#‘literally don’t even. you could draw a pentagram on this floor and sleep in the centre of it and nothing would happen’

[jeonsduck]

Everything Is Not What It Seems

A/N: First up for the Holidaze project is Haechan for Halloween! Yeah I know Halloween already passed but we’re doing it anyway!

Warnings: mentions of blood, demons, and witchcraft

“Haechan, sure you don’t want to come to the Halloween party with us? We could do matching outfits.” you tried again. 

Haechan had been your  boyfriend for a long time, and your best friend for even longer. You grew up on the same block, rode the same bus to school, and had even ended up at the same college together. And after all those years of friendship, you hadn’t spent a single holiday with Haechan. Sometimes on Easter or something he would come over and spend some time with your family, but things like Halloween and Christmas he always spent with his family, and only his family. Family was a bit of a loose term, because he was technically being raised by his two older cousins, Taeyong and Ten. Yeah it was weird, but what was weirder was the fact that you’d known Ten and Taeyong for nearly twenty years, and they never seemed to age a single day. Maybe they just had really good skincare routines or something.

This year you had kind of been hoping that after moving away to college (even though you were only in the next town over) that maybe Haechan would leave those traditions behind and you’d start spending the holidays together, but that didn’t seem to be the case. 

“Ten and Taeyong are expecting me to come home, you know how they are. Besides, isn’t it a bit late to get a costume?” he explained.

“Well then why don’t I come home with you?” you offered and Haechan shook his head vehemently.

“No, they’ll freak out if I bring someone over, especially you.” he said. 

“Hey, I have family back home too. Just drop me off at my place, I’ll visit my family, hand candy out to trick or treaters, see my pets. I could use a break from campus.” 

Haechan smiled at that and knocked his head against yours affectionately.

“Yeah that sounds great. We can go get breakfast Sunday morning before we head back.” 

“It’s a date.” You declared and Haechan chuckled before planting a quick kiss on your lips.

“I got class, but I’ll pick you up tomorrow morning around 10.” he says before walking off to hs lecture. 

You sigh, you had really been hoping to spend Halloween with your boyfriend this year. Oh well. You take out your phone to text Mark and tell him and the others that neither you nor Haechan will be attending his frat’s Halloween party. 

From: Marketh

He’s still going back home? What do Ten and Taeyong have that we don’t?

From: You

His allowance. I wonder what they do over there, because they don’t give out candy for trick or treaters.

From: Marketh

Maybe they’re super religious? 

From: You

You’re the one that went to 12 years of vacation Bible school, not Haechan. Besides, have you met Ten and Tae? They’re superstitious, sure but not religious. 

From: Marketh

You got me there.

From: Marketh

Lol, why don’t you sneak over tomorrow night and see what they’re doing?

From: You

Isn’t that like, stalking?

From: Marketh

….maybe, but it's for educational purposes so it’s ok.

You roll your eyes and put your phone away without replying. Maybe a little peek wouldn’t be too bad? Just to see what’s going on. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s  8:00 PM, you’re dressed like a cat burglar, and Haechan’s house is two lots away. It’s time to set your plan into action. Do you feel silly? Yes. Are you expecting to be caught? Also yes. But not before making an absolute fool of yourself trying to squeeze through the barely open window to Haechan’s bedroom. At least he still leaves it unlocked, even though you’re well past the days of sneaking into each other’s houses in the dead of night. Or in the process of passing, considering your current position. This would have been way easier without the salt piled up outside the window sill. You’d found it very weird, but brushed it off (quite literally) and continued with your object. Find out what Haechan and his cousins do on Halloween. 

The first thing you notice is that all the lights in the house are off. Maybe a horror movie marathon? But Taeyong is a certified wuss so that’s unlikely. You continue to creep through the house slowly, trying to avoid all the squeaky spots in the house. 

