#- and because she shares his view on duncan being a particularly good person (for different reasons)

[potatoesandsunshine]

origins has a hold on me...

[jamesginortonblog]

"More than just being a warm, affable, effusive and generous man, Stephen was also peculiar. He was eccentric. He had a sinister side and a sad side to him, and that makes for an interesting character to play, with all his vulnerability and layers."

James Norton

What was it about Amanda Coe’s scripts that made you want to take on this role?

I was lucky enough to work with Amanda Coe on a previous project called Life In Squares, which was about the Bloomsbury set and had a similar biopic feel about it. I loved that job and had an amazing time playing Duncan Grant, who oddly has certain similarities to Stephen Ward. There’s a certain warmth and lust for life which they both shared.

Working with Amanda on that job was a complete pleasure, and one knows that when you have that much of a good time on a job it’s because of the quality of the writing. So when I heard that Amanda was writing this, and then the scripts landed on my desk, I knew already that I was in for a treat. As far as the project and tone itself, I guess what makes this show unique is that it is from Christine’s point of view. That makes it special and very timely. It’s no secret that she had various incarnations of her story and it became quite confusing and hard to pin down the final truth. So to have Amanda’s thorough intensive research and work, (she is so attentive and so knowledgeable about the period), but also having a personal angle from Christine, it all makes for a very special script.

What was it about Stephen Ward that attracted you to the part, and do you think this drama will show Ward in a different light?

Playing Stephen and having the opportunity to delve into this man’s mind was the key draw for me for this project. There are extraordinary people involved in this story and I think if you were to meet Stephen Ward now you would be entirely seduced by him and want more of his company. Being in Stephen’s presence was a treat, and something his friends really hankered after once they’d had a taste of it. But, more than just being a warm, affable, effusive and generous man, Stephen was also peculiar, and those are the most interesting people to play. Stephen was eccentric but he also had a sinister and sad side to him and that again makes for an interesting character to play, with all his vulnerability and layers.

What sort of man was he?

One can’t escape the fact that he did groom young women, and that is inexcusable. But why did he do that, and what it did for him is also what's interesting. I could talk about Stephen for hours, but in one of the very first rehearsals Andrea the director really piqued my interest by saying, in her opinion, the heart of Stephen Ward is his obsession with female power. His voyeurism and peculiar sexual appetite are the things that make him this fascinating, weird and unique man. His was a fascination with femininity.

Some would argue that Stephen’s actions actually removed the girls’ power, but perhaps he was empowering them? Do you agree?

Often in dramas, people are very quick to categorise their characters as a way of simplifying things. So you have the hero and the villain and the lover and the victim. The thing about Stephen is that he is, like everyone, in that grey messy area in between. There is no doubt that he did manipulate young girls like Christine and Mandy, and part of it was for his own gain: he was a social climber and he was always hankering after acceptance and being allowed into the Gentleman’s Club. His ticket wasn’t his heritage or his money, it was partly his talent as an osteopath and his career.

He was also known as a man about town, and everyone knew that at Stephen’s house there would be parties and young women and a good time. So, on the one hand you have that slightly manipulative and more sinister side to him, but then on the other hand there is this incredible warmth and generosity of spirit - a man that Amanda has really found in the pen. A paternal man, a loving man who wanted the best for people and saw the best in people, and that’s such a key trait that we often don’t see enough of. He gave people the benefit of the doubt. Most of these women would have been rejected by society, but Stephen, for better or for worse, recruited them and found the best in them and empowered them. It’s a complicated dilemma as on the one hand it was exploitation but on the other it was empowerment.

Can you set the scene as the scandal unfolded? It seems like it was the perfect storm.

It’s 1963 and the counterculture revolution was happening, and there was a tremendous clash of temperament and attitude. Stephen, Christine and Mandy were in the middle of that storm. What makes Stephen so admirable and exciting is that he was a trailblazer. He was brave and individual enough to know whom he was and express himself from a very early age. There is this wonderful line where he says to Christine: "You know I’ve always lived the way I want to live, and you can too little baby. You just have to keep to the odd rule, but as long as you know who you are, and have the confidence to express yourself, then go for it.”

That type of motivation is so seductive and empowering. I think a culture like we have today would have allowed Stephen to be himself. He was born in the wrong time and his expression and sense of individuality was deeply frowned upon and ultimately stamped out. When you have that clash and conflict in society it makes such an interesting context for any story and within that conflict and cultural war zone, Stephen is on the front line.

