#'zara that's so complicated' have you PLAYED these games because i sure have

[shoeshineyboy]

okay so now it’s not 2am, here’s an expansion of that Magnifi shooting Thalassa theory that I was going on about yesterday, and where I think they May have been planning on taking the AA4 storyline. readmore-ing it because I ramble

there’s a theory somewhere that Troupe Gramarye is a front for the mafia and honestly I think that’s where they were going. there was an emphasis on organised crime in AA4, and up to this point, Ace Attorney was pretty good at not just bringing things in and throwing them aside. not only were the Kitakis present, but the back room in the Borscht Bowl Club was said to have been used by the mob, too. that in consideration, I’m gonna assume that Magnifi had mafia connections, and I’m going to disregard Jove and say that Apollo was born from a Romeo and Juliet (or, West Side Story, I guess) type situation with another mob family, hence his father not being present. maybe he’s dead, I doubt he’s that important....... unless he’s Valant. but that’s a stretch and I’m not going anywhere near that (yet)

anyway.

I’m disregarding my own previous Gavin parents headcanon, now, and throwing it out there that they were private investigators, hired by. someone. to look into the shit with Troupe Gramarye and, specifically, Magnifi. they got friendly with the other magicians, and, after Magnifi found they were getting too close, he had one of them killed. the other was framed for the murder, and sentenced to death because of it, bribery and fake evidence definitely coming into play. more on them and how that affected the boys... maybe in another post, because this is about the Gramaryes. during the rehearsal, Magnifi shoots Thalassa in order to have material with which to blackmail Valant and Zak. he’s able to keep control over them, and what they say, until his death. he asks them both to shoot him in a power play, but shoots himself, the same way he shot his daughter, leading to both men blaming the other until the truth comes to light.

...........Kristoph was playing the long game with Zak. Kristoph has definitely had dealings with the mob before, and, while I don’t think for a second that he’s the kind of person to give enough of a shit about his parents like that, I do think there’s the possibility that they were involved in... something a little deeper than the investigating, something that’d completely destroy the family’s reputation if it came to light. and Kristoph himself likely got involved in it, too. if we assume that Kristoph has been paranoid about this since he learned it, and definitely throughout his legal career, there was an element of cat and mouse with him and Zak. killed a man with a bottle because he was an evil human being? nah. he killed a man with a bottle because it would destroy everything if said man spoke out.

that last paragraph is something I came up with just now. anyway enjoy,

[qvid-pro-qvo]

headcanon: “what meeting the boys’ families feel like”

gender neutral reader. tw: food mentions. created in conjunction with @hurricanejjareau.

rafael barba -

lucia is a powerhouse, a whirlwind you can’t help but follow with your eyes and laughter as she teases her son about his high school hair. his abuelita is a memory, but one you get to share and cherish fondly with photos you drag your finger over, the three barbas with the same smile. 

the three of you (four of you, really — you feel catalina in every inch of the apartment) sit on wooden chairs around the dining room table, lucia’s love for her son in every bite you eat. she teases, of course, and nags a little - how can she not? she’s close enough to pinch rafael’s ear when he rolls his eyes, and you hide your smile behind one last bite before insisting on the dishes, the only way you can think to immediately repay a delicious meal.

it’s then you feel her touch, your hands scrubbing in foamy water as rafael uses the bathroom. she squeezes your shoulder, lightly.

“my son loves you,” she says firmly. you’re caught in her gaze, not daring to blink. “but he doesn’t love himself. don’t let him chase you off, you understand?”

in the moment, only just. because you see rafael and there’s confidence. there’s bravado. there’s self-assured smiles and smug smirks. where’s the doubt?

you nod, firmly, and feel her squeeze her shoulder again. she pulls away from you, to get to drying, and when rafael pushes into the kitchen her teasing starts up all over again, leaving you with those private words. and her words come back to you again, and again, as long as you are lucky enough to love rafael barba right back.

sonny carisi -

sonny gives you plenty of forewarning. 

“they’re a little loud,” he says, shrugging, hand moving. “and aggressive. and definitely overbearing.” he lists off the adjectives like they don’t all mean the same thing, that the carisi family won’t bombard with questions you feel wildly unprepared to answer. “but it’ll be okay. i promise.” 

and it is. it really is. because there’s something about the carisis, the way they envelope you in a flood of bright love and laughter that makes your heart warm. something about them that makes your stomach ache from laughing so hard. you can’t catch your breath with the carisis, you can barely think with the carisis, a rush of warmth and love and family that makes you think i could get used to this.

it’s right when you think that when the dinner table goes a little silent. you’re holding sonny’s hand, running your thumb over his knuckles, looking at him with a little daze and maybe even little bit of love when you hear his mother clear her throat. 

“so,” she says, when you turn to face her, watching as bella and teresa both bicker to themselves. “when’s the wedding? i assume he’s gonna ask you.”  

