#* . ⊹ ᴛʜᴇ ᴘᴀsᴛ ʜᴀᴜɴᴛs ᴜs ᴀʟʟ › ❨ headcanon. ❩

[waterforlorn]

lev + the sea princess' trident

lev never thought he'd be wielding a damn trident in battle & honestly - for the longest time, he outright refused. the offer for a trident had been there, breathed his way whenever he entered the forge to ask for an upgrade to his spear - even during his first few years in camp. but, lev never quite ... felt it.

he was aware it was essentially a similar weapon, but it felt wrong to wield a weapon he didn't believe in. wasn't it? the trident stood for a heritage lev didn't see in himself. sure, he knew he was poseidon's son, but for the longest time he didn't really believe it. during his first few years in camp, he struggled to even summon his father's blessing. he was told it'd come to him in time. but when?

lev didn't know until much, much later that he could've spent the next fifty years trying to learn, but without self-control & without being the master of his own body, he'd never succeed. how was he supposed to control water - or earth for that matter, when he couldn't control his own actions?

when he left camp for the army, he'd pretty much accepted he never would. but as he improved himself, he found himself with accidental usage of his powers. it was random, it was .. maybe a little scary at times, but it was ...good. for the first time in a long time lev felt like maybe he wasn't meant to be a failure. sure, he wasn't bad in the army. not anymore. his stubbornness got him far, his determination & diligence got him even farther & his iron will .. or some would say his pull towards violence paved his way.

he enjoyed it. surprisingly enough, he also enjoyed the camaraderie between his platoon. like family. the ...well, camp had been somewhat of a family, but all in all...? the very first time in his life lev experienced a bond as tight as that. truly.

the shift to private security ... hadn't been easy. he'd not wanted to leave the life he knew behind, but he'd had limited options. not only was he getting too old to actively participate in the life he led before, his (former) sarge also thought it best lev left to enjoy at least some of his life in freedom. lev had felt free in the army. he'd never felt any less shackled than there, but he respected the man who single-handedly changed his life forever more than that.

now stuck in a life he never thought he'd led, lev ... experimented. on occasion. it was so easy to, because water was everywhere & pretty much nobody seemed to pay attention to their surroundings these days. they all spent their days hunched over & staring onto their smartphones.

the call had been ..unexpected, to say the least.

lev never thought he'd be deemed worthy to help - partially because of his age, but also because he thought it was common knowledge he sucked at being a demigod. but here he was. he'd fought it, but eventually... temptation won. being back in camp had been .. strange. part of him had spent a long time wondering if he didn't make a mistake leaving it behind the first time around, but seeing all those kids in camp trying to fight a war they shouldn't even be part of..?

all that reminded him that he made the right decision. if he died here, he'd lived. he'd seen war before, had experienced good & bad, he'd hooked up & he'd seen the at least some of everyday life. he'd lived. when he returned to camp, lev thought he was ready to die.

turned out he was wrong. so very wrong. maybe it was the determination, or the stubbornness beat into his very being - or it was the fact he'd opened his heart to others for the first time & felt he found connections he never thought he'd make ...here.

including the idiot who thought it a good idea to steal the trident lev got from the sea princess he ... helped kill to fiddle with it until he knew lev couldn't deny living it. fucking idiot knew him too well. but with poseidon taking the time to listen to his whims & aiding him in his requests to protect the person who also stole his heart & refused to return it & with lev gradually growing more & more ... confident in his abilities... something within him shifted.

he never thought of poseidon as his father - not in the traditional sense, because not only did he feel the intense urge to deny he'd ever had parents in the first place, but he also ... well, it wasn't like the god had taken any time whatsoever during lev's childhood to care for him. now, he had no fucking idea what good parents were like, but he knew that actually being there for your kid was part of the deal.