Did you do a lot of your own research for this part? Did you feel a greater sense of responsibility in playing a real life part?

There is always a responsibility when you play a real person. Not only do you have the responsibility to the family and friends who knew Stephen Ward, but you also have, most importantly, responsibility to him. There are many accounts of Stephen’s character in the public domain, but as an actor you have to find whatever shared ground you and the character have in order to make the portrayal real and authentic.

A lot of information about Stephen is still locked up for some reason - the government hasn't come to share it with the public yet and no one knows why, but there are enough books out there on him that helped me formulate a sense of him. Production created this incredible pack that was so informative. It helped me to get a slight sense of the individual and the unique tone and temperament he had.

I always say that as an actor you have a responsibility to love the person you’re playing. You have to find true empathy, otherwise you will always stand slightly outside of their actions and you won't ever be able to fully invest in their choices. That is what has been so exciting for me. With all the accounts, and the letters that he wrote and the transcripts of the conversations he had, there is a version of this man’s soul, but it’s always slightly out of reach.

What is the relationship between Stephen Ward and Christine Keeler?

When Stephen meets Christine she is 17, has just moved to London and is working in Murray’s Jazz & Cabaret Club. When Stephen arrives in her life Christine’s assumption is that he is a sugar daddy, and of course he is not, he is something entirely different and that is what initially draws Christine to him. It’s partly to do with his self-promotion into the society that he aspires to be a part of, but there is a paternal element to him, particularly where Christine is concerned.

Christine always maintained they never had a sexual relationship, yet he found something extraordinarily endearing and majestic about her, and that’s essentially the foundation for this whole story. It’s what he sees in her when she is this young 17 year-old - she has a power and femininity which she exudes, which he wants to be a part of. It’s such an extraordinary and complex relationship to excavate, and that's what actors crave!

Why is now the right time to tell this story from Christine’s point of view?

It makes total sense for this story to be told from Christine’s point of view. We know what it was like to be a man in the 1960s. We know all about the old boys' clubs, but we don’t know what it was like for a young woman. She was part victim, part trailblazer and an icon of the 1960s. She ultimately was a victim of men like Stephen Ward and John Profumo, who exploited a teenage girl into having sex.

This is a story about a young woman who is the catalyst for change, and so it has to be from her point of view and it has to be told by women. We have an almost entirely female crew - our writer, director, producer, executive producer, costume designer and hair and make-up designer are all women and it’s completely intuitive and completely makes sense. This is an iconic story about a young woman told from a female point of view as it should be, led by women and it is a wonderful thing. I’m immensely proud to be part of this and to be telling Christine’s story from her point of view in an uncomplicated and honest way.

This story is about a very British scandal, but how does a story like this travel?

Britain at that time was very much at the centre of a cultural revolution. People care about our cultural heritage, our music, film and storytelling and fashion. I think the reason this story continues to intrigue people is that these types of scandals like Watergate or Marilyn Monroe and the Kennedys, or the Profumo /Keeler scandal were all events that changed the course of history and they always make for the most interesting viewing.

[batgirl-87]

Get to know MC/Jacob (I can't remember which you've answered apparently, so hopefully these are new): 4, 6, and 21

If these are for the Talk About Your MC and Jacob Asks by @cokebottlesanddenim then no I have not answered those ones! (Even if I had I appreciate the ask regardless; and if they’re for my MC and Jacob Asks umm… I’d suggest checking my Masterlist where I have an Ask section) 

Thank you for asking! =)

4. Is Jacob physically and/or mentally different after he is released from the Vaults? How does he change?

So I am about halfway through Year 5 I think? I know I’m still way behind everyone else but I haven’t heard of any confirmation that Jacob is actually in the last Vault??? But I could be wrong and missed it… 

I’ve always had the idea that I prefer for my version of Jacob where he agrees to join the Cabal with a plan to take them out from the inside and do his best to stop them from hurting more people, primarily his family, and gaining more power while acting as a loyal member. (Plus I don’t know if I believe the voice MC hears is really Jacob and not the Cabal manipulating her to open the last Vault for them) I won’t go into my whole idea for it right now because I’m going to try my best to not make this too long, but - while it’s not the same as being trapped in a Vault, I do believe going undercover would affect him. Especially what he might of had to go through to prove he’s loyal to them and be accepted into their cult.

