#+ memory's a bit fuzzy rn sorry for anything that causes | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

jayoonology · 1 year

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𝐰𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐮𝐩 𝐜𝐚𝐥𝐥 | 𝐞𝐩𝐢𝐬𝐨𝐝𝐞 𝐨𝐧𝐞

𝗮/𝗻 - yay!! First chapter out now guys!! I’m already half way done with the second chapter, my mind is running wild rn. this chapter is sort of long cause I wanted to get the basic concept out so we can move on with the story. it’s a bit confusing so if you guys have any questions lmk!! also sorry for the lack of soobin this chapter 💔💔

𝘄𝗰 - 7.3k

𝘀𝗲𝗿𝗶𝗲𝘀 𝗺𝗮𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗹𝗶𝘀𝘁 | 𝗻𝗲𝘅𝘁 ▷ | 𝗻𝗮𝘃𝗶𝗴𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻

╭── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ──╮

Something is wrong with you. Ever since winter term has started your memory has been a bit fuzzy. You could be in maths class and then suddenly you’re eating dinner at home. Like some weird time jump. At first, it started small, like jumping to the end of a lesson but as the days progress they’ve been getting further apart. One time you even jumped forward 2 days. To say that this is worrying will be an understatement. No matter how far you look for answers, you can’t seem to find anything; even google let you down.

“Fuck, could it be that I’m dying?” You whisper to no one in particular. Nowadays all you think about during your conscious moments are the weird jumps in your memory. No. You shake your head. You couldn’t possibly be dying, your health otherwise has been perfectly fine.

Could it be head trauma? No. You haven’t done anything dangerous..or maybe you have and you just can’t remember..? You groan into your hands, why is this happening to you?

“Y/N?” You hear your teacher call out, immediately your head shoots up from your hands, almost forgetting that you were indeed in a lesson. The class muffles laughter as the teacher shakes his head.

“Y/N, have you been paying attention?”

“Uh..yeah I have.”

Your economics teacher Mr Cho sighs, giving you another chance to fess up, “Have you really been paying attention?”

You nod ‘yes’ even though it’s blatantly a lie and everyone knows it. It’s just too embarrassing to go back on what you said. Mr Cho shakes his head, “Alright, what are the main objectives of government macroeconomic policy?”

Shit. You awkwardly stand up as your classmates make another poor attempt at stifling their child-like giggles. You shoot them a disgusted look, god what is this? primary school?

“The..um.. the main objectives” you start, dragging your words as if it would do you any good, “The main objectives of the macroeconomic pol—"

RING RING RING

YES!

Saved by the bell. Before Mr Cho could even open his mouth, the students start packing away, some leaving the second the bell rang. You follow the lead, aimlessly throwing your pencils and notebook into your bag. You’ll sort it out later, you just need to get out of his classroom.

But Lady Luck isn’t always on your side, “Y/N, can you stay back?” You hear Mr Cho say sternly. You’re screwed. You mentally facepalm, before slowly turning into dread.

“Do I still need to answer your question?” You say sheepishly, playing with the straps of your backpack.

“That’s not necessary.” He leans against his desk, crossing his arms before his chest, “Y/N, your final exams are approaching and you’ve been zoning out in your lessons.”

“Mr Cho, this was just a one-time occurrence.”

“I’ve spoken to your other teachers, you’ve been zoning out in your other lessons too.” He replies quickly, “Is there anything bothering you?”

Yes.

“No, nothing... I guess I’m just stressed about senior year.” He nods sympathetically. You briefly debate on whether you should tell Mr Cho about your memory gaps. But it’s fruitless, he’ll probably think you’re crazy.

“I understand, but please—“

Click

“Huh?” It happened again. You’ve jumped, secretly thankful that you didn’t have to hear Mr Cho’s speech about responsibility and school/life balance.

You’re greeted with the soft early spring breeze. Sitting outside amid a blooming spring day surrounded by cherry blossoms is an enchanting experience, you’ve always thought so. You feel the gentle breeze blow past you, carrying the petals through the air. The breeze carries the sweet fragrance of the flowers and rustles their delicate petals, and the soft pink and white hues of the cherry blossom trees create a serene and peaceful ambience. The rustling of the leaves and the chirping of the birds add to the tranquillity of the moment. Maybe you could enjoy yourself in a different world. Right now all you can think about is your sanity. Are you truly losing it? From a distance, you spot your friend and classmate Beomgyu with his partner Cat.

“GYU!” You shout across the garden, catching their attention, you give them a small wave as you walk across.

“Hey Y/N!” He greets you simply, offering you some of the crisps he was munching on.

“Gyu what day is it?”

“Uh.” He pauses, checking his smartwatch for the date, “3rd March, 12:47 PM”

‘Okay good, so it’s still the same day...I just jumped a couple of hours.' you pull out your diary. You’ve been keeping note of how often you jump and how long the jump is.

“Are you coming to the cafeteria with us?” Cat asks, you nod your head ‘yes’ following them inside with idle chatter.

The cafeteria as usual was filled to the brim, you’d be lucky to find a seat here, especially during the cold spring afternoons. You pick up a random sandwich and some cookies, following your two friends. I guess a perk of going to an elite school is that the food lives up to the price.

“Guys!” You hear a familiar voice call out. Huh Yunjin, your best friend since forever. You can’t even remember a time without her existing. One thing about Yunjin is that she has no shame, and you love that about her. She’s pretty easy to spot in the crowd, after all, she held an entire open table for you guys, yelling at whoever tried to sit on it. Happily, you walk towards the table, taking the seat in front of her, your other friends following suit. It doesn’t take long for the table to erupt with conversations.

