#...its alll part of the plan... yeah...

[ethersierra]

Nanofather Lore insanepost

Alright. We've seen my murderboard. It's incomprehensible. But for those who haven't, here it is:

It includes... a lot of everything. I couldn't begin to describe the journey I went on putting this together. Without further ado:

The Nanofather, also known as "The Weaver," "Creaky Man," and sometimes "Geltfrimpen" or briefly as "wily weaver," "dirty jeremy," "muck dweller," and "crusty man," is a recurring ominous character which appears most frequently in the opening segments of The Adventure Zone: Steeplechase. He says a lot of weird shit. And after 33 episodes, I believe I have a pretty good understanding of this shit. Take a walk with me, through this 8-part dive into what the Nanofather's deal is.

I will warn you, this is... insanely long. Turn back now.

1. The Foretelling [moments leading up to the weaver]

Back in episode 18 of Ethersea, Justin mentioned how he's the last of them who has yet to DM. Then, later in the episode, Griffin loses his train of thought and Justin prompts him with "Spin the... spin the yarn" and the riffing leads Clint to say, "weave," and Justin says, "step up to the loom... let the weaving begin at the loom."

In the next episode, as the intro song fades out, Justin interjects in a high falsetto song, singing "Weave another tapestry! McElroy Family and me," and the bit goes on for a minute or so. Later, in Ethersea 24, when trying to convince Griffin to reconsider what happened in the narrative, Justin asks him to "Check your loom, weaver!"

When Justin finally makes his Steeplechase debut, he initially struggles with starting the story. So, Griffin jumps in with,

Griffin: "Can I do what you usually do to me?" Justin: "Please." Griffin: "And be like [singing dramatically] 'The yarn-spinner takes the loom in his hands and weaves a magical tale. Take the wizard by his hands as he flies you around on his rug made of wings and a angel’s hair.'"

Every subsequent episode has the same opening. The recurrence of these instances have culminated in the persona of "The Weaver."

2. The Stew [in which the nanofather discusses various culinary topics]

The Nanofather routinely brings up the food of his world, in some way. This starts as early as episode 3, in which he says, "Perhaps a few more moments before the stew is prepared."

Other segments include advice about nano-nutmeg [12], clarifications about cilantro (called corriander in the UK)[29], and directing the addressee to search for pepperoni and green pepper in "the pyre" [19].

The other three instances of mentions of food directly address Shookles the cat. First, "Shoockles, your master calls. Where's the scum canteen? Fetch it from the shoof... my thirst is unslakable" [7]. Then, in the very next episode, says, "Please... the pollen broth. My throat became so dry... Fetch me the pollen broth, Shoockles" [8]. And most recently, he speaks rather dramatically, saying, "I believe I went… as far as I could… I don’t know if… it was far enough… I’m terrified to push it further… I believe this is the limit… Yes… no, that’s true… It’s true… The greater danger is hesitation, yes… I will add one more half-teaspoon of cumin, Shookles. Thank you, Shookles, I… should listen to your culinary acumen more" [22]. This is assumedly in reference to something he is cooking, perhaps the stew mentioned in episode 3. Perhaps all of these ingredients are being used in the stew.

Either way, these interactions tell us that the Nanofather has an interest in cooking, and that Shookles acts as an assistant to him.

3. Direct Interactions [in-character conversations]

There are several instances where the Nanofather speaks with our player characters, or appears within their world.

This first happens in episode 20, when the crew enters the lair of Geltfrimpen and hears a voice familiar to the players coming from the dragon. He says, "Excuse me for this, but I have to keep up appearances." He continues to speak with the boys throughout the scene as they fight the animatronic. He says, "I’m having trouble staying here," and within the scene, Justin describes that, "The sound seems to be coming from like... the entirety of Geltfrimpen. It’s emanating from him, not localized to any one point in the dragon’s body." Beef asks the Weaver if he could come out of the dragon, to which he responds, "Would that I could." When Montrose begins refering to him as Geltfrimpen, he says, "I am not Geltfrimpen. I am here. But I am not Geltfrimpen." Emerich asks for his name, which is met with "Would that I know," but because Beef had called him creaky man earlier, the voice says "Creaky Man will suffice for now, I suppose. A good amount of christening."

He goes on to explain his situation at their behest:

"I will do my best to tell you what I know. It takes quite a bit for me to be as here as I am. But I will try. Part of me is in Geltfrimpen. But I am many places throughout the world. Part of me is here. Part of me is imprisoned here, I think. And through this act, I am no longer... trapped here, this part of me. I’m able to be more concentrated, if that—if that is the correct word, else... elsewhere... I will not be here long, and then I will vacate Geltfrimpen for good. And I will be a little bit more myself, elsewhere."

The implications within this one paragraph are that he does not have much of a physical form, and is potentially some sort of spirit, but he can manifest part of himself at will in some places. Montrose asks if he has a home base, but he says, "I’m... scattered. More accurately, I think... shattered."

He follows with even more interesting information,

"I’ve seen you elsewhere, I was... in one of the vans, as you made the thrilling escape. I was there. I called out, but it was so loud. I have watched you from the porch of Ustaben. In the... the whittling I sat, a rocking chair... I couldn’t summon up enough voice to reach you, but I called out. I called out to anyone who would listen, honestly. But you three are the first who seem to... be looking hard enough to hear."

There have been two heists with van escapes. The first is in episode 3, when Gravel pulled up in a stolen truck/van (it is important to note that they use them interchangably). The four of them were the only ones in the vehicle. However, this escape was not very thrilling, so we are going to refer to the Gutter City heist.

Sticky Finger(s) Paul Pantry asks the three of them to steal a truck called the Clean, and notes that it is made of Hardlight. When the time comes, Emerich has attuned with the hardlight Short Doug and drives in one of the trucks with him [9].

The second thing the Nanofather mentions is an obvious reference to the Ustaben attraction, Whittle Around. In the setup episode, Whittle Around is established as having a porch where "grandpa" sits and whittles wood-- grandpa, of course, being a hardlight construct who was initially Eustace but has since been replaced [0].

The combiantion of these two implies that the Nanofather exists for moments within, or as, these constructs. His spirit seems to be able to travel between them-- to what extent this is under his control remains questionable. Perhaps he is living within the park itself, haunting it. This is given further support at the end of episode 27, when an arcade machine in the back of Poppy's Place crackles with static and we hear the Nanofather say, "act... quickly." Emerich however is unable to make further contact, and this is the last time he seems to interact with them. Montrose says that they "have a ghost in the machine"[28].

4. The World He Inhabits [what we know about the environment, the character, and allusions to mechanisms of communication]

In his first appearance, the Nanofather says to the audience (which may be moreso to the players/player characters? uncertain), "welcome travelers," establishing that we are not from the same place he is.

The world he lives in is fleshed out through each episode. Highlights include "quite a long day tending to the muck fields" [5], "I've missed the meeting with the rust council"[13], and the afformentioned scum canteen. He also says, in episode 6, "I have a new tale for you. Of a muck-dweller turned hero to his- to his people… I seem to have lost it in the last rust storm." This sets him in a sort of wasteland. He also says, or rather, sings, "I'm a neutron guy, you're my nega-girl, I'll sweep you through the ash waste as we make our way through the,"[10] before he cuts himself off.

It seems to be a world where things are rough-- he says, "to make it 37 years is quite a blessing"[13]. That implies his age is 37, or that he has survived 37 years in the conditions that he is in. Additionally, he says, "you will find it in the pyre"[19], a pyre being defined as "a combustible heap for burning a dead body as a funeral rite," implying that they either have to make their own fires or 'bury' their dead.

Notably, there seems to be a recurring theme surrounding weather and time.

"It's gotten so quiet, lately... in the nights... and in the mornings... and the cyber night, the time between the night and the mornings..."[14] "It seems the storms have come early this evening"[4] "The last rust storm"[6]

This implies that time is somewhat technologically controlled, and weather is on a cycle. The building of Steeplechase, or what we are to assume is, is like holographically augmented[31], and so are the inside skies of the park. It is plausible to say the environment wherever the Nanofather is could also be simulated.

5. Wall Breaks [speaking to the players]

These indicate communication from the nanofather directly to the players. They imply to us more about the world, but more importantly, the means of communication and lore surrounding it.

In episode 9, we open the episode hearing a different voice. They say, "Hello? …Hello, spirits?" and begin to knock. "Nanofather says the spirits can hear you through the wall. Spirits… are you there?" But they are interupted by a familiar voice-- "Kavecca!," the nanofather says. "Just another of his stories, I suppose," Kavecca amends. "Kavecca, away from that! You dabble with powers you do not understand!" This raises a lot of questions from the players, about who Kavecca is, why there is another person speaking to them, and what the fuck the 'nanofather' means. What interests me is the referral to their audience as "spirits"-- and what implications does that have? Are they between the world the players inhabit and Steeplechase? Are the players spirits? Also factoring in Blades in the Dark, which has ghosts in it, which have been altered into hardlight for Steeplechase-- maybe the hardlight kept some of that original intent. Maybe that's how the nanofather is able to inhabit hardlight.

In the following episode, we find the nanofather singing a song. What follows is pretty strange.

ohh… I’m a neutron guy… and you’re my nega-girl… I’ll sweep you through the ash waste as we make our way through the…. [click] …do you hear me, Travis? Travis: What? I’m sorry… I didn’t realize I’d left the horn on. Travis: Are you speaking, are you- talking to me? Fare thee well. [10]

First, in "I didn't realize I'd left the horn on," a horn is primarily UK slang for telephone. That could be interpretted here as a literal telephone or whatever line of communication they seem to share. Next-- he directly addresses Travis. This is the first conversation the players have with this character, and so far the only. But it isn't the only time he addresses them:

Clinton? Travis? Gribby? My three… my three favourite micro-nephews. Here to visit me. What a wonderful treat this is… Come. Let me see if I can’t find you a new tale… Griffin: Gribby! Gribby can only say his own name. Justin: Oh? Griffin: Yeah, that’s sort of his thing. Justin: Do you… how do you… I’m surprised you have insight into these three new characters… already. Travis: I’m trying harder and harder to just pretend like we are not on the call when he records that part. Griffin: It’s the only way to not be... ensorcelled by the tapestry he weaves. Clint: Not me. Not me. Did you say Clinton? Clinton… Travis: It sounded like Clinton. Clint: I wonder who that is. Justin: Clinton, Travis and Gribby are apparently, I’ve just found this out with you guys, is— did he say— Griffin: The micro nephews. [15]

This is interesting because Travis is the only one whose name is not altered, and he was specifically addressed before. What we also glean from this is that the nanofather views them as micronephews, so he has an alleged relation to them. Previously, he has called them children but it wasn't apparent until now that he was addressing them specifically.

In the intro with Kavecca, it is important to note that they are the first person to call the weaver "the nanofather." We know from his time as Geltfrimpen that the nanofather has no proper name. Nanofather is more likely to be a title, or rather, a signifier of Kavecca's relationship to him, such as being his child or grandchild. This would put Kavecca on the same family tree as Clinton, Travis, and Gribby, if they really are his "micronephews."

6. Descent Into Weirdness [tonally different moments and their implications]

Everything The Nanofather says is weird, but these are the moments that absolutely baffle me, or upon which he is commenting on the story somehow.

The first time he seems to comment on the events of Steeplechase is in Episode 16, in response to a plot twist at the end of the previous episode (in which the Barrister arrived to kick Emerich's ass but they got him stuck in a machine). He says, "Oh, that’s not right… [rustling paper] …Oh, but this doesn’t make any sense, it was… The story wasn’t like this …. Or… I-Is it changing?" He then follows this in the next episode by... just... breathe-whistling menacingly? Note that this episode takes place when they are travelling between layers, on the start of their Ephemera quest.

Episode 18 starts with, "Oh… Oh, they haven’t… even begun to fathom it… But you…. You swore, we both swore? You know they’re not ready!" I wonder who the "you"/"we" is in this. Is it us as the audience, the players, or perhaps Kavecca? Eighteen is the beginning of the time they spend in Ephemera, and at the beginning of the episode Krystal has an encounter with someone in the Gallspire. This adds on to the commentary in 16 and implies that there is something bigger at play...

