#*unevenly done scifi

[badromancebullsquid]

whats ur new oc idea 😋

OHOHOHOHOHOOHOHOH.

I don't know what possessed me so strongly to do this. But.

A character who lost someone important to them and never ever got through it. This loss impacts them so tremendously in their day-to-day that they've become someone else in avoidance of it. They are always stuck grieving. They are forever driven by this loss in such unhealthy ways.

[artifactsweshared]

well, it’s late again and i have tabs open and letters unfinished. 

i think it’s easy to forget - well, not forget - but be distracted in this world. i think it’s the hardest thing about all the technology, all the constant pull for your mind span. i am all for humanity advancing but i often question how much of our humanity we are advancing. i would say technology has helped us gain a greater consciousness and propelled certain critical dialogues. but i would also say that the sheer amount of time we spend being distracted and generally feeling insecure has a net negative effect.

i think a lot about this because i live in the heart of technologyland and i was born so far away from it. i was raised on sprinklers in the yard and bike rides as dusk fell and sheer grand imagination. i had time. i did not have a smartphone until i graduated college, which, to be honest, blows my mind. i used to resent it, like, gee, maybe i would be making 250K if i had just started coding when i was 10. but, at 10, i was reading and playing imaginary fantasy scifi land games with my sister, and board games with my dad on the weekend and going to the library or the bookstore or roller skating on my driveway. i remember so many slow, beautiful moments, it’s strange, how much i yearned to escape them at the height of my adolescence, but how now, i find comfort in them. 

i suppose it is growth, a change in perspective. it is also a realization of what matters. i think my soul is old (people have told me this) and even though i look young i feel i already lived many lives and so i know that we have a short time and we must make the most of it.

i go back and forth on this confidence thing. i am confident in myself, in that, i know what i care about, i always knew. i know what i want to make and create - to bring some beauty, to be a light to others. of course, i want to have a massive platform so i can spread my light to more people. the issue is, i have too much moral righteousness to sell my body out on instagram. i’m conflicted b/c instagram has democratized exposure and access, but in fields where i think there wasn’t such an issue from the get go. do we need more models in the world to make us all feel bad? do real people who would benefit most from visibility benefit as much from this democratization? i would say no. the benefits of any advancement are always unevenly distributed.

that is not to say i am hopeless, in fact, hopeful. and i hope that my life’s work, i can stand behind and say, yes, i did a little to help bring more access and opportunity to people who didn’t have it, and it helped them see the potential and hope in themselves. often in places where people are most lacking in home and self-belief. i am drawn to this narrative because i relate to it personally. i guess there is a world where i am a huge billionaire and then i do the work but it seem such a fake and selfish way to live. i believe we can all be lights for one another, in fact, we have a responsibility to be.

the truth is, these notions of reality often feel misaligned with where i live and am and the industry i work in and that is why i feel such great conflict in me. i fancy myself moving to a smaller city - one with art and culture of course (say, NOLA) and just being on one for a while, maybe a creative director / someone who helps local businesses get set up and think about scaling (if they want to). i think the tangible impact of my work would be far higher than scaling x tech company to more markets or having 100m digital people use my product. is that odd? perhaps i just define impact differently, in terms of people, not users.

these thoughts and realizations scare me, of course. they are contrarian, sure, but really, they’re just mine. i have a view of the life i want to live and it doesn’t look much like the lives i see here. it’s not to say i don’t want $$$$$$$$ (all the moneys), i mean, i do, and i realistically believe in myself to attain it, but money affords stability affords time. and it is time and space and being stable enough to not do anything that lets us be most creative. it’s not the only way. i mean i can hustle to get it done, is what i do. but i think the most important light source for me is my creativity and my connection to the world, that is just my own. the feeling i get when i write, when i get a vision in my head, i mean, that stuff is magic

i think i have it, the owning of my own self fully and not giving fucks about the rest. i mean sometimes we need to create our own worlds of beauty and we also need to invite people in. i think i struggle when i feel like i have to check off certain boxes to get my vision to where it wants to be. i could work on culture and community stuff for the rest of my life and be happy. do some art installations, collaborative projects with cooks and creators and brands. 

i find this time challenging because i know what i want to do, honestly, with so much confidence, i know if i could just do it full time, i’d kill it. but i am realistic and i know that it’s smarter financially and career wise to wait. but i can feel a change coming in 2018 and i am excited for it. 

the other thing is, i still believe these young years are the time to play and to live and to be present and in love. people talk about youth and ephemerality but do they live in the moment? do they surrender themselves to the pure joy of being alive and feeling all the things? i don’t know. i think a lot of us just talk now but not to each other.