#| so. you get six photos and four song choices and all of them f*ck. not telling you which is which bc i had to trim the tracklist down

[jenomark]

Part 2

➔Pairing: Idol!Haechan x Reader (Female) ➔Other Members/ Characters: -.- ➔Genre: Smut ➔Warnings: Public sex + Vaginal penetration + Masturbation (F+ M) + Fingering ➔Word count: 4,170

➔Summary: He’s an idol, a friend, and you took his virginity. Beginning your friends-with-benefits relationship with Haechan wasn’t the best idea, but you just can’t help yourself when it comes to him.

↞ Part 1

  They all feel how you feel when you watch him on stage, like he belongs to you. His smile just for you. Not for the camera, or the thousands viewing clips on social media, but just for you. His song performed for you, the words containing messages only you can decipher. His hips moving across the stage, the thing in his pants pointing in your direction, everything moving towards you, the girl in the crowd, the girl watching backstage, the girl sitting on her bed. No matter where you are in the world, the lights burn across your retinas, the heat in the seat of your pants making it hard for you to stay still. You move just a little bit and feel the throb below, a Venus flytrap waiting for its prey. You pretend he makes eye contact with only you, acknowledging the very existence you try to hide from everyone else. He sees you, he really does.

 The song ends and the mirage vanishes. Six people go in different directions,  smiles wiped from their faces as easily as make-up. They forget the crowd, forget what it means to be themselves when others are watching. He veers towards you just a moment before remembering where he is and who he is, and then he passes you like you’re invisible. You wonder what he was going to do if he reached you. Kissing in public is too dangerous, even talking together arouses suspicion. You wait a second and follow him, each step playing around with your heart. As you round a corner, you walk into him, your body bouncing off of his. 

“I didn’t see you,” he said.  He did.  “I’m sorry.”  He’s not. 

  His fingers are on your arm, his eyes gawking at your cleavage, his tongue licking the middle of his chin. Staff pass by and he lets you go. He steps back and leans against a wall, his body pressing against its blank canvas like a work of art. People cut between you two, but neither of you notice, or care. He smiles, raises an eyebrow, and purses his lips with the pride of a million men. 

“Come with me.” he mouths. 

  As if you have a choice, you follow him through the people, past the place you had come from. A few staff turn to see the idol boy, his greetings charming, his stage outfit sticking out like a sore thumb. No one notices the girl trailing behind him, her eyes following him with determination, her legs clamped so tightly together, even as she walks. Haechan goes down a ramp until he’s underneath the stage. You hesitate a moment before following behind him. There is something about breaking the rules that has always scared you. Since you met Haechan, you had been doing a lot of that. Though you are terrified of being recognized, no one is paying attention to you.  He hides behind large black cases on wheels, their metal clasps shiny when the strobe lights from above the stage hit them. Stacked on top of each other, no one can see what’s going on behind them. To reach him, you step over wires and broken lights that have been replaced. The moment the space swallows you up, Haechan takes your shoulders and pushes you up against the cases. He unbuttons your jeans and slides his palm in until his fingers are cupping you. The rough way he rubs his hand against you makes your knees threaten to buckle. 

“This is dangerous.” you shout.

  The sound from the music above drowns out your words. You’re afraid he can’t hear you, but then he leans in close to your ear and tells you that the danger is the best part. His tongue is on your neck for a second before his head is between your breasts. He’s greedy. His hands haven’t stopped rubbing you, your clit so sensitive and swollen that you can’t feel anything but a soft burn. When he pulls himself out from between your breasts, you can see that his make-up has worn off, and his lips are puffy from sucking and kissing your skin. The strobe lights from above the stage are peaking through the cracks, lighting up his face in brilliant hues of purple and blue.

“Hi,” Haechan says. “It’s been awhile since I last saw you.”

 He removes his hand. He doesn’t pause to tell you to taste yourself, like he normally would. Haechan’s weakness is knowing how wet he makes you, and your weakness is giving in to him every single time. He hooks his fingers on either side of your jeans and pulls them down your thighs. They’re so tight that they won’t budge past your knees without a fight. Feeling frustrated, Haechan spins you around and bends you over one of the cases. Trying to get out of his buckled stage outfit also proves difficult, but the boy is determined. His cock is in you before you look behind to see if he’s free. The feeling of him never fails to flip your whole world upside down. 

 You say his name, and you say it loudly. The music vibrates your whole body, the heavy bass perfectly timed with his every thrust. The thrill of getting caught makes you want to scream every syllable of his name, each letter like a bread crumb leading to your hiding place. You think of how the music has to stop some time, how the lights have to turn on to reveal what is bent over in the darkness, and you wonder what it will be like when it happens. 

Haechan: Are you thinking of me?

You:  You wish. 

Haechan: I’m hurt.  Ah, it’s night time back home. Are you getting ready for bed? What are you doing?

You: Not you.

Haechan: You’ve been hanging around my friends too much. Seriously, none of you are funny. 

You: Does the thought of me hanging out with your friends make you jealous?

Haechan: Yes. We both know I don’t share. I miss you. I’ve been away for too long. It feels like I’m going crazy. 

You: Donghyuck, It’s been four days. 

Haechan: That’s too long.😣 Do you miss me?

You: No. 

Haechan: I’M HURT. 

You: I have a hard time believing that. What are you doing? How was the performance?

Haechan: I think it went well. We almost dropped Mark during Cherry Bomb. Right now, I’m getting ready to eat. Taeil, Yuta and Johnny want local food. I’m really excited.

You: I hope you’re enjoying yourself. ☺️

Haechan: I am. I’ve been horny.

You: Is that all I’m good for?

  The sound of the video call made you jump out of your skin. Like always, your volume was turned all the way up. You looked at your phone and saw Haechan’s picture staring back at you. At the beginning of your relationship, he had snapped a photo of himself and set it as the wallpaper for when he calls. “Don’t show this to anyone,” he had said. “They’ll never stop making fun of me.” In the picture he was acting cute, his finger poking his cheek. The way he looked was so far removed from how you saw him most days : sexy, naked, his face screwed up in orgasm. The word Devil was still a part of his name only you had added a little red heart next to it. You stared at his face a little longer before accepting the video call. 

“What took you so long?” he asked. “I don’t have much time.”

  You could see he was sitting in a hotel bathroom, most likely on the toilet with the lid down. When he saw you looking, he held the phone up to give you a short tour of the bathroom. He showed you the tub where he said he’d like to fuck you in, the toilet he was sitting on, and the sink. You weren’t as interested in his surroundings as much as you were in seeing his face. 

“It’s nice.” you said. 

“It’s nice until Mark comes in here,” he said. “Speaking of, he went out to grab something from Jaehyun’s room, so I don’t have a lot of time before he comes back. Let me see them.”

“Them?” you asked. You were playing dumb. You knew exactly what he wanted to see.

“Ahhh,” he groaned. “Why do you do this to me?”

  In the darkness of your bedroom, you didn’t think he would be able to see you well. You lifted up your shirt, anyway, and showed him your breasts. Haechan was dramatic when you revealed them, his mouth hanging open, the sound from his throat sounding like a croak. You pulled your shirt down quickly, the disappointment showing clearly on his face.

“You can see more of them when you get back.” you told him.

“Six days,” he said. “I can wait six more days.”

  It was the first time you were separated for more than three days. It had been almost two months since you started fooling around, but he came to your apartment nearly every day to spend time with you. Haechan being a staple in your life made it harder for you when he was absent. 

  During your short period of being together, you had grown too comfortable with him. You had exerted your time, patience and body far beyond what you thought it was capable of. There were days when your emotions completely took over, your happiness cradled in the palm of his hands. You were disappointed when you couldn’t see him, his fist closing tightly around any motivation you had for anything. In the physical aspect, there were days when your muscle aches were so bad after you finished fucking that you had to use muscle relaxing patches to get through your next work day. Fucking three times a night-sometimes four- was just as time consuming as it seemed. You were losing sleep, losing interest in doing anything but thinking of new ways to make him come.

  You liked to wonder how it was from Haechan’s point of view. You didn’t know how he survived juggling his schedules, priorities, and you, all at the same time. He should have collapsed from exhaustion, or at least aroused suspicion from his members and the staff. 

  Even through all of the risks on both sides, neither of you wanted to stop when the reward felt so good. Stopping was never an option, not for you, or him. You were as addicted to him as he was to you, and you could not get enough of your drug. After you made him come, you wanted to get back on top of him, riding him until your pussy was raw, until your thighs hurt from being spread apart for so long. You didn’t know when each of you started wanting to break the other, but the obsession was seeping into every part of your life.

“Let me see your cock.” you said.

 “What?” he asked. “My cock?”

 The shyness in his voice made you smile. You tried to hide it off-camera, but he could see the way your cheeks were rising. Haechan smiled, too, his laughter directed towards the floor. In the camera, all you could see was his Balenciaga hat and the little tufts of hair curling around his ear. In between fucking, you would lay with him while he fell in and out of sleep, your fingers curling that very section of hair. In moments like that, you thought about how easy he was to love, and how hard it was to stop. He stood, turned around and placed his phone against what you thought might be the top of the sink.

“Are you sure you want to see it?” he asked. “You might not be able to control yourself.”

 Haechan lifted up his shirt and tucked the end of the fabric underneath his chin. The belt he wore around his waist barely kept his pants up. He was losing weight lately, his body being worked in every direction. He unbuckled his belt, unbuttoned his top button, brought his zipper all the way down until his briefs were revealed. When you saw his cock, it was soft. He rolled it around the tips of his fingers until it started growing to its full length. Your mouth watered at the sight of him. You sat up in bed, brought your knees to your chest and rested your phone against your thighs.

“How long do you think you have?” you asked.

“A few minutes.” he said.

 You didn’t have to tell him to touch himself. Haechan was already jerking himself off, looking down at his cock in his hands before looking into the phone camera. He turned to the side so you could have another angle of his body. Though it was probably wiser to keep quiet, Haechan did as he wanted. The moans filled the hotel bathroom, along with the sound of his palm around his cock. 

“Tell me you want me,” he said.  “Tell me you want your mouth around me.”

  You took your phone into your left hand. With your right hand, you dipped it into your pajama pants and started playing with your clit. Your eyes were on his cock, his fingers rhythmically moving to his deep sighs. There was something so torturous about seeing him and not being able to have him. You had to stop yourself from bringing the phone up to your face and trying to lick him through the screen.

“I want you,” you said. “I want my mouth around you.”

  You closed your eyes and imagined his cock sliding past your lips. You loved holding onto his hips and controlling how fast he fucked your face. You imagined what it would feel like to grab a handful of his ass as he did that. You tried to taste his imaginary cum, and how it would spill out all at once, like you had bitten into a delicious fruit and the juice was gushing into your mouth.

“Tell me…,” he began to say, his words breathless. “Tell me I’m the only one.”

“You’re the only one.”

  You were moaning with him, your voices rising in unison. Having sex via video call wasn’t what you had planned for the night, but you knew it was a vital part of your life. 

“Tell me-”

“-Tell you what? Anything. I will tell you anything.” you said.

“Tell me goodbye, Mom, I’ll talk to you later.” he said. 

  Your eyes snapped open as the video call ended. His selfie flashed for a second before disappearing. You were nearing climax, but the confusion made you stop touching yourself. You took your hands away from your pussy and read the text coming through.

Haechan: Fuck. Sorry. Mark. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. 

  You dropped your phone beside you and sunk back into your sheets, your pussy full of nothing but regret.

“Are you crazy?” you asked. “You shouldn’t be here.

“I wanted to see you.”

  He stood in front of your apartment at midnight, his hat low over his eyes, a face mask over his mouth. The way he looked reminded you so much of the night you realized you wanted him in very compromising positions. You had grabbed the first jacket from your entryway, which just so happened to be one of his that he left. You hugged it tightly around your body, the smell of him wafting into your nostrils.

“Just see me?” you asked.

He laughed. “Yes. Now that I’ve seen you, I can go.”

“You and I both know that you can never just go.”

“Perhaps I am crazy,” he said. “But I am also tired. Jet lag. I should be resting.”

“Don’t let me stop you then.” 

  You stood with a lot of distance between you. The way you were feeling as you looked at him felt foreign to you. Normally, you would barely talk before you stumbled into your apartment, tearing off each others clothes, pushing things onto the floor to fuck on the hallway table. With your whole relationship about the benefits rather than the friendship, it was easier to direct. You didn’t know how to handle moments when you were both forced to act like two non-feral people.

  You felt like you wanted to tell him everything you’d went through since he’d been gone. You wanted to grab a bite to eat where no one knew his name, sitting cross-legged on the floor, and watching him eat his fill. Wanting those things made you unsure about how you truly felt.

“Do you want to go for a walk?” he asked. “This is a one-time offer.”

“Okay.” you answered.

  You shut and locked the door to your apartment. When you turned back to him, his arm was extended. You looked down at his hand. Those hands had been all over your body. Sometimes you watched those hands touching other people and wondered what they would think if they knew they had been inside of you.

 Losing his nerve, Haechan pulled it back before you could take it. Without saying anything, you moved beside him and took his hand back. If he wanted to hold hands, you would give him what he wanted. You both walked half a block before you spoke.

“How was travelling?” you asked.

“Fun, “ he said. “I feel lucky. I’m so grateful for the opportunities. I like it. How was your time while I was gone?”

 You didn’t know how to answer truthfully so you just agreed that your time was equally as fun. Work days blended together when you had nothing to look forward to. You didn’t like to admit that you weren’t sure what day it was, or that so much of your life revolved around him. Luckily, he didn’t press you any further. It’s not that Haechan didn’t care what you were feeling inside, just that his outlook on life stayed blissfully positive, and you didn’t want to be the one to take that away from him.

“The clubs are still open,” Haechan pointed out. “I could use a drink right now.”

 You knew that holding hands in public was the worst thing you could do that wasn’t behind closed doors. You never knew who could be watching, their phones clicking away like the ringing of a cash register. The people stumbling out of the clubs could be people you worked for, or worked with. All it took was for one person to recognize Haechan and the fun would be over. You thought about letting go of his hand, but you didn’t want to. He sensed your fear and directed you away from the crowds exiting the club. 

“It will be okay,” he said. “As long as you’re with me, nothing will happen.” 

 You walked a few blocks before turning back to your apartment. The walking was aimless. After the club, you only came across a few people grabbing late night snacks at a convenience store. In the world the night had created, you both began to act more boldly. Haechan’s laugh was loud, his happiness contagious for people who passed you by. He brought you to him for back hugs, his arms squeezed tightly around you, his chin digging into your shoulder. Halfway back to your place, he got a message on his phone that stopped both of you in your tracks. You watched his face falter, his eyebrows furrowed together. 

“Is everything okay?” he asked.

“It will be okay,” he said, repeating his line from earlier. “Don’t worry about me. Let’s just be here together.”

 You walked the rest of the way in a weird silence. You kept looking over at him to figure out was wrong. Worst case scenario: everyone found out about what you two were doing. Best case scenario? You didn’t know, but you were hoping to find out one day.

“This is where I leave you, my princess.” he said. 

 You stood in front of your door. Hearing him call you his Princess made you want to giggle. In the beginning of your relationship, it was Haechan who reacted in such a way. Taking his virginity made him a little dependent on you. He often giggled when you suggested new positions, or told him how pretty you thought he was. Now that you were far into knowing each other in the most intimate ways, it was you who couldn’t stop becoming so giddy every time he opened his mouth. He could see his affect very well. You wore it hugged closely around your body, just like his jacket.

“Be careful walking home.” you said.

  Haechan took a step forward. His figure was sexy, his eyes mentally undressing you. You thought that he might stay a little longer and fuck you on your apartment steps. Instead, he kissed you, his lips petal soft. As he pulled away, you could barely open your eyes to look at him. He backed away from you, his trademark smirk faltering just a little.

  He stopped to look at you after making every move. For anyone else, you would have faked your enjoyment, but for Haechan, everything was honest. If he touched you, your body quaked in response. You couldn’t stop your eyelids from fluttering, your body from moving up the bed to get away from his persistence. If he made you feel good, you let him know with your shortness of breath, your knuckles clenched around the sheets.

“You make the funniest faces when you orgasm.” he observed.

  You resisted the urge to take the pillow from underneath your head and whack him with it. Haechan sat between your legs, your knees hooked over his thighs. Often, you sat like this when you both felt too lazy for much else. He would play with your pussy for what felt like hours, his fingers pushing into you to see how many you could take. He would trace your labia with his fingertips, draw love hearts on your clit. He loved the way you looked when you were wide open for him, loved you shaved and unshaven. 

“It’s a compliment,” he said when he sensed your hostility. “I love everything about you, especially how ugly you look when you’re on top .”

  You clamped your legs shut, trapping his arm. He laughed gleefully, pushing your legs back open before climbing up your body. He laid across you, his full body weight crushing yours. 

“You’re heavy.” you said.

  Haechan flopped his body around, like a fish, until you felt his weight even more. You wheezed dramatically. The way you both joked around always made your day better. Laughing with him eased a lot of stress from your daily life. You used your hands to squeeze his cheeks. When he made a fishy face, you kissed his lips. 

“I could stay like this all day.” you said.

“Not me,” he said. “I don’t want you lying on your back the whole time.”

 You rolled your eyes, and he jokingly got offended. You pulled his neck down so that you could kiss him again. You made out like that, your naked bodies on top of each other, for awhile. The concept of time didn’t matter when you were together. There were times when you were thankful that all you did was have sex with each other. There was no fighting, no expectations, and nothing that could be torn apart if it wasn’t together to begin with. When your phone lit up, both of you pulled away.

“Who is it?” he asked.

“How am I supposed to know?”

  Haechan took one look at your phone lit up on your night stand and pushed it off. It clattered onto the floor, your protective case splitting in two. You started to get up to check on it, but he pushed you back down. He got onto his knees and pushed your legs up so that your ass was lifted off the bed. His distraction tactics were good, you had to give him that.

“I’ll buy you a new phone.” he said. 

