#''half of oneself creating/finding other half of oneself'' is a running personal theme with... varying levels of yikes

[echthr0s]

today's mood: revisiting a story that has Me in it and just going "😬... 🙈" the entire time

[moistwithgender]

Monthly Media Roundup (May 2019)

The march of time inexorably proceeds beyond my grasp and so I must write another post. I’ve been a bit burned out, just focusing on one diversion (it was Zelda, you know it was Zelda), but after finishing it I recovered enough energy to get a few more things done in the last half of the month. I didn’t watch any anime or read any manga in May, though I did read some 70s Marvel, which I liveblog in my “curry reads comics” tag. Last time I did an actual capital-P Post about my Marvel reading was a year ago after marathoning a full(ish) decade. If people are interested in more of that I could work at making posts for each year of issues I read, recapping the developments and my thoughts on them (which will become more relevant as Events become more common, I imagine). I’ve just got a few games to talk about this month, but I imagine I have a lot to say about at least one of them.

The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild (Switch): 2 years ago I did something I extremely rarely do: stood in line at a Best Buy at midnight for the release of the Switch so that I could buy it with BotW. BotW was also out on Wii U, which I had, but the promotional material for BotW had struck such a chord in me that it justified making the jump for the new console (this would eventually become troublesome when the first model of joycons failed, but, well). I got home, put some ten odd hours into it, and then put it down for two years. I’ve always had a problem where, struck with the intuition that I will end up forming a deep relationship with a work, I will put it off for years. I put off Persona 3 for five years after buying it at launch, and it eventually became the most personal game experience I would have, even seven years onward. I think the two factors that pushed me to finally play through BotW was wanting to watch a friend stream it (but also not wanting it spoiled for me), and needing a distraction for when I was taking care of my cat.

It’s been about two months now since he passed away, and I finally finished the game at 215+ hours about half a month ago. So, I was playing this game as a coping method while preparing for loss, and in dealing with loss. It’s appropriate that the game is effectively both a fantasy about reclaiming at least part of what you have lost, and a colossal exercise in coping. The game is as much about getting distracted from your responsibilities and fucking off to snowboard in the mountains as it is about being aware of the world around you. The Zelda games have frequently used themes of Shintoism to portray harmony in nature and in civilization. I’m currently replaying Ocarina of Time and the cosmogony myth (is it a myth if a talking tree explains it to you?) specifically words the goddesses as “[giving] the spirit of law to the world” and “[producing] all life forms who would uphold the law.” When I was younger (see: early 20s) I didn’t scrutinize the text much but now I figure it’s reasonable to read “law” as “natural order”. It should be noted that for an N64 game, OoT has remarkably good prose. BotW, in transitioning the series in what may be its third main genre (as opposed to the genres of Zelda 1 and OoT), has taken that Shintoist aesthetic and incorporated it into the entire philosophy of the game’s design. More than just being a game whose narrative concerns an imbalanced world, BotW embraces the trends of open worlds and immersive sims to create an immense, varied space where the coded laws of physics are always impacting the experience. Thunderstorms make metal equipment a liability, while rain covers the sounds of footsteps. Wind can sweep away items, fire and high temperatures affect flammable objects (including yourself), and aforementioned metallic items can conduct electricity, which can be used to solve puzzles in unintended ways. Weather changes regularly based on the region and changes the world in tandem. Rain doesn’t just fall, it actively collects, and ponds become bigger, and surfaces become slicker. Each systemic element (pun not intended) that was incorporated affected everything else in the world, and in interviews there were mentions that changing the volume of wind in one area had a butterfly effect on another, causing pots to fly off of patios in a village. It’s no wonder the game took five years to make, considering how rarely glitches occur in the game (and most that I know of have to be deliberately recreated for exploitation). You’re engaging with enemies as much as you are with the environment, and at times even with your own body, creating and consuming food and drink for the purpose of staving off sunstroke or frostbite. As a result, BotW’s Hyrule is immensely palpable, and easy to lose oneself in from how livable it feels.

When I first started playing at release, I was a bit disappointed to discover that villages existed in-game, as early promotional material and the state of the Great Plateau you start on painted a picture of a lonely world. In the end, the soundtrack and vast amount of uncolonized land does give an understated sense of melancholy that defines the game, though the fact that every five steps you’ll find a Korok micropuzzle waiting to YA HA HA and fanfare at you betrays that a bit (I still love those Koroks and their puzzles, don’t @ me). The NPCs in this are numerous, though, from the occupants of the villages to wandering traders, and their personalities are all distinct and charming, and probably the best I’ve ever seen in a game, or at least in a long time. If this game wasn’t railroading the Link/Zelda relationship so hard, I would have liked a Dragon’s Dogma-style “date any NPC (within reason)” mechanic. I’m just going to have to start a “NPCs you should marry�� side-tumblr.

Another defining aspect of the gameplay, and easily what makes the game surpass arguably every other Zelda, is how Nintendo heard the decade or so of complaints about the linear Zelda lock-and-key formula being reiterated to the point of stagnation, and, after great success with A Link Between Worlds’ item rental subversion, just decided to make everything optional. You do the tutorial on the Great Plateau, and, if you feel especially gutsy, you can beeline it straight to Ganon. He’s in horse-riding distance, or running distance, if you’re tenacious. Will you make it to him, survive the hordes of enemies, and take him down? If it’s your first time playing the game and you haven’t learned the systems, probably not. Is it possible? Absolutely. Much like how the monthly cycle of a Persona game is a proverbial Rocky training montage of preparing for The Big Fight, everything you do in BotW is in preparation. A lot of open world games can feel dissonant in that you’re incentivized to be distracted as a player and make your own fun, meanwhile the protagonist keeps saying “I’m gonna get bloody revenge on the mafia boss!” during bowling matches. There is still, unavoidably, a sense of urgency played up for narrative sake in BotW, since Impa insists Zelda is waiting and can’t hold Ganon back forever, but it’s all much more narratively justifiable, if you want that. You know, because Zelda is for hardcore roleplaying.