You finally see the others when you get to the living room. All of the furniture is moved out of the way, and the rug rolled out of the way. Tons of white candles cover nearly every surface, giving you enough flickering light to see what’s happening despite all the lights being off. There’s a large pentagram drawn on the living room floor is what smells overwhelmingly like blood. At each point of the star there’s another large white candle, illuminating the objects around the pentagram. Some herbs, some crystals and stones. A very sharp and ancient looking knife. 

Ten, Taeyong, and Haecha are all there, hands clasped around the pentagram and chanting in a mysterious language you don’t recognize. 

Their eyes are rolled back in their heads so you can only see the whites of them. Then the wind picks up in the room, like a small tornado is suddenly raging through the living room only. And Haechan is kind of just, levitating, as are a few random objects around him. One of which is a necklace with a glowing purple stone in the pendant. The whole room looks like a scene from a very weird and you’ve just about reached your limit with weird things happening when you feel… something behind you. You’re not sure what exactly, like a dark presence or just something wrong breathing down your neck. 

You jump, spinning around to see a black shadow towering over you. It’s not quite human, but it’s not inhuman either, seemingly shifting between multiple forms before your eyes.  

“Thanks for leaving the door open.” it says, flashing sharp teeth dripping what could either be tar or blood on the floor. 

“How did it get through the barrier?” 

“Y/N?” 

When Ten and Haechan speak its overlapping and distorted, like you’re listening to twelve of them speak underwater. The shadow moves, like a glitch in reality at the same time Haechan pulls out another terrifying looking dagger. His eyes are still white and now glowing, as are his cousins’. It seems your brain can’t take anymore surprises and confusion, because you black out. 

The next thing you know, you’re waking up on Haechan’s couch with your head in his lap. When you blink your eyes open he sighs in relief, and flicks you on the forehead. 

“You idiot, why did you have to sneak in tonight of all nights?” he scolds.

You huff and sit up, though you regret it immediately when your head spins. 

“Here, drink up.” Taeyong says, shuffling in from the kitchen.

He offers you a steaming mug of a liquid you can’t identify, and you squint at him suspiciously.

“Nightshade tea.” Haechan deadpans, flicking you on the forehead again.

“It’s apple cider.” Taeyong corrects. 

“I’m not gonna start levitating too right?” you ask, but you accept the mug anyway.

“No, you’re not. Now drink the apple juice.” Haechan says, wrapping an arm around your shoulders. 

You take a small sip of the apple cider, and sure enough, it’s just spicy apple juice with a bit of an alcoholic kick. Good, you need a drink after what you just witnessed.

“So, what you guys are witches or something?” you ask, not expecting Ten’s answer.

“Survey says… yes! Good one, got it right on the first try.” he calls, coming back into the living room with some herbs on fire in his hand.

“I drove everything out, smudged the house, and re-established the barrier. We should be good now. Next time, don’t break the circle, kid.” Ten says, collapsing into his arm chair. 

“What circle?” you asked, confused.

“The two pounds of salt on Haechan’s window sill. We need extra protection on Samhain, that’s when the real baddies come out to play. Like the little visitor we had.” Ten explained, accepting a mug from Taeyong as well.

“So wait, you are witches? And what’s the Samhain? Also, was that blood on your floor earlier?” you asked. 

Your head was already hurting again.

“I’m going to sleep. Haechan, you’re dating them, you can explain everything. Goodnight.” Ten sighed, walking away to his bedroom.

“I’ll be in the kitchen if you need me.” Taeyong said, also shuffling out of the room.

You turned to Haechan, motioning for him to explain. He sighed, leaning his head back against the couch. After gathering his thoughts for a moment he sat back up taking your hands in his. 

“Yes, we are witches. We always have been. Samhain is basically Halloween, the divider between the living realm and the afterlife is really weak on today, so we have to put extra protections on the house to make sure spirits and demons don’t get in. And yes, that was blood on the blood, but in our defense, it’s pig’s blood and we got it from the local butcher.” 

