#(and then transfer back to austria after 1 year by trying that test again)

[adore-gregor]

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[futurewriter2000]

Tell me I'm doing the right thing...

When I was in 9th grade I decided to go one of the hardest school in the city. The famous grammar school, everybody thought as one of the hardest in the country. I was an ambitious idiot to think I could actually make it.

But did I know that my first test is going to be a 1 (which is the worst grade in our grading system)? I didn't know that I would be crying over exams coming next week. I also didn't know that I was actually that stupid.

In 1st year I was only fucking around because I made wrong friends, who failed that year, but I didn't. I made it.

2nd year I was crying before even starting the term. I didn't want to go through the second year because all my friends failed and were not there anymore and my classmates didnt like me only because I was their friend. I tried to transfer into another class because I had more friends there than in my own. And it wasn't only becuase of friends, it was because I was mentally exhausted from my family life and my last year. Because of my fucking around in third year my whe summer was over.

That was the year I found out what depression feels like. It took me a lot of months to actually figure it out but I did. I thought of suicide more than once that year but music helped to get me through. Yeah sometimes its lame but I listen to music every day, every night before I got to sleep because it helped. I didn't start smoking like my sister or drink like my dad and cousin. I listened to music.

I don't remember 2nd year that much but I remember my summer when I had to spend it behind my desk, studying German and Chemistry because I failed those classes. I remember nights crying in my room because I simply wanted to give up already.

3rd year I started studying hard. Like really hard because those grades count for college. I got mostly 3's and I thought I was actually smarter. Succeeding finaly in all three years. Until I started studying other subjects harder and more but continued to get some sort of block during tests and fail them. It was horrible. The block kept being there.

Music stopped helping and know that I never cry. Ever. I never cry during movies or when something sad happens. To be honest I can't cry anymore and its horrible. Its like holding this big bubble of sadness inside of yourself and you can't get it out. I tried to force myself to cry but I couldn't. But when I failed German test again, the bubble popped and I started crying because I couldn't go through that awful summer one more time. It's stupid I know, to cry because of school or tests but I spent 5 days in bed, not eating nor sleeping because of it.

And then there was writing. I started writing since I was eleven. First in my native language and then later in English. It helped. Writing helped and you guys made days more tolerable.

But I can't hide behind my writing anymore. Combatants was written because of my German test and those days I was "sick". And the last George imagine was written this morning after my meltdown. I have many imagines written based on how I feel but they are not finished because I don't have a happy ending for them.

So here I am. Failing every subject and even though I always say a piece of paper won't define me, I feel like the dumbest person here. I try and I fail. I hate giving up and I hate asking for help but I am just so fucking exhausted. My brain is drained. I can't remember normal things anymore like birthdays or how to make my favorite cake. I got confused so much I sometimes forget what a person told me 2 seconds ago. I keep waking up during sleep just to make sure I still remember what I studied for. I dream about failing subjects and its terrible.

Its stupid. It really is stupid what I stress out and cry about. But I can't help it. I had 5's and 4's in middle school. (The best two in our grading system) Do you know how much I miss the feeling of actually studying and getting a good grade at it. Like what I would do to get that feeling back.

So this morning I told my dad I can't do it anymore. I told my mom I want to drop out. Now my family life isn't perfect. Its complicated and horrible but I thought they would at least suport me at this.

They didnt.

My mom said that she would rather see me get through 100 meltdowns than let me give up on school.

It hurt she said that because she never went through what I did. She was basically home schooled. My dad ... I don't know what he thinks because for the last few months he wasn't speaking to us that much.

My thoughts went back to thinking is it really worth being here anymore. My family ain't perfect, nor my grades, life... Who would care if I just take a palm of pills and fall asleep? I just want to stop feeling this exhausted.

And then I think...

But did my idol give up on life that easy. How many times he thought of killing himself but wrote it all in songs, that help other people with the worse problems than me. What if somehow by any miracle everything turns good?

And now I think is it better to drop out of school and start another year back up in Austria with my friend or should I just try and get throught the meltdowns to finish this year. What if its worth it going through them in the end?

