#'how come he gets antidepressants while im still miserable?'

[caluski]

Depression stuff under the readmore nothing interesting as usual

I miss the time when I wouldn't feel suicidal every single day, it truly sounds so heavenly when I look back at it, I can't even remember whether I was medicated back then or no, I think it might have been the anti-anxiety meds which weren't even that strong antidepressants and yet they still worked at least for soothing my suicidal thoughts, other than my anxiety and a bit of ocd of course.... My doctor once said, don't apologize for when your medication doesn't work!, and yet I still felt guilty and left and it feels like an eternity has passed since. My brain doesn't work the way it used to, I know that... I hate that I have damaged my life irreversibly. And if I fail to kill myself again i know i will look back at the past and shake my head regretfully and think, why did I do this to myself. I feel guilty for being the one who's ruining my own life, but also I can tell that I am not meant to live a long life.. So what's the point? And even if I will live long, I know I will live an empty life devoid of meaning and love, I can tell, I really really mean it, it's weird to describe but I am absolutely sure that this is what I'm facing... And I know people won't believe me if I say it, but it's really true: the unfortunate truth is that even if I do get out to grasp onto others desperately, best option is, I will go back to being that shadow of a person in others lives, I will never be anyone's "most important", i will go back to being the one that's accepted more or less but somehow is on a very thin ice...

Are others being fought for? Is it an actual experience people do have? Is it okay to want to be loved by someone enough that they will try to get to you? I feel like at this point, every single thing that I want is the most impossible thing in the world. Everything feels so beyond my reach that I might as well die now, without experiencing anything.. It feels so hopeless, it drives me insane every day, every waking hour, I look at my 2 year old nephew and the only thought I have is "you won't remember me-- I will die before you get older. I will die and you won't have photos of me to look back on".

I keep having the urges to delete this blog. It doesn't mean much, it's just a blog, in the end I don't keep any significant archives in here... Every time I log out, my finger keeps hovering over "delete blog" button for a little while. It's meaningless and I know it - if I delete it, I will be forgotten soon enough, perhaps many people won't even notice I'm gone anyway - and im sorry I'm talking about it, because I really don't want to sound like I'm begging for more attention, or something.... "give me more followers and reblogs, so I don't delete", or whatever... Just the feeling of meaninglessness overwhelming me. What am I doing here, really - I'm not an artist, I'm not a funny blogger, I'm someone people look at and think, my god, he's so old and yet so childishly miserable. Sorry about that. I know its nothing but tiring to watch me getting worse and worse; I shouldn't be crying about it so publicly in the first place... I wish I could die instead, silent and dignified, unaware of whether anyone shows up to my funeral or no. Why do I keep worrying about it? Every single time I cut myself, I wonder, how humiliating will it be when my family realizes there is no one to come to say their farewells to me? Won't it feel the worst in the world? But I wouldn't be around for that anymore. So why do I think about it?

I don't know what else can I say. Goodnight

[hearties-circus]

Thinking about the 'a broken mug is fixed but a chipped one is overlooked, sometimes I wish I were more damaged so I could get help' and walt n rosa

[falloutboywife]

I stopped taking my medication back in like. February because I was on it consistently for almost four years and I figured I had adjusted well enough to where I didn't need it anymore, but suffice to say that the reasons my medication was necessary are coming back in full force and destroying my life again. so even if the way I'm acting now is reminiscent of the behavior that got me put on it to begin with, at least its still nowhere near as intense, but its still enough to make me miserable

so like after a ton of bullshit with the doctors office I finally got refills on my prescriptions but one won't be able to be filled until tomorrow because the pharmacy was out of stock, and right now its just the one. I was taking 5mg of the mood stabilizers and 5mg of the antidepressants but after years of the mood stabilizers sedating and exhausting me I asked him to cut that in half and double the antidepressants, but now that I'm struggling again I'm back to he 5mg of the mood stabilizer and 10mg of the antidepressants and fellas

lemme just say

that the way my body feels physically right now is exactly why I stopped taking the medication to begin wifh LMAO I was diagnosed with bipolar when I was 14 and every mood stabilizer has always fucking made me exhausted, when I was in the 9th grade and on this experimental drug called geodon I seriously would fall asleep while standing up for the national anthem and I slept in gym class. literally I would sleep in fucking gym class, please do not ask me how I managed it but 9th grade was a miserable time

and the shit im on now isn't as powerful in that aspect but it generally is very normal for me to sleep for like at least 12 hours a day, and for a while getting up before 10am was almost physically impossible. I understand now though that that's just the side effect of being on this, and I do know the benefits greatly outweigh the detriments but it still really fucking sucks LOL

and the thing is I'm not even on the mood stabilizers yet (; this is just the antidepressants babey

but even if i am very tired, I'm already feeling more relaxed and mellowed out. its easier for me to just sit alone with my thoughts without it immediately going to something very nihilistic or morbid, even when a conversation earlier felt like it was headed in that direction. I've been struggling a lot with my depression ever since I lost my childhood cat back in June, and it feels like its only been getting worse in the last year despite having been on medication for a lot of that time. but I'm in a better environment with better people and things are starting to look up for me, and for a long time I was saying how my depression is very much a result of the environment and circumstance I found myself in back in Ohio.