You sat there for a moment, soaking in the information. You’d known Haechan for years, hell he was your boyfriend. You’d never even suspected there was something like this going on. Yeah, Taeyong had a rather impressive spice cabinet and Ten’s room was kind of covered in weird drawings but it was Ten and Taeyong, so it’d be weirder if they didn’t.

“Do you guys do, bad things? To people? Like do you curse people.” you ventured. 

Haechan sighed and shrugged.

“Sometimes. You know how petty Ten can get. Hell, he cursed Johnny last week for calling him short. Taeyong doesn’t like to, but he does occasionally. It’s not as bad as you think. Most curses are just annoyances. It’s not like we sick demon on people or something.” he continued and you nodded along.

“So what about you? Who have you cursed?” You pushed and Haechan laughed.

“Mostly Mark. Anytime he lost something semi-important it was probably my fault. And that guy Trevor from middle school who used to bully you.” he confessed.

You giggled at the mention of the last name, recalling the boy.

“Didn’t he end up pissing himself during standardized testing? Was that you?” you asked, and Haechan nodded, snickering behind his hand.

“Oh, my god that was you!” you realized and Haechan nodded.

“I felt kind of bad about it, but he deserved it.” 

“What about me? Have you ever used magic on me?” you asked and Haechan smiled.

“Oh plenty. Luck charms, protection wards, sigils of safety.” he said waving his hand in dismissal, “remember that time you fell out of a tree and miraculously didn’t break anything? That was all me.” he boasted.

“And here I was thinking I just had outrageously strong bones.” you giggled.

Haechan laughed at that as well. Good. You weren’t too shaken or scared to laugh. This was going way better than he’d hoped.

“What about love spells? Have you ever used a love spell on anyone?” you asked. 

Your voice sounded light, but Haechan could hear the underlying question. Had he ever used a love spell on you? Was your relationship fabricated?

“Y/N, magic can do a lot of things. But there’s a lot of things it can’t do. And make up love like ours is one thing it can’t do. Love spells are…. Pretty terrifying to say the least. The side effects they can have are dangerous and can be permanent. We don’t need something like that. What we have is real.” he explained. 

You nodded, sighing out a breath of relief you didn’t even know you were holding. 

“Oh, before I forget. I want you to wear this, and please, don’t ever take it off. I can put the pendant into a bracelet or something if you prefer, but you have to always wear it. I was going to tell you about the witch thing and give you this tomorrow over breakfast, but you never were very patient.”

Haechan fishes something out of his pocket, holding it up in the light. It’s the necklace from earlier. It’s a simple piece of jewelry, amethyst pendant on a silver chain. It’s the necklace that was glowing earlier. You stare at it in the light, holding your hand out for Haechan to hand it to you.

“What is it?”

“A protection amulet. Witches tend to attract magic, whether it’s good or bad. This will keep you safe from anything with malicious intent, whether it be a demon or another witch.” he says.

“There are other witches?” you ask, shocked. 

Of course there would be others, but you had been so busy digesting the info Haechan was giving you that you hadn’t even thought about it.

“I think that’s enough witch talk for tonight. We can continue tomorrow over some blueberry waffles from our favorite diner, don���t you think?” Haechan says, standing up and stretching.

 He holds a hand out to you which you accept, and he leads you back to his room. You still have some of your old clothes in his dresser, which he gives you to sleep in. He doesn’t bother flicking the lights off manually, just waving his hand and the room goes dark.

“Woah.” 

Haechan chuckles at your admiration of his powers.

“Hey, can you read my palm?”

“No.”

“My face?”

“No.”

“What about my chakras?”

“What about we go to sleep?” 

You huff, rollIng over so your back is to Haechan. He rolls his eyes at your little tantrum, draping an arm over your waist.