 Haechan took your hands and interlocked his fingers with yours. When he entered you, your mind forgot the phone altogether. The way he moved wasn’t his normal fast pace. Haechan liked to fuck you hard, each orgasm strong and earth shattering. Passionate was not a word you often used to describe what you and him did in the bedroom. As he moved inside of you, he lowered his body down over yours until he was hugging you. He kissed you as deeply as he was thrusting.

10:02 a.m.

Haechan: You’re not answering your phone

10:03 a.m.

Haechan: Call me back

10:46 a.m.

Haechan: I’m sorry I left so many voicemails I don’t know what to do 

11:00 a.m.

Haechan: Pick up your phone

11:16 a.m.

Haechan: Johnny knows. He’s on his way to your apartment. Don’t tell him anything.

[elceeu2morrow]

By Guy Kelly 17 JANUARY 2020 • 8:00PM

He became a bona-fide teen pop superstar as part of One Direction, then suffered unthinkable personal loss. Louis Tomlinson talks to Guy Kelly about fame, family and what comes next.

Louis Tomlinson took part in an online video recently, in which he was tasked with answering the internet’s most-searched questions about him. It was fairly tame, as you might expect of a pop quiz thrown at a pop star. ‘How do you pronounce Louis Tomlinson?’ the first read. There’s an interesting answer to that, actually, but we’ll come to it. ‘How old is Louis Tomlinson?’ was the second. He’s 28. And then came the third. ‘How is Louis Tomlinson?’

In the video, the man himself looks a little bewildered, dismissing the query as ‘random’ before moving on. But underneath, in the YouTube comments – one of the few nooks of the internet where love and goodwill still thrives – a fan repeated it. ‘“How is Louis Tomlinson,”’ they wrote, ‘the only question that matters.’ More than 7,000 people ‘liked’ it.

Given all Tomlinson’s been through in the past four years, it seems reasonable to ask. In 2016, the band he’d been in man and boy, One Direction, went on an indefinite hiatus after six years. Since being welded together by Simon Cowell on The X Factor in 2010, ‘1D’ had enjoyed perhaps the most stratospheric rise in music (five platinum albums, four world tours) since The Beatles. It hadn’t been Tomlinson’s decision to break up the band, and he wasn’t – still isn’t – particularly happy about it.

[complete article below the cut]

In December of that year, his beloved mother, Johannah Deakin, died a few months after being diagnosed with leukaemia. She was 43. Tomlinson pressed on with his nascent solo career, but unimaginable tragedy struck again. In March 2019, his 18-year-old half-sister, Félicité, was found unconscious at her flat in London and couldn’t be revived. An inquest later found she had died of an accidental drug overdose. Again, he buckled down, looked after his remaining siblings, and committed himself to finishing his debut album.

Settling down with Tomlinson in the corner of a west London photo studio, then, it seems as good a place as any to start: how is he?

‘I’m good, mate, I’m feeling good,’ he says, spreading his arms across a sofa. After wearing a series of high-end outfits for our photo shoot (‘I never feel super-comfortable on shoots; I’ve got one f—king pose – moody’), he’s in a black ’90s-inspired collared jumper, black trousers and black trainers.

He pushes his fringe to one side. The Doncaster accent, which softened in his 1D days, is back to pure, unfettered South Yorks. It’s all ‘in t’band’, ‘I didn’t know owt’, and swearing like a navvy. He’s honest, funny, and if his feet were planted any more firmly on the ground he’d be unable to walk.

I tell him about the YouTube comment, which seems to reflect the genuine care his fans have for him.

‘Ah, yeah I know, they’re considerate, they are. We’ve got a special, interesting bond. They’ve grown up with me – and I’ve been through some personal stuff and they’ve always been there for me.’

Tomlinson’s album, Walls, has been a long time coming. Immediately after One Direction split, he released a couple of singles – dance-y pop collaborations – which were fine, but not what he wanted to make. Halfway through writing Walls he realised, ‘If I’m chasing radio with every song I write, I’m not going to be doing this job for very long.’

So he relaxed, and the result is a mix of strong, melody-driven pop of the kind One Direction mastered, and what Tomlinson is really into, namely guitar-driven indie and Britpop. Some songs for the fans; some nodding to the future.

‘It’s a five-album plan. There’s bits where I’ve been almost selfish, and bits where I’ve been respectful to the fan base and what they love listening to,’ he says. ‘Then the next will be a step closer to the stuff I want to make. But I’ve got to earn my stripes.’

The dominant theme, I say, appears to be resilience. On the single Don’t Let It Break Your Heart, he advises, ‘Even when it hurts like hell / Oh, whatever tears you apart / Don’t let it break your heart.’ On the rousing title track (which features a writing credit for Noel Gallagher, who gave his blessing for a chorus strikingly similar to an Oasis tune), he sings, ‘These high walls that broke my soul / I watched all come falling down.’

It could be to do with grief, professional struggles, or his relationship – he’s happily with his girlfriend, 27-year-old fashion blogger Eleanor Calder, but they’ve been on and off over the years. He nods.

‘Yeah, I write very autobiographically and had so much going on in my head, but in the struggle I’m trying to paint the message that you’re always left with a choice: to see the glass half-full or half-empty. It’s showing there’s hope.’

Some songwriters have found grief productive, others paralysing. Tomlinson was the former. One track on Walls is the previously released Two of Us, a beautiful, simple song written about his mum (‘You’ll never know how much I miss you / The day that they took you, I wish it was me instead’).

‘What’s amazing about this job is that regardless of the situation, you get something positive at the end of it. That’s obviously an emotionally heavy song for me, but fans have come up to me in floods of tears and talked about how it’s helped in their own tragedy. It’s incredible. From the dark, you can give hope.’

For the first three years of his life, Tomlinson was raised alone by Johannah, who split from his father, Troy Austin, when he was a baby. They lived above a launderette in Doncaster, where his mother worked multiple jobs, principally as a midwife, before she married Mark Tomlinson, a van salesman who became Louis’s stepfather. The three moved into a two-up, two-down, which was soon filled with half-sisters: Lottie, now 21, Félicité, then twins Daisy and Phoebe, now 16.

‘It was mad. They’re manic, young girls…’ he says. ‘Mum and Mark had a decent income but they couldn’t spread it around [a family of] seven. At times things were really good, you’d get 20 quid in a birthday card, but others were really difficult. I remember the electricity meter – you’d get five quid on the house as an emergency when you couldn’t top it up. Sometimes it’d be a gamble when it’d run out…’

Tomlinson wasn’t particularly academic – ‘though I’m not daft or owt’ – but loved school. There, he joined a band at 16 and found he was OK at singing, so he applied to audition for The X Factor. He failed, twice, but succeeded on the third try, in 2010, performing a fairly terrible (he admits it) version of Plain White T’s Hey There Delilah.

A few months later, at the ‘bootcamp’ stage, Cowell had the idea of creating a band comprised of Tomlinson and four other solo boys: Harry Styles, Zayn Malik, Niall Horan and Liam Payne. They were to be called One Direction. Tomlinson, who’d been intimidated by the standard of other vocalists in the competition, ‘bit their hand off’ at the offer. ‘I was like, “This is my ticket.”’

The show came just after his second run at the first year of his A levels. He’d failed the first time, with UUE in psychology, PE and English, which his mum had ‘absolutely ripped [his] head off’ for. The second time he’d gone one better, UEE. So he lied, telling her he got a smattering of Ds, and came up with a plan.

‘I waited until after the X Factor final, when we were all sat around drinking champagne, and told her, “By the way, I bulls—tted you on those results. I failed again, but hopefully we’ll be all right now…”’ he laughs. ‘She was fine. I picked my moment well.’

One Direction came third in the final, losing to runner-up Rebecca Ferguson and winner Matt Cardle, a former painter-decorator who now performs in the West End. But it was always felt that the group would go furthest, not least because Cowell was such a supporter (all the other boys have now left his record label, Syco, but because ‘loyalty is the biggest thing’ for Tomlinson, he’s stayed).

Eighteen when the group started, Tomlinson was the oldest member (the others were 16 and 17), ‘just allowed to drink, just allowed to drive’, but suddenly everything in his life was controlled.

‘You’re ready to be reckless and stupid, but then I was in the band and couldn’t ever act like that, especially not publicly,’ he says. They went on their first headline concert tour in 2011, and soon had fans surrounding their hotels overnight, wherever in the world they went. Naturally, they embraced partying.

‘There was a good 18 months where I was going out all the time. The press love to write about that as if it’s this chaotic thing, and at times it was, but it’s also an escape. Once you have a couple of drinks down you in a club, you’re just someone in the club, part of everyone else, and not everyone is looking at you.’

Even when he was away, he kept in contact with his mum by phone – or in person, when she could join him – as much as possible. The two were impossibly close: she had access to his emails; he told her when he lost his virginity; she knew about his finances.

‘One thing I’ve learnt since losing her is that any decision, even if I knew the answer, I’d call her,’ he says. ‘I didn’t realise how reliant I’d become on her. That was the hardest thing for me, understanding that living life after meant making decisions on my own. I thought I’d always have a sounding board. There was a different level of credibility with my mum, because I idolised her.’

Styles has recently joked that One Direction were ‘grown in test tubes’ by Cowell, but Tomlinson insists that part of their appeal lay in the fact that they all had their own personalities and talents, which weren’t forced on them. Still, it took him years to know where he fitted. Styles was cool, a heart-throb. Malik was moody and mysterious. Horan was cute and Irish. Payne was whatever Payne was. But Tomlinson wasn’t sure.

‘You’ve got to be dead cocky in Doncaster to survive – it’s either that or be picked on. So I used to walk around with a chip on my shoulder. But I’d always been the funny guy, centre of attention, so I never struggled to make mates,’ he says. ‘It was weird suddenly being in a situation where one or two members are constantly in a better position. It took me a while to understand my strengths. I was the oldest and it wasn’t until the third album when I made it my mission to write the most.’

He succeeded: Tomlinson’s writing credit appears on 39 of the 96 songs One Direction recorded, four more than Payne and dozens more than the rest. But it was intense. There were times when he considered quitting the band, if only to allow him to escape the attention, but he likens that to children running away from home. ‘By the time you get halfway down the street you regret it and go back…’

‘Directioners’ were ‘fanatical’ about the boys, to a frequently absurd degree. And not every encounter was surreally funny. The year after the hiatus began, in 2017, Tomlinson and Calder were involved in a scuffle with paparazzi and fans at the airport in LA. Fists possibly flew, and Tomlinson was arrested, only for no further action to be taken. The fans now are still loyal, still ardent, but they’ve matured with him.

What kept him grounded, as the money rolled in (I have heard that each of the boys amassed a £40 million fortune from the band, and that collectively they still earn around £38,000 a week from royalties, merchandise and so on) and the fans bayed, was keeping friends from Doncaster around. When I arrived at today’s photo shoot, Tomlinson was busy doing his singular pose at one end of the room, while at the other, near the free pastries, a young redheaded bloke in a tracksuit lurked, scrolling through his phone.

He introduced himself as Oli, Tomlinson’s ‘mate from Donny’, who has spent the better part of a decade travelling the world with his pop-star friend, and seems to operate as a walking comfort blanket. They live together when Tomlinson’s in LA, where he has a three-year-old son, Freddie, from a short relationship with stylist Briana Jungwirth.

They also live together when he’s in London, along with Calder, to whom it was recently reported that Tomlinson is engaged (his representatives denied the rumour). I imagine there’s space for house guests wherever he is, though: it has been reported that he put his Hollywood Hills mansion on the market last year for $6.995 million, and the previous year valued another property in California at $13.999 million, after apparently renting it out for $40,000 per month.

‘I’m hoping to do a bit of work with Louis’s tour manager this year,’ Oli says, cheerfully. I later discover he’s so ever-present with Tomlinson that he even has his own fan accounts on social media.

‘I remember bringing a mate out for our first US tour. He called from his hotel with his mind blown by being able to pick up a phone and they’d just bring you food,’ Tomlinson says. ‘I go back to Donny and hear heavy s—t – struggles with jobs, money, family, health. That humbles me, and gives me a better emotional intelligence.’

He reckons ‘eight out of 10 people have an ulterior motive’ when they meet him. Luckily he can tell if someone’s a pre-fame friend. His name is pronounced ‘Loo-ee’, but he wasn’t keen on it as a child, so had mates, like Oli, pronounce it ‘Lewis’, which they still do. Unfortunately Cowell guessed at ‘Loo-ee’ on The X Factor, so that was that for the stage name.

By 2015, some members of One Direction felt an itch to break off – or just have a break – and try their own thing. Malik had gone in March, and while a full split seemed inevitable, Tomlinson was still caught off-guard.

‘I was f—king fuming at first. We were working really hard – people [namely, Payne] have said overworked, but we weren’t overworked, that’s just what happens when you’re a band that size, though I understand. I thought I’d mentally prepared myself for a break, but it hit me hard.’

He was finally feeling comfortable in the band, and hadn’t thought about a solo career.

‘About a week after, I sat there thinking, “Strike while the iron’s hot,” but I wasn’t ready. I was bitter and angry, I didn’t know why we couldn’t just carry on. But now, even though I don’t fully understand everyone’s individual reasons, I respect them.’

They’re ostensibly all still mates, despite going in radically different musical directions, though some are closer than others. Tomlinson seems to mention Horan with most affection, and the pair performed at the same event in Mexico in November, titillating 1D fans by sound-checking together with one of the band’s old songs.

If it was up to you, I ask, would the group still be going? He considers this for a moment.

‘It if was up to me, yeah. I’d maybe have said, “Let’s have a year off.” But yeah, probably. I’m sure there’s a better analogy out there but it’s a bit like [shutting down] Coca-Cola. You don’t say, “Right, let’s hang the boots up on that,” because it’s a massive thing.’

Afterwards he muddled around for a bit, including releasing those early singles – one of which he performed on The X Factor, rigid with grief, just days after his mum’s death. Then he returned to the show last year as a judge, alongside Cowell, Robbie Williams and Williams’s wife, Ayda Field.

Did he get on with Robbie? He smiles, arching an eyebrow. ‘Why do you ask?’ Well, he came out of a boy band, went solo…

‘Oh, yeah, he was all right. He’s a good man, we were just different from each other. Certain moments I thought, “F—king hell, Robbie, just sit down for five minutes, I’ve got something to say.” I love his missus though, Ayda, she’s sound.’

Tomlinson liked mentoring, and during our conversation it becomes clear he’s fuelled by responsibility. He was the oldest sibling in his house, and although Mark Tomlinson and Johannah’s second husband (after divorcing Mark in 2011, she married Dan Deakin in 2014; they had twins Ernest and Doris) are still around, he became a paternal figure after she died. He’s particularly involved in the lives of Daisy and Phoebe, to whom he’s ‘a kind of second parent’.

‘Without being too soppy, I like looking after people, it’s cool. At the moment I’m stressing trying to convince Daisy and Phoebe to go to sixth form. They’ve been to private school near Donny, and it’s proper expensive. I’m paying for it thinking they’re staying on, but now they don’t want to go. I told them education is important. I’m like, “You’re 16, you haven’t got a f—king idea what the real world is,”’ he says.

‘What’s difficult about those two is they’ve only known the 1D craziness. They’ve grown up in this elitist way, which is very different from my upbringing and Lottie’s, and the values my mum taught us.’

He gives a ‘kids, eh?’ sigh. ‘Consistency is the big thing. I’m trying to get better at being in their heads enough so they think, “I wonder if Louis thinks this is a good idea?”’

Lottie lives in Hackney, east London. When she was a teenager, Tomlinson got her a job assisting One Direction’s make-up artist, and within a few years she’d become a ridiculously popular Instagrammer (currently with 3.4 million followers, still 10 million shy of Louis). Her big brother told her Instagram’s fine, but she must ‘become a proper businesswoman’ in case the bubble bursts. In 2018 she launched Tanologist, a successful fake-tan brand.

‘I’m so proud of her. She’s just been in Australia, where she’s stocked in Melbourne’s version of Boots!’ Tomlinson says, beaming.

Félicité, known to the family as Fizz, was also a budding Instagrammer. After her death last March, a post-mortem revealed ‘toxic’ levels of anti-anxiety and pain medications, as well as cocaine, in her blood. Six months later, an inquest heard that she had visited her GP in August 2018 and ‘gave a history of recreational drug use… on a consistent basis since the death of her mother’. She had taken overdoses and been admitted to a rehabilitation clinic.

Tomlinson hesitates to say anything was ‘easier’, comparing the deaths of Félicité and his mum, as ‘both felt very individual, and hit me with a big impact… but I think dealing with the family, how I can be there for them, that was a lot easier the second time because the first time I was grieving and didn’t know what to say. As time went on I grew to understand what to say to my sisters.’

Prioritising the feelings of your sisters in the immediate aftermath is understandable, I say, but I wonder if anyone took care of you. He looks surprised.

‘No, but friends and family, my best mate, my girlfriend, my son… I feel their support but I get most out of doing stuff for other people. I don’t say that to sound like a good guy, it’s genuinely what gives me strength.’

Did you ever consider grief therapy?

‘Nah, a lot of people recommended it but I’m a little bit old-fashioned when it comes to therapy. I’m sure it’s incredible, but I thought I’d be all right, and I have been till now.’ One of his many tattoos consists of the words ‘It Is What It Is’ across his chest. ‘I know the things I’ve been upset about in my life are s—t, but I can’t change them, so you have to make the best of what you’ve got.’

What he’s got is an album to launch, a world tour to prep for and, immediately, a flight to catch. He and Oli are off to see Freddie. ‘When I’m working I definitely don’t see him enough,’ Tomlinson says, ‘but he looks just like me, which is cool. I’m excited to see his big smile.’

Tomlinson gives his own big smile. Our time’s nearly up, and he’d like a cigarette. After all you’ve been through, I tell him, people would have understood if you’d called it a day. You could have lived off royalties, enjoyed a quiet life with Calder, Freddie, your sisters.

‘Definitely, definitely. But do you know what? It didn’t cross my mind once. I somehow have an inability to worry, and just get on with things,’ he says, shrugging. ‘It’s definitely made me stronger. I’ve gone through every emotion, and I’m just f—king excited now.’

I think we have an answer. How is Louis Tomlinson? Hopefully, he’ll be just fine.

