#.....I had a long day yesterday and slept in today and forgot to queue something.... oops

[amphibia-a-day]

Day 955 of Amphibia Screenshots

Episode: Fixing Frobo

[bloodlinesbabe93]

Welcome To The Undisputed Era~ Part 3

Tagging: @thebutterflygirl16 @jerseygirl1290

Mentions of Self Harm, Abuse, Rape, and Kyle being a dick

“good morning gorgeous” Adam says as my eyes start to open

“good morning” i say

“sleep well?” he asks

“yeah, how about you?” i ask

“i always sleep well with a pretty girl in my arms” he says

“i slept better in your arms last night than i have in a while” i say

“good” he says

“i don’t want to get up” i say

“me either, but we have to” Adam says sadly

“yeah, i don’t want dickhead to make a comment” i say

“i’ll punch him” Adam says

As if on queue there was a knock on the door and everyone walked into our room.

“aww look, Adam proved my point by sleeping with the little slut” Kyle says

“i’m going to fucking kill you” Adam says grabbing him by his shirt and holding him against the wall

“hey dickhead, it would be kinda hard for him to do anything” i say standing up showing him i was fully dressed in sweats and a sweatshirt

“how do i know you didn’t get dressed afterwards” Kyle says

Roddy yanks Kyle out of our room before Adam killed him

“out of curiosity why where you sleeping in the same bed?” Bobby asks

“because i feel safe with him” i say

“all we did is cuddle man” Adam says

“i was just curious, not trying to start anything” Bobby says

“alright i got him as far away from here as i could” Roddy says

“good.” Adam says

“we’re going to get breakfast if you want to come” Bobby says

“yeah let me get ready” Adam says

“i’m not really hungry but i’ll go to hang out with you guys” i say

“sweet, we’ll meet you in the lobby in half an hour” Bobby says as they exit our room.

“go ahead and get ready first, i’m going to take a shower” i tell Adam

he smiles, taking his stuff into the bathroom. i pull all of my stuff out of my suitcase. including my old friend. i know i told Adam i would try and stop but i can’t handle Kyle anymore. i hide it in my clothes, hoping he wouldn’t get suspicious. luckily when he came back into the room he didn’t seem to have a clue what was about to happen.

i don’t know what felt better, the warm water on my skin, or the razor blade sliding across my stomach. it definitely helped that i was finally able to cry without being in close proximity to the guys. I shouldn’t let Kyle’s words get to me, but its almost impossible, after 10 minutes of just standing there, i turn off the water, bandage myself up, and change into my outfit for the day. Jeans and t-shirt, keeping my hoodie close by incase i get ‘cold’. i hide the razorblade in my dirty clothes before i walk out of the bathroom and put my stuff into my suitcase.

“ready?” Adam asks as i finish zipping up my suitcase

“yeah” i say

“you aren’t wearing a sweatshirt?” he asks shocked

“its too hot, i was dying yesterday. but so afraid the guys would find out. that would be another thing for Kyle to make fun of me for” i say 

“i’m guessing you use the bracelets to hide the scars?” he asks

“yeah” i say

“and you forgot to wear them yesterday?” he asks

i nod 

“you haven’t harmed yourself recently right” he asks concerned

i could feel tears coming to my eyes

“y/n, why?” he asks concerned

“Kyle” i say

“where?” he asks. 

i lift up my shirt to show him the bandages. He wraps me tightly in a hug letting me cry.

“hey guys almost ready?” Bobby asks as he and Roddy walk through the door

“y/n what’s wrong?” Roddy asks sounding concerned

i don’t say anything. i was too afraid to speak.