So here I am, laying in bed, writing this because somehow I thought it would help and solve my problem. I guess I was wrong.

[cas-essence]

Rules: Always post the rules, answer the questions given to you, then write 10 questions of your own, and tag 10 other people.

Tagged by @gneisscastiel, @starsinursa and @magnificent-winged-beast Thank you so much for tagging me! This was fun! :)

(First I wanted to select three questions from each of you, but then I got into them and just decided to answer them all :D)

Questions by gneisscastiel:

1. What is your favorite rock or mineral?

Amethyst, because my mum wore it a lot when I was little

2. Have you ever seen the northern lights?

Yes, actually I have. When I flew back from the US to Germany, I had to change planes in Island at 4 am. I saw the northern lights from the plane window that night. Most beautiful flight I’ve ever experienced

3. Do you like cilantro?

I had to google what that means in German and no, I don’t. It’s one of the few herbs I don’t like

4. Favorite song that’s been used on Supernatural?

“Oh Death” by Jen Titus. Fun fact, I knew that song and that it was used in spn long before I started watching the show. It was ultimately what got me to watch.

5. What is one place you would like to visit before you die?

This is the hardest question of all of these. Traveling is my number 1 goal in live and there are so many places I’d like to visit. Picking “the one” is hard, but New Zealand is definitely up there.

6. Do you believe in a higher power?

I’m an agnostic, so … ultimately, I believe that good and evil originate in humanity and whether you justify one or the other by citing a higher power doesn’t make your actions less your own.

7. What are you afraid of?

Two things: The loss of the people that are most important to me and the loss of my ability to wholeheartedly enjoy live.

8. Favorite episode of Supernatural?

The Man who would be King (I already cried by the time Cas had finished his monologue before the titlecard.)

9. What color are Castiel’s wings?

What a great question!

I have about a thousand different headcanons concerning Cas’ wings, some of which actively contradict each other.

First, for anyone really into wings I’d recommend Northern Sparrow’s two-part fic “Forgotten” and “Flight” which feature some of the most well thought out wing headcanons I have ever seen. (Although by their hitcount I’m pretty sure the whole fandom must have read them by now and I don’t really need to rec them.)

I personally believe that if Castiel manifested his wings on earth, their color would be a seemingly plain, yet elegant mixture of greys, whites and blacks, because humans would not be able to perceive their true colors. Some animals, however, are able to see the different spectrums that are invisible to humans. (That’s why bees like Cas as much as he likes them ;) )

10. What was one of the meals you had today?

I had Pizza :D I wrote an exam today and after that I didn’t trust myself with cooking anything fancier than that.

Questions by Starsinursa:

1.What song would you choose as the theme-song for your life?

“Veitstanz” by Subway to Sally (I realize that most likely noboby knows either the band or the song ^^)

2. What’s an embarrassing story about you as a child?

Puh, I don’t remember much, even though I probably did a lot of embarrassing stuff. The only thing that comes to mind was when I was about eight years old and enthusiastically embraced a man in a shopping mall because I thought he was my father. He wasn’t.

3. What’s a hobby or skill that you want to learn?

I really want to learn how to play the harp.

4. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever eaten?

My mother once made roman snails for dinner and didn’t tell me until I ate them all. I must say, they didn’t taste half bad.

5. If you could pick your age, what age would you want to stay forever?

Gosh … none? Honestly, I wouldn’t want to stop ageing. Each age has it’s merits and drawbacks. Sure, right now I sometimes feel overwhelmed because I’m suddenly supposed to act like the adult I do not feel I am, but it’s not like being a child or teenager was always easy. So, I think I’ll stick to ageing.

6. What’s your least favorite household chore?

There is a reason none of my clothes are ever ironed …

7. Have you ever been told you look like someone famous, and if so, who?

Someone once told me I looked like Jennifer Lawrence :D

8. If you wrote an autobiography, what would the title be?

How to lead your life through trial and error – a comprehensive guide

9. What’s the meaning of your name?

Sophie –> wisdom

10. What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?

A few days ago, a relatively new friend told me that with me, they don’t feel that they have to pretend to be someone else. Since it took me so long to accept myself as who I am and not try to pretend to be someone I’m not to fit in, this means a lot to me.  