“I’ll do a tarot reading for you in the morning, now go to sleep.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From: Marketh

So??? Read 7:39 AM

From: Marketh

What’d you find out? Read 8:12 AM

From: Marketh 

Hello? Read 9:07 AM

From: Marketh

Y/N? Read 9:48 AM

From: Marketh

Have you seen my econ textbook? Read 11:35 AM

[fortress-of-iserlohn]

so like. i got into logh fandom and my otp by haunting chn fics (eng ones are so RARE like what guys i’m so sad) and i swear i started out in the reinhard/yang camp but somewhere along the lines i accidentally tripped and fell into reuenthal/yang and NOW I CAN’T GET OUT - don’t help me i’m happily gone.

(but no pls come talk to me i’m so lonely why is no one else i know in this fandom SCREM ;A;)

mind you, all i have canon knowledge of is like. 47 chapters of the fujisaki manga + 3 episodes of DNT & 50 pages of the first translated novel. so uh. i apologise very sincerely to everyone else in this fandom. (but i friggen love DNT yang with his not-so-subtle shade and school boy pout, lemme love you sweetheart. also reuenthal in the manga is A+++++++++ FINE. and mittermeyer is a giant puppy and their hysterical interactions GIVE ME LIFE. i’m all over that like cats on expensive kibble man)

anyway, so there’s me. and my tiny one person raft and i wished so hard that i could draw because like. ARTISTS ARE AMAZING. but i can’t so here have some dodgy ass writing.

i have like. 9k of backstory but i got tired of writing it ??????? slice of life aint my thing bro.

spoilers for the original series below but you probably don’t care LMAO so in reality i’m just cutting it to save your dash.

basic premise is that it’s brain ship AU fic (i’m trash leave me to my can pls) where some of the empire cast (well just reuenthal + mittermeyer ok, the TWIN PILLARS AW YIS) live approx 200 years after the alliance cast did (yang and reinhard still got into their super epic fights as per original time line etc). but as per canon when the THING happens and them creepy earthy church people try to assassinate yang, schonkoff (I HATE SPELLING THEIR NAMES OKAY) finds him in time and tries to rush him to the hospital. but however, because the alliance superiors are dickwads, instead of trying to y’know, save his life, they decided to take the opportunity to upload yang’s consciousness into his ship so that he can continue to fight the war (INDEFINITELY NOW) and then when it WORKS like a motherfreaking miracle, yang wakes up, is silent for about 5 minutes taking everything in and then is kinda like ‘yeah nah’ and promptly runs away into space to chug through history files and drink virtual tea until like. 200 years later, when reunethal picks him up randomly (on the side of a space highway LOL) when yang’s taking whatever a brainship’s equivalent of a nap is but reuenthal obvs doesn’t know that the hyperion is a brainship so \o/ (yang, also a giant troll, decides to let him do whatever. it’s been a long 200 years ok).

it was going to be a long 20k epic where they play chess, overthrow the empire in favour of some form of XXcracy and ~fall in love~ along the way, all that GOOD shit. but i have zero patience and probably am never going to finish it so.

this is literally the first thing i’ve written in about 1.5 years (since i saw star wars oh my god) because my attention span for fandoms and everything else in general TBH is about zero ohoho. 

It was late, but Oskar couldn’t sleep, something restless buzzing at the back of his mind. Whether it was from a combination of the uneasy atmosphere from the crew currently on board, or his irritation at their willingness to jump at a mere ghost story, he wasn’t clear. His chronometer told him that he was due on bridge in about four hours, which was when he decided to give up on sleep entirely and perhaps take a quick walk around the still unfamiliar vessel.

He pushed his arms through his overcoat and exited his temporary quarters. He assumed it had belonged to the long dead fleet admiral of this craft, but there was a scarcity of personal effects that implied that he either hadn’t much down time at all, or wasn’t the type to care much about his decor.

Beyond the physical chess set carved from what looked like real ivory and the few volumes of rare paper books scattered about, there was not much to do in there at any given time.

