#(and to be fair i do like some i'm healthily afraid of. like i love bears but if i saw a grizzly or polar bear coming for me)

[sage-nebula]

I can understand having a preference for one type of pet over another, for a wide variety of reasons (e.g. allergies, what goes in to taking care of them, your lifestyle, etc) but I'll never understand people who hate a certain type of pet. Like self-professed cat people who say they hate dogs, or vice versa. I've had dogs my entire life, and I consider myself a dog person, but I do like cats, too. Why wouldn't I? They're soft and cute and do funny things sometimes. Even when it comes to pets that I don't find as interesting, like fish, I don't hate them. And even ones I'm legitimately scared of, like tarantulas . . . again, I don't hate them, I'm just afraid of them, just like I'm afraid of all arachnids. It's an irrational fear, but it's one deeply ingrained in me nonetheless.

Anyway.

I just don't understand when people are like "I hate cats" or "I hate dogs" . . . how can you hate an entire species of animal? Being allergic or afraid, okay, I can understand that. Even if I don't understand being afraid because you've been attacked before (I have been severely bitten by dogs and severely scratched up by cats), I'm afraid of arachnids even though I can't remember the last time I had a spider bite, so you know, fears are fears, you can't control them. But hate? I just don't understand it, man. Hate an individual animal, sure. Just like humans, individual dogs or cats can have bad temperaments and behaviors. But a whole species? When most of the individual animals in those species are so easily befriended? It just makes no sense to me. Again, I get having a preference for one pet over another, especially if the needs of one animal suit your lifestyle while the needs of another don't. But to hate a whole species . . . I will never understand.

[banamine-bananime]

sometimes i pace around gremlin-like and think about grimmons and how the best things about them that make them such a thematically good pair are on a razor-thin border from being the worst things that could make them Super Not Good For Each Other because sometimes they get so up their own asses and are so mean to each other and know how to make it hurt.

Do you know what i mean??? do other people think about this as much as i do. anyways i'm not going to explain myself better than that incoherent run-on sentence because my thesis is this long-ass fanmix about them letting their demons win despite loving each other a lot and having to break up to ~*work on themselves*~.

this tracklist with notes is in order from them being kind-of-mostly-together but dealing with their own issues individually instead of together to looking like they're maybe growing and starting to deal healthily and going to work... but not enough to increasing frustration with the relationship to breaking up to starting to get over it. i declare that they figure their shit out on their own and get back together when they're in a healthier place but this playlist is just the angsty part. spotify link and my artistique creative vision below the cut.

Embarrassingly specific Grimmons breakup fanmix

Alien Blues - each @ the other, wanting Officially More Than Friendship but afraid to commit and fuck it up

Was it the best you ever had?/Was it the worst? You'd never know/I try to tell you what I think and play it off like it's a joke

Surface Pressure - Grif issues, flashback to teenhood edition

Pressure like a drip, drip, drip that'll never stop, whoa/Pressure that'll tip, tip, tip 'til you just go pop, whoa, oh, oh/Give it to your sister, it doesn't hurt, and/See if she can handle every family burden/Watch as she buckles and bends but never breaks, no mistakes/But wait, if I could shake the crushing weight of expectations/Would that free some room up for joy or relaxation, or simple pleasure?

Oldest - Grif issues

But I hid you in my room/When mom and dad were fighting/Back when we were young/Wouldn't let you hear too much/Yeah, I'm good at that stuff/Maybe growing up too fast/Was the only choice I had

When I Grow Up - Grif issues (fantasizing about getting away from home, and before being crushed into apathy and disillusionment that Actually Everywhere Sucks Just As Much by the military)

When I grow up/Just because you find that life's not fair/It doesn't mean that you just have to grin and bear it/If you always take it on the chin and wear it/Nothing will change

print(“i’m so tired”) - Grif issues

'Cause I'm so tired of being told that I can never want more/And I'm so tired of always fighting this mental war/When the cards are stacked against you, what can you really do?

this is how i learn to say no - Grif issues ("actually fuck everyone nothing matters and i can do what i want" realization era)

Fuck the apologies/Done being sorry for wanting the things that I want/I broke my back carrying baggage /For strangers who only ever did me wrong

I Wanna Be Software - Simmons issues

I wanna be, wanna be software/What will you find?/You can write me, you can design/You can make me however you like

Are You Satisfied - Simmons issues

My problem, it's my problem/That I never am happy/It's my problem, it's my problem/On how fast I will succeed/They say I'm a control freak/Driven by a greed to succeed

