#(definitely not a ploy to get free cat pictures)

[jupio]

Fred's loaf has been deemed acceptable

(10 minute sketch last night)

[dragimal]

Longform Audio Creepypasta Recs

hey TMA fandom! as a new TMA listener but looooongtime creepypasta fan, I find it rly cool that ppl who aren’t into horror are getting into TMA! I’m hoping this will help bring fresh blood (hah) to the horror fandom, so if you’ve realized that you rather like audio horror but don’t know what else to look into, I’m here to recommend my favorite longform creepypasta narrations! 

this is far from an exhaustive list of long creepypastas, but I just want to introduce some of the stories I consider to be the best of the genre. and while I’m just reccing longform in this post, there are plenty of short one-shots I could rec if anyone wants to ask me abt a specific theme/Entity or even a specific ep of TMA (there are several MAG eps that brought me straight back to a specific creepypasta or two, lmao)

also, I’ll just be linking to MrCreepyPasta’s narrations b/c I’m heavily biased so I mostly listen to him, but there are plenty of other great narrators out there like CreepsMcPasta, CreepypastaJr, etc. (most of their names are variations on a theme asdfgh). and if u just want the text version of any of these, every video I link has a link in its own description back to the original text posting of the story

THAT outta the way, here are my recs! I’ll try to remember all the trigger warnings I can, but keep in mind I tend to be p hardy to most horror content, so there may be some things that slip past simply b/c they don’t register to me. also it’s been a minute since I’ve listened to some of these, so some have updated or I may have just forgotten some aspects. I’ll also update this if ppl find it useful and I find more good long pastas~

Penpal (2.5 hrs, complete)

op recounts some of their odd experiences as a child, all of which stem from an elementary school project involving a pen pal. as he recalls these experiences, a horrifying picture of his past begins to emerge...

easily my favorite pasta of all time-- and that’s saying something, considering there are some damn good recs here. it’s one of the first I read so long ago, and few have come close to what this one made me feel. op does an incredible job of capturing the nostalgia and childhood wanderlust of youth, and the last few lines of each chunk of the story hit like a goddamned truck-- esp "Friends”, I cry like a baby every time, it just.... hits something tender in me...

TW: stalking of children, subsequent kidnapping and child abuse at the end (and while it’s not necessarily *confirmed*, heavy implications of child sexual abuse, for that last bit). implied cat death. some graphic description of the victim of a hit-and-run

Search and Rescue Woods (~5 hrs, ongoing?)

op recalls several of the strange and disturbing experiences (their own and quoted from coworkers) of working search-and-rescue for an unnamed national forest in the US

y’know that feeling u get when u see photos lawn chairs just sitting at the bottom of the ocean? even if there’s a perfectly good explanation for why they’re there, it’s still haunting b/c it feels wrong to see them there, in that context? that’s basically this entire assortment of stories-- the obvious example being the stairs, of course, but even a lot of the human elements feel so out of place and wrong. if you’re a fan of Spiral-type horror w/ a hard edge of Stranger, this is the story for u

TW: generally clinical but graphic descriptions of mutilated bodies. use of the r-slur against an nd individual (it’s during a story that the main character is quoting from a different one-off character, so it thankfully only happens the one time..). child death, in certain stories. some wild animal death

Borrasca (2.5 hrs, complete)

Sam moves to a small mountain town with his family after his father’s job relocates them. he hears some spooky legends about the town, but doesn’t think much of them... that is, until his sister disappears. as Sam and his friends dig deeper into the town’s history to find any clues to his sister’s disappearance, they begin to realize there’s something deeply deeply wrong with their quaint little home

I’ve always loved horror that’s ‘mundane’ enough to be done by regular humans, but vague enough that it could actually be supernatural, under the right circumstances-- and this is one of those mysteries that keeps u guessing until the VERY end. my mind felt like that Pepe Silvia corkboard meme the first time I listened to this, I was losin’ it. this is also prolly one of my favorite examples of MCP’s talent as a narrator, b/c he adds in his own subtle foreshadowing with his voicework, and it blows my mind every time I listen to it again

also worth mentioning there’s a (3.5 hr) sequel! since the horror/mystery is basically done after the first one, the sequel is mostly suspense/thriller and character closure. if ur just here for the horror/mystery and the gut-punch of that first ending, then the sequel isn’t necessary. but if you want more closure for our dear sweet cast who deserve so much better, then by all means!