I couldn’t resist a second playthrough, even after logging 215+ hours, so I went ahead and started a separate file on Master Mode, Nintendo’s weird in-house, in-franchise rebranding of, uh, a hard mode. Previously it was called Hero Mode. Why do you--well, okay, I know why they do it. They’re likely trying to distinguish it from a “we just tweaked the numbers” hard mode, and also want to make it feel less threatening than something labeled hard mode. If they’re going to go to the trouble to make it a distinct form of play, they want to try and appeal to everyone. And it is fairly distinct. All enemies are bumped up one rank, so a red bokoblin is blue, and a blue bokoblin is black, and so on. There is a new strongest rank of enemy, though in my run I did not seek them out. There are enemies (and treasure chests!) perched on flying rafts, which can be one-shot with proper bow aiming, but also carry dangerous elemental arrows, and can alert all other enemies in the area. Stealth is much more difficult, and pointless early in. All enemies regenerate up to a third of their health, including bosses! Though, that can be temporarily interrupted by inflicting any amount of damage on them, so it behooves you to be on the offense. Less autosave slots! This wasn’t a problem for me. Guardians randomly delay the firing of their beams! This was absolutely a problem for me and I avoided them entirely in my run. In the beginning when tools and resources are scare, particularly on the Great Plateau, Master Mode is at its hardest, and its most thrilling. Rather than aimlessly exploring, I was pressured to decide where I knew things were, and beeline it to them. Sometime in-between two of the four main optional dungeons, I had amassed enough valuable resources that the game had settled back into the same kind of difficulty as normal mode. Bosses were a little harder due to regen and my resources being somewhat scarcer, but they were manageable. Competently performing flurry attacks (upon successfully dodging attacks at the last second) was extremely valuable to me, but I imagine with enough food in my inventory, I could have brute forced my way through a lot of the fights (though, uh, obviously thou wouldst like to live deliciously (please hate me for this phrasing)). I chose to forego the Master Sword for the sake of challenge, and beat Master Mode with only seven hearts, in around 25 hours. You should play Master Mode, it’s fun.

Here’s a little gameplay SPOILER:

Something I haven’t done, but would like to eventually do, is avoid the main dungeons and just head straight to Ganon. When I played Master Mode, I wasn’t totally confident, and did the dungeons for the resources. After watching some speedruns I learned that if you skip the dungeons, and therefore the main bosses, you have to fight them all at once immediately before the fight with Ganon, without breaks.

That. Sounds. Great.

Wandersong (PC/Steam): Have you heard about Homestuck?

Okay, wait. Wait. Come back, wait. Stop leaving. PLEASE.

Okay, I got the most inflammatory sentence out of the way. Now that we’re eased into that: Wandersong is unignorably influenced by Homestuck. Homestuck conjured a lot of baggage, from having a really difficult, pretentious, arrogant author (I should know, I gave him the benefit of the doubt for way too long), to having some unfortunate narrative turns, to being a billion words long. Wandersong invokes the vaster-than-God scope, the minute and personal perspective of the heroes, and its inclinations toward emotional intelligence (it still surprises me Homestuck had these moments given the author’s deeply unsympathetic sense of humor), and… condenses it! It also makes it a light puzzle-platformer and is about performing music (note: not rhythm, you don’t have to have ANY rhythm), and looks like a Paper Mario game. It is very charming, very funny, very optimistic, and most surprisingly, uncompromising at times. Wandersong says that you, despite your role, are capable of great things, especially self growth and change, as long as you commit to it. If, faced with the consequences of your bad decisions, you choose to double down and keep at it, you will reap what you sow. This is distinctly different from Undertale’s brand of pacifism route optimism, where “no one has to die!” This brand of optimism is a measured but enthusiastic “you can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved, but you can save the rest” and I think that’s a uniquely valuable message.

I was a little confused about the resolution of the communist uprising chapter, but I recall the game bringing my cynicism into question, and the most important thing a work can do is make you question yourself.

(Also, if any of my mutuals are low on funds but interested, I do have a drm-free version I can share.)

Minit (PC/Steam): I don’t think I actually have a lot to say about Minit! It’s very fun and curious and short. You play a little… duck… thing, and you pick up a cursed sword which kills you in one minute. Then you wake up the next day, and die in a minute. Then you wake up the next day. Having only sixty seconds of vitality, you have to optimize your exploration. There’s a slow-speaking old man who you will die listening to, but the hint he gives at the end of his sentence will lead you to something valuable. There’s a guy in a bar angry about the lack of music. If you change the music, he will probably dislike it. If you keep changing the music, you might live to see him like it. There’s a boat ride to a tropical island you have to grit your teeth and wait through. Not all of the events are slow, some are quick bouts of hurried exploration. Most of it is, given the time limit. I’d say more, but given the overall length (it took me about an hour to finish), I’d risk spoiling a sizable fraction of the experience. It’s about $10, though I got mine in a Humble Bundle Monthly subscription. The spec requirements are very low, so your laptop can likely run it.

A Hat in Time (PC/Steam): Heads up, I’m gonna get into a lot of spoilers for this game, including endgame spoilers, but also heads up, the story isn’t really the point in this game. This is a game about tone and platforming. That said, I’m gonna be talking exclusively about the weird ideas in this game, and if you want those weird ideas to be a surprise, then just skip ahead until I put up big letters.