He strode down the hallway, boot heels clicking gently against the metal floor. He wandered without much of a real purpose, distracted by random bits and pieces and by organising his thoughts from the day, so he could probably be forgiven for finally looking up when he arrived at a dead end and having absolutely no idea where he was.

To call it a dead end wasn’t actually completely true. There was a glimmer of light beneath the wall just to his right, a little bit of feeling about put his hand on a metal door, exactly the same colour and built to close at exactly the same depth as the wall.

The rebels sure were weird in some aspects, Oskar thought, tapping at the side of the wall where he expected the control panel to be. He wasn’t disappointed when the door hissed open quietly to allow him entry.

He only managed a couple of steps forwards before his feet just stopped. This room was nothing but a giant observatory, monitors bigger than any he had ever seen on a ship that did nothing but reflect outside back in. The galaxy and stars spun in a kaleidoscope of colours, whirling around him as the massive flagship flew through space, cutting through the darkness with ease.

He stared, lifting his gaze up, just to watch the splendor of space. It was completely different to his favourite spot on the Tristan, and definitely, the view from there couldn’t hold a light to this. He doubted any ship’s could.

“It’s beautiful isn’t it?” an unfamiliar voice said from somewhere to his left.

Oskar’s hand instinctively went to his hip, where his firearm would usually sit. However, having thrown his clothes on absently in the middle of the night, he had forgotten to slide it into its holster before heading out.

He braced himself grimly. He knew every single person who was currently on this ship, and this voice was not one he recognised at all. He cursed himself for being too distracted by a pretty view instead of securing the room first.

Oskar let his cool gaze sweep the room in a casual sort of manner for a second before he finally spotted the figure standing right up against a massive screen to his left hand side.

The person, a man from his voice and figure, was turned towards him, hands held up as if surrendering. “Sorry, sorry. It’s been so long since -” He cut himself off and slowly walked towards Oskar, hands tucked in his pockets. “Anyway, I don’t mean you any harm, Rear Admiral Reuenthal.”

Oskar kept his weight balanced on the balls of his feet in case of a sudden fight. “You know who I am,” he commented, keeping his voice calm and disinterested.

The man was close enough for Oskar to pick out some details now - tousled dark hair, a double breasted blue coat. His eyes caught on the gleaming gold pin on the man’s lapel, lit for one brilliant moment by a passing star, showing the clear detail of a single line bisecting the pin from left to right, and a solitary gold pentagram sitting proudly in the middle.

An uncomfortable prickle slowly crawled up Oskar’s spine as he remembered his crew whispering about disembodied footsteps and glimpses of shadows turning in hallways.

“Well,” the Rebel Fleet Admiral said, taking a hand out from his left pocket to slide through his already messy hair. “I do tend to make it a habit to know who’s on my ship.”

He seemed to notice Oskar’s unease and stopped, still several steps away. Oskar could tell now that the other man was a head or so shorter and his bearing was very clearly not military, even if his uniform and rank insignia said otherwise.

“Oh,” he seemed to realise something, rubbing the back of his head in a sheepish manner. “Sorry, that’s very rude of me. Julian used to always go on about how I should make it a habit to introduce myself first.”

He smiled then, a warm curve of his lips, and his dark eyes lit up, glittering with stars just like the galaxy behind him. “My name is Yang Wenli. Welcome aboard my ship, the Hyperion.”

[blackhatcannons]

Casual Black Hatcannons

The people have decided. The list is long (so it’s under the read more.) Happy 324 <3

Prior to arriving on Earth, Black Hat didn’t need sleep. He can still go much longer than a normal human without rest, but his mood can become fouler and fouler without the occasional break from having to do so much stuff/be around other annoying people

He’s able to have dreams (even though they’re often weird and narcissistic), and will sometimes spend time sleeping just to see if his subconscious can generate any ideas for new inventions to sell

Honestly as long as he gets some time to just sit down and not have to do anything (or even keep up his normal physical form) he’s basically asleep. For eldritch abominations like himself, it basically means letting his consciousness wander freely as he shuts down any physical functions. His form tends to get a little... less human-ish looser, when this happens

Black Hat doesn’t brush his teeth. (or floss.) First of all, his body is self-cleansing, so he normally doesn’t have to worry about showering and hygiene in general. Particles of dirt and blood and other toxins are normally absorbed through his clothes and skin, and then broken down inside his body.

