#ⅩⅣ speculo ( aes. )

[heirbane]

[heirbane]

I remember when I first moved out of my abusive household and fled to another half of the country, I wore a lot of my suffering and abuse on my sleeve as if it were a badge. My husband, probably less than a year into our marriage asked me, "why do you act like it's part of your personality? Why are you proud of that?"

Back then, I didn't know how to answer. I just was: all I had known at that point was treading water, and found some sort of honor in how long I kept my head above water. I had suffered for so long: it had to be worth something when I had spent my whole life believing I wasn't worth anything at all.

Now, looking back at myself, there's no pride but pity. Once I had elevated myself onto a pedestal of my own design: I had survived and that was worthy of respect. I had climbed this far: of course I would want to show off the scars I got on the way there.

And some small part of me believes that, because it is part of me. But it is not me. I shouldn't have found some sort of pride in continuing to suffer, either. Just because I had gotten by with scraps and offcuts didn't mean I had to keep doing it now.

In my youth, I had been taught that my hardships were all I deserved. They were a result of my wrongdoings.

I think Gaius is, unfortunately, still in that part of his healing. Sometimes you hurt so long that when it's gone you miss it a little. He went off on his own because he thought that was what he deserved: he's never formally sought help for his quality of life regarding his arm because he believes, still, that it is a scarlet letter he has to wear. He had failed. Suffering now was deserved.

To have his prosthetic finger replaced - to be fitted with a proper cane, given compression garments for his burn scars, etc etc etc - are nice things he has not earned.

He thinks there is nothing for him to earn. That he just has to live this way because he doesn't know what other path to take.

[heirbane]

And when you feel the world wrapping around your neck, don't succumb.

[heirbane]

adjunct professor of garlean history and military.

[heirbane]

tales of symphonia

[heirbane]

[heirbane]

SEVEN  DEADLY  SINS.  -   bold what applies, italicize what  sometimes applies, strike through  for never applies.

LUST.      desire  for  connection.  pursuit  of  pleasure.  emotional  intelligence.  obsessive.  lovesick.  one-night  stands.  seductive  encounter.  flirtatious  conversation.  erotic  party.  seductive  attire.  revealing  clothing.  passionate  gaze.  provocative  makeup.  sensual  expressions.  suggestive  gestures.  flirtatious  smiles.  lingerie.  love  letters.  perfumes.  provocative  behaviour.  love  poems.  erotic  art.

GLUTTONY. indulgence  in  experiences.  savouring  moments.  hospitality.  generosity.  hedonism.  culinary  expertise.  wine-tasting.  excessive  snacking.  overloaded  plates.  excessive  portions.  bloated  stomachs.  messy  eating.  greasy  fingers.  full  tables.  indulgent  spreads.  overflowing  cups.  satisfied  expressions.  wine  bottles.  just  can't  get  enough.  fast  food  wrappers.

ENVY.      motivation.  competitive  spirit.  strategic  planning.  observational  skills.  bitter  rivalry.  contest.envious  gossip.  resentment-filled  argument.  social  media  jealousy.  furrowed  brows.  clenched  jaws.  side-eye  looks.  pursed  lips.  tense  posture.  whispering  behind  backs.  crossed  arms.  gossip  magazines.  keeping  up  with  the  joneses.  the  grass  is  always  greener.  feeling  inadequate.

GREED.      resourcefulness.entrepreneurial  spirit.  negotiation.  materialistic.  aggressive  investment.  lavish  spending  spree.  resource-hoarding.  get-rich-quick  schemes.  auction-bidding  war.  property  acquisition. piles  of  money.  overflowing  wallets.  luxury  items.  locked  safes.  penny-pinching.  rare  collectibles.  selfishness.  unwillingness  to  share.

SLOTH.      calmness.  stress  management.  nonchalance.  relaxation  techniques.  lethargic.  apathetic.  inactive.  lazy  weekend.  binge-watching  marathon.  neglected  chores.  skipped  workout.  long  nap.  lounging  on  the  couch.  missed  deadlines.  unkempt  appearance.  messy  hair.  pajamas.  blankets.  slippers.  procrastination  station.  self-care  routines.