So like most version’s of Jacob he’d need some time to recover and recuperate. He could have gone through physical torture and been forced to do some terrible things, such as harm others, to prove himself to the Cabal, as well as endure emotional manipulation. And for my Jacob who tries to protect others, having to hurt others would really cause him a lot of internal conflict. Even if he’s not the one doing the harm, just sitting back and allowing other members of the Cabal to hurt and possibly kill others would not sit well with him - that’s not the type of person he is! While he’s trying to do something good and save others, particularly his family, to do that he has to do some bad things and hurt others which can make him concerned that he is becoming this bad person like the other Cabal members and losing himself. There would be a lot of internalized guilt, which he already had plenty of because of Duncan, and now this. 

Physical torture he can handle (Quidditch is a tough sport and it’s on him and not happening to anyone else where he would feel he needs to help them and stop it, and he can heal from the physical damage) but having to hurt others or constantly have his family threatened, questioning his own morals and values and what type of person he is and wants to be and who he’s possibly becoming, would be what really affects him and sticks with him and would be something he’d have to deal with probably for the rest of his life. Over time it may not affect him daily but I think there would be moments and situations that would trigger that trauma for him and cause him to question again what type of person he really is based on how he reacted or thought about reacting or reminded him of what he had done. 

I feel like there would also be a constant fear in the back of his mind that there would still be a member or some members of the Cabal left after everything who would find him and hurt his family to get back at him for what he did to them. So the normally super chill Jacob would have a lot more anxiety, though he’d still hide it well, and the already protective Jacob would become even more protective and even paranoid at times.

And if he is in the Vault I feel like a lot of this will still stand because he did have to do some things he’s not proud of to find the Vaults and dealt with the Cabal. (I hope that all makes sense, I wrote this late last night =p)

6. What’s Jacob’s opinions of Prefects, especially the ones 4 years older than MC?

I don’t think Jacob thinks much of Prefects… Not like he thinks little of them, but like he doesn’t really think of them…ever… =p Listen, he’s going to do what he wants to do, when he wants to, and some kid who’s a few years older than him isn’t going to boss him around or punish him. Seriously, a kid like three years older than him has all this authority over him? No. He probably views Prefects like Percy the Prefect. Annoying, false sense of great authority, and he’ll just rolls his eyes, ignore them, and if they continue to nag he’ll shove them aside. Or down the stairs. He probably told them to shut up too. And if the Prefect went to the Head of House or some Professor to get him in trouble they would receive a terrifying death glare from him and most likely quickly learn to never do that again or else face his wrath. But as long as they didn’t let the power of being a Prefect go to their heads and treat him poorly and disrespectfully, he’d be fine with them.

Clearly Jacob also was not on track to become a Prefect, nor would he want to be one anyway. He doesn’t want to be bossed around but he also doesn’t want to boss others around and punish them for doing… whatever (if he ever did become Prefect he’d be the most chill Prefect ever! - Literally does not care =p) Also he clearly was not Quidditch Captain but there are other reasons for that =p

As for what he thinks about the Prefects we all know and love…

Chester needs sleep (obviously); Felix seems cool; Angelica and Jacob never had any issues and she seemed to understand and respect his wishes to not be bossed around and treated lesser than because she had a badge and he didn’t (and she apparently had a crush on him?!?!) so he respected her back and tried not to cause her too much grief - it’s all about mutual respect; And Jane… that’s probably the only one he actually feared (although who knows if he’d admit that or not) and would do his best to avoid at all costs and would never want to cross her because she’s the only one who would be immune to his death glare! =p

(I know Jacob in the game is in the same house as you but my version of Jacob is a Gryffindor while my MC is a Slytherin)

21. Would MC/Jacob prefer to live in the lively, populated city or the quiet, sparse countryside?

Jacob would prefer the quiet countryside, but he knows if he wants to play Quidditch professionally he’ll have to live in a populated city to do so since that’s where the teams are! However, after he makes enough money (I assume professional Quidditch players would make a lot like professional athletes do…) he’d buy a second house in the quieter countryside, next to or in some woods, but also nearby to a town where he could get food, go out to eat and get a drink, and such of course, where he’d live during the offseason. 

