#【♥】 𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒄𝒂𝒏𝒐𝒏𝒔 ; a secret just for me.

[lielove]

tw ; heavy mentions of abuse and slight mentions of alcoholism.

AI HOSHINO AND HER RELATIONSHIP WITH HER MOTHER ;

ai hoshino never knew her father and only ever lived with her mother - this is a fact - it is also a fact that ai's mother was a thief and went to jail because of it, that she beat up ai, and that she tried to make her eat glass in her white rice.

her relationship with her mother was likely never, ever positive in the slightest. she looked at her mother as a person that she lived with and nothing more. there was no love, there was no joy. all there ever was was pain. we know that ai's education was on the lower side, so i suspect that her mother was not taking her to school, and didn't really care if she even got an education.

one of her first memories of her mother was when she tugged her by her jacket, ushering her to beg for money on the streets of japan. she was a small child, only barely old enough to walk on her own two feet. steps were still wobbly, she was shaky. her mother gave her lines to rehearse... ❝ if you say it like this then mommy will be able to get us dinner, okay ai ?? ❞

she smiled at her daughter, but there was nothing but a look of malice in her eyes. the child gives her lines as rehearsed to a few people, but then she fumbles her lines. the passerbys catch on.

her mother takes her anger out on her when they get back to the house. a tiny, tiny two bedroom apartment. littered with trash and smelled of grime. flies swarmed over piles of trash that were long discarded.

ai cries herself to sleep in her ( mainly empty ) bedroom that night.

her mother tells her she doesn't need her to come with her on the streets anymore, tells her that if she can't say what she needs to then she's useless.

ai didn't really want to do it anyway, so she'd take being useless over being a thief and a scammer.

once she's old enough to enter school, she wakes up in the wee hours of the morning, walking herself to school by herself before the sun comes up, and then she walks back home when it ends.

her mother isn't around as much, and the child prefers it that way. when she comes home she sounds weird, loopy... but she's even madder than usual.

ai quickly learns that she needs to lock herself in her room before she hears her mother trying to unlock the front door in a drunken stupor.

her mother gets arrested when she's eight years old, she doesn't think she can forget the way the service worker spoke to her ; a cold voice ❝ your mommy's going to be going away for awhile, so you're being taken someplace else. ❞

anywhere was better than here.

once her mothers sentence is served ai learns that she's been abandoned by her mother - and she spends the next few years at the children's home until scouted out by ichigo saitou, and becomes her de-facto guardian.

it isn't until b-komachi gained popularity again that ai's mother contacted her again. it was a single letter out of a large stack that the production company gathered for her that night.

the look of horror on her eyes when she read the words.

hi sweetie, its mommy !! so you're an idol now ?? i'm so proud of you, my sweet darling daughter... what do you say we meet up for lunch some time, catch up on the years gone by ?? i never meant to leave you at that children's home, you know. oh, and do you think you can spot mommy some cash ?? some things came up.... you know i love you so much, right... ai ??

liar.

her mother was a filthy liar, and it was blatant.

ai approaches the director, letter in hand and tells him ❝ director, could you make sure whoever sent this letter isn't allowed at another one of b-komachi's shows again ?? ❞ he tells her he'll try, but he can't guarantee it.

❝ if this woman is at another one of our shows i'll terminate my contract and work with another company instead. ❞

she's serious about this.

the next night is spent looking over security footage into the wee hours of the morning, and ai points out her mother in the crowd. she tears the letter to shreds and finally feels a moment of relief. with that taken care of, she wouldn't need to worry about her mother any more for the rest of her life...

[lielove]

ever think about ai was just longing to feel something throughout her entire life and that she's empty inside and she tries to find it through b-komachi and it starts out so well it starts out so, so well but then they come to hate her and she can't blame them FOR hating her but she also can't do anything about it. she wanted their companionship and friendship so fucking bad that she used numbers for their names as the password on her phone,,,,

and then she gets with hikaru and she experiences Real Physical Affection for the first time and she's like "holy shit ok" and she's feeling something positive for the first time ever and not hating herself and she could maybe even say she might feel happy sometimes with him but then they break up and she's pregnant

AND THEN SHE HAS THE KIDS..... and she's finally able to feel something whole in her life. she's a mother. she hasn't told them she loves them but it's clear that she still cares so much for them and she's able to show true compassion for someone and it feels so nice.

and then she isn't able to tell them she loves them until she's dying.

just me, ok. : )

[lielove]

dairy entry ; hoshino ai's twelfth birthday.