but now? maybe lev's idea of parenthood had changed over the years, or maybe he'd come to realize that he never should've expected poseidon to be just any mortal parent, but honestly? accepting that? the best thing he did. he never thought the old god would listen to him, least of all help him & here he was, growing stronger. in his own way. because he understood now that everybody was different, but that didn't make them weaker. or him.

it wasn't until nico pulled out that damn trident that lev realized he ... no longer felt like he had to run at the sight. when his fingers wrapped around the long, metallic shaft .. it felt right. it felt like he was supposed to be here. for the longest time .. lev didn't feel like he belonged in camp halfblood & sure, it'd taken him half a damn lifetime to figure out, but ...

he was worthy. at least kind of.

[waterforlorn]

— day one. october 7th. 11:36 am.

i'm starting a new journal for this, cause .. well, i don't know how long nico's planning to get away from camp yet. he's being stupid about it. figured i didn't wanna run out in case he found out about my birthday and intends to keep me out for like half the month. sounds like something he'd do.

didn't expect to wake to packed suitcases ...ever. then again i also never expected to live with someone i care about, so there went that. i'm not sure if i'm gonna continue this for all of our travels, but i'll try. i know it's good for me to write. i know. but we might be too tired or too busy, so i'm not going to punish myself for skipping a day.

i think.

anyway, we've been on the road for two hours now and nico still refuses to tell me where we're going. he has been ... quiet for most of the day since i woke. geez, i thought he was going back home to his stupid cabin because of something i said. or did. yeah, that. i'm not the chatty part of this relationship. still can't believe that's something i write about. or be in. let's be real, i didn't want any of this. but now that i got it? fuck, no idea what i' doing when he leaves. don't think i can go back to how things were... not really.

good thing we decided that we'd go our paths together, cause ain't no way in hell i'm gonna keep all this shit up if he was to die. ugh, this is not what i'm supposed to write about.

alright here goes.. my day, my emotions, my thoughts.

i'm looking forward to whatever this excursion's about.

i'm excited getting to spend my days solemnly with him for a while, nobody pushing between us, nobody keeping us apart, nobody demanding attention when he should be paying attention to me. i know what that sounds like. IT'S NICO'S FAULT.

i can't wait to see where we're going. i've seen all kinds of places, but never for pleasure, so getting to explore ..wherever. yeah, that's gonna be nice. i kinda hate how good he's at all this when i'm barely hanging on. nico's fucking relationship-coded. like some disney prince, it pisses me off some days.

shit, yeah. thoughts. emotions. my day.

i think this will be good for us. the past few months were quite intense for both of us and i know that nico's feeling guilty because of blaze. i ... do too. nobody in camp took it upon themselves to help them either and ... well, safe to say we won't see them again. will we? part of me regrets not going, but .. i don't regret having found someone i'm willing to put FIRST. especially because he puts ME first, too. never thought i'd want that. or find it. or ...wanna find it.

i don't regret that.

I DESERVE THAT.

i deserve to be loved.

nico said we're going to be driving for a few days. i'm okay with that. kinda. i'll have NO schedule, but i'll make up for it. i'll find a way. i'm still not really back to where i was when i came to camp, so maybe getting away is good for more than on reason.

he's getting snacks for the night right now, so i'm just gonna finish this up. we've driven for like most of the day and i'm quite tired.

no more thoughts for today, i think. emotions haven't changed, although i do feel a little calmer by now, which is probably also nico's fault. whenever he smiles at me i know the world's gonna okay.

eh, anyway. more tomorrow i guess. we'll get up early to drive as long as we can.