I’m somewhat hesitant to be critical of A Hat in Time because despite a number of weird Things about it, I recognize that it’s quite popular with a lot of people, and that always makes me pause and want to figure out what it is that makes it pass the bar for others. My guess at this point is that it invokes nostalgia through its unmitigated imitation of games that came before. The games it chooses to ape are all your childhood’s Greatest Hits, Wind Waker (which it most resembled in its earliest development), Super Mario Sunshine/Galaxy (which it most resembles now), Banjo-Kazooie, Psychonauts, etc. It never really surpasses those games, for me, and at times cribs from them to the degree that it obscures the game’s own identity. After all, what you enjoy may help define you, but you wouldn’t say it’s your personality. Well. Unless you kin the Gamecube. I guess. There are bonus levels to the game’s different “worlds” (I thought they were different planets, since your hub area is a spaceship, and you access them via different telescopes, but it turns out it’s just one planet?), and you can collect photographs, which sequentially tell a story about the residents of that “world”. Psychonauts did this because each level took place in the mind of a character, and the photos together told a story about the character that fundamentally changed the way you thought about them, and made the whole game feel richer as a result. I collected the photos for all but the DLC levels in AHiT (those are Really Hard), and of those five or so worlds, none of those bonus photos told me anything that changed how I thought about the characters. There’s a dock town run by a mafia (s-sorta) led by a chef, but did you know they all used to work at a processing factory before going there? There are two manipulative bird directors who are fighting over the same studio to produce their own film and win an award, but did you know they… wanted to be directors since they were kids? There’s a devil analogue who steals people’s souls if they wander into his forest, but did you know he was a prince, and the princess was mad he talked to another girl (it was a flower girl, he was getting flowers for the princess), and imprisoned him until they both the prince and princess turned into evil ghosts? That’s the only one that comes close to being an “oh” moment, but I don’t think it does for the reasons the writer was hoping for. In general, these are prologues without substance.

Speaking of substance, the game has a bit of an issue with theming. At least, it does at first. The first town is the previously mentioned dock town, run by a mafia. By “mafia”, I mean a bunch of meatheads who talk about how they like punching people, and refer to themselves individually, in the third person, as Mafia. Mafia loves to punch the poor and the birds. Mafia is a one-dimensional character copy-pasted across 20% of the game. Mafia laughs. They’re run by a chef, but also they can’t cook, so there’s a cat chef in hiding who routinely swaps out their food with his so no one has to eat bad food. I don’t know why, when the town has maybe three non-Mafia character. He does eventually leave and board your ship, so maybe he’s just looking for something to do. The leader of the mafia also boards your ship, for a joke and to sell you an upgrade. The mafia are also afraid of mud monsters, or aliens, or something. There’s a girl with a moustache named Moustache Girl who wants to use your Time Macguffins to overthrow organized crime, and Hat Girl decides that’s a no-go. There are giant faucets around the town that replace all the water with lava. You might be noticing these things have little to no connection. You might be suspecting this level was made first when the dev was inexperienced. I might be suspecting this. It’s fine.

Later worlds do a much better job of theming. There’s the movie studio split between two birds. One of them a penguin, who prefers science fiction, the other a…

...hmmm. I suspect this guy, The Conductor, is an OC the director has had for a while, maybe since childhood, that they just decided Is A Bird, and carried it into the game, since the game occasionally is like... bird?? Alternatively, it’s some sort of corruption of Woodstock from Peanuts. Possibly both. Anyway, this guy just wants to make movies that take place on wild western trains. He has a strong fake Scottish accent, and the penguin, named DJ Grooves, is some sort of disco Elvis. They’ve both hired owls as actors, and some crows have snuck onto the train set (the crows are so obviously the G-Men from Psychonauts’ Milkman level it bothers me a bit). This is already a little busy, but it’s okay! Birds, movies, two distinct genres, and you trapped in-between them, just trying to collect your macguffins. It works. You take part in both of their movies, and your performance in both determines the winner, when suddenly… CORRUPTION WAS AFOOT, and you have to explore the depths of the studio and engage in a showdown.

Another world is a spooky forest where your access is restricted by completing certain contracts for the devilish character. Sometimes it’s murder (reasonable), exploring a haunted mansion in survival horror format (ooh!), fixing the plumbing in a well (wait, what), and doing mail delivery (back up back up). Half of that works. The finale of the forest makes up for it, though. This game insists on most of its bosses having like 4-5 phases and breaks for dialogue and the gall required to get away with that honestly earned my respect. They’re pretty fun times.

The best level to play is, unsurprisingly, the first DLC. I say unsurprising because it’s clear the dev is learning as they go, and the level design improves as they go along. Aside from bonus levels, the first DLC takes place on a massive cruise liner titled the SS Literally Can’t Sink. Ha ha. It’s split into three parts. The first part has you exploring the many interconnected rooms of the ship to find broken shards of a macguffin, the second part has you taking that mental map and using it to frantically complete multiple timed fetch quests at once, and the third part, now that you understand the ship pretty intimately, capsizes the ship, requiring you to traverse frigid waters and overturned scenery to retrieve babies and the ship’s incompetent but adorable baby seal crew (the seals speak in hewwo talk, the game is unforgivably loaded with memes but let me have this). This progression is my favorite in the game, and while I haven’t bought the Nyakuza Metro DLC, I’m looking forward to it.