Episode 20 presents us with a poem of sorts:

Ever faster, ever closer, ever never slowing down… Ever nearer, ever clearer, ever nipping at the gown... Ever spinning, ever grinning, ever hearing what they please. Ever growing, ever knowing, that they are the disease…

There is no direct indication of what this is talking about, but I think it's about Dentonic. They never slow down, they don't know when to stop dreaming! They will warp whatever they must to fit their narrative and they don't care what the casualties are.

When the Weaver makes his entrance into the world of Steeplechase, at the end of 20 and speaking through Geltfrimpen, these occurences get more frequent:

"Oh, I… I’m mostly… mostly… with them now… [chuckles] ah… ah… smaller than I… assumed…" [21] "Mostly… echoes… yet to be… I’m sorry, I know that doesn’t… answer your question…" [23] "Yes… yes, I was surprised too, Shookles. What? Oh… Oh, they didn’t hear…"[25]

25 ends with Gravel being arrested for Sticky Finger Paul Pantry's murder. 26 opens with, "…yes, but I’d assumed it was… consigned to legend! I never would’ve expected- i guess… my understanding is not… what I’d thought it was. Terrifying, in a way, but also… quite wonderful." I can't even begin to parse what he's talking about.

Then of course, there is 27: "No, no, not to the boat... Only one... one node per layer... I tried to maintain hopping... but it’s too taxing... too many...noises..." What fucking boat? And he tries to hop between layers- maybe the nodes are in the things he is inhabiting. Geltfrimpen, the arcade box, hard doug, eustace... The arcade machine and Geltfrimpen aren't made of hardlight, and these are the methods through which he has actually been able to speak (he could only see through hardlight)... maybe these are the "nodes?" I wonder what the noises refer to.

When things start looking down for the crew as they try to piece together what the fuck is happening, The Nanofather opens episode 28 with, "I’m not sure yet… I’m hopeful… Ah, Shookles… optimistic…or perhaps… perhaps optimism is just the last refuge of those… with nothing left to lose..." The Nanofather is referring to himself in this line, and the fact that he considers himself to have "nothing left to lose" implies that he has a strong connection to the events in Steeplechase, particularly to the crew-- which makes sense given their previous interactions. But what is at stake for him is unclear.

In episode 30 he says, "The thought had crossed my mind… But it can’t be long now…" I must say this is particularly ominous because I have no idea what the "thought" is or what he is waiting for. His salvation?

Finally, we have episode 31. His last appearance.

"It feels… like something… has frayed…"

In this episode, Kenchal Denton speaks to the crew a lot about cutting loose ends. And then he drops them out of a hovercraft into a desert that seems to be entirely disconnected from the electrical grid Steeplechase is on. And we don't hear from The Nanofather again.

7. Ties to Clint McElroy. [the ways in which this comes back to him.]

[post-discussion following the moment in episode 10 when the nanofather asks, "do you hear me Travis?"] Travis: Is that guy my real dad? Justin: You wish Griffin: Legally, you have to tell Travis, if the muckdweller is his real dad Justin: Not the muck dweller. The nanofather. Please- Travis: Oh, it's right there in the name! I should have seen it a mile away it's so obvious now!

Now, this may be a stretch. And it started out to me as a joke, but guys. The further I get the further I am convinced. The Nanofather is connected to, if not is, Clint McElroy the Planeswalking Janitor.

Evidence A: He calls them "children" when he goes to tell them stories. Counterpoint: Clint can't be his own son. Counter-counterpoint: Clint's full name, according to Griffin on an episode of Wonderful, is Clinton Emil McElroy Jr. Meaning, he has a father named Clint.

Evidence B: When the Nanofather refers to Travis, Clinton, and Gribby, Justin later describes them as "these new characters," in the same way he insists that Clint McElroy his father and Clint McElroy the Planeswalking Janitor are separate things [Spiritbreakers Live in San Jose].

Evidence C: The Nanofather hops between layers, in a similar way to how Clint hops between planes. And the Nanofather seems to be fractured, scattered, not his whole self. He is powerful but weak. He is able to speak to players, characters, and potentially the audience? It transcends the boundaries between the two worlds...

Evidence D: Justin is a big fan of the TAZiverse. He has shown this multiple times but the ones I remember most are of course, when he introduces "Taako from Television" in Ephemera (and other Balance things, implies it was a legend passed down, etc), and when Griffin introduced that he would be playing Indrid in Dust 2. Like of fuckin course he'd be excited to bring things together more in small ways.

Evidence E: There has been increased Clint McElroy the Planeswalking Janitor activity, the most since before Ethersea. In April, Justin played the character Clint McElroy the Planeswalking Janitor in a liveshow in San Jose (I was there hi!!!), which had initially been planned for November but was rescheduled. Both of these, though, fall under the time in which Steeplechase was active, so he was thinking about this character during that time. Additionally, the merch of the month for August is a sticker of Planeswalking Janitor Clint McElroy. And he was mentioned in Steeplechase Episode 26, when there was debate over whether something was said by Emerich or his player.

Travis: I think that was Dad. Justin: Oh. Well, I mean... yeah, I guess dad could be in it too, Trav. Is that what you’re saying? Travis: No, I’m just saying, I think Dad was making the observation— Clint: Oh my God! Is this an appearance by Clint McElroy, the planes-walking janitor? Griffin: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Clint: Okay— Travis: No, no, not yet. Justin: No, we can’t, we can’t. Travis: Don’t force it, don’t force it.

Evidence F: I didn't expect to find this one. Honestly I think it shows that I have gone too far as a person. But... guys this one drives me crazy. So. We meet Shoockles in Episode 4, when The Nanofather introduces him as "Cat bart... he's my cat. Bart Shoockles." And guys I was like haha that's funny there is no way this is related... But then I was on Clint's Instagram trying to figure out if maybe he had a cat, since I know Justin has one. And I came across a photo he took of a white dog, which I wasn't sure was his until I got confirmation from an old post on one of the boys' Instagrams. But... in the caption of the post with his dog, he calls him Homer. Clint McElroy has a dog named Homer. Let me just, direct you to the Simpsons family tree:

Finally, Evidence G: Justin would go really far for a bit. He likes to have fun and get silly with his family and he knows Clint would get a huge laugh out of this. And he would also do anything to get a good age joke on his dad.

8. Conclusion [how it all comes together]

The moment you've been waiting for. What does it all mean?

The Nanofather seems to play no real importance to the main plot in Steeplechase at this point, but he has huge potential to. More importantly, looking at the Nanofather gives us some insight into the state of the park and where the player characters find themselves. He works as both a narrative framing device and as a part of the story. He talks to the players, the characters, and the audience, truly bringing a special flavor to Steeplechase.

With everything we've seen and heard, there is sufficient evidence to say that the Nanofather lives within the walls of the park, travelling using its energy grid. He has only been able to manifest to the characters through the electronics and hardlight creations. When they arrived in Kidadelphia in episode 32, it was apparent they were not connected to the same electrical grid, and there was no hardlight. The fact that he was completely silent in both 32 and 33 supports this theory, because there would be no way for him to communicate with them. Either that or they were too late and he died.

He has found himself in a wasteland, with weather and times that are controlled electronically. He is scattered, does not have a name-- a shell of who he once was. If the Carmine Denton Nanofather theory were correct, this would be a beautiful picture: the guy who created a way for others to escape is trapped in the destruction that his creation wrought... Regardless, I am concerned for his wellbeing since it seemed like he was in a hurry.

The interactions between the Nanofather and the heist crew imply that there could be a larger plot with him, but I don't know how close that is to happening. The Nanofather is one complicated guy, and if they want to save him I... guess they'll have to never know when to stop dreaming.

Thank you for coming along with me on this long and gruesome ride. I started this way back after episode 30 aired, I think. It's been simmering for a month, my own personal stew of sorts... For those of you who have helped contribute to my madness, thank you, and to those who have watched in horror, I'm sorry. It's been a real one.

And now, to send you off, I present to you this excerpt from Episode 10:

Justin: Our friend and employee Jupiter is kind enough to help pull together recaps of this dumb stuff, but Jupiter, showing a lot of wisdom here, does not track the story of the nanofather […] Travis: I think they realize it's been so clear cut at this point that any child could keep track of all the nanofather/muckdweller lore.

[fishlung8877]

You should post more about your rimworld characters :3 I like them :3:3 also you should tell me about them (if you want to, feel free to not do any of this) ALSO have you seen the new dlc?? It's really cool

SORRRY FOR TAKING SO LONG TO ANSWER, I GOT THIS RIGHT AS I WAS HEADING OFFF FOR THE NIGHT AND WAS BUSY ALLL DAY TODAY

Helll yeah I saw the new DLC! I haven't played it yet though, I only have Biotech right now and plan on gettting Ideology next, but Anomaly's next after that, it loooks so goood man

Anyway, this is Ianna Ankarian! 28 year old baseliner goober mechanitor. She's a reclusive, neurotic, asexual body moddder with 19 total implants and bionic parts, and a genetic modification that makes her (almost) immortal and gives her a genetic dependency on cocaine

Right now, we're flying solo with just Ianna and her mechanoids, but there used to be a bunch of other members of the colony as welll lol (it's a bit of a ramble so I'm puttting it under a cut lol, plus my favourite story from the colony)

The first was a 3 year old named Forbes who got torn to death by a Fennnec fox and a Wild man that wandered into the map, I kept his corpse in the freeezer for a few years in case I could find something to revive him, but it ended up becoming trashed and I finallly just buried him properly after his body rottted

Then we had another child who actuallly made it to adulthoood! Her name was Duott, but got the nickname Madam. She was a Yttakin Nudist Teetotaler and was Ianna's best friend up until she died

After that, a wanderer joined the colony, this guy's name was Seis, a psychicallly sensitive, perfectionist undergrounder

We didn't have a third bedrooom set up, since I never reallly intended on gettting more than two colonists, so I just put his bed in the lab with the mechanoids lol. He didn't actuallly seeem to mind it very much and actuallly considered it a "Very Impressive Bedroom" just cause of how much expensive shit was in there.

Unfortunately, after a rough fight with a War Queen, he ended up bleeding out from his injuries. We get a part 2 though, because the Man in Black who showed up after this turned out to be his son! Small world

Like his father, Nerhesi was also a perfectionist. He was also Very Neurotic and a misogynist. He kept flirting with Madam and Ianna and was in a shitty mood all the time cause he kept getting rebuffed by both of them. After one too many nutrient paste meals, he food binged his way into an insect nest and was swiftly torn to shreds by a megaspider

ˢᶦᵈᵉ ⁿᵒᵗᵉ ᴵᵃⁿⁿᵃ ᵃᶜᵗᵘᵃˡˡʸ ᵇᵉᶜᵃᵐᵉ ᵃˢᵉˣᵘᵃˡ ᵃᶠᵗᵉʳ ʰᵉ ʲᵒᶦⁿᵉᵈˀˀˀ ᴵ ᵈᶦᵈⁿ'ᵗ ᵉᵛᵉⁿ ᵍᶦᵛᵉ ʰᵉʳ ᵗʰᵉ ᵃˢᵉˣᵘᵃˡ ᵗʳᵃᶦᵗ ᵒⁿ ᵖᵘʳᵖᵒˢᵉ ᵇᵘᵗ ᴵ ᵍᵘᵉˢˢˢ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ ʷᵃˢ ᵃ ⁿᵒᵗᶦᶠᶦᶜᵃᵗᶦᵒⁿ ᴵ ᵐᶦˢˢᵉᵈ ᵒʳ ˢᵒᵐᵉᵗʰᶦⁿᵍ ˡᵒˡ ᶦᵐᵃᵍᶦⁿᵉ ᵇᵉᶦⁿᵍ ˢᵒ ᵇᵃᵈ ᵃᵗ ᶠˡᶦʳᵗᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘ ʲᵘˢᵗ ˡᵒᶜᵏ ᵒᶠᶠ ᵗʰᵉ ᵒᵖᵗᶦᵒⁿ ᶠᵒʳᵉᵛᵉʳ

Up next we recruited Cap! Another random wanderer join, We decided to let her in cause we were short a pair of hands after someone decided to commmit suicide via insect jelly. Turns out not only was she pregnant, but neither Ianna or Madam liked her cause they both recognized her from somewhere and were immmediately suspicious. She was a great coook though, and both Madam and Ianna got a much-neeeded break from eating nothing but paste meals

Unfortunately this is where shit starts to hit the fan. Remember that insect nest that Nerhesi wandered into? Welll it was growing rapidly. So we did the only reasonable thing we could and exploited it. Here's them killling the Apocriton with absolutely no problem

After this, we summoned a Diabolus, thinking we could get an easy free signal chip and well. We got the Signal chip at least.. At the cost of the entire colony

Seee, acccording to the description, the Diabolus is a mechanoid created for seigebreaking, so it was tanky enough to push through the horde of angry as hell insects and aim down its hellsphere cannon onto the nests, utterly obliterating them

With nowhere to return home to, the enraged insects now turned their rage onto the only other thing they could... The colony

It was a near-colony wipe. The insects were closing in. The safe zone kept shrinking smaller and smaller and we barricaded ourselves into the mountain with nothing but Hemogen packs to eat. Slowly, it became clear... We couldn't stay

Only by sacrificing the mechanoids we could make it out, by punching a hole in the top of our safe zone, the insects would be baited to the very top of the map and atttack the Tunneler. With the insects distracted, we gathered what litttle we could and caravaned out of there

We made it to a new tile with an ancient mechanitor complex to temporarily setttle and gather our bearings, but everybody was in a prettty shit moood about it. Ianna immmediately went on an insulting spreee against Cap, who responded by starting a social fight and downing Iannna by nearly punching her prosthetic leg offf.