“Kyle” was all Adam said

within seconds Bobby and Roddy are hugging me as tightly as Adam was

“don’t listen to that dickhead” Bobby says

“it’s too late for that, he’s gotten in her head” Adam says

“what do you mean?” Bobby asks

i sigh and lift my shirt showing them the fresh bandages from this morning

“please tell me this isn’t what i think it is” Bobby says

i remained silent

“y/n, please you can always talk to us, you don’t have to hurt yourself” Roddy says

“i’m trying to stop, and i was 4 months clean, until this morning. i can’t handle him anymore” i sob

“now it makes sense why you always cover up” Bobby says

“that’s only part of it. i figure nobody wants to see my ugly body anyway” i say

“y/n you are far from ugly” Adam says the others quickly agree with him

“you’re one of the most beautiful girls I've met, both inside and out” Adam says

“you’ve been through so much, that nobody should ever have to go through” Bobby says

“i don’t know everything, but i know you are incredibly strong” Roddy says

i start to tell him the story of my past. knowing he would probably understand more than anyone else

“see what i mean, you’ve survived so much abuse in the past, half the women i know wouldn’t have been able to make it through everything you have” Roddy says

“thanks guys” i say

“no need to thank us, we love you, you’re basically like another daughter to me” Bobby says

“how about we go get breakfast and leave dickhead behind” Roddy says

“sounds good to me” i say happily

“there’s that smile i love to see” Adam says

Adam takes our bags down to the car and loads them in. i climb in the back behind Bobby.

“you actually don’t have to sit in the middle this time” Roddy says

“i didn’t mind it, i’m small enough to fit with everyone having enough room” i say

“i know, but you were still smushed between me and Adam for the last 2 days” Bobby says

“better any of you than Kyle” i say

“true, even though i would have paid good money to see Adam hit him this morning” Roddy says

“i was ready to kill him” Adam says as he gets into the car

“oh trust me i know” Bobby says

“exactly why i pulled him out of there when i did” Roddy says

“so on a happier note what do you guys want to eat?” Roddy says

“food” i say which makes Adam laugh

“smart ass” Roddy says

“i don’t care, i’m not really hungry” i say

“why don’t you eat?” Bobby asks

“i told you last night, my medication causes me to not eat a lot, and i’m not really a breakfast person anyway” i say

“you need to atleast something y/n even if its small, its not good for your body to go that long without eating” Bobby says

“i feel like there is more you aren’t telling us” Adam says

“okay fine, I've struggled with an eating disorder since i was 15. happy now” i say

“hey, y/n look at me” Adam says

i look at him with tears running down my face

“listen, i want to help you, we all want to help you. we love you, i hate knowing that you hurt your body because of some assholes in your past and present, it tears me apart knowing that a beautiful girl is hurting�� he says

“i’m sorry, i shouldn’t have said anything” i say

“no, i’m glad we know so we can help you however we can” Bobby says

“you will get though this” Adam says

“but you have to eat, starving yourself isn’t going to help anything, wanting to be healthy is great, but going about it the wrong way hurts you” Roddy says

“obviously you don’t have to eat a lot, but just eat a little bit every few hours” Adam says

“i’ll try” i say

“even if its just some fruit, its better than nothing” Bobby says

Roddy pulls into a waffle house parking lot, my biggest challenge is going to be learning to eat.

“what are you going to get?” Adam asks me

“probably just a waffle, and bacon” i say

he smiles. i could tell he was happy i was atleast trying to eat.

of course being surrounded by wrestlers you learn that they eat a lot. i was actually proud of myself for what i ate, i managed to eat all of my bacon and most of my waffle. i could tell the guys were happy too.

“that’s the most I've eaten in months” i admit

“i’m just glad you're  something” Adam says

“now in a few hours, eat something small from catering” Bobby says

i nod. hoping that i wouldn't make myself sick from eating too much 

“so what do we have going on today?” i ask curiously 

“well, all we have tonight is a promo, before we start travelling back to Florida for NXT tapings.” Bobby says

“oh great”  i say sarcastically

“not a fan of long car rides i guess?” Bobby asks

“nope” i say 

“we’ll make it, we’re not going to drive the entire 18 hours in one day” Adam says trying to reassure me

