#-where both are staggering and limping and reduced to bleeding/breaking messes

[askblueandviolet]

PIF is going to kill you, Macaque.

Mayor, protect your husband D:

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[utopianvoices]

blind | k.yeosang

∞ genre: hanahaki au; angst

∞ word count: 2.2k

∞ description: You were the most beautiful painting— but he was blind.

∞ a/n: weLp i cried writing this. 

∞ warnings: explicit language, mentions of death

i.

You hate love. 

Why would you go through something so painful? So unfulfilling? 

What’s so great about love, when all it does is leave you feeling empty, hurt, completely dependent?

It’s like all functions halt when you’re with the one person you love. You can’t smile without them, you can’t eat without them, you’re basically handicapped without them; so why was it still so celebrated? 

Perhaps it is because of the warm feeling that spreads in your chest when you lay eyes on your lover. The feeling of home when you’re in their arms, no matter where you are. Or the reassurance you get, that even when you are left with nothing—stripped completely bare—there will always be someone for you there, watching over you like a guardian angel would. Except they were much better than any guardian angel could ever be, because there was love binding the both of you, and love is the most powerful emotion to exist. 

Even with such beauty that love holds, you still hate it because it becomes your downfall when you’re caught in a situation where the one you adore does not return your love—where everything you feel for them is one-sided. Only your heart flutters; butterflies only fill your stomach when your enamoured smiles at you; these feelings are felt by no one else but you, even though it takes two to love. 

But most of all, you hate love because on top of the pain you feel while looking at your loved one everyday and having to smile like your whole world wasn’t shattered, you had to deal with the physical pain that accompanied it. 

You’re hunched over on the floor of an empty classroom, your best friend clutching onto your arm to make sure you don’t collapse onto the ground with how much you were coughing.

Your eyes were red, tears blurring your vision, as you taste the blood in your throat from your incessant coughing for the past three minutes. You’re about to give up, convince yourself that you should give up, when finally you feel your airway clearing, your ability to breathe returning to you.

And right there in front of you, lay a single red petal. 

Rose; his favourite flower.

“You know, whoever it is that is making you cough up a fucking lung every single time, doesn’t deserve you, Y/n,” your best friend starts, earning your attention. “It’s time you let it go.”

You can’t help but chuckle at his words, at the irony of his words. 

If only he knew.

“I’m fine, Yeosang. I’ll be fine,” you finish off, pushing yourself off of the floor with the remaining strength you had left in your arms, only to fall back down. 

Yeosang rushes to your side, securing his arm around your waist as he helps you up, and you almost want to throw up petals again because of how fast your heart was beating at such a simple action. 

If only he knew that he was the one you were in love with.

You were in love with your best friend, Kang Yeosang, and there was nothing you could do about it. 

Oh, how I hate love. 

ii.

“I can’t believe she gave us two days to complete this dumb project!” you wail, flopping onto Yeosang’s bed as you stare up at the glow-in-the-dark stars scattered across his ceiling. 

They were completely out of juice, but he had not taken them down because he was simply “too lazy”, and you think of all the times you and Yeosang lay beside each other, counting how many stars were up on the ceiling, until one of you messed up and you’re suddenly reaching for pillows to hit each other while screaming “it wasn’t me!”.

The simpler times when you didn’t have complicated feelings that made you go crazy.

Your best friend chuckles as he joins you on the bed, plopping himself down on the empty space beside you. As he does so, his hand brushes yours ever so slightly, and your heart is sent into overdrive—along with the growing urge to throw up some petals. 

You hadn’t told Yeosang, but you were coughing up way more blood and petals than usual, and you almost passed out the last time you threw up. You knew you weren’t going to last long, but there was no way you were going through with that surgery.

There was no way you were forgetting your best friend, even if he was the cause for your pain. He was both the worst and best thing in your life, and you weren’t willing to lose him. 

Suppressing your feelings, you discretely move away from Yeosang, trying to put more space between the both of you as he continues talking (more of complaining) about the project. 

Your literature teacher had assigned a project to be completed in two days just that day, earning groans from everyone in class. It was, however, to be completed in pairs, and you’re met by the sight of students scurrying around the classroom, finding for their best friends. You also see students who are slumped in their chairs, not being picked by anyone because none of their friends were in that class, and you feel pity for them.

But you pitied yourself the most, because when you turn, you’re met with your best friend’s gorgeous smile, your heart already preparing yourself for the pain you were going to go through. All because you had to fall for that one person you spent most your time with. 

And now you were lying next to the boy you loved, your heart aching with both the love and pain you felt, thanks to him. 

“You know every time I look at the stars on my ceiling, I just think of the time you used to mess up counting the stars,” Yeosang breaks the silence, his eyes sparkling at the thought of one of his favourite memories. 

You let out an offended scoff as you sit up on his bed, hands crossing over your chest as you stare at him.

“It wasn’t me!” 

At this, Yeosang bursts out in laughter, sitting up along with you as his eyes shone. “That’s exactly how you sounded like then too!” 

