#🦷 [Cᴏᴍᴍᴇɴᴄɪɴɢ ᴛʜᴇ ʟᴏɢ] About Shay & Headcanon

[shayochism]

Killing is something Shayan isn't... Used to, but also not far from knowing about.

Because of her there's been three deaths, which to her she's feeling rather lucky about because she doesn't actually want to kill people (except maybe a few people from her past). Beating people up and pulling their teeth, albeit it being sadistic, is more her thing, and she enjoys that.

Deep down she isn't a bad person at all, just cold-hearted and with a bad history that's repeating on her at all hours. So killing isn't something she's entirely comfortable with, though knows has to be done.

She joined Rocket at sixteen and it was over a year later that she finally stopped rebelling and acting like a stupid teenager, getting beaten up and beating people up alike, deciding to then dedicate her life to getting recognized in a gang she knew very little about. So when they asked her to prove herself not too long after being noticed as a good recruit, she was all over it as gaining recognition was something she desired.

It was a simple request of loyalty. Do this or fail and forever be looked down upon and never advance. So she was very eager to prove herself. All she had to do was pull information from someone bound in a chair while being given access to all the equipment she could ever need.

To keep a long story short, she found the pair of pliers she would keep with her for the rest of her life, and pulled the man's teeth out one by one. He eventually spoke through a mouthful of blood and agony, but one glance from the watching superior, she knew how it had to end. And so wrapped up in the adrenaline of watching someone suffer at her hand, which would later help her realise she's a sadist and simply enjoys watching people suffer, she knew she had to end the man's life. She couldn't hear or see the superior after a few moments, completely focused on what she had to do. She went for a knife settled nearby, turned around, and quickly plunged it into the man's chest with all the might she could muster. But she didn't hang around, quickly walking to the door moments later before being given the chance to leave the room, of which those ten seconds waiting for the door to open felt like forever.

It was as though that, if she ignored the scene behind her as she left, she hadn't done it at all. She didn't see the man die. It was never confirmed he did, though she is aware he must have perished some time after. She just got her reward later of good praise and a promotion to agent, and continued her life. She didn't allow the sickness to overtake her, or the bad thoughts, or any negativity. She just hid them deep inside and dissociated herself from the entire thing for a long time to come.

Sure, it eventually hit her months later and she sobbed in her room for hours, but then she seemed back to normal the next morning. No guilt, nothing. And months after that was when she started to feel guilty again, but once more, she forced to not let it bother her, even coming up with scenarios and situations that demanded that the man must die, like he was a murderer or something, so it was justified.

The other two deaths were of grunts under her command on missions. A cave-in crushing one on one mission, and another killed by a rampaging Rhyperior in the wild. And once again she never stuck around to linger and confirm their deaths, though both times were pretty obvious. She simply returned to the base one grunt less, clocked in the statistics, and moved on.

If you don't see them dead, it wasn't your fault.

[shayochism]

// I made Shayan's shitty lil apartment thing on the Sims a while ago. It's worse than this with partially damaged windows and peeling wallpaper, but I ain't gonna trawl the internet looking for things to install lol

[shayochism]

Shayan was obsessed with eating so healthily that it became a problem in the past. Once she was keen on becoming a great agent in Rocket, training her body, trauma also further sank in.

Leaving home at age ten was a godsend for her. Prior to that, living at home, she hardly got to eat. The family was in chaotic tatters, to put it bluntly. With two brothers, father, little sister, and her mother who left to later be replaced by her father's mistress, it was everybody for themselves. They didn't do a big shopping trip for weekly groceries, but instead, the father brought home a few things once a while, as did the mother with her scarce money as the father controlled the finances. The mistress, when she moved in instead of Shayan's mother, didn't bring home anything for anybody else. Luckily her mother only left at age nine, so there was only a year of heavy starvation, whereas prior to that it was simply moderate.

The family binged on takeaways most nights because nobody wanted to cook, and when the father or mother brought home anything that had to be cooked, it was something instant or very easy.

With food, the older brothers and father obviously got the best. They'd barge to the table the second anything was put upon it, and took what they desired, leaving Shayan, her little sister, and mother with nearly nothing. Whatever Shayan got, she hid in her closet in case things got way too bad and she really had to eat when nothing had been available for days. Sure, some food rotted, but it was better to be safe than sorry. When the mistress moved in, it became worse, and she had to resort to often eating food that had gone off, which would leave her ill more than not.