TW: the ending involves heavy sexual abuse (involving underage girls, no less), part of which is graphic. like I know I joke abt having to take breaks after reading emotionally exhausting stories, but I genuinely had to take a couple days of recovery after this one-- and that’s from someone who’s p hardy to all kinds of graphic content. do NOT take this warning lightly if this is a sensitive topic for you

Tales From the Gas Station (10 hrs for free, otherwise ongoing)

Jack works at a gas station at the edge of a middle-of-nowhere town. Strange things happen at the gas station-- bipedal deer stopping by for a drink, dark gods leaving vague messages, fingers growing from the ground out back, sudden lawn gnome appearances-- All just a part of the daily grind, right?

so if I wanna be totally fair, this is more a rec for Night Vale fans than anything (tho the TMA/WTNV overlap seems to be p significant). the comedic, nonchalant tone taken towards everything supernatural and horrific is p much 1:1 WTNV. I’ve genuinely cried laughing at some of the fuckshit that happens, esp anything involving Jerry. not to say that GST doesn’t have its heavy-horror moments, but the frequency is more comparable to Night Vale’s approach-- dark comedy definitely takes center stage, here. tho this also varies by the POV-- the “Finding Vanessa” arcs are told from the perspective of a more serious character, so the heavy parts are far more frequent and hit a lot harder

as for the time estimate, here’s where it gets a littleee bit complicated. the first version was put out for free, and read for free by MCP (among a few other narrators). this came out in several different parts, and the one video I linked above has compiled *most* of volume 1, but not the Halloween story, featured here. HOWEVER, the author has taken a second go at v1 and beyond, which is currently ongoing and available to buy as books or audiobooks ALSO narrated by MCP!

as for deciding which version to listen to, I’ll just try to describe the differences here. the first version was written entirely via Jack’s online forum posts, which were subject to more direct reader interaction and Jack’s scatterbrain. thus, the first version leaves a LOT more details up to reader interpretation/theorizing, straight up doesn’t have or explain certain plot arcs yet, and is very disorganized in terms of timeline all due to Jack’s canon memory issues. this all, personally, made it v fun and silly to follow, but I’m aware that’s not for everyone. the second version is written from a more standard first person narrative from Jack’s perspective. while Jack’s memory issues still make him an unreliable narrator (often *upsettingly* so in this version), the actual narrative is far more organized, complete, and easy to follow. the fun thing is that the first version can still be considered canon material to the second version, as Jack references making those very forum posts within the second version narrative. so, personally, I consider the second version to be the core cohesive story, while the first version is supplemental, fun material that provides more context for a few of the strange bits that happen in the story (like Jack’s ‘secret admirer’ makes more sense if u’ve listened to the first version). either way, the second version is the only way the story is going to continue (as far as I’m aware), so if you’re ONLY going to listen to one version of the story, listen to the second version

TW: for the first version, there are some uncomfortable jokes/implications at certain points-- associating villains/assholes with fatness and/or personality disorders is unfortunately a running theme, and a few off-color jokes are made abt some of Jack’s conditions (general mental health and his brief use of crutches). there’s also a point at which it’s implied that a specific one-off arc is a ploy to rape Jack, tho nothing actually comes of it beyond awkward scheming (but just in case, that story is specifically “Death at the Gas Station” at the very end of that long compilation, if u wanna skip it). for the second version, I believe the author was made aware of these issues and either straight-up removed or fixed most of them in some way. there’s just one point where an intentionally-questionable character uses the g*psy slur, and a few points where a regular commenter on Jack’s forum posts has w*ndigo in their username

in terms of gore for either one, uhhh maybe some descriptions of injuries? body horror? this one’s a lot harder to call for me, b/c the comedy softens the blow on a lot of the horror

