#‘Let’s see. Eddie and Ronnie— was there any other death that Barry would blame himself for?… nope! don’t think so!’

[angst-is-love-angst-is-life]

Oop

[airsay58259]

A Flash fanfic: Mockingbird

Context: post Flash 3x16 and 17, the musical. It didn’t air but well, I only need to reference the singing and use the certainty that Barry will get his ass kicked a bit.

Happy birthday Ruth, aka frostyregal aka lobstromonos aka @roastytoastyprincesss (stop changing URLs??), my first friend in the Flash fandom, the immensely talented writer I one day harassed after she ended a chapter on a terrible, rude cliffhanger on ff.net and still became my friend more than two years ago. You always get the stories I never finish and only complain every now and then, so there you go. Started and finished this one for you. Love you :)

--

The Music Meister had been stopped and with this win, team Supergirl had gone home. Team Flash didn’t celebrate like they would have before. There was nothing to celebrate. Jay was trapped in a prison without walls, forced to relive his worst nightmares over and over again, paying for their mistakes.

The Wests left together, relieved Barry was safe and sound, but having their own wounds to heal now. From the hospital bed Caitlin had ordered him to spend the night in, Barry watched his friends leave one after the other, his brain not failing to remind him of the very same scene happening just a few days ago after he had lost Wally.

Caitlin hadn't left him then and Barry was happy to see her return after hugging Cisco goodnight.

“What a day”, Caitlin started as she entered the med bay again.

“Tell me about it”, the speedster whispered while instinctively touching his sore chest. “The Music Meister wasn’t lying, what happens in his dream world does not stay there.”

“Don’t you mean… sing me about it?” Caitlin asked with a straight face.

The teasing tone in her voice didn’t escape Barry. He shook his head with an amused smile, her laughter warming up the entire room. He couldn’t help but laugh as well. She always managed to make him laugh, no matter how terrible he felt.

“We both know it’s best if you stick to talking”, Barry shot back.

“Barry Allen!” Caitlin yelled offended and -gently- hitting his arm but leaving her hand there. “Let’s see how well you sing after I freeze you from head to toes”.

Barry raised both his hands in defeat, a smile on his face. It felt good to have fun. His smile turned into a grin as he recalled their karaoke together. Alcohol didn’t help her that night. He was curious to hear her singing sober one day.

His grin disappeared as fast as it had appeared. He had heard sing again. The dreadful memory of his recent time in the speed force took over his mind. Caitlin must have noticed his sudden distress as she quickly removed her hand from his arm and took a step back.

“I am so sorry Barry, I shouldn’t have joked about my powers and hurting you.” Caitlin started, clenching her fists at her own stupidity, but was quickly interrupted.

“No, no it wasn’t you. That was funny, I swear.” Barry reassured her. “I just remembered something and… and nevermind, I am fine. I promise. Thank you for making me feel better, even for a few seconds.” He punctuated his words with a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. Caitlin stared at him, her concern growing.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“Barry…”

The speedster sighed. He didn’t want to tell her about what he saw while in the speed force. She knew about Ronnie, that was more than enough.

“Barry, I know when you’re not telling me something.” Caitlin poked his shoulder. “Come on.”

“Cait,” he looked up to her, “you don’t… you don’t want to know, trust me.”

“I can see whatever it is, it’s eating you. And it’s about me. So how about we skip the battle we both know I’ll win and you tell me now?”

Barry shouldn’t have reacted the way he did, he should be better at hiding his emotions by now. This was on him. Now he could either lie and come up with a half-baked story or tell her about the speed force's vision and break her heart even more than it already is.

“Look,” Barry started, his voice shaken, “when the speed force was speaking to me through Ronnie… you were there. And you were singing.” Caitlin raised her eyebrows, encouraging him to continue after such an odd statement. He paused, pondering what his next words would be. “That’s it,” Barry lied, “and obviously you weren’t drunk so that’s where my mind went earlier.”

“Okay…” Caitlin wasn’t sure what to make of this revelation. “The speed force works in mysterious ways I guess. What was I singing?”

“Mockingbird song.” Barry’s mouth answered before his brain could do anything about it. Damn it, he thought.

“The lullaby…?” Caitlin asked, now utterly confused.

Barry considered speeding out of the room right there and then. Maybe running back in time to thirty seconds ago.