[waterforlorn]

@tiredanvilandmace; ...you asked for this ...so... yeah... i shall not be blamed

did he piss on a sacred tree? did he stomp on a snail without noticing? did he fuckin' do something to upset the gods?

because fuck if the quests lately didn't feel ridiculously one-sided, like someone had already written their story & lev was caught amidst the pages, trying very frantically to read ahead to save those he cared for. what good was he when he couldn't even do that? the one thing he decided to dedicate his life to.

the list .. was ever-growing. michele & jericho ripped from them behind their backs, kit & greyson vanished without a word - lev knew that didn't ...no, it couldn't mean anything good. both ... had surely secured a little corner of his heart & not knowing where they were - or if they even were alive was slowly, but surely taking its toll on the former soldier. to top that off, they failed rescuing london & miles, too. should they have fought? could they have won? lev had been against leaving london behind, he'd never let a comrade behind before, but ... he'd been outvoted .. again. even zayn had stung, he'd set out to help & got lost along the way, only for them to return empty-handed.

every time they left camp to chase another fairytale, lev felt his heart sink, felt dredge & anxiety creep up his spine in an attempt sink their fangs into his neck & mess with his performance in fights & ... he wasn't sure if it succeeded or not, although he felt he'd done decent. decent wasn't good. he could've done better. if he stopped at decent he wouldn't be here & yet he wondered .. what else could he possibly do? when he already trained most of the day, what ... could he do? how could he improve? how could he protect those he cared for?

again.

not strong enough.

not fast enough.

⸺ weak.

he mulled it over endless times, had tried to piece together how exactly that fight could've been handled better, but .. he didn't know. they'd taken down ulrik rather quickly, had kept kira at bay for most of that, but when she joined the fight... it all happened so fast. the focus was obvious early on, clear as day even to a mind less sharp than his - if that was even possible & lev had spent every drop of his inhuman sweat to aid the forge's greatest keeper & yet it hadn't been enough. lev didn't hit hard enough, he didn't move fast enough, his shield wasn't strong enough. he'd failed again.

having to watch hephaestus' son struggle to even stand on his own two legs & being unable to help... helplessness & hopelessness had taken over to drain him. the sunken-in face would haunt him until the end of his days - although he reckoned he didn't have too many of those left anyway. the way his clothes had seemed like someone put an adult's clothes on a child - oversized when once upon a time nico had filled them to the brim. he'd had to watch him decay right in front of him & seemingly nothing he did helped. talk about feeling helpless.

magic exhausted - especially because lev still struggled with using it in the first place, the only option he'd seen was attack. not too uncommon a choice for lev - at least not to those who knew his true visage, which... he'd been quite determined to hide from camp. could his bloodlust-fueled rage aid them in their endeavors? likely. but once he opened that door... closing it again would require time. time they tended not to have unless he planned to skip town camp until he was stable enough to betake himself back into the presence of the others.

nico's damn near croak of a request had been the last straw. feeling the blacksmith's power flood his system had opened himself up to the monster living within him & so lev went for the kill.

"get the fuck outta here."

but he'd underestimated the damage down to him, had seemingly been too blinded by rage & fear to see that nico ... was not going anywhere - not without help. would he ever know if that decision was right? no. but ... he knew he should've picked the blacksmith up & he should've ran. they had the fairy, they had no reason to keep fighting. but they did. they'd been foolish to let it go this far, but then again ... lev couldn't say he'd ever witnessed magic like kira's. he'd had no idea what it would do in the long run - if it was permanent or just fleeting. all he'd known was .. that nico looked dead on his feet.

together they took the necromancer down - both of them & for a short while, when lev's spear broke through the tender flesh of her thigh, feeling the slosh & crunch of bone & meat reverberate through his spear... god, he didn't think he'd ever felt this good. as satisfaction flooded his body, endorphins singing high praise to his skill in that moment & lev, eager to dip his hands in blood again chose to end kira as she deserved. she came for his heart, he might as well take hers.

"don't. touch. what's. mine."

was nico his? fuck if he knew, but it felt like the right thing to say, because ... he wanted him to be. did he, though? or was that just fear speaking? the fear of never getting to find out what it was he truly wanted. how could he tell the difference? when their eyes met again & lev found himself watching her face distort into a crooked version of a smile ... he did halt - the pike of his spear hovering her ribcage, breaking skin as he pondered, but how else to break the spell?

