#'culturally muslim' doesnt feel right. nothing feels right anymore

[suraiiya]

sometimes i really really miss the feeling of belonging that the inner monologue of 'im muslim' affords but then i get a glimpse of people tearing each other apart and quoting shit about Lot and homosexuality and i reluctantly sink back to where i am.

[ventingoutmyass]

2.15.18

Most people understand what it means to miss who a person used to be rather than who they currently are. I, personally, have not really experienced this until this last year.

I want to tell you about this person first. She was a glowing star in my life. She was handed a terrible life and a neglectful family. She was ten years old when we first met. She hasn't been really affected by her environment yet. She still had her childhood innocence, she wanted to have fun and make friends and play games.

She was eleven when she became my best friend. We shared a sixth grade classroom and lots of friends came and went. We struggled through the hardships of middle school together, but there was always a lot more going on at home for both of us. My parents were getting divorced and my life was falling from under me, while her family put more pressure on her and began to crush her into a little ball in the corner, flinching at any sudden movement.

When I moved to a new school district for high school, she convinced her parents to let her come with me. It was a long drive for them and things kept getting worse at home. At one point her mom told her not to bother, because in high school we would find other friends and forget about eachother. It made her really upset and she called me, crying. I told her that the only way that would happen is if we both let it. I told her I wouldnt let it. It was our freshman year that her parents separated and through the mess she lived with me for a while. She slept on couch cushions next to my twin size bed for three weeks before her mom demanded to take her home.

Junior year was the first time we had started to drift apart. I remembered back to that phone call, I started to cry. It was the kind of drifting that even though we saw eachother everyday, the connection we always had was loose. Then, the semester came with the one and only class we ever had together, US history. We sat right next to eachother and our connection strengthened again. I was extremely grateful to have her.

One thing I forgot to mention is that my friend comes from a Muslim household. They had become very americanized over the years, especially after the parents split. The kids werent very in touch with their culture or religion and never prayed. The only real signs I'd seen of their religion til this point is that their mom wore a hijab, and they celebrated Eid. I also knew that every couple years they would visit family in Iraq over the summer.

My friend was a good kid. She was responsible and caring and had so much love to give the world. We wanted to go to medical school and become a pediatrician because she loves kids more than I've seen anyone love anything before.

In January of 2017 she decided that she needed a break. She left to Iraq for seven months. I made a scrapbook for her before she left, to remind her of all the people who love her back at home. If I can find a picture of it I'll post it here as well.

She came back in the beginning of August. She has learned a lot more about her religion and spoke Arabic a lot more. She also decided she wanted to wear her hijab seriously, not just while visiting family.

In mid-August, she met a boy. And to be honest with you, it all goes downhill from there.

In December of 2017 my friend took a pregnacy test. When it came up positive, she decided to go to a GYN office and take a professional test. When that test came out negative, she began taking birth control and went about her life like nothing happened.

In March of 2018, she decided to take another test. It came out positive. She again went to see a doctor. The doctor told her that she was eleven weeks pregnant.

A lot happened in March. A lot of negligence on her part. She decided to embrace the pregnancy, despite being Muslim and un-married. She made a little blue chest she used as a box to hold a pair of baby shoes, she used this as an announcement. I decided to play along for a day and drive her around to everyone she loved most to reveal the big news. She hadnt told her parents for obvious reasons and my mom sat at home, terrified for her.

In late March her boyfriends mom took it upon herself to reveal the news to my friends parents. My friend called me that night, pleading, sobbing. My mom and I jumped in the car and drove as fast as we could to her moms house where they were. For two hours my mom tried to explain the situation and calm them down and figure out ways to handle the situation while I held my friend as she cried. We couldnt take her home that night like we planned, like we wanted to.

My friend never took our advice. My friend never listened to anything that I or my mom had to say. She only listened to people who didnt know the severity of the situation. Because they said what she wanted to hear. She wanted to lead a normal life with her baby and boyfriend and to keep her siblings and distant family as well. Realistically, there was no possible way to have it all. She didnt want to hear that.