Accounts From a Lonely Broadcast Station (5 hrs, ongoing)

Evelyn is the new voice of a small mountain town’s local radio station. her job is to take calls, play music (ALWAYS play the music), and broadcast emergency warnings whenever the fog rolls in from the surrounding forest. pretty standard stuff. she tries to make the most of it-- if only that damn crow with human eyes would stop watching her...

this one’s similar to Gas Station Tales with its heavy reliance on dark humor, but it takes itself a bit more seriously, with a more even split b/t genuine horror and comedy. also MCP brings in wonderful extra voice talent w/ this one, I RLY love Evelyn's va ;w;

TW: graphic descriptions of mutilation and body horror

My Friend Has Been Living in an Alternate Reality (4 hrs, complete)

op’s eccentric friend, Clint, turns up on op’s doorstep unannounced after several years missing. Clint vanishes again just as abruptly, leaving op with a journal detailing a horrifying, dangerous journey that’s almost too bizarre to believe, yet...

so this one’s more like an action/thriller with horror garnish, tbh-- very exciting and suspenseful! I love the weird, apocalyptic world Clint describes in his journals, and the societies that have cropped up around these hostile circumstances

TW: graphic descriptions of mutilation/injury

My Name is Lily Madwhip (~8 hrs, ongoing)

Lily Madwhip sees things before they happen. they’re usually horrible things like deaths and injuries that she wishes she could prevent but often can’t. at least her best friend-- an angel possessing one of Lily’s dolls-- is around to provide advice

this one’s from the perspective of a little girl, and it leans into dark humor enough to soften at least some of the more traumatic moments. Lily’s young enough that she’s somewhat removed from the full gravity of the deaths around her, but the fact that it’s happening so frequently at all seems to be warping her perspective towards death to be more... casual? is that the right word? it’s just a rly interesting perspective to see for horror. also we’ve got another rly great guest va here for Lily~

TW: brief descriptions of injury, but they’re not graphic. frequent animal death.

The Showers (2.75 hrs, complete)

op recounts a scary story he heard from a teacher back in high school about a vague location and a terrifying encounter. he later ventures to find this location to see the truth for himself, but is it worth it?

this one’s a classic-- I think it was of the first creepypasta I listened to? not this version, but I wouldn’t be able to tell u which narrator it was at the time. I won’t say that this one’s the most unique story out there, but something abt it has always stuck with me?.... idk, I think the premise rly hooks me

TW: oh god it’s been a while, but I don’t remember anything particularly triggering? maybe body horror?

[tssw]

Jolyne’s IN DEPTH character notes.

HER NAME:

Though she goes by Jolyne “Jolie” Clover Rabenz, her full name is: Jolyne Annaya Clover Rabenz.  

Jolyne means “Beautiful”Annaya means gracious and caring guardian. Clover means “Luck” and also represents hope, luck, faith and love. Rabenz is a fictional name, and its definition is “Ever/always changing”

Jolyne is a guardian and protector of others. She is compassionate and caring. She is beautiful beneath all of her harsh nature and qualities. She is lucky, a bringer of hope. People who rely on her can have faith in her to succeed and fight for them whenever they need her most. And she loves those who love her for who she is beneath, those who can see her inner beauty. And finally, she is a character who is constantly in a state of flux and change. Whether it be for the better of for the worst.