As for my MC, she would prefer the livelier city. She needs things to do, she needs places to go that are open late =p While she does love to escape to a quieter place like Jacob’s second home or Charlie’s place in Romania, she couldn’t live there full time. She’d get restless and bored and need action - she needs action! (This probably all stems from her needing to keep busy so she can never have a moment to sit and allow all the stress and emotions over her situation with the Vaults and Jacob and Beatrice and the Cabal and her O.W.L.s etc. to overwhelm her, so if she doesn’t keep busy then overwhelming emotions come flooding in and she can’t handle it! And now she probably has no idea how to relax =p) 

After she graduates Hogwarts she would become a Curse-Breaker with Bill in Egypt and live there with him but also visit Charlie in Romania, and London, and her brother and family in Canada, and the Burrow, and other friends as often as she can, and even after Bill retires as a Curse-Breaker she would still bounce around from his house, 12 Grimmauld Place, Charlie’s place, and Jacob’s so instead of having one place of residence she’d always have at least 3-4. 

I always thought the Dragon Sanctuary in Romania had a quaint little town nearby with a pub and market and as cute as it probably is (in my mind it is anyway =p) and as peaceful as Charlie’s place is, while it’s a great place for her to recover and relax because constantly breaking curses or doing other dangerous jobs clearly requires some down time, she would go stir crazy if she had to be there all the time and may try to start a pub fight for some excitement (plus as mentioned she has some issues and maladaptive coping techniques). But it seems like a great, perfect place for Charlie! And it’s sort of like a special serene retreat for her when she visits and may even be viewed as a peaceful, calm future for her and a life she could have, but for now she needs more action and liveliness (plus getting to share a home with Charlie is a huge bonus =p)

I also think with just her own personal issues she has, she feels like she doesn’t really deserve to relax or be happy all the time so she wouldn’t live with Charlie all the time. She’d start to get too comfortable then worry that something bad was going to happen, she’s going to do something to ruin it, or she doesn’t deserve to be this relaxed and happy! So she has to go now. Love you, bye! =p So it really is like a special reward, like after doing a job and now she deserves to relax and be happy for awhile but then she’ll have to go do something else to deserve going back - does that make sense? Plus, like Jacob, she wants to help others and she wants to make a difference so she can’t just sit back and not get involved! She can’t be kicking back in Romania with Charlie and the dragons when shit is going down! She has to help and protect them (and then Sirius, Tonks, Remus, and Fred would live because she would save them! But even other times not involved with the war she would feel the same way).

Whoops, this kind of went off on a tangent so to simplify, Jacob - quiet countryside, Keira - lively city (with relaxing vacation in the quiet countryside =p).

[ts-akhmim]

Episode 3 | “It does not look good for our tribe. Honestly, we suck... Really bad. ” - Duncan

The way I absolutely flopped at that puzzle… this is why I’m a Beauty cause a sis ain’t smart to complete a puzzle and I’m not brawn-y enough to do well in a challenge hgjfdk BUT that being said, Hagthor beat the thots and apiss and I couldn’t be any happier! I do wish Brawn lost over Brain but yknow, you can’t have everything go your way (‘: it’s funny how I slayed the last challenge and flopped this one tho like a bitch really lacks consistency huh ghfjndmks

Heading into a second tribal council, there is becoming less and less room to hide. I am struggling to hold my own against the other tribes when it comes to competitions, but thank goodness it's a numbers game. If everything goes accordingly, I am taking a backseat this vote and allowing a 4-2 vote out when it comes to Trace. I appreciated Duncan coming to me with the alliance chat information with him/Scott/Trace/Isaac, but didn't like how Autumn needed to tell me first. Shows that I really can't trust Scott/Duncan after a swap comes up. In regards to Scott, he outright didn't say anything. I like him and all, but it was a slimy move to say the least. He only said something because he HAD to vote out someone in one of his two alliances. This group will be dumb as hell if they let me swap. I'll flip on them as soon as possible and invite anyone into my alliance. The tribe swap is where I made my 'Slithers' game infamous last time, so I'm hoping for a similar output. Don't forget: I swapped with the minority last time in Guyana (shout out to Jess), so I'm not worried about the numbers and how its split. ALL I NEED IS A SWAP OR TWIST. GET ME OUT OF HERE. 