You couldn’t help but notice the empty seat next to you, “Yunjin.” You call out, “Where’s Kai?”

“Kai’s over there with Kang Taehyun.” She says in between chewing, pointing to a table at the back of the cafeteria.

You turn to find your best friend and Taehyun engaging in some pretty deep conversation, deep enough that Kai to still sits there instead of coming to eat lunch with you guys.

“They’ve got some music project,” Beomgyu mentions, making you break your gaze from their table.

You didn’t know much about Kang Taehyun. Sure, you’ve been in the same school since nursery but you’ve never really talked to him. He’s quiet in class and sort of just fades away from social situations. You try to think of the last time you talked to Taehyun. Was it during your primary school graduation? Was it last week when you asked to borrow a pencil?

“What kind of music project?” Haechan asks, sipping on his orange juice. Beomgyu shrugs, “I’m not sure really.”

“ANYWAYS-“ Sakura breaks the small silence that enveloped the table, “So then I was basically 1v1 him and I used the-"

Your eyes keep flickering to Kai and Taehyun, and you aren’t sure why. Seeing them talk is arising some kind of emotion in you, you can’t really place what it is.

Just as you were internally debating to get up to go talk to them the bell rings, eliciting a groan from the table.

“See you guys after lesson.” Your friends say to each other, picking their lunch trays to dispose of. You hastily grab your bag, walking towards Kai, who’s still talking to Taehyun like nothing happened.

“Hey, Hyuka!” You greet your friend, breaking the conversation. Your eyes flicker to Taehyun, “Hey Taehyun.” He offers you a tight-lipped smile.

“You ready to go to lesson?” You ask Kai, who stares at you bewildered, “Is lunch already over?” You nod.

“Aw man, I didn’t get to even eat anything.” He groans, patting his stomach. Before you could say anything, Taehyun pulls out an energy bar from his bag, handing it to Kai. Excitedly the brunette thanked Taehyun, devouring the energy bar.

“Taehyun, you’re in our biology class aren’t you?” You aren’t really sure why you asked, you know he’s in your class. Maybe because it’s too awkward to just hover over them in silence. He nods.

“You should come sit with us Taehyun!” Kai bubbled, grabbing the penguin bag that you got him for his 18th birthday. Your eyes widen involuntarily, surprised at your friend’s suggestion.

“No thanks, I wouldn’t want to be a bother,” Taehyun says, looking right at you. Shit. That was rude of you. You awkwardly look down at your feet, feeling incredibly called out. Thankfully, Kai being oblivious doesn’t notice anything different.

“Please!” He begs, “You wouldn’t bother anyone! Right Y/N?” He beams at you. You nod quickly, trying to rectify the situation.

“Yeah, you should sit with us.” You say too quickly, nodding profusely.

“Okay.” He responds plainly, getting up from the table. Kai being the social creature he is fills you into the conversation he was having with Taehyun earlier.

You learn that Taehyun’s on the football team and that he’s passionate about music. Of course, you learn this from Kai rather than Taehyun, who walks in silence, giving a subtle reaction now and then.

Even as you sit down in the lab, Kai doesn’t stop talking about how cool Taehyun is and how he single handily wrote the lyrics for their music project. You take your seat in between Taehyun and Kai.

“That’s so cool.” You respond, genuinely interested in their project, “Will I get to hear it after you’re done?” Hyuka nods excitedly, telling you his vision for the project.

As the teacher walks in, the class falls into silence with occasional whisper every now and then. During the lesson, you can’t help but think you misread Taehyun. It was quite ignorant of you to think he was boring just because you never really interacted with him.

“Okay class, I’ll be checking everyone’s homework now.” The teacher announces.

Wait what?

Homework? You had homework? Your biology teacher was infamous for punishing people who don’t turn in their homework. Your head snaps to Kai, who calmly removes his homework from his file, “KAI WE HAD HOMEWORK?!” You whisper yell.

“Yeah” he replies, “Have you not done it?” He smiles coyly.

“No!” You exclaim, “I didn’t even know we had homework, when did she give us homework?”

“Last week! You were sat right next to me.” He replies, laughing a little to himself. You narrow your eyes, Kai is always like this. He loves it when you forget about the homework, he says it’s funny to watch you get scolded.

Hurryingly removing your memory jump diary from your bag, your fingers flip through the page looking for the right entry. “What day was it?”

“27th February- what’s that journal?” He tries to glance over your shoulder.

You mumble the date to yourself as you flicker through the pages. 27th February. You skipped the day entirely. No wonder you didn’t know about it.

Taehyun doesn’t pay much attention to what you and Kai are talking about. As if in his own world, he removes his homework and calmly waits for the teacher to get to your shared table.

“God, nowadays my memory has such weird jumps.” Taehyun involuntarily turns to you, as if some foreign subject controlled his body.

“Jumps?” He finds himself asking you, you turn to him surprised. You didn’t think he was listening to your conversation. His eyes fall upon your diary.

<27-28th February I missed two whole days. The last thing I remember was walking home with Yunjin and suddenly I was in pe class on the 29th. This is the longest jump yet. I don’t exhibit any other symptoms. I still hear this clicky sound when I jump.>

“What do you mean by jumps?” Kai asks, intrigued by your unusual statement. You shut your diary, unaware that Taehyun has already read your entry.

“I don’t know how to explain it—“ you try to say but are immediately cut off by Kai hugging you. “What are you doing?” You say whilst pushing him off.

“Is that why you’ve been so spacey?” He exclaims, “You should take better care of your health! You shouldn’t stay up playing games with Sakura and Beomgyu!”