PRIDE.      confidence.  self-assurance.  self-respect.  dignity.  public  speaking.self-promotion.  arrogant.  conceited.  egotistical.  self-important.  vain.  boastful  speech.  puffed  chest.  raised  chin.  smug  smiles.  spotlight.  tooting  your  own  horn.  showing  off.  refusing  to  admit  mistakes.  feeling  entitled.  personal  branding.  leadership  development.

WRATH.      assertiveness.  decisiveness.  strength.  intensity.  boundary  setting.  courage.  indignant.  heated  arguments.  road  rage  incident.  physical  altercation.  angry  outburst.  clenched  fists.  glaring  eyes.  tense  muscles.  raised  voices.  reddened  faces.  aggressive  gestures.  stormy  demeanour.  intense  frowns.  destructive  actions.  broken  objects.  punching  bag.  out  for  blood.  fists.  simmering  anger.

stolen from @sephaeroth / tagging @fatesown

[heirbane]

𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐅𝐄𝐒𝐒 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐒𝐄𝐂𝐑𝐄𝐓𝐒 𝐓𝐎 𝐌𝐄 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐈'𝐋𝐋 𝐓𝐄𝐋𝐋 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐖𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐍𝐄𝐄𝐃 𝐓𝐎 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐑.

YOU ARE HOLY, YOU ARE DIVINE. - you've eaten yourself alive long enough. it's time to pull yourself down from your cross. i promise you are good, you are pure. you do not have to be a martyr.

tagged by @creatrix-mea / tagging @daizure, smooches

[heirbane]

WHAT YOU NEED TO HEAR.

YOU ARE HOLY, YOU ARE DIVINE. - you've eaten yourself alive long enough. it's time to pull yourself down from your cross. i promise you are good, you are pure. you do not have to be a martyr.

tagged by @creatrix-mea / tagging @wisdomscion

[heirbane]

HE SHALL DIE / MORIENDUM EST

a gaius van baelsar playlist. under construction.

[heirbane]

who are you?

THE BLADE. - A friend. A weapon. You are leaving. Too much has happened not to. The sun is hot and you forget the grief as the rays kiss your skin. The goodbyes were… you don’t know. Your mouth tastes of blood and the loss sits like sandpaper in your throat. You wonder if you deserved it— of course you didn’t. It scares you how easy it was to leave, a few sharp words and the thorns unburied themselves from your flesh. It covers you still, the shadow. You ignore it and force a smile, glinting like silver, all sharp teeth and sharp tongue. There is no way but forward now and you grip the knife, ready to cut a path forward if the trail ends. It will be better, you will make sure of it. The sweat and tears mingle until they cannot be distinguished. It will be better.

[heirbane]

WHAT  TAROT  CARD  ARE  YOU?

THE HERMIT. - It’s a skill, to look inside yourself, one you have mastered. The endless corridors and shifting thoughts are mapped to very carefully. This all takes time, of course. And those twisting hallways are so very difficult to map. It would be so easy to get lost. You know this space so well. Wouldn’t it be a lovely place to stay? So well-known and comforting. Why go back? How nice, how easy, to dissolve, to hide from the rest of the world and all the people in it. Why bother, when you are so good at looking inside yourself. Like enlightenment, the self. Retreating this far inwards is like retreating just as far out, into the vast ether. So comforting. The thing that was you looks at the thing that was the old woman. There is no you anymore. Goodbye.

stolen from @sephaeroth / tagging @iernbone

[heirbane]

what does your soul look like?

DOG TEETH. You're vicious, but you're afraid. You have to make the first punch, and make sure your opponent can't land one. But you need to stop seeing everyone as an enemy. The only one being violent is you, your anger and your defensiveness is killing you. Take a nap, rest your head and clear your mind. Come back in the morning.

stolen from @daizure / tagging @phoenix-flamed

[heirbane]

𝐂𝐎𝐋𝐎𝐑𝐒 𝐀𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐓𝐈𝐂

bold what applies to your muse. italicize what sometimes applies. ( repost, don’t reblog! )

                      𝐁𝐋𝐔𝐄

cloudless sky / ocean waves / winter dusk / deserted rest stops / dust filled book jackets / sea salt in your lungs / open space lofts / mountainside meditation / empty ski lodges / calm before storms / electric charged air / lighthouses / road trips with no destination / desert skies / summer breeze through a cottage window / cool air against water soaked skin / seaside towns during off season / wind-chimes / big bed with lots of blankets / coming home after a long time away / a wolf howling in the distance / fingers dancing along spine / a hug from an old friend / afternoon tea / wild flowers off abandoned highways

