#ヒール (HEXL)

[tsutsukkomi]

HEXL /『ヒール』theory post

( trigger warning for mentions of transphobia, intrusive thoughts, and bullying! )

so here is my interpretation / theory post on what i think Loin’s song HEXL could mean, based mostly on visuals. i would just like to point that i myself am ftm, so this is a bit more of a personal interpretation based on the mv, though i will include very roughly translated lyrics if it adds onto what i'm trying to say.

this is my very first vocaloid theory post! i love loin and this song really hit home for me, so i wanted to write about it. plus lots of visuals because nekozemon’s art for the mv is gorgeous!

to summarize; i believe this song is about an ftm trans boy who was bullied for being trans, and was called a monster for it. at the end of the video, he accepts who he is and, if he truly is a monster, he decides to embrace it.

before i start, here are some things i was able to gather from @loin and @nekozemon’s (the artist’s) twitter. loin (@L0_1N)’s tag line for the song on their twitter describes hexl as “a story of a way of life that is not the leading role” (or at least, that’s what my translation said). nekozemon describes how, when they were younger, they would be forced into the team that would lose rock-paper-scissors in class, and mentioned how they wanted to make use of that experience / feeling in an mv. these are just rough translations though, so take that with a grain of salt!

trans terminology to know: ftm (female to male), afab (assigned female at birth), amab (assigned male at birth), agab (assigned gender at birth)

to me personally, the protagonist in this mv (uniform aside) doesn't look as masculine as, say, the "prince" character (who, for convenience sake, i'll just call prince). if you look at the protagonist at 0:09 and at 0:30 his hair appears to be a little longer and more unkempt than prince's is. this stood out to me and reminded me of when i first cut my hair short, and how messy and unkempt it was, and even though it was short it was still difficult for me to present as entirely masculine, and since this character is wearing a school uniform i’d assume this was their first time cutting their own hair / they’re inexperienced with it.

also, if you squint, the protagonist has pink lips, whereas prince doesn't, and the protagonist also has quite noticeable eyelashes. this character design reminds me a lot of an ftm person who is still slowly transitioning, and despite him wearing the male uniform, his facial features / hair still give away that he is afab.

if you look at prince, he doesn't have pink lips or eyelashes like that at all.

i would also like to point out prince's use of the line "化け物じみてる図体でさぁ……。" which roughly translates to "it's a monster-like figure..." this stuck out to me because trans people are often seen as "freaks" or "monsters", basically they're seen as different but for a bad reason. i know i experience a lot of similar discrimination in school due to my gender identity, and was called a freak for it as well.

additionally, the word "urameshi ya" is tossed in there, which roughly translates into "envy". the protagonist envies prince for being amab, for having it easy since he’s cis, and for not knowing what it feels like to get bullied the way our protagonist is.

at 0:31, in his bag, you can see the heels and the monster mask for the first time, and i believe they’re obscured in his bag (and even blurred before coming into focus) because, at this point and time, he doesn’t want neither the mask nor the heels to be seen, and he tries to hide them, as if to symbolize the protagonist wishing he wasn’t trans, wishing he wasn’t himself. i’ll get back to those.

at 0:39 the protagonist imagines his bully in the prince attire. i’ll get back to this as well since it comes up much more evidently again later on, but this was the first instance of it happening.

at 0:25, the protagonist is sitting beside this piece of gymnastics equipment that i can’t remember the name of. often p.e. classes require a change of clothes, and girls and boys tend to have different phys ed uniforms. protagonist sitting beside this piece of equipment and playing his game could symbolize him choosing not to participate in p.e. so as to not feel his dysphoria when he has to wear the phys ed uniform.

i can then see the protagonist playing his video game as symbolism for trying to immerse himself in a different world. this is something i also would do; i would play games or watch anime as a way to escape, and would try to superimpose myself onto the identity of, say, a male protagonist character, as a form of coping with my identity.

however, because of the constant bullying he received from prince, instead of seeing himself as the male video game character, he instead sees himself as the monster (remember that prince referred to him as a monster as well when he bullied the protagonist).