You sigh to yourself. Just as you suspected, it would be illogical to tell your friends. As much as you love your friends and trust them with your life, they just wouldn’t believe you. You wouldn’t believe you either, this is something right out of a comic.

Taehyun looks between you and Kai, the wheels in his brain turning. Could it be that-? Taehyun stopped his thought.

“Y/N.” You looked at your teacher with dread. From your face alone she just knew you haven’t done your homework. “Detention after-school, do the homework 3 times.” You hang your head in defeat, accepting your punishment.

Besides you, Kai laughs to himself, amused by you getting told off. You were too down to shut him up.

“Don’t worry Y/N!” Kai pats your back sympathetically, “You can copy my homework. You’ll be done in an hour.”

“Thanks.” You say sadly, there go your after-school plans. _____________________________As you expected, the library was empty after-school, and even the librarian wasn’t there. Kai’s homework was of no use to you, he got nearly every question wrong. Ultimately you were back at square one. Thankfully with the help of our supreme leader Google, the questions didn’t take you long. The only tedious task was writing it down multiple times.

Before you knew it, the sun had already set. As you walk through the empty hallways of your school, you can't help but feel a sense of eerie solitude. The sun has started to set outside, casting long shadows through the windows and painting the rooms in a warm, golden light.

You can hear the faint creaking of the floorboards as you make your way down the corridor, and the sound of your footsteps echoes through the stillness.

You find yourself looking into your classroom. The rows of desks and chairs are deserted, and the chalkboard at the front of the room is blank. There’s something weird about seeing an environment usually bustling with energy vacant. You gaze out the window, watching as the sun continues to dip lower in the sky, painting the clouds a brilliant shade of pink and orange.

As the minutes pass, the light in the room begins to fade, and the shadows grow longer. You can hear the occasional gust of wind outside, but otherwise, everything is still and silent. You can't help but feel a sense of unease as if you're being watched, but when you look around, there's no one there.

You're walking down the hall, lost in thought when suddenly, you get a distinct feeling that someone is watching you. You turn your head, looking over your shoulder and scanning the area, but there's no one there. You shake your head, trying to dispel the feeling, but it persists. You can't shake the sensation that someone is following you, their gaze fixed on you.

You quicken your pace, turning a corner and almost running into a figure standing just beyond it. With all that sudden movement, your half-open bags decorates the floor with your books. You take a step back, your heart racing as you realize that it's Taehyun, standing there with a curious expression on his face.

"Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," he says with a smile, picking up your books and handing them over to you.

You realise that he must be who has been watching you, and you feel a mix of relief and embarrassment. "It's okay," you reply, trying to calm your nerves. “What are you still doing at school?”

“I was just working on the project in the music room,” Taehyun explains, the late afternoon rays beaming on his face. Your eyes light up, is Kai here too? Maybe you can complain about him giving you the wrong homework.

“Is Hyuka here too?”

“No, he left ages ago.” He replies cooly, adjusting his backpack. The awkwardness between the both of you was setting in.

“I have to go home sooo...” you trail off, trying to find an opening to leave. He nods earnestly, “Me too.”

“So...I’m going to go now.” You say awkwardly, rocking back and forth on your heels.

“Y/N?” Taehyun calls out before you can leave, you sigh to yourself before turning back. “We should probably walk together.” He proposes, “It’s getting dark after all.”

Defeated, you nod your head ‘yes’.

The walk with Taehyun was awkward, to say the least. You try to make small talk but the words don't come out quite right, leaving you feeling even more uncomfortable. Taehyun was less than quiet today during lesson, it seemed like it was a chore for him to hang out with you and Kai. Why’s he being friendly now?

“Uh, Taehyun?” You start awkwardly, there’s no easy way to ask the question you’re about to ask, “were you..uh.. following name after school?”

Taehyun blinks at the accusation, unsure how to answer your question, “No, of course not.” He tried to play cool. You pierce your gaze through him, uncertain as to whether he was lying or not.

The silence between you two was deafening, with every step feeling heavier than the last. The air is thick with unspoken thoughts and feelings that neither of you knows how to address. You find yourself shuffling your feet, fidgeting with your hands, and sneaking sidelong glances at each other, hoping for a sign that the other is feeling just as awkward as you are.

“This is my house.” You say as you walk into the driveway. Taehyun nods softly before walking a few steps backwards. “See you tomorrow.” He waves, stuffing his hands in his pockets and walking the other way.

You shut the front door quickly behind you. What the fuck. You take out your phone from your blazer pocket.

‘I need to text Kai’ you think to yourself as you open up the chat between you.

“I’m such an idiot.” You say to yourself, burying your face into your hands.

_____________________

“What if he’s vegan?” Beomgyu eyes the cookie jar. “Will I get to keep it then?”

“Shut up Beomgyu.” The sentence flows out of you so easily, it’s like second nature to ask Beomgyu to shut up. “Where does Taehyun usually hang out?” You ask, “Schools going to start soon, I don’t have long.”

“Probably the music room,” Cat responds to your question, dragging their boyfriend away from the cookies

You thank your friends and make your way to the music room. The halls are bustling with students rushing to their classes, laughing and chatting with their friends, and you have to navigate your way through the crowds to get where you need to go.

You weave in and out of groups of students, trying not to bump into anyone or get in their way. You can hear the sound of lockers slamming shut, backpacks rustling, and the occasional burst of laughter. The air is thick with the scent of perfume, cologne, and sweat, and the hum of voices fills your ears.

You keep your eyes focused ahead, trying to spot the music room amidst the chaos. You glance down at your watch, realizing that you're running out of time. You pick up your pace, dodging past groups of students and squeezing through narrow gaps.