“Yes,” he admitted, defeated. “I didn’t… I didn’t want to tell you, Cait.” Barry stared into her eyes, begging her to back out but he realized she already understood. Of course she did, I wasn’t exactly subtle, Barry thought. He waited for her to say something, anything. She didn’t. He wasn’t sure if she was waiting for him to speak or if she was just lost in her thoughts. “Caitlin?” the speedster asked tentatively, raising a bit so he wasn’t lying on his back anymore. He winced at the pain but he didn’t care.

“You saw Ronnie and I was there too...” Barry had to lean in even more to hear Caitlin’s small voice, “with a baby?” she asked, her eyes finally meeting his. She wasn’t crying but Barry could see a single tear form in the corner of her eyes.

“Yes,” he stated, his heart heavy. He didn’t want to let the silence take over. “I don’t even understand why”, he started quickly, “every single person I saw in the speed force existed. Eddie, Snart, Ronnie, Joe and Iris, you…” Barry wanted her to say something. She didn’t. “The visions were just meant to mess with my mind, Cait. It doesn’t mean anything more.”

Caitlin suddenly took a couple of steps back from the bed, turned around and hurried out of the room, her hand covering her mouth. Barry stared at the door for a few seconds, debating following her or giving her space. Once again he caused her pain. It seemed like the only thing he knew how to do at this point.

Barry lied back on the bed and closed his eyes. He managed to drive away the one person who stayed by his side lately. Clenching his fists and gritting his teeth at the pain, he rolled himself out of bed and landed on his sore feet. Music Meister did a real number on him. However Barry didn’t care. Caitlin didn’t left him alone when he was at his worst, he wasn’t about to let her alone with the image of the family she could’ve had, if not for him. He started walking toward the one place he knew he’d find his friend.

Sure enough Caitlin was in the pipeline, her eyes red, tears rolling down her cheeks and her knees close to her chest, rocking herself. Barry’s heart broke a little more. He sat next to her in silence, his arms enveloping her. They stayed like for a little while, Barry wasn’t sure how long. Caitlin broke the silence.

“It wasn’t a trick to mess with your head,” she started without looking up to him.

“What?” Barry asked, confused.

“You said you didn’t understand the vision. Everyone you saw was alive at some point, right?”

“Yeah…”

Caitlin used her hand to wipe off the tears clouding her eyes and moved away from her friend’s embrace, just far enough so she could look at him in the eyes but not enough for Barry to remove the hand he had on her back. She opened her mouth to speak a few times but couldn’t get the words out. Barry didn’t understand but wasn’t about to rush her.

“The day we lost Ronnie and Eddie,” Caitlin started with a resolution she knew she wouldn’t be able to keep for long, “I lost someone else.”

Barry’s heart skipped a beat. His eyes went from staring into hers to her body. He quickly looked back up again, reading her unspoken words in her eyes.

“Cait…” his voice was deep. He didn’t know what to say.

“It’s okay,” she told him, her hand taking his. A little voice in Barry’s mind told him it should have been the other way around. “No one knew except Iris. We were together when it happened, I didn’t…” Caitlin paused, remembering the day both women had to choose coffins that'd remain empty. “I didn’t even know I was pregnant when the doctor told me why I was bleeding.”

“I’m so sorry, Cait.” Barry was crying. He knew he should say more but his mind was spinning, trying to remember the days that had followed his friends’ death. He had refused to see anyone, didn’t even attend Eddie’s public funeral or the one the group held secretly for Ronnie, a man already dead to the world.

“Don’t be.” Caitlin ordered more than she suggested. “I blamed myself and didn’t want anyone else to know. I barely allowed myself to think about it. It didn’t feel real, you know? I shoved that memory down so deep, gosh.”

Caitlin buried her face in Barry’s neck. He immediately wrapped his arms around her again. He wanted to tell her everything was going to be okay but they both knew it was a lie. All they could do was keep going, hoping things wouldn't don’t get worse. And so they silently wept together, thinking about the persons they lost and the ones they never got to know.

“She was beautiful.” Barry said after a while.

“What?” Caitlin asked, her voice broken. “She?”

“Yes. Beautiful like her mother.”

Caitlin smiled.

--

La fin.

Sorry for any typos I left. Will update when I post it to AO3/FF.net maybe. Joyeux anniversaire Ruth ! It’s still the 19th in France. #itcounts