The ending level had me a bit bewildered at first because in the beginning when Hat Kid refuses to use time powers to stop organized crime, I saw it as a hamfisted way to create tension between Hat Kid and Moustache Girl. Apparently it was working up towards the moral of the story. In the final level, Moustache Girl has stolen all the macguffins, and possessing ultimate power, becomes corrupted ultimately, and summons everyone in the world to her Bowser castle to be judged and die. On first glance, I thought “well, sure, that’s sensible,” but when Hat Kid finds the support of all the villains in the game, I was a little confused. The villains sacrifice themselves to give you infinite health, explicitly stating that they’ll just come back through time magic if you win so who cares (cool stakes), and you overcome authoritarianism with the support of corrupt hollywood, organized crime, and the literal devil. This would be fine if at some point Hat Kid, you know, took them on a Zuko Quest to face turn all of them, but that doesn’t happen. They just all decide “hey yeah, fuck this girl! Also we don’t have time for the nuance this might require!” After all is said and done and you collect all your macguffins, you’re given the choice of leaving the defeated Moustache Girl a single macguffin so she can defeat the mafia (whose side are we on) or just saying nahhh. Neither appears to make a difference, but maybe in a year or two we’ll get a DLC that makes you regret your words and deeds. You try to fly your ship to your home planet, and the villains all grab on to your ship, which is in space, begging you not to leave. I seriously suspect they intended to incorporate face-turn scenes and just couldn’t find the time, because nothing but physical proximity implies these guys would have any emotional attachment to Hat Kid, and that’s a bit of a stretch. Anyway, Hat Kid brooms them off the ship to plummet down to earth and flies away. Sheds a tear about the whole thing. In the end, the moral was that Order good, but too much Order bad, except if you are Hat Kid, in which case Chaos good. Or maybe…

After finishing the game I decided to look into any left over secrets, since my completion score was in the 80s of percents. Turns out that if you use the camera badge to finagle the free look feature into a marginally open armoire somewhere on your spaceship, you can find a shrine to Hat Kid with a couple skulls, a bunch of blurry photos, and some strange symbols. If you doing this while wearing the mask that lets you see the secrets of the dead (for platforming and puzzle purposes, of course), there’s a bunch of alien text you can decode. And then there’s some youtube channels. And a twitter account. All sharing more of those decodable ciphers, all talking about vague dreamy apocalyptic histories and dark betrayals. Or something. That’s right, this game’s got a fucking ARG. I cut things off there. If the developer Gears for Breakfast is gonna make an occultist grimdark sequel to A Hat in Time, they can put up a trailer for it.

OKAY I’M DONE TALKING ABOUT A HAT IN TIME, the short of it is that I had a lot of mixed feelings but had fun.

How did I end up talking more about A Hat in Time than Breath of the Wild? What are my priorities?

Well, that’s everything I finished in May! Will I get back to anime and manga in June? Guess we’ll see! Again, let me know if you want me to do year-recap Marvel posts, since my liveblogging is mostly just shitposts, and the occasional attempt at thoughtfulness among those posts feels kind of out of place. Honestly, I’m probably gonna do that anyway, but it’s nice to see interest. If you read all this, thanks a lot! Go play Breath of the Wild and Wandersong.

[jamiebluewind]

My Sides

Note: I decided to make depression a disorder that impacts me and my sides to varying degrees depending on a variety of factors.

Apathy/Rue: Over sleep, disasociation (which can be handy during a crisis), laziness, relaxing, calming down, zoning out, and meh days. Favorite hobby is doing nothing. Doesn't care what pronouns you use for them. Depression causes them to be heightened to the point of causing emotional numbness and loss of all motivation.

Appearance: Perpetual bedhead. Short brown hair with two pale baby blue hair streaks due to fading. Wears an oversized baggy mens cotton tee with a few tiny holes in it and a chest pocket (for candy). They only wear pants when they have to. Otherwise, it's tiny cotton shorts that barely cover them. Owns one pair of flip flops (that they never wear). Fuck bras and shaving.

*

Restlessness/Max: Over obsessions, compulsions, anxiety, worry, fight/flight/friend/freeze, cognative distortions, and intrusive thoughts. Just a ball of nervousness and overthinking. Loves to research, fixate on topics, theorize, plan for "what if?" scenarios, and overshare about their latest thing. Bad with directions. Has a thing about symmetry. Constantly fidgeting or pacing. Does not do chill. The most likely to cause people to say "that's fucked up" when talking about something they thought of. Most likely to have a friend or freeze response in a dangerous situation. Will bolt when in danger if you trigger their flight response, even if where they end up puts them in more danger. Will act like a rabid animal and attack if you somehow trigger their fight response. They can make Logic harder to hear, but whatever gets through can help them balance out. Apathy can block their fight/flight/friend/freeze response. Depression causes their intrusive thoughts to become much darker.

Appearance: Somewhat messy short brown hair from constantly running their fingers through it. Glasses are a bright color (blue or purple?) so they are harder to misplacd and are either on their face or sitting on top of their head. Eyebags. Long soft scarf around their neck which provides comfort and something to mess with. Long sleeve shirt that's a solid muted or soft color as to not draw attention. A cami underneath just in case. Darker bluejeans (because they hide stains, are durable, and what if period!) with a small flashlight hooked on one of the loops. A hoodie tied around their waist. White sneakers. A wristlet purse with a few emergency items. A hidden necklace with emergency information.

*

Emotion/River: Over feelings, nostalgia, empathy, love, comforting others, gender identity, and sexuality. Aggressively cares about their friends. Would move heaven and earth to help others. Is a bit of a hoarder. Gender fluctuates between demigirl, bigender, and female. Loves art and fiction. Is both childish and profound. Loves moodrings. Depression either mutes all their emotions but sadness (and sometimes anger) or leaves her comatose.

Appearance: Short brown hair is soft and a little fluffy with two bright blue streaks at the front. Bright clothes with lots of colors. Jewelery that suits their mood. Has 2 colorful pronoun bracelets. Always wears at least one mood ring. Beautiful colorful tattoos without a unified theme (although many are cute or look like they came from a cartoon or comic). Several ear piercings and one sparkly nostril. Wears eyeliner and lip tint when she feels like dressing fem and occasionally uses eyeshadow. Clothes are usually androgynous. T-shirt has writing on it that made her smile. Shirt has a crew cut on "they days" and a v-neck on "she days". Reflective rainbow colored novelty purse. Sandals. Owns one floofy long skirt. The rest of their bottoms are shorts, capris, or pants. They usually wear capris.

