of being controlled by an external possessing identity should receive a diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder rather than Possession Trance Disorder."

So, already, we've learned that possession and non-possession have to do with whether the entities are experienced as internal or external agents.

You'll note that the ICD doesn't mention covert or overt at all.

So back to the DSM-- “possession” was diagnosed as Atypical Dissociative Disorder in the DSM-III or DDNOS in DSM-III-R. In DSM-IV, possession and trance were diagnosed as sub-categories of the Dissociative Trance Disorder (DTD), and in DSM-IV-TR they were merged into one, and recognized as a cultural variant of the Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified [DDNOS]. In DSM-5, possession-form presentations are linked with criterion A of DID: “Disruption of identity characterized by two or more distinct personality states, which may be described in some cultures as an experience of possession” (p. 292).

Another common myth has to do with amnesia and covert/overt. The facts are:

Covert DID is associated with the highest levels of blackout amnesia. That's how it stays covert. People have amnesia for their own amnesia. It's an incredible phenomenon that's highly documented.

Overt DID typically has the same or less amnesia. It's much harder to explain away noticeable behaviour so people are much more aware of their own gaps in memory and can begin treatment sooner. They're much more easily diagnosed. As internal dialogue and intrusion are far more different in these entities, people become aware sooner and experience more grey out amnesia thanks to this basic awareness.

Covert DID is no longer diagnosed as OSDD 1a. The DSM 5 introduced new reporting criteria that allow the patient and their family to self report switches. OSDD and DDNOS 1a were primarily used for situations where the clinician didn't witness a switch during interviewing. As such, OSDD these days mainly covers P-DID presentations where switching is genuinely rare, if it happens at all. While P-DID is less associated with amnesia, OSDD 1a will require it. P-DID without amnesia will fall into 1b or DID itself, thanks to the DSM's updated amnesia wording.

For this next bit, I'll be using the DSM 5, as that's what I have in front of me, for the purposes of this conversation, this version will do fine.

"Dissociative identity disorder is characterized by a) the presence of two or more distinct personality states or an experience of possession."

"The fragmentation of identity may vary with culture (e.g., possession-form presentations) and circumstance. Thus, individuals may experience discontinuities in identity and memory that may not be immediately evident to others or are obscured by attempts to hide dysfunction."

You know, overt/covert, and wow, it doesn't just have to do with the entities, BUT HOW YOU DESCRIBE YOUR DISORDER?!

You mean... like masking?

Holy shit, yeah, the DSM just said that.

These terms are not as interchangeable as some people think they are. They have very unique meanings and are very different concepts, not only from each other, but from how they're often used within the community.

To reiterate:

Possession form = external entities

Non-possession = internal entities

Overt = noticeable behaviour and mannerisms

Covert = hidden or sneaky behaviour or mannerisms

These can and do overlap, but exist as separate concepts.

More from the DSM:

"The defining feature of dissociative identity disorder is the presence of two or more distinct personality states or an experience of possession (Criterion A). The overtness or covertness of these personality states, however, varies as a function of psychological motivation, current level of stress, culture, internal conflicts and dynamics, and emotional resilience."

Oh, wow, it changes over time and can vary between alters themselves?! Wow.

"Sustained periods of identity disruption may occur when psychosocial pressures are severe and/or prolonged. In many possession-form cases of dissociative identity disorder, and in a small proportion of non-possession-form cases, manifestations of alternate identities are highly overt. Most individuals with non-possession-form dissociative identity disorder do not overtly display their discontinuity of identity for long periods of time; only a small minority present to clinical attention with observable alternation of identities."

"Possession-form identities in dissociative identity disorder typically manifest as behaviors that appear as if a “spirit,” supernatural being, or outside person has taken control, such that the individual begins speaking or acting in a distinctly different manner. For example, an individual’s behavior may give the appearance that her identity has been replaced by the “ghost” of a girl who committed suicide in the same community years before, speaking and acting as though she were still alive. Or an individual may be “taken over” by a demon or deity, resulting in profound impairment, and demanding that the individual or a relative be punished for a past act, followed by more subtle periods of identity alteration."