As you get closer to the music room, the noise level starts to decrease, and you can hear the sound of someone practising on the piano. You quicken your step, and soon you're standing outside the door.

You take a deep breath and push open the door, stepping into the music room. The room is warm and cosy, with soft lighting and a comfortable atmosphere.

You feel a sense of uneasiness and nervousness. How are you going to apologise to him? Will he accept it?

As you enter, you notice that he is hunched over, his eyes fixed on something on his lap.

"Hey, sorry for yesterday, I didn't mean-" You stop mid-sentence as you realize what he's holding - your diary.

As you approach him, your eyes widen in disbelief as you realize that he has your diary in his hands, and is flipping through the pages. "Wait, is that my diary?"

Taehyun looks up, startled by your presence, and you can see the shame etched on his face. The feeling of betrayal and violation is overwhelming as you catch Taehyun reading your diary. It's a mix of shock and anger, and your mind is racing with questions. How did he find it? Why did he think it was okay to read it?

"What the hell are you doing?" You find yourself raising your voice at him, trying to grab the diary from his hands. He raises his arm higher, refusing to hand you the diary.

“Just let me read some more.” Taehyun reasons, “It’s not a big deal.” He clutches it tightly in his hands, you can see the defiance in his eyes.

Your head goes delirious in anger, NOT A BIG DEAL? This is your jumping diary, a book that has an account of every jump you’ve made these past couple of months. Taehyun probably thinks you’re crazy.

"Not a big deal? That’s MY diary.” You bark, You feel your blood boiling at his lack of respect for your privacy. You can't believe he thinks it's okay to keep something so personal without your permission. “You have no right to keep it."

You're not sure what to do - he's taller and stronger than you, and it's clear that he's not going to give up the diary without a fight.

You try to think of a way to outmanoeuvre him, to get the diary back without resorting to violence. You see an opening and lunge forward, but he's too quick, dodging out of the way and pushing you backwards.

You stumble and fall to the ground, but you're not about to give up. You scramble to your feet and lunge forward again, this time managing to get your hands on the diary. You pull it towards you, but he's still holding on, refusing to let go.

The two of you tug back and forth, the diary caught in the middle. You take a deep breath and focus all your energy on pulling the diary towards you. You can feel your muscles straining as you give it all you've got. Finally, the diary comes free, and you fall backwards, clutching it to your chest.

You let out a relieved laugh, “I knew there was something weird about you—“

Click

Not right now!! This is the worst timing ever. You can’t afford to now, you have to confront. Wait..why can’t you move? Your eyes dart across the room in a panic, everyone else seems normal. You sit frozen in your seat, unable to move your hands or body as if you are trapped in a prison of immobility. The weight of this invisible force presses down on you, making it impossible to reach for a pen or even shift in your chair. You desperately try to break free, but every muscle feels like it's been bound by ropes, leaving you completely powerless. From the corner of your eyes, you see Taehyun, who sits calmly as if the incident in the music room never happened.

The door to the classroom swings open, a sudden hush falls over the students. All eyes turn towards the entrance, eager to catch a glimpse of the new arrival. A moment later, a figure steps into the room, looking around at the sea of faces.

All eyes are fixed on him, drinking in the sight of his chiselled features and tall, broad-shouldered frame. The girls whisper excitedly to each other, giggling and batting their eyelashes, while the boys shoot envious glances at him. It's as if a celebrity has entered the room - everyone seems to be in awe of him. Even the teacher seems momentarily distracted, pausing mid-sentence to take in the newcomer. The atmosphere in the classroom has shifted, charged with a palpable energy of admiration and curiosity.

“Class, we have a new student.” Mr Cho’s voice breaks you back into reality. As you glance over at the new boy in your class, your eyes are immediately drawn to his height and the striking shade of blue in his hair. He towers over the other students, his frame commanding attention even as he tries to blend in. The boldness of his hair colour seems to match his confident demeanour, and you can't help but feel a sense of curiosity about him. You wonder what brought him to this school and what kind of person he is beyond his appearance. Despite his striking features, there's a sense of mystery around him that leaves you eager to learn more.

“Hello, I’m Choi Yeonjun.” The blue hair boy introduces himself, offering a small bow to the class. You can sense magnetic energy emanating from him, and you can't help but feel a little envious of his effortless charm. “Take a seat wherever you like Yeonjun.” Mr Cho smiles at the new boy.

Your heart skips a beat as the new boy approaches your desk, and then you're surprised as he chooses the seat right next to you. You feel a flush of nervous excitement as you catch his eye, noticing the way his electric blue hair seems to sparkle in the light. As he settles into his seat, you can't help but feel conscious of the way your own hair is a mess, and you quickly run your fingers through it in an attempt to tame it.

“Hi.” He smiles at you, extending out his hand. You subconsciously feel the gaze of all your classmates looking at you. Involuntarily, your hand reaches out to shake his.

Click

You let out a heavy breath. Good, you can move again. Your eye flickers back to Taehyun’s desk. He’s gone. Shit, where did he go?

You suddenly become aware that you've been holding Yeonjun's hand for too long.

What started as a casual touch has turned into an extended grasp, and you can feel the heat rising to your cheeks as you realize your mistake. You quickly release his hand, hoping he hasn't noticed the length of the contact. As you glance over at him, you see a faint smirk on his face, and you wonder if he's caught on to your embarrassment. You try to act as if nothing has happened, but your heart is still racing from the unexpected intimacy. You can't help but wonder what it would be like to hold his hand again, but you push the thought aside and focus on the task at hand.

"Oh, sorry," you say, quickly releasing his hand.

"It's okay," He replies, but you can tell he’s a little taken aback.

