#(id apologise but she'd tell me off)

[joycon]

also basically what happened with this dude, because id actually rather be candid about it because i fucked up, and thats not something i wanna hide either. i did fuck up. intensely. if you're familiar with me and previous urls (specifically bìfēy) you may have actually witnessed this

so timeline:

- ive known this dude (went by catboyfleas at the time i believe) since i was 13, which i consider childhood for me as someone who Does Not Remember Their Childhood. we'd had an on and off friendship because he's incredibly abrasive and rude and overall the reviews from anyone whos met him that i still speak to are generally "hes a cunt", and id been pretty vulnerable to this treatment growing up

- roughly 2020-2021 (????) i criticise a person (jen truëfaggōt) who, as far as i was and am aware, is not and was not bisexual and had no right trying to coin flags for a bisexualgender flag in my personal opinion when there were already flags made by bisexuals, especially when this person had a history of biphobia

- he accidentally misgenders this person by using "king" when telling her to stay in her lane, as said person used he/him at the time and identified as gay for men, though also tma. we were not aware that this would go under misgendering as we thought it was the correct gendered term

- this person is very upset which is fair and accuses him of misgendering, and of fucking course instead of apologising he doubles down on the "well i didnt know!" and im working to try and translate dipshit speak into an actual explanation for his actions, as this person accuses him of intentional misgendering which it genuinely wasnt. i cannot stand this dude anymore, and i will throw him under the bus for a myriad of reasons now that hes no longer around to essentially mock and gaslight me for sport. but he didnt do this intentionally.

however the lack of apology is in itself transmisogynistic and me trying to apologise for him and explain things is still transmisogynistic and didnt fix it. i am genuinely and deeply sorry for this. at the time i wanted to explain on behalf of my friend, who for the better part of 10 years id been constantly insulted by and belittled and had to essentially be a pr agent of in many circumstances, and i felt that as i'd been the one to initially interact with that person, it was my responsibility to try and fix the situation. we are no longer and will never be friends again.

it was not my role to apologise for him or explain his actions, and i should have cut him off as people suggested. i was pretty strongly attached to him due to him being one of the only people whod stayed part of my life and defended me when i was being abused by my parents and partners, and i felt i owed it to him to try and fix this. i didnt really have anyone else i knew irl, and i truly did not think he had poor intentions, but actions do speak louder and continuing to make excuses for him contributed to the damage he'd already done.

- the situation later devolves into all of the attention and blame being shifted onto me, as he just logged out essentially after continuing to double down on how he never meant it as misgendering as he couldnt have known - iirc he claimed he wasnt even aware you could be tma and still be mlm in any capacity.

i end up being held accountable for his actions, and i believe this person actually at a point called me a dog? like a lot of it was very very peppered with antiblackness and bimisogyny — something she ALSO had a history of, and i will not back down on that, there was definitely warranted criticism for my actions, but i was treated with far more hostility and bad faith than he was, and after not long at all i was the sole target of criticism (rather than him) until a callout was later posted for the person, revealing she wasnt even transfem, and proving she'd been racefaking as well.

however that callout also ended up being filled with absolute baseless BULLSHIT theorising about other completely uninvolved people being sock puppets of her, and this actively harmed those people. the authors of that callout never apologised and disappeared and i do not associate with them nor do i condone the flimsy and dangerous accusations levelled against uninvolved people.

i did not write the callout but my testimony was involved, and i actively condemn the majority of the callout. it hurt others. i didnt want to hurt other people like that, i cant imagine how much stress they were under after those false accusations of being someone else entirely, and i am so sorry that they were dragged into this and subjected to that.

i wanted that person held accountable for her antiblackness and bimisogyny, as there genuinely is not an excuse for that, i didnt deserve that either. i absolutely deserved criticism for my behaviour and responses and i deserved to be held accountable and still do, but there wasnt an excuse to talk about me like i was some purposefully evil animal and the instigator of all of this and that i was aggressive and cruel. i wasnt. that was never my intention. ever.

i regret not nipping that in the bud and im genuinely sorry for my part in it. i should have listened when warned to cut him off and i should have never tried to speak on his behalf or apologise for it. i kept poor company and thats on me. i believe i have genuinely learned from this and i am remorseful for it, but i also understand anyones skepticism around my intentions or actions. everyone is entitled to that. just because im apologising doesnt mean im entitled to anyones forgiveness, especially not like... tma peoples? but the apology is still important to me. i am sorry. i do regret this. i will do better.

i have worked very hard to do better and Be better and i do hope that reflects. i care a lot about this topic and especially as a black bi woman. its important to me that i work to make sure people feel safe around me.

so. for anyone who was NOT aware of this and has no interest in associating with me further after learning it, i fully understand.

and if you were involved with this and have stumbled across this and were one of the people harmed by it, i am genuinely sorry. id considered reaching out to certain people affected directly but its been made very clear that these people do not want to hear from me or anyone else who'd been even tangentially involved in the callout and ive chosen to respect the right to peace and privacy. but please understand that if given the chance i would like to directly apologise, provided it wouldnt cause further distress.