Grif issues

Cause it's my problem if I want to pack up and run away/It's my business if I feel the need to smoke and drink and sway/It's my problem, it's my problem if I feel the need to hide/And it's my problem if I have no friends and feel I want to die

Rät - Simmons issues (wanting validation from and consequent idealization of all the wrong dads places but eventually starting to say Fuck That)

I come from scientists and atheists and White men who kill God/They make technology high quality complex physiological/Experiments and sacrilege in the name of public good/They taught me everything/Just like a daddy should/And you were beautiful and vulnerable/And power and success/God damn I fell for you your flamethrowers/Your tunnels and your tech/I studied code because I wanted/To do something great like you/And the real tragedy is half of it was true

The Other Side of Paradise - Grif @ Simmons

I wish you could see the wicked truth/Caught up in a rush, it's killing you/Screaming at the sun, you blow into/Curled up in a grip when we were us/Fingers in a fist like you might run

this is how i learn to say no - Simmons (starting to deal with) issues (and grow a backbone)

Was it more appeasing when I was just pleasing?/This is how I learn to say no/Take your pretty words and go choke 

Cigarette Ahegao - Grif @ Simmons, semi-healthy attempt at dealing with issues and growth by talking about getting The Fuck Out of Here together

Someday, I'll leave the country/I hope to have you with me/Get wrecked on becherovka/Get fucked on smoke and wine/Someday, I'll have my own life/I'll leave this all behind

I Can’t Handle Change - their issues (shared by all of BGC tbh) getting in the way

Hangin' out where I don't belong is nothing new to me/I get tired, and I get sick, and then I lose the strength to leave/I can't handle change/I can't handle change

brutal - Simmons letting his issues get in the way

I'm so insecure, I think/That I'll die before I drink/And I'm so caught up in the news/Of who likes me, and who hates you

i need to be alone. - Grif letting his issues get in the way

I'm waiting for something to change/'Cause everyday just feels the same/It's getting harder to exist/I don't want to feel like this/I'm wasting my life on pointless things/I sometimes think/When does life begin

The Giver - each being a terrible boyfriend

He turns around when you're naked/Says "We should be friends" while you're changing/You nod, half-dressed, he says "It's for the best"

Problems - each @ the other while togetherish

Wonder why, when we both got problems/Why won't you help me solve them?/I love you, but you don't and this is how I cope

Daddy Issues - each @ the other for mistreating them instead of dealing with their own issues but 98% Grif @ Simmons because:

If you don't sort your daddy issues/I will up and leave you/And no one else will want you 

Between My Teeth - each @ the other pre-breakup

I’m too broken to fix you too/I admit it, I admit it/Oh! Please don’t lean on me/Cause I don’t want your heart between my teeth/I, I think I gotta leave

Sick of You - each @ the other during pre-breakup

I wish I never ever met you/Five years of mistakes I'll never undo/I'm not your medicine or your tool/Don't expect me to ever fix you, you, you, you/Every little thing always seems to be about you/Exercise your criticism then get mad when I'm through/You think your traumas don't affect a single person around you/I'm not your therapist or boyfriend, try and get the two confused

Miss You - each @ the other during breakup

I don't ever wanna see you/And I never wanna miss you again/One thing/When you're angry, you're a jerk/And then you treat me like I'm worth nothin

Oh No! - Simmons issues (and attempting to coach himself through the breakup with affirmations that he don’t need no friends)

I'm gonna live, I'm gonna fly/I'm gonna fail, I'm gonna die/I'm gonna live, I'm gonna fly/I'm gonna fail, gonna die, die, die, die

You’re So Vain - each @ the other, immediate post-breakup bitterness

You're so vain (you're so vain)/I bet you think this song is about you/Don't you don't you?

I Blocked Your Number - each @ the other trying to get over breakup and anger

Stop likin me on instagram/Stop textin me at 6 a.m./I blocked your number bitch

Hi, It’s Me - each @ themselves trying to get over breakup

When I'm with you I have amnesia, I'm weaker than before/My stupid brain thinks that I need you, I'm eager to hurt more

Feel Better - Grif’s post-breakup sads

Cause someone loved me, someone fuckin' loved me/All my filthy life I loved someone I barely knew/Goddamn it, I was worth something, I fuckin' learned something/And it felt better in my mouth than fresh warm food/I don't wanna feel better/No one's ever gonna love me like that again/I don't wanna get over you/I wanna sit with you in bed/I don't wanna feel better

Here - each, post-breakup sads

But honestly I'd rather be/Somewhere with my people we can kick it and just listen/To some music with the message (like we usually do)/And we'll discuss our big dreams/How we plan to take over the planet/Oh God, why am I here?