Not to mention he has semi-acidic saliva. It’s not extremely corrosive, but it works well enough to keep his mouth clean between meals.

That being said, he’s lost teeth before. Chipped them, broken them, misplaced them– It’s fine though. he has teeth like a shark. literally, there are so many of them holy shit. They grow in rows and the new ones can replace the old ones very quickly.

When he transitioned from existing in a multidimensional plane to a less-multidimensional one, he never really realized that human bodies and clothes were two separate things. When he first designed his physical shape, he made his suit out of, well, the same material as himself. The clothes are just as sentient and sensory as the rest of him, and if someone touched his coat he’d turn around and be like “what.” It’s like having really snazzy looking skin that doesn’t have to be fully attached to your body and can also start growing eyes and teeth whenever you’re mad.

He never really got a full course in human anatomy, but it’s close enough, he thinks..? it’s just missing like all the organs. and a soul.

As a consequence of not knowing what the fuck a human is, BH also doesn’t know what the fuck gender is. He just sees humans, and humans are fucking morons so honestly who cares what they call themselves. it’s just easier to go with whatever pronouns they say than actually try to guess their genders (congrats BH on not being transphobic)

The old flash shorts (pilot version) of Black Hat was actually BH’s first attempt at making a human form. He later reshaped himself to “be more edgy”: becoming taller, narrowing his face, changing the design on his hat, etc.

After a hard day’s work, Black Hat can sometimes be so lazy that he wears his coat (and hat) to bed. Won’t even take off his shoes. Nasty. (Ofc he has his edgy villain pajamas he could change into but, eh. too much time.)

He can still take his clothes off, but they’ll eventually dissipate if separated from him long enough. It’s easier for him to just change the appearance of whatever his clothes (skin) currently looks like. He can still feel sensations through them, but it becomes harder to categorize them as “good” or “bad” the further away from his nerves they get

BH used to eat food like an amoeba. (He normally eats as a way to regain mass if he’s injured or needs to shapeshift.) But when encountering “prey”, his physical form kind of turns to a fleshy goop of teeth and eyes and blades that encircle whatever food it is; then he reforms. He only stopped eating like that bc it wasn’t classy enough. Utensils and etiquette are crucial for fancy villains- only dinner parties

BH likes to stay unnaturally light though. more mass makes him slow and he doesn’t like it when people are faster than him. He can also rapidly change the density of the particles in his body, mostly for fighting. It’s hilarious to see a hero break their hand trying to punch you.

BH’s body temperature depends on the environment he’s in. In the summer, he absorbs light really easily and is therefore around 90 (it’s the closest he can naturally get to human-temperatured without purposely changing it), while in the winter, he can be 30 or 45 degrees. Normally he will be 70 degrees (around room-temp), which still means his body is unnaturally cool. He can modify that as well though, and can decide if he wants to basically be a walking black ice cube or the temperature of hell’s oven. BH can’t feel temperature though, so it doesn’t really matter to him.

Those claws on his hands are a fucking pain. He can’t use a smartphone bc he doesn’t have fingerprints and his skin can’t conduct electricity. So he uses a fucking Nokia flip phone or a Blackberry, anything with buttons he can actually press

then again he sucks at technology in general, he knows more about gramophones than iPhones. Flug has been teaching him, but it’s a ...work in progress….. (”FLUG I BROKE IT AGAIN.” “Boss you shouldn’t play Flappy Bird if you have claws that can pierce through phones....”)

