#<- i probably wont actually. brain is weird. tumblr is weird. good night i’ll be here all week

[singlethread]

you totally don’t have to do it, but every even number for the ask prompt?

You are chaotic but i have nothing better to do

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? Apple Music actually

is your room messy or clean? Clean

what color are your eyes? Blue

do you like your name? why? Yes because I like how it sounds

what is your relationship status? So fucking single

describe your personality in 3 words or less.  Loud if I know you, passionate, and caring

what color hair do you have? Dark purplish red like merlot

what kind of car do you drive? color?  A black denali envoy

where do you shop? Online right now, but normally my local thrift stores

how would you describe your style? I like mixing hard with soft, I ever tend to dress in blacks or pastels both mixed with whites. Also I will always be wearing weird dangly earrings

favorite social media account. Tumblr

what size bed do you have? Full

any siblings? 2

if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why? Just like in the forest in Norway, it just looks pretty and peaceful

favorite snapchat filter?  I don't use snap

favorite makeup brand(s).  I like Stilla’s eyeliner and also anastasia’s eyeshadow and highlighters

how many times a week do you shower?  every other day bc I’m not going anywhere, but I only wash my hair once a week

favorite tv show? I watch too much to pick, I’m currently rewatching Teen wolf so I’ll say that one

shoe size? 9.5 or 10

how tall are you?  5′11

sandals or sneakers? I like both equally, but in the summer I mostly wear sandals

do you go to the gym? no

describe your dream date. Picnic in a park where we end it stargazing

how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment? like 12 dollars

what color socks are you wearing? none

how many pillows do you sleep with? three

do you have a job? what do you do? not currently with school, I just pet sit during the school year for money

how many friends do you have?  irl probably like 12?

whats the worst thing you have ever done? gosh idk, I had a really big problem with stealing when I was little, and I was apparently good at it because when we got home from a trip to Canada when I was five my mom found like 20 things I had stolen from different gift shops skdfjkdsjfjsk

whats your favorite candle scent? Coffee anything

3 favorite boy names. (boy and girl names are a social construct so I'm just gonna do six of my favorite names) andrew, percy, oliver, anastasia, taylor, rosalina

3 favorite girl names, see above

favorite actor? I don't have one but David Tennant is good

favorite actress? Anne Hathaway

who is your celebrity crush? Halsey

favorite movie? my fave comfort movie is the princess diaries 2

do you read a lot? whats your favorite book? yes, but I haven't had the time lately, and the martian by andy weir

money or brains?  brains

do you have a nickname? what is it? Lia or Emmie are my most used

how many times have you been to the hospital? uhhhhh at least 7?

top 10 favorite songs.  Im doing taylor songs: peace, daylight, idsb, komh, safe and sound, treacherous, I know places, haunted, my tears ricochet, and the lakes

do you take any medications daily? Wal-phed

what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc) dryyyy

what is your biggest fear? I wont have mattered to anyone

how many kids do you want? 3

whats your go to hair style?  down with my natural curls

what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc), like a 1500sq ft home with a wrap-around porch

who is your role model? My college advisor

what was the last compliment you received?  “your ass looks great in those pants” from my best friend

what was the last text you sent? “yessss”

how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real? like 8

what is your dream car? honestly l love the car I have

opinion on smoking? cigarette: no, weed: I would if it was legal

do you go to college?  yes

what is your dream job? Small animal vet

would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? Rural

do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? no

do you have freckles? a million

do you smile for pictures? yes

how many pictures do you have on your phone? 15,230

have you ever peed in the woods? yes

do you still watch cartoons? yes

do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds? Wendys

Favorite dipping sauce? Ranch

what do you wear to bed? shirt or nothing

have you ever won a spelling bee? no

what are your hobbies? painting, playing video games, reading, and doing puzzles

can you draw? yes

do you play an instrument? yes, 2 mediocrely and cello really well 

what was the last concert you saw? the 1975 on dec 13th

tea or coffee? coffee

Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts? Starbucks

do you want to get married? Yes

what is your crush’s first and last initial? J.D.

are you going to change your last name when you get married? yes

what color looks best on you? I like blues on me

do you miss anyone right now? yes

do you sleep with your door open or closed? open bc cat

do you believe in ghosts? yes

what is your biggest pet peeve? toothpaste dried up in the sink

last person you called` my mom

favorite ice cream flavor? coffee or chocolate chip cookie dough

regular oreos or golden oreos? i hate oreos

chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? chocolate

what shirt are you wearing? dbatc shirt

what is your phone background? A painting I did of Taylor

are you outgoing or shy? shy

do you like it when people play with your hair? only if I really like that person

do you like your neighbors? no

do you wash your face? at night? in the morning? yes and in the morning

have you ever been high? no

have you ever been drunk? yes

last thing you ate? grilled cheese

favorite lyrics right now I want auroras and sad prose, I want to watch wisteria grow right over my bare feet, 'Cause I haven't moved in years, And I want you right here

summer or winter? Summer

day or night? night

dark, milk, or white chocolate? dark

favorite month? May

what is your zodiac sign aquarius

who was the last person you cried in front of? my mom

[princess-of-embarrassment]

Some 3 am realizations about life, relationships and maybe more?? idk whatever have fun.

