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I have only two possible emotional responses to feeling really safe and warm talking with a new person:
1) Withdrawing from them almost instantly and rarely responding, even if against my wish or control, because of reflexive fear of attachment since usually everyone I felt safe with blocked me out of blue and revealed that all along I was giving them """red flags""" I didn't even know existed
2) Somehow not falling for withdrawing reflexively, but in turn the value of everyone else I know that does NOT make me feel safe (so, 95% of the people) sinks in my perception and now I have to struggle against a very strong wish to abandon everyone except The Person. Why waste time on anyone less than this?
#/vent#personal#lol I am so traumatized it is almost comedic xD#the hardest thing about paranoia is how everyone WILL take it personally!#'kat but how could you think I'd ever hurt you maliciously and intentionally after everything?'#dude it isn't personal#it is that every time I trusted someone in the end turned out I should not have#and they *all* seemed and acted like decent and compassionate people..#currently I am struggling with number 2 from the list.#tempted to softblock and cut off a lot of people because why? if new friend likes me?#and what stops me is knowing that when this new friend betrays me I'll NEED to fall back-#-on some people again.#I learned to be able to tell when things are too good to be true by now#if I feel safe with someone it is just a trick to leave me vulnerable.. it's all anyone wants of me
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