“yeah, we’ll split it into like 2 days, so 9 hours of driving each day” Roddy says

“and i thought the 6 yesterday was bad” i say

“you’ll get used to it” Adam says

“i hope so, i’m tired from all the travelling” i say

“that’s why in car naps are the best” Adam says

“i never could fall asleep in moving vehicles” i say

“oh that sucks” Roddy says

“tell me about it” i say

“well hopefully that will change” Bobby says trying to remain positive

“hopefully” i say

“alright, lets head to the venue, we have to meet up with dickhead at some point” Roddy says

i reluctantly get in the car, knowing that i would have to face my worst enemy at some point in the near future. Once we arrive at the venue, Kyle starts walking over to our car with a smirk on his face.

“there you are guys, i’m happy you finally made it” he says

“quit lying” i say

“aww look at the little self harming whore trying to have a voice” he say

“Roddy and Bobby had to hold Adam back from killing him again

“get the fuck out of here you coward” Adam yells

“nah, i like messing with her”. he grabs me by my hair and pulls me over to him. “now listen here you little slut, i heard your little sob story. you may have them fooled but i see right through your little act” he says before shoving me to the ground and running away like the coward he is. Adam took off running after him, along with the rest of the guys

“are you okay?” i hear a female voice ask

i look up to see Candice standing above me with her husband

“yeah i’m fine” i say

“you sure? you look pretty shaken up” she says sitting next to me

“yeah, i’ll be alright, nothing i’m not used to” i say

she hugs me, i could tell she was genuine in her words and reactions. after a few moments, she stands up, and helps me up off the ground. 

“thanks” i say

“no need to thank me” she says smiling

i see Roddy and Bobby making their way back toward me.

“here, if you ever want to get away from them for some girl time, text me” she says as she puts her number into my phone

“i will, thanks” i say

“you’re welcome” she says 

“sorry we ran off, we wanted to make sure Adam didn't kill Kyle” Bobby says

“it’s okay” i say

i could see Adam walking back toward us, and he looked furious

“you okay y/n” Adam asks gently

“yeah i’m fine” i say

he tightly hugs me “i’m sorry i ran off, i should have checked on you first” he says

“no its okay, i’m glad you tried to defend me” i say

“when i see him again i’m going to punch him in the face” he says

“no you aren’t, you don’t need to get suspended” i say

“maybe we should talk to Regal about it” Bobby suggests

“that will probably just make things worse” i say

“yeah you're right” Bobby says

“its all my fault, you guys never fought before i arrived, now i’m here and its constant fighting” i say sadly

Adam lifts my chin to look up at him, “its not your fault y/n” he says

“i agree, it’s Kyle’s fault for having a massive ego, and not being able to get over himself” Bobby says

“lets just get this over with” i say as we start walking into the building. Today we had a little more downtime, since all we had was a promo that kicked off the show.

after an hour and a half of being at the arena, i decided to walk to catering and eat something. Thankfully i recognized a few familiar faces. Candice being one of them.

“hey y/n” she says

“hey” i say taking my place at the table next to her

“come to escape all the testosterone?” she asks

“more like escaping them because i don’t want to hear their plots on killing Kyle” i say

“what exactly happened earlier?” she asks

“i don’t know what his problem is, but the last couple of days he’s been rude, calling me a whore, slut, and making fun of me because of my past” i say

“i’m sorry, you don’t deserve that” she says

“i know, but i’m so used to being abused, i guess i’ve just learned to take it” i say

“you shouldn’t be used to it. a beautiful young girl like you deserves nothing but love” she says

“i know” i say

“which it seems like, you get plenty of that from Adam” she says

“he’s a sweetheart, and definitely looks after me” i say

“girl are you blind? he totally likes you” she says

“no, that’s impossible, nobody wants this broken girl” i say

“you aren’t broken love, so many people care about you and love you” she says

“sorry to interrupt, but we’re up in 20 minutes” Bobby says

“i have to go” i say

“good luck” she says

“i see you made a friend” Bobby says

“yeah, she’s a sweetheart” i say

“that she is” Bobby says as we walk back into the locker room

“i’ll be ready in 5 minutes” i say taking my shirt into the bathroom to change. 