So, yes, according to the DSM, purposefully masking is a covert presentation, and it has nothing to do with possession or non-possession form. The way a system "naturally" presents will change many times over the course of their disorder.

IN FACT, if we want to get technical, covert actually refers specifically to heavy fragmentation in most clinical texts. Fragments are typically experienced internally and as intrusion, rather than switches. Here's a source.

Covert DID is a less dramatic and more subtle form of the disorder. In this variant, individuals with DID do not display overt switches or distinct personalities. Instead, they experience a fragmentation of their identity, leading to a lack of continuity in their sense of self and memory. These individuals may not even be aware of their condition and might attribute their memory lapses and identity shifts to stress, forgetfulness, or other factors.

Covert DID can be challenging to diagnose because the symptoms are less obvious. It often goes unrecognized for years, and individuals may suffer in silence without understanding the source of their difficulties. Therapy and expert evaluation are essential for identifying and addressing covert DID.

And another.

In addition, diagnostic challenges can result from identity alteration or personality switching not as obvious as expected. In fact, many patients have “covert DID” or “OSDD,” which is characterized by partial dissociation (e.g., dissociative intrusions) rather than full dissociation (i.e., switching plus amnesia).

In the end, though, these terms aren't used all that often, and various uses will still be understood in a clinical setting. Doctors can't even agree on definitions, so use them however you want.

It's not that big of a deal.

I hope this post was useful, even if it was a bit disjointed.

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[ID: A two comic panel edited to be a meme. The first panel has two buttons, one labeled 'pk;m new' and the second is labeled 'you're just blurry wait it out'. There is a hand indecisively pointing to the center of the buttons. The second panel shows a man sweating nervously, dabbing his forehead with a cloth. The watermark at the bottom of the comic credits jake-clark.tumblr.com]

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I think a lot of people tend to think that blackout amnesia is super obvious, and that the experience is like cutting from one movie scene to another and being completely disoriented.

Blackout amnesia can be very deceptive, especially if you've had it nearly your entire life, because your brain starts getting really good at coping with it in basically any way it can. My brain often does this thing where I can remember remembering an event, but when I actually try to think about the event, I realise I don't actually know what happened. But the thing with memories is you're not constantly re-reviewing them to make sure you actually remember every single one- it was only when I started asking other people what happened during these events that I realised how little I truly remembered.

Coming to the front isn't always super obvious, because if we end up somewhere, it's fairly easy to orient ourselves just from virtue of having to do it all the time. You can get very good at spotting what type of building you're in, the people you're with, and how you most likely got there. The vast majority of the time, we're in places where we go to a lot anyways, so questions like "Where am I? Who am I with? How did I get here?" aren't even questions that would pop up. It can make it feel very much like you had a consistent string of memories, even if you really didn't. If you're wearing clothes you know you own, you'll probably think "Oh, I changed and forgot" or if you end up with food you like, you'll probably think "Oh, I must have gotten food and forgotten." It's natural to conclude normal forgetfulness over blackout amnesia.

Blackout amnesia isn't always as simple as ending up somewhere you don't recognize. It's not always as simple as ending up with things you don't own. Spotting blackout amnesia is extremely difficult- it's not as simple as just knowing what blackout amnesia is, but spotting the ways your brain has coped with it and what you could be missing these gaps. This isn't to say I've never been disoriented by my memory gaps. My memory gaps were pointed out by other people and had been aware of them long before I knew I had DID, but I had no idea I had blackout amnesia until I started looking more at what was going on. It can be easy to miss!

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Sonic! she angry she happy

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Didn't think to make a pinned post? Guess I didn't have anything to put in one. Well let's make one now because I've figured out more stuff. No longer questioning, now trying to learn more about how things work in here.