Walls is released on 31 January

[goldstarnation]

FEBRUARY 2020 GOLD STAR MEDIA SCHEDULES & REVIEW

Members may earn 3 points each (up to 6 points) for writing, by the end of March 7 KST:

A solo para of 400+ words based on their monthly schedule (does not count toward your monthly total).

A thread of six posts (three per participant, including the starter) based on their monthly schedule.

Threads do not have to take place directly during an important date listed on the schedule, but must be related to what the muse is mentioned to be doing in the paragraph explaining their schedule/the company’s schedule for the month and/or their thoughts on the mentioned activities or lack thereof.

These schedules may be updated throughout the month if new information needs to be added.

Reminder: January schedule posts are due by the end of February 7 KST.

Overall Company

The company building spent a month free of Christmas decorations before the building was adorned in tasteful pinks and reds to celebrate Valentine’s Day — not that the idols are allowed to celebrate the holiday in the halls of the company building, of course. Most of the company artists are holding tours or fan meetings or traveling overseas this month, so the decorations might as well be more for the illusion of effort than any real attempt to raise company morale. There isn’t much to be said for news and events from the higher-ups this month again, though.

Important dates:

N/A

Gold Star Soloist 1

By the first half of the month, the tracklist for her mini-album is officially locked in and she’ll finish up recording what she needs to by the end of the month. “Love Poem” has been chosen to be released in March before her album comes out in May. It won’t get a music video, but Gold Star knows she doesn’t need one to be met with success. She’ll need to shoot the photo book for her album this month, as some of the images will serve as teasers for “Love Poem”.

Important dates:

February 20: Love Poem teaser image photo and photobook shoot.

Gold Star Soloist 2

Her Korean tour begins at the very end of the month (see January schedule for special stages). This means long hours in the dance practice studio and, as the concert nears, at the venue. Tickets have already gone on sale, but on the first of the month, she’ll go into a photo shoot for concept photos for the tour that will be used in further advertising and announcements regarding the tour.

Important dates:

February 1: National tour concept photo shoot.

February 29: I AM : RE-BORN tour concert at Incheon Culture & Arts Center in Incheon, South Korea.

Gold Star Soloist 3

Gold Star has set a comeback date for him in April. As had grown increasingly likely in discussions with the company, the single, “Love Die Young” will be entirely English to prelude his upcoming all-English album. It’ll be the first song he officially records off of his album, but it’s been chosen for what Gold Star hopes to be crossover appeal in Western markets while still, hopefully, staying within a marketable sound for the South Korean market so that he doesn’t isolate his domestic fans completely.

Important dates:

N/A

Silhouette

Silhouette takes off for their four date Japan tour mid-month and they’ll be in Japan for around a week, from the evening of the 15th to the morning of the 22nd. Before they leave, they’ll be given the demo guide of their next Japanese single “Bad Girl For You”, which they’ll need to be ready to record once they’re back in Seoul in the final week of the month. The MV won’t be shot until next month, but the members will go in to make sure their outfits for the music video are flattering at the end of the month.

Important dates:

February 16: Silhouette 2020 Winter Live Tour -TROUBLE- concert at Zepp Namba Osaka in Osaka, Japan.

February 17: Silhouette 2020 Winter Live Tour -TROUBLE- concert at Zepp Nagoya in Nagoya, Japan. 

February 19: Silhouette 2020 Winter Live Tour -TROUBLE- concert at Zepp Fukuoka in Fukuoka, Japan. 

February 21: Silhouette 2020 Winter Live Tour -TROUBLE- concert at Zepp Tokyo in Tokyo, Japan. 

February 28: Japanese single MV outfit fittings.

Aria

As they gear up for a fan meeting next month, Aria will need to attend fittings as well as shoots for the poster and some VCRs that will be used during the fan meeting itself. It hasn’t been long since fans have seen them, but it won’t make their audience any less expectant for a good show, so at the end of the month, they’ll begin having days of rehearsal in earnest to prepare for the dates next month.

Important dates:

February 5: Fan meeting poster photo shoot.

February 15: Fan meeting stage out fittings (examples: 1, 2, 3, 4.)

February 20: Fan meeting VCRs 1 & 2 shoot.

Origin

On the eleventh, the members will be on set all day to shoot a CF for Indonesian e-commerce brand Tokopedia and three days later, they’ll be on set to shoot a CF for Formula E racing. Following that, Gold Star has granted the members a two week vacation, something that serves as an incredibly rare opportunity for them to travel and rest (granted, with manager supervision) if they’d like, or focus on their individual activities. Their vacation comes to an end so that they can attend another awards show at the end of the month. Gold Star have let them skip some of the minor awards shows, but they need Origin in the good graces of news outlets like the hosts of this one, so they aren’t done with awards shows yet.

Important dates:

February 11: Tokopedia CF filming.

February 14: Formula E CF filming.

February 15-28: Vacation period.

February 29: Performance at The Fact Music Awards at Gocheok Sky Dome in Seoul, South Korea (also attending: WISH, Alien, 7ROPHY, Fuse).

Impulse

After their extended Seollal break, the Impulse members are back in action for the Oceania leg of their tour. There are only two dates, so they’ll only be in Australia from the 12th to the 17th before returning to Seoul. Next month, the members get the opportunity to hold a seven-show fan fest in Bangkok where each show will highlight one member who gets to give a solo song or dance cover of their choice for that performance, so the members are expected to be practicing their chosen solo covers this month ahead of that.

Important dates:

February 13: Keep Spinning World Tour concert at Qudos Bank Arena in Sydney, Australia.

February 16: Keep Spinning World Tour concert at Rod Laver Arena in Melbourne, Australia.

Fuse

As recently designated Swiss tourism ambassadors, the members are off to Switzerland for ten days where they’ll film a series of promotional videos around the country called “Walk, Ride, Fly With Fuse”. They are working, but they’ll get some time in between to explore for themselves too in hopes the trip will leave enough of an impression on the members for some free promotion later on. They’ll have some time to recuperate from the trip once they get back before another awards show at the end of the month.

Important dates:

February 8-February 17: Trip to Switzerland and promotional video shoot.

February 29: Performance at The Fact Music Awards at Gocheok Sky Dome in Seoul, South Korea (also attending: WISH, Alien, 7ROPHY, Origin).

Element

Element finishes off their North America tour mid-month with a short trip to the US and even get to spend Valentine’s Day with their fans in Atlanta (extra fan service toward fans for the holiday is expected). Once they return to Seoul in the second half of the month, it’s time for them to record their comeback single. A mini-documentary will be filmed for their YouTube channel that shows the lead up to their comeback to show fans the process behind preparing for comeback ( — if there’s the slightest chance it shows Element working hard enough that fans will be less annoyed with Element’s recent rate of one comeback per year, that would be a bonus).

Important dates:

February 13: 4lement in North America Tour concert at Patio Theater in Chicago, IL, USA.

February 14: 4lement in North America Tour concert at Buckhead Theatre in Atlanta, GA, USA.

Femme Fatale

Femme Fatale’s first world tour continues! That means their video diary reality series does as well with a few new episodes in Hong Kong, the Philippines, Singapore, and Malaysia. During their time in between, they’re continuing to prepare for their comeback with fittings and learning the choreography. They have a shoot for next month’s issue of Marie Claire Korea as well. Next month will be busy with overseas travel and preparations for their comeback and Coachella performance, so management recommends they get all the rest they can between this month’s schedules to prepare.

Important dates:

February 1: Femme Fatale In Your Area World Tour concert at Asia-World Arena in Hong Kong.

February 6: Marie Claire Korea March Issue photo shoot.

February 8: Femme Fatale In Your Area World Tour concert at Mall of Asia Arena in Pasay, Philippines.

February 17: Comeback MV and stage outfit fittings.

February 21: Femme Fatale In Your Area World Tour concert at Singapore Indoor Stadium in Singapore.

February 29: Femme Fatale In Your Area World Tour concert at Malawati Indoor Stadium in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.

[90dayableton]

90 Days of Ableton: Day 2

Having never used Ableton software or any serious DAW before, I embark on a 90 day journey to see how much I can learn - and how much music I can make - before my free trial expires.

Day 2: May 12, 2020.

Whenever I play a repetitive or puzzle-based video game (Tetris is a prime example), or ANY game on a screen for long enough, I start dreaming in those patterns...as if my brain thinks we’re still playing while I’m asleep. [Does this ever happen to you?]

I suspect it has something to do with the way the brain learns and processes information. If I spend four or six or eight hours a day doing anything, my brain decides “this must be really important” and it spends twilight hours crunching on it even more. (Probably same reason why I used to get “math nightmares” when I was stressed out in school.)

Well, I’ve immersed myself enough even in the last few days that my brain has decided Ableton is also dream-worthy material. I had clip and midi patterns running through my head all night.

Very surreal.

But honestly, I’m getting a kick out of it.

I have a lot of free time right now, because I’m working from home, and I only need to work 2 days per week to finish all my responsibilities.

Last month I participated in Camp NaNoWriMo, because I’m also a writer, and made my 50,000 words handily. But this month I needed a break from writing so I decided to try something new.

I have really wanted to learn how to do this whole music-making thing for years. I’m inspired by so many electronic music artists and producers. I’ve been a musician for years, but there’s only so much I can do as an individual player without collaborating. I didn’t pursue music professionally even though I’ve done it my whole life. (Started at 4, and I turn 30 next year.)

So the appeal of having total independent control, and making entire full tracks, or even albums, of music I liked and wanted to listen to...yeah. GIMME SUMMA DAT.

SO FAR

On Day 1, I made a song (read more about it here). It was pretty basic.

On Day 2, I knew that I wanted to expand on the song, add another section and wrap it up nicely, do a little bit more with it...but before I did that I spent a few merry hours just f*cking around with the software.

I started new projects, I tried out little melodies, I saved them and opened different projects, I listened to a bunch of samples...I was just waiting for inspiration.

(I also downloaded a bunch of new samples and free packs that were available online. I’ll talk more about that in my post for Day 3.)

I also wanted to start a new project, but I didn’t have a particular direction (just many ideas) so I was feeling aimless. Did I want to do something funky or bossa nova style? Or did I want to take a beloved classical music piece and lofi-ify it? Maybe I could work with an old blues or jazz piece that’s now in public domain.

Eventually, after I collected a bunch of ideas and did a few things that went nowhere, I returned to yesterday’s piece, had another listen, and immediately went into “let’s expand this into something even better” mode.

Click here for a detailed breakdown of what I did differently between Day 1 and Day 2 - including photos of my DAW and a song structure that you can apply to your own composition!

WHAT I LEARNED

ONE. I really should invest in an actual midi keyboard, even if it’s a budget model. [Update: I did the thing. Midi keyboard ordered. It should arrive ~Day 9 of this experiment.]

TWO. It’s typical that the master mix will be flashing red even if the individual tracks show green. The red is an undesirable thing. Lower individual track volumes to between -8 and -12 and play around with the balance to create a better sound.

THREE. I spent a fair amount of time watching youtube tutorials just to figure out basic things, but a lot of time was spent in hands-on learning. Just clicking around, messing up, ctrl+undo-ing my mistake, and trying again until I figured it out.

FOUR. I used auto filter, auto pan, and gate effects for the first time!

FIVE. The things that I did need help to learn:

what the hell is panning and how to do it

how to double your most important tracks for a filled out sound

how to use gates and envelopes [and I know this iceberg is a big one I’ve only begun to delve into]

SIX. Note that this wasn’t the result of like, an hour or two in Ableton. This was the result of two full working days spent immersed in the program. This was easy to accomplish because I woke up excited to “get to it” and didn’t have many distractions throughout the day so I could afford to get sucked in. Hyperfocus, y’all!

SEVEN. Ultimately, I felt immensely satisfied with the accomplishment I made.

In two days, I made two songs that reflected my 1. initial starting point and 2. immediate short-term progress through learning. I feel quite proud!

And even though I’m sure there’s a lot to nitpick at (and a lot that experienced sound engineers would probably laugh at outright - again, if it’s not clear, I have no idea what I’m doing), I’m not minding that internal critic because I’m a beginner, and all beginners have to start somewhere, and I’m hoping that in 90 days I can look back on this and see how far I’ve come.

CONCLUSION

Basically I made all my decisions by ear.

If it sounded great, I left it alone. Empty, I added to it. Bloated, I removed something. Boring, I changed something.

I took inspiration from Andrew Huang who has mentioned in his youtube videos that he makes fast musical choices and goes with it. It can always be changed later.

I’ve found that this is actually a really productive method for my own flow. It has the casual and relaxed feel of improv, combined with the endless benefit of always being able to replay the song over, listen to it, and change the sound if I decide it doesn’t fit anymore.

Anything I added to the overall piece, even if I didn’t use it or deleted it, ended up informing the overall composition. Things that didn’t work in some instruments were perfect when given to other instruments or when put in a different place in the song. Some elements were recombined with others, or inspired new ideas that I kept.

Most of what I’m focusing on in Ableton right now is based in actual music composition...figuring out how to do what I want with a computer keyboard in lieu of a midi keyboard, actually composing and arranging it, adding and removing sections, figuring out the musical flow and structure.

In terms of music and sound editing, I’m definitely a novice. I have picked up a little bit here and there about what is what (mostly thanks to youtubers like Andrew Huang and the many excellent folks who offer tips & tutorials) but there’s still a lot I can’t wrap my head around.

Even though there’s a little bit I still want to tweak, I’m resisting the urge to do it right now because I think it would be fun to take this Day One/Two mix and re-master it on Day 90, just to see how far I’ve come!

[doomedandstoned]

SUCK: The Untold Story of South Africa’s Pioneering Heavy Metal Band

~By Tim Harbour~

Steve Gilroy was raised in Liverpool and educated in London. Gil was the firebrand guitarist of the Johannesburg band SUCK between late-1970 and early-1971. This iconic heavy metal band started up in the same year Black Sabbath released their seminal album Paranoid and rose quickly to fame, then suddenly disappeared -- all within the span of a single year. But, what a year it was!

Suck changed the face of South African music. The outrageous antics of the band won them notoriety throughout the land. They chopped up pianos, set fire to stages, used colourful language on stage, and smashed up everything and anything around them. They were wild and they were banned from playing in every South African city and major town. They were evicted from what was then known as Rhodesia and escorted to the border by the police. Their only album, ‘Time to Suck’ (1970), recorded in less than a dozen hours at EMI Studios in Joburg, was banned from the South African Broadcasting Company and shunned by many radio stations. Every newspaper carried stories about their wiles, however, for if there was one thing that Suck made sure of, it was that they were being sufficiently noticed.

Suck specialized in an infectious style of acid-soaked hard rock and proto-metal, brought to life its four original members:

Andrew "Andy" Ioannides (vocals, flute)

Stephen "Gil" Gilroy (guitar)

Louis "Moose" Forer (bass)

Savario "Savvy" Grande (drums)

Now, nearly fifty years later, Suck are finally being recognised for their music and the one vinyl album to their name is currently being sold for about R 18,000 (approximately $1,279 USD). The album was pirated in Europe and Japan with a purple record sleeve and many of these still exist. Not until 2009 was it officially released in the United States, two years after Suck's mention in the Classic Rock article, 'The Lost Pioneers of Heavy Metal.'

This is their story as best remembered by Gil, whose recollections are being shared for the very first time in the pages of Doomed & Stoned.

Two Rabbits Runnin' In A Ditch

"I came to South Africa in April 1970 by invitation of the South African Government as a mechanical engineer. The day I landed, I phoned Eddie Eckstein who was the drummer with the Bats. I met Eddie in England when the Bats were touring there and we played on the same gig. We drank a few beers together and he said, 'Wow, man, you’ve got to come to South Africa. It's great!' When I called him he said, 'Shit, you’re really here. Did you bring your guitar? Let’s go jamming!'

The 1974 Publications Control Act was written for me the bastards.

"That night he took me to some of the big clubs in Joburg: Club Tomorrow, the Black Out, Ciros, and The Underground. I jammed with the top bands, drank a lot of beer, and had fun. I remember Eddie grabbing a bass guitar -- a brand new Fender -- off a bass player and performing an incredible head-first roll across the stage. The bass player nearly passed out! It was a night to remember, but how it finished I have no recollection.

"About a week later, when the word had spread one of the bands introduced me to ‘Moose’ Forer. He was a really good, aggressive bass player. We had a few beers together and went to jam with a band. We clicked and blew that club away. Clive Calder and Ralph Simon had just started Sagittarius Promotions. They had heard about Moose and I and they saw an opportunity to do something big."

Season of the Witch

"Savvy (Savario Pasquale Maria Grande) came up from Cape Town and we played together. Shit! What a drummer. We were blown away! Every number we played was a perfectly timed drum solo from start to finish. Savvy was like Keith Moon of The Who, but Savvy was far better. He was a big part of Suck’s big sound. We had the musos, now we needed a vocalist, a real screamer. Andy Ionidies was a real screamer! Now we had a band.

"Before we even started to play together, Clive Calder organised a record deal. We had just three weeks to get material together for an album. There was no time to write new material so we listened to music we liked and gave it the Suck treatment. Moose and I did write ‘The Whip’ during a lunch break and that was the only original number. When we played it live, I had a cat o’ nine tails and whipped Andy while he was singing. The audience went into spasm!

"We recorded the entire album and a few extras in nine hours. Four hours on one late afternoon and five hours the following morning. That was it, most of the album was recorded in one take and then onto the next song. Everything was on a budget – that’s how we did it in those days. None of this 'We’ve spent six months in the studio' bullshit."

C'mon and Save Me

"It was the same story with the poster shoot. We had a photographer booked for three hours one afternoon. We were taken to an old, falling apart house with an upstairs fireplace jutting out of a half-demolished wall. Rick Alexander, the photographer, said, 'That would make a great shot. Can you get up there?' I went up to see if it was safe and the floor collapsed! I fell through the floor, hit the ground floor, went through that and ended up in the cellar. Moose dug me out of the rubble. We did the shoot, blood running down my chest, my carefully combed hair a disaster and Andy holding me up. In those days you just did it.

I fell through the floor, hit the ground floor, went through that and ended up in the cellar. Moose dug me out of the rubble.

