szbnahl - Tumblr blog

[szbnahl]

if he was still alive I know in my heart that Terry Pratchett would have done a bit about Igors and Igorinas doing gender confirmation surgery by now. going into a lab full of bubbling vials and picking out a penis from a tank the way you pick a lobster. that one, please. you gotta be careful though because they'll really try to upsell you into getting two or three installed. people going to the clinic as pairs and just having parts swapped out for a discounted rate. maybe you actually just trade brains, that's even easier. Igorth have already been doing that thurgery for thenturieth.

[szbnahl]

i cant help but notice that the chocolate chips cookies you brought to the potluck yesterday had bad vibes. so i went through your cabinets while you were sleeping and checked out the chocolate chips you used. i mean they looked innocent on the surface, they were even fair trade certified. but i just couldn't shake that itching sense that sometning was off. i infiltrated the chocolate company's headquarters by posing as IT support. and you know what I found? the guy who designed the labels got a dui in 2007. so it turns out my instincts were right and you're a terrible person.

[szbnahl]

Number of Goblins, ranked

One Goblin - That's just a goblin. He's probably just getting his groceries or something. Leave him alone, you asshole.

Ten Goblins -- That's a fairly normal amount of goblins. There's generally around ten goblins in any given situations. They're just here for aesthetic, so you know it's a fantasy world. Remember to tip them when you leave.

One Hundred Goblins -- Ok this is too many goblins, but this is a reasonable amount of too many goblins. Like, this is maybe an army of goblins or something? My point is that they're probably here for a good reason. Best not to mess with them, they're likely load-bearing in some way.

One Thousand Goblins -- This is probably a goblin town, in which case this is really more a case of One Human, which is a completely different list only available on goblintube. If not, all these goblins are lost. Return them to the goblin town. The orcs are worried.

One Million Goblins -- A million goblins? I'm not sure I've even seen a million things in my life , and now there's a million goblins? That's, like, all the goblins. Why are you at a convention of all the goblins? Are you a goblin? Actually, no, that would make sense. Yeah, that's probably what's going on here. Sorry you had to find out this way.

One Billion Goblins -- Ok, look, at this point you have clearly been sent to a future time where humanity is extinct and goblins have inherited the earth. I can think of no other explanation for a billion goblins. This sadly means that you're the weirdo, and you have to go be a cryptid now. At least you can find a phone and read the goblin creepypastas about you.

One Trillion Goblins -- How? What is happening? This is more goblins then there are birds, and they'll all in your house? How is your house this big? Wait, forget the goblins, how is your house this big? Are the goblins here to guillotine you? Probably! Move out of your stupid mansion and let the goblins have it, you weird rich bird-hoarding freak.

One Quadrillion Goblins -- One quadrillion? I'm only like 80% sure that's even a real number! Luckily, you won't have to deal with a quadrillion goblins for long, because soon they'll collapse together under their gravity, forming a far more manageable single planet-sized goblin. Picard's not gonna be happy about this one!

More Goblins -- Fuck off, you do not have more then a quadrillion goblins. Why are you lying? Are you worried I won't like you if you don't claim to have an implausible number of goblins? Don't worry. Your worth is not dependent on your goblin numbers. Go back to the actual number of goblins secure in the fact I love you, no matter how few goblins you have <3

[szbnahl]

So I was writing a small paper in Microsoft Word and the program suddenly crashed (I saved a couple minutes before, thank god) and I get this message in the corner of my screen two seconds afterward

what the fuck

[szbnahl]

My answer:

Fortunately, I remember that the moon travels at about 1 km/s, because it's a nice round number. I also remember that the moon takes about 27 1/3 days to orbit the Earth, because I was surprised it wasn't the length of a lunar month (I think that's because of the Earth's rotation, like the difference between solar and sidereal days, but don't quote me on that).

Anyway, 3600 x 24 x 27.33 = 2,361,312, so the moon takes approximately 2,361,312 seconds to orbit the Earth, covering a distance of 2,361,312 km. Obviously that's not a perfect circle, but since we're pretending there's a constant distance to the moon, we're by definition pretending there's a circular orbit (also I can't remember the formulae for ellipses). C=2πr, so r=C/2π = 2,361,312/2π = 375,814 km.

Guesstimation game: no googling!

How far away is the moon?

No using the web, books, maps, etc. No checking the notes!

Put your guess and reasoning behind a readmore, so your followers also get a chance to play.

The goal isn't to get the RIGHT answer (or even get close), it's to see how you and others come up with a guess. It's also not a competition, don't worry about how you do in relation to others!

[szbnahl]

An order of reclusive monks moved deep into the chthonic depths of the underworld to better commune with the primordial darkness and discover secret knowledge therein. In the years since they have changed, permanently altered by the knowledge they have gained.

[szbnahl]

The Doctor and The Master implies a third, less prestigious renegade timelord named The Bachelor

[szbnahl]

some of my favourite sign fails <3

[szbnahl]

If you know you know.

... Extrapolating from incomplete data be like...

[szbnahl]

Happy ester

[szbnahl]

Oh god, why didn’t you just let him through?

[szbnahl]

My brain: You have so many tight deadlines. So many things on your weekly schedule. So many important jobs. You have to get important work done!!!

My hands:

[szbnahl]

I found this camera on the subway and look what was inside...

[szbnahl]

To celebrate #Wordle1000, here is my cartoon about Wordle addiction for the Guardian. Get a print here: www.tomgauld.com/shop

[szbnahl]

Sometimes self-care is, actually, NOT getting onto the computer and little treats and watching youtube videos. Sometimes those things are self-care, but sometimes they're also avoidant behaviors.

Sometimes self care is waking up and just. Fucking getting in the car. And driving to the bank. And the store. And buying the cat litter. And changing the cat boxes you've been avoiding because your brains been stuck in a hole. And picking up the trash you've been piling up. And getting a load into the wash. And mowing the lawn before the village council sends you a formal complaint and potential-fines warning.

Like its hard and annoying to do because it sucks. It sucks so much. But if I don't start working on this pile of bullshit I've let build up because it stinks and i was stuck in deer-in-headlights mode, I risk letting it turn into fuckery. I do not have the patience for fuckery that I once - foolishly! - thought I had.

[szbnahl]

A bardigrade. It's a tardigrade, but it's a bard

playing the world's smallest violin

[szbnahl]

My latest cartoon for Guardian Books.