You feel a flush of embarrassment creep up your neck, and you can't meet his gaze.

Wait. This is not the time to get flustered by the new kid. You need to find Taehyun, where did he go?

As the lesson drags on, you can feel your frustration mounting. All you can think about is confronting Taehyun. You glance around the room, trying to come up with a plan. You know you can't just blurt out your feelings in the middle of class, but you can't wait until the end of the period either.

Finally, you decide to make a move. You quietly gather your things and begin to make your way to the door, hoping to catch your classmate in the hallway. As you inch closer to the exit, you feel a pang of guilt for leaving in the middle of the lesson, but your desire to confront him is too strong.

Just as you're about to slip out the door, Mr Cho calls out your name. You freeze, feeling a rush of panic. You turn to face him, trying to act casual, but you know you've been caught.

"Is everything okay?" Your teacher asks, his brow furrowed in concern.

You mumble a quick excuse about needing to use the restroom, hoping to buy yourself some time. But as you turn to leave, you can feel the eyes of your classmates on you, and you wonder if they suspect what's really going on.

The halls were deserted, and the only sounds were the echoes of your footsteps and the sound of your racing heartbeat. You knew that you were risking getting caught by one of the teachers or security guards, but you didn't care. All you could think about was finding Taehyun and getting your diary back.

As you made your way down the empty hallways, you kept your eyes peeled for any signs of life. You tried to move as quietly as possible, taking small, measured steps, and avoiding any loose floorboards or creaky spots. You could feel the adrenaline pumping through your veins, and your senses were on high alert.

As you rounded a corner, you heard footsteps coming from the opposite end of the hallway. You quickly ducked behind a row of lockers and held your breath, hoping that whoever it was wouldn't notice you. The footsteps came closer and closer, and you could see the shadow of a teacher approaching. You held your breath, trying not to make a sound, as the teacher passed by without noticing you.

You were not entirely sure where Taehyun was, but you knew he wasn’t stupid enough to go back to the music room. Where else would a teenager go if they were bunking lesson? The library?

After the teacher had passed, you quickly made your way down the hall towards the library. When you finally reached the library, you peeked through the window to see if anyone was inside. The room was dark and quiet, and you couldn't see anyone. Taking a deep breath, you slowly opened the door and slipped inside.

The library was dimly lit, and the only sound was the rustling of pages as students flipped through books. You scanned the room, looking for any sign of Taehyun. You couldn't see him at first, but then you caught a glimpse of a figure hiding behind a bookshelf. You made your way over to the bookshelf, and as you got closer, you could see that it was Taehyun.

“Taehyun.” You call out his name in a whisper yell, making sure not to raise your voice in a library. You don’t want to draw any attention to yourself.

“Y/N, look I can explain.” Taehyun tries to reason, stepping a few steps back. You could tell that he was sincere, and your anger began to dissipate. You took a deep breath, trying to calm down.

“Try to explain what? That you have no respect for my—“

“When you were in class did you feel like you couldn’t move?” He says suddenly, grabbing hold of your shoulders.

“What?”

“And then suddenly you shook Yeonjun’s hand even though you didn’t mean to?” Your head tilts back in confusion, how does he know? “Let me show you something.” He says, grabbing your arm and dragging you to the opposite bookshelf. He pulls out a book with a flowery cover from the top shelf, blowing the dust away.

“What’s this?” You puzzled, gently taking the book from him. You stare at the cover. Law of attraction, it read. The cover was simple, the typical cover of a romance manhwa.

“Just open it” He insists, so you do. Eagerly opened the book but as you flipped through the pages, you were confused to find that every page was completely blank.

You blinked, rubbed your eyes, and checked the cover to make sure you had the right book. “It’s empty.” You say. You were surprised, wondering what it could mean. But as you continued to flip through the pages, you see a couple of drawn panels. You blink in confusion. It can’t be, can it?

It was Yeonjun, standing in front of the classroom. No no. It isn’t Yeonjun… it’s just someone that looks just like him. Your eyes move on to the next panel where he sits down next to illustration of a girl with h/c hair, offering his hand to her. Wait..that happened to you…

You immediately flick back to the character page. It was clearer than day; An illustration of a tall boy with blue locks, Choi Yeonjun, main character. Your mouth hangs open..what is this? Next to him is a beautiful girl with long black hair, Yun Misun, main lead. Misun? Who’s she? You’ve never seen her around school before. On his left, there’s a illustration of a figure that had an alarming resemblance to you, L/N Y/N, second lead. SECOND LEAD? You’re the second lead?

Your head was starting to hurt. You imagined yourself pining for the main lead, trying to win his affection, but always falling short. You envisioned yourself in dramatic scenes, heartbroken and alone, as the main characters enjoyed their happily ever after. What is this? Second lead? How can you, L/N Y/N the most popular girl in school be the second lead?

“What is this?” You say, your voice barely audible. You feel like you’re going to be sick. “You’re trying to tell me we live in a manhwa?”

Taehyun nods his head slowly, “Look I know it’s a lot to take in, but at least you know you aren’t losing your mind.” He says, motioning you to sit down on the floor before you pass out. “Those weird memory gaps you’re having? It’s because of the time skips to start the actual story.”

“Why are there time skips only now?” You ask, sitting down beside him. “I haven’t had any of them before.”

“You have, we all have.” He answers, your furrow your brows in confusion, “Only now that you’re conscious, you can actually experience them.”

“This is making my head hurt.” You bury your head into your head in confusion, hoping this is all a bad dream.

You sit there in silence for a while, Taehyun remaining patient with you.

“So I’m the second lead?” You break the silence after you’ve calmed down a bit, looking at the strawberry-haired boy next to you. He nods. “How can I be the second lead?”