"The band took me to Joburg General Hospital and a very Afrikaans matron took one look and told me to come back if I started coughing blood. I said, 'If I start coughing blood I’ll be dying.' She casually looked over her shoulder and sneered, 'Well, you had better hurry then.' The guys took me back to the flat, leaned me against the wall, knocked on the door and ran like hell. Lin put me in a bath full of Dettol and started cleaning wounds. It was a big job and involved a lot of alcohol one way or another."

Hear Me Talkin' Baby

"Suck never really gigged, we went straight into playing packed stadiums and theatres. There was a huge amount of hype around Suck, but the band was plenty good enough to pull it off. Moose and I perfected the art of smoking huge amounts of grass, drinking insane amounts of beer and throwing up out of lots of windows and all whilst playing never-ending chess games.

"Travelling around was hell. Clive found an old Volkswagen panel van that the Singer Sewing Machine company had put out to pasture. Three guys in the front, and two Marshall stacks, a PA system, a drum kit, and one guy squeezing in between the equipment and the roof. We kept the Singer signs on the van because it was much safer than Suck. South Africa was by most standards a very conservative country and Suck came as a bit of a shock to most. There were quite a few confrontations -- a typical example was Pietersburg.

About 40 or 50 guys popped into town to inform us that they had come to f*ck us up.

"I think there was an Air Force base there and, while we were unloading the van at the hall, about 40 or 50 guys popped into town to inform us that they had come to ‘f*ck us up.’ We got used to this and the usual procedure was to face them off. My weapon of choice was a heavy claw hammer. Moose had an insane f*ck off sized Bowie knife, Andy had a mike stand with a cast iron base, and Savvy would get hold of anything handy. On this occasion it was a fire axe. We would just stand in a line our backs to a wall, cracking jokes between ourselves, and looking tough. It was obvious that our opponents would suffer casualties and sooner or later our aggressors would chicken out and walk away shouting, 'Fok jou.' It worked every time, I’m delighted to say"

So Many People I Can Be

"The road was hard and shows were always a long way apart. Sagittarius gave us an allowance of R1.00 per day. That was it! We played to big crowds. I seem to remember at Kingsmead Stadium we pulled about 12,000 people, and we lived on R1 per day. It was enough for Viennas, chips, and a slice of bread. We lived on that.

"Clive Calder learned a lot from Suck. We were his first big band and he went on to the USA to produce some of the world’s biggest bands. Suck was promised an American tour, money and more albums, when suddenly nothing happened! We got to the top in South Africa and there was nothing there. It wasn’t going anywhere. I lost interest in music and went back to engineering for a while.

"I started Mame Enterprises -- South Africa’s first nudie photo company. All tastefully presented as an aide to budding artists, complete with drawing instructions. We were banned (I was used to getting banned) and we took the case to the Rand Supreme Court and won. So, the government changed the law and, about a year later, a court case in Pretoria resulted in being banned again, this time for all future publications. The 1974 Publications Control Act was written for me, the bastards.

"Later, I started a small printing company that developed into a pharmaceutical printing business and then I decided to follow my passion: beer! In late 2008 Gilroy’s Brewery, Restaurant and Pub opened in Muldersdrift where my band plays Jazz and Blues on most Friday afternoons.

"Sadly, Andy passed away from a gun accident and Moose was taken by cancer. I’ve heard that Savvy is building racing cars in the Cape and I’m at Gilroy’s having a great time. In the old days Moose and I would play for beer -- it seems that I’m still doing that but this time it’s Gilroy Beer!

"It was tough but I’m really glad that I did it. That feeling of being on stage playing with top-end musicians to a raving crowd -- there is no feeling quite like it."

[peckhampeculiar]

Nunhead Nick

Words Seamus Hasson; Photo Lima Charlie

In a classic case of the chicken and egg scenario it’s uncertain whether the Old Nun’s Head was named after the area or if it is in fact the other way around. While historians can argue about which came first, there’s no debating the charm and elegance of this local boozer which has a history dating back to the 17th century.

Although the original pub that stood on the site has long-since been replaced; the present Tudor-style bar was built around 1934. Inside, its classic wood panelling and comfy snugs have offered refuge to generations of local residents.

The current custodian of this much-loved Nunhead establishment, Nick McNeill has been at the helm for the past six years. It’s a role he clearly relishes. “I always describe my job as basically inviting the general public to come to my house and have a good time,” Nick tells me.  

“It’s my job to show them a good time, whether it’s through the selling of really nice drinks, really nice food, the entertainment we do or just the general atmosphere and the staff. You know, I want people to come to my house and have a good time and there’s genuine job satisfaction in that.”

I arrive at the Old Nun’s Head on a Wednesday evening to find Nick and Ludo - his two and a half year-old Miniature Labradoodle mingling with the patrons. Nick’s convivial nature and laid back charm is clearly popular with locals but it’s obvious who the real star is.

“Everyone knows Ludo.” Nick says. “He’s lived here since he was a baby. The minute he sees a regular customer his tail starts wagging and every time someone opens a bag of pork scratchings he’s their new best friend.

“We’re a very dog friendly pub and I love having all the different dogs coming in here. And it’s nice to have our own resident dog.” Whilst I distract Nick with questions about the bars food and entertainment, Ludo takes on the role of the perfect host, attracting the attention of passing customers.

His residence in the bar (he lives upstairs with Nick, Nick’s girlfriend and the bar manager Monica) perfectly sums up the establishments sense of fun and irreverence. The bar’s function room hosts a number of regular events including comedy nights, drag queens and queer cabaret shows.

Later that week, Nick informs me they are getting ready for a ‘chilli karaoke competition.’ “Basically you start singing the song,” he explains. “Then after 30 seconds they stop the song and you eat a whole jalapeno chilli pepper. Then you have to finish signing the song. I think it suits this place, it’s silly and we try not to take ourselves too serious.”

And what about the drag queen nights, are they traditional acts like Danny La Rue? I ask, channelling my inner David Brent. “Oh no no no no no definitely not, no,” Nick politely but firmly corrects me. “It’s much more modern, gender fluid, non-binary, arty. Some of it’s political; some of it’s just fun. There’s some stand up, some of it is just dancing and lip syncing. There’s also some quite poignant poetic stuff.

“There aren’t many places in South East London where you can see drag queens and drag kings and stuff like that. We do it because we like it and because it’s fun, not because we’re trying to send any particular message or capture a certain market.”

Comedy nights at the Old Nun’s Head are run by piñata and are described as ‘DIY comedy at its very best.’ “It’s a really varied off the wall comedy show with a real mixture of stuff going on,” Nick says. “It’s not just here’s a bloke with a microphone telling jokes.

“You can go and see that in 100 places and that doesn’t excite me. What excites me is the kind of event where you walk through the door and you’re not quite sure what you’re going to see. We don’t want to be predictable.”

Predictability isn’t something The Old Nun’s Head could be accused of when it comes to entertainment. The bar also hosts drag bingo once a month and even the weekly quiz night is hosted by a stand-up comedian.

On top of all this the confederation of lady arm wrestlers hold events at the bar three or four times a year. “That’s another quite high concept comedy slash sports entertainment show.” Nick laughs.

The bars culture of fun and flippancy extends to their social media accounts which are full of satire and clever memes. When Donald Trump was elected president they offered a free pint and a hug to distraught American customers who showed up with their passport. Then there’s the rather bizarre preoccupation with Ryan Gosling.

As well as being the pubs Wi-Fi password, the website proudly states ‘The Ryan Gosling of Pubs.’ “The guy who hosts the quiz nights used to work here,” Nick explains, “and every time the phone would ring he would answer and say something really stupid.

“One of his favourites was ‘hello, the Old Nun’s Head, the Ryan Gosling of pubs.’ “I’m not sure of the exact thinking behind it but it just sort of stuck.” No doubt if Gosling ever turned up at The Old Nun’s Head, he would be made feel very welcome (if a little freaked out).

Not everyone however buys into the pubs ethos and one slightly uncharitable reviewer on Trip Adviser called them “smug, self-satisfied hipster scum.” “I was like whoa,” Nick says elaborately. “I mean our most regular customer is a guy called Eddie who sits at that bar stool over there. He’s a local legend, everyone knows Eddie, he’s the elite hipster, he’s in his 70s and drinks Kronenberg.”

Nick says that that they’re very passionate about the choice of beers and that they rotate, particularly local breweries as much as possible. Just don’t mention the F word (Fosters) or the C word (Carlsberg) or indeed the S word (Stella).

“We do sell some of the more mainstream stuff as well. I don’t like it if you go into a pub and everything is just exclusive crafty. You know, we’re a pub for everyone so yeah you can get a pint of Kronenberg or a pint of Guinness,” Nick explains.

Food at the Old Nun’s Head is provided by a number of outside caterers who show up on different nights. While I’m there it’s the turn of the hugely popular Garden of Edun, famous for their authentic Nigerian street food. (During our interview pub regular and Nigerian food enthusiast, Vijay turns up for his weekly take-away).

On Monday and Tuesday nights, it’s the turn of Burger Bear who also provide their award winning burgers on Saturdays. Tiger Bites who make Bao buns with fried chicken and vegan fried ‘chick’n’ are currently filling in on Thursday and Friday nights and on Sunday’s traditional roasts are served from the kitchen. It’s fair to say that Old Nun Head’s menu is a cut above your typical hackneyed pub grub. “I always quote that it’s been a good five years since a portion of fish and chips were sold in here,” Nick tells me.

Nick’s passion for the pub and the area is infectious. He first came to South East London 15 years ago when he was a student at Camberwell Art College and has worked in and managed a number of local bars since.

Being in the trade he has kept his finger on the pulse when it comes to change. “When I was living with art students in Camberwell the idea of going into Peckham back then for any reason was crazy. I think Bar Story was the one cool place in Peckham and that was it.

“How it’s changed in those years is amazing. I like Nunhead because we’re that one step away from Peckham. There’s a lot happening in Peckham, It’s a little bit slower in Nunhead and that suits me.”

“What I love most about it is the long running family businesses that have been here for decades. I’m glad that we’ve still got some of that old Nunhead mixed in with the new bars and shops.” When it comes to the pub, Nick is a big advocate of serving the local community.

He considers the staff to be his extended family and when he was told that our photographers were coming out to take his picture he insisted that everyone would be in it – including Ludo of course.

“We try not to be a destination pub,” Nick says. “This is a pub for Nunhead or people who live in and near Nunhead. We want this to be a local pub to be really proud of. My main job isn’t to get people from across the river to come here; I want the people of Nunhead to adore this pub as much as I do.

“We’re not really trying to be cool here, there are cooler pubs in Peckham we’re just about having fun really.”

[seriouslyhooked]

Wedded Bliss and Asterisks (A Modern CS AU) Part 14/?

Emma Swan is an enemy of love who just happens to be an up and coming wedding dress designer. She’s convinced that a fairytale kind of romance is nowhere in her future but when she meets Killian Jones, whose magazine is covering the opening of her new boutique, things change. Suddenly Emma finds herself drawing up new plans for her life, ones that seem to all be leading towards her own form of wedded bliss. Rated M.

Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five, Part Six, Part Seven.Part Eight, Part Nine, Part Ten, Part Eleven, Part Twelve, Part Thirteen. Also on FF Here.

A/N: So this chapter is accomplishing two things I desperately wanted for this fic. It’s letting Emma and Killian linger a little longer in that flufftastic first ‘I love you’ phase and it will be getting some more closure for two other couples, one more obvious than the other. I think you guys can all guess which one I am most talking about... Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy what is literally just a chapter of cuteness and smuff. Thanks for reading!

“I love you, Emma.”

Those precious words had been playing in Emma’s mind on a near loop since the moment Killian said them last night, and with a full day gone since that moment (spent almost entirely in the arms of the man who loved her) Emma was amazed at how much she was still feeling. There was no coming down from this high that spoken love brought, and even as she dozed in Killian’s room, recouping after a sleepless night and a lazy Sunday spent together in bed, Emma felt that same undeniable warmth of his words and his promise. They were in this together and they were going to figure it all out side by side no matter what came next.

To be honest though, Emma had kind of been hoping for a bit more of the whole lounging in bed thing. This weekend had been wonderful. Between the beautiful wedding and everything else Emma knew it was one of the best (if not the single greatest) she had ever known. But Monday was growing ever closer and responsibilities would come knocking once more in only a mater of hours. As such Emma felt this need to savor every moment they did have and to enjoy this precious spell of time to the fullest before the real world came calling again.

With that objective in mind, Emma slipped out of bed and threw on one of Killian’s shirts as she set out to find him. In this spacious apartment there were a number of places he could be, but she didn’t have to try too hard to locate him when the wafting scent of dinner hit her nose and she heard a faint murmuring coming from the kitchen. Emma expected to find Killian singing along to some song or other as he cooked for the two of them (something he was prone to doing), but as she got closer she realized he wasn’t singing but talking.

“Alright brother, enough evasion. You want to tell me you called six times in two hours to ask about a wedding for two people you don’t know? I’m not buying it. So just be out with it.”

Emma stilled right before the doorway when she heard those remarks and she let herself wrap her mind around what Killian had just said. Clearly he was talking to Liam, but what was this about six phone calls? And why exactly was Liam so interested in the nuptials of Aladdin and Jasmine? Even as she asked herself those questions, Emma knew the answer: Elsa.

“What’s wrong with me being interested? Emma mentioned it a number of times at dinner. Obviously it was important to her…”

Emma hadn’t expected the call to be on speaker and for her to be able to hear the full depths of this conversation, but she smiled despite herself. Liam was totally lying right now about being interested because of her. He knew that Elsa was making the cake for this wedding and that if Emma was going her friend would be in attendance too. The line of thinking was so transparent and in a way it reassured Emma. Liam definitely had it bad if he was dogging his brother for details.

“You mean it was important to Elsa,” Killian finished and Emma muffled a laugh, loving that the two of them were on the same page with Liam’s denials. She could just picture Killian’s expression right now and it was toeing the line between frustration at Liam’s stalling and humor from his brother being caught up in anyone at all.

“I didn’t say that,” Liam said but it wasn’t convincing in the slightest.

“Didn’t have to,” Killian replied and Emma could hear him moving about the kitchen.

Without thinking she moved into the doorway and leaned against it, watching Killian work to make them some elaborate meal that was totally unnecessary but also very sweet. Emma didn’t announce herself though, instead choosing to enjoy the view of her hot, shirtless boyfriend cooking for her and the interesting conversation being had. Maybe she should feel guilty for that, but she couldn’t seem to muster such a sentiment. All of this was just going to get back to her anyway. Killian never kept anything from her and that thought made her already present smile grow bigger.

“Well now that you’ve mentioned it… how was she?” Liam asked and Emma rolled her eyes. Whoever said men were more straightforward than woman was full of shit. It seemed everyone was prone to these moments of infatuation-induced lunacy.

“From what I saw fine, but her date might have had a better gauge on her feelings.”

“She brought someone?!” Liam bellowed and Emma made a surprised sound that instantly had Killian looking up at her. It wasn’t a look of surprise though and Emma began to realize that she might not have been as sneaky as he thought. Nevertheless Killian smiled and then pressed a finger to his lips in a signal for her to keep quiet as he continued on with his brother.

“What are you doing with her, Liam?” Killian asked bluntly.

“Excuse me?” Liam countered, sounding more frenzied than he probably wanted to. Emma took it as a good sign, however. From everything Killian had said, Liam was never thrown out of whack. He must really like Elsa for a response like this to manifest.

“What are your intentions with Elsa?” Killian specified and Emma felt her heart clench. She knew he was asking both for her peace of mind and for Elsa’s and Emma appreciated that so much. This was his brother he was interrogating, but Killian wasn’t afraid to ask the hard questions and in doing so he proved that loyalty Emma always knew was there between them.

“I hardly think that’s -,” Killian interrupted Liam before he could rebuff him.

“She saw a photo of you and one of your matches in the paper, Liam. She saw it and now she’s second-guessing everything. Honestly if Emma hadn’t been there to give her some sort of guidance, you might have lost Elsa completely already.” They heard a string of curses through the phone but Killian ignored them and pressed on. “You have to tell her, Liam. If you want a chance with her you’ve got to come clean. Assuming you’re choosing her over the others.”

“There’s no choice to make. I told Diana that on Thursday. There’s only Elsa. She’s all I see,” Liam asserted. Meanwhile Killian mouthed ‘matchmaker’ to Emma and she nodded, understanding that Liam had totally severed ties with that hair-brained idea and that he’d done it for her friend. It was incredibly touching to hear, and though it was an odd situation, Emma did believe Elsa would understand or that she could be made to understand if Liam went about this the right way.

“Right. So get your head out of your ass and tell her how you feel. It’s that simple.”

Emma grinned at that and moved around the kitchen counter to step into his arms, wrapping herself up in Killian and enjoying the fact that they’d both finally been able to do that with each other. It was this huge step for her, giving those three words to a guy when she’d never really meant them before, but it was right with Killian and Emma also knew she’d never live to regret it. Hopefully Liam could find his courage and make a move so Elsa got even the chance to consider where she stood with Killian’s brother.

“Ha! Simple? This woman is anything but simple. She’s – she’s…” Emma was pretty interested in this part. She wanted that kind of window into exactly what Liam thought of her best friend, but Killian had other ideas, showing his brother mercy and letting him keep his precious thoughts to himself.

“Not susceptible to your usual routine of bossing people around or throwing money at them, aye I gathered that. So find another way.”

Liam muttered something about not having a ‘bloody compass’ when it came to this whole thing and Emma imagined he meant love in general. He wasn’t wrong though. There was no map to getting to a happy ending, and half the fear and worry that Emma had felt since meeting Killian was centered on not being able to see exactly what was coming. The comfort of knowing the way life would turn out was compromised when you risked your heart, but if you found the right person there was no need to worry. Emma knew that now with Killian and she hoped that Liam and Elsa, if all things worked out, could get to a similar space of trust and faith in each other.

“If that’ll be all brother, I’ve got my own life to get back to.”

“You mean your own woman,” Liam replied in an almost grumpy way.