Hence, when she joined Rocket and got paid better and started working out, she became obsessed with eating healthily in fear of becoming ill. She had to know where all her food came from and that it was healthy and clean, that it wouldn't make her ill, and that it wouldn't allow her to put weight on; a disorder known as "orthorexia".

These days she's started her own self-discovered recovery, forcing herself to eat more varied things and from different sources, even going as far as eating takeaways once a while. But she still struggles at times.

[shayochism]

I just wanted to draw an outfit. Sloppily. 'cause I'm lazy today.

Shayan dresses in all black and dark gray, the clothing being baggier and covering most of her body. She never shows much skin other than maybe the elbows and her upper arms (We got a knee this time!). Sometimes she even covers most of her hands with fingerless gloves. The neck warmer is always a must. She always layers that shit on, even in summer. Her belongings go in the bag under her choice of jacket/hoodie. Pokéballs go under the hoodie on the belt/chest belt.

Nevers: Tight clothing. Much skin showing. Colours. Pretty things. Feminine things. Any jewelry except for a chain and padlock around the neck, because rings can get your fingers ripped off, and everything else is annoying.

[shayochism]

She sort of wants a partner one day, but the idea also gives her negative feelings, and, thinking about it all, she just gets stressed and angry. It's a case of wanting someone to protect her instead of her protecting others as she does sometimes protect new grunts from the masses of assholes that pop up to dish out abuse. If they seem nice enough, anyway. But the idea of someone wrapping their arms tightly around her, telling her nice things and that everything is okay, would be a welcome change. And yet too she despises the idea because she thinks she will look weak and pathetic, and of course, she cannot ever let her guard down as nobody can truly be trusted, she thinks.

In the past, she fell for someone much older, and it ended badly. It left a huge stain on her mind that she cannot ever get close to someone ever again, and if she does then it will surely go wrong. Sure, he was nice to her, but it was all wrong. She was too young to understand relationships and all that, and she only agreed to it to feel more 'grown up'. So when it came to a crashing end, she felt sour, used, and horrible, and vowed to never like anybody else ever again. Half her life later and she's still angry about it all.

[shayochism]

It’s sad. Shayan was brought up in a homophobic (and abusive) family. She didn’t meet anybody gay, or bi, or trans, not way until after leaving home. Her family were the sort who were like “they’re GAY. Avoid them at all costs, it’s wrong!” and she just... was like “okay...” but didn’t think too much of it. It wasn’t something that was spoken about, except on like three occasions until she left home at ten. So she grew up just not really knowing about it or paying attention to it. Life was just going to school and then going home, sometimes playing out with other kids, but you know, she never came across gay people etc except on one occasion on a family outing, then twice on TV. Unlike most people, her friends (who she wasn’t close with anyway) didn’t talk much to her about anything, so there was never that younger discussion of “have you heard of gay/lesbian people?”

Luckily, albeit all that, she wasn’t ever phobic as such due to never really noticing it all, so when she did leave home at ten and see the world, see people who were gay holding hands etc, she started to think on it a bit. And the only conclusion she came to was “I don’t fucking care what people do”. Because she had more important things to do.

In Rocket, joining at sixteen, she met a few LGBTQ+ people and her world opened up more as she became more receptive to humans in general. She became someone who was like “I don’t care what people identify as as long as they’re not attacking me”, which later, around age eighteen, became “I will punch someone for being phobic”. Her mindset definitely changed and she’s now very supportive.

But she still thinks (hopes) she’s straight because of that inner phobia drilled into her by her parents. And she’s not straight at all.

For the past five or six years she’s been having deep thoughts about women. And her gender. But “it doesn’t matter because haha i’m a straight cis woman who just has bad thoughts!!”. And it’s like... Sweetie... You get hot over thinking about women which, yea, you freak out about ‘cause you’re “straight”, and you don’t resonate with being a woman. But it doesn’t take a rocket (hahaa) scientist to realize your sexuality when it’s staring you in the face. 

It’s just pure denial now. And that’s sad.

[shayochism]

> Headcanon: Shayan’s Tyranitar

   At age fourteen, Shayan managed to catch a rather rowdy, highly proud Larvitar and take it away from its group that it seemed to lead, ensuring the Pokémon was strong from the moment she caught it, as is what she wanted. It was a hard battle with her Houndour and Muk both being weak to it, but they pulled through and Larvitar joined the team. It later evolved to Pupitar when she joined Rocket, and then to Tyranitar when she was eighteen after rigorous, rather dangerous training where she strained herself and the Pokémon alike, falling to exhaustion on most days. The Tyranitar obeyed every command, too exerting itself and threatening its health. But, like Shayan, it was too into the training to ever consider its own health and wellbeing.