I went with her for the consultation. Her parents wanted her to have an abortion. Her dad, in fact, wanted the abortion and then to ship her off to China where she would get sewn back together, like she never lost her virginity. Luckily, my mom talked him out of that option. I told my friend that the only way to keep the baby is to go into hiding. To leave everything behind and go where nobody could find her or the baby, I gave her options. I told her where she could go who could take care of her. Endless numbers of people we knew reached out to help. She refused. She wanted her family too.

It became too much. I wasnt able to focus on my own life. I was spending too much emotional and physical energy and she wasnt listening to anything I had to say, any good advice I had, any option I gave her. She wanted what she wanted and there was nothing else in her eyes. It was every minute of every day that I was thinking and hoping and praying for her. I gave up. I couldnt handle the stress anymore.

She had the abortion against her wishes. Two months later she flew out to Iraq, she wanted to be away from her parents for a couple months.

My friend left in May of 2018. In September, she said she would come back home in October or November.

She hasn't come home. She has no plans of coming home. She hasn't spoken to me since. She texted my mom last month to ask about her taxes, because she worked for my mom for a while, and nothing else.

Life has done nothing but tear her down. I was one of the only good things she had and life forced her away from me.

I miss my best friend. I miss her smile and happiness. I miss hanging out with our friends and going bowling and shopping at stores that we didnt have the money for. I miss her every single day. We would be approaching ten years of friendship this fall. I cant express in words how much I miss her smile. Her smile was the biggest relief off my shoulders growing up. No matter how hard life was and how much she hated herself and how bad she wanted to die some days. Her smile made me feel like she could be okay. Her smile told me that time would one day give her all the smiles and laughs that she deserves, for all the ones she missed growing up.

But life doesnt have happy endings

I still have the little blue chest in the trunk of my car. Along with the baby clothes I had bought for her. I cant bring myself to give them away

[westerberg]

i sad

ugh my period of “anger masking any sadness” has ended and i’m sad again.

honestly im just so tired of everybody. I have like, one friend and my sister who i feel actually care about me, like on a day to day basis. is my dad doing his best? possibly. do i care when he still he makes me feel like shit, daily? not really tbh. i know he loves me but he just does not show any concern for my emotions or anything. he always seems to put his own needs and wants over mine, which i guess is fine, but last time i had a single parent with my mom she cared about nothing more than my feeling, my interests, and my day. she was perfect and now i have an extremely imprefect dad who has called both me and my sister a bitch before (he called me it jokingly to be fair, but god, if mom were there to see that. he called my sister a bitch for real)

i hate to be that high school depressed kid but i honestly can’t relate to my friends very well anymore. i listen to every one of their boring dentist stories, stories about their cats and dogs that are THE SAME EVERY TIME, and listen to them shit talk stuff i love. and to top it off, they don’t seem to give a shit about my stories. i talk about stuff i love and they just wander off. i feel extremely taken for granted and i am very tempted to just abandon most of them.

honestly not really any of my friends have any knowledge on my interests and i can usually deal but just something about depression + everyone taking you for granted makes you really frustrated when you’re around a bunch of people who just want you to make some jokes and listen to their shit.  

none of them know anything about politics, pop culture, and our music tastes are super different, and also don’t do anything interesting. THOSE ARE THE ONLY THINGS I KNOW HOW TO HAVE GOOD CONVOS ABOUT. AND I DONT FEEL LIKE EXPLAINING THAT THE 2008 RECESSION EVEN HAPPEND OR WHO DICK CHENEY IS TO HAVE SOME GOOD CONVERSATIONS.

i have two friends on tumblr, and one doesnt go to our school anymore and i dont think she reads my posts so im not too worried about that. but if you are reading dont worry ur good. then the other one is my Good Friend who tells Interesting Stories and knows the First Thing about politics and pop culture. ur still a weeb but cha good.