⸺ how else could he save his heart?

negotiations with himself were always one-sided. where reason should take hold, rage & anger prevailed - common sense a faint memory. oh, he'd wished for luck, had sent a silent prayer his father's way. those fives seconds between her cryptic threat & the moment his spear's blade forced its way into her ribcage & heart - sweat pooling on his forehead with the sheer effort it took to overcome the resistance of her body's defenses... that moment of pure bliss.

oh, it didn't last.

her body melted, shimmered & lev would've proclaimed the sight beautiful if not for the explosion that followed. being closest to the source, he saw it first, saw the glow intensify & he knew something was wrong.

"...and i'm taking one of you along."

no. no fuckin' way. light on his feet despite the heavy armor, lev spun around, barging back towards the dumbass of a man the others called his boyfriend (they were far from boys, though - weren't they?), bringing himself between the son of the forge & the blast from the explosion, but he can see it hit him nonetheless. maybe... not as ....hard? could he ... was he... could he ... hope? hope was dangerous. after he came to again, having taken substantial damage himself, his body ... not quite his own anymore - he ... had to ... it was... aj had come to sit by his friend, nudging his leg, soft noises sounding on the otherwise silent battlefield.

he wasn't moving.

well done, number eight.

lev couldn't even recall who said it out loud, he couldn't even remember the words, all he could focus on was the lifeless body in front of him - battered & broken. those beautiful scotch-glazed hues he could lose himself in dark - the usual shine gone, lost to the underworld & it wasn't until storm rested her head against the side of his that lev realized what had just happened.

nico died.

he killed him.

fuckin' fitting. the one good thing in that dumpster fire of a life he called his own & he killed it. maybe he deserved it. maybe he wasn't supposed to experience happiness, maybe he wasn't meant to escape the darkness within him - maybe he was meant to drown in it & returning to camp - if for noble reasons, had been in vain.

they say fear doesn't shut you down, no - it wakes you up.

lev ... wasn't awake when he crawled over to him - nico had collapsed only an arm's length from him, arms that had lost girth for sure, though that was the least of lev's concerns right now.... arms carefully wrapped around the forge's child, pulled his limp body against his chest to hold him ...one last time.

why? what the fuck did he do? why couldn't it have been him?

running from emotional commitment for his entire life, lev never thought he'd find himself cradling a corpse to his chest, rocking on on his knees with actual tears glistening on his cheeks. butterfly effect. one tear led to another & his chest closed up - as did the muscles in his body in a very feeble attempt to hold back an ...impending inevitable sob. a lifetime of suppressed sorrow & hurt breaking free - against his will & there was absolutely nothing he could do about it. he tried. he couldn't believe it, couldn't fathom what just happened.

don't go, please. nico, you stupid fuckin' idiot, come back. i'm gonna let you work on your stupid toys till it's my turn, i promise. please, open your goddamn eyes. nico.

dad?

please, dad. get off your fuckin' high horse & do something. i think i love him. please don't let them take him. do something fuckin' useful for once in your shitty life. please.

did he care they were the center of attention most likely? not really. he .. couldn't even tell how long it took. he couldn't ... really remember, he just remembered calming down, sitting back on his haunches with the dumbass still in his arms, trying to wrap his head around what just happened, which was when he sucked in the biggest fuckin' breath ever. out of nowhere.

tears had dried by the time nico seemed to understand where he was, so lev.... loosened his grip a little. but not much. "you're so fuckin' stupid." forehead against the other's. he was cold & lev could swear nico still smelled like death, but he was breathing. everything else... they could fix. they'd find a way. it didn't matter. "don't you dare doin' that again." he'd kill him & then himself so he could haunt him through the underworld. lev wasn't afraid of death, if ... listening to his survival instinct more often than not.

"home."