“Aye, I do. So I’ll leave you to finding your path to your own happiness and I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

The brothers said their goodbyes then, and when Killian hung up the call, Emma found herself laughing against him. She couldn’t pinpoint exactly why except that she was happy. Happy for her own situation with Killian, happy for Elsa who was no doubt in store for some kind of romantic attention for Liam, and happy for the fact that things were going so well in her life.

It was really amazing to think how much had changed. It was like one day she’d been this ordinary person living the life she thought she wanted but it wasn’t really clear. Looking back now those memories almost seemed out of focus. She’d had a lot going for her: great friends, the career she always dreamed of, and a rent controlled apartment in Manhattan. But she hadn’t been living in full color yet and to get there she’d needed love, and she’d needed it from Killian.

“Nothing in the world can compare to that sound, Swan,” Killian mused as one of his hands ran over her lower back soothingly and the other came to tilt her head back up to him. The smile gracing his handsome face was so warm and full of unspoken emotion but Emma knew what they all were now and she wasn’t scared of them in the slightest.

“Lucky then that your brother is so funny,” Emma said purposely teasing Killian. “You’ll probably get to hear it a lot because of him.”

Killian reacted exactly the way Emma expected, which was to say with a low growl and a shift of their positions so she was boxed in against the counter and the hard lines of his body were pressed against hers. She heated at the shift in his demeanor, but even if he was all fired up from her words, that love in his eyes remained. Truthfully it never left Killian’s presence, Emma just had the benefit of knowing that was for sure what it was now.

“I know you’re toying with me Emma, but rest assured I have every intention to keep that smile on your face and that laugh of yours coming for a very long time.”

The words, powerful as they were, elicited their desired reaction and Emma smiled at him again, watching Killian simultaneously calm and grow more desperate for her. Emma could feel this growing need between them, but she also saw his appreciation of being on the receiving end of her smile. Never in her life had Emma felt so cherished and so wanted, but with Killian there was no doubt of that. He treated a simple smile like this spectacular gift, and Emma wanted to give him a million more so he could be as happy as she felt right now.

“Well making dinner like this is definitely a good place to start…” Emma said, looking back to all that he’d managed to make for the two of them but she was surprised by Killian’s low laugh. She turned back to him finding his grin ticked up to one side and making him look even more attractive than he’d been just a second ago. She also felt the heat radiating off of him and she instinctively knew that his mind had shifted from one kind of appetite to another and that sudden flash of awareness rushed through her and set her body on fire in the most delicious way.

“We’ll have to hope it keeps, love,” Killian said in a low, taunting voice. “Because I’ve got a rather different taste to satisfy right now and I can promise you won’t be disappointed.”

Emma swallowed harshly, her hands grasping at his chest and earning her another growl. She looked into Killian’s cerulean eyes and saw nothing held back at all. He was all in, all hers, and that filled her with this sense of unwavering want.  The next thing she knew his lips were on hers and Emma was arching into him and totally forgetting about anything but this. She expected them to go further right here, but with gruff whispers Killian told her he wanted her back in bed and she wasn’t going to say no to that. They made their way between continued stolen kisses back to where they’d spent most of today and Emma was so riled up she could hardly stand it.

“Much as I love seeing you in my shirt Swan, take it off.”

To call it a request on Killian’s part would be generous, but the command made a huge impact, shooting right to Emma’s core and making her want even more. She immediately responded by indulging him and then felt that same flush of pride that came every time Killian’s eyes were on her. He looked at her like she was perfect, and she believed that she could be. Emma was willing to believe his constant praise when she had his love as the proof. Besides, she found the same kind of perfection in him too and as they’d both already attested, they were in this together. It was only fair that they should both feel this overwhelming need mutually between them.

“If we’re not careful we’ll make this whole dessert before dinner thing a habit,” Emma said as she lay back on the bed and Killian came over her with a mix of grace and raw sensual appeal. Killian flashed that almost wicked look that told her he had a million dirty thoughts running through his mind all designed to pull every last ounce of pleasure for her. She could hardly wait for him to deliver on that, but it would be worth whatever wait would come to be with him.

“That’s hardly a threat when the result is this desirable.”

His voice dripped with raw sex and Emma shivered from those words and then the rough kiss he bestowed on her lips. She was lost in this and in him and then the feel of his hand sliding over her skin. Nothing should feel this new or vibrant when they’d come together so many times already, but the sensations were electrifying and scalding all in one. Emma was familiar with different triggers that made her need spring tight, like the rough scratch of his beard against her skin, or the way Killian’s hands walked that tight rope between a firm hold and reverent worship, but every time Emma succumbed at the same swift pace.

There was no fighting off the onslaught of feelings, and Emma would never dream to do so. Instead she gave way to it and gave into what Killian wanted – her telling him her every need and letting him know when he’d gotten it just right.

“God, Killian, right there,” she panted out when his mouth came to her breast as his hand moved between her legs. The dual stimulation was heady and almost too much, but Killian’s throaty chuckle told her he’d take her so much further and that she’d love every second of it. “Fuck that’s so good.”

“You might very well be insatiable Swan, needing me like this after the day we’ve had, but I’ll take that as a challenge.”

Emma murmured about his loving a challenge before totally losing her words all together. All she could do was close her eyes and hold on, feeling so on edge until he finally let her come apart by his hand. When she’d just started to breathe again he was moving lower, his kisses taunting over her every curve before he settled between her legs and reminded her of his prowess all over again. It was blindingly brilliant and totally hot and Emma tried to ride out every wave of pleasure that the feel of his tongue at her sex brought out and that every nip and suck pulled forth. Soon enough she was crashing again, and the only way she could get this impossibly talented and determined man to come back to her was to practically beg for him to do so. She was aware of her limits, and she might actually die from bliss with much more of his mouth on her.

When he was back above her again, his eyes hot and molten with desire, Emma knew instinctively that he was about to say something. It would likely be incredibly dirty and fantastic, but she had to say something first. She felt this need to remind him of exactly where they stood.

“I love you, Killian.”

Whatever had been on his mind before was gone and Killian reacted to her promise with ones of his own, whispered over and over again as he took her with this forceful kind of love that fed every need Emma had. It was only a matter of time before they fell apart together and when they did, lying there spent together, Emma closed her eyes and tried to capture this moment. It was just too good, she reasoned, to ever be forgotten, and she didn’t come back to until she felt Killian’s hand come brush against her cheek. Her eyes opened then and she readied herself for whatever was coming.

“You’re everything to me, Emma. Every last good thing in my world comes back to you. I wish I could explain it any other way, but there it is.”

“I think that was pretty good actually,” Emma whispered before kissing him again and making a similar vow. And with that, the two of them went and had that dinner they’d skipped and tried to soak up every last second they still had left before returning to the real world once more.

…………

It took a fair amount of effort on Killian’s part to not stare at the clock and will time to fly faster this morning, and honestly the only reason he was even remotely successful was because there were a million things going on at Citizen NY. He couldn’t go two minutes without someone knocking on his door and presenting a new issue or something for him to sign off on, and Killian appreciated the busy work and the problem solving that was needed. If there had been any less call on his time today he’d be in real danger of saying screw it and finding Emma earlier than their agreed upon time.

As it was they were meeting for lunch in a half an hour, and he’d seen Emma just last night after a weekend of certifiable bliss, but it felt like a lifetime. The time without her moved too slow and his home held no comforts without Emma there. Everywhere he looked the memory of her lingered and he found himself frustrated with the fact that they needed any space between them at all. Yes they had their own lives and careers, but it was a cruel twist of fate for him to hear Emma say that she loved him one night and then the next for her to leave.

Despite his grievances about their separation, Killian couldn’t help but grin at the thought of what they’d shared this weekend. His love for Emma had been a part of him for what felt like so long, but to finally know that it was reciprocated… well nothing had ever compared to it. No victory had ever tasted as sweet as winning Emma’s heart, and now there was this never ceasing flow of adrenaline coursing through him. Killian could conquer anything in this state, except for the anxiety that came from Emma being away from him too long. He was just lucky she’d said yes to lunch. He hated to think where he’d be if she’d been too busy.

After a few minutes of quiet in his office, however, Killian’s restlessness got the best of him, and though it would take a maximum of ten minutes to get to Bliss Boutique, he found himself grabbing a jacket and heading for the door. When he opened it though, he stumbled upon a bit of a roadblock in the form of his best mate flirting with the girl he’d finally had the courage to ask out. Will looked plenty pleased with himself right now, and Belle for her part was very receptive though perhaps a little cooler that Will was. Killian supposed he should be happy at least one of them had a care for their being in the work place and in the middle of the hallway to boot.

“So this is how it’s going to be then?” Killian joked, bringing both their attention his way and causing a tutting sound to come from Tink. Killian cast a glance at his assistant who seemed put out now. She was a very big fan of the budding office romance, and she clearly did not appreciate the interruption. “Flirting on company time, and just in front of the boss’ office no less.”

“Oh come on mate, you know you ship it. Hell you were the one who pushed me to action in the first place,” Will proclaimed jovially. Killian understood the last part of Will’s sentence but the first part went right over his head.

“What’s a ship got to do with anything?” he asked and Belle chuckled lightly.

“Sorry that’s on me. I’ve got that piece going on Comic Con and clearly I’ve been sharing the lingo a little too much,” she said but her smile directed at Will was more pleased than anything else.

Killian would have accepted that as an adequate answer and left well enough alone but then Will started prattling on about how Killian was the original shipper and how apparently his investment in Will’s happiness made him a fanboy or the head of a fandom or something or other. Killian didn’t bother trying to track the logic after a certain point, but he did smile when Tink made a joke about t-shirts and a couple name. His assistant was obviously exaggerating, but her delivery was so sincere that Will’s teasing started to shift to discomfort before Tink gave herself away as only kidding.

“Alright you’ve made your point.  A little less office-oriented romance or everyone’s liable to get carried away,” Will said, straightening up and trying to appear all business. Meanwhile Belle took one look at him and laughed, no doubt seeing he was totally full of it.

“Oh you know what?” Tink asked. “You guys should go on a double date! That would be adorable!”

“Adorable is a strong word,” Killian countered, but then he thought of Emma’s reaction to seeing Belle and Will in this current state of new found happiness and he wondered if it wasn’t that bad an idea. Emma had really taken to Belle when meeting her before and she’d also enjoyed Will in the times she’d come here to the office. Maybe it would work and prove an enjoyable time. “But then again, why deny Emma the chance to make heads or tails of this ship herself?”

Killian’s words were probably used incorrectly based on Belle’s barked out laugh and Tink’s even wider smile, but he didn’t care and he would made sure to ask Emma her thoughts about this scheme at lunch. Without giving much more excuse Killian departed, leaving them all there staring after him and no doubt musing about his love life. He was fine with them talking though, and he imagined that someday they’d get used to this as the new normal. For as long as Killian had Emma in his life he anticipated things being similarly light and his priorities remaining with her over his old tendency to work, work, work.

After getting out of the office building, Killian moved with purpose towards Emma and he managed to make a quick stop though at the flower vendor just near her shop. In the past he’d gone with the single rose to brighten Emma’s day when he picked her up for such dates, but today he decided to go for something grander. He procured the brightest bouquet he could find (that still paled in comparison to Emma) and then he felt better equipped to find his Swan once more.

As expected, Killian eventually located her in the far end of the showroom, caught up in the hustle and bustle of her day. He’d arrived early in part for this chance to see Emma fully immersed in her work, and Killian was glad for the fact that at first she didn’t notice him. It gave him the ability to take her in in all her splendor, with her hair tied back in a messy bun and clipped together with one of her favorite sketching pencils. She was donning her glasses that only ever made an appearance when she was reading or designing and the sleek, modern cut of the floral dress she’d worn today gave her that final flare of perfect professionalism. Emma was a vision to say the least, and an ever capable one at that.

Killian got the chance to watch her with some of the seamstresses on staff here, giving comment about the exact detailing on the dress before them. It was a stunning creation as all of Emma’s works were, but where Killian saw nothing that needed fixing, Emma’s eyes were trained carefully on the gown seeking out any potential flaws. Her perfectionist tendencies reared their head in this moment, but there was nothing unattractive in her tenacity. On the contrary, Killian was always taken with just how passionate Emma was about creating things that were as close to flawless as they could be. He treated each issue of his magazine the same way, and that drive wasn’t something many people understood but Emma certainty did.

“Let’s go back over some of this beading with one more layer of threading. It needs to be a bit more secure so we can add the sash without any fuss. And maybe with these layers here just the slightest trim. I’m sure the measurements are perfect to what I wrote before, I just think it might -,”

“Add a little more volume?” The older woman Emma was working with asked and Emma smiled warmly at the interruption.

“Exactly. This is definitely a dress for dancing and I think it could elevate it that much more to have a little more bounce.”

“I’ll get right on it,” the woman assured her and Emma thanked her before looking up and finding Killian standing there. Killian anticipated a level of surprise when she discovered him but there was none in Emma’s expression. Instead there was a knowing look that told Killian his presence might not have gone undetected as he once assumed and he smiled back at her, eager to have Emma in his arms again.

“You’re truly a genius, love,” Killian offered when Emma came over to greet him with a kiss and accepted the flowers he’d brought for her. When she took them in hand, Killian watched a blush spread across her cheeks. All this time together and Emma could still get overwhelmed with something he saw as the smallest gesture.

“And you are a life saver,” Emma admitted, pulling Killian with her as she found a vase for the flowers and put them in her office.

“Has my gift some powers of revival I’m unaware of?” Killian asked and Emma smiled, shaking her head.

“No, but you do. I’ve been going a little stir crazy today. It was hard to say goodbye to this weekend,” Emma confessed and Killian moved closer to her, thankful for the fact that she’d closed the office door and he had a bit more freedom to be close to her again.

“I know the feeling, love, and I’ve come to a resolute conclusion,” he said as he brushed a strand of her golden hair that had fallen free behind her ear.

“Oh yeah? And what’s that?”

“I’ve no interests in saying goodbyes to you, Emma. Not now, not ever.”

Killian only had a fleeting moment where he could watch those words sink in for Emma before she was pulling down for a kiss, but he’d seen all he needed to in that brief window. There was that same level of love and adoration clear as day in her green eyes, and the kiss they shared went from sweet confirmation to hungry and needy faster than it should. Soon enough Killian was forgetting where they were, moving her closer to her desk with the goal of taking off some of the edge they were both feeling. But though they’d obviously indulged in some questionable work place activities before, things here were different and Killian never wanted to complicate Emma’s life at her office in anyway, even if fighting to pull back was a test of his control he almost didn’t win.

“If we don’t stop now, we might not get to that lunch I promised you, and I hate to see you go without grilled cheese.”

Emma’s laugh filled the space between them and she agreed that they should probably go. Killian could still see the want to make more of this in her eyes, but he reasoned that if they waited now, he could use that want to his benefit later and convince her to let them see each other tonight too. After her reaction to his confession on goodbyes, he hoped he might be so lucky.

Once back out in the main showroom and headed towards the front doors, Killian felt his excitement for lunch growing. They weren’t going anywhere special, but there was this small diner that Emma had shown him a few weeks back, which was a place they both enjoyed and which provided a level of comfort he was looking forward to. Yet before they could depart to find that quiet moment, something caught Killian’s attention outside.

“Oh bloody hell,” Killian muttered and his words prompted Emma to look through the glass windows outside.

“Is that…?” she trailed off, likely not believing what the two of them were bearing witness to.

“My headstrong, fool-in-love brother? Aye. Strap in love, I think we’re in for something here.”

Killian and Emma stood there watching as Liam went past the main door, presumably to the specified bakery entrance next door with a huge bundle of flowers in his arms and all they needed to do was share the briefest look to reach an agreement: there was no way either of them was going to miss this. They moved quickly towards the bakery from inside where they were, running into Ruby and Mary Margaret as they did.

“Jeez where’s the fire?” Ruby asked but Emma just shook her head and grabbed Ruby’s hand, pulling her along as Ruby grabbed Mary Margaret and dragged her too.

“I don’t think your nosey ass is going to want to miss this,” Emma claimed as she propelled her friends forward and prompted a low chuckle from Killian. The colorful statement was hardly wrong, and as someone who had lived through a few big moments in this shop, he knew Ruby (and Mary Margaret) would be loathed to miss a confrontation like the one that was about to happen between his brother and Elsa.

“Excuse me?” Ruby asked, but the rest of her reply died on her lips when the four of them reached the doorway that stood between the bakery and the rest of the boutique. Coming through the doors outside right now was Liam, appearing out of breath like he’d run the whole way from his office to see Elsa.

At first the object of Liam’s affection didn’t notice his sudden appearance in her shop as she was focused intently in the back where she was working on some sugar detailing. But the indication that something was afoot came when a hush fell over the entire bakery. Even the other customers seemed to pick up something happening, with all gazes turning to Liam, and then there was the dead give away of Ruby’s whispered yell to Elsa.

“Hey, Els!” She said loud enough for everyone to hear, though by Killian’s estimation the only person who didn’t notice was Liam who was too transfixed by Elsa to notice anything around him. Elsa looked to Ruby and then followed her gaze to Liam, her face going pink as soon as she saw him.

“Liam? What are you doing here?” Elsa asked, her hands running over the apron she wore in a nervous gesture as she approached the counter. They were still separated but both of them were as close as the layout of the bakery would allow and their body language hinted that if there were no barrier they’d be closer even than that.

“I’m here to tell you my intentions,” Liam responded and as soon as that word left his mouth, Emma reached for Killian’s hand. He tore his gaze away from the scene before him to catch her eyes, and in those green pools was the unspoken thought that this was because of him. Liam had taken his urging to make a move and state his wants rather literally and as far as grand gestures went, this was a rather interesting one to choose.

“You’re – I’m sorry what?” Elsa asked, clearly not believing him. She was blushing even more now, but Killian had to admit there was something more than embarrassment on display here. Yes, if he was right there was definitely something warmer under Elsa’s shock and surprise.

“I think I love you.”

Bloody hell! Killian thought to himself and he didn’t know whether to slap his hand over his eyes and stop watching or to applaud his brother. It was a ballsy play that was for sure (especially considering the fact that he’d never so much as taken Elsa out), but to take a risk like that in this public of a setting… well a man had to be pretty damn sure of his affections to get to this kind of level.

