systemvault - Tumblr blog

[systemvault]

it’s wild coming back to this after getting a diagnosis. i really, 100% did not think it was going to happen and especially not after only one appointment.

thinking about what I'll even do if I get assessed for DID and they tell me I just have CPTSD/trauma (which is what every single specialist I've seen so far has said when I tried to get assessed for ADHD and autism)

because like... yes, it's entirely possible that it's CPTSD. I've acknowledged that many times and in everyday life I generally think my experiences are closer to "just" CPTSD since I have such prolonged periods of not feeling like multiple people.

but then... what am I meant to do when I get another active period?? like. when I don't feel like myself, when I feel like several different people at different times and start feeling and thinking differently about people in my life and experience identity crises constantly, what do I do?? do I just. ignore it?? behave like its still me, even though I'll always have the thought of "oh I feel like ☕ right now" or whoever else??

idk. I feel like by pursuing an assessment I'm just setting myself up for being told, yet again, that it's "just trauma" - trauma that's clearly bad and has "an effect" on me, but apparently isn't enough to be given a name.

[systemvault]

i know we havent been on this blog in forever but guess who got officially diagnosed today lmfao

[systemvault]

ur first and last recent emojis are ur gender now. mine is 🅱👨‍❤‍💋‍👨

[systemvault]

I need you to understand that many disabilities have fluctuating intensities and on some days we may need more help or be more obviously disabled than other days.

I say this because I don’t think most people really understand this about disabilities. Disabilities like Tourette’s and hEDS and seizure disorders can have different triggers for flare ups and can look very different from one day to the next.

[systemvault]

just occurred to me that there are adults who’ve never been to a funeral. an incredibly bizarre concept to me

[systemvault]

Reblog with your score

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[systemvault]

[Text: this host needs a BREAK]

Like/Reblog if you save or use!

[systemvault]

So many of these 00s era blogs run by like 14 yr olds…while im glad you appreciate the aesthetic(s), you & your 10 mile long carrds & dnis would not have lasted one second in the edgelord chaos of that decade.

[systemvault]

Living only thru fiction and ‘magical thinking’ are common childhood ways to survive the cruel reality of abuse. If you don’t find any safety, understanding, support or nurturing in your immediate environment, the only other place you can look as a child is books, series, movies, anime. Child fiction specifically deals with a lot of trauma, lots of independent and abandoned children who you can relate to, with adults being absent, uninvolved, or dead in the story. Protagonists deal with a hell of trouble on their own and succeed, and it’s hopeful that you could too. They also have loyal friend groups often risking lives for each other, which is a common desire to have for an isolated, trapped and friendless child. Having someone passionately ready to risk everything for you would do so much for your feeling of self value.

Magical thinking is another common way for children to survive abuse, and it can be interlaced with fiction. Since the forces of evil in your young life are so strong and prevalent, you have to imagine the forces of good are as strong and prevalent too. So that if you suffer pain and struggle past your endurance, then this means miracles could happen too. Waiting to be taken away, to be transported to another dimension which is your real home, to be materialized in a book or a movie, to be given your fictional friends in real life, to be given magical powers, believing you are special and chosen, believing you will become strong and powerful if you only wish it enough, and this feeling like an inevitable reality, that is magical thinking. It can get dangerous, because as a child you’ve learned that for a little bit of good, you need to suffer a lot, so by that logic, to get your miracle, it can feel like you need to sacrifice something big, pray endlessly, provide extraordinary circumstances and relentless faith, believe it into becoming the truth, or even give up on the rest of your life only to make it happen. It can go as far as a child founding their own personal religion or set of beliefs that are very removed from reality. 

Magical thinking is designed to help you survive as a child, but it can grow into an obsession, or something that takes over your life and becomes impossible to let go of, because you feel your life now depends on it. It’s a life of waiting and inability to let go of the thing you’re waiting for, because you lived just for that, it was the only thing that made sense.

Not being able to bear your reality, you can get stuck only feeling alive in fiction, or thru maladaptive daydreaming, and these strategies to protect yourself are very hard to let go of. If you’ve experienced these, it’s likely you’ve been dealing with trauma that couldn’t be faced, couldn’t be processed by a kid, and wasn’t survivable without a fictional escape. There is no shame or embarrassment in getting lost in fiction, magical thinking, or daydreaming; in fact, you’re still alive because of it. You wouldn’t have gotten lost in them if there was any other alternative. You gave yourself a reason to go on where there was none. You found a way to keep being alive thru unsurvivable. Your mind saved you in the best way it could.

[systemvault]

write 'maybe' in the tags and put the first tag that comes with it

[systemvault]

Hm I see. I kind of need to hold these or I’ll die.

[systemvault]

[systemvault]

i havent felt like anyone else in a while. i think it's only really been a few days but it's as if that Moment TM i had with the bus kind of shut everything down or something.

that or I was just exaggerating my symptoms this whole time out of boredom and now that I'm Occupied TM i don't have to pretend to be other people djfndbfb

[systemvault]

aura

[systemvault]

thinking about what I'll even do if I get assessed for DID and they tell me I just have CPTSD/trauma (which is what every single specialist I've seen so far has said when I tried to get assessed for ADHD and autism)

because like... yes, it's entirely possible that it's CPTSD. I've acknowledged that many times and in everyday life I generally think my experiences are closer to "just" CPTSD since I have such prolonged periods of not feeling like multiple people.

but then... what am I meant to do when I get another active period?? like. when I don't feel like myself, when I feel like several different people at different times and start feeling and thinking differently about people in my life and experience identity crises constantly, what do I do?? do I just. ignore it?? behave like its still me, even though I'll always have the thought of "oh I feel like ☕ right now" or whoever else??

idk. I feel like by pursuing an assessment I'm just setting myself up for being told, yet again, that it's "just trauma" - trauma that's clearly bad and has "an effect" on me, but apparently isn't enough to be given a name.

[systemvault]

DID Ask Game

❤️ - When did you realize you were a system? 🖤 - How many alters do you have? Can you tell me about them? 💔 - How does your system get along? 🧨 - What is unique about your system? 💣 - What do you believe caused your system to bo born? 💉 - Are you self disgnosed or professionally diagnosed? 🕳️ - Do you ever lose time? If so, how does it affect your life? 😡 - What do you dislike about your system? 💀 - Have any of your alters ever integrated or disappeared?  👿 - Do you ever wish you weren’t a system? ☠️ - Has your system ever put you in danger? 😈 - is there any part of your system you would change? 🎱 - Does your system have any spiritual or idealogical beliefs? 💋 - How does your DID affect your relationships?  🎬 - What forms of entertainment do you enjoy as a system? 👄 - How does your DID affect your communication? 🎤 - Do you feel comfortable talking about your DID? 🔞 - What was it like growing up with DID?  🎹 - What do you create as a system? 🚨 - Does your system have any triggers? 💬 - How does your system cope with difficult situations? 💢 - How do you feel about people who pretend to have DID? 💥 - Do any of your alters have social media? If so, can you link it?