#now all i can do is try again next year | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

jimmyspades · 5 months

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#that first gif... he is deadly #james spader #alan shore #boston legal #*#favorite #there's a full-length shot in this scene where you can see his belly. stretching the fabric of his shirt just above his waistband. ougghhh #trying to focus on how sexy this is but this episode was so. soft and suffering alan #once again everyone expects the worse from him. they ASK it of him for their own benefit #and he doesn't disappoint. he is the worst and he loses his temper and finds himself on the ledge again #when he storms out of denny's office so mad he can't even look at him. went home alone and furious and upset #drank himself to sleep for the first time in months if not years bc after a good run it feels like things are falling apart again #the way they always do. because that's what alan shore deserves #he thought it might be different this time. he thought well my parents didn't care about me. my wife died. I got fired. everyone leaves #maybe this time will be different. but now he's in the hotel room where he lives. without his best friend. about to be disbarred. stupid.#this was always going to happen because he doesn't deserve any better. they were all right about him. they were right to run away #everything is fixed the next day he and denny go on a field trip 🤠 but GD!!!!!#alaaaaannnnnnn 😭

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carnivalcarriondiscarded · 1 year

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hmmmm having angsty Lights Out thoughts

#i know when i post about it i usually make it Lighthearted if not outright Memey #but oh boy. this au is dark. like - like beyond the literal meaning #imagine being abandoned by your creators without so much as a warning #one day the lights go out and thats it. no answers. no comfort. no friendly faces or explanation #show's over. curtains closed. doors locked. they're all gone #it's just waiting in a pitch black room because surely the lights will turn back on. the next day will come #but it Won't. the next day won't come. it will never come. your friends won't open their eyes again. it's just you now.#you've always had company - friends and the comfort of feeling Watched Over by something beyond your understanding #but you blinked and its gone now. it's just you. no matter what you try or what you do - its. just. you.#days and weeks and moths and years of silence and a complete lack of color #burning matches down to your fingertips just to remember what shade of yellow your fleece is #its still wrong. firelight stains the color.#slowly forgetting the sound of your friends voices and what their smiles looked like and what the memories you made with them were #what was your best friends favorite joke? what was his hotdog order? how did he laugh? he used to pose for your paintings didnt he?#you can't be sure anymore. maybe the neighborhood was always dead. maybe You're dead. how can you tell?#you don't breathe. they don't either. they used to didn't they? you never did but they used to. ...right? you hope their dreams are sweet #one of your friends starts sleepwalking. you're so happy. she hurts you. you know she didnt mean it. you're scared anyway.#you can only see with one eye now. it feels... Wrong. all of your chalk drawings start coming out wrong too.#you keep missing when you reach for things. just one more thing to adjust to #were the lights ever on? or was that your own dream? you thought that was something you couldnt do.#you also thought the lights always come back. you were wrong about that. what else are you wrong about?#wh lights out au #wailing sobbing screaming etc over lights out wally... this poor little 12 apples dude...#aimlessly wandering through the town... walking through the buildings....#eventually getting so fucking lonely and desperate that you keep your best friend's severed arm for comfort #all you can do is protect your eternally sleeping friends from the Things crawling out of the shadows #mark another tally on the ground for each full circle the town clock's short hand completes #and wait for the day you fall asleep and join your friends dreams. it will happen someday.#you can feel it in the pitch seeping from your eyes and mouth. more with each decade that passes #just a little while longer. some more waiting. just you. in the dark.

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icewindandboringhorror · 3 months

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Apparently I can meet my goal of roughly 400,000 words in 6 months if I just somehow write at least 2,200 words a day ghbjh... Almost 2,500 today... huzzah...