“Oh my god,” Mary Margaret whispered at the same time that Ruby replied “I knew it!”

“You… what?” Elsa asked, clearly having come no closer to getting her thoughts sorted out than she had been a second ago. Now she looked even more flustered and with good reason. Killian’s brother hadn’t managed any kind of finesse in this. He was blunt as ever and yet the earnestness on display was truly something.

Never in his life had Killian seen Liam this way.  He wasn’t showing weakness per se, and he still took up a huge presence in the shop not just from his size but his general aura, but there was this level of awkwardness that Liam never carried. He was gruff not because of disinterest, but because he cared. Truly he cared so much that he’d just admitted his love for a woman he barely knew in front of at least two-dozen strangers, his brother, and Elsa’s closest friends.

“I know you hate me. I know you think that the two of us can’t work and you’ve your reasons for that, but I’m going to prove you wrong. I’m going to show you that I’m the man for you Elsa, and I don’t care how long it takes. I’m going to make you love me somehow because you’re it for me. You were it from the moment I saw you and… well that’s just it.”

As if the delivery of his sentiments wasn’t wild enough, Liam then seemed set to leave not two seconds after he dropped his confession. He turned around as if to go and then realized he still had the flowers in hand. They weren’t a kind Killian recognized, but Emma’s whisper gave him some perspective.

“They’re Bellflowers, like the tattoo on Elsa’s wrist. He sent her about a billion off them last week too.”

Truth was Killian had never noticed that flower adorning Elsa’s arm before. The only tattoo with a similar placement he’d ever noticed was Emma’s, but now he took a look and saw that both Ruby and Mary Margaret had flowers on their wrists as well. He imagined the blossoms had personal meaning to each woman but that the placement had been specific so as to tie the friends together.

“These are for you,” Liam said, handing the arrangement to Elsa who took them gladly and then Liam left them all stunned by going with his first instinct and leaving. It took a second for Elsa to realize what he was doing, but when it hit her she was in motion. Dropping the flowers to the counter and running after him. Meeting up just outside.

Now, usually Killian wouldn’t consider himself the nosiest person. He liked a good story, sure, but he didn’t usually go out of his way to spy on people. Yet he reasoned in this moment that continued watching was fine and perhaps even divinely ordained, since the breeze outside had the door move back so forcefully at Elsa’s exit that she triggered the function to keep the door open. Now their voices wafted through despite their being outside, and the whole bakery filled with people had an unspoken contract to keep quiet and listen in.

“Hey wait!” Elsa yelled and Liam stopped turning around and facing a slightly pissed off Elsa. He looked actually afraid at her anger but he stood there taking it all the same. Elsa came to stand before him and poked his chest before speaking her mind. “You can’t just go around yelling at women that you love them and walk away!”

“I don’t go around yelling to women that I love them. I’ve only ever said it to you!” Liam tossed back.

“Oh he is good,” Ruby acknowledged and Emma squeezed Killian’s hand.

“He’s alright. He could use a few lessons in keeping his cool though.” Emma’s words were clearly aimed as a compliment to Killian and he felt his chest puff out at her words.

“And why is that exactly?” Elsa asked, bringing everyone’s attention back outside.

“Why is what?” Liam asked his voice raised to match hers.

“Why did you come in here tell me you love me and then leave? You didn’t even ask me on a date I mean who does that?! You’re going about this all out of order and…” 

Elsa was waving her hands and then at some point she stopped, looking at Liam and muttering something they all couldn’t hear, though Killian guessed it was something along the lines of ‘fuck it.’ Then she stepped to Liam and pulled him down for a kiss that at first stunned Liam. It only took a second though for him to meet her and make this a show for everyone inside.

“That’s it!” Ruby said in pseudo anger. “I’m telling Graham in no uncertain terms that I’m demanding a grand gesture. I can’t be the only one who doesn’t get this. I want my work day crashed by love like everyone else!”

Emma and Killian both laughed at Ruby’s words and now Liam and Elsa had broken apart and were whispering to each other outside. Killian took that as his sign to fully break away and at least pretend at giving them privacy. To do so he focused his attentions on Emma, wanting to know her mind in this moment.

“So, all in all what did you think, love?” Killian asked with amusement and Emma leaned into him, her words rich and warm and said in that lower voice that spoke to her being perfectly content.

“It’s nice to see other people finding love when we already have it,” Emma said and Killian grinned at that before the shrieks of excitement came from Ruby and Mary Margaret. Killian wondered if perhaps the two women weren’t fusing their excitement both for Elsa and for Emma in one reaction.

“Wait, love?!” Mary Margaret asked.

“You told a man you love him?! And you didn’t even tell us?!” Ruby yelled, filling the whole space and drawing everyone in the bakery’s eyes to them but Emma only rolled her eyes and pulled on Killian’s hand to lead him through the shop for their exit.

“Yup. And no I am not canceling my lunch to tell you all about it. You can both survive the hour. Just go fuss over Elsa until I get back.”

Emma’s friends seemed consoled by that objective and Killian breathed a sigh of relief. He liked Emma’s friends plenty, and he remained to this day entirely grateful that Emma had found people like this to have in her life, but they had just narrowly evaded a whole drawn out conversation and he would have been heavily disappointed if he missed out on lunch with Emma.

“Quite a day we’re having,” Killian joked when they stepped outside and took a look at Elsa and Liam who were still standing down the way. Instead of interrupting though, they headed hand in hand in the other direction towards the diner.

“And it’s just getting started,” Emma quipped, bringing Killian’s eyes to her. “Come on, don’t pretend you weren’t going to ask to see me again tonight.”

Killian replied that he would never dare to tell such a lie as he brought Emma in closer and rejoiced in the fact that they both saw things the same way. And with that they set forth into what would no doubt be a glorious rest of the day, because they would spend most of it together with the promise of so much more to come.

Post-Note: In case any of you are looking for some insight into my writing process, I would say that for every typical chapter in a story I write I map about 50 percent of what I am going to do and then wing the rest of it when I finally sit down to write it. This chapter though was a little different. All I knew was I wanted Liam to be super nervous/cute/weird about confronting Elsa and for everyone else to watch and enjoy the fluffiness. This though all came from the heart and it has left me with lots of feels and a renewed love of this story. I hope that you guys enjoyed this fun little romp, and there will of course be more of this story coming soon. Thank you all for reading and I hope you have a great rest of your day!

[argotmagazine-blog]

Coming Out As Self Defense

Content Warning: Emotional Abuse

Photo Credit: Mark Fosh

[Image Description: a close-up of two coat of arms shields on the exterior facade of a gothic style building at Cambridge Uni] 

Coming out is a process, more than a destination. It took me a long time to learn this — a long time and a lot of new places. I spent most of 2017 as a temp, moving from office to office every three months. The introductory ritual was always the same. "Hello, my name is Waverly, I’m [covering for whoever/replacing whoever else/stepping into someone else’s life for a while], I used to sell books, I used to study literature, I used to have a girlfriend, would you like a cup of tea? No, no, it’s really okay. I’m already going to the kitchen."

(This is another thing you learn when temping: people can generally be bought with caffeinated drinks.)

Yet I have never had a girlfriend. Everyone I’ve dated has been non-binary, like me. But it’s easier to fluff the details — of your own identity, of others’. ‘Girlfriend’ is the protest sign I carry in upraised hands to each everyday coming-out. Sure, it lacks nuance, but nuance is for long-term projects, not short-term necessity. It’s there to make a point, the point being in this instance that I’ve never been heterosexual in my life. I want that to be absolutely goddamn clear.

What I mean to say is coming out is an act of self-protection every time I do it. It’s a piece of armor I’m always waiting to put on, a defense against assumption, a shield to deflect any casual, thoughtless harm. The thing is that it’s always worked. The first time I ever came out, I traded visibility, and thus vulnerability, for respite from an ongoing trauma — although that sounds much more directed than it felt at the time. In the moment, I felt like it was the sensible choice. Which is sort of hilarious, under scrutiny, with hindsight.

***

My father drives us all out for the day. He is proud of me in the ways he knows how to be proud of me, which are condescending at best and ferocious at worst. The atmosphere in the car is strange, colored by heat and traffic. I have learned to measure these things according to instinct and necessity; I am getting better all the time. My sister doesn’t speak. I put in my headphones — announce it to the assembled company so I have an excuse to keep quiet too. The faint strains of Radio 2 filter in through the music in my earbuds. The beats of the songs fail over and over to align.

I’m dressed smartly, which is to say I look somewhere close to presentable despite my complete incapacity with fashion and make-up. We are going to the council chambers and those are capital-F Fancy. I am representing my school and that is capital-I Important. I shake all the necessary hands. When I was five years old I took classes on all of these things — eye contact, quiet hands, the peacekeeping ritual of small talk — because it never occurred to me to do them without prompting. Now I am adept. Adults love me. Adults have loved me for years because I have talked like I am one of them since the age of maybe six.

I make my speech. It is all very pop-feminism, dancing in circles around the heart of a movement to which I came shamefully late. I overrun by ten seconds. This turns out to matter; a boy who speaks both engagingly and to time beats me to first place.

That isn’t why it matters. It wouldn’t matter to me if I were here by myself and if I were doing this only for me. But my family has been sticking to these leather-cushioned chairs for the past two hours, anticipating victory. They have grown accustomed to failure as a catalyst – not for reflection or renewal of efforts, but for something altogether more explosive. They came here for me, though I can’t imagine I wanted them to. Now they think they have to tiptoe around me in the wake of my loss. This is an effort. My father is not capable of walking on his toes.

(For a while my mother was a ballet teacher. She made sure that my sister and I were taught the basics, and though we both dropped out of our Saturday classes in the end, what I learned has never quite left me. Even nearly two decades on, I remember the list of positions, one-two-three-four-five; the tension in my calves, the brittle arch of my arms as I balanced on the balls of my feet. Ageless, thoughtless reflexes inhabit my body, ghosts in a haunted house. You don’t outgrow what you learn that early on.)

We emerge from the council chambers into the light. My father wants to stay. "We could make the best of it," he says. "Go shopping. Have fun."

Nobody is in the mood for fun. I’m tired, overwhelmed. My sister has been quietly sulking all day. My mother can see the brittleness in my father's smile and knows better than to say what she means. Stuck in this deadlock, we limp around the shopping center for maybe half an hour. I’m out of emotional energy; I poured all of it into competition nerves or on-the-spot resilience. I don’t have it in me to soften the blow when he gives up and we duly troop back to the car.

"I am putting in my headphones," I say, as we start to descend through the grey concrete layers of the car park. Nobody really says anything back.

We’re halfway home when my father cracks. Was it something he said? Why is everyone so quiet? What has he done this time, he wants to know, and it falls on my mother to pacify him.  

"We’re fine," she says. "We’re just tired."  

"I’ve had my headphones in,” I add. “So I didn’t hear if you tried to talk to me. Did you try to talk to me?"

He did not try to talk to me.

My sister stares sullenly out of the window. I put my headphones back in. The silence resumes. We are all going to die in this suffocating car if I do not find a way to intervene.

At least that’s what it feels like. The man in the driver’s seat is a time bomb with a short fuse. Seconds left on the clock. I don’t have anything to cheer him up because I lost the goddamn competition. I don’t have a means to pacify him, because all my sensors are screaming danger and providing absolutely nothing more useful than that. I need a distraction. I need something big enough to command attention, something emotionally affecting enough to make fighting unconscionable for the rest of the afternoon.

My brain lands somewhere it would never have landed if it worked the way it should.

We pull up into the driveway; evacuate the car. I slip into the house before anyone else, take off my shoes, stow them away. I don’t feel my body anymore. I have stopped being a person and started being a purpose, which is not a skill that many sixteen-year-olds possess.

I climb the stairs, just a little way, enough for a height advantage on my father. I look into the mirror right opposite the staircase in my parents’ house. I used to get told off for looking into it too much like this was vanity. It wasn’t vanity. I was only ever trying to find a sense of object permanence, vis-a-vis my own presence in the world.  My reflection catches my eye as my parents crowd in the hallway, wiping their feet on the mat. It’s nothing to do with me at all, this funny-looking stranger in a smart sheath dress and a string of old pearls.

They’re starting for the kitchen. I take a breath.

"There’s something I want to tell you," I say, and they stop still in the doorway. There is a banister between them and me, neat white railings like bars. "I’m bisexual," I say. "I’ve known for a while."

And that is all it takes.

My father claims to have always known. My mother is startled, tripping over herself to tell me that of course, of course, it’s all right. All the tensions of our family outing are forgotten. The gesture does everything I need it to do, and I get genuinely, exceptionally lucky into the bargain. Nobody disowns me. Nobody screams. Nobody tells me I’m wrong. 

I climb the stairs quickly and quietly. My bedroom is blue and airy and light, and I wrap it around me like my very own cocoon. I lift the lid on my laptop and sit at my desk, where I always sit. I open my browser, click around, drift between mindless flash games while my feelings start to come back online. I don't know if I want to cry. When I reach for whatever it was that presented the question, my hand closes on empty air; there’s a concept, but without the language with which to express it, I might as well be trying to hold onto smoke.

My mother taps at the door. "Come in," I tell her.

She puts her head around the frame, tousle-haired and owl-eyed and ever so careful. "I’m sorry," she says. There’s a terrible self-discipline underpinning it all; the steadiness of her hands, the studied calm of her voice. She’s en pointe. I learned from the best. "It’s such a lot to take in, and it’s hard to know how to respond in the heat of the moment. But I don’t want you to think I’m unhappy because I’m not. I’m so happy you felt you could tell us. You know I love you, don’t you?"

The first time I saw my mother cry, it was after a fight at the dinner table. My father took a chair and threw it to the floor, stormed up the stairs while the three of us drowned in our own horrified silence. I crept upstairs to bed, later on, while she sobbed in the kitchen with my father’s hand on her shoulder. "You shouldn’t call them stupid. They’re very intelligent little girls," she said, tears streaming down her face. We were children. For days after the fact, he was so kind to us, overflowing with energy and laughter.

"I know," I say, and look down at my hands on the keyboard. "I love you too."

***

I am still in contact with my parents. Every few months, for a few hours at a time, they come to visit me in the city where I live. It is a compromise that feels very similar to coming out; it staves off a reckoning for just a little longer, and the only thing it costs me is another piece of myself. I stumble between encounters and I hope for a solution that won’t demand anything more from me. My mother did the same for decades of marriage, and she is still there, still hoping.

"It’s hard to know how to respond," she said, "in the heat of the moment." She was right. I’m like a plant, choked and stunted into a shape it can’t sustain. Sure, I can read a room in a heartbeat, and I can curtail an imminent danger faster than anyone I know, but I’ve spent my life watching every entrance and exit for any hint of trouble, and I’m exhausted. Self-acceptance is one thing. Throwing out scraps of my identity like signal flares – look over here, don’t go that way – is something else entirely. It’s an act of self-defense against the threat of harm, however ignorant and however reflexive that harm might be, and it works so terribly well that I might never be able to stop. One day there won’t be any diversions left. More to the point, there won’t be anything of me.

I don’t identify with ‘bisexual’ anymore. I go with ‘queer’ where possible; in spaces where it’s not, I opt for ‘gay’ instead. No matter what, I am always waiting for someone to notice the quiet elision of my gender. Then there are the words with which I’ve been diagnosed, the words I am still slowly attempting to interrogate. Dysthymia, depression, anxiety, trauma. All any of it means is that I don’t feel things the way I should. 

But the words matter, don’t they? We bargain with the world for what little respite we can get. We put names to what we are and hope it forestalls the inevitable, whatever our inevitable might be. There’s protection in systems; there’s some small, bitter self-defense in every compromise we make.

Coming out, compromising, coping – the process defeats me over and over, and there might never be a destination. I don’t know what the answer could be. I can only hope that there’s meaning in the effort to articulate the question.

Waverly SM survived a Cambridge education and ran away to a bookshop in Oxford, disappointing their parents and most of their teachers. Their hobbies include staring into space, thinking about ghosts, and masking existential dread with blue hair dye. They’re working on a book about a world-devouring god, its chosen prophets, and their efforts to reclaim their agency in the face of the apocalypse. They’re regrettably active on Twitter, and a selection of their essays and poetry can be found on Medium.

[cynthiajayusa]

Broadway Across Palm Beach

The Raymond F KRAVIS CENTER FOR THE PERFORMING ARTS Announces Kravis On Broadway’s 10th Anniversary Season Featuring Seven Blockbuster Hits in 2017/2018 Including Multiple Tony Award® Winners & Kravis Center Debuts. They are: Rodgers & Hammerstein’s THE KING AND I (November 7-12, 2017); THE BOOK OF MORMON (November 21-26, 2017); FINDING NEVERLAND (January 2-7, 2018); CABARET (February 6-11, 2018); THE ILLUSIONISTS Live From Broadway (March 6-11, 2018); THE BODYGUARD (April 10-15, 2018); SOMETHING ROTTEN! (May 1-6, 2018), and Coming to the 2018/2019 Kravis On Broadway Season Disney’s THE LION KING.

(Photo: The Book of Mormon / Joan Marcus)

Lee Bell, the Kravis Center’s Senior Director of Programming said: “2017/2018 marks the Tenth Anniversary of Kravis On Broadway, and this spectacular season features seven not-to-missed shows including six making their Kravis On Broadway debut and the return of the Tony Award® winning Best Musical, THE BOOK OF MORMON, which sold out during its first Kravis Center run in December 2014.”

The 2017/2018 Kravis On Broadway series includes:

Rodgers & Hammerstein’s THE KING AND I

November 7-12, 2017

Two worlds collide in the Lincoln Center Theater production of this “breathtaking and exquisite” (The New York Times) musical, directed by Bartlett Sher. One of Rodgers & Hammerstein’s finest works, THE KING AND I boasts a score that features such beloved classics as “Getting To Know You,” “I Whistle a Happy Tune,” “Hello Young Lovers,” “Shall We Dance” and “Something Wonderful.” Set in 1860’s Bangkok, the musical tells the story of the unconventional and tempestuous relationship that develops between the King of Siam and Anna Leonowens, a British schoolteacher whom the modernist King, in an imperialistic world, brings to Siam to teach his many wives and children. Winner of the 2015 Tony Award® for Best Musical Revival, THE KING AND I is “too beautiful to miss” (New York Magazine).