Taehyun lets out a small laugh, “Well it isn’t surprising you aren’t the main lead.” You glare at him, only causing him to laugh louder, eliciting glances from other students. “Think about it Y/N, you come from a rich happy background, you’re popular, you have like a hundred admires at school. Your character doesn’t have more depth than that.”

“What.” You sit straighter, “That’s so much depth, it shows that I’m multitalented. Who’s Misun anyway?”

“I’m not surprised you haven’t noticed her.” He laughs, “She’s the quiet girl in our art class, the one who creates those hyperrealistic paintings.”

You stare blankly at Taehyun, the girl still not ringing a bell. He sighs, “What I’m getting at is that Misun is a scholarship student, she’s an orphan, she works 3 jobs alongside going to school, she’s paying off her dead father's debt and lives with her abusive aunt.”

“She just sounds like too much emotional baggage.” You retort.

“She’s the typical female lead, this is a romance manhwa. It’s nothing if not cliches.” Taehyun explains.

‘Fair enough’ you thought. Your mind is racing at the possibility of actually being in a comic book. How can that even be possible?

As you sat inside the library, you felt a knot in your stomach as you spiralled into the rabbit hole of being in a manhwa, you realised you had so much more to ask Taehyun. You looked over at him, hoping to catch his attention, but the bell suddenly rang, signalling the start of the next lesson.

You hesitated for a moment, considering whether to tell him now or wait until lunch. With a sigh, you decided to wait, knowing that there would be more time to talk during your break.

You quickly said goodbye to Taehyun, asking him to meet you here during lunch and made your way to your next class, your mind still racing with thoughts about your recent discovery.

As you sat in class, your mind was elsewhere. You were still in disbelief after finding out that you were the second lead in a manhwa. It was a weird surreal feeling as if the lines between reality and fiction had been blurred. You had always been a fan of manhwas, but you never expected to find yourself as a character in one.

As the teacher droned on about history, you couldn't help but daydream about the manhwa. You imagined yourself in the pages, your character interacting with the main lead. But the more you thought about it, the more you realized the implications of being the second lead. It meant that you were destined to have your heart broken, to watch as the main lead found love with someone else.

The thought was crushing, and you felt a pang of sadness in your chest. It was one thing to read about heartbreak in a manhwa, but it was another to know that it was your own fate.

You shook your head, trying to clear your thoughts. This was just a silly coincidence, you told yourself. But deep down, you couldn't shake the feeling that something had changed. The world seemed a little less real now.

Meanwhile, Taehyun sits still in the library, trying to go over everything he needs to tell you now that you know. He couldn’t imagine what it would be like for you to wake up one day and find out you live in a manhwa, though he’s glad you took it well.

Taehyun can’t remember a time when he wasn’t conscious; aware of the reality of his fate. It started when he was 5 when he noticed that he kept being displaced; he’d be playing in the morning then all of sudden he’s being tucked into bed. And as all curious kids do, he asked his parents about it. They laughed, thinking it was just kids being kids but little did they know. At some point, Taehyun just accepted that this was his reality, a regular occurrence for him to be skipping through time.

He also remembers the first day he found manhwa, while he was in the library playing hide and seek with his friends. Some shiny shimmering object caught the corner of his eye, his curiosity persisted and he left his hiding spot to go find out what it was. It didn’t take long for little Taehyun to put two and two together, his suspicions were confirmed once he saw a sketch of himself on the character page Kang Taehyun, Yeonjun’s ally. An extra.

“Taehyun?” He snaps out of his daze, looking up to see your standing figure, with two cupcakes in your hands.

“Oh hey.” He smiles, motioning you to sit down. You hand him a cupcake.

“Did you not go back to class?” You ask, the pink-haired man shakes his head no, “Won’t people notice you’re gone?”

“No, I’m just an extra.” He says, biting into the cupcake. “This is really good.” He hums, going in for a larger second bite.

“How long have you known?” You ask abruptly, looking into his doe-like eyes.

“Since I was 5.” You gasp. How could he have not gone completely crazy? It had only been a couple of weeks for you and you were going crazy because you couldn’t tell your friends.

“And..and you haven’t told anyone?” You ask tentatively. He nods, not seeming bothered at all.

“Well except you of course.” He responds, “Who could I tell? People would think I’m crazy.” You find yourself agreeing with him, understanding where he’s coming from.

He notices your drop in mood and nudged you with his shoulder. Taehyun tries to lighten the mood and says, "It's not your fault. I'm pretty good at hiding my emotions."

You shake your head, feeling a sense of responsibility. "I’m sorry you had to go through that alone."

“Don’t worry about it.” He shoots you a small smile. “Now, I have a lot to tell you.” He changes the subject smoothly.

“That feeling where you’re being controlled and do stuff out of your free will is called the stage, like this morning with the new kid.” Taehyun explains, “Right now we’re in the shadow, we are free to do whatever we want to.”

“We can do anything we want?” You ask with shining eyes, your mind going wild with ideas. This means you could stay in bed longer, that you wouldn’t need to do your homework or hell- you don’t even need to come to school.

“Yeah basically. Nothing you do really has an effect. What you do in the shadow doesn’t translate to the stage.” He continues, brushing the stray hairs from his face again. “If you spilt coffee on yourself now, the stain would be gone when you’re on stage or when you jump.”

“So if I start dancing in class it won’t have an impact?” You propose, wanting to make sure your actions won’t have consequences. “People won’t remember after the scene changes?”

“Well..the rules are a bit fuzzy on that..” He trails off, “They tend to remember some things and sometimes they don’t. But that doesn’t mean you go around acting abnormal. They’ll start noticing if you keep acting up.”