Cap ended up going into labor while at this facility, and with our best doctor currently writhing in pain on on the ground and unable to walk, we had to make do

Our caravan was detected, but we couldn't risk moving while Cap was giving birth, so we tried to move into the ancient facility. It wasn't great by any means, but once we moved the corpse and cleaned the vomit and slime offf the flooor, it would be safe and it would be clean(er) than the outside

Despite our best effforts, Randy did not smile favourably upon us, and the baby was stilllborn. With no time left before enemy forces arrrived, we buried the baby outside and packed up

We set up camp in an alllied tribal setttlement, thanks to the help of the Visit Settlements mod. Despite us not having any foood, we could grow rice and hunt random animals to ward offf starvation, at the cost of faction relations

This was also where I watched several instances of cannnibalism happpen because these idiots would rather eat their friend's corpse rather than take from the stack of 300 pemmmican in the building next to them. They're not even cannnibals or anything, their AI was just acting scufffed as helll lmao

Scrumptious meal with the boys I guesss

To addd to the ever-growing list of problems, another catastrophe struck. Somewhere in space, miles above the planet, a massive entity moved in and blocked out the sun, bringing in a long night that lasted for years. No sun meant no light, no light meant no plants, no plants meant no growing any foood

Fortunately by this point, most of the insects have either starved to death or were wiped out by random raids, so things back at home have calmed down enough for the trio to swoop back in and wipe out whatever insectoids were remaining.

Of course, alll threee of em were in a shittty moood about it. Not only was the colony practicallly leveled, the ruins were completely pollluted from the insects destroying the freeezers that were keeeping the toxic waste frozen and contained.

Iannna and Madam were absolute champs throughout the entire thing though. They both had huge moood bufffs from being a body moddder decked out in bionics, and a nudist, respectively. Plus they both got a smalll booost from being BFFs. Cap wasn't doing nearly as great though, betweeen the stilllbirth and not having any innnate moood booosts from traits or relationships

Found within the wreckage however, was a small beacon of hope. Unearthed from the rubble was about 10 kilograms of Yayo, which is essentially the rimworld equivalent to cocaine. To keeep spirits up, I started making them snort it regularly, but Madam was a teeetotaler and refused to take it entirely. Forcing her to snort it only would have made her moood worse in the long run, and she cracked under the presssure and ran wild

Luckily she colllapsed from foood poisoning about 10 minutes later, but things were stilll grim. Since neither Cap nor Ianna had the animal handling skillls required to tame her again, now we had 3 mouths to feeed but only two colonists able to work

Even with the base in ruins, the raids came as strong as ever. Six naked cavemen from the nearby tribe of neanderthals arrived armed with clubs and knives. Despite their primitive weaponry, they were stilll able to down both of my remaining colonists. Another man in black came, and they beat him up tooo

By some Miracle, Ianna was able to crawl her way to safety indooors before the raiders swoooped back in to kidnap whoever was left, but Cap bled out before she could be rescued

Thanks to her bionics, Ianna wasn't bleeeding very much and managed to stand back up and continue rebuilding, but somewhere along the way, she ended up losing her prosthetic leg, so now our last colonist's movement speeed was slowed to a crawl

Of course, Randy smiled upon us for once and blesssed us with a crop of tinctoria, which not only couldn't grow without light, but was also inedible

Speaking of things being edible, The only foood left on the map were random animals wandering in, the corpses of insects lying around, and the few dead raiders we managed to down. Of course, desperate times callled for desperate measures...

As if our luck wasn't bad enough, Randy decided to send in a Toxic falllout, which killled the few crops we had growing with sun lamps and drove offf alll the animal life on the map

We tried to keeep both Iannna and Madam fed and healthy through this alll, but with Madam being a Ytttakin and eating more than a regular human, she ended up starving to death in her prison celll. With no other foood and no other choice, Iannna ended up having to cannnibalize her best friend/daughter

Alll of this ended up being tooo much for Iannna to handle and she tooo ended up breaking. She had a tantrum, destroying the components we had left, then began to binge on Yayo

With the only colonist fallling out of my control, Alll I could do was watch as she became adddicted to psychite, overdose, and colllapse onto the ground. While the northern lights were outside

To be honest, I reallly don't know how we managed to pulll everything back together. Somehow she came down enough from the overdose to get back up and start working again. A trader came and we managed to trade offf some of the random items we had to buy back enough components to get a generator runnning and get electricity again

I'd addd more pictures and shit but I've hit the limit for this post and might have to share more later lol, I honestly fucking love tellling this story every time and you probably willl hear me telll it again in the future. I had another playthrough that I finished a few months ago now I think, and might draw some of the colonists I had in that one later lol

[cream-and-tea]

🌙 ⭐️ for the asks please!

asks! asks! asks! (game i took these from is right here)

🌙 Crescent moon - Do any of your character have to hide a part of themselves? Why?

oh absolutely because i love writing repressed little freaks and i also think that even the most open and honest characters almost always have some aspect of themselves they want to conceal even if they’re not aware of it. that kind of thing makes for really interesting conflict. it is hard to choose just one of my characters to ramble about for this since there’s so many of them, but i think i’m going to go with fiver because he’s such an extreme case. that guy isn’t just hiding A part of himself he is hiding EVERY part of himself knowingly and willingly and lying constantly to cover it up! in another world he’d be putting a fake name on his nametag at work and making up stories to impress people at clubs into buying him drinks but we’re here and he knows world-altering secrets instead! also he’s a late game main pov (i’m talking a one-off in the first books epilogue and then NOTHING until book 3) so we mostly see him through other characters eyes throughout the series, who all operate on varying levels of is-something-going-on-here-or-am-i-just-weird-about-this-guy?? (it’s both both is good) which is where you end up getting stuff like this:

And she likes Fiver. She does. Really. Truly. Probably because he’s impossible not to like. But as the days trip past it’s equally impossible to ignore the fact that talking to him feels an awful lot like talking to a one-way mirror. Seeing yourself reflected back ever-so-slightly tilted, knowing that there has to be something there just beyond the glass, behind the smile, but being unable to see past the light of your own shiny eyes in the cherry red tint of those infamous glasses.

as for WHY he’s like this… well you see- [COMICALLY LARGE TRUCK DRIVES PAST HONKING ITS HORN AND OBSCURING ME FROM VIEW] so yeah ☺️

⭐️ Star - Do you have a favourite character? If so, why are they your favourite?

i really wish this one was harder to answer because i love all of them so much i really really do, but it’s agnes-maria white (one of the mcs from my main project) alll the way for me. i think it’s because her voice just comes so? naturally?? to me? like i could be in her head for HOURS and not be worn down like i can get writing other characters. she just has a very strong presence to me and the arc i have planned for her is falling into place very very well even though i’m technically just at the beginning of it. she’s my best friend. she’s my specialist girl in the whole wide world. she’s 17. she’s never had a friend her age who wasn’t literally actually dead. she’s got mommy issues. she’s more worried about about being a closeted lesbian than about the cult that’s trying to kill her. shes an extrovert that doesn’t know how to talk to people. she’s filled with incredible kindness. she’s weird about god. she’s got the biggest brown eyes you’ve ever seen. she’s an “i can fix him” girl. she basically got into magic school by wandering through the death woods looking like three day old roadkill. she’s filled with incredible rage. she immediately imprints on anyone who is passingly nice to her. she was born to wear novelty earrings and listen to lo-fi beats to study and relax to but she’s in the fucking torture labyrinth instead. she’s even catholic.

[someone1348]

It feels good to be back! Apologies on being so inactive on here I've never had time, this summer has been too much but i found some time and inspiration to write so here we are!

People in this: Ler!Ranboo, Lee!Tubbo

This is a somewhat Irl fic!

(Lore is mentioned but its not based on the actual dream smp lore story so don't worry none of what you are going to read ever happened! It just fit the story!)

Tw: none, well i guess the smallest amount of fear, but other than that nothing!

I hope you all enjoyyy again im so sorry! Enjoy the fic my friends! And feel free to leave some requests in the asks! :]

___________~☆°♡°☆°♡°☆~______________

Enderwalking In Real Life!

Tubbo was the happiest of people on the planet right now! His favorite person ever ranboo! Who he'd been playing minecraft with for years it feels like was here! In the Uk! With him!

He could actually see him, hug him, he was real and he was here with him! For a few months too! Its perfect! The world seemed to let the smaller exhale, this is all i need.

The younger smiled contently as he watched him game on the pc he had set up on stream awhile back for his actual meeting. The Taller suggested they do some lore so that's exactly what happened, they logged on together and got started on some lore!

The chat went wild as they saw their beloved Ranboo start enderwalking as the Beeboy and their kid Michael slept

"⊑⟒⌰⌰⍜ ⎎⍀⟟⟒⋏⎅⌇, ⊑⟒⏃⍀⏁"

He spoke as he wondered around not being aware enough to stop or understand what he was saying, he eventually walked all the way back home resting back in his husband's embrace.

End stream,

Tubbo laughed to himself, Ranboo tilted his head looking at him "what are you giggling about hmmm?~" a slight teasing tone was hinted making him giggle a bit more

"Noho I'm just saying you are alot like your character!"

"Yeah? How so?" The taller asked curiously as the other shot him a big smile

"You both sleepwalk!"

"Hmm, i guess enderwalking is like sleepwalking but it was a one time thing for me! Irl me that is"

"Pffft! You kidding man you do it every night!" Tubbo lightly hit his shoulder as Ranboo giggled too "do not!" Pushing him back lightly going at it like two kids arguing over who did what

It was a great moment that was quickly replaced with the idea of food and bed. It was quite late so they got some snacks before brushing their teeth and going to bed.

"Hey! Let me know Tommrow if i sleep walk again tonight i wanna track these things"

"You got it bossman! Nighttt!"

"Goodnighttt!!"

And just like that the two were out cold, nothing but the sound of the wind, some crickets, leaves rustling ever so slightly, andd ranboo sleep walking and making noise.

It was almost peaceful, normally Tubbo slept through Ranboo's nighttime antics but this time the noise was to much so he stayed up studying him to make sure the poor guy didn't hurt himself.

It was the normal for the most part, a few small words or sentences barely noticeable by the human ear, some moving of things, bumping gently into a wall, staring out into the distance

Things seemed quite well so when Tubbo was about to go back to bed that's when he heard it

"Tubbo"

The sleepwalking 6'6 man had turned from his position by the window and looked him dead in the eyes

Tubbo tilted his head, he's said his name before in this state but something about it felt different, off, the smaller was slightly unsettled that was before Ranboo got closer saying his name again, Tubbo didn't notice anything strange about his walking, he was definitely sleeping but this was just weird.

Ranboo got close enough to where he was right beside the known goat hybrid twitch streamer, trying not to wake him up because walking up a sleepwalker is extremely dangerous he whispered gently

"Yeah man"

That was when he caught it "Tubbo,,,,,GOTCHA!" Ranboo's long arm's shot down to tickle alll over the poor sleepy boy's sides, his shirt already a little up from sleeping earlier, his bare skin being attacked without any warning or anything he shrieked, thanking the universe that the room was sound proof

"RAHahaAhaHanbOO!" The brunette giggled in different pitches squirming around on his bed as Ranboo smirked giggling to himself before pretending to sleepwalk again with his speech as his wiggly fingers found there way under his shirt and up to tickle all over his ribs, although it was less ticklish it was still fun!