THE BOOK OF MORMON

November 21-26, 2017

The New York Times calls it “the best musical of the century.” The Washington Post says, “It is the kind of evening that restores your faith in musicals.” And Entertainment Weekly says, “Grade A: the funniest musical of all time.” Jimmy Fallon of The Tonight Show calls it “Genius. Brilliant. Phenomenal.” It’s THE BOOK OF MORMON, the nine-time Tony Award®-winning Best Musical. This outrageous musical comedy follows the misadventures of a mismatched pair of missionaries, sent halfway across the world to spread the Good Word. Now with standing room only productions in London, on Broadway, and across North America, THE BOOK OF MORMON has truly become an international sensation. Contains Explicit Language.

FINDING NEVERLAND

January 2-7, 2018

The winner of Broadway.com’s Audience Choice Award for Best Musical, this breathtaking smash “captures the kid-at-heart,” says TIME Magazine. Vogue cheers, “It’s a must-see you’ll remember for years to come!” Directed by visionary Tony®-winner Diane Paulus and based on the critically-acclaimed Academy Award® winning film, FINDING NEVERLAND tells the incredible story behind one of the world’s most beloved characters: Peter Pan. Playwright J.M. Barrie struggles to find inspiration until he meets four young brothers and their beautiful widowed mother. Spellbound by the boys’ enchanting make-believe adventures, he sets out to write a play that will astound London theatergoers. With a little bit of pixie dust and a lot of faith, Barrie takes this monumental leap, leaving his old world behind for Neverland, where nothing is impossible and the wonder of childhood lasts forever. The magic of Barrie’s classic tale springs spectacularly to life in this heartwarming theatrical event. FINDING NEVERLAND is “far and away the best musical of the year!” (NPR).

CABARET

February 6-11, 2018

Based on Roundabout Theatre Company’s Tony Award®-winning production, Sam Mendes (Skyfall, American Beauty) and Rob Marshall’s (Into the Woods and Chicago, the films), CABARET comes to the Kravis Center. Welcome to the infamous Kit Kat Klub, where the Emcee, Sally Bowles and a raucous ensemble take the stage nightly to tantalize the crowd – and to leave their troubles outside. But as life in pre-WWII Germany grows more and more uncertain, will the decadent allure of Berlin nightlife be enough to get them through their dangerous times? Come hear some of the most memorable songs in theatre history, including “Cabaret,” “Willkommen” and “Maybe This Time.” Leave your troubles outside – life is beautiful at CABARET, John Kander, Fred Ebb and Joe Masteroff’s Tony-winning musical about following your heart while the world loses its way.

THE ILLUSIONISTS: Live from Broadway

March 6-11, 2018

Hailed as “a high-tech magic extravaganza” by The New York Times, this mind blowing spectacular showcases the jaw dropping talents of five of the most incredible Illusionists on earth. THE ILLUSIONISTS – Live From Broadway has shattered box office records across the globe and dazzles audiences of all ages with a powerful mix of the most outrageous and astonishing acts ever to be seen on stage. This non-stop show is packed with thrilling and sophisticated magic of unprecedented proportions. Direct from Broadway, this is the world’s best-selling magic show.

THE BODYGUARD

April 10-15, 2018

Based on the smash hit film, the award-winning musical will star Grammy® Award-nominee and R&B superstar Deborah Cox. Former Secret Service agent turned bodyguard, Frank Farmer, is hired to protect superstar Rachel Marron from an unknown stalker. Each expects to be in charge; what they don’t expect is to fall in love. A breathtakingly romantic thriller, THE BODYGUARD features a host of irresistible classics including “Queen of the Night,” “So Emotional,” “One Moment in Time,” “Saving All My Love,” “Run to You,” “I Have Nothing,” “I Wanna Dance with Somebody” and one of the biggest selling songs of all time – “I Will Always Love You.”  Based on Lawrence Kasdan’s Oscar-nominated Warner Bros. film and adapted by Academy Award- winner (Birdman) Alexander Dinelaris, THE BODYGUARD had its world premiere in London’s West End where it was nominated for four Laurence Olivier Awards including Best New Musical and won Best New Musical at the Whatsonstage Awards. The Southern Daily Echo raved, “It started with a gunshot and kept us on the edge of our seats from the outset. Exciting, thrilling, uplifting, moving – THE BODYGUARD is a truly exceptional show! … A five gold star-winning show. Miss it at your peril!”

SOMETHING ROTTEN!

May 1-6, 2018

Welcome to the ’90s — the 1590s — long before the dawn of premium tickets, star casting and reminders to turn off your cell phones. Brothers Nick and Nigel Bottom are desperate to write a hit play but are stuck in the shadow of that Renaissance rock star known as “The Bard”. When a local soothsayer foretells that the future of theatre involves singing, dancing and acting at the same time, Nick and Nigel set out to write the world’s very first MUSICAL! But amidst the scandalous excitement of Opening Night, the Bottom Brothers realize that reaching the top means being true to thine own self … and all that jazz. With its heart on its ruffled sleeve and sequins in its soul, SOMETHING ROTTEN! is an uproarious dose of pure Broadway fun and an irresistible ode to musicals — those dazzling creations that entertain us, inspire us, and remind us that everything’s better with an exclamation point! From the director of Aladdin and the co-director of The Book of Mormon, SOMETHING ROTTEN! is “Broadway’s big, fat hit!” (NY Post). 

And Coming to the 2018/2019 Kravis On Broadway Season Disney’s THE LION KING

More than 90 million people around the world have experienced the phenomenon of Disney’s THE LION KING, and now you can, too, when the world’s best-loved musical comes to the Kravis Center for the first time. Winner of six Tony Awards®, including Best Musical, this landmark musical event brings together one of the most imaginative creative teams on Broadway.  Tony Award®-winning director Julie Taymor brings to life a story filled with hope and adventure set against an amazing backdrop of stunning visuals.  THE LION KING also features some of Broadway’s most recognizable music, crafted by Tony Award®-winning artists Elton John and Tim Rice. There is simply nothing else like Disney’s THE LION KING.

The best way to ensure being first in line to order tickets to Disney’s THE LION KING at the Kravis Center during the 2018/2019 season is to remain or become a subscriber to the Kravis On Broadway 2017/2018 season.

How to Get Tickets to Kravis On Broadway 2017/2018: Subscribers for the Kravis On Broadway series will receive their renewals in early March. Kravis Center donors will receive information on becoming a Kravis On Broadway subscriber for the 2017-2018 series mid May, and subscriptions will go on sale to the general public in June. For more information about becoming a donor, log on to kravis.org/membership, or call (561) 651-4320.

For information about purchasing a subscription to Kravis On Broadway 2017/2018, contact the Kravis Center box office at (561) 832-7469 or (800) 572-8471, or log on to www.Kravis.org/broadwayseason.

For group sales contact Teri Reid at (561) 651-4438 or treid@kravis.org or Karen Farruggia at (561) 651-4304 or Farruggia@kravis.org.

About the Raymond F. Kravis Center for the Performing Arts:

Celebrating 25 Seasons of Success, Thanks To The Community: This season, the Raymond F. Kravis Center for the Performing Arts celebrates a Quarter-Century on Stage.  And while we celebrate our silver anniversary, we renew our commitment to the community to present the gold standard of excellence in the performing arts.

Today, the Kravis Center is a thriving cultural complex, serving as the gateway to downtown West Palm Beach. Thanks to so many who have and continue to support the Center; it has become one of the premier performing arts centers with a renowned national and international reputation.

The Kravis Center is a not-for-profit performing arts center whose mission is to enhance the quality of life in Palm Beach County by presenting a diverse schedule of national and international artists and companies of the highest quality; by offering comprehensive arts education programs; by providing a Palm Beach County home in which local and regional arts organizations can showcase their work; and by providing an economic catalyst and community leadership in West Palm Beach, supporting efforts to increase travel and tourism to Palm Beach County. The Kravis Center is located at 701 Okeechobee Blvd. in West Palm Beach, FL. For more information, please call 561-832-7469 or visit the official website at http://www.kravis.org/.

  source https://hotspotsmagazine.com/2017/08/24/broadway-across-palm-beach/ from Hot Spots Magazine http://hotspotsmagazin.blogspot.com/2017/08/broadway-across-palm-beach.html

[demitgibbs]

Broadway Across Palm Beach

The Raymond F KRAVIS CENTER FOR THE PERFORMING ARTS Announces Kravis On Broadway’s 10th Anniversary Season Featuring Seven Blockbuster Hits in 2017/2018 Including Multiple Tony Award® Winners & Kravis Center Debuts. They are: Rodgers & Hammerstein’s THE KING AND I (November 7-12, 2017); THE BOOK OF MORMON (November 21-26, 2017); FINDING NEVERLAND (January 2-7, 2018); CABARET (February 6-11, 2018); THE ILLUSIONISTS Live From Broadway (March 6-11, 2018); THE BODYGUARD (April 10-15, 2018); SOMETHING ROTTEN! (May 1-6, 2018), and Coming to the 2018/2019 Kravis On Broadway Season Disney’s THE LION KING.

(Photo: The Book of Mormon / Joan Marcus)

Lee Bell, the Kravis Center’s Senior Director of Programming said: “2017/2018 marks the Tenth Anniversary of Kravis On Broadway, and this spectacular season features seven not-to-missed shows including six making their Kravis On Broadway debut and the return of the Tony Award® winning Best Musical, THE BOOK OF MORMON, which sold out during its first Kravis Center run in December 2014.”

The 2017/2018 Kravis On Broadway series includes:

Rodgers & Hammerstein’s THE KING AND I

November 7-12, 2017

Two worlds collide in the Lincoln Center Theater production of this “breathtaking and exquisite” (The New York Times) musical, directed by Bartlett Sher. One of Rodgers & Hammerstein’s finest works, THE KING AND I boasts a score that features such beloved classics as “Getting To Know You,” “I Whistle a Happy Tune,” “Hello Young Lovers,” “Shall We Dance” and “Something Wonderful.” Set in 1860’s Bangkok, the musical tells the story of the unconventional and tempestuous relationship that develops between the King of Siam and Anna Leonowens, a British schoolteacher whom the modernist King, in an imperialistic world, brings to Siam to teach his many wives and children. Winner of the 2015 Tony Award® for Best Musical Revival, THE KING AND I is “too beautiful to miss” (New York Magazine).

THE BOOK OF MORMON

November 21-26, 2017

The New York Times calls it “the best musical of the century.” The Washington Post says, “It is the kind of evening that restores your faith in musicals.” And Entertainment Weekly says, “Grade A: the funniest musical of all time.” Jimmy Fallon of The Tonight Show calls it “Genius. Brilliant. Phenomenal.” It’s THE BOOK OF MORMON, the nine-time Tony Award®-winning Best Musical. This outrageous musical comedy follows the misadventures of a mismatched pair of missionaries, sent halfway across the world to spread the Good Word. Now with standing room only productions in London, on Broadway, and across North America, THE BOOK OF MORMON has truly become an international sensation. Contains Explicit Language.

FINDING NEVERLAND

January 2-7, 2018

The winner of Broadway.com’s Audience Choice Award for Best Musical, this breathtaking smash “captures the kid-at-heart,” says TIME Magazine. Vogue cheers, “It’s a must-see you’ll remember for years to come!” Directed by visionary Tony®-winner Diane Paulus and based on the critically-acclaimed Academy Award® winning film, FINDING NEVERLAND tells the incredible story behind one of the world’s most beloved characters: Peter Pan. Playwright J.M. Barrie struggles to find inspiration until he meets four young brothers and their beautiful widowed mother. Spellbound by the boys’ enchanting make-believe adventures, he sets out to write a play that will astound London theatergoers. With a little bit of pixie dust and a lot of faith, Barrie takes this monumental leap, leaving his old world behind for Neverland, where nothing is impossible and the wonder of childhood lasts forever. The magic of Barrie’s classic tale springs spectacularly to life in this heartwarming theatrical event. FINDING NEVERLAND is “far and away the best musical of the year!” (NPR).

CABARET

February 6-11, 2018

Based on Roundabout Theatre Company’s Tony Award®-winning production, Sam Mendes (Skyfall, American Beauty) and Rob Marshall’s (Into the Woods and Chicago, the films), CABARET comes to the Kravis Center. Welcome to the infamous Kit Kat Klub, where the Emcee, Sally Bowles and a raucous ensemble take the stage nightly to tantalize the crowd – and to leave their troubles outside. But as life in pre-WWII Germany grows more and more uncertain, will the decadent allure of Berlin nightlife be enough to get them through their dangerous times? Come hear some of the most memorable songs in theatre history, including “Cabaret,” “Willkommen” and “Maybe This Time.” Leave your troubles outside – life is beautiful at CABARET, John Kander, Fred Ebb and Joe Masteroff’s Tony-winning musical about following your heart while the world loses its way.

THE ILLUSIONISTS: Live from Broadway

March 6-11, 2018

Hailed as “a high-tech magic extravaganza” by The New York Times, this mind blowing spectacular showcases the jaw dropping talents of five of the most incredible Illusionists on earth. THE ILLUSIONISTS – Live From Broadway has shattered box office records across the globe and dazzles audiences of all ages with a powerful mix of the most outrageous and astonishing acts ever to be seen on stage. This non-stop show is packed with thrilling and sophisticated magic of unprecedented proportions. Direct from Broadway, this is the world’s best-selling magic show.

THE BODYGUARD

April 10-15, 2018

Based on the smash hit film, the award-winning musical will star Grammy® Award-nominee and R&B superstar Deborah Cox. Former Secret Service agent turned bodyguard, Frank Farmer, is hired to protect superstar Rachel Marron from an unknown stalker. Each expects to be in charge; what they don’t expect is to fall in love. A breathtakingly romantic thriller, THE BODYGUARD features a host of irresistible classics including “Queen of the Night,” “So Emotional,” “One Moment in Time,” “Saving All My Love,” “Run to You,” “I Have Nothing,” “I Wanna Dance with Somebody” and one of the biggest selling songs of all time – “I Will Always Love You.”  Based on Lawrence Kasdan’s Oscar-nominated Warner Bros. film and adapted by Academy Award- winner (Birdman) Alexander Dinelaris, THE BODYGUARD had its world premiere in London’s West End where it was nominated for four Laurence Olivier Awards including Best New Musical and won Best New Musical at the Whatsonstage Awards. The Southern Daily Echo raved, “It started with a gunshot and kept us on the edge of our seats from the outset. Exciting, thrilling, uplifting, moving – THE BODYGUARD is a truly exceptional show! … A five gold star-winning show. Miss it at your peril!”

SOMETHING ROTTEN!

May 1-6, 2018

Welcome to the ’90s — the 1590s — long before the dawn of premium tickets, star casting and reminders to turn off your cell phones. Brothers Nick and Nigel Bottom are desperate to write a hit play but are stuck in the shadow of that Renaissance rock star known as “The Bard”. When a local soothsayer foretells that the future of theatre involves singing, dancing and acting at the same time, Nick and Nigel set out to write the world’s very first MUSICAL! But amidst the scandalous excitement of Opening Night, the Bottom Brothers realize that reaching the top means being true to thine own self … and all that jazz. With its heart on its ruffled sleeve and sequins in its soul, SOMETHING ROTTEN! is an uproarious dose of pure Broadway fun and an irresistible ode to musicals — those dazzling creations that entertain us, inspire us, and remind us that everything’s better with an exclamation point! From the director of Aladdin and the co-director of The Book of Mormon, SOMETHING ROTTEN! is “Broadway’s big, fat hit!” (NY Post). 

And Coming to the 2018/2019 Kravis On Broadway Season Disney’s THE LION KING

More than 90 million people around the world have experienced the phenomenon of Disney’s THE LION KING, and now you can, too, when the world’s best-loved musical comes to the Kravis Center for the first time. Winner of six Tony Awards®, including Best Musical, this landmark musical event brings together one of the most imaginative creative teams on Broadway.  Tony Award®-winning director Julie Taymor brings to life a story filled with hope and adventure set against an amazing backdrop of stunning visuals.  THE LION KING also features some of Broadway’s most recognizable music, crafted by Tony Award®-winning artists Elton John and Tim Rice. There is simply nothing else like Disney’s THE LION KING.

The best way to ensure being first in line to order tickets to Disney’s THE LION KING at the Kravis Center during the 2018/2019 season is to remain or become a subscriber to the Kravis On Broadway 2017/2018 season.

How to Get Tickets to Kravis On Broadway 2017/2018: Subscribers for the Kravis On Broadway series will receive their renewals in early March. Kravis Center donors will receive information on becoming a Kravis On Broadway subscriber for the 2017-2018 series mid May, and subscriptions will go on sale to the general public in June. For more information about becoming a donor, log on to kravis.org/membership, or call (561) 651-4320.

For information about purchasing a subscription to Kravis On Broadway 2017/2018, contact the Kravis Center box office at (561) 832-7469 or (800) 572-8471, or log on to www.Kravis.org/broadwayseason.

For group sales contact Teri Reid at (561) 651-4438 or treid@kravis.org or Karen Farruggia at (561) 651-4304 or Farruggia@kravis.org.

About the Raymond F. Kravis Center for the Performing Arts:

Celebrating 25 Seasons of Success, Thanks To The Community: This season, the Raymond F. Kravis Center for the Performing Arts celebrates a Quarter-Century on Stage.  And while we celebrate our silver anniversary, we renew our commitment to the community to present the gold standard of excellence in the performing arts.

Today, the Kravis Center is a thriving cultural complex, serving as the gateway to downtown West Palm Beach. Thanks to so many who have and continue to support the Center; it has become one of the premier performing arts centers with a renowned national and international reputation.