“did you eat anything in catering?” Adam asks as i walk back into the locker room

“yeah, i fixed myself a little plate” i say

“i am so proud of you” he says

“i’m trying, just like i promised” i say

“and you’re doing great” he says

“alright come on you two, we have a promo to do” Bobby says

cocky. confident. obnoxious. that’s how this promo went. Kyle was an over the top asshole, its almost like he’s let his TV character take over. 

“good job everyone” one of the production assistants yells as the cameras are turned off

“alright you guys let’s head to the next town” Bobby says

“yayy 9 hours of driving” i say

“hey we’ll make it” Adam says trying to reassure me

i quickly change my clothes, getting into something more comfortable.

“i can’t wait to be home and sleeping in my own bed” Roddy says

“i just can’t wait to be home” i say

“tired of us already?” Adam asks trying to act offended

“not you guys, Kyle” i say

“aww she loves us” Roddy says

“that i do” i say

“alright lets get on the road, by the time we stop for dinner and stuff it’ll be midnight before we’re at the hotel” Bobby says

“i’ll meet you guys in the car, i want to go say by to Candice” i say

i walk down a long hallway, heading toward catering, when someone puts their hand over my mouth and pulls me into one of the empty locker rooms

“hey there little slut” Kyle says quietly. i struggle trying to break free, but no use. he was over powering me

“let me go” i say but you couldn’t really make it out since his hand was still over my mouth

“i don’t hate you, no far from it” he says as he takes my left hand and puts it on his private area, i could tell he was turned on

“now be a good little slut and let me fuck you senseless” he says as he tries to take my shirt off. before he is able to do anything i kick him between the legs and take off running toward the others. i run back down the hallway, out the exit and across the parking lot, quickly getting into the car.

“y/n are you okay?” Adam asks

i couldn’t even answer him. i broke down.

“hey what happened” Bobby asks

i had my head resting on my knees curled up in a ball while i sobbed.

Adam reached out and grabbed my hand. giving me the only sense of security I've had in the last few minutes.

“Kyle, he tried to rape me” i manage to choke out

The guys were all shocked.

“I was walking down the long hallway, toward catering when he grabbed me and pulled me into an empty locker room, he put my hand on his crotch and told me he was going to fuck me senseless” i say slowly, trying to keep my breathing under control

Adam doesn’t say anything, he just pulls ,e close to him. holding me tightly.

“i’m going to fucking kill him” he says

“he’s gone too far this time” Bobby says furiously

“don’t worry y/n you're safe, we won’t let him touch you again” Adam says

“i’m so scared” i say

“shh its okay” Adam says trying to soothe me

“we’re talking to Regal something has to be done”  Roddy says. the others agree with him.

“what if he gets what he wants” i say

“he won't lay another finger on you, i’ll make sure of it” Adam says

it was a long car ride, i couldn’t get comfortable, i was so afraid  he would see me and try again. i got lucky last time to have gotten away. Once again i shared a room with Adam. he has this magic charm and he seems to be able to calm me down. i just wanted to be in his arms tonight. He held me close. and i wrapped my arms around him. i felt safe in his arms. and it was my favorite place to be. the only place i felt safe. the only place i felt loved.

I was too afraid to sleep. Afraid somehow Kyle would break into our room. so i watched Adam as he slept. he looked so peaceful, and happy. it was kinda cute. i could feel him starting to stir, so i pretended to be asleep.

“i know you aren’t asleep” he says in his raspy morning voice

i opened my eyes knowing i was caught.

“scared?” he asks

i nod

“nothing will happen. i’m here to make sure of it” he says

he rubs my back, trying to help me relax and fall asleep. but there was no point. i was afraid. i pretended to fall asleep so he would go back to sleep and stop worrying about me. thankfully my plan worked. 

i just couldn’t shake the look in his eyes or the sound in his voice, it was almost demonic. 