[defiantsuggestions]

hi, anon who sent the privacy invasion ask:

i did think about ur suggesting and yeah, you're right, that wasn't appropriate language to use for that particular situation, or at all really.

everything else still stands tho, and i think it hurt more bc she usually didnt snoop around like that to my knowledge. horrible as she was, she never took my stuff without asking, and was generally fine with leaving my personal stuff alone.

so when she did that it was a huge breach of trust, especially since i had felt that she would never do that.

another story, similar cw's apply here:

recently, a while after i escaped her house to go to my paternal grandmother, i went to visit my maternal grandmother for the weekend.

it was 2 am, and i was trying to go to sleep, and i left my sketchbook out on the table bc i had been doodling a little.

she walked over to me to tell me to go to bed, when she noticed my sketchbook. just when i had closed my eyes, i heard paper rustling, and i snapped awake immediately.

she was sitting at my feet, looking through my personal, PRIVATE sketchbook, without asking.

i immediately remembered my mom, and i told her to stop and put it down.

she ignored me.

i said it again. same thing.

i told her to stop 5 times and she did not listen.

i tore the sketchbook out of her hands but by that point she had already seen everything.

i felt naked, violated, and wrong.

i told her she couldnt look through my stuff without asking first, and that it was wrong of her to do that.

she looked at me, and with a patronizing tone of voice, said "good luck in the real world."

i saw red.

immediately i smacked her (uninjured) shoulder in hopes that it would jostle her head out of her anus but no dice.

she got mad bc i slapped her shoulder (gently) after she snooped through the equivalent of my diary without asking and refused to stop when politely asked.

she complained to my aunt about how id smacked her and apparently gave no other context bc my aunt came to me the next day to ask what happened.

i told my aunt and she started pulling excuses like "well she really loves your art, her father was a painter so your art is her pride and joy," etc.

i could not give 2 shits. i told her no and she did not listen. she crossed multiple boundaries and laughed in my face when i got upset.

secondly, my art is not something you get to advertise like its your own. you dont get to piggyback off of my hobby for clout, ESPECIALLY not after what you pulled. my art is personal, and the fact that you bragged about it without my knowledge, likely sharing pictures as well, is revolting.

and then my grandmother came around and said (in a tone clearly meant to guilt-trip me into apologising, oh did i mention she does that a lot) that she'd never touch anything of mine again.

i said "good."

she took me home, and i couldn't pick up my sketchbook at all after that bc every time, all i could think about was how she saw everything inside and suddenly i didnt want to draw anymore.

she called me everyday after that to ask when i would be coming back over as if nothing happened.

it has been over a week and i havent seen her since.

i really dont want to see her. forever, preferably.

but my cousin has a birthday coming up in 2 days where she will, unfortunately, be there.

and knowing her, she's already shared her side and will get everyone to antagonize me about it, as usual.

wish me luck and pray i dont commit homicide in the middle of a 3 year old's birthday party.

this family is a goddamn nightmare.

(Thank you, I appreciate that. And everything else you said absolutely still stands, 100%.)

That sounds absolutely awful, anon. Privacy is a right, it is important, it needs to be respected.

A artist's sketchbook is their private property. It's nosy, rude and entitled to look through it without permission. And to keep looking through it when that person tells you to stop is just horrible. She has no right, it's your art and your property, not hers.

I absolutely hated it when my parents looked through anything of mine, it made me jumpy and secretive and less willing to show them anything.

And, her laughing you off? With """good luck in the real world?""" Firstly, excusing her shitty behavior with 'oh this isn't the real world you're so coddled' is bullshit manipulation and it doesn't make what she did okay. Second; if she did that out in public with a stranger, that would be harassment and theft.

Like, is she trying to imply that out there in the big scary "real world" people are going to nose through your stuff on the regular? Because that sounds like what she was trying to imply, and she is wrong. No one would accept that kind of behavior from her. What she did was wrong.

I'm so sorry you have to see her again. That entire situation is bull and you deserve so much more respect than what you're being given. Your privacy is important.

Please stay safe. Good luck at the party. I suggest you avoid taking anything personal, she's libel to try and guilt you into getting into it. Just get through the day and try to avoid her as much as possible after. Like with your mother; she ruined the relationship. Not you.

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Carly

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