#(hahaha the irrational one? the bad guys loving one? the evil one??)

[katyspersonal]

Who is your favorite Elden Ring character?

Oh man.. This is a very hard question to answer because I love a LOT of characters for their own reasons, and it is really hard to pick one. You might as well send me this ask again every weak and there's a chance the answer would be different every time, too, because my thought process and personality are not stable either! (don't actually send it every week xD)

In general, I can learn to love every character after peering very deep within their being and discovering their potential (or nurturing it), but some characters still stand out and have been stable enough as favourites! That'd be Melina, Ranni, Goldmask, Sellen, Nepheli, Alberich, Yura, Eleonora, Ensha, Malenia (+Millicent), Godwyn and Vyke! I am sorta waiting on Miquella/Trina for DLC because I just don't know what to expect considering Martin's involvement!

I think Melina is the closest to what I could have as favourite character! My favs are more or less equally loved, but she left an emotional impact on me like no other character had before and that alone made her stand out already! Heck, I tag posts about her as 'wife' from time to time! You see..,

The full archive of EPIC AND VERY QUESTIONABLY SANE CONVERSATION is in this chain ( x ), but basically I've completely missed the point of Shabriri gaslighting us. The fact he was talking about burning Melina completely flew over my head, mostly because I didn't check right dialogues. The point about how there is no reason to fix the broken world and existence itself is a curse, however.....? (God I still fucking LOVE the "it is not my fault you jump into ‘hurr hurr but mass destruction bad’ instead of actually thinking" gem fdjhfhs). So, when my friends kept arguing with me I could not actually hear them!

And yet, everything changed when it was just Melina being sad with her voice even trembling a little bit if I remember correctly, convincing us to not inherit FF before the door to it, when everything clicked for me and I snapped out of it. There was something in her expressing her feelings on importance of life in spite of despair, pain, oppression and constant resistance that felt bigger and more important than any thoughtful conclusions on nature of life and world itself.

It is already very admirable that she makes a conscious choice to sacrifice herself for this world. It is not blindly following the purpose she was given, but she comprehends what she is doing and why, having a chance to live her own life now that Marika is absent but still choosing not to, so others could. There is no guarantee that Tarnished (or anyone) WILL make the future better, no way to tell what happens after she annihilates herself. She is motivated by hope for this world, and her trust. Hope is almost alien emotion for me, so I am impressed by the character that embodies it so much. And of course with the way she can kick ass, and how she asserts herself that her sacrifice is not OUR choice, I thought she was pretty badass.

All that is already hard qualities to compete with as they are, and they got strengthened by, without exaggeration, a bit of personal experience with the character! And then it gets MORE personal because, ironically, such an important character also dies in a unique way in Soulsborne context. Death is rarely a thing in Soulsborne worlds because of souls, planes of reality and timespace shenanigans, but Melina already had no body and thus burnt her soul. This is a complete annihilation without any loophole and backtrack, yet I don't even have the heart to meddle with this even in my imagination because this is what she decided.

[quirklessidiot]

Toshiro! It's gonna be hard imagining his face on michizane doing evil things😭 toshiro was a good guy throughout bleach.

but but thats his selling point! he looks innocent and good :") we'll be hearing more from him since hes a prominent figure in the Gojo Clan (esp in canon, hes the reason why Gojo and Yuta are considered the strongest)

𝔄𝔫𝔬𝔫 "My sun and moon" I thought it was a madman's crazy talk but michizane is a poet. Wow pat, what a little detail people can overlook because of the chaos that's happening.

gege is a history buff!! michizane's a real poet and scholar and an educated man T-T HAHAHA so i thought it would be 'romantic' and 'poetic' for him to call the concubine someone whom he considered his true love, his sun and moon because thats how he viewed her. the man literally worshipped the ground she walked on!

𝔄𝔫𝔬𝔫 What toxic of a “lover” was michizane? Is it toma level of yandere from amnesia? Tsukasa domyoji from boys over flowers?

basically all he wanted was to be loved back and he couldnt accept that and he just snaps snaps. u get better answers i believe in ch17 when it all gets told in the gojo clans perspective :)

𝔄𝔫𝔬𝔫 Pat stop making your bad guys hot. My morals have already been tested with yn's family.

𝔄𝔫𝔬𝔫 On no he's actually hot!😨😫😩

𝔄𝔫𝔬𝔫 Dammit why make villain hot? Why make reader questions morals? Why make morals leave body?

𝔄𝔫𝔬𝔫 Even if sugiwara doesn't end up as good looking as satoru in canon it's okay. That's canon canon this is minazuki canon🤣

technically he is gojo's ancestor (so yeah gotta be good looking plus everyone loved him and wanted to be his wife) and also he wasnt a total villain in the beginning (i took the liberty that since michizane is a well respected name in canon-JJK. like maki and the others in ch0 has mentioned about his strength and how they were in awe of him. So in the beginning of everything he was a decent guy and then something just snapped within him, basically he was walking on thin ice) see u in ch17, we'll be hearing a bit more of what went down in a better perspective! (like a more true one i guess?)

Sukuna's vers of the events is pretty messed up one because he was just a hired mercenary for the Clan and they only told him that because he was the closest to finding minazuki so he needed to be aware of sum info

𝔄𝔫𝔬𝔫 Satoru got some irrational jealousy of his ancestor. Jealous of an already dead boy and someone your wife has a special bond with.

Satoru is better like leagues better than Michizane tho :) i feel like thats where they differ, Satoru practices good self-restraint and remember when he thought y/N still loved Yu? he started to distance himself a bit already at that time. he was angry ofc but he knows where to draw the line

He's ultimately not like him (luv u king)

𝔄𝔫𝔬𝔫 Michizane looking kinda fine I wonder if we'll have sex scenes between him and the concubine👀 My logic: no you don't want that. They'll have rapey vibes or just outright rape.

Its rape i'd be uncomfortable to write that part because i might get too graphic :(

altho ill add that he didnt touch her until after he found out that she had been seeing the lover, basically something just snapped then when he realized that the feelings werent reciprocated and he decides that he needs to be territorial. Its truly sad tale for the woman and her lover (we'll be getting a thorough perspective on them!!)