TAROT:

Jolyne during the course of “Sensational” is best represented by the tarot card “The Moon”

Upright Moon: Illusion, fear, anxiety, insecurity, subconscious

The Moon is the card of intuition, dreams and the unconscious. The Moon provides light as a reflection of the Sun, yet this light is dim, uncertain, and only vaguely illuminates our path as we journey toward higher consciousness. The pool at the base of the card represents the subconscious mind and the crayfish that crawls out of the pool symbolises the early stages of consciousness unfolding. This creature also represents the often disturbing images that appear from our inner depths, just as the dog and wolf at the beginning of the path represent the tamed and the wild aspects of our minds. The path leads between two towers into the mountains in the distance, showing the way to the unconsciousness. The astrological sign associated with this card is Pisces – psychic, receptive and mysterious.

The Moon is a psychological card of projecting fear into your present and your future, based on past experiences. The images, thoughts and feelings that you have repressed over time cause inner disturbances that are becoming overwhelming. As a result, you are now experiencing negative blocks within your personality, causing fear and anxiety. To remedy this, you need to go through a purging process whereby deep memories are released. This is a time when you need to go deep into your soul and dredge up your anxieties, fears, psychic blocks and personality disturbances. Many invisible things are coming to the surface including secret motives, clandestine information and ancient hidden truths. These newly discovered resources may confuse you but once they are brought to your awareness, they will no longer haunt you.

The Moon is a card of illusion and deception, and therefore often suggests a time when something is not as it appears to be. Vigilance and clear perception will be necessary to find that which is hidden before it is too late. If other cards in the reading are negative, then the Moon shows that not all is as wonderful as you would think and there are still hidden forces at play that may unravel your success. You may be idealising the situation, and ignoring the fact that potential for failure exists among success. If the other cards are generally positive, then the Moon suggests that you are letting your imagination run away with you, and that things are not nearly as bad as they seem. In both cases you must open your eyes and see what it really going on. Guard against accepting illusions as they may cause an error in your judgement.

Oftentimes, the Moon appears in a reading when you are not sure of your destination, or even of the path you are travelling but you travel nonetheless. You may have lost your way and are now left to walk in the dark, guided only by your inner light and intuition. You need to go on without a clear picture of where you are, where you are going or where you have been. The Moon is a card of intuition and psychic forces, so let go of your conscious mental blocks or negative self-talk, and allow your intuition to guide you. Your dreams, intuitions, and inner promptings lead you forward toward higher levels of understanding if you listen carefully and use your judgement to help interpret the veiled messages of the unconscious. Not only will the way forward be revealed but in many cases you will learn lessons about yourself that will be valuable in later journeys.

Reversed Moon: Release of fear, unhappiness, confusion.

The Moon reversed indicates that you have recently experienced a time of self-deception, illusion, fears and anxiety but these negative energies are beginning to subside. You may have also been dealing with some deeper emotional issues that have previously been sitting beneath the surface. While this has created some discomfort and turmoil as you deal with these deeper issues, you are starting to feel as if a weight has been lifted and that you can be less fearful and anxious about your life situation. You are beginning to work through your inner fears and anxieties, understanding the impact that these have on your life and how you can eventually free yourself from these limiting beliefs. This can be a wonderfully liberating and transformational experience.

A reversed Moon may indicate a fundamental unhappiness with your present situation but also confusion over what else you could do and what you really want to do. It may be that you believe that what you really want to do with your life is impractical or unrealistic, or your past experiences in life have convinced you that you are stuck with what you have and it is too late to change now. These emotional issues are preventing you from moving forward. To overcome this, it is essential to confront your innermost fears and assumptions to gain self-confidence and direction. You need to believe in yourself and know that it is possible to create balance in your life. You may also find that your dreams provide you with important clues as to what direction you need to take. Pay attention to the subtle, subconscious messages that come to you in this way.

The Moon reversed can highlight that you are in a more psychic and intuitive phase than usual, however the feelings that you are getting may be confusing and easily misinterpreted. It may be that when you draw Tarot cards for yourself and come up with one interpretation, you then draw them again, only to see something completely different! Nonetheless, do not ignore the messages you are getting. Take note of them and perhaps come back to them later when you are feeling clearer about your situation.