[waterforlorn]

lev's prayer to poseidon #03

it'd been a little while since lev had taken the time to reach out to his godly parent. he'd already felt like he was bugging him when he asked for help the last time & part of him wondered if he should even have done it in the first place. didn't matter now though, because it was over & done, he didn't regret it & was quite sure he wouldn't, either.

it was early in the morning when lev set out for the beach again, he knew he could do this in the temple like the others, but he just ... felt like this was where he was closest to his father. yeah, still felt weird thinking about poseidon like that.

feet wet as shallow waves crashed against the shore where he was sat, he let the peace & quiet take over. "hey old man. don't think anybody figured out how much y'all even hear - or if y'all hear anythin' at all while you're ... held, but .. if you can.. jus'... know that i'm comin' for ya." he pushed back an incoming wave while in thought & sighed softly. "we're goin' for someone else first. all goes well an' i make it out 'live, i'll come for you. you helped me when i needed it an' i ain't forgettin' that. jus' hold on. don't let'm break you. we're gonna get you out."

he didn't come to ask for anything this time, not .. like he had done in the past. this little call was different, even though he had a request regardless in case his father could hear. "if you hear this, gimme a sign? if you can. i'd appreciate it." he knew the others didn't hear back, but .. he could try, right?

[waterforlorn]

lev's prayer to poseidon #02

lev couldn't believe he was - once again, attempting to converse with his ... well, the guy who's responsible for his existence, be that a good or a bad thing. lev couldn't tell most of the time. he went so many years without even thinking about reaching out, but .. he'd never had something - or someone to fight for. or worry about.

with a heavy heart, lev made his way to the beach again - this time it was the middle of the night, though, because he'd once again woken up in the middle of it & found himself unwilling to lay back down. he knew he might as well do this inside, but .. he'd felt the pull towards the water & what better way to do this, right? bare feet sinking into the sand damp with water from the subtle waves gently caressing the beach, lev sat himself down in the water, letting the familiar wetness soak into his clothes.

surrounded by what should feel like home & in moments like this it didn't, lev tried to focus on .. well, something. everything around him. "uh, hey. i ... know i said i wasn't gonna call you dad an' i meant it. sorry 'bout that ... lil' outbreak last time. i uh... kinda lost it a lil'." or a whole lot. "didn't really mean most of it. thanks for teachin' me that neat trick. don't think i ever got 'round to sayin' it." literally, a life saver. he hoped. "you're probably askin' yourself why i'm chattin' you up again. i know i know. thirty years nothin' and then i'm in your ears all the time." soft chuckle at himself, though he knew he was alone & the king of the seas wouldn't stop by to chuckle about a silly little joke that wasn't even a good one.

"uh.. y'know that guy i cursed at you 'bout? yeah. he's a fuckin' dumbass, but .. i uh, i mean - who'm i kiddin'. you heard he's important... to me. kinda. it's whatever. but uh, we're gonna head out soon t'save some ... elves? no fuckin' idea. told you he's a dumbass, so.. we're goin' t'gether an' uh... guess i'm... askin' for some help? probably gonna need a miracle, but .. we're both fightin' our asses off.. y'know? lil' help would go a long way. he keeps almost dyin' an' i'm stuck fuckin' watching. i finally found my light, help me keep it and stay alive?. listen, i got no clue what i'm askin' for.. just... i'll take anyhin' you got."

the urge to clasp his hands together in a little mock prayer was ... strong, but he didn't. instead, he lowered his hands off his lap & let them sink into the water beside him. he.. would just stay for a while. they weren't leaving until morning, so..