𝔄𝔫𝔬𝔫 Michizane mentioned in canon and my reaction: cool 😮 Michizane mentioned in minazuki: HOLY FUCK! WHAT?! THIS MAN! EVIL! HE DID WHAT?! AAAAAGGGGGHHHH!!!🤢🤯🤯😨😭😭😱😱😡🤬

not sure if hes a bad guy in canon but hes a vengeful spirit like sukuna in current jjk canon so im not sure how geges gonna use him T_T

[woeismyhoe]

I've noticed people hating like the "good guys/sympathetic characters way more than like evil characters usually. Like ya the bad guys are evil and creepy but they are supposed to be and you supposed hate them. I think there's something about not liking a character you were supposed to sympathize with that makes people salty. Like most people aren't out there super intensely hating like Ozai or Voldemort. But they will intensely hate like Azula, or Iroh, or Snape for example.

Oh? I’m surprised at the Iroh mention lmao has my old anti-iroh posts finally made an effect? HAHAHA jk

Ok, but I think that one’s more of the kind where it’s obvious that the characters are detestable, so they’re not worth the mention. Then again... there is the fandom of LiS where some literally like Jefferson or Nathan more than the girls....

I guess it’s basically these people often project their own personal issues onto the characters. When they see that these characters are liked they get really salty cuz it means the people (enemies) they get reminded of from the characters have some sort of redeemable qualities or reason to explain why they’re that way— which is why they now feel invalidated if people support the character instead of hate them.

Like for Azula it may be cuz she reminds them of a bully from school, or Snape that one awful teacher we had, or Iroh... I mean he’s still pretty loved no? honestly I just hate Iroh cuz he’s a hypocrite and I despise hypocrites lmao

But then usually and frankly I’ll just say this, but characters are almost nothing like the people in real life the antis hate. The circumstances and situations are immensely different and there really is no link between their own feelings and the fictional characters. But eh. Irrational people i guess.

[youmissedone]

A little rant about Doc from Resident Evil: The Final Chapter

First, I’ll say... this post contains MASSIVE SPOILERS for this movie, so if you haven’t seen it yet, don’t read on unless you don’t care if things get ruined for you, heh.

Next, I’ll mention that this is not a platform to shame the movies in general or to say Final Chapter sucked. I know a lot of you can (and would) say most if not all of the movies sucked, whether on their own or in comparison to the games, but I really love them, despite their flaws. So we’re not going to hate on the movies... except in fun ways, heh. There is a lot I have been able to enjoy, piece together, extrapolate on with these movies, maybe because I have a writer’s brain and a pretty good imagination, so I can overlook certain failings of horror/scifi movies and see their potential in other ways. It’s brain candy for me, so I can’t hate them too much.

Except... Final Chapter... Doc. (sigh)

Words cannot express how much I hated this character. I could just stop there. Buuuut, I won’t. XD Read on if you don’t mind spoilers or you hate Doc as much as I do, haha.

Right, so... Doc. This guy right here.

Doc represents to me the epitome of bad writing, bad plot twists, bad plot twist reveals, and bad scripting. I cannot say bad acting, because... with what this actor was given to work with I think he did a good job. Too bad the writing and script made him look like a total ass. 

So, Doc was made exclusively for the trope of good-guy-turns-out-to-be-spy. I mean, it’s overused, but in some cases it’s an effective and even necessary trope. Not here. Aside from the fact that Doc served no discernible function in the entire movie other than to save Alice from a trap he let her ride into in the first place, Doc was written so poorly that anyone with a decent amount of experience in mapping out and writing story arcs could spot his flip a mile away. But then, once his duplicity is revealed, the movie’s banking on the viewer’s acceptance of this “revelation” is so complete and so obvious that he actually changes in personality, demeanor, and body language. Come with me while I rip Doc’s character apart for being such an affront to expertly crafted spy and betrayal arcs everywhere.

We first meet Doc when Alice wakes up from riding into a trap that full-body bitchslaps her off her motorcycle and causes her to fall unconscious. She wakes up to Doc trying to ram a needle in her heart and get her full of adrenaline so she’d wake up. (sigh) Imma already stop here. Because... already we have problems. When she asks him what's in the syringe, the conversation goes as follows:

“I needed you awake.”

“Why?!”

“Somethin’s comin’. Somethin’ big. Same direction you came.” 

I just... *rubs temples* I have so many problems already. First of all, this is supposedly a group survivors that have barely enough to live on in a building crumbling so badly that it’s down to its metal framework. Where... the frick... is he getting pure adrenaline from? Okay, his “name” is Doc. I’m guessing that’s not his real name. Maybe he was supposed to be an actual doctor? I’m not buying it, and they never really went into that at all. Anyhoo... if we ignore that there’s really no way he would have something like that (unless it was given to him... but I’ll get back to that later), the bigger problem of how does he know something big is coming remains.

You might be like uhm... the armies of undead? Headed their way? That the Dr. Isaacs clone is leading to them? Duh. *wags finger* Okay, just wait up. First of all... how does he know what it is? What does he have like a sixth sense? I thought that was Alice’s job. And second of all, this would almost fly if they had said he saw it through the binoculars or something, but then later on when Abigail alerts Alice to the armies headed their way, she acts as if this is new news. Did Doc see it and just... not report it? I mean, if he was a spy, that would make sense, except that NOBODY REACTED AT ALL to him saying that. My first comment if I was one of the survivors would be, who the hell is this chick (Alice)? But my second one would be, wait what? What something big? Holy crap, Doc, why didn’t you say something?! But nobody reacts. Okay. Fine. Maybe it’s just bad script writing. Yeah, it is, and it only gets worse.

So then when Alice begins to succumb to the really bad wounds she sustained from hitting the trap, she’s taken to Doc’s little infirmary, where she’s offered... mouthwash? Hahaha, I mean that’s what it looked like to me, this bluish-green liquid that’s like... okay, wtf is this now, and where did he get it from? He says it’s the “specialty of the house,” and that it’ll have her on her feet in no time. Sure enough, Alice drinks this shit, and she’s all better. No limping, no more gross coughing, she’s fine! Wtf.

I wanna know what that stuff was, because nothing would have instantly fixed the bruising, possible broken rips, maybe a puncture lung, and possible other broken bones that Alice must have had from that trap. Unless... it was from Umbrella. Honestly, after I had written the earlier scene off as just not making sense because of movie crap, heh, this scene really made me think something wasn’t right with Doc. I immediately had the notion of... he’s getting information and supplies from Umbrella. That’s why he has this great stuff that heals people, that’s where he got the adrenaline from, and that’s how he already knows the armies of undead are coming. That combined with the “Alert our operative in Raccoon City” comment from Wesker pretty much confirmed it, but I’m not done with this scene yet.