Hurt - each @ the other, post-breakup sads

I'm sorry if I hurt you/I'm sorry if it got that bad/I'm sorry I can't help you/Somebody should've had your back

Sweet Hibiscus Tea - each, post-breakup sads and Blood Gulch blues

You're already halfway out the door/And I've never looked so old/And I have never been so cold/And it is 85 degrees/I don't know what I need/There's lukewarm herbal mango sweet hibiscus tea/On the hot garbage pile in which I fucking sleep/The walls are empty it's so ugly I could/Burn the whole place down

Passive Aggressive - post-breakup bitterness

It took a week or two getting over you/But I love myself too much/To waste good years on bad love (waste good years on bad love)

Reflections - each @ the other, wishing the relationship had worked

I know you're sick/Hoping you fix whatever's broken/Ignorant bliss/And a few sips might be the potion/I tried to put it out for you to get/Could've, should've but you never did/Wish you wanted it a little bit/More but it's a chore for you to give

[septembersghost]

I was trying to tell a friend once about how I can handle scary films but not true crime and they got judgy to me about it, but it's a sensitive topic to me and hard to explain the difference

your friend shouldn't have been judgmental to you about what you find upsetting or your own boundaries, i'm sorry they reacted unkindly like that. there's nothing wrong with not being able to handle certain topics/media and asserting your limits is actually a good and healthily protective thing!

so, from my experience, a difficulty i have is the difference in suspension of disbelief. when we're watching a scary movie, there's always an awareness that it's fiction - and this has even been studied, that being afraid within complete safety, where you can switch it off, turn the lights on, have the knowledge that it's not real, can be healthy in working through fear. and i'm still pretty careful with what i can and can't handle because i am SO sensitive and prone to anxiety/intrusive thoughts/nightmares. i was a very sheltered/innocent, soft-hearted/emotional child, and to this day as a spinster lady a lot of that holds true because it's my natural disposition. that said, i also leaned into eerie aesthetics and spookiness (also see: previously discussed odd happenings we experienced irl) and gothic romanticism and classical horror novels/film (which isn't quite the same as more graphic modern horror), and continue to enjoy that. as is evident here at spooky season!

i was exposed to a lot of horror when i was a teen because my ex-best friend was obsessed (the two of us watched countless horror movies and musicals lmao that tells you a lot), so it upped my threshold for a while, but it's shifted back down to cautious sensitivity over the years. (which i realize sounds counterintuitive due to a bunch of my favorite shows that i post on here having horror genre roots lol, let's not unpack that. movies tend to affect me differently because it can be a lot of intensely upsetting content packed into a short time, whereas with a show you build a sense of familiarity/connectivity/comfort because you get to know the characters so well, which for me, makes it more about them and their stories than it does the sense of fear.) i especially struggle to handle media with any animal ab*se or tort*re p*rn or most s/a, and that's my responsibility to gauge.

anyway, when i'm watching, say, a slasher film, i know that's not real, and every actor was fine and went home safely. when i'm watching vampires, i know they're not real (and i was terrified of them when i was little! ghosts and i were mostly cool, vampires were the proverbial monster in my closet, my initial interest in them was a facet of trying to conquer that fear). or when i'm watching, to call myself out on something i've written/thought a lot about/been invested in, dexter, there's an element of fantasy. dex is a serial killer, but also an antihero and essentially a vigilante, taking out far worse people. there's a vicarious sense of satisfaction in that, because psychologically some part of us wishes we could stop bad people from doing bad things. (and of course the tragedy from his trauma and his actions becomes inability to keep his loved ones safe from that darkness and violence bleeding into his life.) i've certainly seen my fair share of crime procedurals too (bones! castle when it was good! and so on), and i've read mysteries my whole life, starting with nancy drew and sherlock holmes, then agatha christie, etc, and grew up watching mysteries with my mom too (adaptations of all the aforementioned. the thin man and assorted film noir and hitchcock. remington steele, my formative beloved!). there are also, notably, solutions in fiction - mysteries are solved, spirits are exorcised, monsters are stopped, masks are removed, the sun comes out again (most of the time). we accept final girls as victorious survivors. we know what the themes and symbolisms are, we expect some sense of catharsis.