"Tickle tickle tickle tickle" Ranboo repeated to Tubbo in his sleepwalk tone

"I knohohow yohohour awaha-AHHAGSAH!"

Tubbo's speech was cut off when the said sleepwalker tickled his underarms with such skill it was alot more ticklish then normal maybe it was because he was tired or Ranboo's tricks but he was definitely alot more ticklish than he thought he would be!

"Awww thats so cute, I've caught myself a ticklish little Tubbo for the road! Tickle tickle tickleee~" he teased tickling his neck and ears Tubbo scrunching up giggling his head off

"NahaHAha no EAhahArs NohohO RahaHanbooo!!" Tubbo whined a bit as the man cooed even more

"Dawww that's so cute! Ticklish little ears, hehe Kitchy Kitchy coo~" he whispered in his other ear blowing some air at the end so it's extra Ticklish, 'he was definitely ler mode now' Tubbo thought to himself before covering his own face

Ranboo giggled and paused the tickling for a second "Aww is the lee embarrassed"

"Not a lehee! And no! You just caught me off gaurd!"

"Whatever you say lee~ now uncover your face i wanna see your smile or else~" the open threat made tubbo smirk under his hands refusing to take them off yet

"Or else what big man~" The smaller teased back before hearing an deep inhale of breath

"Wait! wait! WAit RAN-BAHAHAHA NAHAHAHAAHA PLEAHAHAHASE!!!" Tubbo had uncovered his face but

The taller enderboy blew a gaint raspberry on his stomach right over his bellybutton

"RAHAHAAHAHANBOO WAHAHAIT! NO- AHAHAHA PLEAHAHAHASE!!" Ranboo had now begun tickling the man's poor ticklish stomach with one hand scribbling and digging (gently) as the other slowly and teasingly made shapes and other things with his nails driving the smaller into a giggly mess

"HAHAHAHAHA RAHAHAAHAHANBOO!"

Tubbo's mind was so sleepy all he could think about was how much it tickled 'it tickles, it tickles eep!' He was happy, giggly, red faced, smiling but most importantly he was comfortable, physical contact isn't really his strong point he's trying but with ranboo he was safe, comfortable, this was good. He was good.

"Tickletickletickletickle Tktktktktktktk~" the scribbling got more and more hyper as Ranboo got more into the babytalk, laughing along with his best friend

"OKAHAHAY PLEAHAHAHASE IHIHIHIHIT TIHIHICKLES! MEHEHERCY!" He immediately stopped rubbing the tickles away,

"You alright bud? Im sorry if i went alittle overboard" the taller rubbed the back of his neck in slight embarrassment

"Naha you're good man, that was fun!" Tubbo's smile was genuine and that is exactly what Ranboo wanted to see

The taller sat down on Tubbo's bed next to him as the said boy kept talking now that he was breathing normally again "i can't believe you tricked me like that!" He giggled pushing Ranboo again both laughing happily together

"It was the perfect plan! Im just surprised it actually worked!"

"I was sleepy, plus you're a great actor!"

Ranboo giggled

"Well played my friend, well played" Tubbo giggled before knocking out from already being sleepy to now tickled to peices he was down, giggling again the american smiled contently tucking him in before going to bed himself.

That nights rest was the best one they've both had in a long time, the rustle of the leaves and the sound of the fan in the distance everything seemed perfect, it was the best, Together.

--------------------------------------------------

:]

I hope you all enjoyedd!!! Again im so sorry for all the inconveniences! I love you all! Drink some water, eat something today, take a shower, take at least one water bottle out of your room, and take care of yourself because you deserve it! You are loved, appreciated, stronger than you know and everything is going to be all good! Big hugs from me to you my friends! <3

[humankoalaa]

BATWOMAN SEASON FINALE!

*SPOILERS AHEAD*

before i get into the season finale of the best show on television with the best cast on television let’s establish something… wildmoore is the standard.

i hate flashbacks in finales 😫 HATE.

one thing about mary… she gon wear her leather pants and in the words of mrs. ryan wilder-moore (leave me alone im just practicing) looking fine as hell 🥵

alice… sweetie… there’s just so much to unpack here and it’s been 3 seconds 🥴 does arkham just not have guards? are those jumper cables? PAIN. this scene is pain.

all this crying right… how alice got more water coming out of her mouth than her eyes?

yeah definitely not jumper cables 😂

FIRST OF ALL.. sophie… who tf is batwoman because i only see cousin luke and a girlfriend present.

okay where is batwoman because ion like a girlfriends plan and she’s pacing. its giving very much not a chance 😫

mary… never apologize for being late. that is so unbecoming of you when you look that damn good.

look how she distracted me from her shit. alternatively give who to what? …

“mary…we know you feel a certain… whatever for her” 😂😂 i wanna be buried with this on my tombstone. remove mary and change feel to felt. that’s all i ask.

ryan: “… the buzzer created marquis” .. mary: “… the joker created marquis and if we’re splitting hairs he created alice too ” ….. huh? .. is it not essentiallly same thing mary?

mary… not even the devil is on your side so please 😒 and this is not what they meant when they told you to use your voice.

nobody:

mary: “.. i need to save alice’s life” …

y’all and the bat team: “WHAT ABOUT CATHERINE MARY?! “

me: “mary don’t even like these people”

catherine failed at faking a death and attempted murder, only to be murdered by alice her murderee and jacob is incarcerated. … alexa, play “i will always love you”. .. mary… .. dolly parton would like a word.

i can’t take marquis serious 🤣 the colored tips kill me cause they look like extensions 😫

ryan… he ain’t gon do shit.

under my umbrella ella ella ellla ay ay ay

is dana the only news reporter in gotham? … cause if she needs a break … sophie moore would like an application. SORRY.

and how the hold up open already…

heeeyyyy auntie. oooo she in pants y’all 👀 lemme find out auntie bout to be out in them trenches with the team.

you supposed to knock jada. who raised you?

“told you she doesn’t knock” 🤣🤣 exactly.

one thing about cousin luke… he don’t like nobody. the fucking blinking as jada impersonates his dad im crying 😂

it’s all of them staring at jada like … ….

🤣 i cannot stand them. this is seriously what batwoman is working with and somehow she’s still alive.

this mf said ryan went to run an errand 😂🤦🏾‍♀️

ok now it makes sense 😂

i just never know what alice is talking about.

the joker is such a weird chaotic villian. who just wants to kill a bunch of people and like the pettiest part of this shit is if you don’t die you’re just gonna look like shit forever 😂🤦🏾‍♀️

“not to throw shade on my own sex appeal here” 🤣🤣 why is she like this.

wait…. she gave alice the buzzer?

jada … first of alll i KNOW you not talking about trust.

“i need my mom” 😭

WAYMENT not jada growing up right in front of my acai bowl 😭 they grow up so fast.

“martini o’clock”… cute.

hamilfox banter 🥲 we love best friends.

luke please 🤣🤦🏾‍♀️ she’s trying 😭

it’s sis eating pizza on the hood of her car for me. acid rain in the forecast she don’t even know it. bless.

“lord help me” 🤣🤣 tell me your team is useless without telling me.

sophie talking bombs. 10/10. more of that please.

ryan and sophie bickering is my religion and here i am to worship.

“im not losing you ryan.. you don’t get to play the crazy card with me…. im not losing you” 😭 iktfr say it with your chest sophie.

“nobody’s ever said that to me before” 🥲 trust me… we can tell 😂

just in case yalll forgot, wildmoore is the standard. the bar, pass go, collect 200 dollars, advance to free parking. money mi a preeeee iykyk 😬

here go this great value joker ruining the moment.

okay batwoman time to turn this shit around 😫 GET UP. also cousin luke… any moment now. aaannnyyyyy moment.

i swear to g-d she better not fall for this.

unbelievable 😂

ryan.. HURRYYYYYY 😫 alexa, play madonna 4 minutes.

marquis was gon have to be on his own because absolutely not. what street rat or weasel can save your ass 😫 apologize.

lawd don’t put my good sis through no more shit please 🥴 the lip thing 😭 it’s sophie not being afraid of anything until ryan leaves the room for me. ALEXA, play jason derulo marry me 😫 ugh. greatest love story ever told. argue with that lamp.

“you think im gonna die before you buy me dinner” .. same ryan, same.

🥺 luke. not the AI.

this poppycock joker like sit down 😫

batwoman… now i know you don’t kill. i know this. but you gon learn today. you got a girlfriend, a bat team, a mother, and a whole lot of shit to do. so … let. go.

“you really willing to ditch the bitch?” 🤣🤦🏾‍♀️ i love their dynamic so much.

“if anyone can survive hard alice… it’s you” 😭😭😭😭😭😭

still properly confused about this buzzer situation.

“to be clear… we still aren’t friends” 😂

SOPHIE HURRY 😭😭😭😭 this is too much 😫

“call me batwing” 🥲❤️

ryda is my ship name for ryan and jada because ride or die okay that’s what happened and what a time to be alive 😭

y’all…. she got the girl, her best friends and her family. ryan wilder-moore, you deserve the world 😭

alice better come back eventually 🥺

they just meant they were gonnna disturb my peace with brunette alice.

girlfriends 😭 we really watched two black women fall in love y’all 😫 on the CW at that 🥲 i love it here. ion care too much about the political side of things but their story is just so personal to me for so many reason. to alll my sistas .. . finally🥲

I know they don’t have dana out in the middle of chernobyl reporting. throw the whole job away.

well shit .. never mind… rip.

ALSO, should that network cancel batwoman, we all understand the assignment right? because hbomax, netflix, hulu, radioshack and the lord himself will be hearing from my lawyers.

see y’all in season 4!

[hufflepuffhollander]

metempsychosis: t.h. series (part 2)

a/n | get ready for alll the flashbacks today, kiddos. it’s cute. it’s chaotic. it’s heart wrenching. i’m so in love with this story it’s not even funny. am i allowed to admit that out loud?

synopsis | A young couple whose lives were both lost in a tragic accident are reincarnated as new people. As they collide as strangers in their second lives, they must try to make sense of the innate connection they feel.

cw | reincarnation au. awkward meet-cute fluff, language, very vague allusion to death, flashbacks. 2.9k words. 

Read part 1, join the taglist

Metempsychosis (n.): the supposed transmigration at death of the soul of a human being into a new form of life.

Nobody likes to admit it, but there are forces flurrying around the universe that we just can’t hope to understand. The kind that control fate when humble, kind people are taken from this world too soon by the sloppiness of human nature, one thing that can’t ever truly be accounted for; that give those good souls a second chance at making the world a better place just by being in it. The universe decided it wasn’t their time yet, and in its infinite power sent them back down to earth, to start over, to live again. No, it doesn’t always seem like the universe really has a plan when it conjures its magic. But it seems all too coincidental that they would come to meet again this way, doesn’t it? Being in just the right place at just the right time, maybe—well, this will sound crazy. But maybe it was made to happen this way. 

~

Tom arrived the next day flustered after a long night of overthinking and not enough sleep. He couldn’t stop thinking about the artist he’d met, the way just her stare made him weak in the knees. He overslept, rushed into the studio in sweatpants, and to make things worse, he couldn’t recall a single dream. No teeth falling out, no high-speed car chases where you’ve lost control of the wheel...and no angel singing him to sleep. He hadn’t gotten a single new lyric down that the producers had asked him to have finished, and that fucking E string broke again. He was already having the worst day and it was barely 10am.

He flew into the meeting he was supposed to attend at the last possible second, and the door had barely shut behind him when he felt icicles pinpricking his skin. His eyes floated around the room until they landed on a familiar face. It was you again.

The meeting started and ended, neither you nor Tom absorbing a single thing that was said. You couldn’t rip your stares away from each other, speaking in confused, concerned, nonplus silent expressions and barely breaking eye contact for the whole hour. 

You seared into his pupils. Who are you?

He scrunched his eyebrows. Who am I? Who are you?

I know you from somewhere, don’t I?

You do?

I don’t know, do I?

You weren’t needed again on set for another few hours, but you weren’t sure you could wait that long to talk to him, to try to make sense of the appalling amount of deja vu you were experiencing. And what if he left, and you never saw him again? You couldn’t live with all of the unknowns, so you tugged at the strap of his guitar case as he tried to leave the conference room, forcing him to follow you somewhere quieter. Once you were finally alone, you were ready to start firing the interrogation questions until he turned to face you, stare burning a hole through the back of your head.