Questions by Magnificent-winged-beast:

1. Which are the most influential books over your lifetime?

Harry Potter – Those books were the first ones I read myself and to this day, I reread them at least once a year. Like so many others, they helped me through some very difficult times and when I didn’t know where to go, I could visit Hogwarts in my head. I don’t think there will ever be a fictional world that will influence me as much as these books have.

2. What your patronus will look like?

Well, on pottermore, I got the Marsh Harrier, which, according to Wikipedia, are “medium-sized raptors and the largest and broadest-winged harriers.” Before the test, I always hoped I’d have a bird as a patronus, so I’ll happily take this one.

3. Where do you think you will go when you die?

I honestly don’t presume to know that. I HOPE that we will be reborn when we die (Mostly due to the fact that I hope that, if we have souls, they will get more than one lifetime to learn and grow), but do I think that that is more likely than anything else? Not really.

4. How many times did you watch Supernatural entire series from the beginning to the last season?

Three times and since I only watched it for the first time a year ago, you can imagine how much time went into that over the last year. Also, I often rewatch random episodes when I feel like it.

5. Where is your Happy place?

In my mind? At Hogwarts

In real life? On a specific Mountain in Austria, where my grandparents and aunts and unlces build a cabin. There isn’t a more peaceful place in the world I can think of.

6. If it were possible, would you like for your consciousness be transfered in to an android after you die?

Um, no. Just no. As much as I love steam punk, I don’t think that would be a pleasant existence.

7. Do you believe in our Hot Over Lord Misha Collins?

I sacrifice a sock monkey each day at the altar I build for him out of old cereal boxes and plucked chicken feathers.

8. Do you prefer a Human!Cas or you wish Cas to keep his Grace and everything that makes him an angel when he comes back?

Tricky question. At the end of the day, I love Cas in every single form he takes and if they manage to write a believable arc for him I will accept both as his end-game. I also believe it is likely that when the show ends, Cas will choose to turn human or stay human, whichever it is by then. That being said, I don’t necessarily like that that is the case. I’ve never liked the shows narrative that Cas’ allegiance is somehow tied to what he is. He is obviously not happy with the angels (at least as a whole), but does that mean he is necessarily unhappy as an angel?

My problem is that current canon would suggest no, but sadly, I’m not too happy with that. Cas needs to accept himself and in my few, that means he should not have to sacrifice parts of himself, which his grace clearly is.  

9. Which song do you think could perfectly fit for the first kiss on screen of Dean and Cas?

Depends on the kind of kiss it turns out to be. If it’s Dean, about to rush into danger and thinking “To hell with it!” and kissing Cas sloppily on the mouth before running of, I’m voting for Highway to Hell. If it’s softer, if, for example, Cas and Dean are standing in the bunker kitchen and Dean is trying to convince Cas not to leave again and so he kisses him, gently and pleadingly, then I’d like it to be an acoustic guitar version of “You are my sunshine”.

10. Tell me about a recurrent dream that makes you happy.

I honestly don’t have any reoccurring dreams. Sorry

My Questions:

1. Who is the most important person in your life?

2. What was your least favourite subject in school?

3. If you could trade places with anyone on earth for one day, who would it be?

4. How did you discover Supernatural and why did you decide to watch it?

5. Who was your role model growing up?

6. Are there any local legends or myths where you live and if so what are they about?

7. If you could abolish one thing that happened on Supernatural from it’s canon what would it be?

8. What do you do on weekends to relax after a particularly stressful week?

9. Is there a headcanon about Supernatural you have never shared on tumblr?

10. The Quote you want to be remembered by:

I’ll try not to tag people who were already tagged by the people who tagged me. If I missed someone I apologize. :)

@fangirlingtodeath513 @babybluecas @winchdean @destielonfire @aini-nufire @teachercastiel @huggy-bears @teamfrwill @saltrounds-and-hellhounds @lunaroceanic