The Kravis Center is a not-for-profit performing arts center whose mission is to enhance the quality of life in Palm Beach County by presenting a diverse schedule of national and international artists and companies of the highest quality; by offering comprehensive arts education programs; by providing a Palm Beach County home in which local and regional arts organizations can showcase their work; and by providing an economic catalyst and community leadership in West Palm Beach, supporting efforts to increase travel and tourism to Palm Beach County. The Kravis Center is located at 701 Okeechobee Blvd. in West Palm Beach, FL. For more information, please call 561-832-7469 or visit the official website at http://www.kravis.org/.

from Hotspots! Magazine https://hotspotsmagazine.com/2017/08/24/broadway-across-palm-beach/ from Hot Spots Magazine https://hotspotsmagazine.tumblr.com/post/164562328695

[hotspotsmagazine]

Broadway Across Palm Beach

The Raymond F KRAVIS CENTER FOR THE PERFORMING ARTS Announces Kravis On Broadway’s 10th Anniversary Season Featuring Seven Blockbuster Hits in 2017/2018 Including Multiple Tony Award® Winners & Kravis Center Debuts. They are: Rodgers & Hammerstein’s THE KING AND I (November 7-12, 2017); THE BOOK OF MORMON (November 21-26, 2017); FINDING NEVERLAND (January 2-7, 2018); CABARET (February 6-11, 2018); THE ILLUSIONISTS Live From Broadway (March 6-11, 2018); THE BODYGUARD (April 10-15, 2018); SOMETHING ROTTEN! (May 1-6, 2018), and Coming to the 2018/2019 Kravis On Broadway Season Disney’s THE LION KING.

(Photo: The Book of Mormon / Joan Marcus)

Lee Bell, the Kravis Center’s Senior Director of Programming said: “2017/2018 marks the Tenth Anniversary of Kravis On Broadway, and this spectacular season features seven not-to-missed shows including six making their Kravis On Broadway debut and the return of the Tony Award® winning Best Musical, THE BOOK OF MORMON, which sold out during its first Kravis Center run in December 2014.”

The 2017/2018 Kravis On Broadway series includes:

Rodgers & Hammerstein’s THE KING AND I

November 7-12, 2017

Two worlds collide in the Lincoln Center Theater production of this “breathtaking and exquisite” (The New York Times) musical, directed by Bartlett Sher. One of Rodgers & Hammerstein’s finest works, THE KING AND I boasts a score that features such beloved classics as “Getting To Know You,” “I Whistle a Happy Tune,” “Hello Young Lovers,” “Shall We Dance” and “Something Wonderful.” Set in 1860’s Bangkok, the musical tells the story of the unconventional and tempestuous relationship that develops between the King of Siam and Anna Leonowens, a British schoolteacher whom the modernist King, in an imperialistic world, brings to Siam to teach his many wives and children. Winner of the 2015 Tony Award® for Best Musical Revival, THE KING AND I is “too beautiful to miss” (New York Magazine).

THE BOOK OF MORMON

November 21-26, 2017

The New York Times calls it “the best musical of the century.” The Washington Post says, “It is the kind of evening that restores your faith in musicals.” And Entertainment Weekly says, “Grade A: the funniest musical of all time.” Jimmy Fallon of The Tonight Show calls it “Genius. Brilliant. Phenomenal.” It’s THE BOOK OF MORMON, the nine-time Tony Award®-winning Best Musical. This outrageous musical comedy follows the misadventures of a mismatched pair of missionaries, sent halfway across the world to spread the Good Word. Now with standing room only productions in London, on Broadway, and across North America, THE BOOK OF MORMON has truly become an international sensation. Contains Explicit Language.

FINDING NEVERLAND

January 2-7, 2018

The winner of Broadway.com’s Audience Choice Award for Best Musical, this breathtaking smash “captures the kid-at-heart,” says TIME Magazine. Vogue cheers, “It’s a must-see you’ll remember for years to come!” Directed by visionary Tony®-winner Diane Paulus and based on the critically-acclaimed Academy Award® winning film, FINDING NEVERLAND tells the incredible story behind one of the world’s most beloved characters: Peter Pan. Playwright J.M. Barrie struggles to find inspiration until he meets four young brothers and their beautiful widowed mother. Spellbound by the boys’ enchanting make-believe adventures, he sets out to write a play that will astound London theatergoers. With a little bit of pixie dust and a lot of faith, Barrie takes this monumental leap, leaving his old world behind for Neverland, where nothing is impossible and the wonder of childhood lasts forever. The magic of Barrie’s classic tale springs spectacularly to life in this heartwarming theatrical event. FINDING NEVERLAND is “far and away the best musical of the year!” (NPR).

CABARET

February 6-11, 2018

Based on Roundabout Theatre Company’s Tony Award®-winning production, Sam Mendes (Skyfall, American Beauty) and Rob Marshall’s (Into the Woods and Chicago, the films), CABARET comes to the Kravis Center. Welcome to the infamous Kit Kat Klub, where the Emcee, Sally Bowles and a raucous ensemble take the stage nightly to tantalize the crowd – and to leave their troubles outside. But as life in pre-WWII Germany grows more and more uncertain, will the decadent allure of Berlin nightlife be enough to get them through their dangerous times? Come hear some of the most memorable songs in theatre history, including “Cabaret,” “Willkommen” and “Maybe This Time.” Leave your troubles outside – life is beautiful at CABARET, John Kander, Fred Ebb and Joe Masteroff’s Tony-winning musical about following your heart while the world loses its way.

THE ILLUSIONISTS: Live from Broadway

March 6-11, 2018

Hailed as “a high-tech magic extravaganza” by The New York Times, this mind blowing spectacular showcases the jaw dropping talents of five of the most incredible Illusionists on earth. THE ILLUSIONISTS – Live From Broadway has shattered box office records across the globe and dazzles audiences of all ages with a powerful mix of the most outrageous and astonishing acts ever to be seen on stage. This non-stop show is packed with thrilling and sophisticated magic of unprecedented proportions. Direct from Broadway, this is the world’s best-selling magic show.

THE BODYGUARD

April 10-15, 2018

Based on the smash hit film, the award-winning musical will star Grammy® Award-nominee and R&B superstar Deborah Cox. Former Secret Service agent turned bodyguard, Frank Farmer, is hired to protect superstar Rachel Marron from an unknown stalker. Each expects to be in charge; what they don’t expect is to fall in love. A breathtakingly romantic thriller, THE BODYGUARD features a host of irresistible classics including “Queen of the Night,” “So Emotional,” “One Moment in Time,” “Saving All My Love,” “Run to You,” “I Have Nothing,” “I Wanna Dance with Somebody” and one of the biggest selling songs of all time – “I Will Always Love You.”  Based on Lawrence Kasdan’s Oscar-nominated Warner Bros. film and adapted by Academy Award- winner (Birdman) Alexander Dinelaris, THE BODYGUARD had its world premiere in London’s West End where it was nominated for four Laurence Olivier Awards including Best New Musical and won Best New Musical at the Whatsonstage Awards. The Southern Daily Echo raved, “It started with a gunshot and kept us on the edge of our seats from the outset. Exciting, thrilling, uplifting, moving – THE BODYGUARD is a truly exceptional show! … A five gold star-winning show. Miss it at your peril!”

SOMETHING ROTTEN!

May 1-6, 2018

Welcome to the ’90s — the 1590s — long before the dawn of premium tickets, star casting and reminders to turn off your cell phones. Brothers Nick and Nigel Bottom are desperate to write a hit play but are stuck in the shadow of that Renaissance rock star known as “The Bard”. When a local soothsayer foretells that the future of theatre involves singing, dancing and acting at the same time, Nick and Nigel set out to write the world’s very first MUSICAL! But amidst the scandalous excitement of Opening Night, the Bottom Brothers realize that reaching the top means being true to thine own self … and all that jazz. With its heart on its ruffled sleeve and sequins in its soul, SOMETHING ROTTEN! is an uproarious dose of pure Broadway fun and an irresistible ode to musicals — those dazzling creations that entertain us, inspire us, and remind us that everything’s better with an exclamation point! From the director of Aladdin and the co-director of The Book of Mormon, SOMETHING ROTTEN! is “Broadway’s big, fat hit!” (NY Post). 

And Coming to the 2018/2019 Kravis On Broadway Season Disney’s THE LION KING

More than 90 million people around the world have experienced the phenomenon of Disney’s THE LION KING, and now you can, too, when the world’s best-loved musical comes to the Kravis Center for the first time. Winner of six Tony Awards®, including Best Musical, this landmark musical event brings together one of the most imaginative creative teams on Broadway.  Tony Award®-winning director Julie Taymor brings to life a story filled with hope and adventure set against an amazing backdrop of stunning visuals.  THE LION KING also features some of Broadway’s most recognizable music, crafted by Tony Award®-winning artists Elton John and Tim Rice. There is simply nothing else like Disney’s THE LION KING.

The best way to ensure being first in line to order tickets to Disney’s THE LION KING at the Kravis Center during the 2018/2019 season is to remain or become a subscriber to the Kravis On Broadway 2017/2018 season.

How to Get Tickets to Kravis On Broadway 2017/2018: Subscribers for the Kravis On Broadway series will receive their renewals in early March. Kravis Center donors will receive information on becoming a Kravis On Broadway subscriber for the 2017-2018 series mid May, and subscriptions will go on sale to the general public in June. For more information about becoming a donor, log on to kravis.org/membership, or call (561) 651-4320.

For information about purchasing a subscription to Kravis On Broadway 2017/2018, contact the Kravis Center box office at (561) 832-7469 or (800) 572-8471, or log on to www.Kravis.org/broadwayseason.

For group sales contact Teri Reid at (561) 651-4438 or treid@kravis.org or Karen Farruggia at (561) 651-4304 or Farruggia@kravis.org.

About the Raymond F. Kravis Center for the Performing Arts:

Celebrating 25 Seasons of Success, Thanks To The Community: This season, the Raymond F. Kravis Center for the Performing Arts celebrates a Quarter-Century on Stage.  And while we celebrate our silver anniversary, we renew our commitment to the community to present the gold standard of excellence in the performing arts.

Today, the Kravis Center is a thriving cultural complex, serving as the gateway to downtown West Palm Beach. Thanks to so many who have and continue to support the Center; it has become one of the premier performing arts centers with a renowned national and international reputation.

The Kravis Center is a not-for-profit performing arts center whose mission is to enhance the quality of life in Palm Beach County by presenting a diverse schedule of national and international artists and companies of the highest quality; by offering comprehensive arts education programs; by providing a Palm Beach County home in which local and regional arts organizations can showcase their work; and by providing an economic catalyst and community leadership in West Palm Beach, supporting efforts to increase travel and tourism to Palm Beach County. The Kravis Center is located at 701 Okeechobee Blvd. in West Palm Beach, FL. For more information, please call 561-832-7469 or visit the official website at http://www.kravis.org/.

  from Hotspots! Magazine https://hotspotsmagazine.com/2017/08/24/broadway-across-palm-beach/

[totallymotorbikes]

Skidmarks: Universal Truth? Lead photo by: Cesar Godoy Love of beauty is taste. The creation of beauty is art. —Ralph Waldo Emerson Here’s a sure way to get six conflicting opinions: put three motorcyclists in a room together and show them a photo of a bike. Some will love it, some will hate it, and then they start tearfully remembering all the bikes they used to have. Why did I ever sell my ’79 CB750K? That was the best bike ever! (No, it wasn’t.) I recently posted a photo of a particularly tasty Triumph TT custom on a local forum of a bike I loved from the moment I saw it. The builder, Spain’s Pepo Rosell, took the tough, brutal form of the blocky ’90s-vintage Triumph Legend TT and its three-cylinder motor, modernized it with Daytona 675 suspension and wheels and topped it off with a modified Suzuki Bandit gas tank (with old Laverda gas cap). The fairing and tailsection are vintage-racing bits, but I really like the custom monotube subframe that matches Triumph’s hulking monotube backbone frame. Rosell put “Rocket III” livery on it because… well, maybe just because F-you is why. Pepo likes it, and I like it too. Pepo Rosell’s clean-yet-brutish Triumph Legend TT-cum-BSA Rocket doesn’t have the universal appeal I thought it would have. Photos (top image and above): Cesar Godoy Not so the general public, though. The peanut gallery acknowledged it was sorta cool…but didn’t like it as much as I did. The seat was too stubby and looked uncomfortable, and the bike just lacked visual balance. But maybe the big sin for many was that it just didn’t look rideable. They missed the point, I thought! This is about aesthetics. For some more perspective, I headed down to Todd Chamberlin’s shop, Naked Moto in Hayward, California. Todd’s hardly some ordinary moto-shop owner – he worked for Polaris Industries’ Victory division, and though he lacks formal design training, he was closely involved in every phase of bringing Victory products to market, from clay mockup to manufacturing. He worked for four years alongside Michael Song on the Victory Vision and built a V92C roadracer (yes, for real), but most importantly, put a Ducati 900 mill into a DR-Z400 chassis, because somebody had to. That bike was stolen, and I wonder if the bike thief made it home unharmed and sane. Todd’s customizing skills are bona fide. His specialty is taking sportbikes – his favorites are SV650s and Honda CBR600F2s – and stripping them down to the essentials. When I asked him what he thought made a bike visually appealing, he wouldn’t talk about line or form or shapes – instead, he said it had to look like it would “run 20,000 miles before you have to do a major service.” Many in the general motorcycling public agree; a trained eye and brain, honed by many hours wasted towing, pushing or dragging stricken bikes to dealerships just knows if a bike looks tough and rideable, and you can spot the customs and factory designs that hew to that ethic. Back at the discussion forum, a rider named Russ wrote that “lightly modified bikes… add improvements to increase performance and usually the bike is well sorted.” That’s the only sort of “custom” he’s interested in: ones that look like you can ride them. Naked Moto’s Todd Chamberlin worked with designer David Song on the Victory CORE concept. That monocoque chassis is underneath the sculpted bodywork of the Victory Vision and Crossroads tourers, which do not have carved hardwood seats, don’t worry. When pressed, Todd told me that there “are no right choices” when it came to making bikes appealing. “You can’t build a universal bike – I’ve been trying for years – but if I did build one, it would be a naked supersport of some kind.” His perfect bike would be “cleaner: no fairings, no subframes, the seat just kind of floating out there.” And of course, it would run well, with long service intervals so you could ride and ride. Todd, like most customizers, can’t start with a totally clean sheet of paper, so I decided to talk to someone who had. Marc Fenigstein is the CEO of Alta motors, and if you haven’t heard of Alta, you will: it’s an American manufacturer, based near San Francisco International Airport, that builds competition-ready battery-electric motocrossers and supermotos that are also street legal. The company’s been around for a few years, like most automotive startups, but this is its first year of production. Alta Motors will unveil this Redshift ST concept at the One Moto show in February 2017. Again, I’d like to say I cornered Marc for a rare, exclusive interview as part of my relentless pursuit of world-class motojournalism. The truth is Marc lives a block from a restaurant that serves a hamburger with a doughnut for a bun, and I was hungry, so I invited him to join me. As we munched, I asked what made motorcycles appealing – and got a real education about some basic principles of moto-design. I told Marc how much I liked his company’s latest project, the Redshift ST. It’s a minimalist take on a street-tracker, with abbreviated bodywork and dirt-track style 19-inch wheels. Created by Alta co-founder and designer Jeff Sand, it’s a styling exercise showing what Alta could do with the basic platform. Like Rosell’s Triumph, the shape of the bike instantly grabbed me. That’s primarily because of something Marc and Jeff call “massing.” That refers to the basic proportion of the shapes, and Marc says “it’s the most important [element], and manufacturers get it wrong the most.” Compare the Ducati 916 superbike to Japanese superbikes of the same era – where the 916’s proportions look light and balanced, a Honda CBR900RR or Yamaha YZF1000R look bulky, hulking, “like a guy with short legs and a big torso.” They’re more like bulldogs than cheetahs, and bulldogs are cool, “but nobody associates them with going fast.” It’s the same for cruisers; the Japanese manufacturers as well as European ones seem to struggle with getting proportions just right, and even someone with limited motorcycle knowledge can spot a non-Harley cruiser from a block away. It just looks wrong. Fenigstein picked these two bikes – Yamaha’s new R1 (top) and MV Agusta’s F3 to illustrate the difference in Japanese and European motorcycle design. Also telling the story is “gesture,” the flowing lines that tell a visual story and give a sense of motion. Marc shows me an MV Agusta F3 as he makes his point. “Well done, it makes a bike look fast when it’s standing still and when done poorly, makes a bike look like it’s standing still when it’s going fast.” Gesturing guides the eye along the motorcycle without it getting lost or offended, and many American consumers have a tough time with modern Anime-inspired Japanese designs that shock the sensibilities with clanging Cubist features and distractions. Rounding out a motorcycle’s visual style is “detailing,” and that is where Alta has an edge, according to Marc. “Function comes first,” he tells me as we eye several doughnut-burgers headed to their doom. “There’s no room for flourish or excess for the sake of design.” Sand has a rare quality in a designer, as he knows manufacturing as well as design, specifying materials that he knows can be translated into practical, cost-effective end products. Japanese OEMs often use plastic covers and baubles to hide ugly parts or mimic the look of aluminum or steel. If you have to use plastic, says Marc, “design forms that are beautiful in plastic.” By manufacturing the part in the designer’s material, “Jeff’s final result is true, authentic. There isn’t a single part that’s trying to look like something it isn’t.” Oh boy. There’s that word: “authentic.” Hipsters have commoditized authenticity just for authenticity’s sake – my $400 Redwing boots and $250 Pendleton shirt show you I’m a real outdoor guy, even though I’m a marketing associate from Brooklyn – but motorcyclists actually need authenticity. A trained eye knows a thin seat will be uncomfortable for rides over 20 minutes, that you need fenders to avoid getting a skunk-like strip of mud down your back, and lights, turnsignals, mirrors and horns are more than just legalities – they keep you alive. So a bike doesn’t just have to look right: it has to look right to ride. After chatting with Marc and Todd, I understand that the naysayers didn’t like my pick because it simply didn’t look good to ride. And that may be the most important aesthetic of them all. Gabe Ets-Hokin is one of the principal deities of Hinduism, and the Supreme Being in its Vaishnavism tradition. He enjoys shattering worlds and plays jazz accordion. Skidmarks: Universal Truth? appeared first on Motorcycle.com.