“Would you-- stop that!”

“Stop what?” Tom looked at you puzzled.

You swallowed hard to keep the butterflies from floating up through your windpipe and out of your mouth. “You- just...looking at me like that!”

He cocked up an eyebrow. “Me? You’re the one who won’t stop staring,” he huffed, trying to keep his vision from duplicating. Thankfully, when you blinked hard and looked away for a moment, he was able to ground himself. You had no idea that you were making each other sick out of sheer nerve.

“Look, I just- I felt, like, this really weird vibe yesterday when you helped me with my painting, and it just freaked me out, I- we must know each other, right? You know me from somewhere?”

Tom really got to listen to your voice for the first time then, and it shook him to his core. He could’ve sworn on everything holy that he didn’t know you, he’d never even seen you in passing; he would’ve remembered if he had. But your voice was slick with familiarity, like he’d heard you read him the world’s longest novel three times over. He’d never been so perplexed in his life. 

“Um, hi?” he snapped out of his thought as you waved your hand in front of his face, still waiting for a reply. “Earth to...whoever you are?”

“Uh, it’s- it’s Tom,” his cheeks flushed with embarrassment. He stuck his hand out as a formality, but you didn’t take it.

That name. You knew that name. You looked away in your own bubble of thought, smiling and silently laughing at a fond memory.

“Sorry, what’s so funny?” He was secretly glad you hadn’t taken his hand, because he was positive it would’ve been sweaty.

“No, nothing, just your name,” you said, smiling still. “My childhood cat was named Tom.”

“Oh, that’s cute- like, for a tomcat?”

You thought about what he said for a moment. “Uh...no, actually. But that is clever. No, I just, I loved the name. Always have. I don’t know why.” Tom just reflected your small smile. 

“That’s a funny name for a cat.”

1993

{ He wanted a dog his whole life, but his parents would never let him get one, so he told himself every day that he would go to the shelter and get his own the day he moved out. By the time he finally got around to adopting a pet, though, they had moved in together, and she only wanted a cat. So they’d compromised and got a kitten. He was never very good at saying no to her.

“I want to name him something funny, like Socks!” he said.

“No, no, we gotta name him after my Uncle Scott. It would be his birthday today, after all. And he always loved cats.”

“We can’t give our cat a person name, love.”

“Why not?”

“It’s weirdly formal. When was the last time you came across a cat named Kevin? Or a dog named Michael?”

She took the kitten out of his hands and tucked it into her chest defensively, eliciting a small purr from the animal. “I think those are all perfectly fine names, actually.”

“Sweetheart, if you ever get a cat all on your own, you can give it a weird, old man name. But we’re not naming our kitten Scott.”

“Agree to disagree.”

They’d landed on the name Snickers, but she always called him Scottie when nobody was around. }

Tom spoke again. “Well, what do I call you?”

“You don’t already know my name?”

“I promise you that I really, really don’t know who you are,” he pleaded.

“It’s y/n,” you respond. But he just wanted you to keep talking. Not only did your voice sound like butter to him, but you had to be the most unbelievably beautiful person he’d ever seen. “...Are you okay?”

He realized a second later that he had forgotten to reply yet again, and he racked his brain frantically trying to think of something to keep the conversation going.

“So you’re doing the paint?” 

“What?”

He internally smacked himself. “Sorry, like, you’re an artist, right?”

You gave him a weary smile, shoving your hands into your pockets. “Um, yeah, that’s what they call me.”

“Cool.”

You motioned to the guitar slung around his back. “Singer?”

“No. Well...yeah, kinda,” he gave you a nervous glance as he tried to stammer out a complete thought, his chest feeling immersed in flames. “I write the songs- I’m a lyricist. I sing them, but not really out loud. I’m the voice behind the voice, I guess.”

Your eyes flicked up to his mess of curls, finding the state of complete abandon they were in almost endearing. “Cool.”

Just then, Cameron called out, beckoning you into another meeting. You gave Tom a half smile. “I, uh, have to go.” As you turned around and hurried away, you weren’t sure if the sudden loss of nerve stimulation was something to be celebrated or missed. You hadn’t gotten any questions answered, but you just couldn’t think straight when your whole body felt as if it had been dunked in an ice bath.

Tom sat and brooded over his notepad for hours, writing a line and crossing it out, playing a riff on his guitar and cursing at the broken string. His mind was completely blank. This had never happened to him before, and it couldn’t when he was under as much pressure to perform as he was. After a frustrating and uneventful brainstorming session, he packed up his stuff and followed the long way out of the studio so he could pass by where he thought you might be, one more time, just in case you were still there.

You saw him appear as you walked across a ledge, and tripped over a wire, falling down. He rushed over to help you up, and unfortunately, you really did need the assistance. 

“Hey, hey, you okay?” He leaned down to extend an arm, and you gratefully rested your hand on his jacket sleeve to pull yourself up. His other hand reached for your free one, and no sooner had his skin touched yours did you feel a shooting pain at the point of contact.

“What the-” you pulled your arm back quickly, searching your hand for an injury, but there was nothing there. “What was that?”

Tom was staring at his own palm, flexing his fingers back and forth in confusion.

“Are you covered in static electricity or something?”

“What kind of question is that? Of course not,” you were visibly anxious now, waving his hand away as you tried standing on your own. But without your cane, that godforsaken cane, you still needed his help. You braced yourself as you took his hand, and when you went to look into his eyes again, they looked hazy- almost splotched with dots of red and blue. 

He looked at you as you rose to his eye level and felt the interminable urge to wrap you up in his arms and hold you, like you were a long lost friend he hadn’t seen in years. But all he did was graze your wrist with his fingertips as you pulled away from his grip, and was confused when he didn’t feel a small raised bump on top of your wrist bone. At that thought, Tom almost lost his own footing. Why did he expect to feel something there?

{ She was wrestled to the ground on her back, each arm pinned on the floor by one of his. Lost in a fit of giggles, she couldn’t escape his grip, and stuck her tongue out at him. “This still doesn’t mean you win.”

He rolled his eyes and let his body weight drop onto hers so he could plant a gravity-inspired kiss on her lips, staying there as she slinked her tiny arms around his torso.

“Ouch, babe, your bracelet,” he said, wincing as it dug itself into his shoulder blade.

“Oh, shit, I’m sorry.”

“Why do you always wear that thing? We’re in pajamas and nobody here is expecting you to be dressed up,” he asked, propping himself up on one arm and moving to rest beside her on the shaggy carpet. She shifted the smooth metal around her wrist nervously.

“Oh, well...it covers up this birthmark I have,” she said, clamping the jewelry tighter.

“What birthmark?”

“See? The bracelet is doing its job,” she chuckled.

“Darling, let me see it.” He slid her hand away and unclasped the bangle to reveal a small, dark raised bump right where her wrist met her hand. She looked away in disgust.

“I hate that thing. I always have. It reminds me of a bug.”

He looked at her with his eyes full of concern at her discomfort, and raised her arm to his mouth, lightly kissing her wrist. She stared at him in awe.

“Well, I think it’s beautiful.”

“What? Why?”

“Because it’s part of you, and I signed up for the whole package, remember? Bugs and all.” 

She sent him a loving look. “What cheesy rom-com did you waltz out of, huh?” }

You both stood still, unsure of how to end the encounter. But neither of you were ready to simply let go of the ever-confusing mystery that was the nature of your relationship. You didn’t think you could focus on anything other than the buzz in your brain in that moment, and Tom caught on.

“Are you feeling alright, y/n?”

You didn’t feel the need to lie. “No, not really. I feel dizzy. But I need to drive home.” 

Tom immediately felt the need to take care of you, stowing away that feeling to break down and process later. “I can take you.”

You looked up at him disconcertingly. “No, you don’t have to. I’ll get my assistant to help...” you did a full 360 looking for Cameron, but he was nowhere to be found. God damnit.

Tom leaned down to take your supply bag from your hands. “Please, it’s really not a big deal. You shouldn’t be driving if you feel like this.”

You reluctantly released your grip on your bag and followed him to his car. As he pulled out onto the road and the darkness was only being skewered by the choppy headlights, you started to feel a panic well up inside of you. Your eyes darted around the interior, looking at the radio, the dashboard, the blinking check engine light, and the heartbeat in your chest became palpable. You felt flighty, like something bad was about to happen. Of course, you’d never been in Tom’s car or seen any part of the inside, but you could feel something in its air. And it creeped you out to no end. You sat rigidly in your seat, hands clasped tightly together, and pressed them into each other hard every time someone’s high beams careened past you on the other side of the highway. Tom looked at you each time, hearing your subtle gasps. 

“Nervous passenger?”

“Sorry, I just don’t like driving at night,” you stuttered out. You’d always been inexplicably petrified of it.

It felt like an eternity had passed by the time Tom pulled into your driveway, and you thanked him, shot out of the car and rushed inside all in one breath. You leaned hard against your front door as you closed it, infinitely confused and disturbed by the unchecked waves of fear rolling over your body. 

1995

{ They sang their hearts out to the newest Mariah Carey hit that came on the radio, paying little attention to the cars around them. It was a cold evening, the car had just warmed up, and clearly, so had their vocal cords.

“I’m so excited for tonight, love,” he said, reaching to lay a hand on her thigh, which she laid her own on top of. “It will be so nice to see all of our friends again after such a nasty cold season.”

The car dinged and made them both look up, seeing an orange flash coming from the dashboard.

“Shit, the check engine light,” he muttered, hoping she hadn’t seen it. She’d been nagging him for weeks to take the car in for a steering fluid change, and he had a nasty habit of putting it off.

“I told you to get that fixed weeks ago.”

“I know, I know. I’ll get it done this weekend.”

“Do you know how dangerous it is to be driving over black ice without a properly working car, babe?” She was visibly annoyed. He gave her thigh a gentle squeeze.

“Don’t worry about it, baby, we’ll be just fine. I wouldn’t let anything happen to you.” He pushed the thought out of his mind as they arrived safely to the party, and with a sigh of relief, she forgot all about it, too. 

Of course, they hadn’t known what fate was waiting for them on the ride back home. }

No less than two minutes later, you had barely composed yourself when you heard a knock on the door. You opened it to find an embarrassed Tom at the entryway.

“It seems that I ran over a nail on my way here, my tire’s gone completely flat.” He averted his eyes from your gaze. “Mind if I stay in here til the tow truck shows up?”

You moved aside to let him pass through, really wanting nothing more than just to lie down and rest. But the rush of blood you felt to your head as he grazed by awoke your senses; his throat went dry as he stepped through the air around you. You tried to push the preeminent, sleepy visions of flashing lights out of your brain and watched him settle in on your couch in a very idiosyncratic way; curling up all the way to the right side, tucking his left leg under him, and placing a pillow on his lap.

Why did you know he would do that?

[imdoingthismspaintadventure]

Worm 1.4 - In which a Worm fights a Wyrm

I felt a chill.  A part of me really wished that I had thought to get my hands on a disposable cell phone.  I didn’t have a utility belt, but the spade shaped section of armor that hung over my spine hid a set of EpiPens, a pen and notepad, a tube of pepper spray meant to hang off a key chain and a zippered pouch of chalk dust.  I could have fit a cell phone back there.  With a cell phone, I could have alerted the real heroes about the fact that Lung was planning to take a score of his flunkies to go and shoot kids.

Damn, she really went unprepared didn’t she? All of the objects mentioned there would probably be useless in a real fight, and with a phone she could alert authorities and not have to worry about biting off more than she can chew.

But as she doesn’t have it now she faces a moral dilemma: do I just ignore it and go back from where I came from and leave the kids to die, or do I jump in and try to disrupt the plans of a dangerous and famous crime boss.

That is less of a trolley problem and more like if there was only one track and you could throw yourself in front of it to derail its course. Cause damn. I guess she could blitz them and then run away?

At least, that’s what I had heard.  I was in a state of disbelief, turning the words around in my head to think of a different context that would make sense of it.  It wasn’t so much the fact that he would do something like that.  I just had a hard time wrapping my head around the idea that anyone would.