its interesting how now that I'm out of that environment, my depressed thoughts are manifesting in much darker ways, but thats something for a therapist to help me with and not a personal blog post on tumblr dot com where I should be sitting there thinking about babystump's dsl instead of talking about how I'm trying to hate my life less. I have a lot of posts like these saved in my drafts because this is where I get my thoughts out when I feel too bad bothering my friends with this kind of shit but I'm posting this one because its more positive and its an update on how I've been doing I guess for those this applies to

[emilypatrick]

A thing that no one will read.

Three years ago my husband had a psychotic break. I had to put him in a psychiatric hospital for stabilization.

Before he was hospitalized, from about oct until feb we were busy arguing.

It wasn’t apparent what was really happening until he started letting on that he was hearing voices and misinterpreting words both written and in speech.

The *aha* moment came when he insisted an audible voice would respond to him, when he told me he loved me.

Husband: I love you.

Voice in head: no you don’t.

We spent an evening in our living room when he insisted that we talk to the voice because it was coming from above/ out of the light fixture.

So, as we stood there together.

My husband saying, “ I love you “.

And me telling him I didn’t hear anything.

All that resulted from that was, I was lying, I was one of them, I was an agent working against him, I was gaslighting him.

Once I understood the severity I got in touch with his psychiatrist and I was told that , yes, hospitalization was needed due to the situation.

Once I started my attempt to rationalize with this irrational person, explaining that he needed to go to hospital.

The argument quickly turned to my husband tearing our marriage apart, telling me to leave, telling me he didn’t love me anymore.

I knew in my heart that he wasn’t well.

He knew it was the last thing he could destroy to get rid of me to avoid going to the hospital.

Everything leading up to that felt like it was ‘the hardest thing to deal with’.

Being alone while he was in hospital was hard, I’ve never lived on my own and I don’t drive.

After he was released from the hospital he was heavily medicated and still hearing voices.

It took a full six months for the voices to subside, some symptoms remained.

Things kind of plateaued after a while with no improvement and no decline.

He was still miserable every day.

It was about a year / year and a half after the hospital inpatient care that his doctor suggested a second opinion.

So, we did just that.

My husband went to a new doctor with more experience in schizoaffective disorders for his second opinion.

It took six or seven months for the second doctor to release his report to my husbands primary doctor.

The diagnosis was different.

Instead of schozoafferctive disorder he was given bipolar type 1 with facets of ocd and ptsd from the trauma of his psychotic break.

His prescriptions were changed and things were getting better.

We were still at a place where he didn’t talk about the ‘episode’ with me.

It wasn’t until recently he started opening up about the ‘episode’.

This seemed like a milestone had been reached, we were talking about what happened and we were finally addressing some relationship problems.

This past week was particularly rough.

My husband wasn’t sleeping and if he did it wasn’t restful, he went four days without any sleep.

It was only last night in putting up dishes and tidying the kitchen that I found his cache.

I found two unopened bags of medication, totaling five pill bottles. It took me by surprise.

After asking him why he had unopened bags of medication/ asking the ‘right’ questions did he fess up.

I found out last night that my husband has been off of his antipsychotic and antidepressant, for quite some time. The only medication he had been taking was his adderall.

I kinda hate myself right now for trusting him to take his medication.

I don’t really like how I have been thrust into this caretaker role.

I don’t like anything about how I feel.

I’m incredibly guilty feeling because in my mind I know I cannot handle the emotional and mental strain of being the partner of someone during a psychotic break.

I promised myself last time, for the sake of my sanity that if he has another psychotic break We will separate.

I feel like a garbage person for having to set that boundary.

I’m essentially writing this to hold myself accountable and as a promise to myself that whatever happens I’m worth making that sacrifice.

For the most part I’ve been incredibly isolated and lonely the past three years. Even as recently as last summer my husband told me to leave.

It’s just been really really hard.

I stopped making art, I stopped going out with friends.

I’m a shell of what I think I used to be. I have felt like I’m under a heavy blanket.

At this point I don’t even know who cares enough about me to talk to.

I’ve been that friend that’s in a long term relationship. I’m scared of friends not liking me if I’m honest. Im scared of losing friends over me even being completely honest and sharing my plan if ‘shit hits the fan’.

If you are reading this, rather still reading this I ask that if a friend or family member is going through any of this please be there for them.

I ask if you are in the same-ish situation I am, be kind to yourself.

Anyhow, I’m going to go ‘not cry’ and rationalize my actions/ justify why I’ve been where I am for the past three years and try to not worry about the future.

❤️