#Definitely not going to be able to stick with it just due to like... being realistic about my energy levels and etc. ESPECIALLY as we #enter the Evil Summer and it becomes hot all the time. But... one can attempt.. at least...#I'm also a very slow writer since I tend to re-read and edit while I write. and only move onto the next section once what I'm writing #seems okay. Which is easy for visual novel type stuff. since ''sections'' of a conversation are more clearly marked (like if you #have a menu option with 5 different dialogue choices. finish the character's response for choice 1 before moving onto 2. etc.)#Especially since when I'm done with a whole quest I always follow it up by playing through it and picking every option and making sure it #actually all works okay and etc. So I am already going to see it all a second time. Then I can go back and reorder a few words or remove #certain sentences that don't sound natural when I read them out loud (I always read it all outloud to myself since it is... just peple #talking.. it should sound like natural dialogue in their voice. etc). But my ''first draft'' is kind of not as first drafty since I pause t #edit a lot as I go along. So it also takes longer probably than it would take other people who I think treat a first draft as more #of a loose guideline or something. AANYWAY...#80F in my bedroom right now again... huzzah... I did end up finishing and recording that sims build video before the heat wave (or is #it really a heat wave if it's just summer..?? lol) came in.. but now... augh.. the editing... plus the costume photos and all else... Much #to do as always.. Often such a long todo list.. a giant scroll hung upon the walls of the evil hermit wizard tower..#Anyhow.. I hope I can finish getting ready for bed early in time to reward myself with a game of tripeaks solitaire whilst I snack on #cheddar cheese and some of those preserved artichokes in a jar. hrgm... I actually have nasturtiums (ultimate best flower) on the #deck again this year but I had to move them all into a corner today because the leaves were getting burnt by the sun lol.. Also am now more #cautiously weaving through social media to ignore all dragon age news. NOT bc of spoilers (I actually love spoilers/literally never play #any game until there's full guides on it I can read to plan my entire playthrough based on knowing exactly what I want to happen lol + mods #and etc.) but just because I'm so busy with my ownprojects I simply do not have the brainspace to dedicate... Yes I love to think #about elves and fictional universe lore. but no.. I pretend I do not see it. Does not exist to me actually. ghgj.. OHH also took som #cool pictures of flowers in the garden section of a store and I wanted to do like.. character designs based on the colors of the flowers o #something. but that might just be another unnecessary project to add to the pile.. I want to commit to the daunting task of dyeing my #hair again some time.. hrm.. this is all of the updates I can think of. As if a bunch of random tags make up for never posting anything for #weeks on end lol.. alas.. too warm to think properly I suppose.. .. I neeeeeed a long lost relative to leave me some million dollar #estate in their will so I can have the resources to move to a colder climate or something ..augh #.. but for now.. I shall toil away in my little wizard tower trying to write 2000 something words a day whilst sweating and such ghbj

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opens-up-4-nobody · 5 months

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#my dads back in ohio again so im back on my own. i still feel terrible but at least i have a plan #i have 2 weeks of this semester left. so i have to not fail my genomics exam and work on a group project plus grade a bunch #shouldnt be too hard but everything makes me so tired rn and i just feel this barrier between myself and everything else #even when my dad was here. i just dont kno how to feel happy. just varied levels of stress #but after the semester is over ill have to find a job for the summer. which super stresses me out bc i havent really had a real job outside #academia and im worried about how stressful ill find it bc im sure its gonna suck but at least i wont have to work on my project #i just think if i had a normal job that doesnt dominate every aspect of my life id feel a little less terrible. or at least i wouldnt send #myself spiralling so much. if i stay here i might not survive it #but what if ill just make myself miserable wherever i am? i dunno. but im gonna try to find a non academic job this summer with the epa or #maybe the usgs. i mean ive gota a bachelor's and a masters in environmental topics. that's gotta count for something #just get a government job. pray for a not terrible set of coworkers. and build something from there #it just sucks bc i feel like everythings falling apart and like i kno if i gave it my all i could pull thru and get my phd but im just so #tired of struggling against something everyone else can do. i just cant read at a level appropriate for what im doing #ugh. i dont wanna study for genomics. i just wanna sleep. i just wish i wasn't in this position #and now i a baby about it. i mean my sisters r in similar positions bc the youngest is currently looking for a teaching job. and my middle #sister is looking to move to new york city in the next 6 months and she'd be quitting her job for that. so we're all sorta in flux #i just wanna not be flailing. not watch my hopes and dreams collapse. be excited about anything. im just sad bc i have to make hard choices #even if i know theyre the right ones to make if i want to continue to exist. sometimes u cant have the things u wany.#and that sucks and i hate it. theme of the year: sometimes life sucks and theres nothing u can do abt it #unrelated

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moonlit-orchid · 5 months

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When your friend needs you to be there to comfort them, but you have no energy for serious conversations and so you're stuck wondering if youre being a selfish asshole or if youre justified in not wanting to be the one to sort their problems out