*

Logic/Jo: Over intelligence, knowledge, curiosity, theorizing, the logical side of beliefs, and objectivity. Loves learning and reading non-fiction, but is fond of certain fictional works. Schedules, pay the bills, and self care. Open minded. Loves to research and has a massive library of knowledge, but due to the multi-dimensional nature of their room, information sometimes ends up stored in the wrong place. Fascinated by religions on an intellectual, historical, and cultural standpoint and uses what she learns to be mindful and respectful. Can counteract cognative distortions, but can also cause or amplify fixations on her quest for knowledge. Stubborn. Depression causes them to have difficulty functioning and sometimes become distorted until they find reasons to do dangerous or harmful things.

Appearance: Short brown hair is always professional. Simple glasses have dark blue, almost black frames. No piercings or tattoos. Cotton polo and slacks. Only jewelery is an elegant stirling necklace with a long chain and a large simple diamond shaped charm (one side says "She" while the other says "They"). Comfortable professional black loafers.

*

Creativity/Journey: Over inspiration, creativity, brainstorming, certain types of problem solving, ingenuity, out of the box thinking, writing, singing, photography, other creations, worldbuilding, jokes, puns, acting, and certain types of lying to others. Frequently goes on tangents. Run on sentences. Can be a little too energetic and random. Once inspired, they can't stop thinking about something until it's done or they run out of inspiration or drive. Has a wall of books for cataloguing ideas and unfinished projects (often taking from several old ones to build a new one), but the order has no rhythm or reason (even to them). Can be heightened or hindered by Restlessness. Apathy can help Creativity with daydreams and less fear, but make it difficult for them to take action. Depression makes them barely function, save acting and negative ideas.

Appearance: Dark purple hair with several bright blue hair steaks. Ear piercings and one sparkly dermal near their left eye. Purple eyeliner. Modified a pair of comfy overall shorts (aka shortalls) to be backless with a halter top fit (instead of the traditional tank top fit) so they would have lots of pockets to store stuff while having the most skin exposed to show off their extensive tattoos. Tends to wear a strapless binder or halter top underneath to avoid boob slips. Runs around in socks indoors, but has hiking boots for outside. Tattoos are artistic with heavy symbolism as well as quotes.

*

Ambiguity/Duo: Over morally gray areas, lying to others and oneself, telling the truth to others and oneself, spotting both deceit and honesty in others, superstitions, the illogical side of beliefs, seeing the good in the bad and visa versa, sarcasm, and occasional devil's advocate. Not quick to judge. Sees gender as a social construct, but also that some people require it. Sees religion as something that is not necessary for them to be happy, but knows it is important to others and will fight for those rights (as long as it doesn't hurt the individual, others, or society itself). Balances the line of what is and is not socially acceptable. Personal truths. Has a very "you do you" attatude. Probably enjoys yoga and certain fiction, especially ones that subvert expectations and/or tropes. Depression causes them to become skewed. Because of this, some things become amplified (lies to self and others, seeing the bad in good,...), some things become weakened (honesty, seeing the good in bad, spotting honesty,...), and some things become tainted (deceit is spotted when none is there, beliefs become tainted,...).

Appearance: Right half of face is white while the left half is black. A gray part in the middle where one color fades into the other that's about the width of their lips. Hair and clothing follow the same theme with the only color being their blue hazel eyes. Hair is held back with a metallic silver headband. Button up shirt with a sheer back (similar look to this). One glove on the left side. Bottoms are pinstripe palazzo pants or culottes. Ballet slippers. Has an ornimental tattoo on their back and one on each ankle.

----

Other facts...

My sides all have their individual jobs and functions, but they also work together on certain things.

My morality comes from Emotion, Logic, and Ambiguity. They work together despite their frequent disagreements.

Beliefs come from Logic and Ambiguity. Emotion can help by attaching a feeling to each belief.

If my ego is hurt, it effects Creativity, Emotions, and/or Logic depending on which was targeted. The same goes for the opposite (such as when praised).

Having my ego hurt make Restlessness freak out and overthink everything.

Despite Emotion having main control over gender identity (mine being femfluidflux), Logic has some input. Occasionally, Apathy or Ambiguity have a say.

Creativity literally created a new type of clothing for their needs. The halter shortalls currently do not exist to my knowledge.

All the sides have a varying level of fondness for cats. Apathy respects their chill. Restlessness finds them calming as well as a good way to release nervous energy. Emotion's heart just melt from the adorableness and wants all snuggles. Logic appreciates the proven medical benefits of having a pet. Creativity loves making cat toys, taking photos, and playing games with cats. Ambiguity admires their independence and controlled chaos. Their opinions on other animals varies.

None of my sides are entirely good or entirely bad. They also balance each other. (Apathy can help Emotion and Restlessness chill. Emotion can help Apathy when they get heightened. Restlessness can help spur the others into action as well as fixate to help Logic and Creativity. Emotion gives Logic and Creativity encouragement as well as helping make sure writing hits right in the feels. Logic helps the others with facts and helps break through negative thinking and spirals. Creativity helps connect thoughts in new and exciting ways and helps Restlessness find new ways to coop. Ambiguity helps the others make the hard decisions and keeps Logic from becoming too ridged.)

[thisisheavynews]

Gaahl: The evolution of a black metal icon

Bergen’s Bryggen district is inclined to fireside. The wood buildings that overlook the docks burned down in 1702 and suffered additional harm over time, together with  a partial incineration in 1955. The cycle of destruction and rebirth can unearth treasures, nevertheless. 

During the final reconstruction, a set of runic inscriptions relationship as much as the medieval age was found, arguably an important such discover within the 20th century and a continuity uncovered by upheaval.

Today, Bryggen is a vacationer space; 300 metres alongside the docks, the imposing Bergenhus fortress overlooks numerous cruise and cargo ships, whereas eating places and memento outlets are set into mustard, white and purple interval constructions that, like our personal Tudor buildings, charmingly can’t muster a proper angle between them.