friend #1: annoying lil trumpet player who loves picking fights and making me feel stupid. bitch, im so much smarter than you. i dont care if you understand finding non-real zeroes in a polynomial, you didnt understand la la land and and why the muslim ban is nonsense, whose the real idiot? i swear to god if i gotta listen to you talk about cuddling with your dog again while blatenly shrugging off stuff i wanna tell you i will beat ypu behind a dumpster. you rebuplican evangelical trumper. honestly you’re good for 1. pasing the time on jazz band bus rides and 2. stories about your crushes, even if your crush is just as big of a homophobe as you

friend #2: oh my god. OOOOOOOOHHHH MYYYYYY GODDDDD. SHUT UP.  OH SO YOU DIDN’T UNDERSTAND LA LA LAND? OH YOUR CAT CUDDLED WITH YOU TODAY? OH YOU THINK I SHOULD DO THIS DIFFERENTLY? OH SO YPU THOUGHT THE OFFICE WAS STUPID??? OH SO YPU WANNA BE AN ACCOUNTANT WHEN YOU GROW UP? OH SO YOU DID YOUR NOTES REALLY NICELY? OH SO YOU HATE BAND? OH SO YOU THINK THE RED HPT CHILI PEPPERS ARE “super old”????OH SO YOU “just wanna go home and cuddle with your cat”???????? OH THATS REALLY INTERESTING. WANNA HEAR ABOUT WHAT I DID THIS WEEKEND? OH NO OF COURSE YOU WOULDNT JUST BECAUSE I LISTENED TO YOU RAMBLE ON FOR 5 MINUTES EVERY HOUR DOESNT OWE ME YOU GIVING A SHIT ABOUT WHAT I DO TOO. OH YEAH THATS HOW FIRENDSHIP WORKS, ONE PERSON YAKKING TO THE OTHER, THE OTHE RPESON TRYING TO SAY SOMETHING AND THE EITHER GETTING A GRUNT OR A CRITISISM IN RESPONSE. YUP GRWAT THATS GREAT

friends #3+#4: same problem. they’re fun but cant take anything seriously. they just like anime and youtuber and when i try to tell them about my problems or my personal interests its obviuos they just want me to shut up and just be funny. im kinda really good friends with one of them but i s2g, they just make the same jokes every day, both tell me extremely similar dream stories which.... get boring after a while. except the one where she murdered her family, that one is interesting. one is interested in politics on some level, she watches john oliver but she still didnt know 1. who jon stewart is 2. THAT THE 2008 RECESSION HAPPEND. so. not great. the other one really doesnt know anything about anything except animation which gets. boring.so decent friends, but not really what im looking for rn.

friend #5. a weeb who is good and gay at heart. could stand to learn more about politics and pop cultures, but doing much much much better than her competition. A Good Bi

friend #6: we’re not super close but she kinda seems to just like me when i’m funny, but i guess thats how most of my friendships starts. guess that figures, but she’s nice. also did not know the 2008 recession happened

friends Rest Of Immediate Friend Group: i swear they think i’m dumb, i don’t know why but i do.  don’t know them super well, they’re cooler than the rest of my friends, but seem to hate fun about just as much. date questionable boys.

i have other friends but this is the Friend Group and don’t feel like going outside of this cause none of the rest of them make me especially angry.

my friends don’t seem to know the first thing about hardships. friend #2 didnt get to archery, go to pep band that night, or put up posters that night. now, i know its an asshole move to say this but, uh, 1. she lives in a real house 2. her mom is alive 2. she isn’t struggling in school at all 3. she didnt grow up with dad in the army who ended up doing drugs 4. she’s never been depressed, and i think i have been twice now, at the age of 16, so, uh, go fuck yourself. i’ve never felt more depressed and lonely in my life and i try to vent to people and they don’t give a shit, including you so ypu know what? suck it the fuck up

god, i hate depressed me. she’s such a bitch. sarcastic intellectual, better-than-you, vengence fueled lizzie. its not me, but i don’t wanna be me right now. im fine being angry and uppity cause it feels warrented. these people don’t show me in any way that they care about me and make me feel bad god, i cant listen to one more of my privileged friends complain about shit i don’t even think about anymore.

i know i’ve been a bitch to my friends lately and healthy lizzie apologizes deeply, and depressed lizzie says go fuck yourself and why dont you help out instead of sidelining me until i become more palateable to you sophmores you dont know the first thing about life, and who think youtubers are hilarious and the holy trinity of comedies suck (office, iasip, arrested development)

i know that last line doesnt fit but it just makes me angry