#‘gaining a good fucking chunk of the ed weight back?’

[randomoranges]

hey hi hello bonjour salut là

so remember my olympic au??? well. i know it’s done, but like. i had this idea, you see, and i had it marinating for over a year. and so, i finally just - wrote the thing. and then i needed a title. and i couldnt think of it. until the silliest of titles came to mind. anyways.

ed’s still in the picture, he’s just not in this fic. but this is very much very mongary. caltreal. whatever. ça là.

can you believe, in 2023. amazing. im as shocked as you are.

Béké-bobo

 Étienne lets out a hiss of pain, followed by a curse and tries to yank his leg away from his tormentor. Calvin ignores the other’s protests but he does knead Étienne’s thigh a little more gently, even if there’s still a deep scowl on his face.

 “You overdid it.” He says and the again goes silent, even though they both hear it. “The doctor said to go easy and you overdid it.”

 Étienne sits up as much as he can on Calvin’s massage bench and leans back heavily on his arms. Calvin’s not wrong. He had overdone. He hadn’t meant to, but he had.

 “I got caught up in the moment...” Étienne admits. That isn’t a lie. He’d hit that ice with full swing and gusto. For the briefest of moments, he’d felt twenty-five years younger and at the peak of his youth and career. It had almost felt like – before.

 “And for what!? You don’t have anything to prove!”

 Étienne blinks, surprised that Calvin sounds – upset. Why would Calvin sound upset? It’s not his leg he’s gone and messed up (again). Plus, he’ll be fine in a few days if he actually takes it easy and doesn’t put too much weight on it.

 Calvin motions that he’s done and Étienne gingerly pulls his sweatpants back on and carefully hobbles off the massage bench and makes it to the couch. Calvin brings over the pouffe and helps him elevate his leg, before he hands him a bag of ice. His movements and attention are gentle, even if he still looks upset. Étienne feels like he’s eight again and being scolded for doing something his mother had advised him not to. It feels silly, considering he’s a grown man, but he can’t shake the feeling off.

 He watches as Calvin putters about, putting his things away and making the massage bench disappear, before he returns to the couch and sits next to him. Étienne scuttles closer, making himself small and waits for Calvin to motion to him that yes, he can still come and cuddle by his side. It takes a moment, during which Étienne starts to think that maybe Calvin won’t let him, but then, with a sigh, Calvin lifts his arm and motions for him to come over.

 Étienne doesn’t need to be told twice and he carefully manoeuvres himself over, leg still on the pouffe, until he has his head resting on Calvin’s chest and Calvin’s arms around his shoulders. It’s nice and cozy here, in his lover’s embrace, and the steady beating of Calvin’s heart quells the strum of anxiety that he fucked up something good that lives inside of him.

 “I wasn’t trying to prove anything,” He mumbles, face half buried in Calvin’s sweater. It’s easier if he speaks to the sweater, not having to read the disappointment and worry in Calvin’s usual kind eyes. He’s disappointed enough people in his life, he doesn’t need to add Calvin to the list.

 “Then why did you overdo it? The doctor gave you the clear only if you took it easy...” There’s less bite to it this time around, but the reprimand stings just as much.

 Étienne sighs and grows quiet, fiddling with the button on the sweater, trying to focus on Calvin’s sure hand on his back. It’s a nice and strong hand. Soft as well. Always warm. He wishes he could hold on to it at the moment. Kiss every knuckle until Calvin forgives him and they move on from this conversation.

 This had all started last summer, really. Or well, early spring.

 Étienne had gone for his annual check-up for his stupid leg and the doctor had mentioned there was a new type of surgery that could help give him some movement back. It wasn’t a miracle cure, but if done right, he would gain a good chunk of mobility and the day to day pain would diminish. He was a good candidate considering his overall good physical shape and the fact that he wasn’t too old.

 Étienne hadn’t even had to think about it. He was scheduled for the surgery a few weeks later.

 The surgery had gone as planned and there was nothing to say about his recovery. Étienne did notice the improvements almost right away and he’d felt like a new man. He still needed the brace every so often and he couldn’t exactly move his leg like a full able-bodied person, but there was progress and if it meant that he could get a few more good years out of his leg, then he would take them.

 Then, towards the end of his recovery, came the invite.

 It wasn’t the first time he received the invite, but every time he did, he had to turn it down.

 Every so often, the Devils invited former players to a charity game. The crowd got a chance to see some of their old favourite players and the guys got a chance to play together one more time. It was fun, it was for a good cause, and Étienne had always wanted to attend, but had never been able to, due to his injury.

 This time, however, he’d called the doctor to see if he could play. Even if just for one shift. They’d worked with his physical therapist and they’d both agreed, the doctor and the physical therapist, that if he didn’t overdo it, he could play.