It’s not an space you’d anticipate finding a hub of the black metal scene. Walk up the wood steps beside Bryggen 37 and on the second ground you’ll discover the Nidhogg tattoo studio, co-owned by Jannicke-Wiese Hansen, the artist whose emblem designs and art work for Burzum’s and Satyricon’s first releases – in direct distinction to her character – laid down the groundwork for the motion’s cheerless, foreboding aesthetic. Directly under is Galleri Fjalar. 

Run by former Trelldom (on maintain), Gorgoroth and God Seed vocalist Kristian ‘Gaahl’ Espedal, one of essentially the most iconic figures to have emerged from the acute metal underground, it exists to showcase his personal work, and people of different artists he deems worthy. 

Ranged round its wood-panelled house is at the moment his personal set up: a charcoal drawing of a younger bare man, reproduced with multi-coloured backgrounds. Occupying his personal house – as he does in any setting – is Gaahl himself, sitting quietly together with his long-term associate Robin standing close by.

“I’ve been painting even before I was making music,” he says of his lately revealed self-discipline. “I’m self-taught, and I’m  a child when it comes to art. If I knew why  I did it, I wouldn’t do it.”

If you’ve seen Gaahl onstage, with these piercingly expressive blue eyes staring out from behind streaks of corpsepaint, or witnessed that scene in Metal: A Headbanger’s Journey (“What are the primary ideas that fuel Gorgoroth’s music?” 

A pause that might swallow a civilisation. “Satan.”), you’ll remember of his otherworldly stage of presence. In individual, that presence remains to be there, as  if he’s observing from some vantage level unattainable by the remainder of us, however he’s hotter and extra accommodating than you would possibly anticipate. 

His dry sense of humour is a fascinating mediator for a person who, regardless of the fascination he attracts – fuelled  by incarcerations, sexual orientation, court docket battles with Gorgoroth founder Infernus, accusations of spiritual offence involving sheep heads and bare crucified fashions, and all-round enigmatic charisma – stays uncomfortable with the limelight.

“There have been a couple of strange reactions when people have come into the gallery,” he says of the metal-loving portion of his clientele. “Some people come to see if I’m there. Some have come in not knowing that this is run by me. So there have been a few quivering legs. It’s something I never get used to. It is strange and remains strange.”

On the final album, I overfed myself with loss of life power

Gaahl

That discomfort has typically prolonged to his personal musical autos, and a willingness to allow them to collapse and begin afresh as quickly as he feels the artistic essence changing into stale. After he and Gorgoroth bassist King misplaced their authorized combat for the band title, Gaahl claimed that was at all times the purpose, to let his affiliation with it die. 

After the protracted start of the 2012 God Seed album, I Begin – his last undertaking with King – he appeared disillusioned with the entire course of  of making music, and his relationship with  the metal scene itself, breaking apart that band earlier than one other album might be made.

“I felt that was going to be the last album in the extreme metal mould,” he recollects. “It had taken certain turns away from that, but I felt that I’d overfed myself with death energy.”

‘Energy’ is a phrase you’ll typically hear from Gaahl. Not in any PMA, get-up-and-go sense, clearly, however as fluid forces past oneself to be negotiated with, channelled, invited in. Energy can be at all times being transferred.

When God Seed – or extra crucially, Gaahl’s working relationship with King – dissolved, Gaahls Wyrd was already taking form, the brand new band’s first efficiency at Bergen’s Blekkmetal pageant happening solely three months after God Seed’s final. 

Playing songs from throughout Gaahl’s musical historical past, it allowed him to faucet into his previous on his personal phrases, and to offer him the house to determine the place he needed to go subsequent.

“It was more like setting a way of thinking,” Gaahl explains. “I didn’t know on the time if Gaahls Wyrd would turn into a band that may document. I needed to anticipate it to mature to ensure it might be the right line-up and perceive how the artistic course of would work. 

So it was small steps, however the band itself will get alongside. There is a actually gentle power between us. We share the enjoyment, and I feel you possibly can hear that within the music as nicely, that we truly take pleasure in taking part in. I feel there have been too many conflict songs within the outdated days.”

(Image credit score: Ester Segarra )

If your impressions of Gaahls Wyrd have been drawn from the retrospective but totally enthralling reside reveals, the band’s debut album, GastiR – Ghosts Invited, will demand a few psychological readjustments. For a begin, it’s not black metal. There’s not a single hi-tremolo riff, not one basic Gaahl shriek. 

But the vocal vary that made itself obvious on I Begin has expanded now into a mind-boggling array of completely different sides, from brooding rasp by way of to commanding chant and female whisper – and that’s simply the opening monitor, Ek Erilar. 

Elsewhere, you’ll hear bellicose, bug-eyed incantations, deep portentous baritones, flinty, seer-like reveries, and on the mesmerising, transformational journey that  is Carving The Voices, imperious… crooning?

“I didn’t know what crooning was until Iver [Sandøy, producer and Enslaved drummer] explained it to me,” Gaahl laughs. “He played me some later works by Scott Walker afterwards as a reference point.”

The late-60s pop idol turned avant-garde hero may not have been an inspiration for GastiR – Ghosts Invited, however a host of different artists had been, David Bowie, Judas Priest, Thin Lizzy and numerous thrash pioneers amongst them, all contributing to the album’s erratic, multi-tonal if completely immersive complete. It’s not in Gaahl’s nature to merely soak up influences unfiltered. 

Instead, they’re parts of the album’s broader theme. GastiR – Ghosts Invited is largely about reminiscences, about giving them voice and creating dialogues between the traces  left by previous expertise – a weaving of residues into a map of oneself. Where  do these reminiscences come from?

“It’s me, me, me, ha ha ha! And a couple  of other mes,” Gaahl laughs. “But additionally small homages to characters. Both non-existent  and those who have existed, and to entities that aren’t essentially info however simply concepts.  It’s a lot of homages and tiny drops, simply private associations. The subject is ghosts invited, however ghosts are a lot greater than  simply ghosts. Your childhood is a ghost. Your nice grandparents are ghosts.