Wow we’re really flopping this challenge huh! I really hate this as a group challenge bc we wasted so much time believing in an algorithm that doesn’t even work! 

okay so i again filmed a video confessional while walking the dog which i WILL eventually upload i promise hosts BUT. this challenge was literally torture, staring at the excel spreadsheet was so draining. TJ did so much work for it so I really really hope we win he is so sweet i was real mean to him at the start for truly no reason NNN i really really want the beauty tribe to go to to tribal, or the brains lot again i guess? i dont really wanna go to tribal even though i think Liam M is the easy vote? i'd rather not. i just feel really drained after that challenge i wish this confessional was even a little bit exciting im sorry hosts

i feel like i underappreciated dan as an ally?! the more i talk to him its like hmmm we vibe and we have similar energy? like i get very different but good energies from all of dan, jake and jordan! which i love, like i feel really good about them all. like what's reassuring about dan (and this sounds weird) is he feels fine complaining about others to me in pms? like jake does the same and that makes me feel really reassured trust wise - like i would never talk negatively about another player to someone i distrusted tbh... so i feel really good about that! i feel like particularly in a maybe swap i'll really bond with whoever i get to swap with even MORE. idk i just feel good about this brawn tribe still i don't want to GOOO.

okay so yesterday was... eventful! i watched the sequester mini with jake which was super fun and then right after... he cracked the tomb and i decided to tell jake about my idol. have i had it since day two? yes. but i told him i found it during the mini so i wouldnt seem sus. i dont regret my decision (so far at least anyway JKASD) because a) he cracked the tomb and immediately told me b) i think he is loyal and particularly since i told him i can and will idol him like i dont think he has incentive to leak my idol unless it comes down to lategame and he wants to blindside me but i don't see myself being able to hold onto the idol until that stage anyway! but yeah so jake knows about my idol so i'm hoping i can use it to my benefit, or to save him because i'm really invested in his success this season. maybe we are gonna be the two brawns at the end woo and tony style even tho i think i'm probs the woo nnnnn

Trace went home and that is yet another potential connection I could’ve had in the game GONE… like the Brains really wanna see me flop huh! It’s interesting that it was 4-2 vote tho like it has my overthinking self spiraling lowkey. I do really feel for the Brains having to lose twice though like I’ve been on a flop tribe before and morale is always low so my heart goes out to them and I hope they beat Brawn xoxo 

This challenge? Literal homophobia! Like I love unscrambled eggs and I want my eggs cracked by VARIOUS men but this was not what I had in mind (‘: this challenge being my alliance + AJ is interesting as well considering that AJ was the one person I haven’t established a game connection with but I do really like him. In a way, I do think him participating in this challenge is the best thing that could’ve happened to his game since it allows him to build more connections with others? That being said, Connor on the other hand… is disappointing me in a way like the king isn’t talking much or doing much. If he has personal stuff to attend to, I completely get it and he should focus on that first but I do wanna know so I don’t assume he disappeared yknow (‘: but oh well !!!

I do think me honing in on the fact that Kendall and I are two peas in a pod in this game has her really thinking that which is awesome! I do adore that girl but I gotta keep an eye out (for Selener). She did tell me that her goals this round include the following 1) Set up an alliance with us + Austin, 2) Get AJ to be our alliance’s fake 5th, and 3) Get out Adam. While I am glad she told me all of this, I’m just very cautious of her connections? Austin and I are super close and he likes her, that’s fine. My thing is with AJ because while we were calling, I did pick up on the fact that those two have played before and whatnot so who knows. I’m just a naturally stressed person so ye !!! I do really like Adam though so I hope we don’t lose at all (‘:

I hate myself for being on a call for 9 hours in this game ghjfkdls but that being said, I do genuinely love everyone on this tribe and the thought of losing makes me super emo because I feel close to every person here in one way or another. It’s a dilemma too because us winning this challenge would be ideal but if we do win and Brawn goes to tribal, the Beauty Tribe becomes public enemy number one in a swap scenario because why wouldn’t the other tribes wanna get rid of the tribe that has the most members yknow? It’s a nail-biter regardless ;-; 

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1fpSJvDJxy38LcRI4MjwzIa64zT_tytXC/view?usp=sharing