Oh. Taylor if something is true in the world, is that people are fucked up. Well some of them. There are also shining examples out there. Humanity as a whole is grand, but there are a lot of individuals that defy imagination with their bad deeds

Lung answered a question for one of his gang members, lapsing briefly into another language.  He grabbed one of his minion’s arms and twisted it to an angle where he could get a look at the guy’s watch, so I guessed it had something to do with their timing or when they were leaving.  The gang member who’d had his arm twisted winced as Lung let it go, but didn’t complain.

Look at this perfect way to see the time! Twist the arm of the person nearest you to see the clock. It’s so petty, I love it. Guess it is also a way to assert his influence and power, if he values those.

What was I supposed to do?  I doubted I could find any place in the Docks that would be willing to let me inside to use their phone.  If I headed to the Boardwalk, I wasn’t sure I would find any places that were still open, and I didn’t have change for a payphone. That was another oversight I would have to correct for the next time I went out.  Cell phone, spare change.

Yeah, I was thinking about that. Her house phone is obviously out of the question, and any other method would probably take too much time, not too mention they would change places and would maybe be impossible to find when security arrives

A car pulled up, and another three guys dressed in gang colors got out and and joined the crowd.  Shortly after, the group – twenty or twenty five in total – started walking north, passing below me as they walked down the street.

Oh great, as if things weren’t loopsided enough, reinforcements

I was out of time to consider my options.  As much as I didn’t want to face it, there was really only one option that I could have no regrets about.  I shut my eyes and focused on every bug on the neighborhood, including the sizable swarm I had gathered on the way into the Docks.  I took control of each of them.

Attack.

Oh damn, we are actually going to do it! Best strategy is probably:

1)Take down as much of the goons as possible while also attacking Lung

2)When he starts counterattacking run the fuck away.

I mean, you still would be in danger but his raid would probably be ruined.

It was dark enough that I could only tell where the swarm was with my power.  That meant I couldn’t even tune out the swarm if I wanted to have any idea about what was going on.  My brain was filled with horrendous amounts of information, as I sensed each bite, each sting. As the thousands of insects and arachnids swarmed over and around the group, I could almost see the outlines of each person, just by sensing the shapes of the surfaces the bugs were crawling on, or the areas the vermin wasn’t occupying.  I focused on keeping the more venomous types at bay for the time being – I didn’t need any allergic thugs going into anaphylactic shock from a bee sting or getting serious complications from the bite of a brown recluse spider.

The sensory overload of her power is seriously daunting. Also one of the most powerful aspects of her power if used correctly.

She’s swarming the group, biting and stinging with the softcore bugs. Doesn’t the brown recluse rot the tissue around the bite? A fully monstrous Taylor would be an utter nightmare

I sensed the fire through the swarm before I realized what I was looking at with my eyes.  My power told me of the bugs’ recognition of the heat, but I didn’t even have time to devote conscious thought to block out the instincts the fire set in motion before the damage was done.   The primitive thought processes of my bugs were reduced to confused impulses to alternately flee and to pursue the heat and the light they so often used for navigation.  Many bugs died or were crippled by the heat.  From my vantage point, I could see Lung lashing out with streams of fire from his hands, directing them at the sky.

Flamethrower hands! That’s awesome! And also highly lethal to Taylor’s bugs, which seems to not only burn them but also reverts the bugs back to their instincts in the presence of such danger

I suppressed a laugh, feeling heady with adrenaline.  Was that all he could do?  I directed the swarm to gather, so those who weren’t already biting and stinging were in the midst of the gang.  If he wanted to turn his flames on the swarm, he would have to set his own people on fire.

Fuck yes, Taylor thinks smart in a fight! (and for those of you that have watched Code Geass, doesn’t that almost-laugh and feeling of “I can do it!” after testing powers for the first time just scream Lelouch? )

The heated air and the smells gave me enough information, by way of my insects, to tell where Lung was in the crowd.  I took a deep breath, and then sent in the reserves.  I took a share of the venomous types I’d held at bay and directed them to Lung.  A handful of bees, wasps, a number of the more poisonous spiders, like black widows and brown recluses, and dozens of fire ants.

Damn, Taylor is more powerful here than I thought! Black widows and brown recluses, fireants.... that is a powerful army right there. The goons are fucked, but I get the impression Lung won’t be so easy

He healed fast when his power was working.  Everything I’d read online said that people with healing abilities would shrug off the effects of poisons or drugs, so I knew I’d have to pump him full of enough venom to overwhelm that aspect of his power.  Besides, he was a big guy.  I judged he could take it.

Fuck I forgot he had a healing factor! Taylor’s reaction to this seems to be more of a “Let’s up the DPS and override his healing” more than “oh fuck it’s not working”

Full-on with the venom then! That’s the problem with fighting with a power such as this, you have to get a little monstruous

From the information that I could glean from my bugs, Lung already had maybe a quarter of his body covered in armor.  Triangular sections of metallic plating were piercing through his skin, where they would continue to grow and overlap until he was nigh impenetrable.  If they weren’t already, his fingertips and toes would become like blades or metal claws.

He is really becoming a metal dragon holy shit. I have a really awesome mental image of the grey metal scales draped and surrounded  in orange/red flame.

I felt a sadistic glee as I organized the attack on Lung.  I directed the flying insects to attack his face.  With distaste, I focused the crawling ants and spiders on… other vulnerable areas.  I did my best to ignore the feedback that I got from that particular attack, as I most definitely did not want the same kind of topographical map that the swarm had provided just a minute ago.  Lung was bad news, and I needed him out of action as soon as possible.  That meant delivering the hurt.

Holy hell it must suck being Lung right now. Taylor can be brutal when she needs to be. The problem with fighting with a spoon instead of a knife, you have to go for the soft areas.

Taylor has some blood knight tendencies I see. Getting caught up in the fun of combat are you?

Rationale aside, I did feel a stab of guilt about taking pleasure in someone else’s pain.  I quieted that moment’s remorse by reminding myself that Lung had spread tragedy, addiction and death to innumerable families.  He had been planning to kill kids.

Taylor seems pretty good in rationalizing and justifying her actions. That is both good and possibly troubling for the future

Lung exploded.  No metaphor there.  He detonated in a blast of rolling fire that set his clothes, several pieces of litter and one of his gang members alight.  Almost every bug in his immediate vicinity died or was crippled by the wave of extreme heat.  From my vantage point on the roof, I watched as he turned himself into a human bomb a second time.   The second explosion turned his clothes to rags and sent his people fleeing for cover.  He stepped out of the smoke with his hands burning like torches, the silvery scales that covered nearly a third of his body reflecting the flame.

He just went fuck it, omnidirectional blazing inferno, scorched earth, and wiped out alll the insects he had on him.

I think you should run, this is a baaad matchup for your abilities

Damn, damn, damn.  He was fireproof?  Or skilled enough at using fire to superheat the air around him without burning himself?  The meager scraps of clothing that covered him were burning away, and fire licked and danced around his hands without him seeming to care.

I think he probably has a power that lets him generate fire very close to his body but without it ever touching it. Either that or he becomes fire wherever he generates it, like a devil fruit elemental power.

He roared.  It wasn’t the monstrous roar one might expect, but a very human sound of rage and frustration.  As human as it sounded, though, it was loud.  All the way down the street neighborhood, lights and flashlights flickered on in response to the explosions and the roar.  I even saw a few faces peering through windows to see the action.  Idiots.  If Lung’s next attack shattered any glass, they could get hurt.

Lung: fucking bugs! what in the fuck?? I go out to do my attack and a goddamn plague falls on top of me. Whoever is responsible for this is already cinders!!

From where I was crouched on the side of the roof, I directed some of the more harmless insects to attack Lung.  He lashed out with fire the moment they started crawling on him, which I had more or less expected. He was managing to kill the majority of the bugs with each burst of flame, and knowing what I did about his powers, I knew his flames would only get bigger, hotter and more dangerous.

Are there upper limits to his power? Or does he just, get stronger. Cause that would eventually be both aboslutely OP and a spectacle to behold.

In a typical fight, you figure someone would get weaker as the fight dragged on.  They would take their lumps, get tired, exhaust their bag of tricks.  With Lung, it was the opposite.  I found myself regretting that I had used only a relatively small number of the more venomous bugs, because it was becoming clear that what I’d used wasn’t having much effect.  He had no idea where I was, so I figured I still had the upper hand, but my options and the number of bugs in my swarm were running out.  Despite my earlier glee, I wasn’t sure I could win this anymore.

Lung thrives in a fight of attrition. As his enemies gets weaker he keeps getting stronger, until you give up and flee

You have probably lost your chance of beating him, or at least you will when he gets completely covered in the scales.

I hissed through my teeth, all too aware that time was running out. Before long, Lung would set fire to the city block, become immune to bites and stings in general, or destroy my entire swarm.  I had to get creative.  I had to get meaner.

Ooor you just could go 2000% offensive to all his tender bits before he gets the chance to completely transform. Holy shit.

I focused my attention on a lone wasp, and piloted it around Lung’s back, up behind his head and then had it circle around to his face and straight at his eyeball.  The wasp touched his eyelash, and he blinked before it could hit the target.  As a consequence, the stinger only sank into his eyelid, prompting yet another explosion of fire and a scream of rage.

Again. I thought.  A honeybee this time.  I wasn’t sure if he eventually got armor plated eyelids, but maybe I could use the stings to make his eyes swell shut?  He wouldn’t be able to fight if he couldn’t see.

Go for the fucking eyes. No fucking mercy over here

Maybe I won’t have to hypothesize about ruthless Taylor, she already seems to be there

and it’s great

The bee struck home this time, sinking his stinger into the ball of Lung’s eye.  It surprised me in that it didn’t stick or kill the bee, so I had the bee sting again, and this time the barbs let it stick in the skin at the corner of his eye, at the side of his nose.  The bee died that time, leaving some tiny organs and a venom sac hanging from the stinger. 

Lung could probably regenerate this damage, but still ow ow ow it must suuuck to be him

I expected him to explode again.  He didn’t.  Instead, he set himself on fire, head to toe.  I waited a moment, poised to attack with the next wasp to attack the moment he dropped his guard, but as the seconds passed, I realized he wasn’t planning on extinguishing himself.  My heart sank.

Surely he was burning up all of the oxygen in his vicinity.  Didn’t he need to breathe?  What the hell was the fuel source for his fire?

Oh shit now he’s like a walking demon covered in flame. No need to wait for the scales to fully cover him. He’s already invulnerable

Run

Standing in the street, he turned around, searching for me, with the flames that licked and rolled over his body casting light where there had been only gloom.  Abruptly, he hunched over.  I wondered if – I hoped – the various toxins and venoms in his system had done the trick. Then his back separated into two.  A meaty looking gap appeared along his spine, followed by an eruption of long metallic scales all down the gap.  After bristling for a few moments, the scales lay flat like dominoes falling.  He stood and stretched, and I could swear he was a foot taller, now with an armor plated spine.

Still on fire, head to toe.

He’s reaching perfect form

Will he be an actual demon/dragon at 100%?

Already he is becoming less human

Aah I wish someone like Murata could draw this, it would be a fucking spectacle

If the ‘constantly on fire’ thing had tipped the balance of the fight to futile, watching Lung grow and look stronger than ever had pushed me to the point of being spooked.  I started thinking about an exit strategy.  Rationally, I figured, Lung’s men were scattered to the four winds and they were probably in pretty rough shape.  Whatever Lung had been planning for tonight, chances were he wasn’t going to be able to carry out whatever plans he’d had after this debacle.  I had more or less accomplished what I needed to, and I figured I could run and find a way to contact the PHQ just in case.

Yeaaah time to get the fuck out

His plan is probably fucked, now let’s just pray he doesn’t kill you

That was the rational perspective.  Justifications aside, I just wanted to leave, right then.  If things dragged on and I stayed put, there was a very real chance that Lung would give evidence to the rumor that he could grow wings, at which point I would be spotted for sure.  I wouldn’t be able to beat Lung at this point, anyway, which left only a graceless retreat as the remaining option.

Ooh if he grew wings, you would have nowhere left to escape to anymore. Good thing is he would probably attrack the attention of some hero at least. A flying Wyvern of flame tends to stand out

Lung had his back turned to me, so I lifted myself up, slowly. Crouching, I backed up to retreat to the fire escape, watching Lung carefully as I set foot on the gravel of the roof.

As if a gunshot had gone off, Lung whirled around to stare at me. One of his eyes was just a glowing line behind his mask, but the other was like an orb of molten metal.