Ok before i start on this shit I am going to say it is 3 am and i am just dumping some thoughts like i usually do. Sorry for the shit grammar, disorganized thoughts and all that jazz... In a sense i feel like this is a letter to myself and what i have been trying so damn hard to understand so yeah i am talking to myself and to this website. I think. Idk. i will probably delete this in the morning when i am back on bad bitch mode and go back to posting memes pero por ahora vamos a ver como nos va. Mayb ei will leave it up bc i forget or because i dont care who sees it. sorry for the shitshow of a post you are about to read but you probably already kinda know me so yay! I debated posting this shit because the internet is a wildin place but oh well!!1!!11

ok tumblr it is 3 in the morning and i have 100% regressed into being a 15 years old on this damn website shitposting and reblogging some corny ass posts but it feels right, so here i am attempting to process it through the only form i know how to actually know how to cope with things. I mean memes are cool and all but lets be real, they don’t address the problems. this is the one place i can brain dump all of my thoughts and not really care about where they go because they will eventually disappear in the tumblr algorithm.

My old blog was often the only separation I had between my reality and the life i really wished i had, but now I have that life that I always wanted so why the hell am i back at square one? To be fair, the life that i have right now may not be envied by many but its a pretty darn good life to me. Im safe 99.9% of the time. The other .1% is a story for another day. I have been trying to figure out for months as to why i’m back to being so active on here and now that it’s 3:00am I realize it’s because of self isolation (thanks corona!). 

Let me start off by saying this; my reality is not something I am going to be able to escape. Ever. It has brought me to where i am today, allowed me to meet some really incredible people and i am so so grateful. I have learned so much in the past few years. i am grateful what happened happened. Wild, i know. I escaped it physically but i cannot escape it mentally, at least for now. School, work, writing, dealing with my freshmen’s problems was what kept my brain occupied and away from having to face the part of my life that I really just want to forget. To be fait my trauma response has taken pretty good care of fucking up my memory and all of those fun things but ironically the things i want to forget about so badly are the things i think about every single day without skipping a beat. brains are weird like that.

I am ok now but sometimes i forget and fall back into my new reality. That is ok. People that know my story ask me why i don’t write about it on a public platform because it’s inspiring?? or hopeful?? or whatever cliche people want to use when addressing a topic that makes them uncomfortable and they want to feel better about the life they live. 21 year old latina girl faces adversity and lives the american dream (barely)..i mean, i did run a whole ass magazine and wrote a piece for graduation including some details of my story but that was like the rated g version with only the little sad parts that people are able to handle without feeling like their comfort zone is being violated. MEdia is a wonderful place isnt it???  so i get where they are coming from, but what they dont understand is that an international platform is not where i can share any of these thoughts... Listen, I know this is cryptic and confusing and you are probably really curious about what the hell happened to me but i don’t feel safe to type it out on international platforms with public access. I don’t know if i ever will... Yeah i can talk to people i trust about it because i am in control of the space and the situation and who is obtaining that information but you never really know with the internet. 

maybe in the future i’ll write a book on it. even then i will probably use my alias make it a YA fiction with an added love story that ends in a happy ending. Maybe one day one of the school girl crushes I have will turn into that YA story and i dont have to make any of it up.

If i am honest...this blog is the only safe place i will probably ever have where he wont find me. He can find my school and my address and phone number and work and everything in between because that is just the way things work. Yeah yeah i get it stop posting shit on social media that is how he finds you whatever. What people dont understand is that I cant stop living my life again. I already started so i cant go back to giving him that power. It makes no sense. Also, his family is too confused by all of the ups and downs of the last year that they dont really know where i am going or what i am doing. So anyways, long story short - That’s why i am back on here, because it has become the same written safe haven I had when i was 15 and tried to escape my physical reality. Only difference is that i am trying to manage the mental reality of it all...