So once he fixes Alice up, Claire and him have a little moment. And I mean little. Literally all we get of their relationship is this scene and a bit of hand holding later on. But yeah, they stand close together and that’s supposed to mean something, and then Claire says to Alice, “You know, he and I...” and Alice says, “I noticed.” That’s it. It’s almost like the movie was coming out of itself and telling the view, “Oh, by the way, these two are involved. That’ll be important later, so pay attention.” I mean, seriously, it was so blatantly, extraneous, and unnecessary, and therefore it felt out of place and odd. Also rushed. For all those reason, I already had Doc pegged as the traitor.

And how typical would that be? It’s always the guy you least suspect, right? The movie tries to set him up as a hero, an honorable badass. He’s involved with Claire, and we all like Claire. (Okay, not everybody likes Claire, or Ali Larter’s portrayal, but the movies assume you like her.) You’d never suspect the guy who helped Alice and who was involved with Claire would be a bad guy. They go out of their way to make Doc seem like a great guy - maybe too great - complete with the stoic, calm, suave persona the actor portrayed. He never lost his head, kept other erratic members of his group in line, was a natural leader, and seemed to have a lot of honor. All of these were red flags of a character that is being set up to be too glowing in a world of ambiguous and downright evil people.

Then... we have Doc’s participation through the standoff with the aforementioned zombie armies, the descent into the Hive, and eventually delving into the Hive. He was always asking Alice about things. Where are you going, what are you doing, have you seen (insert name of underdeveloped minor character here)? He really seemed to want to keep tabs on people, always know what was going on, always know what was happening next. To me, that’s exactly what a spy would do... except they would be MUCH LESS FREAKING OBVIOUS ABOUT IT. Double agents who are constantly asking WHATCHA DOIN’ THERE? don’t make it very far, heh. He couldn’t have been more obvious if he had an “I’m a spy” sign on his damn forehead.

And at this point, I feel like the movie might have feared that you were catching on, and it tried to point you in the wrong direction like a kid who says HE LOOK OVER THERE to get you to turn around and then runs in the other direction. I see what you did there, movie. When the Red Queen warns Alice about the “informant” Umbrella had in Raccoon City, the camera skips around to everybody present, Murder on the Orient Express-style, as if to ask the viewer oooooh, who could it be? And in doing so, the camera stops on everybody for a fairly decent moment, until it gets to Doc. Then it kindof flits away like WHOOPS you didn’t see him, don’t suspect him, it’s not him. (sigh) Yes it is, movie. I totally called it.

So yeah, that’s half the reason I hate Doc. They way he was set up was so contrived, and the path leading up to the reveal is so obvious, that I didn’t feel like it was a twist at all. By the time Doc is revealed as the informant, I was surprised at the movie’s insistence that this was big news. I honestly was shocked to realize that they hadn’t blatantly already told me that. That’s how obvious it was.

The other half of why I hate Doc is the change in him after he’s revealed as a traitor. Up until then, he was brave, unafraid, cool/calm/collected, stoic, tough, you name it. Golden badass boy. And a leader. Then we’re told that he’s an informant for Umbrella, and all of a sudden, he’s acting like a totally gullible, unintelligent, dumbass. This irritated me two-fold.

Firstly, the trope that good guys are sexy, calm, and collected, and bad guys must be irrational, erratic, and insane idiots in order to be bad is PLAYED and UNREALISTIC. Why does Doc’s personality need to change after he’s revealed to be a duplicitous asshole? Why can’t he still be a suave sexy bastard, but just be evil? The second he’s revealed as an asshole, he becomes a spineless follower instead of an honorable leader, sucking up to Isaacs by telling him he’ll disable the charges Alice placed in the Umbrella High Command cryo-tubes (even Isaacs patronizes him by saying, “You’ve done well, Doc.” It’s the way he says it. It’s clear he thinks Doc is nothing but a dog to order around...) and then begging for his life, first to Alice and then to Claire. By the time Claire is getting ready to shoot him, he’s yelling out loud in fear of being shot. Was this at all consistent with Doc’s bravery from before? I would have actually liked the character a whole lot more, even despite the crappy buildup, if he had remained the fearless leader-type character he was before he was revealed as a traitor. That would have been so much more interesting and frankly dangerous than the groveling, sniveling, erratic mess he became.

Secondly, I was really pissed off at how little he cared about Claire. And frankly how little she cared about him. Like... granted, their relationship really had no fleshing out whatsoever, but I have a writer’s brain and I tend to fill in blanks on my own. You tell me they’re in a relationship? I’m gonna assume a certain level of bonding has occurred. Now, this kindof goes along with the whole "good guys are badass and villains must be insane dumbasses" peeve, but why can Doc not be a spy for Umbrella AND be genuinely in love with Claire? It would have been far more interesting and compelling of an end to his arc if he had continued to love her and defend her until the end.

I mean, I can tell you why he didn’t. Because if the Resident Evil movies suffer from any catastrophic failures at all, it’s that they insist upon character fitting molds and tropes. It’s too difficult, tedious, and time-consuming to have characters that don’t fit the mold because then we have to address those feels. First of all, these movies don’t have time for that, they’re incredibly rushed. Second of all, they assume for us all as viewers that we don’t want emotions and uncomfortable psychological issues (outside the bare minimum norm for this genre) in a horror/action film. This is evident in them cutting many other scenes in the franchise that would have brought up difficult talking points and emotions, such as the White Queen questioning the morality of Dr. Isaacs butchering so many Alice clones in his obstacle course of death in RE: Extinction.

How uncomfortable and outside the box would it be if Doc still maintained the same affect he had before the reveal (strong, stoic, brave) AND defended Claire against Wesker. Not that he had a change of heart or anything like that. He can still be a villain, but can also genuinely love Claire. The two things are not disqualifying against each other. How cool would it have been if Isaacs ordered him to kill Claire and he said that’s the one thing I won’t do, and then he’s shot for it or dies protecting her from Wesker? That would have been...... awkward at best for the viewer, because you hate this guy. He betrayed Alice and Claire, but then oh... he does really love her and is a brave guy despite his morals not being in the right place. Uncomfortable.... but good.

But horror/sci-fi/action movies tend to not go to places like this with their viewers because they feel it ruins the action or the feel of the movie. To me, Doc would have been more compelling and seemed more realistic and human if things had gone this way instead of the way they did. Villains are real and they’re among us. They’re human just like us. They’re not robots, they’re not all insane, they’re not all grovelling spineless idiots. Sometimes they’re brave dudes who love people. Yes, villains can be capable of great love, and showing that in Doc would have been a very powerful moment. I also would have appreciate a tear or SOMETHING from Claire. I understand he’s betrayed you, but you’re in love with him, or at least involved somehow. Show us that you care, even despite knowing what you have to do.