[blissful-thinker]

“I may have underestimated how much stuff I got at Anime Expo in general until I finally got a picture of the overrall haul this year: a summary.”

So after a few days of rest I finally got around to doing the usual masterpost of what is now my third year at AX. SO AFTER PROCRASTINATING FOR A WHOLE MONTH AFTER THE CON IS OVER I’M FINALLY POSTING THE MASTERPOST OF WHAT WAS MY THIRD YEAR OF AX CAUSE THIS ACCIDENTALLY GOT BURIED UNDER VARIOUS DRAFTS. WHOOPS MY BAD BUT ANYWAYS...

It was my first time going all 4 days with nothing stopping me and I think that might be why my haul is bigger than expected and why the read more is gonna be very, very long this time (which is why it took me like a fuckin week to do it.) So feel free to read on if or don’t cause this year was something else to the point where I ended up organizing the highlights by day.

The cosplays this year fricking amazing and cool to see again!! There were many, many cosplay I wanted to take pictures of (but so little storage space in my phone or I was going one way and the cosplayers was going the other way. That latter happened a lot.) Will probably post the photos I managed to take once I get those sorted out.

NOW LET’S GET TO THE PART WHERE I TRY TO REMEMBER WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED THIS WEEKEND CAUSE IT WAS A LOT TO TAKE IN:

Day 1: -Gets to the con at 7:30am with friends to pick up badges; end up in badge pickup limbo for about an hour. Ended up seeing a guy inflate his Pikachu cosplay up at the parking area and also talking to a guy who was the expanding brain meme and the salt bae meme. Only when the line moved did I realize I forgot to ask for a photo ;__; -Got our badges around 8:45am-ish and ended up in LineCon2k17 to get into the convention itself. I think it might have been due to them upping the security measures so honestly I’m not complaining too much (It did go faster for the remainder of the con.) Okay maybe I was kinda anxious that day to get in cause I needed to get to a certain booth quickly that day. Anyways it took like 1 1/2 hours to get in cause by the time they opened a few more doors, it was already 10:15am and then me and my friends were kinda walking fast and quickly going over meet up plans before we split to do our own business. -RAN MY ASS TO THE GOODSMILE BOOTH TO GET ONE OF THE LAST QUEUE TICKETS OF THE DAY FOR 3:30 (Aftermath: Came back around 3:30 and managed to get one Free Skate Yuuri Katsuki Nendoroid which I am thankful did not sell out until the next day. Might’ve been because the autograph signing and the panel for Sayo-kun and Kubo [YOI creators] were that day. I’m kinda thankful I’m not too interested in autographs or panels to go. Dude at the GS booth was surprised Yuuri didn’t sell out yet and I explained it might’ve been cause of that. He did get sold out the next day so yeah. But also I hope everyone had a good time at that panel!!!) -Explored Exhibit Hall while waiting for a friend who was at the Atlus booth. I swear there were more vendors this year. -SO MUCH GREAT ART IN ARTIST ALLEY, SO LITTLE TIME TO APPRECIATE IT ALL CAUSE EVERYONE IS SO GOOD THERE (repeats this for 3 more days cause it’s true) -some guy cosplayed as Symmetra's photon projector beam.... I realized hours after leaving it’s the same guy who cosplays as Deadpool every year  ACTUALLY RAN INTO AN OLD HIGH SCHOOL CLASSMATE WHO WAS TABLING IN AA. IT WAS REALLY NICE TO SEE THEM AGAIN HONESTLY. -somewhere along the late afternoon me and my friend managed to find the Crunchyroll foyer. may have taken a picture with the yoi kiss and cry set up there. itwasboundtohappen -they changed up the layout of the entertainment hall so much. i actually prefer it it’s so nice :D -ran my ass to the blizzard booth when I got inside the entertainment hall. that was also bound to happen eventually -played arms with friend at the ninendo switch area. got thrust into a sudden game of mario kart 8 with someone else cause the person in front thought the controller stopped working. i’ve never been more panicked in my life than in mk8 -chilled out behind the blizzard booth at the overwatch rest area for the rest of the day. got to watch the trivia go down for an hour until going back home regretsididntdotrviaatallisworeiwasgonnadoitbutichickenednout -saw lucio’s VA while resting at the booth ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