#vent #its not like they didnt offer to hear my problems. but i just dont want to talk about. or anything #i dont want serious conversations. i dont want to have to worry about other people. i just cant.#im just so fucking exhausted and i dont know if its talking to them and feeling drained by the fact that theyre going through something-#-and that i need to be the therapist or if im just sick. again.#plus yesterday i slept late. my mum made me cry (i think she was just tired out by that point in the day so i doubt it was personal)#and just #im fucking tired ok #and I'm sorry im a bad friend #i just dont have energy. i want to have good energy around me to try give me some.#but when theyre upset it gets into me and drains me and I've been there as much as i can but i just cant right now. im too tired #i know im a shitty person but literally everyone got to be a shitty person at my expense so isnt it my fucking turn?#and then assuming i was acting like that to hurt them. I DO NOT WANT TO HURT ANYONE. IF WE HAVE A FIGHT I WANT TO MOVE ON.#I'm not gonna be caught up in it if we resolved it #but yeah. long story short they're going through shit and i feel like shit #and i think them going through shit is what makes me feel like shit. because i worry about them #and they can lash out on me #i just dont know anymore. i dont know if im an awful person or not #last year i broke up with a friend and my mum said I'll do the same with the next friend #it wasnt my fault #that friend ghosted me #im trying not to be her rn too and im scared that ive been in the wrong im scared im a shitty person too #but at the same time im too done to even really care #i just wanna stop fucking feeling all this and just get on with my day

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faunandfloraas · 5 months

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hey sorry for the stupid question but what is the weather like in australia? I used to think it was really hot there most of the year but when chanlix or skz are filming in australia it's not that sunny and it's it doesn't look like it's really hot either lol

Climate change gets the best of us </3 skz has only ever visited Melbourne and Sydney, these are both south eastern states so unlike say Western Australia or the Northern Territory or even Queensland, we aren't as hot as they are- contrary to the image of Australia that tends to exist I.e literal desert in the outback, we get winter and we get rain, it's autumn right now and today's forecasted temp is 27°c so... that's not exactly cold, but it's not always hot? It's all over the place lol

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iliveinprocrasti-nationn · 6 months

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one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else

#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more #I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s #the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything #that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da #lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how #get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to #and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not #be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much #of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so.#literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in #bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it #into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it #but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted #any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself #not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha #usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day #because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere #I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s #just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway #this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this #bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school #vent tw #yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely #disability #chronically ill #i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho #i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to #anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse #I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours #I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework

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voulezloux · 4 months

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#idk how to tag this but it’s about my dad who i just went NC with bc he’s abusive and hasn’t changed #so if you don’t want to read keep scrolling i don’t care i just need to fucking do something #i’ve passed rage and now i’m just sad #and i feel bad about being sad bc i don’t want to be sad bc being sad SUCKS #i feel like i’m burdening my friends by telling them the shit my dad did to me #ik realistically im probably not but i just #only three people would truly understand the situation #my mom my sister and my childhood best friend #my sister is off limits bc i’m not putting her in the middle of this again #my mom was also abused by my dad and i don’t want to trigger her or make her feel bad so i don’t feel like #i can always go to her about this shit #and i don’t want to take advantage of my best friend’s listening ear even though she is being supportive of me and everything #like i just feel guilty and i feel like im burdening others with my burden #i want it to all stop i just want to stop being sad #i want to stop feeling like im 7 year old me hiding in the pantry from my dad #i don’t want to go to work i don’t want to do anything really #and it’s not like i want to die i just want to stop feeling like this #i want to stop feeling like i somehow fucked everything up when it was my dad’s fault #ik i should book another therapy appointment but i can’t with the way my week is next week #and idk i’m just #im not having a good time #i’ve taken an ativan every night this week bc of all this #previous to this idk when the last time i took an ativan even was #and i’m not trying to read into it too much but its hard not to when ive gone literal months without taking it #and now i’m taking it every night so i don’t stay up half the night bc my brain won’t shut up

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immortalsins · 4 months

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self-isolation during times of stress is pretty bad actually shame it took me 2 years of uni to realise this

#not to be cringe but i ended up joining the people on my course today when our lecturer didn't show and one girl was getting on with work #so sat at the same table but not talking to the rest of us #we were having a whole rant session about third year optional modules and i said something that made the others laugh & she was smiling #to herself @ it #u are trying to be serious studying over in the corner but i got u sjhbjkhbsd #they're such nice people and i wish i'd been proactive in becoming friends at the start #because my lecture skipping meant i never gave myself the chance to do so and they all moved on ahead of me #i can talk to them any time and they're always so lovely but i'm not in the core group #and i've done that to myself #:(( hopefully next year .... she says again #i see them often in lectures but not outside of that much and it's my own fault that now i'm at a point where it's weird to request to join #outside of lectures i mean #but today i asked and it was fine <3 small steps #for someone so prone to removing myself entirely from everyone around me #:/ my default is to assume that nobody wants me there and i can rarely gather the strength to be there anyway #deep deep issue that one!! because it extends to my parents #need to shut up and get one with work wow