our protagonist chooses to see his bully as the prince character because the prince who bullies him irl is amab, and to him that is a sort of "royalty" or “luxury” the protagonist never got to have. after all, no one would bully a prince, right?

he's seen as inherently good solely for sticking to his assigned gender at birth. our protagonist, however, was seen as a monster for choosing to go against his birth gender and being ftm. the protagonist lets the monster kill his video game avatar because he sees it as himself (the monster) being able to stand up to his bully (the prince), if that makes sense.

also to note, a high heeled shoe can be seen in his eye at 0:53, possibly symbolizing that he’s still having trouble accepting his identity, and feels he is still too feminine for people to see him as a guy.

however, after the monster kills his avatar, the screen says "game over" (1:06). this could be symbolism for how, even if he stands up to the people bullying him for his gender, he won't win because he'll never be amab like them.

the protagonist thinks to himself, "時に、悪は愛より美しいぜ", roughly translated to "sometimes, evil is more beautiful than love". he thinks of himself as "evil" because he is the monster, but believes that just because he's "evil" doesn't mean he's ugly...?

i feel the "love" part could be in reference to how, at the end of the mv, when the prince kisses the princess, it is shown as "beautiful" for being not just a heterosexual relationship, but a heterosexual relationship between two cis people. however, those cis people (or at least, the prince bully), aren't beautiful for the way they discriminate against and treat the protagonist.

at 1:08, prince hands the protagonist a monster mask. we know at the end of the video that prince was the protagonist in what appeared to be a school play (which may have been another reason for the protagonist associating him with the character in his game), so prince holding this mask out to our protagonist is almost like him taunting the protagonist more with how much of a "freak" he really is. it's sort of like prince is firmly implying that he's a monster, so this mask would suit him.

the protagonist gazes down at the mask (1:14) and i didn't quite know what to make of this. it's like he's looking at it, searching for an answer, trying to figure out what he should do. the lyrics after this, from what i translated, said something of "the tragedy of my sentence"; this could be interpreted as the protagonist seeing his afab body as being a prison, and it is tragic because he can never escape it. he cannot change the fact that he is afab, and that makes him feel imprisoned. 

i feel like the other, smaller monsters (as well as the big one to a certain extent) could also symbolize his "inner demons", as in the thoughts things such as being trans, not presenting masculine enough, being called a monster etc., that he faces every day; his intrusive thoughts. this could be a symptom of the dysphoria he experiences. i don't have anything for the lyrics here agsdhgjksfg

this is where the chorus comes again, and i would like to point out the usage of the name "cinderella" in this chorus. in cinderalla's fairy tale (the disney version, at least) when she wears her glass slippers, she transforms into a beautiful princess. these glass slippers are often depicted as being heels, which are a type of shoe seen as inherently feminine. however the lyrics here say "we're not cinderella".

i don't know who the "we" is referring to outside of the protagonist (maybe the other monsters that show up?), but in the first chorus the line is "there are shoes that only we can wear", and in the second chorus it says "there are wounds that only we can understand". the shoes lyric could be in reference to how some clothes are stereotypically seen as being inherently masculine or feminine (such as the heels being an inherently feminine thing to wear). the verse about wounds, however, could symbolize the discrimination that lgbt+ people (specifically trans people, in this case) experience every day, and how cishet people could never understand something like that.

i also believe that “cinderella” could symbolize the transformation he goes through, aka his transition from being female to male. cinderella's transformation into a princess gave her a sort of confidence, so she could go to the ball and dance with the prince. here the protagonist claims he’s “not cinderella”, because while he does transform, he doesn’t transform into something that society typically deems “beautiful,” however, he transforms into what makes him feel confident, despite society seeing him as “evil” or as a “monster”.

also to note, at 1:58 there’s a monster in his eye instead of the high heel shoe. this could symbolize him slowly starting to accept himself, and i will explain why him “seeing himself as a monster” could also symbolize him accepting his identity in a bit.