the caretaker read off the names of all the children who had a birthday this week. it was so monotone and boring, i could tell that she didn't care at all... some of the other kids smiled and clapped when they heard their names... or a friends. but nobody did that for me.

but that's fine, i wasn't expecting them to anyway.

there was a small, round chocolate cake this time. the caretaker said to make sure all the birthday kids got a slice but, as usual, the kids just run up and take it. she doesn't do anything to actually make sure that the birthday kids get anything, and the cake is too small.

i didn't get my slice again this year. but that's fine, too. : )

dairy entry ; hoshino ai's thirteenth birthday.

it's my first birthday working under strawberry productions as an idol. there's only four of us in b-komachi right now; watanabe, nino, takamine and myself. nino seemed a bit annoyed at the whole thing, but the other girls were nice.

director ichigo bought a big cake... it said "happy birthday ai" in big letters.

this is the first time i've had a cake just for me.

i split it with the girls, but i was able to take the rest home with me. it was shaped like a strawberry, and tasted like it too.

after we ate cake the girls gave me some presents, watanabe's gift was my favorite. ✰

diary entry ; hoshino ai's fourteenth birthday.

b-komachi had a mini concert today, so i spent my birthday performing with the girls. director ichigo still brought a cake, he sliced it and let us have some after the meet and greet.

so many of my fans brought me gifts and wrote letters... i've never had so many people care about my birthday... care about me. i'm going to take the time to read them all when i have some time off.

these people... they really love me. i'll have to keep lying to them so they'll always see me as their picture perfect star. ♡

maybe a day will come where i can shout "i love you" out into the crowd and mean it, that'd be nice.

diary entry ; hoshino ai's fifteenth birthday.

the people at lala lai are nice.

they were just as... no, maybe they were even more enthusiastic about throwing a party for me than director ichigo was. is this how life at the theater always is ?? i'm still pretty new here but everyone is treating me like i've been there for years already. it'll take some getting used to... but i can just lie my way through it so nobody realizes, eheh.

i had to step away from the party for a bit.

i found a boy standing outside when i did, he was smoking a cigarette and looking up at the sky. i think his name was hikaru ?? i've met so many people since i came here... it's hard to remember everyone... and i've never really been good with names.

he's got a memorable face, though. so i don't think i'll forget him.

i don't even think the rest of the theater group realized that i spent the rest of the party out there with him. ✨

diary entry ; hoshino ai's sixteenth birthday.

i'm staying the night at hikaru-kun's tonight.

spending the entire day with him... feels kinda romantic, aha... ♡

i was able to get a reservation at that nice restaurant, we've got a private place tucked away for ourselves there, no one should bother us at all, and it's all thanks to that director for helping me find restaurants and places where we could keep meeting in secret.

i haven't been able to tell him i love him and mean it, but i do like him a lot... it sounds kinda silly when i write it out like that.

but being his girlfriend, and calling him my boyfriend. it's nice.

i think today is going to be a really fun day.

diary entry ; hoshino ai's seventeenth birthday.

it's my first birthday since the twins were both... now that they're here i don't think i could ask for a better gift. they're so small and cute... just looking at them makes me so, so happy.

miyako and director ichigo stopped by with a small cake and a few necessities, he gave me a small bonus as a birthday gift... he didn't have to, but i think he did it so i could have more to put towards my kids.

i've gotta do even better as an idol so i can keep seeing their cute smiling faces, i want to give them the best life that i can... as their mother... i'm all they have, and i have to give it all i've got.

diary entry ; hoshino ai's eighteenth birthday.

i think miyako tried to help the kids make a birthday card for me, it was the first thing i saw when i woke up this morning. it's a little hard to make out but it's cute... i'm going to put it up on the fridge anyway. i'll have to thank her later for that.

today i have a photoshoot at nine, an interview at noon, and i'm going to be a guest star for a radio station from three to five. that's how most days have been recently, though.

i'll probably ask director ichigo if he can pick up a cake that we can all share once i'm home, the kids probably shouldn't have sugar so late at night but... it's a special occasion so i think it'll be okay, just this once.

diary entry ; hoshino ai's nineteenth birthday.

the filming for that was the start is still ongoing, but i think it might wrap up soon ?? the cast and crew threw a little party for me for my birthday. it was sweet of them. i had fun, but i was really looking forward to getting home... i picked up some board games to play with ruby and aqua the other day... spending some time with my family is all i want for my birthday this year.

i've been so busy that i've spent more time out of the house than in, i know miyako is taking care of the kids but... as their mother, i should still make sure to spend time with them, too.

diary entry ; hoshino ai's twentieth birthday.

b-komachi is going to be performing at the dome today. director ichigo talks so highly of it... i wonder what it'll be like. there'll probably be a lot of people.

he said he was going to get some of the nicest champagne he could find and we'd have a toast once we gets me back home after the show. does alcohol taste good ?? i don't really see the appeal but... i'll still try it. he seems to really like it, at least.

there's front row tickets for ruby, aqua and miyako. as long as i can see my kids in the crowd then i'm sure i'll be shining just as bright -- no, i'll shine even brighter than usual.