So I'm not surprised that we lost AGAIN! Lowkey I feel like I did everything during this challenge so not only do I feel more defeated, but I'm annoyed that not too many people contributed. Like I have to constantly ask people how they're doing in the challenge, and they provide me with NOTHING!! And I'm tired of voting people out :/ Anyways, I feel like voting out Isaac is a dumb move for my game going forward, because Duncan/Autumn are clearly a duo. Duncan even said to me that he wouldn't mind voting out Devon if we needed too. If we don't swap next round and lose again, I have the feeling Duncan and Autumn are going to try and pit Devon and I against each other. I like to think they'd choose me over Devon since I don't have any connections to anyone. The smart move would be for them to utilize Isaac and blindside me, but I like to think they wouldn't be doing that anytime soon. I feel bad voting out Isaac because I know how much he hated being booted early in Malaysia. So to do that to him again is really sad to me. I would try to convince Devon to split up Autumn/Duncan, but he's all about the 4 going forward. Everyone is and as much as I love the 4, that type of game is boring. Idk maybe my style of gameplay is different than theirs. If I see that I'm in a sinking ship, I make sure to grab a life vest and swim to another boat. I don't sit on the boat and say "okay, time to drown now". Luckily none of them know me for the numerous times that I've flipped on alliances before. If we do swap next round, my plan is to remain loyal to whichever brain is on my tribe. However, this won't stop me from trying to make connections with people from other tribes and making new alliances. If I need to ditch my brains to solidify trust with my new tribe, then that is exactly what I am going to do. In the event that I do leave tomorrow, this game was fun! After being out of the tumblr survivor community for 3 years, I don't think I'd come back for a future org/season because the amount of stress i've been in this past week is more than I've endured with online learning since corona came to town. Idk I wouldn't be surprised if a #blindside came my way.

it's only day 7 and we havent even been to tribal yet and we STILL arent going because we won again, and im already going off the deep end like am i crackedt?? what the hell is happening on this tribe like am i the quiet one or is there just a collective quiet going on since we're just sliding through the game rn?? im not gonna lie it's kinda boring... it's getting weird.....the fact that there's an idol just looming around and someone has it and isnt telling me is making me crazy, and then to make me even more crazy i foolishly decided to sit out of the challenge today, i knew i probably wasnt gonna be good at anything with the letters all jumbled together, im just being real so i decide to spare my tribe and myself mostly the misery and sit out, i dont want to be perceived as weak completely and be voted off right now for it, but i do want to start to make sure people think im not that good at the challenges so i dont have a target going foward- also, im really just not good at the challenges. BUT apparently everyone was just like on a call together all day because of the challenge and obviously i couldnt be in it so :// my own fault! i didnt think it through completely and luckily we won, but if we hadnt, i mean... a day long on/off call is more than enough to bond over and pick a first boot from those not in it, but aj updated me on everything and at least according to him, my name wasnt mentioned and they were mostly working on the challenge and discussing white men, so that means i didnt miss much! im still working day by day on trying to water my relationships with everyone and make sure theyre ready to bloom into my little alliances once its had enough time to absorb all the sunshine i naturally radiate!! However.... others arent doing the same gorl.... like connor, literally messaged me out of the blue just to have a conversation and when i tried talking to him he stops messaging me right away ... like hello is it something i said?? i literally feel like parvati when she was going is it me?? am i being punkd??? also tried talking to kendall again today, i do enjoy her i will say she's growing on me but as of now she hasnt responded to me yet, which is ok since i never respond to anyone either oop hopefully its just not everyone vs. adam already in other news i guess a swap could be coming?? i really just dont want to be on a tribe with jakey because im not ready to dig up the hatchet from cvc lets keep it buried please!! unless he's completely forgotten that and wants to work with me and be my shield again but um... dont think he'd be up for that! im here to play a NEW game not my old one, in any case, no matter what happens i feel like as long as i have any of my fellow A name sisters- AJ, Augusto, or Amir with me, i could possibly be fine... i dont think Amir was really playing me anymore either like i did yesterday smh i think that was just a tangent of paranoia my mind created (maybe ..) 

I feel like we have to be swapping tonight like this brains tribe has lost so many challenges in a rwo, that ifit wasnt planned i feel like the hosts have to be like "put it in sis they movin" Im gonna spendthe rest of the of today working on my relationships with the rest of my brawny boys, so no if we do swap, on matter what configurations it lands on I should have options. Still dont know jac shit about the tomb and that is bothering me but thats a problem for another day.