I also have so many questions about what to do next. Like i mentioned in another post, i didnt think i would make it to 21 but i did. I didnt think this far ahead so i guess i will just figure it out along the way but hear me out. How do i face a new reality that no one can relate to. At least not the people around me. How do i make friends and know when the “right time” is to tell them hey btw if this happens lmk lol. Even more importantly (because it relates to my future as world famous YA novelist.. lol sure grace...) How do I even date someone??? many questions are tied to that. like... I know theyre going to ask. “what happened?” “who is it?” “how can i help?” “Isnt there something we can do?”. i am more than willing to answer these questions because fuck, if im dating someone i would be curious too.. but do i even answer those questions. How do i know they are ready to handle that kind of information? how can i guarantee theyre not going to leave. How can i know that they arent going to be frightened by what has happened. how do i know they are not going to think differently of me. How do i explain to this person “yeah i have stress nightmares about what happened and when i wake up i think i am back in that situation and not where i live and i have to remind myself i am in a whole different area code but then its fine lol so if we share a bed at any point in time dont be alarmed if i wake up in a panic.” or how do i explain to them when something triggers me and all i can do is freeze because maybe it is him. Maybe he finally found me. but then i am back to reality and move on with my day because that is the only thing left to do. I cant throw myself a shitty pity party thats generic as fuck and i dont have time for it but whatever. moving on. next question. How do i know theyre not gonna walk away because they have the misconception so many people have?? Just because i went through some shit doesnt mean i am unstable or unloveable or whatever bs people think. This isnt going to go away. This shit is a aprt of me but it doesn not define me. it is not who i am.I dont have the option to make it go away but people have the option to pick up their things and go. seems unfair to me sometimes. It seems unfair to generalize people like that. I am always open to a new relationship but people expect me to be sitting at home scared to go out into the world and live my life. I have a life to live and i am so ready to explore it by myself or with someone by my side but quarantine has brought me back on here to deal with the fact that i am back to being stuck inside. Mentally and physically. One sucks less than the other. 

I have so many other questions but i am feeling tired again and its almost 4am so maybe i should go to bed. Y’all dont know how happy i am to have this trash site to vent to in the middle of the night. theres some relly judgy people on here but at least i know my feed wont judge me or try to fix what has happened. it will just listen.

Anyways, i doubt anyone will read this because this post got long as fuck but if you did i give you a high five and a virtual hug for getting through the clusterfuck of sentences. Thanks tumblr. If i ever go viral again on this shitshow of a website i may have to bring back my studyblr and go underground lmfao jk maybe. I cant wait to hug my friends and the people i have met that have become a part of my daily routine (yes even during social isolation, get off my ass I am still socially isolating). All i can do for now is wait for someone who cares about me for me and isn’t scared of my past or the pieces of it that linger in my present. I deserve nothing less. if they cant do that they are not worth my time and i hope they drop their keys every single time they go to open their front door. oh... they also better be ready for the hours i spend typing away my thoughts on my computer. Maybe one day they will be allowed to read them too... lol maybe not. whatever who knows. Peace out kiddos stay healthy xoxo.

[c-rankin93]