Phew! *sits back and fans self* Okay. I feel better. I finally got out this long rant about this character that I’ve had in my for a while, haha. This was actually a lot of fun to write. If anyone has anything to add, feel free. if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said, let me know. I love talking about my rants, so feedback is welcomed!

[timdjohnson131-blog]

Real Life Story Update 2018 Edition

Hey friend, want to have a heart to heart?

The most important part of Vintage Revivals, surprisingly isnt the Merc, or my post on how to paint furniture. It's my Real Life Story. It's been a while since I've updated it and while I wasn't initially intending this post to be part of it, I feel like it needs to be. Cause struggling and being human is way easier when someone else says “Hey girl, me too.”

I dont know what your last year has been like, but if I had a word for 2018 it would be STRESS. Like that, in all caps, screaming in your face. Over the last few years I've felt it compounding, but this last year it was overwhelming. I found myself paralyzed in anxiety, brimming with anger, and disconnected, jealous, and negative. (Which is very unlike my rose colored glasses way of living.) I had a few irrational outbursts, I had stress induced psoriasis patches all over my body, I very intensely thought about driving my car into a wall one night.

The crazy and most frustrating part is that I tried everything that I could think of to find relief. Hormone therapy, actual therapy, change in diet, sticking to a schedule, meditation, exercise, podcasts, books, if it was suggested to me I tried it. And nothing made it better. Every time I cut my hair my sisters were worried I was going to buzz it Britney circa 2007 style.

Have you ever been in a place like this? Where you've pulled your boot straps up so high that you're wearing them like suspenders and yet, you are still there, in the garbage? GAH! It is the worst feeling like you're letting everything and everyone around you down. Man, if you have my heart goes out to you. Maybe we should start a suspenders club?

For me, I've learned, is that it wasnt about the circumstances that were going on (maybe we'll talk about those soon). What really was happening is that sometime along the way I shifted my spirituality into neutral. Spoiler alert! It seems to be when you put something in neutral, it eventually coasts to a stop and that is what happened. I had stalled out.

For those that don't know, I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. My faith is what has rescued me from the seemingly unreachable darkness. Understand the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the power that it has to bring grace and purpose to my life changed everything. After experiencing all of the miracles that we have over the years, you would think that I would be set on the right path and have all of the energy in the world to endure whatever ups and downs life throws at me, but man it just is not that way.  I was still going to church, Court and I are still missionaries for the 12 Step Program, and still doing the “things” but trying to restart some spiritual momentum out of sheer self loathing is just not the way that it works.

In October I went to a hypnotherapy session that changed everything. It was probably the most sacred and spiritual experience that I've ever had. I can't share all of it, but during the session, I had this huge weight of darkness descend on me. As I focused on it I could feel it, like a thick black mist, intertwining itself around every part of my body. My therapist had me project the feeling outside of my body and asked me what shape it took on. It was like I was staring at a mirror image of myself, but instead of skin and clothing it was a faceless shadow of tumbling black smoke staring back at me.

As I faced it, those familiar feelings of dread, stress, hatred, anger, jealousy, self-will, pride, resentments, and sadness intensified and the smoke grew larger and larger until it was no longer the shape of me, but just a huge swirling black mass of despair. My therapist had me directly ask why it was there, and with a laugh and an energy that I recognized as Satan it replied “because you allow me to be”.

That son of a #&*%$

Slowly, almost undetectably I had let all of these garbage thoughts and feelings take seed in my life and they grew  and grew and grew until I found myself in this horrible place. Never has the term enemy of my soul meant more to me.

I dont know if you know this, but when I started my blog I had never DIYed a thing in my life. I had very little confidence in anything, especially myself, and what little I did have was sucked into the dark hole of Court's addiction. I was an absolute shell of a person. When I stumbled one day upon the world of DIY blogs, it changed everything! These wonderful, relatable, awesome women shared their knowledge with me and made me feel like I could do something scary. It unlocked a talent that had been completely undiscovered and quite literally altered the course of my life.

A few months into the blog I knew that I needed to share our struggle with addiction. At that point Court had only been sober for a few months, but he was so different than any other time he had been clean, that I didn't hesitate to believe that this time really was different. From the moment of being willing to be vulnerable things changed for me. I learned who I was, and how God speaks to me. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that the reason that I had this gift was to bring people to the blog so that I could share with them hope, and confidence, and happiness. Maybe in a thrifted dresser, maybe in a relationship, maybe in God. But always that change is real and everything can be made better. That purpose unlocked my heart.

But over the years, that perspective shifted. If you ask me point blank, that is still the answer you'll get, but in my heart it changed. It became about me, not about you. I dont know if the content really changed all that much, but the energy and reason behind it did. I would be interested to know for those long time readers, if you'd noticed.

So for the last little while, I've focused on finding my Savior and my peace and my perspective again. It has become my number one priority. It never ceases to amaze me that He is always there. ALWAYS! Even when I turn away from him, even when I struggle and try to do things on my own and make a mess out of the path that he set my life on, he is still there! Through this journey I've dedicated more time to going to the temple and reading the Book of Mormon. I've cut out everything in my life that doesn't fill me with hope and happiness (I'm looking at you Netflix) and my heart has been changed.

One of my favorite quotes by President Benson says “When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities.” It's quite miraculous how that happens. I feel like I know what my Heavenly Father wants from me and as I am willing to trust him and move forward in faith that he will work the miracle for me to become whatever he intends.

And as for the enemy of my soul, whenever I am feeling frustrated or defeated I read from the Book of Mormon, 2 Nephi 4:18-35

18 I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me.

19 And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.

20 My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.

26 O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?

27 And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy?

28 Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul.

30 Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation.

So what does all of this mean!? Hahaha man I have no idea. But I do know that Vintage Revivals always going to be about projects and paint and trips to Home Depot. But if I'm creating that content with love, awareness, and perspective-I believe that it can create a deeper connection and that is what the whole point behind all of this is. To know that none of us are alone in our bad bathroom tile, or in our imperfect lives.

If you've made it this far you get 10 Vintage Revivals points and a huge heartfelt thank youuuuu! Thank you for letting me share about where I've been cause man, what a lonely and crappy place that is. And thank you for letting me figure this whole thing out. You are wonderful!!

If you would like to learn more about the LDS 12 Step Addiction Recovery meetings, you can get more info for meetings in your area here.

