#“go buss it down if you're mentally ill”

[gimmethatagustd]

drabble requests: spotify wrapped edition!

i'm pretty close to a followers milestone, and @here2bbtstrash and @haliiimede cyberbullied me into following through with this drabble request idea that i had, so here we are 😌

send me a number (1-101) and i'll write a drabble based on the corresponding song on my spotify wrapped playlist 👀

(if you want a specific member, pls include that, too!)

i hope you all enjoy the nonsense this is probably gonna turn into

[thesmolcryptid]

I'm having some harder feelings and just need to get it out. I'm going to put the trigger warnings here as well as in the tags before I even start just in case.

Tw: mental illness(depression), physical/chronic illness, disability, mentions of neglect

I've been struggling hard the past couple of days...okay week or more...especially as my birthday gets closer. Traveling is becoming more and more taxing. Even just sitting in a car for longer than 45 minutes makes my body, especially my back and hip, start to get tired and lock up. I take trains, busses or get rides from friends but it's hard as hell for me to admit how badly I hurt.

Being independent and "resilient" (aka not telling people when I was in ridiculous amounts of pain until I asked to go to the doctor) was something I prided myself on, especially growing up since it showed how "grown up" I was, has made me feel like I'm constantly fighting myself on admitting how sick I am now.

I can't imagine how frustrating it is for those closest to me when they have to pry to get a truthful answer when they notice me moving slower or being less verbal. I will say I'm getting a little better at advocating for myself but like I said it's still a constant battle internally.

Today all I did was lay in bed, napping when I could and it was incredibly depressing. I apologize to people for being sick, for not having the balance to even play mario kart, or for having no energy when that's something I would never want others to apologize for. It's hard to not feel like I'm somehow letting others down or that I'm complaining and whining nonstop.

My depression is getting worse the longer it takes for my body to recoop after short outings. I hate being bedridden and still have doctors and people in my family(not chosen) that don't see me all the time go "but you're too young for this!" No matter how many times I hear it it always hits hard.

I'm exhausted of having to explain that I'm losing my mobility more and more and being brushed off by professionals because I'm afab so I must be playing up my symptoms for attention. There are 3 people in my past that I would wish this on but even then...not for this amount of time. It hurts to know that some of this (my scoliosis, hip issues, spina bifida occulta, depression, etc) might have been corrected or lessened if I had gotten proper medical attention when I was younger.

It hurts that I am constantly asked if I "really need my cane or rollator" or "who prescribed them" as though I somehow self diagnosed myself even after they test me and watch me struggle horrendously and nearly fall into them.

Honestly, the stares don't get to me as badly as seeing how hurt my loved ones are when people blatantly walk into me or sneer. It shouldn't be a common enough thing that Im becoming used to it but I am.

It's frustrating and dehumanizing and on nights like these its hard to admit that I'm depressed because my body feels so broken. Some days are better than others but tonight...tonight is hard.