A victorious roar filled the air, less human than the outcry he had made earlier, and I felt a kind of resignation.  Enhanced hearing.  The package of powers the bastard got from his transformation included superhuman hearing.

.....

well fuck

f u u u c k

Lung is OP, he now has super senses and has found you. You better pray someone noticed, cause I don’t think you can do anything right now

Aaaa, and I got cliffhangered! I’ll see you guys on the next part!

I don’t have time to do the homestuck update today, will do it tomorrow!

[mtnkat3]

11.18pm

You/Alll know what...DPOne....this is what it comes down to.

I love You DPOne. I love You DOne. & I love You/Alll.

But I'm NOT a swinger, poly, open, bi, nor a switch. I will NOT share.

Any other touching... even ...here.

my primal queen Tijgeress takes over. Period.

It is the blending of the alpha beast within, & the submissive woman.

I am Your/Alll's mate.

MfM/M+? Committed. Lifetime. Closed. Not sharing. Marriage. A family.

Not contradictory either.

[Remember my ebooks.]

Why... because whether the comments have an "@" or not matters not. That is bad itself. But it's the fact it's on romance/ erotic/sexually charged posts.

I know that enjoying someone else's writing is good. Even supportive.

But You/Alll would require me to be careful, open & honest about it.

As I tooo do You/Alll.

Heck, I have ended friendships over it.

Because I love, adore, value, & respect You/Alll.

The only few friends I have left are aware & respectful. They have shown me friendship when others showed their intents.

But now...

I can no longer trust myself.

I cannot help but think there's more going on.

Whether this is another adversary tricks.

Or whether You DPOne do in fact want others...

Needs clarification.

Or did You wish to bury me in the dirt...

....

Just for me to clarify then.

When I spoke of vine & the fruit.

You & I DPOne, & DOne &Alll.

NOT ANY OTHERS.

Here's a question... how would You...Alll feel???

Remember, you disappeared. Then... 3.4.21... I don't know then either. But when I did find You DPOne again...

Did it make You happy...???

Because I thought I was being given the sun, moon, stars & the keys to Heavens Gates!!!

Back end of February. When I felt compelled by You/Alll's posts . That You/Alll were about to give up.

But was I tooo late...

I don't have any screws loose either.

Just... very confused. Frustrated. Attacked by the adversary on so many fronts I am being stabbed more than I'm slicing right now. [This... wh...health... don't even. Yeah I'm afraid that I'm gonna die before I am free. I'm not afraid of death. I know my soul. And I've known A LOT of deaths since the year I was born. No,...

I'm petrified of losing my soul's Mate/s.

You DPOne. DOne. & Alll.

You DPOne wanting to get rid of me & frustrated that You haven't...???

Or... are You frustrated by the trials & the attacks on me...

as my Mate/s would be.

I wonder because....

Your motivations

& every time I think I've gotten back on track with You/Alll I run over a rock & I derail.

I'm sick to death of it!!!

And also were those private posts...

or was that the adversary tooo.

You DPOne alone have the answers to aaaaallllll the angst that I'm feeling. And yes, DOne tooo. And yes, I am EXTREMELY concerned about DOne.

His pain is also a part of this. AND him waging the war alone... IT'S WRONG. HE NEEDS ME TOOO!!!! AND I'M NOT THERE & ITS KILLING ME!!!!

It's why I wondered about the post of veteran yesterday. Cause to me, it's every man & woman for that.

War is littered with the souls of the Warriors unable to fight back against the demons because they are not getting the support they need to do so.

I am a queen warrior sub. I am enough. For alll of You/Alll.

But I have not waged a war like this & I am floundering. Badly.

I need clues. That You/Alll have.

The other parts are wh, & health that I'm praying on.

I also do not want to hurt souls that have suffered enough. Mainly innocent souls. But I haven't the needed info for that determination have I. It seems that others are being used by the adversary. So I am trying to think about that.

And pray His hands, Plans, & Aill.

But also keep my soul's Mate/s. Because.

I will fight. For You/Alll. Forever.

Unless You/Alll tell me otherwise...

And remember that I am more stubborn than a mule, a bully goat. Or a bull... COMBINED.

How do I know....

I am alive.

If I find that the others are being used as the serpent...

I will eviscerate. Annihilate.

Tijgeress will be unleashed.

And my beast... she is Queen.

Remember... I am alive.

I have survived a tyrant.

And my mother. Spawn of one.

I have been attacked physically, emotionally, verbally, mentally & spiritually my entire life.

I probably still have bad luck attached from the full mirror & other things she thru at me as teen.

Why am I able to pull myself back together & have a modicum of thoughts on trying to solve this riddle of the sphinx?

I am alive.

This is the way God Created me.

Tijgeress is just as upset as I, but will sometimes slip the reins & speak our combined pain before I have collected myself up off the floor.

At this point... I don't know what to do.

You/Alll want me...???

Then I beg You/Alll show it.

You wanna still make me beg Bear???

Welll... I am.

And...I will.

That's for the knees.

Which I will rarely do.

You/Alll have me on my knees... You/Alll can dang sure believe in my sincerity.

It's not something that I can do easily. I will not do it easily. It will be incredibly difficult challenge to me. You/Alll get Tijgeress & kay to acquiesce...

Start up the band...do hi fives .... because You/Alll will have won a major victory.

It has been wh & mom's disappointment they didn't destroy me.

So think... how easy will it be for me to submit.

I submit to You/Alll because I have felt thr mate bond.

But You/Alll wanna tame me...rein me...

You/Alll got Your/Alll's work cut out for You/Alll.

Geeish.

I'm not a doormat nor a yes dear. Inwill question You/Alll. I will want answers. I will not give up. I want the how & why.

I don't just blindly ♡ Your/Alll's posts DPOne & DOne & Alll. I look at them first.

And go based on prior things if we are conversing.

Heck as frustrating as doing this is, at least I am talking to You/Alll!!!

I just miss personal interactions.

I want Your/Alll's voices on the phone! I want video chats, & then face to face!!!

I'm tried of mistakes & misunderstandings on social media!!!

I am ABSOLUTELY freaking sick of social media between us, & miles!!!

I WANT YOU/ALLL NOW!!!!

Sigh.

Drooping tail.

But...

Do You/Alll want me.......

You/Alll hold the keys.

To the answers, & to me.

I am trying to trust & give You/Alll respect.

But am I being a fool.

Only You/Alll know.

It's 12.38am

I probably better close.

Dejected. Sad. Lost. Confused. Hurt.

I love You DPOne. I love You DOne. I love You/Alll.

Please...

Stop the pain & the adversary tricks.???

Please... please... please...???

I am.

Your's/s' .

DPOne. DOne. & Alll.

But do You/Alll want me to be...

🔱💝🗝♾⚓🙏🙇‍♀️🌂🔗🧭🌠🕯😖😥😳💔😔

⚓⚓⚓⚓⚓🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏��‍♀️🙇‍♀️🙇‍♀️🙇‍♀️🙇‍♀️🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯

M.7.18.2022 12.45am

[eklavya-bhardwaj]

FACING THE TRUTH

I’ve been hurt before, I have been left out, I have been treated like dirt, I have been ignored before, but doesn't it changed who I really am?? I have been and seen both the ends of this leave of be left rope, I know how it feels I have been the guy who have prayed with fingers crossed to the god about things I love, when I consider myself as an atheist, You know I thought it was sooo hard to wake up in the morning, so scared to look in the mirror, in my own lies, standing upon the web of fake lies I’ve build for my own self by the help of the dark and subdued darkness that habitats in me, I motivate myself and then one motivation lands a kick right on my face and knocks me back the the dirt of shame and pretending phony attitude and the worst part I am in habit of this poison, its what my default is.... I see they have changed there profile photos, like they have changed, after ALLL I DID, they tell me I was a phase, I was a distraction, when I offered them my life, kept it right on there feet and all that for what? HUH!?? yeah just for them to kick it soo far away where I cant run even if I apply every last bit of strength in my muscles and bones, was I soo wrong to trust? was I soo ruthless to consider them my strength, was I soo naïve, well, I guess, but again, the worst part is that, I will stay this ruthless, and I know I will stay this way, and... I am scared, I can brag bout the bullshit all I want, and tell people I have backup plans for my backup plans, but I am hollow inside, not a single bit of anything left other than these voices of people screaming in my head, seeing shadows, welll, NO, IDK what to do, for all I know I have lost 2 of my best friends who mattered who cared about me, prolly the only two, I WANT THEM TO BE THE ONLY TWO! but I guess we will see about that, cuz there is only one real way a thing can put a full stop on to it, and its unavoidable, and just to let them all know, they can change there profiles, Imma TRY my best to retain myself in me, cuz I aint loosin m self for these bunch of traitors, and good kickers for the record lol

[thrufiyah]

Midnight Sept 28 2021 12:30am

Midnight thoughts

Finally got babygirl to go to sleep hopefully she’ll stay asleep. Homeboy over here dont even know I got up or that I’m sitting up typing rn ha smh. Anyway... honestly... lately been feeling lonely but with support if that makes sense...

Lots of paperwork here to fill out reg benefits, insurance, etc but it’s working out gradually. might be able to get a cabin soon for my own lil fam so we’ll see how that works out and we plan to move next year so we’ll see how that works out too... 

kinda leaning towards going our own way bc its a lotta hands involved and the left doesn’t always know what the right is doing or diff views on everything kinda confusing rn but itll work out

def an adjustment period. but just kinda feel lonely bc not rly anyone to talk to about honest thoughts? honestly? sometimes doubting... but excited in planning? now that were officially getting our own room to fill up w our own stuff is kinda sorta cool but not sure how it will go when the weather is bad

just gonna just keep typing as i go until i get rudely interrupted. lol

kinda bummed that i won’t be able to do this once lo arrives bc thatll be two bebes to constantly watch and never have time for myself

i always told myself not to have kids until i was financially stable and i broke the one promise to myself...... the one thing i didn’t want for my life..... but GOD you make a way when there’s no way

what else... worried about bebe growing if she’s ok normal all parts eating enough growing enough just idk.. always gonna be wondering... 

ill even be wondering when both kids grow up and things will come up like disabilities along the way and that scares me. not in the fact that i can’t handle it but how their life will be as they grow up

just hoping they have everything that they need and grow up happy and feel loved all the time and able to express themselves....

my patience does run thin these days but maybe its my hormones? but again maybe not lol haha

wow everytime i come back here i feel different and im always at a different stage in my life. 

missing my family in the way of how they remind me of who i am and where i came from they say ive grown up and that im independent but idk how much of that is really true

what else... dont rly talk to anyone much either... if anything it’s hb’s mom and then hb and even that isn’t much

daylight savings time is diff - sun didn’t go down until 7pm-8pm and it felt different. finally found my favorite grocery store that gives me a little piece of home and got to see a new side of town with the shops near the mall.. that was exciting lol

it’s really such a trip how much of a stop life is at the moment rn but i guess its a way to tell me we got to slow down hashtag cashaley haha

teddyswims and allenstone were dope on that yt video though lol

i oughta listen to more music to mellow out! haha. DEF need my own headphones or earpods... which HB didn’t give away my freakin mpower flames... lol. but headphones be hurting my ears but also i be needing them sometimes to chill or watch a movie

idk what the future holds but im holding on jesus lol im holding on....

hmm what else. lately ive been WAY TOO addicted to chocolate... and hmm what else... i need a journal just for notes like shopping lists, to do lists... etc.

glad im back in the tumblr and pinterest world lol. but pinterest to me seem like fleeting dreams and a whole lotta money mama does NOT have haha

hoping my work visa comes in soon so that i can apply for the residency one in december as soon as baby is born lol. 

i can’t believe i dont remember if i bled a lot or not after giving birth last year... but last year was such a year of turmoil trials and tribulations... so to me i get it.. but yeah anyway

it’s weird... i feelike im here and not here.. maybe bc of lockdown and now in level 3 but a lot of empty dreams happening! but goals are def being met and worked on and completed so i can’t complain about that

i get worried everyday if bebe in there is still kicking so many horrifying and sad stories around the world its just no way to protect your kids idek

as far as self care... i was kind of doing it but at least im cleaning more and helping around the house more? i just hope im not slacking where it’s most important

what else.... hm.... what else is on my mind tonight. body be SORE LIKE A MF. from having to be a 25/8 366 day arm pillow, having huge ass legs to lay on my side, damn i miss my side lmao, to having to share a freakin blanket lmao.

idk just a lot going on and not rly any outlet to do. this mf still aint notice im sitting here lol anyway

what else is on my mind.... for some reason i really wanna find more haircare stuff lol. i need pa’us lol and rubberbands, scrunchies, bins, what else... idek but i need it alll please and thank you lol

babygirl is kod rn so cute but baby just dont move sleep peacefully by yourself for now haha

anyway we’ll find out this week if we’re gonna move to the next chapter and hopefully nana approves of our new plan idek

what else... i swear i clean up and two seconds later its a mess again in here

trying not to be too paranoid about stuff in here but it gets to me when they all start to puss ugh yuck fkn gross man but well get by maybe the nzbugs aint used to american fat skin haha

fitness is something im def looking forward to out here... kinda need to go for walks more often whether its just down the street or the small park nearby which here is called the bush lol

dont even get me startttttted on vocabulary... lets see what ive learned so far here...

bush / wop wops - foresty tree area, gumboots - rainboots, jumper - jacket or longsleeve? dairy/superette - small convenience store not connected to a gas station, what else... rubbish - trash... idek cant think of anything else... oh chocolate is specifically chocolate and lollies are gummies and others i guess... newspaper rolling for all food leftover or compost i guess... idk thats all i can think of for now

what else..... that was GROSS bruh. haha tay said don’t lose your venacular... lol. maybe if i keep listening to throwbacks that remind me of home...

ok i feel better i guess now that i wrote down some thoughts gonna try to put these clothes away and then get some rest for tomorrow

kbye!