                          𝐑𝐄𝐃

wine soaked lips / internalized rage / blood on knuckles / four poster beds / barefoot on marble floor / velvet drapes / lipstick marks / murder mysteries / old barns with hay lofts / mouth full of weapons / possessive love / dark chocolate / apple orchard visits / handwritten letters / fresh strawberry fields / cherry flavored chapstick / soft candlelight / vintage pumps / tingles over your body / strong but gentle hand around your throat / scarf tied over your eyes / fog on a rainy night / intimate bar settings / complete destruction / kiss swollen lips / scratches against flesh / sitting by a fireplace / blood orange sunsets

                          𝐘𝐄𝐋𝐋𝐎𝐖

community gardens / sunflower seeds / open fields / blowing dandelion fluffs / bubbles in spring / warm champagne / drafty cottages opened after winter / soft buzzing near your ear / loose braids / flaxen sundresses / handmade straw hats / warm butter on fresh toast / daisy chains / drum circles / sun on your face / maypoles / outdoor festivals / street food / car shows / pop art drawings / fruity flavors / mist on produce / running through sprinklers / cucumber water / wrap around porches / worn pages of a book / honey in tea / yard sales / freckled skin / tarnished gold lockets / angel food cake / windmills / flashlight beams

                           𝐆𝐑𝐄𝐄𝐍

marshy swamps / cajun recipes / haunted graveyards / old road signs / the house people tell stories about / lights flickering / jazz music / twig snapping / campfires / ghost stories / urban exploration / vines creeping up brick / wooden flutes / quiet forests / labored breaths / hiking trails / rain on leaves / bonfires / fresh smoothies / water logged grottos / painful whispers from jealous lovers / successful business ventures / leaky cellars / park theater productions / mint scented lotions / ambitious promises / pine needle covered floors / oil lanterns / aloe on warmed skin / crushing floral foam / forgotten towns

                          𝐁𝐋𝐀𝐂𝐊

crinkle of leather jacket / midnight walks / bulbs burning out / black lacquered nails / the sound of bats screeching / distant marching band music / noises when you’re home alone / blood soaked knife / dark lipstick on pale skin / scent of sulfur / soot on boots / slasher movies / glint of cat eyes in the dark / oil slicks on dark asphalt / basement bedrooms / investigating a noise / grainy camera footage / black and white photos / dust filled attics / empty theaters / whistling in the middle of the night / scratches at your window / wrought iron gates / lace neck ruffles / long floor sweeping skirts / broken music boxes / needle scratching on vinyl / lost memories / disembodied voices / forgotten faces

                          𝐖𝐇𝐈𝐓𝐄

crisp scents / laundry on a line / fleece blankets / brightly lit hospital rooms / empty train stations / genuine laughter / feathers against skin / new life / cotton dresses / log cabins in winter / swan gliding through water / harp music floating through the air / plane rides for fun / mountain tops / ice sculptures / first snowflake of winter / linen freshly pressed / the scent of a running dryer / vanilla and cinnamon milk / a smile from a stranger / letters in the mail / a longing finally satiated / kiss of moonlight on skin / fresh canvas / snow glittering like diamonds / paint strokes / pretty lie told from a kind mouth / sparklers / coffee foam art

stolen / tagging @levinstrike & @daizure

[heirbane]

go on pinterest and type “your name + core” and post the first 9 results

Stolen from @fatesown

art in top right corner by etozheques on instagram, none else attributed

[heirbane]

WHICH SYMBOLIC FRUIT ARE YOU?

APPLE. - The apple is most commonly known for being associated with the forbidden fruit that Eve eats in Catholicism which casts her and Adam out of heaven: original sin. However, apples are also symbolic to Pagan fertility goddesses, the seeds of which are five and showcase a pentagram when cut horizontally. The apple in any case, represents wisdom and knowledge, independent desire and curiosity. You are someone who seeks to understand the world better. You believe in independent thought and asking questions which to some may be hard to answer. There's been times where you may have persecuted for being different from how others expect you to act, but have never let that stop you from speaking your mind and taking what you want. However, be wary of leaping into things you don't understand. Knowledge is a wonderful, illuminating thing, but knowing too much can be a burden to some.