Well, thank god that we were able to pull that challenge out. I knew if we lost it that my ass could potentially be on the line given how large of a role I played in organizing that challenge, so it would have been sad (and hella scary) to have lost that. But I do think I've shown that I can be a valuable asset to this tribe now in the event that we somehow stay in tribes for another round. I'm anticipating a tribe swap here this next round, so I kind of just need to prepare to meet some new people and hope that I'm on a tribe with some people that I've gotten along with. Ideally, I'd have Jake with me and we'd act as if we weren't that close, but I'd be happy to see basically anyone but Liam there with me. He's a great guy, but I know he doesn't trust me, I know I don't trust him, so I really don't want that to be my only lifeline on a swap tribe.

okay so in the event we swap out of the brawn tribe tonight... which would be TRAGIC i wanted to do an in memoriam of apis 1.0! TJ - i was SO rude and wrong about him! he is genuinely so sweet and lovely, and super hard working. i think he would be a good one to swap with, it would build our bond and he is a challenge workhorse! i hope he isn't mad at me for my round one confessionals, just know tj that i was WRONG and that i was the clown! Lovelis - I get really good energy from him but we also... never talk so idk where I'm getting that from? I think he is definitely going to be a casualty of the swap, I see him definitely getting picked of? Which would be sad! idk we will see Liam M - He is really sweet, but we also talk super infrequently? I feel like he trusts me which is good?! But I think he is definitely gonna go premerge unfortunately just since he isnt super active? we will see ahh Jordan - I really like Jordan i think he is great! we are working together but something about his energy has seemed... off recently? and jake has noticed the same thing and idk what to do with that it just seems off? idk i feel like we potentially are gonna drift apart as allies which would be a shame! Dan - I really love Dan, he has such good energy which I really vibe with him? I think I kind of underestimated his potential as an ally which I really regret I like him a lot tbh.. I'd like to build that trust further for sure, he just gives off such good ally energy Jake - ahh yes have left my favourite for last. ugh i love jake his energy is the best and i trust him 100% unequivocally. he knows about my idol (may've kept it a secret for two rounds but i told him eventually which is what counts jasldfkas) i want him to succeed in this game so badly, im really hopeful for him to SNAP also quickly about the brain tribal, i just hope isaac/autumn/duncan are safe. those are my only preseason connections and would kinda love to see any/all of them in a swap situation tbh i think i want that devon slithers man gone he seems sneaky (is it just because slithers sounds like a snake yes)

It’s been way too quiet around here so I’ve accepted that Duncan/Autumn/Devon/Isaac are all voting me out tonight. Devon keeps talking to me about the swap and really emphasizing about it, so I get sketch vibes from that. Plus that Duncan/Autumn duo is very strong so it makes sense for them to want to vote me out. Plus apparently Isaac is writing my name down tonight so... it’s been fun! I enjoyed my 7 days that I spent here and can’t wait for the perjury trip with Trace and Bodhi 🥳🥳🥳

Lowkey kinda bummed we won this challenge. Which probably raises a few death flags but whatever. I would have liked to put our alliance to the test before a swap :/. It also would have been neat to have the fucking idiot who voted with Trace as a spare vote, now they are definitely going to get fucked. Luckily the challenge provided some new optunity for alliances. For starters we can make a natural extra alliance with AJ without drawing conclusions to a mysterious third faction. Even though Connor did jack shit... I'm not bitter just... disappointed. :/

PERIODTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT, WE WON HOES! Like I am incredibly shook that we won because I was ready to jump off of a ledge hgfjkdl so yay for that! The Brains lost and I really do feel for them but Brawn winning makes our numbers equal and the Brawns are more threatening overall so that should mean that Brains would want to work with us in a swap scenario yknow? I’m just shook I’m on the winning tribe ghjfdks

Now that we won, I SHOULD be chilling right? Well, I hate myself so I’m not doing that one bit. I am deathly afraid of a swap next round because the makings of a swap are all there (a flop tribe that needs a swap to save them, us being at 18 people is perfect for 3 tribes of 3, etc). I’m scared I will get swap fucked in some capacity so I’m just aaaa. That being said, I do want to make sure I leave on amazing terms with everyone before we swap in case I am separated from anyone or I join some of these legends on a new tribe. 

honestly, our tribe has been pretty much on a high. our most recent challenge seemed like something tailored for us to lose, and while i was nervous for a second, we were able to best the brains tribe and send them to tribal for the THIRD time. (i really thought they'd have that one in the bag!) i feel sorry for those nerds, they just can't catch a break :( but seriously, the challenge itself really opened doors of opportunity for me in the game i feel. me/kendall/amir/augusto were on call from 11AM est to the time challenge results went up.. and it was an experience. we all got along pretty well and put our braincells together to get through that challenge, but their company was what made it worthwhile! connor was also participating in the challenge, but he didn't really do anything. although i know he's been pretty busy lately so i'm not too bent about it and completely understand, just wish he said a little more in the chat other than the two messages he did! i think what i'm preparing for right now is the swap. i really wanna cement solid relationships and allegiances with the people on my tribe as we anticipate going into bigger tribes as of next round or the round after. i wouldn't mind just staying on this tribe, though. our dynamic is great, the people are great, and we're even better in competition. there's really not much of a loss there if you ask me! 

