#”just write bro get the pOiSoN oUt” I AM SUICIDAL AND IF I WROTE SOMETHING RIGHT NOW I WOULD PROBABLY END UP KILLING MYSELF BECAUSE OF HOW

[ray-without-organs]

Me, being absolutely enveloped by my own self hatred so bad I cant look in the mirror or the number on the suicide scale goes to 8, and when I say or do anything I have to do so much googling about every detail in my words to make sure im right youd think id be writing a fucking scientific paper even if its some shit like “Hello!”:

I want to write poetry and fanfiction

[fennecfoxfanatic]

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Heavy vent ahead: general content and trigger warnings

i just want to die very fucking hard right now man. I am usually just teetering on the edge of a mental breakdown, but all the twitter and tumblr discourse makes me want to preemptively kill myself. i know is a stupid sentiment to feel but idk man it is like second hand stress? like i am afraid of being called out and called something i am clearly NOT. and worse of all, nobody willing to listen to my side of the story. Or that the story is complicated and there is no pure evil and predatory side while the other side is white knighting reasoning and righteous?

It is never like that. I don’t want to made fun of. Especially on the internet. In such a way where their elitist claims will get me shunned and ruin my career. Shit man I know those people think they are right but once again, everything is complicated. There is a person behind that screen. Shit man I shouldve offed myself a long time ago.

Please. I just want to create and have fun. I want to draw and watch cartoons. Yall say cringe culture is dead yet you tend make fun of anybody who already graduated High School. Every thing is problematic. Nothing and no one is Pure. Even Jesus got mad once. Maybe those salesmen were trying to provide for their family but OOPS. Gosh It is so hard to unlearn the purity culture i was raised on. I had always been a good kid, a tattle tale, always on the side of justice and self sacrifice. ANd learning how to let go and not frett over it is hella difficult and I’m stilll struggling. And yet tumblr/twitter’s purity culture is killing me. I am a human being i want to explore shit through fiction. Hell, just create shit that makes me happy and putting it out there

But i am scared

to be called out

so i dont create

Like gosh man I don’t know my goal in life but I am scared. Scared that mob mentality will come. And they will kill me. Not physically. But I will.

Shit man I am having a good time and idk why all these dreary feelings come mushing in. I hate it. I want to stab myself. I cannot fathom being made fun of, directly or indirectly. Like I just saw somebody making fun of my ship and I started bawling immediatly. Like i don’t care man. I am les e fair when it comes to fictional ships but golly gosh did that hurt??? It’s like adding a stab wound to heavy metal poisoning. I just feel so alone? It is my childhood stick. Idk how to explain it but it was one of the three things that kept me alive as a young suicidal peep. Two of those sticks are long ass dead. Please nobody destroy this one. It be like telling baby me, yeah those things you live for aren’t worth it:just like you. I only kept middleschooler me alive because of those sticks. And I am only down to one. Gosh that hurt

stab me in the fucking neck and let me choke on my own fluids

and to top it all off i think i saw fuckboi today on the train and im still hella hurt and hella triggered by him. I am hella face blind tho so it could’ve been anyone but gosh i still think he lives in my neighborhood. It still hurts to think of what could’ve been? He was a stick after. Gosh he had the bike and the right stature too. And I wanted to just throw up and run away from there. I still dont understand what happened or what happened to me. I was kinda unconscious all those times? I think? Maybe i should’ve given it up. MAybe it was my fault for leading him on and obsessing over him. But then why would he do that. And just leave me there? Like that? See, It is complicated. I miss all those friends and teachers and opportunities i lost. GOsh that was the actual first time i tried to kill myself by drowning in the bath tub. I couldn’t do it cause i was a wimp.

So yeah my brain is stupid and doesn’t know what trigger and/or memory to latch onto. It all jumbles all into ?????? this? Like bro. If anybody knows me irl, you know I hate writing HATE HATE HATE. It is a bigass stressor of mine. I’d probably wrote more in this past half hour than in this past 6, 7 years. So even i dont know what is going on

i just want to be happy and explore my gender and sexuality through smorching cartoon drawings godamn it is all i have keeping me alive. the only constant in my life that i’ve carried with me

I just IDK anymore. I AM NOT gonna hurt myself in anyway trust me. Don’t contact me or anyone about it.  Don’t worry, I just needed to vent out my feelings a bit. :3

Brains be like that sometimes 

I took the emergency anxiety pill so im drowsy and calmer now zzzzz owo

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