 Jubilant, Étienne had accepted the invitation.

 “I guess I got caught up in the moment... of being back...” He finally says, lost in a myriad of different thoughts from what may as well be ten different lifetimes.

 “You know your worth isn’t based solely on what you did when you were playing hockey, right?”

 It stings a little, the way Calvin says it, as if he’s not grateful for the life he’s had, all things considered. “I’m very well aware, thanks, but – that’s where it all started for me. With those guys on that ice and to be able to go back to it... even for a little bit – it’s like – getting the closure I never got before. Finally saying good bye and thank you on my terms...”

 He’s given it a lot of thought, over the years, and has even talked about it in therapy. Sure, he’d made peace with his career in the NHL being cut short, but there had always been something missing – some old grievance that had never properly healed. It had all clicked when he’d accepted the invitation. As if finally, he was being offered the chance to write his grand finale his own way. Not necessarily redemption, but something akin to it.

 Calvin sighs again, “But you had Sledge, after. This feels like you’re saying that Sledge wasn’t enough.”

 Étienne sits up and looks at him, frowning. “Sledge saved me. Don’t kid yourself. Without Sledge I wouldn’t be here. Fuck, I owe my life to Sledge and I’ll never be able to thank them enough for what they did or what they mean to me.” He means it, every word of it. He’s sure he’s mentioned it to Calvin before, but if he’s alive today it’s because of sledge hockey.

 After the accident, he’d been in a bad place mentally. There’d been one too many times, during his initial recovery, where he’d contemplated killing himself, the miasma in his head too loud for him to trudge through.

 At the time, he was convinced that he would never get a chance to play again and that there was nothing left for him to do. He was stuck wallowing at home, while he tried to learn to walk again, wondering what the point of it was. It was during an especially difficult time when Mark, who was on the Sledge team at the time, came knocking on his door.

 Étienne had turned him down at least four times, but Mark was a persistent fellow who kept coming to see him, even when Étienne wanted nothing to do with him and eventually, he’d agreed to come and watch a game.

 He was hooked from that day on and he never took for granted the lifeline he’d been handed on that day. He’d clung to sledge hockey with every last shred of sanity and willpower and he’d clawed his way back to life.

 “But this group of guys... they were the first to accept me. They were the ones who let a queer guy play on their team and stood up for that same queer guy when others insulted him... I know it’s hard to understand, but for the first time – for that young twenty year old me – I felt welcomed and wanted. I had friends and people who had my back. It meant the world – it still means the world and suiting up again with them... I guess I just wanted to relive it all for a moment, just one more time... I’m sorry if I worried you,” He concludes with a sigh, still swimming in memories of before, overlapped with the game from yesterday. He doesn’t regret it, no, and he just hopes that Calvin will come to understand.

 Calvin sighs again, but he does pull him closer and presses a kiss to his forehead. “Of course I’m worried. I saw the way you skated off at the end of the game and I had to put up with you all of last night. You’ve suffered enough. I don’t want you to keep suffering when you don’t have to.” He’d suffered through worse, even before the accident, but Calvin worries easily. Especially when he does reckless things. Then again, Calvin had been worried about him even before they’d started seeing each other, when he’d been but a coach and Calvin the volunteer assigned to his locker room.

 His words warm up some dead part of his heart again and Étienne still doesn’t believe that for some odd reason, despite all the odds in the world, they’re still both here together.

 “It’s just a little twinge. It already hurts less, promise. And I know that I’m in good hands with you.” Calvin doesn’t look completely convinced, but he does relax a little. “If you want, I’m sure you can try and kiss it better. I’m pretty sure that’ll work as well.” He grins, a little more hopeful than playful, but it has its desired effect, when Calvin rolls his eyes, fond, and then wraps him in his arms before he presses a series of noisy kisses to his cheek.

 Étienne can’t help but laugh as he holds on to Calvin’s arms, feeling already much better.

 FIN

[stumbleintothesun]

Life Rant

For the few people in here...sorry lmao this is long as hell.

Lately I've been feeling like...garbage. I know there's no one on this place that really follows me, so this is me posting to the void.

I have been dealing with a lot of health issues related to my mental health and weight. I've gained nearly twenty pounds in a year, and no matter what I do my weight doesn't budge. I work out regularly, Ive been trying to eat better but...my only thought is its because I'm working a desk job now - which I fucking hate with a fury. And I know my weight isnt the end of the world - it just really, really fucks with my mental health. I've always felt ugly. The only time I didn't was when I was super thin which I know is problematic - and I know that's part of my mental health...like my aunt died from an ED. And my mom definitely had/has an ED even if she's gotten much better about it in the past few years...