“They’re energies,” he continues. “I’m making an attempt to make sense of them or paint a full image within the completely different songs, and subsequently  I act out these completely different characters, so I’ve to behave out completely different energies. It might be something, from the younger and outdated speaking in the identical tune, singing the identical phrases. 

But the best way one sings a single phrase or a lyric is a component of the entire course of. If individuals catch the power,  I don’t know, however for me I may be some type of vessel, though it’s nonetheless a dialogue with myself, to color a full image for myself.”

There’s one lyric on Carving The Voices that appears significantly telling: ‘Carving the voices into the speech / Carving the voices into the mind / Carving the voices into the self.’ It appears to chart a journey down into the separate strata of the psyche, a notion Gaahl is prepared to concede.

“That’s one of the matters I’ve at all times centered on, and I feel the explanation why I’m so centered on the unconscious is as a result of that’s the place you might be most conscious. It has to do with honesty or purity, it’s this untainted type of power. 

“Even although it sounds a bit insane, the attention  of the unconscious is one of the best gateway for me to get a full understanding. It’s the whispers inside your self, that is the core of the self. So I feel that’s the extent I’ve at all times been working with, significantly with Trelldom. On this album, it’s informed in a very completely different method, though it’s the identical course of.”

(Image credit score: Ester Segarra )

For Gaahl, that course of has by no means been a straightforward one. For I Begin, the vocals took one of the best half of a yr to document, whereas Gorgoroth’s 2003 album, Twilight Of The Idols, had its personal sense of tough circumstances  – on the time it was made, Gaahl was in jail for assault, self-defence as he’s at all times put it.

“I had leave to do the vocals,” says Gaahl, “but I didn’t do a single thing on that leave.  It took a long time before I managed to solve it, but I had to wait until I’d finished my sentence, because when I tried to do it during the leave, nothing approached. There was nothing that  I wanted to be told, basically.”

He served additional jail time in 2004, once more resulting from assault. Did the time in jail alter his perspective on the world round him?

“I probably got more patient with humanity,” he admits. “Socialising is not a natural state for me, so I think I got better at being patient with people, or being better at socialising in general, rather than just being grumpy.”

That’s not a regular response you’d anticipate to get from a jail time period.

“No. We work in mysterious ways, he he he!”

If GastiR – Ghosts Invited was a extra expeditious endeavor, that doesn’t imply that discovering the best resonances, and with the ability to open your self to these voices got here with out a massive ingredient of soul-searching.

“But when I hear a voice in my head,” he explains, “I know I can do it, it’s just that  I might have to sit down and figure out how  to manage to open up so that I actually can execute it. One needs to talk to the microphone a bit before to accept the presences.”

GastiR – Ghosts Invited not solely marks one other evolutionary step for Gaahl, it’s his most private work up to now – a multi-layered journey into self-awareness. It’s not a straightforward endeavor, however for him, what have been the advantages from this stage of each introspection and opening up?

“Growth,” is the reply. “And change. I don’t feel the need to understand things, but for me it’s more important to move. Move, change and exist, within the voice of existence.”

Does he really feel, with this album, that he’s created a map to take him additional?

“A map of parts of me, maybe. There’s a lot more to come. So yes, it’s a very incomplete map, but I’ve covered a region, ha ha ha!”

from Heavy News https://thisisheavynews.com/gaahl-the-evolution-of-a-black-metal-icon/

[tyrusoldme-am-spoilers]

The Truth About Ghost Producers – What the Industry Doesn't Want You to Know

Imagine a scenario in which I disclosed to you that your main tune, from your preferred maker, wasn't generally made by that maker… by any stretch of the imagination.

Imagine a scenario in which I disclosed to you the craftsman that enlivened you to join the positions of music makers, never really made their very own music.

Consider the possibility that I disclosed to you that the absolute greatest specialists in the music world today really pay others to make their music for them.

I prefer not to break it to you – yet it's valid.

Apparition creating has existed in the business for quite a long time is still, right up 'til today, one of the most questionable themes out there.

Off camera of your preferred DJ playing an epic track on the principle organize at EDC Las Vegas, Electric Forest or any celebration in a similar vein sits an apparition maker that made that track from the beginning.

In 2015, DJ Mat Zo – a Grammy-assigned British maker – took to Twitter to remark on what number of EDM's greatest stars use apparition makers for their tracks without credit.

He composed that "electronic music has spoiled teeth that should be pulled." He likewise tweeted that he's "only a geek facing the athlete who stole all the geek's schoolwork."

Obviously, there is in fact something of a negative undertone around the job of apparition makers and the absence of credit they get, which thusly goes to said "athletes" – which means the colossal DJs we watch in front of an audience that assume acknowledgment for tracks they may have never contacted.

As electronic move music has ascended in notoriety thus numerous eminent makers keep on sparkling in the spotlight, phantom creation has turned out to be considerably more investigated and discussed.

As an apparition maker myself, I felt this was important to talk about, as there are various perspectives and professionals + cons inside the contention. There is truth behind quite a bit of it – or every last bit of it.

The inquiry we as a whole need to know: is phantom creating extremely that awful?

What is an apparition maker?

An apparition maker, by definition, is an expert maker that is employed to make a track for a craftsman yet remains totally mysterious.

Ordinarily being a phantom maker for a craftsman includes an agreement that keeps the person from regularly uncovering themselves – which, in decency, bodes well since you wouldn't have any desire to let the world realize that a DJ or maker doesn't really deliver their own music.

A significant explanation to make here is that an apparition maker isn't a co-maker.

Periodically people who are accused for being apparition makers are really recorded as co-makers in the track. They will work with the craftsman cooperatively – ricochet thoughts off one another, acquire ability from both of their past encounters and make a last item together – while an apparition maker ordinarily works more on the performance side.