   By age nineteen, she was obsessed with power and growing in strength, training day in and out albeit more carefully now after landing herself in the medical wing a few too many times from dehydration, exhaustion, and the likes. But, craving to be the best under the boss’s eyes, she still didn’t feel good enough, and so when chance came to enrol in a project for more power, she jumped at the chance, and chose her all powerful Tyranitar as the subject. As she was wanting to be all powerful, she didn’t think twice about its health and whatever else.

   The Tyranitar was put through a training program to up its levels of power in an experiment similar to what ‘Dark’ Pokémon go through, but without the Dark ball being involved, making use of toxins, implants, and hormone experiments. Needless to say, it did work, and the Tyranitar became a great, powerful creature. But the cost was its sanity, leaving it rather tormented, but not broken with all luck. So after an entire year, it was considered a success. Shayan was happy with the results albeit the beast threatening to turn on her on occasion. 

   Then after only a month came round two of volunteering for powerful experiments. This time with mega evolution. Granted a Mega stone and Tyranitarite, the pair entered side by side this time for experimentation on mega evolution to try and lengthen the ability, make it stronger, so forth and so on, anything that would have people and Pokémon benefit Mega evolution itself. Of course, as Tyranitar was already partially considered a ‘Dark’ Pokémon, the experiment was of intrigue to many of the scientists, and all knew they had to tread carefully. 

   Nothing went wrong per say, but the pair had to be taken out of the project due to their bodies being unable to take the strain anymore, after only a month. Tyranitar ran rampant on too many occasions, unable to contain its immense anger and power from the transformations, and Shayan more often than not fell unconscious due to her using so much energy as she let the bond between them utterly consume her in the process. So in the end they were deemed too much a threat to the wellbeing of others and themselves, and the experiments were halted for another time. 

   These days, looking back on it all, Shayan has regrets for letting her Tyranitar suffer so much, and for years now they have worked on their anger issues together, side by side, while trying to repair trust, friendship, and their bonds, all while being too afraid to use Mega evolution ever again.

[shayochism]

> Rundown of Shayan’s main Pokémon

     Houndoom is loyal and bloodthirsty and only listens to its master. It’s got various scars from battle and the canine teeth on both top and bottom have been replaced with titanium implants. It’s also large for its species and heavily muscular. Never used in official battles due to the tooth modifications being illegal.

     Fearow is absolutely massive and vicious. By far overgrown. It once was the lead of a flock of Spearow and Fearow that went unchallenged for many years until Shayan fought it and won with help of her Aggron.

     Tyranitar and Aggron are both large for their kin and the Tyranitar has been experimented upon, something of which Shayan now regrets albeit it increasing the Pokémon’s strength and resilience. They’re nicknamed the Twin Behemoths for obvious reasoning, both used at the same time to cause utter devastation as they command the move hyperbeam side by side. They also use earthquake and can destroy buildings with ease.

     Alakazam isn’t one used for battle much but instead is used as a getaway from much needed situations, also raising up barriers and disabling moves where needed. Known as a protector to the rest of the team in a way. While the rest battle, it will look out and protect them where needed with its guard moves.

     Weavile is Shayan’s little pickpocket to give her some extra cash, or is used for intel gathering.

[shayochism]

Shayan doesn't forgive or forget. She lets it fester and consume her.

Even now she won't forgive someone who hurt her when she was fifteen. She won't forgive her abusive father which she left way before that. And she won't forgive her brothers for being just as bad. She won't forgive her stepmother for doing nothing about it all. She won't even forgive the trainer that punched her in the face last week because he was frustrated that he lost so hard when he had no chance of winning, all because she used the Twin Behemoths for a quick sweet of his team, which was completely unfair of her. His frustrations, albeit being valid, weren't welcome, and she will punch him twice as hard when she next sees him.

But she also won't forgive herself for being weak, if when she was a child and didn't fight back against the abuse or bulling, or when she allowed herself to get manipulated by an older guy. There's no forgiveness for herself as much as there is for other people.

No matter who annoys her, fucks her over, or does whatever, however long ago, she won't forgive or forget, and she will let it grow inside until she acts out, if against herself in frustration, or against the culprit when they meet again.