“ma!” sonny’s face is perfectly scandalized, bright red and reddening even more. gina snorts at the sight, and you try to ignore the way your hands get sweaty, the way that the silent mr. carisi is eyeing you. you start laughing a little, despite yourself, and glance over at him, swallowing. 

“well... whenever he asks me?” you offer as an answer, and the delight on mama carisi’s face is only matched by sonny’s at your response. 

nick amaro -

you meet cesaria amaro on accident, really. you’re a last minute addition to family outing, nick and zara pleading with you to tag along. and you can’t say no to one of them, let alone both of them, even though their reasons are... different, to say the least. you know nick’s childhood was complicated (the topic of his father is basically blacklisted) and so some company to a day with his mother isn’t unexpected. 

what you don’t expect is to like cesaria so much. 

see, the introductions are seem like they’ll be shaky. you’re a tag-along, and so his mother isn’t expecting the new face. she squints at you a little, as nick waves over at his mother and daughter, and her hands are protective on zara’s shoulders right up until the moment zara sees you. 

your name is nothing more than an incoherent screech. she bum rushes your legs, and you’re laughing with delight as you do your best to lift zara onto your hip. it only lasts for a second, but by the time she’s settled back into the group, bouncing on her toes at the thought of the park cesaria seems to look at you all over again, with a little smile.

the rest of the day goes on. zara and nick end up running ahead, her eyes a little big for her stomach as she sees the opportunities for ice cream around you, leaving you with his mother, alone. 

“you’re good with her,” she appraises, and you can’t help your little smile. 

“she’s easy to be good with,” you respond, and your eyes are on your boyfriend, on his daughter, on the sight of their laughter. 

“you’re good with him, too,” she remarks mildly. “i know he’s stubborn —” 

“he’s worth it,” you say with a shrug, and her laugh is the brightest thing that day. 

mike dodds -

“he’ll love you.”

it’s mike’s constant reassurance. his overwhelming certainty in that one simple fact that only thing stopping you from booking it. because you’ve heard about his dad, chief william dodds, but now you’re meeting him. and you can tell that even with all of his affirmations, mike, too is nervous, fingers tapping against the steering wheel as he drives.

william, as he insists you call him, smiles bright and kind when you get there. william is charismatic and shows off with every dad joke why he’s deputy chief but there’s one thing that’s so abundantly clear — he loves, loves, loves his son.

“y’know, he’s been through a lot,” william tells you at the end of the night. “been through enough for ten men. but he comes out the other side of it. always does, always does.”

“dad,” mike says. it’s the end of a long dinner, a long night. his ears match his cheeks, a pretty shade of pink, and you feel his hand squeeze yours.

“well, you have, son,” the deputy chief says, and mike just has to sigh. his eyes meet your gaze with an intensity that makes your breath catch. “and i’m just trying to make sure that you’re not... put through more hurt.”

mike looks indignant, starts to argue, but when he looks at you he realizes you’re standing tall, that your eyes haven’t left his father’s. “i’m not going to let that happen,” you say, and it’s so firm that chief dodds can’t help but laugh.

“you’re a fighter, kid. take care of my son.”

and you promise him then, and again, and again, that that’s exactly what you plan to do.

peter stone -

“it’s a pleasure to meet you, mr. stone.” your feet shift as you stand there, a little anxious, but you glance behind you to see peter. he gives a smile, a raised brow, and you’re sure enough to wave him off.

you’re fine. you’ve got this.

“mr. stone, i -” you start, swallowing tightly. “i really care about your son. and i know you did, too, in your own way. i know it was hard, to watch him grow from a distance, but. i’m here to say that i’ll be there, up close and personal. for the both of us.”

your laugh is a little choked up, looking down at the plot. “you know, i understand that your relationship was complicated. but i also know that you loved him, and... he knows that, too. if you’re wondering. it took time to forgive, time i wasn’t there for fully, but. i was able to see how much he admired you, even after... everything.” 

your fingers play with the plastic on the flowers, ripping it gently so all that’s left are the buds. “i just wanted to say thank you, with these. thank you for giving me a chance to love your son, and i promise i’ll do right by him.” you lower the flowers to the ground, place them right beside the engraved headstone. “the cubs play today, by the way, and. jack said you’re welcome to stop by.”

you smile, then. look up at peter, who leans on the car as he watches you. you start making your way back to him, a kiss when you make it to his side.

and later that night, in jack mccoy’s house, the place feels warm and full even with just the three of you. he greets you both with a hug, turns on the cubs game. and the house feels warm and full of love, from fathers past and fathers present.

[abeautifulblog]

Where's this thing gonna end?

So I've changed my answer a few times when people have asked how much is left in the fic -- here's the behind-the-scenes.