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i-appear-misssing · 2 months

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I just had the horrible thought that I need to fall in love because having devastating crushes on beautiful, competent, authoritative women that I desperately want to please is exhausting and I need it to stop

#this one is straight so there's no room for delusion which is good #but my burning need to be her most favorite is eating me from the inside #it IS making me better at my job though #.......i mean i think so but what the fuck do i know #on friday night amongst the grueling psychosexual chaos that ensued a very smart guy that I LOVE said to me #i have no doubts you're gonna be a great psychiatrist actually #i traded a month with him to have another month with her #he's a phenomenologist she's a psychodynamic....ist? rival theories #I don't like most of psychodynamic theory.......so far #but i love the way she works and i can see how well it fits with her manymanyMANY patients and goddamnit i love personality dosorders #so i made the choice to go with her yes and im very torn casue i LOVE that guy and i wish i could become his friend like my bff from my year #also.......kind of dumb of me since I'd only soend two days a week woth her and the other three with very scary ladies #but I've been in scarier situation i can manage #and god when she praises me (silently obv she's only been forward about my merit ONCE and i almost pissed myself like an overexcited dog)#the endorphin rush is........man #but yes i need to work on this.......idk how to define it. closest i can get to explaining it is professional sub space #with strong aspects of praise kink #pathetic is what it is really #but hey if it makes me study harder who fucking cares right #I'm gonna be the smartest most intuitive fucking bitch amongst my peers so if I can't have her (them) carnally then goddamnit #I'LL HAVE THEIR PRAISE AND RESPECT AND ADMIRATION AT LEAST #........I'll be normal again in a week or two i just need to get over these next couple of days of....idk. inflammation i guess #yeah it's just like an infected wound right now #angry red throbbing hot pain #i know the drill it'll be better in a couple of days you just need to not freak out and let it do its thing #it's nice to be mature-r about emotional impulsivity and the shame that comes after an episode of deregulation #it really doesn't have to be a big deal even while it still feels like it #it still hurts but it's like......hour three of a tattoo. it's a bitch but you know it's gonna be over eventually and wriggling won't work #the only thing left to do is enjoying it all while it's happening or trying to #I don't think I'm doing a great job but what're you gonna do right

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seventh-district · 4 months

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#Seven’s Public Diary #vent post #vent #cw vent post #cw vent #cw health #cw medical #cw medication #cw death #death mention #after nearly 2 weeks of unexplained pain and Symptoms and working myself up into the worst panic attack of my life #i finally caved and went to urgent care :)#it’s not lost on me that the same thing happened a little over a year ago. not bc of the same symptoms but it’s the same fear of dying #smthn smthn if i had a nickel smthn smthn weird that it happened twice. i rlly hope this doesn’t become a pattern #i can picture it now. every spring i walk in and they’re like ‘ugh it’s the neurotic hypochondriac with 4 anxiety disorders again 🙄#wonder what they think they’re dying of this time!’#sigh. anyways i’m fine. probably.#the consensus was ‘no you’re Probably not gonna have a stroke and die. you’re just Very stressed and in a lot of pain.’#got diagnosed with Stressed Guy Syndrome so now i take ✨painkillers✨ and ✨muscle relaxers✨ 🙃#they wanted me to take a steroid shot too but that felt like overkill. it’s also a big step for me to be willing to take anything at all #not bc i’m scared of getting a shot in the neck i’m just. scared of medication in general. the side effects. the potential for dependency.#it’s only for a week but i’m still uncomfy with it. but it Is nice to be in less pain. tho i have my doubts that it’ll help long term #time will tell. but i still can’t shake the fear of the tiny chance that it Could be more serious. but it’s not big enough for them to test #for it so. just gotta live with the fear. which in turn is making it hard to relax. which is what i’m supposed to be doing. so.#anyways. i Hope the meds work and i don’t end up back there next week spending More money and seeking more treatment #sighhhh i just can’t catch a break these days. it’s Always Something #at least the electricity and internet are back on after the tornado last week. and at least i’m not in much pain for now. silver linings.#sorry to everyone i’ve unintentionally ghosted but it’s been hard to think through the pain and now the meds are making me eepy #hopefully i’ll recover and recharge my social battery sooner than later. bc i do feel v bad abt it #and it’s So nice to sleep without much pain so i’m. taking advantage of that this week. Seven Try To Relax Challenge 2024