If you're interested in receiving a free copy of the Book of Mormon, I would love to send you one! Shoot me an email at mandi@vintagerevivals.com!

Love your guts guys!!

    The post Real Life Story Update 2018 Edition appeared first on Vintage Revivals.

[karenpbrown12-blog]

Real Life Story Update 2018 Edition

Hey friend, want to have a heart to heart?

The most important part of Vintage Revivals, surprisingly isnt the Merc, or my post on how to paint furniture. It's my Real Life Story. It's been a while since I've updated it and while I wasn't initially intending this post to be part of it, I feel like it needs to be. Cause struggling and being human is way easier when someone else says “Hey girl, me too.”

I dont know what your last year has been like, but if I had a word for 2018 it would be STRESS. Like that, in all caps, screaming in your face. Over the last few years I've felt it compounding, but this last year it was overwhelming. I found myself paralyzed in anxiety, brimming with anger, and disconnected, jealous, and negative. (Which is very unlike my rose colored glasses way of living.) I had a few irrational outbursts, I had stress induced psoriasis patches all over my body, I very intensely thought about driving my car into a wall one night.

The crazy and most frustrating part is that I tried everything that I could think of to find relief. Hormone therapy, actual therapy, change in diet, sticking to a schedule, meditation, exercise, podcasts, books, if it was suggested to me I tried it. And nothing made it better. Every time I cut my hair my sisters were worried I was going to buzz it Britney circa 2007 style.

Have you ever been in a place like this? Where you've pulled your boot straps up so high that you're wearing them like suspenders and yet, you are still there, in the garbage? GAH! It is the worst feeling like you're letting everything and everyone around you down. Man, if you have my heart goes out to you. Maybe we should start a suspenders club?

For me, I've learned, is that it wasnt about the circumstances that were going on (maybe we'll talk about those soon). What really was happening is that sometime along the way I shifted my spirituality into neutral. Spoiler alert! It seems to be when you put something in neutral, it eventually coasts to a stop and that is what happened. I had stalled out.

For those that don't know, I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. My faith is what has rescued me from the seemingly unreachable darkness. Understand the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the power that it has to bring grace and purpose to my life changed everything. After experiencing all of the miracles that we have over the years, you would think that I would be set on the right path and have all of the energy in the world to endure whatever ups and downs life throws at me, but man it just is not that way.  I was still going to church, Court and I are still missionaries for the 12 Step Program, and still doing the “things” but trying to restart some spiritual momentum out of sheer self loathing is just not the way that it works.

In October I went to a hypnotherapy session that changed everything. It was probably the most sacred and spiritual experience that I've ever had. I can't share all of it, but during the session, I had this huge weight of darkness descend on me. As I focused on it I could feel it, like a thick black mist, intertwining itself around every part of my body. My therapist had me project the feeling outside of my body and asked me what shape it took on. It was like I was staring at a mirror image of myself, but instead of skin and clothing it was a faceless shadow of tumbling black smoke staring back at me.

As I faced it, those familiar feelings of dread, stress, hatred, anger, jealousy, self-will, pride, resentments, and sadness intensified and the smoke grew larger and larger until it was no longer the shape of me, but just a huge swirling black mass of despair. My therapist had me directly ask why it was there, and with a laugh and an energy that I recognized as Satan it replied “because you allow me to be”.

That son of a #&*%$

Slowly, almost undetectably I had let all of these garbage thoughts and feelings take seed in my life and they grew  and grew and grew until I found myself in this horrible place. Never has the term enemy of my soul meant more to me.

I dont know if you know this, but when I started my blog I had never DIYed a thing in my life. I had very little confidence in anything, especially myself, and what little I did have was sucked into the dark hole of Court's addiction. I was an absolute shell of a person. When I stumbled one day upon the world of DIY blogs, it changed everything! These wonderful, relatable, awesome women shared their knowledge with me and made me feel like I could do something scary. It unlocked a talent that had been completely undiscovered and quite literally altered the course of my life.

A few months into the blog I knew that I needed to share our struggle with addiction. At that point Court had only been sober for a few months, but he was so different than any other time he had been clean, that I didn't hesitate to believe that this time really was different. From the moment of being willing to be vulnerable things changed for me. I learned who I was, and how God speaks to me. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that the reason that I had this gift was to bring people to the blog so that I could share with them hope, and confidence, and happiness. Maybe in a thrifted dresser, maybe in a relationship, maybe in God. But always that change is real and everything can be made better. That purpose unlocked my heart.

But over the years, that perspective shifted. If you ask me point blank, that is still the answer you'll get, but in my heart it changed. It became about me, not about you. I dont know if the content really changed all that much, but the energy and reason behind it did. I would be interested to know for those long time readers, if you'd noticed.

So for the last little while, I've focused on finding my Savior and my peace and my perspective again. It has become my number one priority. It never ceases to amaze me that He is always there. ALWAYS! Even when I turn away from him, even when I struggle and try to do things on my own and make a mess out of the path that he set my life on, he is still there! Through this journey I've dedicated more time to going to the temple and reading the Book of Mormon. I've cut out everything in my life that doesn't fill me with hope and happiness (I'm looking at you Netflix) and my heart has been changed.

One of my favorite quotes by President Benson says “When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities.” It's quite miraculous how that happens. I feel like I know what my Heavenly Father wants from me and as I am willing to trust him and move forward in faith that he will work the miracle for me to become whatever he intends.

And as for the enemy of my soul, whenever I am feeling frustrated or defeated I read from the Book of Mormon, 2 Nephi 4:18-35

18 I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me.

19 And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.

20 My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.

26 O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?

27 And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy?

28 Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul.

30 Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation.

So what does all of this mean!? Hahaha man I have no idea. But I do know that Vintage Revivals always going to be about projects and paint and trips to Home Depot. But if I'm creating that content with love, awareness, and perspective-I believe that it can create a deeper connection and that is what the whole point behind all of this is. To know that none of us are alone in our bad bathroom tile, or in our imperfect lives.

If you've made it this far you get 10 Vintage Revivals points and a huge heartfelt thank youuuuu! Thank you for letting me share about where I've been cause man, what a lonely and crappy place that is. And thank you for letting me figure this whole thing out. You are wonderful!!

If you would like to learn more about the LDS 12 Step Addiction Recovery meetings, you can get more info for meetings in your area here.

If you're interested in receiving a free copy of the Book of Mormon, I would love to send you one! Shoot me an email at mandi@vintagerevivals.com!

Love your guts guys!!

    The post Real Life Story Update 2018 Edition appeared first on Vintage Revivals.