And I'm finally getting my face to clear up after wearing these masks for a year - a year! But I'm still dealing with the healing process and I'm anxious it will scar. I've worked this entire pandemic at a job I *hate* just to you know, finally pay off my student loans just go back to school so maybe I can do something I love. But even at 25 and providing for myself, I hardly got any financial help. The only thing saving me is my grades that got me a decent transfer scholarship.

But the first school I applied to wanted my high school transcript, even though I have an associate's degree, and because I'm, frankly, stupid I somehow missed that they needed it. So they threw out my application that I spent an otherwise four hours writing for.

So I'm going to Eastern, which frankly will be better for my mental health, but they don't have a tuition free program. So I'm going to have to borrow money after just finally paying off my single year at a liberal arts college debt that I took on when I was 17 (it ended up being like 30k to pay off). And it's all because I didn't fucking read right. So much for being a good student, I guess.

But it wouldn't have mattered because they would've hardly taken any of my classes despite most of them being from down the road and for an associate's degree! And even Eastern is giving me a hard time, despite my degree they say I don't have the basic level biology course - my degree is biology focused! I'm going into ecology! I have taken genetics, conservation biology, anatomy and physiology, cellular biology but I don't have intro bio? So now I have to test out, on top of working full time. Which is fine, its a good refresher...I'm just so overwhelmed with life right now. I have a stack of over 100 flash cards and I'm just anxious.

This is a year after my partner went through an ugly break up with their old fiance (we were poly), and their ex was an abusive POS who once told them if they came out as anything other than their assigned gender, he wouldn't date them anymore. He gaslit them constantly, made them feel like hell. So we finally got out, but he wanted the house they got together or 10k. He made over double what they make - and he always forced them to pay half the bills, including half of his fucking protein bullshit because it was "groceries." He knew they didn't have the funds. Because our friends are amazing, we were able to buy him off but he left the house trashed.

It fucking sucked, and they were also responsible for getting his name off the house which meant a refinance that we could hardly afford. We got lucky we were able to do it, but they hardly got anything back for it. And it was a *nightmare*. We finally got it done, after pulling teeth and it took six months. Four months longer than they said. And that entire time they were forced to occasionally reach out to him, their old abuser.

Finally we were free, but then I started having further issues at work. Between the pandemic, and working in a heavily red area during the election, I cried a lot. I work in customer service and while I make okay money for the industry, I'm constantly burned out. My colleagues are okay, but it feels stupid to leave just to find a job for three months to go back to school. Then I started being short in my drawer (I'm a teller at a bank). The final straw was being short $500. Now I'm on a work plan, and if Im short again, I'm out. And it's my fault. I don't know how it has been happening. So now I'm always on edge at work, triple checking everything. And I could leave, I could get another job but there's no promise I'll make what I do now, and in order for me to pay for the chunk of school I need to, I have to put away a certain amount every month.

I do have a grant of sorts for 5k per semester to help with bills, which will alleviate a lot once August arrives. And I know I'm crazy lucky to have that. So sometimes I feel like such an asshole about it. But we have a house to pay for and bills to pay. Just like everyone else. Ugh, I don't know.

I talked to my doctor about my weight, came in with calorie intake numbers and how much I work out with zero change. I cut out pop entirely from drinking it every day. Nothing has helped. So we switched my meds from Lexapro to Wellbutrin to see if I lose weight because of that. Nope, just having more mental break downs, steady weight, and my resting heart rate is abnormally high, stopping me from making a little extra cash donating plasma. So now I'm switching back to Lexapro with nothing gained other than. You know. Feeling like shit. Next up? Birth control coming out of my arm. Don't really need it anyway. And maybe that will help? But I don't think so. I'm not sure what to do.

I am genuinely trying to be healthy, eating more whole foods. More veggies. More home cooked meals. I love to cook, I'm just tired. And sometimes the air fryer and oven baked frozen foods are too easy to pass up. I'm trying to always eat breakfast. I'm working out again, we have a gym membership but there are so many men there and I dont always feel comfortable, because my partner has been anemic and they can't go yet. So I use our bike in the living room and do home workouts.

But when I did this last time there was zero change in weight or anything. Even when I ate really, really clean for three weeks and worked out for most days, tracking calories and everything. Nothing changed. My thyroid is fine, we've already checked it. I'm just tired.

This past year, other than being with my partner has fucking sucked. And this doesn't even cover all the shit they've dealt with with switching to they/them and a name change. I love them so much, and love that they are finally comfy but their parents were assholes about it. And that matters. It does, and I get it. I just wish I could help them more. I wish we had a break, a breather for longer than a day. Even then I can't relax, I'm too on edge. There's too much to be done. I need to earn money, I need to clean, I need to focus. I need to be productive in some way to justify if I'm not working on those things. It's...all dumb.