but with true crime...it's a lot more complicated. my suspension of disbelief evaporates because i know, while the actors may be okay, the very real living beings involved are not. it always leaves me with this scratchy feeling of that darkness, like residue that clings. (and it's not like i never watch it - i watched candy earlier this year, because the case is almost bewildering and i wanted to see how they handled it, and i like several of the actors; i watched like half of under the banner of heaven, which was very unsettling. i don't tend to do the real serial killer thing because it's typically too gruesome and inhumane for me. fiction has been the only place i can stand that topic being tackled.) obviously, that's going to be different for every person, and like i said previously, it's very complex in handling those stories with respect and appropriate care for victims and not sensationalism of the perpetrator or exploitation of events. when something is done in a way that feels wrong or damaging, we're certainly allowed to acknowledge and push back against that. it gets really tricky and difficult, that line of freedom in art not crossing into traumatization, and i don't know what the solution for that is, if there even is one. ultimately all we can do is make the choices that feel right for us as far as choosing to engage or not, knowing what will be detrimental to our mental health, and keeping the realities in mind when necessary. it IS a sensitive topic, and you are always allowed to say no, to avoid things, and to put yourself first.

[gardenngnome]

Hey I'm here to participate in the mini reading

Thanks

Helloo, so let's start!

Here we have a gemini ascendant ruled by a mercury in libra in the 5th house. Mercury is a wildcard, it's not benefic or malefic, but its nature depends on its placement and how other planets are affecting it. it's a planet that represents the mind, how we think, how we communicate, etc. Being in the sign of libra, a venusian air sign it's amplifying the qualities of your already social gemini rising. you might be a very social person yourself, very diplomatic and graceful, very careful in the way you communicate and express your ideas, because of a need to be fair and maintain harmony.

These quality of yours are reaffirmed by a debilitated sun in libra. Sun represents our identity and spirit, it wants to be seen and take the lead. It's in domicile in leo and exalts in aries, a bold martian sign which is often not afraid to show what they stand for, even if they cause conflicts along the way (your moon is placed in this sign, though), this is exactly what libra struggles with. Libra, because of its venusian influence, wants to cooperate, to mediate, to relate, so the Sun has a difficult time showing themselves and doing what it's supposed to, and instead create that identity through politeness and relating, and in extreme cases, through passitivty and being social pleasers. The 3rd house is being ruled by that debilitated sun so it's possible that your siblings (if you have) fit those characteristics too. 

Both that mercury (you/your chart ruler) and that sun are placed in the 5th house, the house of art, entertainment, kids, romance, and just any kind of pleasurable activity. This often shows a very artistically inclined person, you could be very good at poetry, lyricism anything that involve communication (mercury) in a way that is pleasant and beautiful, you could be very good at singing too! you might also tend to date a lot? Since that mercury is your chart ruler, these 5th house topics will have a lot of importance through your life.  

Your 1st and 4th house are also linked by rulership of that mercury, indicating similarities with your family and your father, specifically. You both possibly share many of these characteristics and artistic inclinations.

Despite all these qualities mentioned before, related to social graces and pleasantries, applying to you, you are definitely a person of quite intense emotions! These libra placements are ruled by a venus in scorpio, a debilitated venus. Like I said in another reading, debilitated venuses don't mean being doomed, but they can present quite a bit of a struggle. Scorpio is a water sign ruled by the planet of war, it's intense, brooding, possessive, distrustful and secretive in a planet that deals with topics that demand the opposite, so it's often the case with people with this placement that they might encounter issues with jealousy, secrets, trust issues, etc. that could prevent them from loving people healthily. Because of that scorpionic influence you could also have a liking for a dark, deep, intense type of aesthetic, perhaps the art you create involve these characteristics. Deep, taboo, sexual even, non-conventional (this is a bit random, but I think jimin from bts(??) has a very similar configuration in his chart involving libra and scorpio and the 5th house. His performances tend to have a very defined sensual/sexual aspect and most of his songs depict angsty, turbulent and intense romances).

This venus is ruling your 5th and 12th houses and placed in the 6th house, which could indicate love relationships that could affect your health in some way, bringing stress, wearing you down, so pay attention to that, if it applies to you!