His hands are kind of like cat paws, the claws will normally slip out if he’s angry (99% of the time) or if he’s actually relaxed enough to just let them go (1%– you may now picture BH kneading a blanket and accidentally fucking eviscerating it)

His toes are just like his fingers, but he can’t afford to let them slip out. Otherwise he’ll pierce through his shoes and then it’s a pain to get them unstuck; he hates it.

(He let Dementia paint his nails ONCE (it was her birthday) and still hasn’t taken it off tbh. Ofc he can never tell her that.)

Once he caught Flug watching “How It’s Made” and he was about to go on one of his angry lectures again. but then he got distracted bc “wait, THAT’S HOW THEY MAKE FILIGREE GLASS?”

BH actually sits down next to Flug on the couch and they just silently watch it together. “How… how the hell do they get that all the same diameter?” “It’s really incredible, boss.” “They just, change the shape like that?? What the fuck???”

BH doesn’t speak of it again. Flug forgets about it until he walks into his office to deliver a report and hears something about “now they set the haggis out on cooking trays, and pierce each casing so–”

Black Hat thROWS HIS COMPUTER OUT THE WINDOW. TRYING TO ACT CHILL.

“Boss were you watching–” “AH YES FLUG HELLO WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU.” “Boss, it’s okay. I mean, the haggis episode is disgusting, but i really don’t care. here’s the report... Should I buy a new computer?” “……..yes.”

when he’s not watching How It’s Made he watches cheesy telenovelas WHAT

Don’t you dare fucking tell me these guys dont all watch telenovelas together on the couch with a fuckload of snacks as they all eagerly await the next moment BH loses his shit

“JUAN WHAT ARE YOU DOING HOW COULD YOU BETRAY MARIA LIKE THAT?!?! That man is the most evil character i’ve ever seen, take notes 5.0.5″ “Boss... you’re crying” “WHAT NO I’M NOT HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT WHAT THE FUCK”

BH’s favorite genre of music is classical (you know. like a nerd.) Apart from that, he’s also tried listening to screamo and death metal. While he enjoys screaming in general, he’s not really a fan of the genre, but he can appreciate the effort

in his spare time he probably sips at a glass of wine and reads his fucking quarterly profit reports in a comfy chair by the extremely scary-looking fireplace haha. He likes the sound of thunderstorms as well, mostly bc of the villain aesthetic he’s gotta keep.

Speaking of the villain aesthetic, he used to have a cat. A nice, fluffy white one that he could have sit on his lap while he sat in his desk chair facing the window, just so he could do the thing where he turns around like the most cliche villain ever

unfortunately, he can’t keep that act up for more than a week. by then the cat really looks like it’s living up to the name “Appetizer” and, well. you can tell what happens next. (5.0.5 cries, that’s what. BH coughs up white fur later.)

BH’s room is, like the entire house, very edgy. he has a massive 4-poster canopy bed, various sculptures and paintings of himself, and an enormous walk-in closet. Why does he have a closet if his clothes are part of his body, you ask?

The only reason his room looks so clean is because he hides all his personal belongings in the closet. Confiscated materials? Closet. Assorted skeletons? Closet. His secret collection of scented candles? Closet.

The girl scout cookie hoard goes under his bed. there’s also always a pentagram or two on the floor, some with notes saying “5.0.5 DO NOT ERASE”

One of the huge marble busts of himself has a keypad hidden under the hat, with a code needed to open his vault. but that’s only one half of the key; he also needs to perform a small ritual in his demonic circle to fully unlock the vault and disable the alarms on it. then he can enter the secret room where he stores all his money

(Sometimes he’ll just go inside it and roll around in his piles of cash for fun. it’s very therapeutic)

all those pictures of himself BH either had commissioned or gotten as gifts. I’d say he painted the all himself, but he’s not patient enough to actually spend time getting better at art. instead he just hires artists to make his vain af portraits.