[shayochism]

It was a test of loyalty and courage that got Shayan to love a trusty pair of rusted pliers, a pair she used at the specified situation and then decided to always take with her from thereon out.

Pulling information from people can be hard or easy, depending on who they are and their resilience. The person she was faced with was hard on the outside and talked the talk, but later crumbled once she started the more fun part of it all. She was given a broad variety of instruments in order to get this man to speak, and had the choice of using anything in any way she wanted. Get creative, they said. Cuts and abrasions didn't do much, and she was at her wits end as those were the only things she knew at the time, thinking she may actually fail the challenge and be seen as a disloyal failure to Rocket. But then she saw the pliers just sitting there, untouched, and had a great idea to pull the man's teeth one by one.

And it worked.

It gave her a huge sense of power and pride alike, both of which she needed so direly at the time. She was still young and trying to climb the ranks of the gang and gain any recognition, which she had just enough to get her into this test. But she needed more, much more, to feel any tiny sense of self-worth. She had to be glorified and adored by her superiors and had to perform under their watchful gazes for this one situation. So when the man finally spoke, his mouth bloodied and hurting, she knew there and then that she could make anybody talk with the pliers she would now never left behind.

[shayochism]

Sometimes she feels bad that she agreed to have her Houndoom's fangs replaced with titanium implants on both the lower and upper jaws, but as is always the case with negative thinking, she pushes it away and bottles it up. There's no use feeling regret. It's a waste of time and a stupid, rather pathetic emotion.

Either way, this also means she cannot legally use him for battle and so only ever uses him when it's required, such as with a hard battle or against water types that can take his Thunder Fang attack well enough. Things like that. Or even if she just knows the opposition won't notice or really care to report it, because no doubt it's reportable, and she doesn't want to get involved with that mess of a situation. She cannot be bothered.

As for Houndoom, he feels no pain with the implants, and having them put in was pain free as he was put under and then on pain medication until it all settled. After having healed a long time ago, they now feel just like natural teeth, and instead of feeling regret or even anger at getting them, he actually feels pride and rather happy about it all. He knows the Thunder Fang attack is immense because of the implants, and they also show off well, make him look more fierce and strong, which he prides himself upon. So he does like them quite a lot. Sadly, Shayan doesn't completely know this, but sort of picked up on it in the past due to Houndoom's body language and attitude with it all, but still isn't sure if it was the right decision or if he's just putting on a fake act or not.

[shayochism]

Shayan has the tendency to over-explain things at times while also dancing around her true thoughts. She will babble on about this and that and hide the real meaning behind her words because usually they will make her seem weak, so she has to put on a facade of not caring while also... Talking too much. It's simply because nobody listened to her as a kid, and when she did speak, everything was taken out of context and spun in the wrong direction to make her look bad, as her family pretty much wanted to purposely put her down by words. So yea, she will overly explain and also avoid what she's really meaning.

[shayochism]

Headcanon: Food habits

TW for food-related disorder

While growing up, Shayan had a lack of access to proper food, and what she did get she would stash away for a later date in fear of one day having no access at all. This led to her having an unhealthy relationship with food in general as she grew up.

It was a sort of 'free for all' at home. Her mother was hardly around as she was avoiding her husband, and said father didn't care about anything other than working and working away when he could. So it left Shayan with her three brothers to all get what they could of their own accord. The brothers, all older, would bring home food, sometimes for Shayan, but they didn't have all that much money so what she got was very little. When her younger sister was born, she gave most of what she got to her. When she did get food, she ate very little of the measly amount and stashed the rest in her room, hidden, in fear it would be taken away 'by her greedy family', and to have it for the future so that if things got really bad, she had something to nibble on. It did end with a lot of rotting food in her wardrobe.

Leaving home when she could, at age ten, she had very little money to herself in general and often went hungry as she did at home. But it didn't bother her much because she was finally free, albeit feeling guilty about leaving her little sister, who got taken into care with one quick and specific call to the police. So she ate when she could, but felt guilty every time she did, deep down thinking she didn't deserve the food, as was something her father would often yell when she did snatch up something extra to eat when at home. But during those days, anything was game as long as it was edible.

Eventually, around age sixteen when she joined Rocket and got some money, body issues became a thing to her and she became fixated on staying healthy by skipping meals and only eating anything she considered healthy enough for her, due to the fact she wanted to be strong and in shape. It was a year later when a haze of anger and depression lifted that she finally started working out to aid her image, wanting to actually improve and be good at her job.

