#🅱️oneless gender

[social-buttface]

so uhhh......am i non-🅱️inary????

like, i’ve been wondering for a bit, like a year or more idk. it’s hard to explain bc calling myself nonbinary isn’t necessarily important to me; my gender identity isn’t that important to me* but every time i’m asked my gender on a school/medical survey i sorta cringe but always go with female bc it feels safer (or just “prefer not to say”). but a lil part of me still says “no!! not right!!!” but it doesn’t feel relevant enough to click the non-binary option? & also i don’t know what the consequences of choosing non-binary might be in certain contexts, bc as we all know transphobia is unfortunately Alive and Well in this world. female just feels like a comfortable safe default (and male is an obvious no for me)

(*actually a better way of looking at that would probably be that having others perceive me how i perceive myself isn’t that important to me, like i’m fine being labeled a girl/woman if the situation is such that i wouldn’t feel comfortable pointing anything out to the contrary & i’m cool w being called a daughter/granddaughter/niece/girlfriend/etc)

ig nonbinary is an umbrella term that just means “outside of the binary” which itself falls under the umbrella term transgender which is not identifying as the gender you were assigned at birth. but like what does that even mean, your assigned gender at birth? i’m afab and was raised female but was not shoved into any overbearingly “female” roles. i remember having two cars for my barbies/bratz dolls; one was a lavender colored 2008ish VW Beetle, and the other was a scarlet 2008ish Mustang, and i’d play with whichever one fit my mood better that day. My mom sometimes seemed to take issue with me expressing interest in overtly “feminine” things like disney princesses and frills and tiaras, which made me feel weird about liking that stuff, plus i was fat my entire life since the age of like 7, which stunted my ability to feel feminine in many ways, or to feel allowed to be feminine at all. i never felt desirable or elegant or mysterious or gentle like how i saw other girls (very sapphic of me in hindsight); instead i felt clunky and awkward and repulsive and aimless and hopeless. A part of me really feels like my gender identity and expression are tied strongly to my experience being overweight, and yet another part of me wants to dig past all of that and find the real, raw answer; what i’d be like if i either didn’t grow up overweight or just wasn’t bothered by it. like in Spirited Away and she’s trying to clear all the muck away from the river spirit...just wanna tie a rope to it and yank it out lol

i’ve dressed more femininely since i’ve weighed less in the past few years, but i also dress masc, especially for work. it’s more like i’m hiding my body less at this point (& a lot of that is just coming with age, not even the losing weight, i feel like. like i just care less about what others are thinking most of the time) And i’ve never been close friends with more overtly “feminine” girls - my best/close friends through the years have all been varying degrees of gnc (save for one but that friendship that was more out of proximity & ended,,,badly). i could never relate to the interests and thought processes of the “girly girls” but i don’t think i was even the “i’m not like most girls” type that much because i never let myself really consider myself a girl especially around girls like that. to them i was just the underdog

but i also think of like, what would i have been like, gender identity-wise, if i’d had siblings? or if i grew up in a nuclear family type traditional household? a household that valued and enforced gender roles? or in the 1970’s? how would i feel then? and why do i feel like i need that frame of reference to understand how i feel now, who i actually am, lmao. why does it matter?

i also really crave validation and praise for the more feminine parts of me when it comes to others feeling romantic or sexual feelings for me, but i can’t tell if that’s wanting reassurance of my gender, or reassurance that i am attractive and desirable? i love being in a pretty flowy dress and in brightly colored makeup and 3” heeled boots but i also love my button downs tucked into wranglers and wearing my steel toed scratched up wolverine boots and i’ve strongly considered getting a binder jus to have it (titties too big to actually use it for extended periods of time) and i have a pretty masculine gait. and yes i’m very aware that presentation =/= gender always but they do feel very connected for me

i was drunker when i started writing this and it’s been like 2 hours. i have no idea what i even wanted to say here other than i’m just real confused , but i also wouldn’t be surprised if there’s a timeline in which 25 year old me who openly identifies as non binary is reading back on this and chuckling at what a naive fool i am. an absolute scoundrel, a fiend, a buffoonish rapscallion... tearing myself open like i’m trying to find my hearing aid in a large bush (i speak, unfortunately, from experience...gone but never forgotten R.I.P. left hearing aid 201?-2013) (if you’re in outer banks NC keep an eye out lmao. who am i kidding. it’s in the ocean now)

feel free to comment if ya want. i don’t expect many ppl will read this all the way through & it’s mostly just for me to put these thots down in words before they escape me or i twist it too much for myself, also so i can read back on it in the future. i have corrected so many spelling errors writing this. i must sleep. free the nipple yall.