#я очень надеюсь что каждую среду в аду ему вслух читают все существующие фанфики по долохов/соня

[mynameisemma]

I've been brainrotting about Sonya again (very shocking I know) and I decided to write down my thoughts to get rid of the worms in my head.

I think after 4+ years of hyperfixation I'm able to articulate my feelings on Sonya's ending better. I used to think what I felt was pity for her but now I understand it's actually frustration. I'm not mad Sonya didn't marry Nikolai (and given his occasional emotional coldness with the supposed "love of his life" I don't even want to know how he'd treat the woman he never really loved or appreciated) or Dolokhov or anyone. It's the fact that her mistreatment and emotional abuse by the Rostovs (which isn't even subtext you know; it's explicitly said that Sonya's obsession with sacrifices as the way to show her personal worth stems from her position in the Rostovs' household) given no sympathy narratively that makes me mad; it's the fact that Sonya is constantly compared to a pet animal (domestic cat) that makes me mad; it's the fact that Natasha calls her a sterile flower, a useless person in fact, and refuses her the right to feel things as deep and intense as Natasha herself or Marya would, despite the significant role Sonya played in paving these women's road to happiness, that makes me mad.

Yes, I'm aware Sonya's journey in the novel has its own messages and intentions but in my opinion they come across as this typical "if you're homeless just buy a house UwU" privileged view because a) the narrative, again, refuses to treat the fact how much Sonya's background of living in dependency on the people that have been neglecting her for the most part of her life shapes and maims her personality with any nuance and care (unlike Marya's story of abuse was treated) b) the things the narrative "accuses" and "punishes" her for are extremely dumb and hypocritical.

Like how the narrative implies that she's incapable of feeling emotions (or "poetic feelings" if you will) but earlier in the novel we see her overwhelmed with joy, happiness and even pride and it happens when Sonya doesn't think obsessively about the ways to show her gratitude to the Rostovs or actually receives some recognition from the person she loves. How shocking! (no, it's not).

Or how Natasha says Sonya lacks selfishness but the only time she is selfish and hurt and bitter she's punished for not being able to make genuine sacrifice and still hoping/wanting to be with the person she loves.

And what makes me want to rip my hair off is how Sonya strived for the whole novel to be recognised and seen, her character, her very core is about love, her story is about unrequited love. It's not knocking at the close door but throwing yourself against the wall — here I am, please, see me, notice me, I love you, I love you, I love you, I'm worthy of your love — and it's not her failure to win the love of the people she loves that is tragic and infuriating (Sonya refuses to accept this simple and yet painful truth that you can never be "enough" for people that don't love you, little does she know about unconditional love) but the way her silent misery is swept under the rug in-between this family utopia Tolstoy tries to create.

Because we aren't supposed to think too much about domestic cat's thoughts or feelings