He can also see through any reproduction of himself, including sculptures, shitty post-it note drawings, and yes, fan art. (So don’t call your fanart bad, or else BH will be offended you called him ugly!! he doesn’t care what it looks like, he’s vain enough to accept any art of himself no matter what it is haha)

Once Flug got him a metal paperweight as a gift. Jokingly, he told BH it was a stress ball.

BH fucking crushes it in one hand

(“Huh, some stress ball.” “B-boss that was made out of tungsten!!” “So? You said it was a stress ball!” “That’s stronger than steel!….Boss are you okay”)

Black Hat actually suffers some pretty bad migraines. he’s not supposed to exist in such a “low-res” plane of reality. Most of his kind exist in at least five dimensions, and it’s kind of hard to have made the switch over without losing some of his power. Shunting your consciousness between planes is kind of painful, and BH frequently receives physical reminders that he really should not have done that.

The migraines are painful and make BH crabby for the rest of the day; "dimension sickness" is awful for his mood. Flug has been trying to work on a cure to help him, but it's hard when the only materials you can work with are eldritch blood, flesh samples, and any liquid void goop BH coughs up.

Black Hat actually would work with a hero, only if it was to stop a villain that was a greater danger to his company. He’ll go against his Villainous principles to keep his business secure from any outside threat. Anyone targeting his corporation and friends employees is an enemy, and enemies will be destroyed.

BH has no idea how to: change lightbulbs, replace smoke detector batteries, use a microwave, or clean literally anything. (In that sense, 5.0.5 is more competent than him.)

Surprisingly, Black Hat actually files tax reports for his company. He believes that despite being a governmental institution, the IRS is "the most evil organization to ever exist" and appreciates how much pain it inflicts upon people each year.

Black Hat is a master of paperwork and legal documents. He could have probably been more successful as a lawyer than an arms dealer tbh. Suing people copying his patents is actually a breeze for him, and he doesn't pull any fucking punches when it comes to penalties for reselling his property

This also explains why he hasn’t been arrested yet. Can’t prove that his corporation isn’t just a hat factory when all the evidence, tax reports, and products lean towards that conclusion

BH can't cook for shit. That doesn't mean he can't enjoy human food though (even if he doesn't need it). Some of his favorite meals are humans, raw meat, rare steak (only when 5.0.5 cooks), black caviar, black truffles, black food in general, live mammals, that one cake Flug bakes sometimes, any red wine that actually tastes good, souls, foie gras, expensive food, candy (when taken from babies), ice cream (when taken from 5.0.5), and anything that really fits his dark aesthetic.

Black Hat doesn't really have a birthday. But that doesn't stop Dementia, 5.0.5, and Flug from celebrating. They use BH’s “entering the human world” anniversary as his birthday, and celebrate despite all BH's protests to not  (he secretly enjoys it, the vain bastard.

Flug normally works on an invention for him in his free time, little things that he thinks BH would find useful in his daily life. Like filing cabinets with auto-organizational systems, a voicemail system that can better filter out his calls, ballpoint pens that can write in blood. Stuff like that

Dementia makes coupon books. Things like "one free 'go away'” or “Shut up and be quiet for five minutes” or “stop destroying things for an hour.” BH always runs out of these within the month.

5.0.5 gets him cute things like mugs that say "world's best boss" and ties with nice patterns on them. BH throws a hissy fit about them, but it doesn’t stop him from wearing them

And finally, at the end of the day, even though his life is full of chaos and disasters, BH really doesn’t regret leaving his original plane of reality for this one. It’s weird and painful and he’s surrounded by annoying people, but he’d do it all again if he had to......... foR THE MONEY, OF COURSE. YEAH. BECAUSE HE’S A VILLAIN. GOTTA SELL THOSE DEVICES AND ELIMINATE HEROES RIGHT. YUP. THAT’S IT, THAT’S WHY HE STICKS AROUND WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT’S BC OF HIS FRI-- EMPLOYEES, WHAT? fucking wild