So in the past 24 hours I've worked my ass off to try to get Autumn and Devon to vote with me against Scott and/or Duncan and I'm not getting my hopes up. Like everything they've given me has been so vague and I've tried to go the extra mile to try to get Autumn and Devon to trust me. I think I'm going home tonight and if I do that's tragic but not exactly a #blindside. It might be my curtain call but I hope I at least made them doubt each other. 

Also #FuckThoth, Jess rigged me out

Me waiting for tribal to happen: https://66.media.tumblr.com/c327b3a59ef66f9835241d079c1fbe39/tumblr_n20f10EtZH1rkuhmio2_400.gif

Me if I make it out alive tonight: https://media1.tenor.com/images/664df9da1de6fb8913ff67b2ca8234e0/tenor.gif?itemid=16269462

 Me if I get voted out tonight: https://media.giphy.com/media/aUW1R5qccvQ3K/giphy.gif

I HATE IT HERE I WANNA GO HOME!!! I feel like the underpaid babysitter that the parents forgot about cause these boys are triiippppinng. I’m selling the vote so well to Isaac I actually wanted to vote Scott with him and I was going to but my damn alliance has him secondguessing and now everyone is all misty eyed about being split while Isaac is panicking so the solution is a CALL. Even though we call EVERYDAY so there ain’t shit to talk about??? Isaac has been blowing my pm’s up all day so no sir, no farewell calls. My emotional energy has been spent for the day lying for 6 hours straight thank you very much. Scuncan and Devon need to cut the melodrama out cause we have a whole game left?? So we will see each other again??? And if we don’t, we don’t. Also we could not get swapped tonight??? So simmer down. The Lord NEEDS to take me cause I can’t do it. Everyone needs their hand held and their feelings coddled and I’m tired. Less  kumbayah, more playing Survivor 

So we won again! I felt terrible in our challenge chat because I really couldn't get my head around the patterns and shit everyone else was doing, honestly hope they don't see general weakness in me because of it.. I'm good at like, everything else, but I dunno, this season's just not been looking favourably on me yet. After the flag incident and then that challenge, I feel like I probably am in the most danger, and I still don't know what to do about it except spam everyone all the time in hopes they feel some social tie to me... I hate it here I rly do. Hopefully we'll start to get more comps I can excel in because so far it's been flop after flop and I rly hate to see it.

Not AJ telling me that I am the person he is closest to on this tribe… I’m crying ugh, I feel so bad for wanting him to leave first like I didn’t get to know him well until recently but I really do like him… why was I blessed with these iconic people on my tribe? Game aside, I do like them all and want them to slay in life <3

I'm so screwed if I don't win this immunity challenge. I know I'm a weak link, so if I don't win this, hopefully *dan* doesn't either cause I might have to target him to save my skin. This is where I'm really gonna have to be social over the next day, cause my ass is quite literally on the line right now. I'm not getting 18th-16th, screw this.

Okay I’m gonna say it, I love my alliance so much.I will not play with my heart and I’ll kill them if I have to but I really really really don’t want to, I obvi love my alliance with Augusto, Kendall, and Connor so much, but i will not play with my heart and ill backstab them if i have to but i really really dont want to. I would also like if adam austin and aj were safe. I really really like adam a lot. he is a fking sweetheart, and hes so funny. Austin is also great and super genuine and kind. i feel bad for calling him boring earlier, and aj is just funny and cool in general. the best case is we never have to go to tribal and i get to keep my inbred nocturnal intoxicated-at-all-times tribe members here. I am gonna need as many of these people in the game as possible for the swap and for the merge, and if we end up do having to go to tribal, I will do everything in my power to keep the tribe from getting divided, because we're gonna need each other to take down the brawn tribe.

I want to be tight with every single one of the beauties because a swap is likely coming and I need them, and the biggest issue rn I see moving foreward is if brawn and brain align, so we must snatch the brains first. every one keeps talking about being stumped about the tomb and I just keep lying DKNDKDNDD but I am lowkey scared they know I’m lying