We are a heavily traumatized autistic polyfragmented CDD system. We do not have access to mental healthcare, therefore have to self-diagnose everything, but we do not jump to conclusions and are very well-informed about the conditions we are sure we have. We are also largely peer-diagnosed, ie, peers who are professionally diagnosed agree that we have our conditions. (Shout out to that friend from middle school who bluntly announced that I was definitely autistic like her, years before I had the resources to find out what autism even is, haha)

Since we're polyfragmented, we often do not know who we are, or might not even be anyone in particular. Much of the fronting population self-describes as "a loose confederation of fragments" and the named alters we do have usually have clones.

We are also otherkin and fictionkin and these factors significantly impact the structure of our system. We are 100% traumagenic, but our alterhuman identities would still deeply impact our neurology if we were a singlet, so of course they are going to impact our neurology as a system. Some may consider us quiogenic or something since we have alters that split for non-trauma reasons but we cannot possibly track individual splits so we identify with the origin of the system as a whole. Let me be clear though that we do love and support endogenic systems! That's just not what we are. Diversity is a good thing.

Introductions under the cut (if this makes us easier to recognize, so be it. Maybe we're starting to be ready for that)

Storm

Catboy, technically an OC introject but didn't realize that until like a decade of being the primary fronter. Has the most clones of anyone (that we know of). Clones are pretty different from each other but still seem to prefer to be seen as interchangeable. Carries a lot of hypervigilance.

Knuckles

Kintroject - I'll explain this term since I haven't seen other systems use it. Basically, many of our kintypes are based in reincarnation and are universal across the entire system, we don't have separate souls or anything, we're only plural due to trauma. But for particularly strong universal kintypes we will often split an alter to manage exomemories and hold certain feelings. So, we are all Knuckles, but Knuckles is the most Knuckles. For a while he was the primary fronter, these days he's dormant more often. For some reason he doesn't seem to have any clones.

Soul

Kintroject. As far as we can tell, has the second most clones. Was also primary fronter for a while. One of the earliest identified (not equivalent to earliest formed) alters to have enough dissociative distance that we can't easily write an introduction on his behalf.

Saki

Intentionally created...? Seemingly came into existence as a result of reading about and experimenting with dæmonism out of idle curiosity. Prefers the term familiar over dæmon these days but still actively identifies as semi-imaginary, cannot front, and likes to be helpful. Also just to clarify, she didn't give herself a random Japanese name, Saki is short for Sakarixilii, a silver dragon name which is important to us for personal reasons.

Bright-Eyes!

Not really sure where she came from or why but we're glad she's here. Generates a lot of joy and positive energy. Prefers she/her but is completely genderless.

Bolt/Sonic

Introject. Only recently identified, but has probably existed for a while. Everyone including himself thought he was some kind of Storm/Soul fusion, he actually still likes being called Storm. Specifically an introject of our Sonic from our Knuckles canon which is kind of uncomfortable for everyone especially himself but it is what it is. Doesn't really identify with Sonic the Hedgehog as a character and is a very different person even from his direct source. In practical terms, he's usually the one to wrestle the controls away from Storm so things can actually get done when the hypervigilance dips into paranoia.

Rose the Cat aka Blaze Lalonde

The weird wrench in our understanding of this system. Has her own reincarnation kintypes separate from the rest of us, only some of us can tell when she's around and even fewer of us can communicate with her, can probably front but the dissociative blackout freaks us out so we reflexively push her back, apparently managed to make her own dæmon??? She's really really cool and I want to get to know her better but we get migraines when she's near front... She has helped with things in the past, but we couldn't tell it was her until afterwards, it's like we can't know who she is and communicate with her at the same time, it's super weird.

Unnamed persecutors

A pair of alters who work together to reenact trauma on the rest of us.