[lielove]

☂  : Does your muse like rain?

meme

tw ; heavy mentions of abuse.

in short ; she doesn't like it.

it was an inconvenience once she started her career as an idol ( and subsequently her burst into the entertainment industry as a whole ), and when she was living with her mother... it meant that she'd always be home on those days.

and she hated those days.

on the days that the weather was clear or cloudy her mother would be gone. she'd get drunk with her friends, she'd be trying to pickpocket people on the streets. ai didn't know the logistics of it all, she just knew that her mother liked to steal from others, and days where it wasn't rainy were the days when she'd be gone the longest.

so when it rained, it meant that she'd be berated more, she'd become the target of her mothers rage quicker ( she always was the target, but... it was worse on the nights where she couldn't leave the house ). it felt like she was a mouse trapped in a maze with no exit in sight.

❝ ...close your eyes, ai focus on the rain. if you focus hard enough you'll drown out her anger until you can't hear her anymore... ❞ thoughts like this would constantly be repeated in her head as she just waited for her mother to wear herself out.

once her mom got arrested and she got sent to the children's home... she used the rain to drown out the other children's voices, they were always so loud... especially at night.

it was annoying.

no matter how much she plugged her ears, it was like it never stopped.

and then... once she entered the entertainment industry. rainy days meant that things may not go as scheduled, things not going as scheduled means she won't be able to make money, she won't be able to see her fans... all in all, a big waste of a day.

[lielove]

5. what is your muse's ideal first date? 16. what is/are your muse's love language(s)? 31. does your muse develop crushes easily? would they be open about it to a friend or keep it to themselves

romance & relationship headcanons !! || accepting.

5. what is your muse's ideal first date ??

long walks under the night sky, looking up at the stars. it's cheesy, even someone with as little romantic experience as her knows it. but there's something incredibly comforting about getting to walk around with someone - in public - without fear of cameras or gawking fans finding her. she doesn't know much of anything about the sky, space or constellations... but she knows that its beautiful, and that's enough for her.

as a woman that grew up poor and in the worst conditions, while she doesn't mind doing something fancy... she's more than content with starting off with something small like this. the conversations that she can have without fear that someone's listening in are much nicer than the conversations that she can have tucked away in the back of a restaurant, anyway.

( though she will absolutely be booking the best tables that will keep her and her partner hidden from peeking eyes down the line, it just isn't the kind of first date that she wants to have !! )

❝ going to a restaurant for the first date... ?? don't you think something like that is a little... overdone ?? why don't we do something a little more unique. ❞

16. what is/are your muse's love language(s) ??

while she's the type to say ❝ i love you ❞ well before she actually means it ( and would likely even tell her partner that ), her main form of love language comes from physical touch. but it's really only something that she can do in private - obviously. holding hands, gentle kisses... stuff like that.

of course she's also good with positive affirmations, but... words like that... she's not sure how honest they are when they leave her lips. is it the best thing they'd want to hear or is it how she truly feels ?? such a question fills her mind far too often.

but she wouldn't touch someone in such an intimate / close way unless she really liked them. that's something she knows for sure.

31. does your muse develop crushes easily ?? would they be open about it to a friend or keep it to themselves.

as a people hating liar... she doesn't develop crushes easily. hikaru ... whatever he said to her ( i have headcanons, but no way to know ) was the exception. whatever he said to her had that much of an impact that she felt close enough with him that she wanted to go all the way with him.

...she liked him, they were boyfriend and girlfriend ( or something close to it, at least ) but, i imagine she didn't just fall for him in a day.

and she would keep it to herself. ai hoshino was a woman that... did not have any friends. even in the verses where she does make more friends... telling them about something as personal as a crush ?? no way she'd be able to tell them.

