#((love realizing hours after posting this that i mispelled the cr tag))

[disasterhumans]

I had a surprisingly strong reaction to Marisha's inclusion of "I Am Here," on her Beau playlist, so naturally I felt compelled to write a thousand words about it.

I open up my heart You can love me or not There's no such thing as sin Let it all come right in

Marisha chose this song as Beau's tribute and remembrance of Molly, and these opening lines certainly reflect something of Molly's general philosophy. As Taliesin has said, "There's a way of both not giving a fuck about what people think, but giving a fuck about people." Molly was always open with his affection, and generous with it. Beau, in contrast, closed herself off from the world as a coping mechanism. She realized just a little too late how much she actually appreciated Molly's openness. We tend to focus on Beau's resolve to "leave places better than she found them," after Molly's death, but I think her increased vulnerability, and willingness to be emotionally supportive (even when she hides it behind bravado) in recent episodes has also been a result of a shift in perspective prompted by Molly's death.

I wanna make some mistakes, I wanna sleep in the mud

We know from things both Marisha and Beau have said that Beau has internalized the idea that she's a "fuck up." The desire to "make some mistakes," is probably fraught for Beau. It's one way you could characterize her criminal past and her general rebelling against her father. But there's also a part of her that's always just a little bit terrified that she's going to prove everyone's worst suspicions about her correct. I think she wants the freedom to be able to fuck up sometimes without it meaning that she is a fuck up. That's something that's come up a few times in smaller moments (Twiggy: I don't really make the best decisions, Beau: I can relate; "Oh no! My actions affect other people!" from episode 45). Beau has been working hard to "leave every place better than she found it," but she's also been better at cutting herself some slack, and leaving herself room to make mistakes and learn in the process ("Having one transformative experience doesn't mean you're going to be better overnight. Being better is something you have to work at, I guess," from ep 36). She doesn't generally excoriate herself when she makes a mistake, but she'll acknowledge it and try to move forward from there. This has actually been true since before episode 26/7. Her whole "learning to be polite" thing with Fjord carried across several episodes, and included her 1) willingly deciding she needed to apologize to Caleb (even though Fjord didn't really think she needed to), and 2) knowing she would need help in the execution, and then asking for it. And while Beau's general demeanor hasn't changed, it's so apparent how much those "lessons," did really help with Beau's ability to interact with people. (I'm still not over the fact that Beau apologized roughly five times in episode 45, and all of them were genuine.)

I wanna swim in the flood, I wanna fuck til I'm done I like whiskey on ice, I like sun in my eyes 

These lines reflect something of both Molly's and Beau's approaches to life. Beau once told Jester and Caleb that all she wants to do is "make a ton of money and drink a lot of booze, “ (ep 11). But where Molly's hedonism was in some part due to a "life is short," mentality, Beau's pursuit of happiness and simple pleasures has something of a desperate edge to it. (As Marisha puts it: "She has never had an extended moment of happiness her whole life, and she's still searching for it.")

It's also worth noting here that one of the ways Beau chose to honor Molly's memory was to have a lot of sex. Learning how to “open up [her] heart,” in order to truly appreciating the joy of living in the world is just as important a thing for Beau to be striving for as her dedication to leaving places better than she found them. While it’s true that the two times Beau has (canonically) had sex didn’t really involve emotional connection (debatable in regards to Keg, though), I think they still represented her trying to break down some of her walls. Would Beau have felt compelled enough to proposition Keg if Molly hadn’t passed? I don’t think there’s a way to know the answer to that question, but it certainly seemed to factor into her decision in the moment.

I wanna burn it all down, so let's start a fire I wanna be lost, so lost that I'm found Naked and laughing with my blood on the ground

Much as Beau claims to have no real goals or motivations, she's clearly ready to fuck shit up and tear shit down when presented the opportunity. She has an almost knee-jerk opposition to authority in any and all forms (except maybe Fjord's captaining). It's one of the things that draws her to Dairon and the Expositors. I think it's part of what motivated her to help the Knights of Requital (even if she was also significantly motivated by money), and it's what made her such a terrifying (if somewhat unexpected) adversary to Avantika. Just because Beau is trying to commit herself to putting good into the world doesn't mean it's not going to come with a fair amount of chaos and destruction (e.g. freeing the Marid).

I am here, I am here I've already seen the bottom, so there's nothing to fear I know that I'll be ready when the devil is near I am here, I am here All of this wrong, but I'm still right here

I love that the song Marisha chose for Beau's memory of Molly is so much about being present in the face of tragedy. "I am here," can mean so many things. It can be a declaration of presence, or of defiance and resolve ("all of the this wrong, but I'm still right here"). For Beau, there may even be some survivor's guilt mixed in. She's still "here" when Molly isn't, because he was trying to protect her. What are the chances even a small part of her believes she doesn't deserve to be here?

Regardless, one thing remains: the worst has happened, but Beauregard is made of tenacity. Murder and kidnap her friends and she'll all but kill you with her bare hands. Beau may not be caring or soft in traditional ways, but she's fiercely protective of her friends and committed to keeping them safe.

I don't have the answers but the question is clear Let me ask you Where does everybody go when they go? 

In Marisha's write-up for this song, she writes, "[this was Beau's] first real lesson that in this world and in this life that they're living, if you hold onto something that you want to say to someone, you might lose the opportunity forever, at any moment." This leads me to believe that this is the first time Beau has really had to grapple with the death of someone close to her. Even if Beau intellectually understands what death "is," actually wrestling with the knowledge that someone is just gone is a lot to process. I'm honestly not sure whether this would be easier or harder to grapple with in a world where there's proof of gods and an afterlife. I would imagine that people still wonder "where do you go when you die," and I don't think those answers would feel any clearer even if they factually exist.

May the light be upon me May I feel in my bones that I am enough I can make anywhere home

"My I feel in my bones that I am enough," is one of the lines that prompted me to write this post to begin with. I kept wanting to pick a favorite bit of the song before realizing how well all of it fits Beau. But this line, specifically, breaks my heart precisely because we know that Beau doesn't think she's enough. In fact, she often seems to be afraid of the very prospect--she feels compelled to couch her good intentions and kind gestures in self-effacing bravado and deprecation. She so desperately wants to be "enough," but is so used to being too much, or too abrasive for others that she has a tendency to put up walls to mask how much she seeks validation. The Mighty Nein--and Fjord and Jester in particular--were the first people to see past that and accept it. Fjord and Jester are also particularly good at seeing past her tough exterior in her more genuine moments (e.g. Fjord recognizing when Beau's actually being nice, even when it comes across as sarcastic; or Jester understanding what Beau is offering when she tries to downplay her ability to be a 'best friend,' in episode 46). Of the Mighty Nein, Beau has the fewest emotional ties to a given "home," (with the possible exception of Fjord), and has clearly decided that the Mighty Nein--wherever they are, and wherever they might go--are her home.

I can think of one thousand places much worse than this

And who wants to bet that even in their scariest moments, everything she's encountered with the Mighty Nein is still vastly better than where she started out?