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theres always been a little mason in my head thats like "hey you gotta take care of yourself and attend to your bodily needs" and its like taking advice from a buddy, you know they mean well but sometimes you just don't follow it. "oh yeah i'll get around to it" but u dont because sometimes it just takes effort you dont have and it doesnt align. however lately ive just been calling upon the realest bitch i know and letting her take over and its meant im brushing my teeth way more tbh. youre so right little manager in my brain you can drive for a little bit

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sorry if you not supposed to ask things- but I've had this question for weeks and I really would like it answered by someone

how do you know you have DID? I know it forms when your a child but is there common feelings/experiences linked to DID? /genq

-an anon that needs to stay anon for their safety

hi! i am supposed to ask things, so you have nothing to apologize for. /light-hearted

sorry for long waiting & long answer.

am not medical professional, so can tell only abt my experience & experiences that i've heard of in community.

here's diagnostic criteria for did from dsm-5:

two or more distinct identities or personality states are present, each with its own relatively enduring pattern of perceiving, relating to, and thinking about the environment and self.

amnesia must occur, defined as gaps in the recall of everyday events, important personal information, and/or traumatic events.

the person must be distressed by the disorder or have trouble functioning in one or more major life areas because of the disorder.

the disturbance is not part of normal cultural or religious practices.

the symptoms cannot be due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (such as blackouts or chaotic behavior during alcohol intoxication) or a general medical condition (such as complex partial seizures).

sourse: https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/dissociative-identity-disorder-multiple-personality-disorder (there's some info abt experiences people with did, you may find it useful /no pressure)

1st criteria describes alters, 2nd criteria describes amnesia. 3-5 criteria are general criteria for any disorder (it's distressing, it isn't normal part of development / culture, it isn't caused by something else). so i'll try to describe how you can feel things in these criteria (& some other things you may feel when have did).

alters ("other people" in your body / mind)

[pt: alters ("other people" in your body / mind) /end pt]

here's some ways people can feel alters' presence & communication with them:

voices in your mind / thoughts that seem don't belong to you. some people hear their alters like voices. personally i don't. i feel like some thoughts are not mine as alter, but they feel like mine as a system. like. it's not my thoughts, but they came from inside me.

sudden emotions or urges that seem unrelated with events & your thoughts & feelings. they seem not yours / not in your character.

changes in your behavior, self-image, identities (like name, pronouns, gender identity, orientation, etc.), priorities, values, opinions, maturity, etc. you may notice these changes happen in specific situations (for example, when you need to protect yourself, you may feel your other unrelated identities change).

changes in small daily things like handwriting, speech manners, gestures, body language, etc.

feeling like someone else controls your body, & you're just a passenger.

feeling like someone else controls parts of your body.

innerworld / headspace — imaginary space where you can see alters & communicate with them (it's visual communication). not every system has innerworld & you may have access to it not always.

some of your actions seem "out of character" when you remember them.

this list isn't exhaustive.

amnesia (memory loss / lack)

[pt: amnesia (memory loss / lack) /end pt]

there are some terms for describing amnesia. blackout means a complete loss of memory abt an event. greyout means a partial loss / lack of memory.

some examples of experiencing amnesia:

someone tells you abt event you have participated in / things you have done, but you don't remember it.

someone recognizes you, but you don't recognize them.

you tell someone something & they say you have already told them, but you don't remember it.

you find notes that you don't remember doing.

you find notes that describe events you don't remember.

you find other signs of events you don't remember (purple links that you don't remember clicking, have your work done but don't remember doing it, things that you don't remember getting, etc.)

you only remember that event happened, but nothing more (for example, you remember you were at a meeting, but don't remember what happened in the meeting).

you remember only key points abt event, but can't recall any details.

you remember only part of memory (for example, you can recall visual information, but not sounds, smells, etc.)

your memories are blurred, you struggle to recall them & feel extremely detached

you don't remember abt something until are asked abt it. then memories suddenly pop up in your head.

you may forget your amnesia! events may look logical & complete, you may have no idea that you forgot something (i have this shit). some examples of forgetting amnesia:

events seem consistent at first sight, but when you try to track everything, you find out that some pieces are missed.

you are sure that you remember everything abt event, but when you try to recall, understand that you can't.

this list isn't exhaustive too.

other dissociative & ptsd symptoms

[pt: other dissociative & ptsd symptoms /end pt]

because did is dissociative disorder caused by trauma, people with did experience other dissociative & ptsd symptoms (here's some overlaps with feeling alters because alters are dissociative thing too).