SHE'S NO YOU - Ch.9

A/N: I actually finished this sooner then I thought I would have and is half way through the next one.. so I thought I'd post it. I hope you enjoy my little twist. These next few chapters will be shorter because I won't be merging the chapters anymore. I only did that so you could find out quicker about the Rae and Finn divorce reasons. But this is where the story gets... heated? And like all my tumblr work, it's not edited :) -- CHAPTER NINE: WHAT DO WE DO NOW? -- RAE POV: I broke away from the kiss reluctantly. I still didn't feel good about doing this behind Gregory's back. "Finn, we have to stop. I'm still with Greg" I didn't want to detach, but I couldn't bare the thought of hurting someone like Greg. "Who cares about him. You know I didn't cheat on you... You can come back to me, we- we can be a family again". If only it was that simple. I had been with Greg almost a year, and in that time he has help me with my children, spoilt me, and done nothing but treat me with dignity. I didn't ask him to do it, he just did. As much as I still loved Finn, I also had a place in my heart for Gregory. I respected him as a man, and he deserved more then this. "Finn, it's not that simple" I sighed. I knew this was going to be difficult to explain. "Then tell me why is what were doing wrong? We were together 12 years Rae" Finn stood confused. I didn't blame him, I too didn't have a clue what clog was turning in which direction. My brain was a mess. "Almost two years ago he walked into my office. He was late for our meeting by 12 minutes and looked disheveled. I, of course berated him about his tardiness the moment I saw him, but he didn't seem to care. You see, the night before our meeting he got nervous. So nervous he decided it would be a good idea to drink his body weight in vodka to calm himself. He woke up late, with a massive hangover, and by the time he reached the office he forgot the excuse he used to be able to see me..." Finn just stood still, intently listening to my story. He didn't give away any emotion. I pressed on, desperate to finish. "A week before I had met him at Izzy's bakery. I was a mess, our divorce was just finalised, but he didn't seem to care. So, we had talked a little whilst I was waiting for Izzy to finish her shift. We had parted ways with only a first name and an occupation known about each other. Out of the thousands of people in New York City he found me. It was the first time I had laughed since leaving you when he told me that story. I cancelled the rest of my day and he took me to lunch as friends. After he got cleaned up. So you can understand why I can't just break his heart. We were good friends for a year before it progressed. I know what it feels like to get hurt, and I can't do that to him". He probably won't understand what I'm trying to say, but he will have to except it. I need to think about what I'm doing, and what I'm risking. Greg and I had a weird kind of relationship, but I can't deny the man knows how to adore someone. "Do you want to be with him?" Finn croaked the words that I didn't want to hear. "I don't know what I want to do, but I don't want to hurt anyone" I admitted truthfully. "Your hurting me, right now. You're killing me". "I'm not trying to hurt you Finn. Believe me that's the last thing I want to do. But until I figure out what's going on in my head, we can't do this". I pointed to our close proximity. He looked devastated. I thought he would be mad, maybe yell and scream at me but he didn't. Instead he smiled softly. It was barely there, but it told me he understood what I was saying. "I can't say that I agree with your decision, but I'll respect it. I will do everything in my power to make this right Rae. Everyone that did you wrong will pay I promise you that, and you wont be able to stop me". And I didn't want too. I could care less about the repercussions those people will be going through. Knowing Finn it won't be pretty. "I understand and I won't ask questions" I smiled. I'm glad that we have come to an agreement. We are parents first, then we sort out everything else. "What's the time?" He suddenly asked. I looked at the clock on the wall to see that it was 7pm. The kids where meant to be home now. "Shit Finn it's already 7pm". "Crap! Atchie said that he was going to bring the kidsc around if I was not back by 6.30, but I don't even think I gave him your address". Finn pulled out his phone, and cussed under his breath whilst he rebooted it. The phone went crazy with messages. One after the other, they started flowing in. I was started to panic. I hoped everything was alright. "Its alright most of them are from Patricia. She's basically having a one sided conversation with herself" he sneared putting his phone to his ear. "Hey! I'm so sorry I forgot I turned my phone off before coming here. Are Ruby and Joshua alright?" He smiled a little and turned to face me. Finn help up a finger, telling me he'll be a minute. "Yup, ha! Well tell him I said no, the game is way to violent for him. Ben shouldn't even be playing that shit in front of him the dick... Haha very funny... Ohkay I'll let her know and get her to call you... tell them we love them and that I'll see them soon... Ohkay, see you tomorrow" I listened to Finn phone conversation slightly confused. "They're at Archie's house, Ben is currently playing C.O.D in front of our naive son- who now wants the game. They have a set of uniforms each and are happy to have them overnight and take them to school. But if you don't want them to stay Ben is happy to drop them off tonight". I panicked slightly. Joshua and Ruby were a nightmare in the morning and I didn't know if Archie and Ben could handle them, plus Sophie. I guess my eyes said a thousand words because Finn rested his hand on my shoulder, his thumb rubbing small circles. "They will be Ohkay Amelia" The words were simple but I believed them. Even though I didn't like them out on a school night, I nodded. I had to let them loose sometimes, experience their crazy families. They can't always be coddled by me. "Ohkay. They can stay, just make sure Sophie doesn't take to long having a shower. She tends to think she's the headlining act at Madison Square Garden when showering, so she gets a bit side tracked". Finn's eyes sparkled in delight before the roaring sound of his laughter filled the air. It was contagious, I couldn't help but join mimicking one of Ruby's favourite moves. "Yes I know, I stood at the bathroom door the other week listening to her do an acapella version of One Direction. I banged on the door for 10 minutes" Finn laughed trying to catch his breath. Our children were characters. But I wouldn't have it any other way. "So what are you going to do tonight?" Finn asked suddenly. He seemed to have recovered fast from his laughing fit. "Uh- I don't really know. I'm thinking about calling in sick tomorrow if I'm honest. I'm pretty intent of having a movie marathon or something tonight" I walked over to my phone on the kitchen counter. The battery had died, so I quickly put it on the charger and sent Chloe a quick text. I may have extended the truth a bit, but in the 3 years not once have I taken a day off. I worked my ass off, and Chloe knew that better then anyone else. So why not live a little. I mean, I just found out that I divorced my husband for no reason. Pitty party for one coming right up. "Can i join you tonight?" What? Was he seriously asking to stay here.. With me? "Finn.. That doesn't sound like a good idea" I sighed. I was scared we would cross those boundaries again. I had already cheated on Greg once before, maybe even more if you counted the kisses Finn and I had shared. I felt guilty enough as it was, imagine the devastation he would feel to see us alone- naked. "Just hear me out Rae. I promise I won't kiss you, touch you- anything. I will just be your friend. I really don't want to go home to the women that destroyed everything I've ever cared about. If I see her now I'll be sent to jail". His eyes pleaded for me to understand, and I did. I wouldn't want to see Olivia right now. She was out of her mind if she though her stupid secret would be hidden forever. She didn't even try to hide her tracks. Everything pointed to her. "Ohkay! But you can sleep in Josh's room or on the couch and do not steal all my popcorn! It's bad enough I usually have the kids eating it all, I don't need you to do it as well". I was glad that we were finally something more then enemies. I didn't exactly know what to call us, but we were talking so that was a start. Where will it go from here? I didn't know. I know that I first had to work out if I truly wanted to stay with Gregory. Whether it was Greg or Finn, Someone was getting hurt and for my sake I hope it wasn't me. "Deal. But I get to choose what movie we watch first.." "Deal". - UNKNOWN POV: The temptation to bite the apple was too strong and the sweet aftertaste only made me stay. The feeling and emotions I experienced that night were overpowering. It triggered a memory so sweet I couldn't stop, even if I tried. Beleive me i tried, my inner self failed to pull my body back, away from the deceit, it was impossible. I couldn't think or feel anything past that moment right there. I felt love. The way we ravished each other, tearing each other apart in the process. It didn't matter that there was alcohol flowing in our systems, it didn't waver our judgement at that time. We wanted each other, on that bed until the sun shone brightly in the sky Sunday morning. Naked, sweaty and absolutely exhausted. And we did just that, but instead we followed through to late afternoon. The moment we separated for showers the guilt kicked in. Me, of course first. It didn't matter how many times I scrubbed my body, I just didn't feel clean. I cheated on the one I loved, the one I feel madly in love with. I fucked up. The repercussions were going to be lethal, my world will fall apart. For one night- that as much as I feel guilty about don't regret. That night was something I would never be able to forget. It felt different to the previous times we had cuddled under the sheets. It was more mature. Maybe because we were. Little did I know that the repercussions for that night would shake my foundations more then i could of ever imagined. People's lives were about to change, starting with me. --- So who do you think the unknown pov was by? --- If you want to be tagged please let me know :) @lily-pop-2 @mmfdfanfic @milllott @hey1tskat1e @l88cym @i-dream-of-emus @arathewallflower @milymargot @tinakegg @eveerez @lurkernolonger @luly310