[waterforlorn]

lev's prayer to poseidon #01

lev hadn't bothered praying since he was a little boy. why bother when god wasn't listening anyway, right? finding out about his true heritage should've maybe changed the way he saw things, but other than confirming what he'd known in his heart for a long time, it really didn't & given that his true father had left him to rot in that hellhole lev called home even after finding out about his existence had pretty much ended that thought process for him a long, long time ago.

but now that he was back at camp & he'd heard others whisper about the blessings they received from their so-called parents, he couldn't help but wonder. poseidon had never really shown interest in him, which might have to do with his lack of talent for the way of water - or maybe it had been lev's determination to keep his distance.

either which way, being back at camp & finding himself actually worried for some of the kids (or brats) here... had him resort to something he never thought possible. legs somewhat crossed, bare feet partially in the sand at the beach & partially engulfed in water, he .. had no idea what to do really. "i ain't gonna call you dad, we're thirty years too late for that shit, but you're the reason i'm here and i'm gettin' the hang of that whole water crap i got from you, so that's ... good, i guess." did the others not find it weird, talking to themselves like that? who even knew if their so-called parents were listening?

"you uh, any chance you could help me out? i know you don't care. i don't need you to. i got decent damage goin' for myself. i'd prefer my old m4 carbine, though i doubt that'd do us well against all those mages we're facin'. anyway, you know any tricks for protection? shields, heals.. anythin' of that kind? feels like we never quite got enough of those goin' around. no idea if you're even listening, but i never asked for anythin' before, so... yeah, i guess that's it. no fuckin' idea how to end this. i'm just gonna go."

[waterforlorn]

day three. october 9th. 9:02am (it's crossed out a bunch of times)

we've been making slow progress with driving. i think nico doesn't like it, but he's too stubborn to tell me and thinks he's got to like .. do it for me cause he's the one taking me out on this ...trip or whatever. i don't mind slow progress, i always enjoyed long drives, i always felt free on the road - always moving with no end in sight. yeah, it's a pretty good feeling actually. i almost forgot how much i enjoyed it.

i'll ask him later if he wants me to drive for a while, but he said he has some place in mind for today, so i'm .. letting him. as for emotions and thoughts. doing pretty well. a little restless, i guess, but what else is new. it's been a bit rough, but i'm holding on. i think nico's helping even though he isn't doing anything specific. but with him i feel .. calmer. it almost feels like i can control the urge.

not forever, though. i can feel it scratching inside me, begging to be released. i'm not giving up, though. not for now, not for a while i hope. i know my resolve is gonna falter at some point, but i hope that by then we'll be away from people so i can't hurt anybody. actually.. right now would be okay. it's just us on this long-ass fucking road for miles. although... i dunno if letting go's gonna fix the issue, never really did that, did it?

i remember that little fuckwad carter in school thinking that his height gave him the right to push other kids around. other kids being me. the little boy who always sat alone and not ONCE got to unpack lunch in school cause my mom never fucking MADE any for me. she didn't even think about it, or what it meant for me in school. cause kids notice these things. a kid coming to school with bruises, no lunch and second-hand clothes? pfffht. fuck her. took me a few weeks to get vengeance on him, but ... yeah, i'd do it again. but the voice never quite shut up, not for long. he had to get stitches when i was done with him. he never dared fucking touching me again.

but the calm lasted for like what? a day? it wasn't even always me looking for trouble. it always found me regardless. kind of a little like now, only that i signed up for it this time. fuck, no idea why i'm thinking about all that shit, or writing it down even. nobody's business but mine.

guess i'm just tired of fighting it. i do miss the army. every. single. day. sure, camp's ... fine and i wouldn't do much different if i got a second chance, but army was simple. do or die. fucking sarge johnson saved my life, i wonder what happened to him. wonder if he ever looked for me to see if i stuck to his program. i did. i am. mostly. i try. i can't just drop a mission mid-way for meditation, or lunch - or training, but i AM trying my best. i don't think nico realizes how bad it's looking inside me. i'm not sure how to tell him.

i suppose part of me is still hoping i won't have to. i also don't want him to feel guilty. it wasn't HIS fault he triggered it. it's my fault for being unable to fucking control myself. which only shows in how i keep hoping one of the cars passing us stops - or for someone to stop us. cops. anybody. how badly i want one of them to challenge me so i can let go. fuck. i've been fine for so long. why the fuck am i so restless lately? nico helps, but i can't rely on him for every minute of the damn day.

ugh anyway. emotions, thoughts. blah.

emotions... i'm annoyed at myself. thoughts? we've left the interstate and nico said we're taking a detour. wonder what he's up to, but he won't say. we're gonna sleep in some motel in minnesota tonight. safe to say i'm curious. no doubt it's gonna be something sappy. but i'm kinda waiting for it.

