systemma - Tumblr blog

[systemma]

Folks have got to understand that they probably aren't messed up by some Secret Big Trauma that they just can't remember; but rather by a million tiny microtraumas that they do mostly remember but don't even register as traumatic because nobody actually understood that these things would cause trauma, much less stack on each other over the years.

[systemma]

fusion is not "killing" alters. it's a form of healing. im so fucking tired. i know everyone's experiences with it are different but i need people to understand there is nothing wrong with pursuing final fusion as a system. even if it's not what you or your system want, you're allowed to have your reasons for that but please stop spreading this narrative and this rhetoric that alters fusing is this terrible thing, it's literally a sign of healing.

[systemma]

[systemma]

To all who are eating now, bon appetit~

[systemma]

Microdosing polyamory by dating a system

[systemma]

quite the list

[systemma]

tbh i think the funniest phenomena that's been happening in the last couple years is "youtuber, having gone too deep into the research hole, has been made an investigative journalist against their will"

[systemma]

Something interesting happened today. One of my parts fused.

Well.

I don't know if it happened today, but I realized it today. Simone was gone. I reached out, and nothing. I started thinking about what could have happened and then I heard a soft "goodbye" filled with happy and positive emotions.

I said earlier that I don't want to achieve final fusion. But now...I don't think I get a say. My parts formed because I needed them for whatever reason. And as I'm healing and finding coping mechanisms, I think the bits I needed fuse back into me because I no longer need them to be separate. We can be together now.

Very interesting revelation.

[systemma]

Just so we're clear.

Fictives are not a sign of faking.

Quiet/Loud switches are not a sign of faking.

Large systems are not a sign of faking.

Switching a lot is not a sign of faking.

Not switching much is not a sign of faking.

Emotional amnesia is still amnesia.

Don't force people to address trauma they may not even remember.

Don't force people to remember trauma.

Childhood traumas don't have to be what an adult would consider extreme. Kids are a lot more sensitive to stimuli and cruelty.

And some systems have done fucked up shit in their childhoods, it's not their fault they had to survive.

Be kind, people need it.

[systemma]

[systemma]

So. Right now. I don't know who I am.

If you have DID or OSDD or other similar things, you probably know what I mean. This is not an existential crisis or whatever. I'm in a...combination state. A fluid state where all of us are mixed up and I don't know who is who and who is talking. I think Emma is talking but I don't know! Emma and J know how to crochet, but I don't think anyone else does. Emma was crocheting and suddenly I (we?) couldn't remember how to crochet.

Literally, I don't know wtf I'm doing right now. I'm having to look up tutorials for basic shit and I still don't get it.

Great.

It's not medication, because nothing has been changed. At all. This is me in a combination state just fluid and floating around and I actually really hate it. It would be great if I knew who I was.

[systemma]

[systemma]

Playing around with these marker brushes ft ASS gang.

[systemma]

im cryingg thank y mr henson

[systemma]

Had a crazy moment, at least for me, during therapy.

I was telling my therapist how I think I thought way too much about death and dying as a kid, and wondering if other people felt that way. If it was normal. And she asked me an interesting question. She asked why did I care so much if other people had the same experience.

I responded with "I want validation. I want to know I'm not crazy." (yes I said crazy to her)

But thinking about it now...damn. Why DO I care so much? Because...it doesn't really matter. What matters is that I experienced it, and I need to move forward. Sure, knowing other people had that experience is nice, but does it help me heal? Maybe yes, maybe no. But it's me I should focus on.

[systemma]

Always love that "mm. okay, now let's go back to what you just said there" that happens when you tell some particularly crazy trauma to your therapist.

[systemma]

If you’re in recovery don’t be angry with yourself if you still struggle. Think about the progress you’ve made, what you have achieved so far, no matter how small. Remember how you used to be and how far along you came in your journey. Be patient with yourself, you are still making progress and you will get where you want to be. I’m so proud of you. 💐