Continuing in the line of intense emotions, you also have an aries moon! both placements that talk about feelings (venus and moon) are in Martian signs! Aries moons are impulsive, agitated, energetic, volatile, brave, rash, etc. it's in the 11th house of society, allies and friendships, so it's partly influencing them too, your friends could be described as such and they could also have a strong emotional influence on you. They could also be people with a strong, often forceful, justice-seeking, idealistic and self-sacrificing nature with that Mars in pisces ruling the moon. They could have a liking for water activities like surfing or swimming, perhaps?

This moon is opposing your libra placements in the 5th house, indicating possible conflicts between these topics, it could be conflicts with your friends and yourself or your romantic life, conflicts between society and your personal interests, also internal conflicts caused by these polarizing and very characteristic energies in your chart, libra is influencing you and your mind, but aries is also influencing your mind and emotions, so internally you could feel like your are being pulled in different directions.

Your venus and moon are being ruled by that emotional, intuitive and idealistic Mars in pisces too bringing 11th house and 6th house matters to your 10th house. Mars being the planet of action, impulse, courage and pisces being an emotional water sign that talks about altruism, faith, idealism could talk about someone being motivated by those characteristic, you might also pursue careers that might demand these qualities in your daily life.

Your 7th house of partnerships and your 10th house of career are linked by rulership, so your long-term partners could have something to do with your career. The ruler is a jupiter in virgo, a mercurial sign, indicating debilitation (there's another reading I did where I explained a little how that debilitation manifests). It's a jupiter which tends to skepticism rather than faith, that doesn't believe in luck but in hard work and diligence, and for which the abundance of jupiter is pursued through those means. There could be multiple interpretations with this placement (well, with any lol), so I'd give some options:

It's in your 4th house of family so you might come from a non-religious family, these people could be quite intelligent but skeptical and critical at times, very inclined to rigid routines. In some charts the 10th house also represents the mother, so she could take on these virgo qualities too.

It could also signify your family influencing these long-term partnerships in some way, or you approaching 7th house/10 house matters with an excessive amount of logic and even pessimism that could get in the way. it could mean that you are simply someone who might not believe/be interested in marriage, I do feel because of your very active 5th house you are not someone averse to romance and dating, so it could be difficulty grounding relationships long-term maybe.

This planet is also representing the type of people you might end up in those long-term relationships with by ruling the 7th house. It could signify someone who might have not been very privileged in life, but it's very smart and knowledgeable, skeptical, diligent, with a strong servicing nature who works hard for their own success, someone who could be a teacher, someone who might work with numbers, someone who might work analyzing data, someone who might work with their family (4th house influence). (this could also apply to you mother by ruling your 10th house)

You are definitely someone who does need a great deal of mental engagement from the people you chose to date or be in relationships with, both virgo and libra share a mental/communicative quality.

Saturn was transiting your 9th house of religious beliefs, foreign lands, travel, higher education the last two years. it's in the sign of aquarius, which makes me believe that you are, indeed, someone who is not really inclined to religion, you might have a more intellectual approach to these things. you might have experienced changes and transformations regarding these topics because of the transit.

It's ruled by your natal debilitated saturn in cancer, a sign that belongs to the moon. saturn is in detriment because it's a harsh, cold and dry planet, while the moon is cold and moist, saturn talks about duties, restriction, responsibilities, solitude, loneliness, hardships. The moon is associated with emotions, our physical bodies, comfort, nurturing both others and ourselves, so the planet and sign stand for different things and saturn can't function the way it should. A saturn in cancer could indicate feeling burdened by responsabilities regarding family, could indicate feeling restricted because of excessive smothering, someone very sensitive specially when it comes to their roots and past.

Saturn always show some level of delay and hardships in the houses it rules and it's placed in, both your 8th and 9th house are ruled by it, and depositing to your 2th house (finances, the native's livelihood), that coupled with your debilitated jupiter in the 4th house, makes me think you might come from a hardworking family that might struggle/have struggled financially, could have experienced monetary or even family members' losses, especially in the last few years (Mars currently transiting your 2th house now could bring out financial issues too, so that might be something you'd need to be careful in the next few months), and that could have created some struggles regarding your education or your personal beliefs.

There was also Mars in gemini transiting your ascendant the previous months, which might have brought sudden changes to your apparence (1st house) or your romantic life/hobbies (5th house).

So that's most of what I can see!! Please let me know if any of it resonated or not haha this was probably one of the most difficult, because you have a very characteristic libra influence, but there's also many other planets distributed through the chart with different dispositors in opposite/conflicting signs. like.. trying to read charts with no context is already difficult, but this one was 2x lol hope it was helpful anyway! and thank you so much for participating!