PERSONALITY:

Jolyne is a character that seems bad on the outside, but is truly good on the inside. She is viewed as dangerous girl and a menace to society by everyone who knows of her family and her reputation. She’s a beautiful soul that has been corrupted by unfortunate events in her life, that lead to her brilliance being obscured by a thick outer shell of self righteous coldness towards others.

Being viewed as such by the people around her made Jolyne develop very negative traits. She stopped caring about people’s expectations of her and started to become the delinquent that people viewed her as. She stopped restricting herself. She started to give into her own inner desires and urges, because this terrible reputation that she developed made her feel free. She didn’t have to worry about how other people saw her due to the fact that she simply stopped caring. 

Jolyne became a very greedy person. She is a girl who absolutely adores money. She loves purchasing things for herself, she likes buying fashionable new clothes, new drawing tools and supplies, video games, comic books etc. She adores the idea of living a life of luxury and comfort. This is because one of her highest concerns are in regard to her own personal interest. She doesn’t really bother herself when it comes to worrying about other people and whatever they’re going through unless it’s one of the few people close to her. 

Jolyne is a loner who compares her way of living and interactions with others to that of a cat. To her, cats are badass loners that mind their own business, stick in high up  and isolated places, and scratch at anyone who decides to come along and ruin her peaceful and quiet existence. In this regard, Jolyne is very similar to her mother.

Jolyne is loyal. 

Despite her greed and nonchalant lifestyle of worrying mostly about herself and her own interests, there are many situations in which she thinks first and foremost about others rather than herself. For example, when someone else is in danger of being hurt. She is a girl who despises suffering in any way shape or form, but only if it is the pain of others that comes into play. Jolyne would never think twice about getting herself hurt or killed for the sake of someone else, even if it is someone that she doesn’t even know.

Jolyne hides her pain behind a smile and a couple of reassuring words. She’s a part of Cecilia too. There’s a 6 foot pile of crap between herself and her emotions. She is a part of this city that she protects. She represents the golden heart of the Rabenz, and the golden hearts in Cecilia.

He is able to carefully look past his feelings and see the real situation at hand, which has been demonstrated on more than one occasion. He is extremely perceptive, able to quickly recognize the patterns and mistakes that his opponents make, which gives him an edge. In battle, while his preference is to concoct strategies based on deduction of his opponents' fighting abilities and style, his natural battle instincts are also highly tuned. He is capable of slashing another person's head off in just an instant, relying only on impulse. However, his care for his friends and family are the backbone of his fighting drive, as he would sacrifice just about anything to protect them and thus making him a reliable teammate despite his cunning front. Kurama has a very kind heart, and several villains in the series will use this ploy against him in order to beat him.

In the face of adversity, Kurama has the uncommon ability to shun all emotions and shine a blank slate, thinking three to four steps ahead to clutch the pinch and seize control of the situation. Coupled with his vast intelligence, his detached emotional state is perhaps his greatest asset.

Despite his physical appearance, Kurama has very high durability, shown in almost all of his matches. Because of his analyzation lenience, he is always the most injured in his fights, but manages to pull a trick out of his hat to decide the match.

He's short-tempered, impulsive, merciless and likes to intimidate those who are afraid of him. Underneath his bold, cocky attitude, he has a joking and kind nature. Yusuke has also had the bad luck of having to deal with so many cruel and despicable people at such a young age. Iwamoto being among them.One of his most notable traits is his desire to fight, which becomes more noticeable as the series progresses. Yusuke has been noted on many occasions to be rather unintelligent, and, at times, just plain stupid. However, as his teacher Genkai later notes, he "can be a genius at fighting". Yusuke's desire to fight is more out of enjoyment of a good brawl, and surprisingly Yusuke doesn't like killing if he can avoid it.Even though Yusuke is feared by most students and severely disliked by almost all of the teachers, he is generally misunderstood. Keiko Yukimura, one of his childhood friends (and later love interest), is one of the very few who knows Yusuke is actually very kind, and she sympathizes with his problems in life. Yusuke also becomes very protective of his friends, especially.