[lowmaticnews]

Real Life Story Update 2018 Edition

Hey friend, want to have a heart to heart?

The most important part of Vintage Revivals, surprisingly isnt the Merc, or my post on how to paint furniture. It’s my Real Life Story. It’s been a while since I’ve updated it and while I wasn’t initially intending this post to be part of it, I feel like it needs to be. Cause struggling and being human is way easier when someone else says “Hey girl, me too.”

I dont know what your last year has been like, but if I had a word for 2018 it would be STRESS. Like that, in all caps, screaming in your face. Over the last few years I’ve felt it compounding, but this last year it was overwhelming. I found myself paralyzed in anxiety, brimming with anger, and disconnected, jealous, and negative. (Which is very unlike my rose colored glasses way of living.) I had a few irrational outbursts, I had stress induced psoriasis patches all over my body, I very intensely thought about driving my car into a wall one night.

The crazy and most frustrating part is that I tried everything that I could think of to find relief. Hormone therapy, actual therapy, change in diet, sticking to a schedule, meditation, exercise, podcasts, books, if it was suggested to me I tried it. And nothing made it better. Every time I cut my hair my sisters were worried I was going to buzz it Britney circa 2007 style.

Have you ever been in a place like this? Where you’ve pulled your boot straps up so high that you’re wearing them like suspenders and yet, you are still there, in the garbage? GAH! It is the worst feeling like you’re letting everything and everyone around you down. Man, if you have my heart goes out to you. Maybe we should start a suspenders club?

For me, I’ve learned, is that it wasnt about the circumstances that were going on (maybe we’ll talk about those soon). What really was happening is that sometime along the way I shifted my spirituality into neutral. Spoiler alert! It seems to be when you put something in neutral, it eventually coasts to a stop and that is what happened. I had stalled out.

For those that don’t know, I’m a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. My faith is what has rescued me from the seemingly unreachable darkness. Understand the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the power that it has to bring grace and purpose to my life changed everything. After experiencing all of the miracles that we have over the years, you would think that I would be set on the right path and have all of the energy in the world to endure whatever ups and downs life throws at me, but man it just is not that way.  I was still going to church, Court and I are still missionaries for the 12 Step Program, and still doing the “things” but trying to restart some spiritual momentum out of sheer self loathing is just not the way that it works.

In October I went to a hypnotherapy session that changed everything. It was probably the most sacred and spiritual experience that I’ve ever had. I can’t share all of it, but during the session, I had this huge weight of darkness descend on me. As I focused on it I could feel it, like a thick black mist, intertwining itself around every part of my body. My therapist had me project the feeling outside of my body and asked me what shape it took on. It was like I was staring at a mirror image of myself, but instead of skin and clothing it was a faceless shadow of tumbling black smoke staring back at me.

As I faced it, those familiar feelings of dread, stress, hatred, anger, jealousy, self-will, pride, resentments, and sadness intensified and the smoke grew larger and larger until it was no longer the shape of me, but just a huge swirling black mass of despair. My therapist had me directly ask why it was there, and with a laugh and an energy that I recognized as Satan it replied “because you allow me to be”.

That son of a #&*%$

Slowly, almost undetectably I had let all of these garbage thoughts and feelings take seed in my life and they grew  and grew and grew until I found myself in this horrible place. Never has the term enemy of my soul meant more to me.

I dont know if you know this, but when I started my blog I had never DIYed a thing in my life. I had very little confidence in anything, especially myself, and what little I did have was sucked into the dark hole of Court’s addiction. I was an absolute shell of a person. When I stumbled one day upon the world of DIY blogs, it changed everything! These wonderful, relatable, awesome women shared their knowledge with me and made me feel like I could do something scary. It unlocked a talent that had been completely undiscovered and quite literally altered the course of my life.

A few months into the blog I knew that I needed to share our struggle with addiction. At that point Court had only been sober for a few months, but he was so different than any other time he had been clean, that I didn’t hesitate to believe that this time really was different. From the moment of being willing to be vulnerable things changed for me. I learned who I was, and how God speaks to me. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that the reason that I had this gift was to bring people to the blog so that I could share with them hope, and confidence, and happiness. Maybe in a thrifted dresser, maybe in a relationship, maybe in God. But always that change is real and everything can be made better. That purpose unlocked my heart.

But over the years, that perspective shifted. If you ask me point blank, that is still the answer you’ll get, but in my heart it changed. It became about me, not about you. I dont know if the content really changed all that much, but the energy and reason behind it did. I would be interested to know for those long time readers, if you’d noticed.

So for the last little while, I’ve focused on finding my Savior and my peace and my perspective again. It has become my number one priority. It never ceases to amaze me that He is always there. ALWAYS! Even when I turn away from him, even when I struggle and try to do things on my own and make a mess out of the path that he set my life on, he is still there! Through this journey I’ve dedicated more time to going to the temple and reading the Book of Mormon. I’ve cut out everything in my life that doesn’t fill me with hope and happiness (I’m looking at you Netflix) and my heart has been changed.

One of my favorite quotes by President Benson says “When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities.” It’s quite miraculous how that happens. I feel like I know what my Heavenly Father wants from me and as I am willing to trust him and move forward in faith that he will work the miracle for me to become whatever he intends.

And as for the enemy of my soul, whenever I am feeling frustrated or defeated I read from the Book of Mormon, 2 Nephi 4:18-35

18 I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me.

19 And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.

20 My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.

26 O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?

27 And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy?

28 Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul.

30 Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation.

So what does all of this mean!? Hahaha man I have no idea. But I do know that Vintage Revivals always going to be about projects and paint and trips to Home Depot. But if I’m creating that content with love, awareness, and perspective-I believe that it can create a deeper connection and that is what the whole point behind all of this is. To know that none of us are alone in our bad bathroom tile, or in our imperfect lives.

If you’ve made it this far you get 10 Vintage Revivals points and a huge heartfelt thank youuuuu! Thank you for letting me share about where I’ve been cause man, what a lonely and crappy place that is. And thank you for letting me figure this whole thing out. You are wonderful!!

If you would like to learn more about the LDS 12 Step Addiction Recovery meetings, you can get more info for meetings in your area here.

If you’re interested in receiving a free copy of the Book of Mormon, I would love to send you one! Shoot me an email at mandi@vintagerevivals.com!

Love your guts guys!!

    The post Real Life Story Update 2018 Edition appeared first on Vintage Revivals.