Co-generation is moderately normal and is really an incredible method to acquire different people for their very own mastery specifically regions like vocals or bass lines.

One interesting point in this circumstance, be that as it may, is the meaning of a maker.

EDM Ghost Producer

A few makers remain in additional as administrators and input providers as opposed to dealing with genuine generation. You could have various associates/co-makers on one track yet maybe just a single individual really figured out how to play with the controls.

A few makers may realize how to utilize a specific kind of creation programming. A few makers, then again, may not know anything about programming but rather see how to make a track sound incredible by getting different bits of the riddle. A few makers do both. It's a hurl up.

Along these lines, there are hazy lines as far as definition here. In any case, one thing still stands: co-makers are not apparition makers.

This is ostensibly one of the greatest and most significant inquiries that makes such a great amount of contention around the subject.

How can it be that individuals use phantom makers?

What advantage does it have? This approach goes for the two sides of the relationship – the craftsman contracting the maker, and the maker oneself.

We should consider it from the craftsman's perspective. Maybe they're in an innovative trench and need another vibe or diverse vibe with their most recent track.

Possibly they need another track for an up and coming booking or dependent on a request an advertiser, however they don't have sufficient energy or transmission capacity to assemble it.

Assigning undertakings when you're occupied – or well known, the greatest number of us can envision – makes your outstanding task at hand simpler, isn't that so?

On the off chance that somebody offered to remove an errand from your plate that you knew would take a huge amount of time and exertion, possibly you'd think about it.

Or on the other hand would you?

From the phantom maker's perspective, there are for sure individuals out there who are eager to give out their innovative work with no credit if that implies being paid.

Maybe they highly esteem their abilities however couldn't care less for the acknowledgment. Maybe the person needed to bring home the bacon off of something they adored doing and observed this to be the best in.

With everything taken into account, being a phantom maker is a vocation – one that pays well, at that – and toward the day's end, individuals frequently pick this profession since it's one they appreciate doing.

How does apparition creating work?

So it's settled: apparition makers exist, and they're needed by specialists to keep on doing as such. The individuals who choose to seek after this job as a profession are the ones that keep on propagating this debate. Be that as it may, we should separate it: how apparition makers work?

As referenced before, strategically it's straightforward – from an abnormal state point of view, at any rate. Phantom makers are procured to make a track for a craftsman. They make the track, at that point pass it off to the craftsman to discharge.

There are various EDM apparition maker locales out there, despite the fact that obviously, quality shifts. You ought to be careful with these, nonetheless, the same number of them appear to run tricks and regularly simply sell basic, inadequate or not-justified, despite any potential benefits thoughts and tracks in its present condition.

Be that as it may, on the off chance that you work with an individual phantom maker you'll have the option to work legitimately to make what you're searching for.

The creation procedure relies upon who you're working with and installment likewise varies dependent on the maker.

Some charge per track; some charge every hour. Some lean toward sovereignties. The installment genuinely relies upon the current task.

You additionally need to remember how well the track will do.

Do you need a forthright stipend for the track and no sovereignties to pursue, or would you rather expect the track will detonate and gather a ton in eminences?

To kick things off in a working connection among maker and payee, this is the means by which I'll ordinarily play it.

I'll request reference tracks to discover what they're keen on. On the off chance that there are starting ideas, thoughts or basslines that have been made, I'll accumulate those from the customer too.

From that point, it's an ideal opportunity to assess: is there enough here to assembled something? Provided that this is true, I can assemble a track in multi day. In some cases it's simply a question of taking what exists as of now and finding the correct sounds and layers to make a total piece.

Try not to misunderstand the thought here, however – the creation and coordinated effort procedure isn't in every case spotless and simple. The work process can be mind boggling relying upon what kind of data is sent to the maker. There are a wide range of work process situations, yet here are a couple of models:

Ordinarily the maker will get half-done work from a major name DJ and be approached to tidy up and preferable the current item rather over beginning sans preparation, which might be to a greater extent a period spent to refine the track.

On different events, a customer may send over models and thoughts of the sound they need. The apparition maker will at that point make an idea of a track for the customer, and the procedure moves from that point. Input is an immense key here, and you can reasonably accept that there's a lot of forward and backward occurring between the maker and the buyer here.

This procedure is dubious and as a rule hard to nail down planning for. Like I stated, on the off chance that I have all that I need, I can finish a track in multi day – but on the other hand that is accepting that all components are nearby and can be brought into play.

Culminating the last item requires your complete consideration and exertion, so following a couple of long periods of work I'll delay and step away from the creation so I can clear my head. I'll return to it a couple of hours after the fact to give it a new tune in and settle with the last mixdown.

In the event that this is a way you're keen on setting out down, this is significant. On the off chance that you want to make music and appreciate investing your energy delivering, you're as of now most of the way there. The subsequent half is getting your music out to the majority who are keen on buying it.

There are various phantom creating sites, for example, EDMGhostProducer, Ghost-Producing.com, and GhostProducer.io that enable makers to transfer their tracks and offer them to DJs – who stay mysterious.

This is a simple method to use accessible stages that can connect you with a system of people that are happy to burn through cash to have a track under their name without really making it.

Remember, nonetheless, that a considerable lot of these stages take a cut of the clearance of the track so you will probably leave with 60-80% of what it sells for.

You'll likewise likely have the option to assemble more customers on the off chance that you can make various classifications of music. As you invest more energy delivering, make certain to figure out how to deliver different sorts of music to make greater open door for yourself. You ought to likewise have the option to work with different DAWs, for example, Ableton or Logic Pro.

In conclusion, make sure that your creations are high caliber and are expertly blended and aced. The better your tracks sound, the more probable you'll assemble progressively continuous clients.

As a phantom maker, ensure that you are additionally remembering your own prosperity. You ought to keep up a