Jotaro is introduced as a rough delinquent, but he has a gentle heart, and is loyal to those he likes. He is highly perceptive, intelligent and quick-witted while keeping a perpetually cool, slightly neutral or disinterested attitude.

Jotaro is both fierce and gentle, showing these traits in various scenes.

Jotaro hates people who hurt women or children in a fight, even if they are evil, and will be especially violent toward them; one example of this is his beating of Steely Dan. Jotaro is still prone to violence, and doesn't hesitate from severely hurting his enemies, even if they are women.

Moreover, Jotaro is blunt and foul-mouthed, having no problem being insolent toward his mother or any authority figure. The teenager favors witty one-liners, often ridiculing whoever is the target of his quips and offering absurd reasons for his feats, notably defeating DIO because he pissed him off. Whether Jotaro does take himself seriously or is just having fun when using his one-liners is left unanswered.

Jolyne retains her confrontational attitude throughout the story. A former delinquent living in a maximum security prison, Jolyne had to toughen up and can be especially rude. Her rare interactions with villains are either surly taunts or death threats, knowing how despicable most of them are. She also advocates aggressively asserting herself, especially in the prison, and once told F.F. to violently confront an inmate who cut in the queue for buying their lunch.

Jolyne possesses a fierce determination, carrying her through several battles and inspiring her companions. After learning of DIO's plan, Jolyne took pride in her lineage and opted to continue Jotaro's effort to seal the menace DIO left behind him. Jolyne stoically endures the hardships she faces and carry on her goal, disregarding the suffering and possible risks. Her determination is so great that she was willing to lose a limb or even her life to defeat her enemy and save her comrades, 

Common in her lineage, Jolyne has honorable morals and treasures her family and friends. She would selflessly do everything in her power to help her companions and random victimized people

Jolyne is willing to believe in the good in people, which resulted in a share of betrayals, but also earned her F.F.'s friendship. 

A defining characteristic of Giorno, and shared among his peers through him, is his resolve (覚悟 kakugo); something that can be described as his ability to make important decisions without hesitation and seeing them through to the very end, even in the face of pain, sorrow, and tragedy. An ambitious individual, he readily takes any occasion to achieve his final goal 

With others, Giorno treats people with the amount of respect he believes they deserve based on their beliefs and actions. He seems to have inherited both of Jonathan Joestar and Dio Brando's traits, with the former's being present towards peers and allies, and the latter's towards enemies. He has a good heart and wants to help out anybody who has demonstrated kindness to him or others, but casually disregards law. He was a petty thief when he first encountered Koichi and bribed the airport security guards before stealing Koichi's luggage. Overall, he follows his own morality without compromise. Giorno believes that people are free to die how they want. However, he also values life greatly and always seeks to never leave someone to die if he is able to help it, even putting himself in danger if another can stay unharmed.

On the other hand, Giorno has no trouble or qualms in punishing those that needlessly and intentionally hurt other people.

-However, when pressed into a corner, Hayato proves to be exceptionally brave. He was willing to commit suicide if it would prevent Bites the Dustfrom activating. Even Josuke comments on Hayato’s bravery for his age when he volunteers to set off Okuyasu’s explosively-charged body at the risk of death. 

-Hayato has also been proven to be exceptionally intelligent, managing to trick Kira into revealing his identity out loud while giving Josuke a phone call to wake him up and meet at a certain location without activating Kira’s stand. During the fight between Josuke and Kira, Hayato was capable of giving Josuke important tips despite being unable to see Stands, such as figuring out that Kira could only detonate one bomb at a time using his Bomb ability.