feeling like the world isn't real, like you are in the game / movie / cartoon / book. (derealisation)

feeling like objects are too big or too small, like sounds are too quiet, etc. (derealisation)

feeling like you look on the world through the glass.

feeling like your body doesn't belong to you. problems with mirrors, problems with seeing your body, etc. (depersonalization)

feeling like your life doesn't belong to you.

feeling detached from your emotions, experiences, some events, etc. (dissociation)

feeling like you don't have a personality, like you don't live, don't exist. (dissociation)

flashbacks: vivid memories abt traumatic events. they may mix with reality, may really drag your attention into them, it may be hard to redirect attention from them, etc. (ptsd)

emotional flashbacks: emotional reaction connected with events in the past, & not with current situation. for example, you have argument with someone & get scared or defensive when they don't threaten you because the situation remembers you abt traumatic events. (ptsd)

nightmares: dreams connected with traumatic events. they may repeat traumatic scenarios or deconstruct them. for example, people may act differently, but the whole scenario is connected with your trauma. (ptsd)

hypervigilancy: waiting of danger from everyone, search of threats in the environment, anxiety & stress responses, etc. (ptsd)

tension in your body. (ptsd)

difficulties with executive function, learning, work, rest. (all of it)

feeling lost. (all of it)

this list isn't exhaustive too.

kinda conclusion

[pt: kinda conclusion /end pt]

as i have said, these traits are neither exhaustive nor required. it's some experiences that i can recall. people with did may have part of them, may have something else, may describe it differently, etc.

also there are several disorders under cdd umbrella. osdd-1 (nowadays, it's kinda community term because dsm-5 doesn't distinguish subtypes of osdd, but it's still useful) describes disorder when 1st or 2nd criteria for did doesn't fit. osdd-1a describes situation when you have amnesia, but your alters are not so different & fully-formed (they described as "different versions of oneself"). osdd-1b describes situation when you have different & fully-formed alters, but don't have amnesia. pdid (partial did) describes situation when one alter dominates & fronts almost always except traumatic / triggering / stressful events. cdid (complex did) aka polyfragmented did is a subtype of did where system have complex structure, low splitting tolerance (split often & easily), often split several alters at the time, have a lot of fragments (not fully-formed alters).

also you may notice that most of these experiences may present in other disorders or even be normal part of life for some degree. for example, neurotypicals may change they behavior depending on situation, but these changes are not so deep as when alters switch (for example, neurotypicals usually don't change their gender identity, values & priorities depend on mood & situation). lack of feeling self & dissociation may be part of (c)ptsd or personality disorders. voices may be part of psychotic episode (although psychotic voices are usually described differently from feeling alters, but it's individual & may be mistaken). so it's important to look at the whole picture & check what explanation fits better.

hope it will be useful!

people with did, feel free to share your experiences!

[system-bootup]

hi idk if you do like... advice or anything? ik ur blog has support in the url but I'm not the best at inferring stuff sometimes so like if u don't answer this sort of thing ur totally free to delete it, no hard feelings i can always find someone else to ask 👍

anyway I'm just... kind of stressed that i moght be wrong about being a system? i mean it's something I've been kind of sure of for a few years now but i also have a lot of other mental health stuff going on so 1. I'm worried being a system AND psychotic AND depressed AND having ocd AND being autistic AND having adhd is like... too much? even though i know it's fully possible it still feels like I'm not allowed or something. and 2. i can't relate to a lot of apparently common experiences? like i can't talk to my alters or anything like that but i have memory loss and dissociate a lot and reading back conversations and old posts i can tell like. oh that message i don't remember sending doesn't sound quite like me. so it makes things super confusing and makes me worried about saying anything about it because if I'm wrong I'll feel like an awful person, but if I'm right then it's something I'd like my friends to know, you know?

anyway I'm sorry for dumping all this on you but if you have any advice for like. figuring this stuff out (or if you can just tell me like "yeah you're not a system" that would help immensely too lol) it would be hugely appreciated, but again, no pressure to answer or even read this, wishing you the best regardless!

hi! am answer this sort of things, so don't worry! thank you for asking.