By twenty-two, after the incidents with Aqua and a rival named Jared, she then focused on eating all too healthily beyond what was actually considered good for the body as her mental health spiraled. While she had the money for decent meals by now, she would never snack and focused on two meals a day based around anything 'clean and healthy', like plain noodles with salads as a common theme. She had to get the ingredients herself and ensure they were raw, clean, and healthy alike, which was difficult because the fridge she had often broke, leaving the food to rot at times. But she got by with her obsession, thinking all was fine, even if she was obsessive with her habits.

It was only at age twenty-eight that her issues with money became so bad due to gambling that she had to resort to eating whatever she could get her hands on, like processed foods as they were cheaper. In the long run, it has brought her out of the obsessive phases, though even to this day it gives her a bit of anxiety to eat something she sees as not 'wholly healthy'.

[shayochism]

⯈ Public: She enjoys pulling people’s teeth. Obsessed with physical activities and training herself. Has anger issues.

⯈ Subjective to each individual: The burns on her left arm are from a failed mission to capture a Moltres (usually hidden anyway). A sadomasochist. Has a little sister and two older brothers (High ranking Rockets only). Chronic gambler. Gambles her wages every time she’s paid (Only casino workers may pick up on this). Is a part of Project Defas (Who knows who knows this, but some execs/admins may). She’s nicknamed “The Tooth Fairy” (Public Rocket knowledge). Also nicknamed “Menace” (Public Rocket knowledge). Her real name is Shayan, telling the public it’s Ryder instead (Public Rocket knowledge). Her first Pokémon, Muk, died.

⯈ Not public: She keeps lots of the teeth she pulls and knows it’s weird so doesn’t tell anybody. Has a hard phobia of water. Was tortured by a guy named Jared, who is an Aqua gang member. Knows she isn’t cis, but denies the idea.

[shayochism]

// Shayan’s Fearow is huge. Big birb.

[shayochism]

> Headcanon: Motives

     Shayan is purely driven by spite and the need to do better, and to appease her superiors. It lands her with a lot of chaos in the mind and is physically trying, but it’s what she desires the most - To be the best at what she does.

     When she joined Rocket at sixteen, she was a mess of negative emotions and often broke into fight with whoever crossed her path at the wrong moment. But eventually, with lots of time, she seemed to ‘get over’ the worst of it as she threw herself deep into fighting for Rocket. It’s easy to say that when she started taking her job seriously that she proceeded to feel somewhat better as opposed to being a big ball of depression and anger, though still with anger underlying to this very day.

     She started working out almost daily, which these days is a big thing that she takes more seriously and does every day. She also started training her Pokémon alongside herself until they would fall with exhaustion and pain, because she realized that she was indeed weak and pitiful, and that if she wanted to get anywhere in life she would have to catch the eyes of all who watched her at work. So day in and day out she trained and worked hard, rarely faltering.

     Gaining praise came as something strange to her, having never been praised before in her life, not even by family nor at school. Friends? She never had them. She found it weird and uncomfortable at first, but as the years passed she started to crave that feeling of validation, that she was doing good, if not brilliantly. It simply made her feel good, that her life wasn’t a waste. Superiors would comment on her ferocity and tenacity in the workplace when she would fight for whatever she needed to, and so those became her rigorous backbone. Fierce and yet uncaring about herself. That was all she needed to survive and proceed to get various promotions until she reached the rank of Mid-Agent, one below the rank of Elite.

     Still to this day she trains hard with her body and Pokémon, and refuses to let her mind rest. She’s always on alert, if from suspicion of being betrayed or killed, or if because she simply doesn’t want to switch off. To switch off is to slip into laziness, so she thinks, and so she is wholly absorbed in her work. She knows she needs to be physically adept, and mentally also. But when she has years of a horrible past behind her, all she can do is bury the negative, or even take it out on whoever she comes across. 

     Spite also plays a part in her getting better and surviving. Spite has kept her going for a long time. At home, she had a bad life, and leaving that environment later lead to her feeling angry at the whole idea of what had happened, which later turned into spite; If they wanted her to be pitiful and weak, a pushover, then she would evolve into the opposite. There’s also various enemies of hers who would revel in seeing her fall.

     All in all, she will do anything to sate her mental needs if it means she will advance in her job, because getting praise and validation is what she truly wants after so long. That and it gives her a reason to continue in life.