DAY 2 -got there early and linecon was over (mostly) so waited around for the opening and took cosplay pictures. (note: if you saw some weirdo eating a to-go bowl with their fingers, that was me. i didn’t have breakfast that morning) -hung around exhibit hall properly this time while looking for certain booths since the “definitely need to get now” priority rush was over -me at the two people at arunning a certain booth as my other friend decides what to get from there “I’m just watching this unfold my dudes, I’m just the bystander here.” (not gonna specify anymore than this. the people at the booth were pretty chill though) -that psycho pass prop gun demostration was 10/10 holy shit -AA part 2: the “less hectic but still hectic version and still deciding what to get” feelings -my friend tempting me to get a pillowcase of the legendary birds with him...I was pretty close to actually get it (he got it regardless and honestly it is the softest of pillowcases) -”Alright I think I got everything i needed from ___ fandom- sHIT WAIT I KINDA WANT THAT” -me, who has never played persona 5 in her life but knows enough about it, getting more prints and charms than my other friend, who has played over 150+ hours on that game alone and got like 2 prints from it -hanging around the entertainment hall again before leaving early that day. probably best I left early cause I was deadass tired. for the first time in years I slept before midnight cause AX

Day 3: -okay honestly the only thing I remember this day was that my friend and I were at the Blizzard booth resting and waiting for triva to start and Symmetra’s VA was hanging around the booth. So when trivia was gonna start, the top prize for winning the trivia current triva round was a Symmetra funko pop signed by Anjali. As soon as that was said, Anjali suddenly appeared out of nowhere grabbed the funko pop from one of the guys leading the triva rounds, tried to make her escape by carefully manuvering around the beanbags and then trying to roll away.... only for her to kinda trip during her roll from my friend’s foot and then landed right next to me and my friend before recovering and then running away from the booth (and then returned after a few minutes). Honestly it’s been 3 weeks a month at this point and I’m still shook as fuck -also she asked some of the trivia questions as Symmetra. that was also really cool

Day 4: -since it was the final day, it was just making sure of last minute gets at AA -”I got a charm at AA of Yurio yesterday and somehow he detached from my badge today but I’m not even fucking upset I lost him or surprised cause he was dangling along with charms of Yuuri and Viktor and he honestly fucking would straight up ditch them at some point in a day in the life of Yuri[o] Plitsetsky”: a thrilling one shot of the morning. I managed to get another one before I forgot to and Yurio2 was grounded to my bag until I was home -an interesting shirt hunt up in exhibit hall for my friend requested from his friend. it was... quite the shirt to get and probably the strangest thing to get for him and it wasn’t even for him Honestly the only way I can I summarize this year was that is was heck a lot of fun and hopefully will go next year. Maybe if I’m not that lazy and able to I’ll cosplay next year too. Will I actually put up the masterpost of the merch I got- honestly probably not cause I have no idea where I put my merch pictures.