Real Life Story Update 2018 Edition published first on https://landscapingmates.blogspot.com

[alexrodriguespage]

Real Life Story Update 2018 Edition

Hey friend, want to have a heart to heart?

The most important part of Vintage Revivals, surprisingly isnt the Merc, or my post on how to paint furniture. It’s my Real Life Story. It’s been a while since I’ve updated it and while I wasn’t initially intending this post to be part of it, I feel like it needs to be. Cause struggling and being human is way easier when someone else says “Hey girl, me too.”

I dont know what your last year has been like, but if I had a word for 2018 it would be STRESS. Like that, in all caps, screaming in your face. Over the last few years I’ve felt it compounding, but this last year it was overwhelming. I found myself paralyzed in anxiety, brimming with anger, and disconnected, jealous, and negative. (Which is very unlike my rose colored glasses way of living.) I had a few irrational outbursts, I had stress induced psoriasis patches all over my body, I very intensely thought about driving my car into a wall one night.

The crazy and most frustrating part is that I tried everything that I could think of to find relief. Hormone therapy, actual therapy, change in diet, sticking to a schedule, meditation, exercise, podcasts, books, if it was suggested to me I tried it. And nothing made it better. Every time I cut my hair my sisters were worried I was going to buzz it Britney circa 2007 style.

Have you ever been in a place like this? Where you’ve pulled your boot straps up so high that you’re wearing them like suspenders and yet, you are still there, in the garbage? GAH! It is the worst feeling like you’re letting everything and everyone around you down. Man, if you have my heart goes out to you. Maybe we should start a suspenders club?

For me, I’ve learned, is that it wasnt about the circumstances that were going on (maybe we’ll talk about those soon). What really was happening is that sometime along the way I shifted my spirituality into neutral. Spoiler alert! It seems to be when you put something in neutral, it eventually coasts to a stop and that is what happened. I had stalled out.

For those that don’t know, I’m a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. My faith is what has rescued me from the seemingly unreachable darkness. Understand the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the power that it has to bring grace and purpose to my life changed everything. After experiencing all of the miracles that we have over the years, you would think that I would be set on the right path and have all of the energy in the world to endure whatever ups and downs life throws at me, but man it just is not that way.  I was still going to church, Court and I are still missionaries for the 12 Step Program, and still doing the “things” but trying to restart some spiritual momentum out of sheer self loathing is just not the way that it works.

In October I went to a hypnotherapy session that changed everything. It was probably the most sacred and spiritual experience that I’ve ever had. I can’t share all of it, but during the session, I had this huge weight of darkness descend on me. As I focused on it I could feel it, like a thick black mist, intertwining itself around every part of my body. My therapist had me project the feeling outside of my body and asked me what shape it took on. It was like I was staring at a mirror image of myself, but instead of skin and clothing it was a faceless shadow of tumbling black smoke staring back at me.

As I faced it, those familiar feelings of dread, stress, hatred, anger, jealousy, self-will, pride, resentments, and sadness intensified and the smoke grew larger and larger until it was no longer the shape of me, but just a huge swirling black mass of despair. My therapist had me directly ask why it was there, and with a laugh and an energy that I recognized as Satan it replied “because you allow me to be”.

That son of a #&*%$

Slowly, almost undetectably I had let all of these garbage thoughts and feelings take seed in my life and they grew  and grew and grew until I found myself in this horrible place. Never has the term enemy of my soul meant more to me.

I dont know if you know this, but when I started my blog I had never DIYed a thing in my life. I had very little confidence in anything, especially myself, and what little I did have was sucked into the dark hole of Court’s addiction. I was an absolute shell of a person. When I stumbled one day upon the world of DIY blogs, it changed everything! These wonderful, relatable, awesome women shared their knowledge with me and made me feel like I could do something scary. It unlocked a talent that had been completely undiscovered and quite literally altered the course of my life.

A few months into the blog I knew that I needed to share our struggle with addiction. At that point Court had only been sober for a few months, but he was so different than any other time he had been clean, that I didn’t hesitate to believe that this time really was different. From the moment of being willing to be vulnerable things changed for me. I learned who I was, and how God speaks to me. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that the reason that I had this gift was to bring people to the blog so that I could share with them hope, and confidence, and happiness. Maybe in a thrifted dresser, maybe in a relationship, maybe in God. But always that change is real and everything can be made better. That purpose unlocked my heart.

But over the years, that perspective shifted. If you ask me point blank, that is still the answer you’ll get, but in my heart it changed. It became about me, not about you. I dont know if the content really changed all that much, but the energy and reason behind it did. I would be interested to know for those long time readers, if you’d noticed.

So for the last little while, I’ve focused on finding my Savior and my peace and my perspective again. It has become my number one priority. It never ceases to amaze me that He is always there. ALWAYS! Even when I turn away from him, even when I struggle and try to do things on my own and make a mess out of the path that he set my life on, he is still there! Through this journey I’ve dedicated more time to going to the temple and reading the Book of Mormon. I’ve cut out everything in my life that doesn’t fill me with hope and happiness (I’m looking at you Netflix) and my heart has been changed.

One of my favorite quotes by President Benson says “When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities.” It’s quite miraculous how that happens. I feel like I know what my Heavenly Father wants from me and as I am willing to trust him and move forward in faith that he will work the miracle for me to become whatever he intends.

And as for the enemy of my soul, whenever I am feeling frustrated or defeated I read from the Book of Mormon, 2 Nephi 4:18-35

18 I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me.

19 And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.

20 My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.

26 O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?

27 And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy?

28 Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul.

30 Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation.

So what does all of this mean!? Hahaha man I have no idea. But I do know that Vintage Revivals always going to be about projects and paint and trips to Home Depot. But if I’m creating that content with love, awareness, and perspective-I believe that it can create a deeper connection and that is what the whole point behind all of this is. To know that none of us are alone in our bad bathroom tile, or in our imperfect lives.

If you’ve made it this far you get 10 Vintage Revivals points and a huge heartfelt thank youuuuu! Thank you for letting me share about where I’ve been cause man, what a lonely and crappy place that is. And thank you for letting me figure this whole thing out. You are wonderful!!

If you would like to learn more about the LDS 12 Step Addiction Recovery meetings, you can get more info for meetings in your area here.

If you’re interested in receiving a free copy of the Book of Mormon, I would love to send you one! Shoot me an email at mandi@vintagerevivals.com!

Love your guts guys!!

    The post Real Life Story Update 2018 Edition appeared first on Vintage Revivals.

Real Life Story Update 2018 Edition published first on https://vacuumpalguide.tumblr.com/

[jeffdonaldsons]

Real Life Story Update 2018 Edition

Hey friend, want to have a heart to heart?