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ghosts-of-love · 1 year

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yo anyone wanna come to a national trust place with me today? 🍁🍂

#in spirit that is #idk ive been in this town for a year and i have work friends and i have the people i live with but i want to try to make more friends #that i can casually hang out with #i also feel like i should get better at doing stuff alone too without feeling bad that i didnt ask my friends/housemates to come #there's like two people who i can think to ask but they are both probably busy and also it would mean i have to commit to actually going #to this national trust place #which j found out is only a 15 minute drive #i should just go #sorry feeling weird about friendships #i think i tend to love a few people very deeply and so then im not good at having friends where j can be like hey wanna hit up this abbey #idk things are weird with my housemates at the moment #new person moved in . the other two are allegedly going to break up any second now but also keep banging loudly in the room next to mine #its weird and im kind of miserable in the house but happy in all other aspects of my life #like work is hesitantly going good im reading again im crocheting my hair looks nice #this turnef into a whole thing now sorry #props to you if you kept reading this long #anyway this is why i desperately want to get out of the house

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plateauofmemories · 6 months

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Me, playing Dream Drop Distance 12 years ago: okay yeah, I think I get this "power of waking" thing

Me now, crying with a Google tab open: no, wait, what the fuck was the power of waking supposed to be???

#plateau is khposting #'did you not have this question 5 years ago when you played khiii?' okay like i did probably sort of #but i also like... got the gist of what was going on. rewriting time which baby boy is not supposed to be doing. will have consequences #let me fight the next guy please #and now that i am looking back and trying tompick it apart in my mind it's like #wait. what's the mechanic that lets waking a sleeping heart and like. warping to other worlds. be the same power??#reddit tells me it's because all hearts are in the soup and you can go between them and then also up and out of them #i feel like i get it and then i close the tab and then it doesn't make sense again #anyway

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steviescrystals · 2 months

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i’m fr gonna lose my mind :)

#been a minute since i’ve ranted in the tags on here hi hello #so i have this friend who is driving me absolutely insane #we’ve been friends for about a year or so and when we first met we clicked right away and got super close and hung out all the time #we met at work but neither of us works there anymore and it feels like our whole friendship is falling apart now that we don’t #i literally have not seen her in person once since the last time we worked together (march)#and even before that we didn’t hang out outside of work since december of last year #and i have grown very used to having friends that just do not put the same amount of effort as me into our friendships and it’s sucks #so i was starting to make my peace with the fact that we just weren’t really friends anymore #but then a few months ago she started texting me asking me to hang out all the time and she seemed way more like her old self #and immediately i got sucked back in and was all excited to see her again and have her back in my life fully #but she completely flaked on me three times in a row (not even cancelling our plans but waiting until the next day to give me an excuse)#which like i said i’m unfortunately used to but she literally was the one who invited ME to hang out every time #like why are you initiating plans with me and then ignoring my calls and texts when it comes time to actually hang out #then a few weeks ago she texted me again saying we should go to a concert together bc we hadn’t in a long time #and there happens to be a concert i’ve been wanting to go to on the 31st but had no one to go with #she said she was totally in and really excited and i bought the tickets a couple days later and texted her to tell her i had #got zero response for almost a week and then she texted me yesterday saying we should hang out this week #so i said yeah let’s do it but also this concert is literally in 2 days are you still coming with me #and no response! again! so now i have 2 days to try and find someone else who can go last minute bc it seems unlikely that she will #and i’m just so fucking confused bc why do YOU keep reaching out to ME just to flake out at the last minute every single time #like at this point it feels like she’s doing it on purpose just to see if i’ll keep tolerating her bullshit #and part of me wants to just cut her off bc she’s been a terrible friend to me for months at this point #but i can’t bring myself to do it bc i miss her so much anyway and when our friendship was good it was really fucking good #like i considered this girl one of my best friends and now it feels like she’s just playing games with me bc she’s bored #which sucks extra bc last year she was there for me when literally none of my long time friends were #like it’s bad enough that it seems like our friendship was conditional on us being coworkers #but it hurts more and more every time she reappears in my life just to ghost me again like genuinely why would you do that #so i’m really upset and pissed off rn and i have no idea wtf to do about the concert bc idk anyone else who likes the artist enough to go #vent #lj.txt

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zemnarihah · 6 months

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my best friend has been very distant w me lately and i asked today if she wanted to hang out and she said she probably couldn't bc it's her brothers birthday but she would let me know if she could and i have her location and i just looked and she's at her boyfriends house rn....