“Ooooo, what did you do Taehyun?” You tease, playfully nudging him with your shoulder.

“Well I just found out I was in a manhwa, I had to test the waters.”

“What about conversations? If I talk to my friends about something, will they not remember in the next scene?” You ask, slightly worried. Did this mean you can’t make any new relationships with people?

“Again.. it depends. If you try to give them consciousness it won’t work right away. You’ll probably have to keep trying over and over again.” Taehyun answers, looking into your eyes. “It’s probably because it’s a foreign subject to them. Think of us as little computer programs. If you’re talking to them about something familiar like another classmate or a game you’re playing, they’ll remember because they’re coded for that. But if you try to give them consciousness it won’t compute.”

“Well, that’s okay! I’m persistent, I’ll make sure they’re conscious.” You laugh, trying to act nonchalant. But actually the thought of your friends being empty sort of terrified you. It means your relationship and years with them meant nothing.

“NO! You can’t do that!” He exclaims, causing a few heads to turn towards you.

You shoot the students an apologetic look before turning to Taehyun, “What, why not?”

“It’s dangerous. Have you not watched the Matrix?”

“Yeah I have—“

“So then you should understand. People have different personalities, they might not take it as well as we have, especially if they aren’t satisfied with their role.” He cuts you off, running his hands through his hair. “How would you feel if you woke up and found out you aren’t even an extra, you’re just some background character who has no impact? We are characters in a comic, our only function is to go along with the story.” He rants on. You sit quietly, taking in what he’s saying.

“My job is to support Yeonjun and yours is to be his love interest. Some people have no impact on the story. Like..your friends Sakura and Haechan! Can you imagine how they’ll feel if you tell them they have no meaning to their life? They’ll be heartbroken.” He finishes, his eyes glued to you.

“So you’re telling me it’s better they just live in ignorance?” You reply quickly. You understand where Taehyun is coming from but just the thought of you doing that to your friends makes you feel sick. It isn’t fair that you get to be aware and they don’t.

“At least that way they have a purpose. Promise me you won’t give anyone consciousness, it’s dangerous.” The look in Taehyun’s eyes tells you it’s not time to joke around. He means what he said and it’s best if you just agreed with him.

“Fine… I won’t.” You reluctantly agree. Maybe later when he calms down you can bring it up again? Then maybe he’ll see your point of view.

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mhagnolia · 4 years

Text

avpd asks by @acevoidant

i thought this might be a good (?) activity to better understand myself. i’m definitely on the road to recovery but i had a sad episode today and found avoidant tags on tumblr.

1. how did you find out about avpd? on my fifteenth birthday, i knew i should be happy, but, the whole day i couldn’t stop thinking about my mental space. i think this is one of my symptoms, constantly trying to rationalize and fix my mental state rather than confront the pressing behaviors that cause this (my avoidance). i got ready for bed but i wanted to know what was so wrong that i could never have a normal day. i stopped assuming it was depression, anxiety, ocd, schizophrenia, etc. and considered the next thing i had heard of but never checked: personality disorders. after reading about the criteria for avpd, i found it was strikingly similar to my experience in a way no other disorder has. in short, i guess i just tried searching for an answer for the umpteenth time and found it.

2. are you professionally diagnosed? nope. i don’t know if i really need to be; for me, right now, it’s best if i figure this all out on my own.

3. what age do you think you started having avpd symptoms? my first memories of avpd like symptoms are from second grade when i was about 8 years old. we were let out of the classroom to go to the bathroom and i didn’t want my friends to walk before me (lil meanie) and my teacher called me back into the classroom. i don’t really know what the proper reaction to this is but i went back to my seat, muttered to myself how i was such a bad student, and pulled my hair tie onto my wrist to hurt myself.

4. do you have other mental illnesses? Does avpd complicate these illnesses? If so, in what way? in truth, in truth, in truth, i’m not that sure. i feel anxious often like when i wash dishes or share an opinion but i don’t think its too debilitating. my anxiety is usually just fuzzy chest feelings i get every so often. depression is questionable, but right now, i’m definitely facing a dysfunction that i so often associated with depression (slipping grades, losing sleep, not eating). i believe that my avpd sort of trumps any other mental issues i face and makes my relationship with them much more complex i.e., “i don’t deserve a community/a common place”; “i deserve less than depression”.

5. what do you do to deal with loneliness? i guess busy myself. i never find myself actually reaching out to others.

6. what do you do to deal with depression? if i knew i wouldn’t be writing this.

7. what do you do to deal with anxiety? hmm, i guess try to reason myself out of it? my anxieties usually deal with forces outside of myself, so, it’s much easier to rationalize it. i try to think of my blossoming self growth, my goals, my dreams, and the trust i have in others.

8. if you experience dissociation, what is that like for you personally? i don’t believe i’ve ever experienced dissociation. i think i sometimes do experience depersonalization, though.

9. were you ever misdiagnosed? if so, which mental illness were you misdiagnosed with? how did that affect your treatment? never been diagnosed

10. do you have a safe person? i’ve told my mom i believe i have avpd but we don’t do much about it and i’ve only talked to her about on maybe three occasions. i find a lot of solace in my mom’s side of the family and when i’m with certain cousins i find that my minds quiets and i become a bit of a different person :).