The most important part of Vintage Revivals, surprisingly isnt the Merc, or my post on how to paint furniture. It’s my Real Life Story. It’s been a while since I’ve updated it and while I wasn’t initially intending this post to be part of it, I feel like it needs to be. Cause struggling and being human is way easier when someone else says “Hey girl, me too.”

I dont know what your last year has been like, but if I had a word for 2018 it would be STRESS. Like that, in all caps, screaming in your face. Over the last few years I’ve felt it compounding, but this last year it was overwhelming. I found myself paralyzed in anxiety, brimming with anger, and disconnected, jealous, and negative. (Which is very unlike my rose colored glasses way of living.) I had a few irrational outbursts, I had stress induced psoriasis patches all over my body, I very intensely thought about driving my car into a wall one night.

The crazy and most frustrating part is that I tried everything that I could think of to find relief. Hormone therapy, actual therapy, change in diet, sticking to a schedule, meditation, exercise, podcasts, books, if it was suggested to me I tried it. And nothing made it better. Every time I cut my hair my sisters were worried I was going to buzz it Britney circa 2007 style.

Have you ever been in a place like this? Where you’ve pulled your boot straps up so high that you’re wearing them like suspenders and yet, you are still there, in the garbage? GAH! It is the worst feeling like you’re letting everything and everyone around you down. Man, if you have my heart goes out to you. Maybe we should start a suspenders club?

For me, I’ve learned, is that it wasnt about the circumstances that were going on (maybe we’ll talk about those soon). What really was happening is that sometime along the way I shifted my spirituality into neutral. Spoiler alert! It seems to be when you put something in neutral, it eventually coasts to a stop and that is what happened. I had stalled out.

For those that don’t know, I’m a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. My faith is what has rescued me from the seemingly unreachable darkness. Understand the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the power that it has to bring grace and purpose to my life changed everything. After experiencing all of the miracles that we have over the years, you would think that I would be set on the right path and have all of the energy in the world to endure whatever ups and downs life throws at me, but man it just is not that way.  I was still going to church, Court and I are still missionaries for the 12 Step Program, and still doing the “things” but trying to restart some spiritual momentum out of sheer self loathing is just not the way that it works.

In October I went to a hypnotherapy session that changed everything. It was probably the most sacred and spiritual experience that I’ve ever had. I can’t share all of it, but during the session, I had this huge weight of darkness descend on me. As I focused on it I could feel it, like a thick black mist, intertwining itself around every part of my body. My therapist had me project the feeling outside of my body and asked me what shape it took on. It was like I was staring at a mirror image of myself, but instead of skin and clothing it was a faceless shadow of tumbling black smoke staring back at me.

As I faced it, those familiar feelings of dread, stress, hatred, anger, jealousy, self-will, pride, resentments, and sadness intensified and the smoke grew larger and larger until it was no longer the shape of me, but just a huge swirling black mass of despair. My therapist had me directly ask why it was there, and with a laugh and an energy that I recognized as Satan it replied “because you allow me to be”.

That son of a #&*%$

Slowly, almost undetectably I had let all of these garbage thoughts and feelings take seed in my life and they grew  and grew and grew until I found myself in this horrible place. Never has the term enemy of my soul meant more to me.

I dont know if you know this, but when I started my blog I had never DIYed a thing in my life. I had very little confidence in anything, especially myself, and what little I did have was sucked into the dark hole of Court’s addiction. I was an absolute shell of a person. When I stumbled one day upon the world of DIY blogs, it changed everything! These wonderful, relatable, awesome women shared their knowledge with me and made me feel like I could do something scary. It unlocked a talent that had been completely undiscovered and quite literally altered the course of my life.

A few months into the blog I knew that I needed to share our struggle with addiction. At that point Court had only been sober for a few months, but he was so different than any other time he had been clean, that I didn’t hesitate to believe that this time really was different. From the moment of being willing to be vulnerable things changed for me. I learned who I was, and how God speaks to me. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that the reason that I had this gift was to bring people to the blog so that I could share with them hope, and confidence, and happiness. Maybe in a thrifted dresser, maybe in a relationship, maybe in God. But always that change is real and everything can be made better. That purpose unlocked my heart.

But over the years, that perspective shifted. If you ask me point blank, that is still the answer you’ll get, but in my heart it changed. It became about me, not about you. I dont know if the content really changed all that much, but the energy and reason behind it did. I would be interested to know for those long time readers, if you’d noticed.

So for the last little while, I’ve focused on finding my Savior and my peace and my perspective again. It has become my number one priority. It never ceases to amaze me that He is always there. ALWAYS! Even when I turn away from him, even when I struggle and try to do things on my own and make a mess out of the path that he set my life on, he is still there! Through this journey I’ve dedicated more time to going to the temple and reading the Book of Mormon. I’ve cut out everything in my life that doesn’t fill me with hope and happiness (I’m looking at you Netflix) and my heart has been changed.

One of my favorite quotes by President Benson says “When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities.” It’s quite miraculous how that happens. I feel like I know what my Heavenly Father wants from me and as I am willing to trust him and move forward in faith that he will work the miracle for me to become whatever he intends.

And as for the enemy of my soul, whenever I am feeling frustrated or defeated I read from the Book of Mormon, 2 Nephi 4:18-35

18 I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me.

19 And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.

20 My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.

26 O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?

27 And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy?

28 Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul.

30 Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation.

So what does all of this mean!? Hahaha man I have no idea. But I do know that Vintage Revivals always going to be about projects and paint and trips to Home Depot. But if I’m creating that content with love, awareness, and perspective-I believe that it can create a deeper connection and that is what the whole point behind all of this is. To know that none of us are alone in our bad bathroom tile, or in our imperfect lives.

If you’ve made it this far you get 10 Vintage Revivals points and a huge heartfelt thank youuuuu! Thank you for letting me share about where I’ve been cause man, what a lonely and crappy place that is. And thank you for letting me figure this whole thing out. You are wonderful!!

If you would like to learn more about the LDS 12 Step Addiction Recovery meetings, you can get more info for meetings in your area here.

If you’re interested in receiving a free copy of the Book of Mormon, I would love to send you one! Shoot me an email at mandi@vintagerevivals.com!

Love your guts guys!!

  The post Real Life Story Update 2018 Edition appeared first on Vintage Revivals.

via Mandi at Real Life Story Update 2018 Edition via Jeff Donaldson’s Blog Real Life Story Update 2018 Edition