He isn’t strong because he is powerful. He is strong because he makes the people he cares about strong. And in the end he won’t give up who he is for power.

Being the daughter of a serial killer puts everything into question. Am i worthy? Do i have a right to exist when he took so much away from other people? And if i’m happy, is that a slap in the face to the victim’s families? I don’t want it to be.

In 1995, I wasn’t capable of balancing out these memories and feelings with the reports I was reading in the library. One day I read an article that quoted Winningham’s son, who called my dad a “monster” and said he should be executed. I knew he had every right to say that, but it was just daggers to my heart. I mean, this was my dad!

I stopped reading newspaper reports after that, for my own sanity perhaps. I was able to compartmentalise what my father had done. I thought: he’s a truck driver and he comes and goes, now he’s gone out of my life for a long time and I don’t need to think about this stuff.

I got stared at in high school when the news came out. Parents were really shaken up by the thought that their children might have been in harm’s way, so they kept them away from me and I began to feel tremendous guilt and shame.

But during the summer of 1995 I had other, more immediate worries. For a start, I was in a violent, abusive relationship with a boy - something I think my father primed me for.

Somehow I ended up feeling that I had to pay restitution for his crimes. I felt dirty, I felt less of a person, I felt isolated, I felt alone. I used to think that I couldn’t live in this world and be a part of it. I would always be a spectator, watching normal people go about their lives.

There isn’t a book out there called, What Do You Do When You Find Out That Your Dad’s A Serial Killer? There’s nothing out there that tells you what to do.

I was also worried. I knew I wasn’t capable of killing anybody, I knew I wasn’t a sociopath. And yet, didn’t I share my father’s DNA? How does one become a serial killer? Could that evil be something that I was carrying around, and could I even pass it on to my children?

It became a part of my life that I kept very secret. When I dated boys, I would never bring it up because there’s no point scaring anybody away at the beginning

My father will never get the death penalty for his crimes. But he should.

I don’t say that for myself, but for his victims. Justice will never be served to them. I’m not going to go into the details of the horrific torture he inflicted on those poor women, who were mothers and daughters and sisters. Not all his victims have even been identified. There are some parents who still don’t know where their daughter or sister disappeared to.

I’ve spoken with family members of his first victim, Taunja Bennett. They had a lot of details about her life, and who she was as a person, which I really wanted to know.

I’ve also spoken to his only survivor, who he brutally raped in front of her infant and tried to strangle. She reached out to me, and we arranged to speak on the phone. I was very nervous before the call, and I won’t deny it was hard to hear graphic details about her assault. But I believe it was a powerful gift that she gave me. If I wanted to delude myself about what he had done I couldn’t any more. I couldn’t live in la-la land.

I haven’t seen him for almost a decade. After my book came out in 2008, I got a letter from him in which he said, “I don’t want the world to judge me as a dad. I was a great dad. My only mistake was my eight errors in judgement.”

But he’s talking about murders! He’s calling them “errors in judgement”! That’s the way he sees things. How can anyone - even someone as close as a daughter - continue to have a relationship with a person who so completely lacks honesty and compassion?

For years I kidded myself. I knew he had done terrible things, but I still believed that he loved me and my siblings, that he was capable of love and empathy. Then one day, while I was working on my book, I had a conversation with my grandfather. He told me: “You know, I went to visit your dad in prison, and he said something that surprised me. He said that he had had thoughts of killing you children.”

Maybe people won’t understand this, but hearing that gave me freedom. It allowed me to see that in truth there had been no double life - there had only ever been one Keith Jesperson and he had been able to manipulate everyone around him and present different facades to the world.

And finally I knew the answer to the question that had been bothering me every time I thought about our last breakfast together in the diner. Would he have killed me if I had told the police about his crimes? Yes, he would.

Understanding that allowed me to say goodbye to him.