[lielove]

𝐖𝐇𝐈𝐂𝐇 𝐎𝐋𝐃 𝐆𝐎𝐃 𝐀𝐑𝐄 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐀𝐅𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐈𝐀𝐓𝐄𝐃 𝐖𝐈𝐓𝐇 ??

the god of fear and hunger

a newly-born being able to rival the power of the old gods. you find yourself affiliated with her. perhaps in your life you have gone through many changes. some you wish not to speak of. but do not lose them to time. remember you beginning. remember your life. if humans are anything but two things that is hunger and rage. and like the ones before you, you can consume, swallow and devour until you are sick but you will never be satisfied. you may find yourself at a inability to express yourself, like your tongue has been cut right out of your mouth. by the hand of your father or god. it doesn't matter to you. you will change. you will change yourself and others. no one can tell if you are showing mercy or thinly disguised cruelty.

tagged by ; @foxborn tagging ; @azurescale, @curmoritor, @astralua, @solivcgant, @nulltune

[lielove]

hiiii more assorted headcanons, just 2 this time <3

AFFECTION IN RELATIONSHIPS ; due to how her mother treated her as a child, and the years spent in the children’s home ai hasn’t really had any positive experiences with affection. so when entering into a relationship she would probably realize quickly that she likes the positive affirmations that come with physical affection.

to tie in with this, prior to the twins being born and... conceived i imagine she’d like to spent the night at hikaru’s ( or she’d want him to stay at her place ) simply because it’s nice not coming home to an empty house… it’s nice coming to see someone that cares about you, and getting to sleep in the same bed with them. ai is someone that was used to the bare minimum of affection, her mother was awful to her and she didn't have ANY friends. she was used to getting treated like dirt, so these simple gestures of affection meant a lot to her.

obviously, this was kept a secret from ichigo and everyone else at strawberry productions. annnnd in public she's also not very touchy feely at all - especially given that she needs to maintain her image and brand as an idol.

EDUCATION ; ai is the type of person with more street smarts than book smarts, given how her mother treated her and... assumingly, did the bare minimum for her when she was a child... i wouldn't be surprised if she had a late start with school in general. once she entered the system, it was hard to keep up with it, and then once she became an idol… she didn’t have time for school at all !! so I’m terms of a formal education, it's only that of a little more than middle school level. she still did a minor form of homeschooling once she became an idol but it took a backseat to her career.

this is, in part, why she wanted to make sure that ruby and aqua could go to good schools one day… she wants them to have the life that she couldn’t have.

she was interested in learning english, under the prospect that b-komachi might do a world tour... one day, but she's not that proficient in it.

[lielove]

guy who's going to sparingly write nsfw here now w/ a headcanon --

AI AND HER RELATIONSHIP WITH ROMANTACISM AND SEXUALITY ;

because it's so hard for her to feel romantic attraction, she's got heightened sexual attraction.

as mentioned in a previous headcanon, ai hasn't had any positive forms of affection shown her way... at all, really. and she LIKES the positive affirmations that come with physical affection.

given the innate intimacy that comes with... sex and being with another person, she feels those feelings very intensely. ai was extremely touch starved, so after experiencing those feelings once... she realized how much she liked those feelings, how she wanted to experience them again.

she can't say i love you and mean it, but she CAN make someone feel as good as they make her feel, may it be through sexual intimacy or... general romantic things like kissing.

to continue with this thought --- when she's intimate with someone is probably when she's MOST HONEST. she can't fake what she hasn't ( or has sparingly ) experienced ( and knows she enjoys the feeling of ). she can lie with her mouth, but her body can't lie.

she feels the feelings she's feeling with another person for a reason, she wants to touch them in the way she does for a reason. she can fake moaning an orgasm, but if she's quivering under someone from how they're making her feel.... well, those feelings aren't lies.

and it's something that ai is aware of for any verses that go past the canon / canon au verse since she's... experienced these feelings once before. so naturally... she's not going to be laying in bed with just anyone. allowing herself to be vulnerable like that is... obviously not easy for her.

ty for coming to my ted talk i hope this doesn't sound like jumbled garbo.

[lielove]

what color are you ??

ORANGE CHARACTER ;