[profoundlygrandstranger-blog]

First Post 3:43 AM

So right now I just finished setting up a new Tumblr because my old one just didn’t work for me anymore.  It’s been quite a while since I’ve been on here and I’m not that person anymore.  I’m still interested in the same things but I just needed a blank page.  Being 23 you have to grow.  Isn’t there a quote out there about adapting?  Well, you gotta do it.  If that means doing something you just cant avoid to get to where you need to be, well, so be it. So here I am, at what was my first job since moving out of my parents house, waiting to get off work and go to my second job.  I will officially be awake for 24 hours at 2 pm when I get off work today.  It wasn’t from lack of trying to sleep but, when your brain wont give you a minutes peace to just get comfortable and dose off, then this is what you get.  As I was cleaning the bathroom mirrors 15 minutes ago I caught a glimpse at my reflection, not really something I seek out much these days.  I caught myself thinking, “Holy shit.  There are just some dark circles concealer cant conceal.”.  I wont lie, I really haven’t been wearing much makeup lately.  I just cant be bothered in the morning.  I would rather have the extra 20 minutes of being unconscious and not thinking than looking polished and pressed.  I know that’s just my depression getting me but, I really don’t want to be bothered enough to care. Looking back at that last sentence really tells me where I am mentally right now.  Not great but, still not in the dark place.  I should probably go see my doctor to mess with my meds.  I used to see an actual therapist but between working three jobs and trying to keep my few friendships still intact it’s sometimes hard to find time to just sit and be by myself.  Then usually when I do find that time I realize I really don’t like being alone. Which is really sad or really unhealthy.  Jury’s out. So this is just me rambling about things that come to my mind in the middle of the night.  I got the app so I’ll post some ramblings during the day when I have a break between jobs or even at my sit down jobs.  It might get weird, it might get boring.  Shoot, I don’t know if anyone will even read this.  It just feels really good to get it out of my head. Love, V