#we have it bc we're roomates so we started sharing locations when we first moved in like in case someone doesn't come home at night or smth #she recently told me that she wants to move out bc she has always wanted to live alone and she can finally afford it. and i asked her #directly like is there an issue because she is so non confrontational so she has never ever mentioned me doing anything that bothers her #and i said please tell me if there's something wrong because it would really suck if there was and i never got a chance to fix it because #you never told me. and she said no it has nothing to do with that i really just feel like it's time for me to live on my own. and a couple #days ago she was like okay i'm next in line for my apartment i'll probably move out in april. and i try to get her to hang out still and #she always has something else going on and i swear every night this week she's been at her boyfriends.#and if i see her around our apartment and try to make conversation at all she's so like short about it and barely responds like will only #give one word answers. i feel like it kind of started when i started dating e but i realized that i was spending less time with her and i #didn't want to be the girl that loses all my friends bc of a boyfriend so i started specifically reaching out to hang out with her and she #says no most of the time and never asks me. like i don't know what else i can do.#i'm like maybe it's bc of her boyfriend? bc they've been on again off again for a long time and previously when they were together it was #really distant with her like i barely saw her EVER. and they were mostly broken up for the past couple years and have been together i think #for a while again... but she knows i don't approve of that relationship and so she would like not say when they were talking again. so maybe #since lately they've been hanging out or dating or WHATEVER she doesn't fucking tell me what's going on with him. maybe that's why.#i literally like try to think of ways it could be my fault and maybe i'm being crazy but i cannot even think to blame myself for more than a #fleeting second bc i'm like. i have ASKED HER directly if there is an issue or something i do that bothers her and she says no. so even if #i'm somehow pissing her off would i ever know to change anything?? i just feel so frustrated bc it's like she's an entirely different person #to me. like this is not the person i know. and i don't know what else i could possibly do like i feel like we need to sit down and have a #conversation about it but what good does that do if she just acts like nothing is wrong. but i don't want to lose my friend i have such a #hard time making friends. i've known her since i was 14 like i can't imagine my life without her. we were the only two in our whole friend #group in high school to get out of the church i still love those other girls but we have so little in common now.

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sysig · 10 months

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I'm almost finished with this notebook with it's horrible paper, and I just finished the first page of my Big Project

#Oh yeah - it's all coming together #Hgggg I am so sick of this notebook! It's wack as fuck!#It has made editing a Chore for the past eight months >:0 Not fun or meditative At All #Even worse is that the paper feels good to draw on but the cleanup is just! Awful!#I've just been completely ignoring my non-lined homemade notebook because it feels bad to draw on lol #The rest of the doodles for this year - yes that's how far the queue is backlogged rn lol - are still on that paper #But at least I'm like ><this close to being done with it ugh #I've got two blank pages and then like three half-doodled on pages that I'm planning to just knock out #It looks so weird 'cause the pages are all out of order lol - the first page was in March and the last in November #But like the next page after the first is /also/ November lol #Like it's largely in chronological order but it jumps around quite a lot! It was an interesting experiment #I also think it's funny since the first page got some fandom stuff that didn't come back around until now but it Looks chronological lol #I think I'll do it again but with some modifications - if I run out of steam/interest/motivation then I can fill it in however I want #Keeping it on-theme is fun but I find myself pushing ideas when I don't actually have any :P That's no good #It's not Always bad - I like quite a few of my spacefiller ideas! But if anything that just proves that finishing things out to make room-#Well like I said it was fun lol #And! As stated! I finished the first page of my big behind-the-scenes project! >:3c #Man I haven't worked on a comic proper-like in uhhhhh #It's gotta be at least five years lol geez #It's been a weird rhythm to try to fall into lol I'm Way out of practice - but it's nice to see it come together!#Lotta steps to get it into the shape I want - hard to sustain - but slowly and surely I've got this one :)#It'll be good to finally have it Out haha

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