1) it's not only normal but pretty common to have a lot of comorbidities. disabilities are like "buy one, get 7 for free." let's look at your list.

adhd and autism have high comorbidity rate and it's widely recognized in community and medical field. sourse

"as many as 80% of adults with adhd have at least one coexisting psychiatric disorder." sourse

and it's also widely recognized and known that autism and adhd have high comorbidity with depression and anxiety disorders.

"individuals first diagnosed with autism spectrum disorders had a 2-fold higher risk of a later diagnosis of ocd, whereas individuals diagnosed with ocd displayed a nearly 4-fold higher risk to be diagnosed with autism spectrum disorders later in life." sourse

"there is strong evidence for the existence of a high comorbidity between autism and psychosis with percentages reaching up to 34... according to literature, up to 34.8% of the patients with a diagnosis of asd can show psychotic symptoms and, similarly, autistic traits have been reported in schizophrenia patients in a percentage ranging between 3.6 and 60%." sourse

"while some studies showed no co-occurrence of ssds (schizophrenia spectrum disorders) and dds (dissociative disorders), others showed that between 9% and 50% of schizophrenia spectrum patients also meet diagnostic criteria for a dd. one study showed that in a sample of patients diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder (did) 74.3% also met diagnostic criteria of a ssd, 49.5% met diagnostic criteria for schizoaffective disorder, and 18.7% met diagnostic criteria for schizophrenia." sourse

as you may see, neurodivergencies you listed are comorbid with one another. it's very possible to have them all (yes i haven't found comorbidities for every diagnosis with every diagnosis but there's some examples).

also, being system is a result of trauma, and being neurodivergent kid may be traumatizing experience. you may face ableism and misunderstanding, live in world unfriendly to your neurotype, etc. also being neurodivergent may increase your sensitivity to trauma or may do some "normal" things traumatic to you (like being forced to socialize, being forced to mask, etc).

so it's definitely not "too much" to have all these neurodivergencies and it makes sense actually.

2) your experience of being system doesn't have to match perfectly with others' experiences.

some people can't talk to alters. some people use external communication. some people can't communicate with alters at all. some people (me) may not notice communication.

it's possible to have high dissociative barriers. it's possible (and pretty common) to struggle with communication. it may be underrepresented in some community places, but it's very real challenge for lots of systems.

(also you may wanna research osdd-1a and pdid).

i have made post with some did signs (not exhaustive but heard of). maybe you may find it useful to look for different signs of alters presenting, not only communication. here

and again. if you come up wrong, you won't be awful. making mistakes doesn't make someone awful. it's okay not to know. it's okay not to be sure. it's okay to be questioning. it's okay to question something and be wrong / decide it's not your situation. you aren't bad. you don't appropriate things when you try to understand yourself. when you try to figure things out.

you may tell your friends if you wanna. even if you aren't perfectly sure. you may call yourself questioning system.

no one is born with clear and perfect knowledge abt themselves. to know yourself you have to question things. and sometimes you will be wrong. and it's okay.

hope it was helpful. if you have more questions (or if i misunderstood something and haven't answered properly), feel free to ask.

[system-bootup]

Hi! Not sure where else to go so coming to you! Is it possible for a brainmade alter to become an introject? Like- a character pops up and it’s a sudden feeling oh “oh… that’s me.” And you can remember things and you realize that’s what you look like and stuff

but it’s a fictionkin thing (and said alter is a fictionkin of that character) but now it’s like.. who I was before isn’t even me anymore, I am this character that is me completely idk how else to explain it-

hi! yes it's possible.

our main protector was like that. he existed for very long time, and introjected a lot from our comfort characters only couple years ago.

it's possible for alters to change. it's possible to fuse. it's possible to become "more formed" because of introjection.

it happens with our fragments a lot (they become "more complete" when introject from somewhere), but it happened with formed alters too.

can't figure out any reason why it's impossible.

also introjection exists not only in systems. singlets introject things too. they may catch some traits from others (people, characters, etc) and change too. so i can't find any reason why alter can't do the same thing.

[system-bootup]

Normal singlet things