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misplaced5911 · 7 years

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The time came, where I had enough. Five years to late but I trudged through it. It hasn’t been the most enjoyable seven months, nor has it been easy. It’s not easy living without you in my life. No matter everything that we went through, For some reason my heart still aches for you and I have no damn idea why… After all that was said and done, there’s not a slightest reason why I should give a flying fuck quite honestly. Its not easy, even though for 6 months after you came back, you slept alone, in another room…no love anymore, no contact and intertwining my legs with yours and my arm around your stomach…with my pinky grasping onto the waist of your shorts… I miss you I do. There’s nothing I can do about it at this point, we are to far gone. We never really had the communication to make it through what we were going through. You messed up and you couldn’t admit it. I was “the one” right? Why couldn’t you come to me and talk about what you did, clearly did by the way and you still deny it to this day…which crushes my heart each time you do deny it. Nothing will ever be the same. You are.no longer my “nomie” or someone who I can call “home” We made a family and you started messing it up in 2013, as far back as I could get proof of anyway…and my question is “why?” How could you continually come back to our home after we broke up and look me in the face and lie to me? How could you be okay with it today, after i busted you 2 years ago? For 6 months I had to be “okay” and forgive you for what you did…but I couldn’t. That’s what you don’t understand. You killed me and I still took you back. Are you ashamed yet? I heard that you are homeless now, kicked to the curb with the rest of your so called family. Sucks for you…sorry for Ma. But your not going to a shelter, You picked “that” place… “That” place, where most of our BIGGER fights started, your friends, your scheming conniving self… You chose to go there. I’m not okay with that. I want to say that I am over you, I try to convince myself everyday…literally try and convince myself. It doesn’t happen, a picture pops up on my Timehop, or a comment you made 6 years ago on my Facebook memories come up…and I just baul my eyes out. I get upset, yes I am mad we didn’t make it. I am petrified on how I am going to raise our daughter alone, without you. I’m tired, I’m alone, I’m not okay. For 10 years, I basked in your shadow, I admired you from afar, you were everything I wanted from the first night I laid eyes.on you, back when we were 18. Your crooked and contagious smile, your funny mannerisms…you weren’t to bad looking either. I don’t really remember how my hand fits in yours because we haven’t held hands in years. I miss your smell, I miss your eyes, I miss the I love Yous, it blows that I have to hear it every Tuesday and Thursday, saying it to our baby girl and it shatters my heart, cause all I want to do is say “I love you” back. You were my everything and I may have not been the best at our life, but I tried my damn hardest and I thought you did too, until I saw your secrets and realized what you have been up to for years ago. I depise you at the same time. The situations you are going through, are Karma. I told you all along, karma will catch up to you. Even though I feel for you, I hope you feel how the amount of pain and hot blood that ran through my body that night feels like. I want you to be torn apart and at your weakest and lowest and I hope you eventually can’t sleep at night and up all night thinking that maybe if only you had tried to work it out nd communicate and be there, understand my issues, maybe…we could have succeeded. Karma isn’t always nice. I think I got mine when you came back almost a year ago…i dealt with your shit for 8 months and destroyed my well being and our baby’s because of your lack of responsibility. I hope you feel everything, everyday until you feel the need to apologize for everything you have done to the girl that was supposed yo be your everything. And I do not foresee you ever apologizing or actually admitting to shit, and making ends meet. For the rest of my life I have no choice but to remember 6 years of my life was gone in a blink of an eye and I have no way of reclaiming it. I lost me and now I have to pick myself up, be the strongest I have ever been.

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