11. have you ever been hospitalized? Ii you have been hospitalized, what was it like and did it help you in any way? never been hospitalized

12. what is your advice to someone who is considering hospitalization or is about to be hospitalized? i don’t think i would really recommend it for anyone dealing with a mental disorder if you don’t pose to a danger to yourself or others. however, honestly, i’m not really versed on what actually occurs in a psychiatric hospitalization. it just doesn’t seem like a positive or pleasant experience that would help,

13. have you ever been in residential treatment? if so, what was it like and did it help? never received treatment

14. what is your advice to someone who is considering residential treatment or is about to start residential treatment? same as above

15. what is your advice to someone who has just been diagnosed with avpd? not sure, i don’t think i could allow myself to muster anything. i guess just find help, whether in a medical respect or in a social respect.

16. who do you look up to that influences your personality/way of thinking? what personality traits/ways of thinking have you taken on because of them? anyone who is materially or emotionally successful, definitely. i find myself often trying to internalize others’ kindness, helpfulness, work ethic, passion, etc. it’s a culmination of different books characters, movie characters, online “personalities,” friends, relatives.

17. who did you look up to when you were young (real or fictional)? i don’t really know, no one really comes to mind in particular.

18. how have you changed since you were first diagnosed? never been diagnosed, however, since i somewhat found my “answer,” i’ve certainly been a lot better than before. whether that has to do with my initial discoveries isn’t clear to me but i am surely better than before.

19. what are some things related to your avpd that you still want to work on? ahaha, everything? the disorder still affects me in the same way than it did at my peak, just to lowered degrees.

20. how are you feeling right now? What is currently influencing your mood? i’m alright rn, we just went to a few parks and walked around different vistas. i had hoji cha bubble tea and i’m feeling ok.

21. do you have any friends with avpd? Ii so, how is that friendship different than friendships with people who do not have avpd? i don’t believe i have any friends with avpd.

22. favorite songs to listen to when you’re in a bad mood? right now it’s ribs by lorde, streetcar by daniel caesar, less and less by maltese, and a story playlist i made for a wattpad fanfic. if i’m in a bad mood and i want to feel better i listen to adam melchor.

23. what do you do to get yourself through a breakdown? i listen to music, watch particular youtube videos, read!!!, or journal.

24. what are your top 3 healthy coping skills? i’m not really sure, i guess breathing, taking a break, and preventing anger/blaming.

25. do you channel your pain into any art forms such as drawing, singing, poetry, etc? “channel pain” lol. i guess i do.

26. are you more of the type to isolate and avoid others or need to be with people all the time because you’re afraid to be alone? isolate

27. are you more of the type to overshare too much personal information or keep too much of yourself a secret out of fear of rejection? definitely keep to myself

28. does avpd affect your appearance? for example, do you change your hair or clothing style frequently? ah, no way. i’ve been 200% better about this recently but a few years ago, i was afraid to wear new clothes and change hairstyles.

29. what keeps you alive? everything and everyone. i love the world, a lot.

30. how open are you about having avpd? maximum security >:( unless you’re my mom. but then again, i think talking about a daily dysfunction-ing disorder twice in about five years isn’t all that much haha.

31. when starting a new relationship, when do you usually think it’s the right time to tell your partner you have avpd? i don’t know if i could start an honest and genuine relationship with someone if i didn’t let them know beforehand. but this could change.

32. do you listen to any songs that perfectly describe how you feel as a person who has avpd? not perfectly but i love first love, late spring by mitski, eartfquake by tyler, the creator, sense by tom odell, if i’m being honest by dodie, why by bazzi, cursive by billie marten, and listen before i go by billie eilish. music wise (not really lyrically) is the entire submarine ep by alex turner, only ones who know by arctic monkeys, singularity by bts, bad religion by frank ocean, and here’s an obscure one: bran-new lovesong by the pillows.

33. were you more of an innocent quiet child or a trouble maker growing up? innocent! i always followed rules.

34. are there any coping skills you want to try that you haven’t yet? coping skills are not really things apart of my routine. sounds like it would be good but i’m just trying to get to college.

35. are you currently in recovery? if so, how is that going for you? i would say yes! it’s going alright, some more lows than highs, but i’m insurmountably grateful for all of my highs.

36. what keeps you motivated? my dreams of becoming a writer/creative/academic and my personal responsibility to stay true to my identity.

37. name five qualities you like about yourself. sorry, this isn’t really a question i’m comfortable answering.

38. do you journal? if so, does it help you cope? yes! though it does help me in a stoic way, like meditation, it also helps because i’m really passionate about all forms of writing.

39. list some of your favorite avpd blogs. i have none; probably won’t ever have one.

40. how do you handle social interaction? i’m pretty good at leveled social interaction and i’ve gotten over my awkward quirky stage of adolescence (i think) lol. anything super deep is difficult for me, though. i almost never have heart to heart’s with anyone anymore.

41. are there any quotes/lyrics/etc that resonate with you? i already have a list of my favorite lyrics so here: “I leave you broken and shaking / but you still call me baby” “Please hurry leave me / I can't breathe / Please don't say you love me / 胸がはち切れそうで / One word from you and I would / Jump off of this / Ledge I'm on / Baby” “You're the sun, you've never seen the night / But you hear its song from the morning birds / Well I'm not the moon, I'm not even a star / But awake at night I'll be singing to the birds” “She said: He might just be a big story / But there's more to life than truth” “in a foreign place / the saving grace was the feeling / what it was the heart he was stealing” “some people think its supposed to hurt / like it couldnt be real / if its putting you first” “its a hail mary / i bet it all that you dont want to see me now / but ill take my shot in the dark / for you” “Don't leave, it's my fault“ concerning quotes, i have none, but aza holmes’ monologue toward the end of turtles all the way down by john green when she’s hospitalized made me sob, really cry. i’ll always remember it as when one of the first times i’ve really felt seen and completely understood. i considered ocd for a bit because of this monologue.

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