Originally it was going to be a one-shot -- just that first chapter, a static portrait of depression and alcoholism. The ending of it caught people off-guard, because we expect change and progress in our narratives, so it's disconcerting to reach the end and get neither. It begins with Robert miserable and hungover, alone in the dark except for Betsy, and it ends with him miserable and drunk, alone in the dark except for Betsy, no improvement, not even any cause for hope. It’s a rude thing to do to readers, but that’s what alcoholism and depression is.

And then the bake sale chapter came to me; I don't recall the inspiration, and initially I was apprehensive of the reception it would get because it was so very different in tone from the first chapter. But hey, it turns out people like seeing Robert have a good day too, and together those two stories didn't form any real meta structure, but I could live with that.

And then, Scheherazade-like, the same night I posted “The Zara Shirt," my brain furnished me with the complete plot for “This House Just Sings (This House Just Screams).” And suddenly the chapters started getting harder to write, because suddenly they mattered more. It wasn't just about Robert's depression anymore, or his fluffy escapist romance with Gene, it was also really, really important to me that people understood just how fucking terrible Joseph is, that there is nothing sexy about psychological abuse, and goddamn this fucking fandom and their hard-on for shipping Robert with Joseph. Usually I don't care if people like a pairing that I'm not into -- Steve/Tony? Sure, you do you, bro -- but this... christ almighty.

At best, Joseph is a manipulative serial adulterer who took advantage of someone mentally ill and grieving. At worst, you're shipping Robert with his rapist. If you like Robert, you shouldn't want him anywhere near Joseph, and I could write a thousand words of meta on the subject -- or I could write a fic that delivers the same message.

Anyway, after that installment, the series had developed enough that I felt it deserved some closure before I stopped. As I was working on “This House,” I was also kicking around some ideas for the next chapter to be something more lighthearted, as a palate cleanser -- a romp in which Robert and Mary scheme to trick Gene into getting a dog. Then after that, I thought, would be the closing chapter, featuring some important conversations between Robert and Gene, showing what lasting change looks like for someone like Robert, and ending on a note that is not without complications, but hopeful. (Kind of like the ending of the game.) Five chapters in all, three serious installments with two lighter interludes.

Except it didn't happen that way, because after "This House" my brain was like "lol okay but what if you wrote a sex comedy about Gene and Alex and Craig and Smashley having a foursome instead?" And after that my ideas started wandering more toward Gene's angle (*cough* and Alex) and we got three Gene-centric chapters in a row -- “The In-Laws,” “Her Dad's Dumb Crush,” and Gene's remix of “The Zara Shirt.” And with each chapter, Alex became more and more integral to Gene's world, and rightfully so -- you don't love and live with someone for fifteen years without shaping each other. Gene's history is so deeply wrapped up in Alex, all the major touchstones of his life have involved Alex, all his beliefs about what relationships should be and how to make them work were formed by his experiences with Alex.

And it was while I was writing the foursome chapter that it stopped being a coincidence that Robert and Gene hadn't had sex yet, and crystallized as yet another thing that Robert had issues about -- which is why the chapter that wound up coming out next was the morning-after coda, “After the Storm,” when they finally acknowledge the existence of those issues. And it meant that the ending wasn't simply a matter of getting around to writing a sex scene (and addressing the alcoholism, and addressing the depression), it also needed to work through the intimacy issues that Robert's Joseph-related PTSD had left him with.

(That's part of what delayed the sex comedy -- that in the original version, it was Robert who prompted it, and Gene told the story to him, not Mary. But halfway through, it became blindingly clear that this is not a story Gene can tell Robert. Not at this point in their relationship; Robert is already wildly insecure about his worth as a partner and how he measures up to Alex's memory, and struggling with his hangups about sex. Listening to a story about how much Gene adored Alex (and all the crazy awesome uninhibited sex they had) would have gutted him. So it got overhauled, and Robert got swapped out for Mary and her more neutral, prurient curiosity.)

And that means the ending isn't just addressing the romance, and the substance abuse, and the depression, and the PTSD, Robert also needs to reconcile himself to the memory of Alex and the place that he's always going to hold in Gene's heart.

So yeah, I admit, I keep moving the goalposts.

But what makes an ending satisfying is whether it provides proper closure and forms symmetry with the rest of the story. And as the story evolves, so too does the ending need to, or you're going to wind up with a Harry Potter epilogue situation -- a jarring return to primary colors after the story has broadened into shades of gray. Delving deeper into Robert's character and his myriad issues has meant reassessing where the finish line needs to be -- and for Robert, the finish line has never been about sex, or even romance, really. They show that in the game -- that his good ending isn't about getting to shag the Dadsona, it's about finding the will to change and finding someone who cares about him enough to support him in that endeavor.

So I wouldn't say that I have a plan for the ending exactly -- I'm still playing it by ear and letting the story unfold as it wants to -- but I do know what it needs to accomplish and I am building toward that resolution, not just meandering around pointlessly. It'll probably cap out around 100k~120k, because novel-length is the only way I know how to tell a story.

Now if I could just get over this fucking writer's block that leaves my head full of stories but without the words to tell them.