[cosmosogler]

hi, i am starting late tonight because i was doing RESEARCH!!!

i slept pretty horribly last night. i noticed that my dreams are featuring a lot of wet clothes. clingy, gross, heavy clothes. 

the dream started out as me wandering around “dream philadelphia,” which for some reason features a lot of what looks like giant toy trains. the trains only go one way, so if you leave town and forget something, well, you got a long walk back. also they seem to operate on the same schedule as the spongebob buses. which is to say, the most inconvenient possible.

anyway i was bumming around not doing much when i ran into dad. he was trying to take a train somewhere and didn’t understand how the system worked. i basically said “sucks to be you” and mostly focused on what i was doing, or rather, what i was not doing. i had absolutely no reason not to help him except i didn’t feel like it, and also maybe because explaining how the trains worked was too hard. 

then i was trying to move out of my dorm, as i often am, and the mob was also there? i couldn’t pack wet clothes, so i kept putting them in the dryer, but every time i went to check if they were ready to be packed yet they were still dripping. it was driving me nuts because the dryers’ timers were basically random so i couldn’t tell how long it had been any time i wanted to check.

when i woke up i finished up the sonic fan character picture. i seem to have done other things, but i don’t remember what they might have been. i looked up some stuff about the preliminary exam. i microwaved the leftover pizza for lunch and got super grossed out and gave up before i could finish two slices. i fed one of the crusts to the dogs.

my dad rescued a little cactus mouse from out of the pool filter the other day. we’ve been keeping him in the old fish tank with some leftover fluff we have for the hamster. mom wants to get rid of him asap, but i worry that we won’t know how sick he is unless we keep him until wednesday or so. i actually thought he had died this afternoon, but when i was digging through the drawers to get a plastic spoon to poke him he started breathing again. he opened his eyes and wandered around a little bit yesterday, which is promising. the chlorine had probably really hurt them for the first day and a half.

i didn’t really feel understood in group therapy today. the goal stuff was fine, the therapist gave me a worksheet to fill out and talked about other resources she could probably give me if i asked for them on wednesday. it was when i brought up that i felt like, if a problem is able to be overcome, then it wasn’t really a valid problem. unless a problem is permanent, it shouldn’t be a problem i had in the first place. 

it’s very odd. the therapist used it as a launch pad to go into, like, how she thinks impostor syndome is fake i guess? i don’t remember exactly what it was because at the time i was devoting most of my energy to figuring out how to articulate my problem better. i didn’t really get the chance to go more in depth about it though.

i guess that’s something i should bring up with my individual therapist tomorrow. i kinda know where it comes from, but the examples that come to mind are only tangentially related to the feeling. it appears to stem from how my mother treats my nightmares. she says they aren’t real or i’m making them up or “dreaming while awake” somehow. so, if they get worse, she’ll HAVE to recognize they’re real!!!

except i don’t even care about what she thinks, because she is useless as a source of advice there? and mostly in general useless as a source of advice or encouragement. i can’t figure out why i care and why that problem is so significant that it’s, like, wrecking my willingness to change my situation. 

my therapist said i did make the goal-setting much harder than it needed to be. and she said i was lacking in some areas of self awareness but she didn’t elaborate because she wanted me to figure it out myself.

that made me feel really nervous. it confirmed that i probably don’t know myself very well, or at least i am not confident in my understanding of reality. but i knew that already.

i guess i am living in some kind of funhouse mirror reality where i suck at everything. but i need that reality because otherwise i start thinking too highly of myself and people get angry. i am “egotistical” and “look down on others.” “you think you are all that but you’re not.” “you’ll die alone.” “your ego is going to come back and bite you someday and when it does i’ll laugh.” 

ok i think i may be embellishing that last one but those parents were very angry with me. because i was upset that they had stolen my group’s space station project for the nasa competition. the next day they followed me all the way from the drop-off to the back of the campus where my classroom was, leaned over me, hissing stuff like that in my ear but it didn’t matter because there weren’t any teachers paying attention so it was fine i guess!!!!!!

just like it was fine when craig did stuff because nobody cared!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dad called me egotistical in grade school too. he also got super mad about it. i would get in the car and he would hold the door open and scream and then slam the door in my face. it was fine because he is my parent so he can do whatever he wants.

the lesson here is that no one else cared about me, so i shouldn’t care about me either. if i start caring about me, i might get upset about all that stuff that happened!!! and that would be bad. because i would be a bummer and no one would want to hang out with me.