Orange characters are charismatic and talented. They push themselves to be the best at everything they put their mind to, and get upset when they can’t meet their own standards. They tend to be prodigies, seeming almost superhuman in their genius or abilities, but they often base their self-worth off of how well they can perform, making them feel isolated from the others around them. While most people see orange characters as cocky and self-absorbed, they are actually quite insecure in themselves. They want attention and validation from others, but because of their faux confidence and the constant (and often somewhat empty) praise from the people around them, the people that are truly closest to them often withhold it from them. This often leads them to push themselves beyond their limits to succeed and/or act out in unhealthy and self-destructive ways, in an effort to get some kind of recognition. These characters seek to impress, and have a hard time telling praise from love. They have a constant need to be the hero, in whatever context that means for them. These characters usually have a sense of humor and wit that can tend to flatter themselves (although much of what they say is rooted in truth), but it’s contrasting to some of their more self-deprecating natures. They can be serious loners, since they isolate themselves from others in an attempt to protect themselves. Although they would never admit it, they crave acceptance and belonging. Others generally don’t see this, because orange characters are loathe to admit weakness and build up defenses by making it clear that they don’t care what others think, although they do. In childhood, it is likely that their parental figures were either absent or abusive, often holding them up to high standards while not providing enough positive reinforcement. Other characters need to treat orange characters not as an annoyance, or give up on them quickly, but to make it clear that they are willing to love and support them regardless of how useful they can be, and to voice compliments where they are due.

tagged by ; @thenextbestidol

tagging ; @ninjassin, @saltatorlucis, @kamikiproductions, @solivcgant and anyone that would link to yoink this from me !!

[lielove]

ok now for a serious post i have a few small headcanons for ai and the blog :tm: that i'm just having time to write up now bc i was at a NINE HOUR pokemon tournament yesterday ...... these may all be pretty different theme wise but i want to get them out in one post rather than clog the dash w/ multiple posts.

AS FAR AS I KNOW..... ai does not have a canon birthday i have tried scouring the wiki and the internet as a whole but i could not find one if i missed it and am just blind then i would love to be told asap :crying: and if she gets a canon birth date i will, of course, edit this but for the time being i am placing her birthday at NOVEMBER 13TH. i feel like a water sign is perfect for her.

WHEN SHE WAS IN THE CHILDREN'S HOME.... she didn't actually listen to a lot of pop music !! given that she was a misanthrope, she probably resonated was more with jrock and metal music especially when growing up. when she became an idol she kept listening to that type of music, likely having it on a workout playlist of some kind.

WHEN IT COMES TO TECHNOLOGY... she wasn't really literate with it until she became an idol, in which she realized early on the importance of having multiple different phones and devices to keep communications from overlapping. we know that she had multiple different phones that she used to communicate with different people. with video games and the like she probably watched other kids play older consoles in the children's home, but she hasn't really played anything herself.

SHE'S SO USED TO SLEEPING in loud environments that it's sometimes difficult for her to get a good nights rest without a tv show / music / white noise to help her fall asleep.

HER LEAST FAVORITE FOOD is white rice, this is a fact. but she's a big fan of sweet things. things like cakes and cookies are a bit of a delicacy, her mother never would have gotten her anything like that as a form of celebration, and when she was in the children's home... there were so many kids that there was never a way to focus on one kids special day, and they were likely made to be a group thing... and so, she never really HAD a chance to have a lot sweet foods, since kids would always hog it. the first time she ever had a homemade cake that she could actually savor would have been either as a celebration for her becoming part of b-komachi, or when there was a celebration for b-komachi doing well as an idol group.

ty for coming to my ted talk.

[lielove]

what soft romance cliché are you ??

the almost kiss.

you're unsure about things, always hesitating. why is that? maybe there's something to lose for you, but maybe (just maybe) the risk is worth it. you're the moment when the main characters lean in, lips parted and almost touching. but it's not the actual kiss everyone loves, it's the anticipation. when they look into each other's eyes before their lids flutter close. and there's a lot of frustration when things are interrupted. trust me though, you're a lot more memorable than the actual kiss. you're nervous, but at the end of the day all you want is to be loved.

tagged by ; i stole this i'm ngl.

tagging ; @idolgifted @kamikiproductions @solivcgant && anyone else that wants to steal this !! : D

[lielove]

which tragic death would you suffer?

the sacrifice

you die saving the thing you love. maybe it is family, friends, perhaps even a cause. they will carry your face with them for the rest of their lives, and every milestone they pass will make them think of you. it does not matter because you won't be there to experience it with them. years down the line, they will meet people who do not even know the weight of your name upon their skin. this is what your selflessness gets you in the end.

tagged by ; @idolgifted

tagging ; if you see this, i tag you !! ♡

[lielove]

thinkin about the eventuality of ai finding someone she can trust and truly wants to be friends with but realizing that having a real friendship means opening up the gigantic can of worms that is "yeah, a lot of what i told you about my past is a lie." and it's just going to be rough for all parties involved.

lying is all she's ever known, she's never had any real friends and it'll be a big hurdle for her to cross when the time comes. : (

even if her background is a lie, the memories and feelings of wanting to be friends would be real but of course... it's hard for someone to trust your words when you admit that you lied about so much of yourself....

[lielove]

tags !!