[waterforlorn]

— day two. october 8th. 8:16 am.

i won't keep writing down the time i write my entries, i think. i'm used to it, cause i always write my entries at the same time - or close to it, but i don't want to force myself to do it this time. don't know when i'll have the time. like, i ... think it's time to allow exceptions in the schedule without beating myself up over them. if that makes sense? i know i'm just writing this down and nobody's gonna read it but me, but i'm asking myself for permission i guess.

some days i wonder if i should pop in with the doc again and drop the fifty journals i've got sitting in my drawer off. but do i want a stranger reading my thoughts and shit again? nah. i ain't some angry kid anymore, or a soldier. only reason i ever allowed it was because it was that or early retirement from the army and i'm not sure where i'd be if they hadn't forced me into it. that and the schedule. i'm grateful and i'm not planning to drop it entirely, i know i can't. i need it. it's the only thing keeping me in line.

I KNOW THAT.

i feel it every day. the hunger. the rage. i thought that maybe if i just stuck to routine, if i kept the rage locked away for long enough and maybe beat up some shitheads.. that it'd go away. that one day i'd be free, but i guess i won't ever be. i'm close to halftime, this vacation only reminded me of that. do i see myself doing this forever? camp and fighting? i used to. but not anymore. though... i'm afraid what happens if i turn my back on everything. what if i no longer have an outlet? i keep telling nico i'm looking forward to retiring with him and living life in peace in new rome, but i don't know if i can.

i need something to channel the anger into. like, something to pour it all into before it consumes me. meditation and routine can only do so much. i wanna tell him i worry, but how? how could i possibly tell him? or anybody? i don't get how others can just throw their thoughts at others without hesitation. maybe i'm broken or something. but i wouldn't even know where to start or how to explain. nico isn't supposed to know about my struggles. i'm not sure how he'd take it. i know i should've told him before we did more than fucking, but i didn't realize we'd get there before it was too late.

still don't get how that even happened. doesn't matter now, i don't regret it. i wouldn't change anything if i got another chance to ...deal with nico. don't see no reason why i should. i ain't unhappy. not at all. NOPE.

guess driving brings out the rambler in me. 2 pages in and i haven't even stated what i should've.

my day, emotions, thoughts.

it's still early. it's ten, we picked up some food in a diner on the highway and we're just driving again now. yesterday was good. we crashed at some motel, nico got us a room with just one bed and the receptionist's jaw dropped. not that i mind sharing a bed. we've been doing it for a long time now. i'd not even consider sleeping in separate beds. fuck that idea. the night was ... pretty good. as most nights are with him. i got no complaints.

although, i do wonder if nico actually has a place in mind or if we're driving through the country aimlessly until he sees a place he likes, which ... would be madness. right? yeah. he did say we're gonna be driving for a day or two more, but he had an idea for a stop on the way.

WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE DRIVING?

i've asked him and all but got no reply so far. so i guess i gotta be patient. shouldn't be that big a problem, right? i mean patience has never been one of my virtues, but i learnt... yeah. i learnt. i think my day's not gonna be much different from yesterday. it's just gonna be driving, food, sleep.

as for emotions, i'm doing okay if we're ignoring that outburst up top. guess i just worry nico doesn't like what he sees once he gets to know ...me. he knows more than most but with how busy we've been in camp, i've had options to hide myself. sometimes. now i won't. we'll be with each other all day. i can't bear the thought of life without him anymore. SO STUPID. what the hell is wrong with me lately?

which brings me to emotions again i guess. fear. i'm afraid? I GUESS. it's been a few days since i dreamt of the forest, but when i did, it sucked. i know it's in the past and i don't wanna think about that day anymore, but sometimes it just haunts my dreams. a lot less than it used to, though.

as for thoughts... uh. all of the above i guess. i dunno. i don't WANNA think as much as i do. i wanna enjoy this while it lasts. when we get back, shit's gonna hit the fan again and i'm gonna spend my days worrying about my the MY idiot again, so until then.. i guess i'm triyn got cut back on the thinking part.

the weather out's pretty good. it's warm, the sun's smiling down on us and it's shorts weather honestly. we had ice cream yesterday, i forgot to mention. can't remember when i had ice cream last. or ever. like i'm a kid. i liked it though. we're gonna find a steakhouse for dinner today cause i said i want to and nico's in.

i hope the kids are alright. i could text, i know. but again. DISTANCE. i wanna enjoy the break and focus only on nico vacation. it's gonna be fine so long as he and i are together, right?

[waterforlorn]

09-06-1998

⸺ growing up, lev never thought he'd live long enough to attend high school - or graduate, never thought he'd find reason to live beyond fists & blood, always expecting to find his demise on the unfun side of a fight & boy, there were many of those, but he never ....bit the dust. some would call it goddamn fucking luck, lev called it misfortune, a cruel joke & nothing more.

camp halfblood tried its hardest to ease the pain & tame the wild child as lev had been deemed by those who had been supposed to protect him along the long, rocky way of his life. so-called authority figures. spineless imbeciles.

when lev - surprisingly, did make it past high school somewhat ..intact, the only place he'd ever felt heard or seen & remotely happy had been camp halfblood, but even while he stayed there - seemingly permanently... lev struggled, so he ran & got recruited by the us military.

lev got caught in a fight on the street, nineteen & hating the world & everybody in it - everybody earned his wrath & lashing out at others had been the only way lev knew how to function. how else could he keep the anger at bay? nobody knows the true reason as to why lev signed up with the military, but it was that or ...charges.

turned out the army was the best thing to ever happen to lev, better than finding out the reason he always felt out of place wasn't his fault & better than finding a home at camp. in the military he found something much more important.

stability.

he was diagnosed with dmdd disruptive mood dysregulation disorder & for the very first time in his life lev felt seen & heard. medication, therapy & most importantly - routine pretty much saved his life. he found family in his platoon & peace within him.

lev spent the majority of his life rejecting his heritage, although he's eased into the poseidon part over the summer spent in camp - up to a point of calm acceptance. everything else, though? not worth his time. denying it happened would be futile, but lev rejects it. everything, including his mother tongue.

that tattoo was not his first tattoo, but it was definitely the first with a meaning & a very important one, too. lev was (re-)born that day. he wouldn't have made it this far in life without, would've likely ended up bleeding out in some back alley with only his rage for company without ever knowing what hope felt like.

but alas..

[waterforlorn]

tag dump

* . ⊹  ᴡᴀᴛᴇʀ ғᴏʀɢᴇᴅ. › ❨ lev. ❩

* . ⊹  ɪ'ᴠᴇ ɢᴏᴛ ᴀ ᴠɪᴏʟᴇɴᴛ ʜᴇᴀʀᴛ › ❨ isms. ❩

* . ⊹  ᴛʜᴇ ᴘᴀsᴛ ʜᴀᴜɴᴛs ᴜs ᴀʟʟ › ❨ headcanon. ❩

* . ⊹  ʜᴀʀᴅ ᴡᴏʀᴋ ᴀʟᴡᴀʏs ᴘʀᴇᴠᴀɪʟs › ❨ bodyclaim. ❩