the "let's crush them! it's not right!" line could be seen as the protagonist's intrusive thoughts again. when he sees the monster beating up the prince character, he probably thinks that he could do the same to his bully. however, the line after, "there is a way of salvation that isn't a mistake", are probably what he thinks to counteract those negative intrusive thoughts. the protagonist, not letting his intrusive thoughts get to him, thinks, 'there must be a way to solve my problem without getting physical'.

also, 1:43 is the protagonist literally seeing his bully as the prince character in his game. this makes it quite evident that he sees the monster in his game as himself. and every time the protagonist comes close to pushing the button to fight back, he instead chooses to let the monster win. this could be seen as him mentally standing up to his bully, or as him letting his "inner demons", his intrusive thoughts, win.

people with dysphoria tend to suffer from these intrusive thoughts a lot, which is why i feel it is such a major part of this song. at the beginning, the bullying the protagonist receives from prince probably only increase his already bad intrusive thoughts, making him feel like he'll always be a monster, and that he'll never be a boy, or that nobody will ever see him as a boy.

i'm not quite sure what to make of 2:08 to 2:27. it could be seen as the protagonist trying to fight his intrusive thoughts, hence why all the monsters disappear, but he always looks so... expressionless, sad even. perhaps it could be because he's used to being bullied and treated like a monster like this, but when he says "we're not cinderella", it could be him finally emphasizing and slowly accepting who he is. like he's not letting his monsters get to him anymore. 

there's also those hands on a clock, which probably symbolize the clock striking midnight in the cinderella fairy tale, which causes cinderella to turn back into her regular, old self. however the hands move past midnight when they're hovering over the protagonist's face, which could symbolize that he's not going to stop being who he is.

when he puts on the heels, (3:36), he also puts on the monster mask. he “stays transformed”, he remains a boy, because that’s who he is.

the final chorus, i believe, is the protagonist coming to terms with and accepting who he is. he finally pushes that button and conquers the monster in his game, symbolizing that he's letting that part of himself die. he's letting the part of himself that constantly doubted his gender die, and he's accepting who he is. 

after he looks down at those heels (3:06-3:08), he looks back up, as if he has some sort of newfound resolve. he's probably looking ahead to the play that's happening at 3:34 (it’s very subtle, but his eyes go wide when he looks up to the play at first). nekozemon also does something really neat here, making it look like the protagonist is finally stepping out of the shadows when he lifts his head, which could symbolize a multitude of things... specifically that he’s not going to keep his identity hidden anymore, no longer in the shadows.

the monster dies, but he has a smile on his face at 3:24, whereas when he was struggling earlier he looked angry. but once the protagonist walked past him (probably headed towards the stage), he smiles, because the protagonist has finally found the confidence to be himself. he explodes into confetti--something that usually appears at celebrations like birthdays. this could be a symbol of the protagonist finally celebrating his newfound self-confidence.

at 3:35, we see the prince looking shocked as the protagonist steps onto the stage. not only is he wearing the heels that (probably) once taunted him in the past, but he's got the mask that the bully handed to him before over his head to. 

before pulling it down over his face, at 3:37 the protagonist smiles for the first time in the whole song. he was emotionless this whole time, but after finally accepting who he is, he smiles. if the bully wants him to be a monster, then the protagonist decides, he'll be his monster.

the title also changes from "heel" to "heal". the heels are obviously a reference to the shoes, but they could also literally mean "heel" as in to control or discipline, like when someone tells a dog to heel. when the bully turned into the prince at 1:43 and held his sword out, it looked as though the prince (the bully) is telling the monster (the protagonist) to heel. but at the end, when the protagonist accepts who he is, he's decided to heal. he's healing from what his bully did to him, he's healing from his intrusive thoughts, from his dysphoria, he's healing and accepting himself.

and that was my interpretation! if you read all that then thank you, i know it's really long but this song really hit home for me and reminded me of when i was younger and experiencing major dysphoria before i started to accept myself. if you have any other interpretation of the song (especially the lyrics, because i can't speak japanese and google translated most of this HJFHGJKSFG) i would love to hear them!!!

[vocaloid-tunes]

HEXL | Loin feat. v flower