And just like old times, you’re grabbing the pillow closest to you, hitting your best friend over his head as your laughter mixes in with his—creating the most beautiful piece that tugs at your heartstrings. 

You’re so busy having fun with him that you don’t realise he’s towering over you, legs on either side of you as he pins you down while repeatedly hitting you with the pillow.

When you finally get a glimpse of the sight in front of you, your hand goes limp, captivated by the face right above yours. Eyes reduced to crescents and teeth fully displayed, as he revels in the joy of reliving his childhood with his best friend. 

You want to feel the same way, you really want to. But as long as you have feelings for him, you’ll never be able to feel the happiness of recalling precious memories made together.

And with that, you push your friend off of you, rushing to his toilet to cough out the petals that had risen up. 

One, two, three, four...

You were losing count of the amount of petals escaping your mouth, as Yeosang held your hair back and rubbed your back.

Little did he know, he was making it a lot worse for you, because every time he was even near you, you weren’t in control of your emotions, and you started coughing up way more petals than you usually would. 

Gathering your strength to push him away, you finally feel better, leaving the bathroom as quickly as you could while collecting all your things.

“Where are you going? You can’t leave in this state!” 

“I have to leave Yeosang. I have to. I’ll see you in school.”

And with that, you leave his house, running as fast as you could, just to get rid of the pain caused by the roots of the plant gripping onto your heart.

iii.

Drip drip drip.

You stagger around the empty classroom, trying to find for anything that could stop the blood dripping from your mouth onto the ground, but you were slowly losing the ability to walk.

It had been three weeks since you started coughing up petals, and it had only gotten worse from then on. You started coughing up stems along with tons of petals, leaving your throat feeling abused and tattered. 

Of course, you still didn’t say anything to Yeosang in fear of him asking you questions that would make you just burst and tell him the reason behind your situation. But all thoughts of hiding it from Yeosang flies out the window as the classroom door opens to reveal your best friend.

“Hey, I got us some-” he’s cut off by the sight of you bleeding while holding onto the chair for support. His eyes widen and he freezes for a millisecond, before dropping whatever he was holding, to rush to your side.

“Y/n, what the fuck is this? Why are you bleeding so much?” he demands, his hands automatically lifting his shirt to wipe the blood dribbling at the side of your mouth, as you lean against him for support. “Why are you still throwing up petals?”

You close your eyes and take a deep breath, eyes watering at the urge of throwing up again. But you force it down as you open your eyes to stare at the boy beside you. You knew you didn’t have much time left, and he did deserve to know the truth. 

“It’s because I love you,” you say, smiling sadly, as your eyes close on their own accord. “And you don’t love me back.”

And it’s like his whole world stops. 

You loved him? This whole time?

He stares at his you, his best friend, watching you cough up petals, as blood spurts out with every cough. All this time he had spent cursing the idiot who was causing you such pain, because they couldn’t see you for the gem you are.

All this time, and he didn’t realise he was the idiot all along.

“I-I.....” he starts, choking up at the thought of losing you. “Why didn’t you tell me earlier? We could have gone through with the surgery!” 

He feels the guilt well up in him, for not noticing the pain you were going through. For not helping you out way sooner. 

But mostly for not being able to return your feelings. 

“No no no, I would have never told you, Yeosang,” you shake your head vigorously, clutching onto the nearest table for support as you put more distance between you and him. “And there’s no way I would have agreed to that surgery. I’ll forget you if I did.”

“It’s better than seeing you die!” Yeosang shouts at you, hands gripping at his hair at the high possibility of losing his best friend. You can see the tears streaming down his face, and you’re not sure you’ll be able to feel more pain than what you felt from seeing him in that state. “I’m sorry... I’m so sorry. This is all my fault. If only I hadn’t-”

“Shhh...” you calm him, taking his hands into yours as you lean against his shoulder. “It’s not your fault. Don’t blame yourself for it. I chose not to go through with the surgery, not you.”

His grip on your hand tightens as he feels yours loosen, the fear building up in him as he realised what was coming next. You were going weak, and you didn’t have much time left. 

“We have to go to the hospital now. I don’t care if you forget me,” he finalises, trying to pull you towards the exit of the classroom. But your resistance makes him turn back, looking at you with urgency. 

“N-no, I don’t want to go to the hospital. I don’t have much time left anyway,” you laugh softly, tears already gathering in your eyes. “Please just, sing for me.”

And sing he does, with words barely audible with how much he was trying not to break down, as he lays you on his lap, tensing up every time you had a coughing fit. 

The blood you were coughing out decorated his pants, but he was in no position to care, as he looks at you smiling at him softly. It was the most beautiful smile he had seen, and you still looked ethereal even at the brink of death.

And just as the first yellow leaf floats down from the huge tree in the school yard, signifying the start of your favourite season, your eyes close with the image of your love imprinted in your mind and heart. 

You hate love.

You hate it so much because even at the brink of death, all you could think about was the one boy you loved with all your heart, even if the mere thought of him brought you about so much pain.

You hate love, because you know that no matter how much you try, you’ll never be able to hate it.