it’s like... these people want me to change. but i have reasons, like, lots of reasons, for acting the way i do. and maybe i feel like i’m not allowed to change until i make them understand how hard it is.

i mean, of course i’m allowed to change any time i want. i’m in charge of how i act. but... how easy is it to unlearn a lesson i’ve had repeatedly hammered, beaten, and screamed in for 24 years?

and if it’s not impossible, it’s not hard enough. hard enough for what i don’t know. if i am not literally dead i am not trying hard enough. actually i could probably die from trying too hard for too long and at my funeral mom would say “she should have tried harder to stay alive.”

there is no pleasing her. i don’t think i even want to please her. i don’t know what my subconscious thinks. i guess being denied something just makes you want it more? even if you tell yourself you don’t want it anyway.

i like to joke around that kyral is a “personified explosion,” but i guess in a way i am one too. not in the same way. but the way i approach life. if i am not exceeding my limit at all times i am not good enough. if i get sick because i was exceeding my limit for too long i couldn’t be good enough. if i am at the end of my rope there’s got to be more steam in there, i know it, there just has to be, and i have to use it right now or i won’t be good enough.

self care and stuff like that just distracts from time i could be trying harder. but i am not allowed to acknowledge that i am working hard, or harder than is healthy for me, because that would make me egotistical. the worst offense possible!!! 

why is it so important that i don’t come across in any way as egotistical? i guess because deep down i feel very inadequate, and i find people who oversell their abilities to be extremely annoying. but aren’t i overselling my energy capacity? 

to be honest it probably WOULD be better if i took more care to address my limits. but i always feel the need to make just one more last push, so i kind of forget about the limit or hate the limit. 

i had a self esteem journal i wanted to start filling out this week. i may have to put off starting it until tomorrow though because now it is almost 1 and i am late getting to bed again. 

after therapy i went to my cousin’s high school graduation party dinner with the rest of my family. i acted really obnoxious around my younger brother and cousins because i am pretty sure they think it’s funny. i like seeing them react so i do things i am reasonably certain will get a reaction. and i almost always do!

what i did for the graduating cousin in particular is, since my sister forgot to buy a card, i was tasked with making one. so i put a terrible pun on the front cover and spelled my cousin’s name wrong, wrote “have a good life.” on the inside, and got mom to put a ton of glitter inside and individually tape a couple of 1-dollar bills to the card. it got him to shake his head and sigh. he is normally Too Cool to interact with me.

my youngest cousin asked when i’m going to grow out of pokemon. i said “if i ever want to stop, then i guess i’ll stop then.” he brought up the time he beat me because i stopped to tease him instead of just finishing the battle. i think in my cousins’ eyes i am some sort of unbeatable pokemon god. but really in competitions i lose about as much as i win, and by about the same margins. i just like pokemon a lot.

when i got home i sent an email to the florida physics department asking for some test resources. then i put a lot of time into researching self care and strategies for becoming more assertive and having a more reasonable self esteem. that’s why i started writing so late. i also dumped like 8 of the pages i found into my queue so now you can look at ALL OF THEM too!!!

tomorrow i need to do some more things. i gotta work on the usual stuff, the welcome packet, et cetera. i have therapy at 10:30, so i really need to go to bed soon if i’m going to be able to get up for it. i need to drop by my physician’s office and pick up some paperwork and ask about a test they wanted to schedule. i will probably just have leftovers for lunch... then i’m going to watch a movie with oz. then i gotta do the technology setup and troubleshooting stuff with my classmates to prepare for future study sessions. that should last me until about 5:30. i will try to play in the yard with the dog more in the evening, and possibly make a dinner that’s more than “microwave some rice.” i will have to find some time to work on the self esteem journal, and also on the therapy goal worksheet and packets for wednesday. maybe i will also start coloring the owl picture i got from the resources folder at the hospital. 

pretty sure i’m forgetting something. but that will have to wait until the morning or whenever it comes up i guess.