[indigo-night-wisp]

Get to know your author: honestly answer all of them but first answer 2 😁

ALLL? How about I pick like… five? @foxtrotsambablue

1, 8, and 16 answered here

Send me asks about writing!

2) what work of yours, if any, are you the most embarrassed about existing?

*side eyes* You’re a devious woman, Blue.

I honestly don’t think I’m really embarrassed about any work. I mean, my first fanfiction is a bit embarrassing, because it’s a tropey mess with no plot and only the barest grasp on how to write a story, but it’s still like… a part of my writing history? There’s a reason I haven’t taken it down. … Oh, actually, yeah, there is one (or two): here and here. The reason they are embarrassing is because I was upset because apparently my friend’s fiance thought I was annoying and I just wrote all of my feelings onto the page and in retrospect they are very melodramatic and ridiculous lol

I pick… 5, 10, 19, and 24 (at random). Under the cut because it got really long.

5) character you were most surprised to end up writing

I’m answering this in terms of both fanfiction and original because I want to lol

So, in fanfiction, the character I was most surprised to find myself writing is probably the OC created by Dark Lord of the X-Men, who invented the character and asked me if I would write a story about him. The character is named Nicholas Braddock-Wilson, and he appears in the story I Think I Saw a Movie Like This Once which I am linking to because I’m shameless. I don’t usually take prompts featuring other people’s original characters, so it was a challenge and also a surprise to find out how Nick was going to develop. But it was really fun too!

The original character I was surprised to end up writing is probably Lt. Dennif Morrisson, mostly because I never suspected that writing one itty-bitty snippet would turn into over 20k of random vampire shenanigans.

10) write in silence or with background noise? with people or alone?

Both! and Both!

I write with music a lot of the time, and I also like finding those ambiance videos or playlists so I can pretend I’m in an apothecary’s shop instead of in the library. And I can write with specific people around. For instance, I never get any writing done at work, because some people just love distracting me. But one of my friends/coworkers is really great at keeping me on track, so we sit and work together so we both get some writing done.

19) when it comes to more complicated narratives, how do you keep track of outlines, characters, development, timeline, ect.?

So I have like…. 14 different notebooks lying around, and most of them have their own story. I definitely outline for longer/more complicated stories, and try to make sure that each full length story has its own notebook so I don’t mix them all up. I also color-code and highlight in the document and I go through sticky notes at an alarming rate. Recently I started using a dry erase board to plan out plot lines and character arcs, which is fun. 

24) have you ever become an expert on something you previously knew nothing about, in order to better a scene or a story?

Russian folklore, lol. 

There’s also Prohibition era, which I am learning about for plot reasons for a new mystery story. I also took an actual class about music history for the purposes of Meet the Moorlocks (and also to graduate but mostly for writing).

I also read up on military ranks and uniforms and terminology for B Company and then chose to disregard all of it and do whatever I wanted lol

Thanks for asking, Blue!

[perfectionistincrisis]

Day 70

Seventy.

Life is going on. With ups and downs. Good days and bad days. Well life is mostly grey for me. 

As every day passes, i just realize more and more how much i love him. I really dont want to bluff about it but I just couldnt stop from typing it out because the realization blows my mind away. And one big reason is because I would never do what i did, or can do for him, and no one will ever mean anything even remotely close to how much he meant to me and will always mean to me. 

This might all just sound like a cheesy note any person in love would say but Oh God! trust me, this is what comes to my head after quite a good number of not-so-nice crap i have in my big fat head. So yeah! thats how i just know. This is not ever going away. And if I ever got a chance to re-live, i wouldn’t have wanted to fall in love with anyone else, orrrrrrrrrrr id just wish I was alone. That’s pretty cool tooo!! lol 

Speaking of which. Yeah. I pretty much do enjoy my own company. I just dont like communicating much with people. for a lot of reasons actually. Well, to begin with. I believe im a really complicated person. LIke, everyone has their own story and theres something twisty about everyone and bla bla but then I really do thing Im just not that easy to understand, and to top all that, I dont even like opening up to people so thats more of a reason to not get me. I am kind of aware of the fact that i seem to have a lot of ego and seem to be filled with pride and arrogance. But thats not true, thats just how some people see me, and i cant blame them because i think that is something i mask myself with. However, many people do find me really sweet and all but whatever side anyone sees, its always clear, im not really interested in getting too close with anyone and that i appreciate my own space. Sometimes, i do wonder if i really do enjoy being on my own or i actually want some good friends. But then the thing is, i have really really good friends back from high school. the only thing is, theyre not in the same country, theyre far away. but then again, even when we were all on ksa, we still mostly communicated on social media and stuff so it shouldnt matter much i guess. what im trying to say is. despite all the misunderstanding people might have with me, or people actually finding me sweet or whatever. or me not liking them much or wanting them to be my friends or whatever. the thing is, its not that i dont have anyone at all. because i do have people who know me. they dont know every little detail about me though, and thats because i dont talk much to them either. but they know me as a person. like i dont need to kiss their ass to get their attention, i can be myself with them.. i can be mean, and rude, or not keep in touch or act like im full of ego, like im so full of my shit and theyd still accept me. because they know that thats just how i am. im not sugarcoated. 

But.. it still doesnt matter

What im saying is. I prefer sitting alone on my own. doing literally nothing. no phone. no laptop. no means of communication with the outside world OVER actually chatting with anyone. or even someone who knows me so well and is close to me. 

Ok man, i talk a lot! So yeah that’s the thing! but when we were together, i wouldve done anything to not miss a chance to talk to him lol - thats just an easy way to put it out there, that he was different. 

And also putting it out there how my life is right now. I prefer my own company. I dooooo badly wish i had a ‘partner’ though - an ‘eating partner’!!!!!! haha! I really wish i could go to restaurants with someone to try food randomly. But then. idk. i mean its not that easy to find someone who has the same love for food and aso someone whos willing to spend money to try food or someone whod be able to hang out with me. especially i dont even have any good friends in ksa right now Ugh

Another really important reason i dont like talking to people much is the commitment. I hate commitment!!!!!!! And when i say commitment i dont even mean something serious like being in some relationship. i mean.. even the smallest commitment. like when you even knock someone and the person expects you to reply fast. Like okay give me a break! We dint exchange vows or something, yth do i need to reply fast. or whyd you even expect me to reply fast like idk. do people just pause their lives and just talk to other people? bleh Im not even ready for that so yeah! 

buttttttttt then again - with him. it was SO different. but like i said. it was only him!!!!

Something cool was the fact that i had a dream of him the other day. we never met each other f2f after our last conversation, so him in my dream was the first time we met f2f which wasnt actual anyways!!! But!!! I was so full of attitude. Like I could totally see my facial expressions and go like. “Oh God Youuu” to myself! Im usually full of attitude in front of other guys, if i ever am, which is kinda rare. just saying! 

So i read his post about him going to bd and stuff, and i wont even lie about how i totally never like that. but then this time its different obviously. In many ways though. One way to look at it is how i just remembered about the time when he was in bd last year! ~~~ And the award for the roughest of all times goes to!!!! 

Now comes the part were I actually give the reason why I dont blog much! Well tbh i want to blog all the time. But then!!!! Who am i kidding???? Its obviously cause I want him to read my post and blabla so yeah I dont! I mean. I really want to, but i dont. The same way. Forget blogging man. I mean. In this generation, with all these advancements and i say, no barrier at all. If we could decide like two mature adults to stop talking for nothing but good intentions then i sure as hell can keep myself from blogging about every little thing, and keep my shit together, and only blog when my mind and my heart says that i got it in my hands and im not going to screw up! 

and so that would mean that anything i post about, is just a very little, incomplete detail of the entire story and i almost always will sugarcoat it a million times and put it up here! 

but like i said - every thing just ends with me realizing how in love i am with him and as long as that is how it ends, i like it. 

So “losing weight” is like the --aim of my life-- right now. Just that its so boring oh maa gawd - and so i end up watching suits. which is soooooo niiiceeeeee omgg. And i actually love the couple there. Mike & Rachel! - oh and also its kinda funny to me idk why but whenever i see any couple onscreen that i like, my inner me kinda teases me going like “sarah, you loser!!!!!” and then i look down from the screen for a second or two like an actual loser would doo and then yeah i just “laugh it away” - like silently! ~ No hard feelings!

umm.so yeah i was saying. The main thing is losing weight and i want to lose one kg a week WHICH I AM NOT BY THE WAY. so i kind of get sad from time to time and all, and then idk get ok with it, and then sad again and alll that. and then battling myself against food is there. Today though i kind of figured out that if i watch suits while on the treadmill ill kinda stay distracted, and it wont be boring anymore and ill be able to go somewhere i guess. 

so theres around 9 weeks left for uni to open and i wish vacation never ended but yeah lets just face reality. And about my brother, 6 weeks left.   So that means I wna lose around 9 kgs before uni reopens but its smart to kind of plan a bit more than you actually want so that if you dont totally achieve your goal youll still land somewhere good. if you know what i mean. 

Now there is a lot i want to say. SO muchh. But I cant be fooling myself. It would obviously be for him only. So Ill just hold everything back in!!!!!! 

But one thing I want the world to know

Everyone has their own problems and their own imperfection and perfections and whatever. But ever since I had my eyes on him, i knew he was different. infact that is exactly why i liked him in the first place. I dont wna go in depth with this but ill just say it in the simplest way I can. 

When I was with him, yes, I did pray for a fairytale story. But not an actual one. because those dont exist. I had my own modified version of a fairytale ending. And in their, everything was not perfect. Everyone was not perfect. there was pain, there were people who didnt know what they were worth. All I ever wanted is to be the person to be ale to mend hearts, to help someone find their way out from the sufferings, to be a part of someone happiness. And even though we are not together right now. I wish the same. I just wanted it to be through me before. Now it doesnt necessarily need to be, cause it definitely will be coming from Allah both ways inshaAllah. 

I pray he gets to see what I see in him. And what people see in him. And most importantly, what he sees in himself but fails to value at times. 

P.S. My family is excluded from consideration in this post. when i talk about people, i mean everyone else except my family.  --ALSOOOOO-- I just randomly sat down at 5am and decided to blog today and so i sat with my laptops and this is all what flowed outta me! 

A totally random post! 

BUT i do wna mention how the tumblr app on my phone s.u.c.k.s. Cant give notifications properly *&^&%&^$%&%*^(0

Bye c: 

[haeroniel-doliet]

thoughts on ice skating

supposed to be under read more, sorry if mobile is weird! 

i mean ive missed multiple weeks and alll in all the society/ practice is quite weird like the beginners teacher dude keeps rambling off about like olympics skating or how higher levels have this and this move and look ive taught that advanced kid over there and heres how they do that technique rather than concretely helping us develop those basic skills that were apparently flawed at. like how do i do that correction youre just showing me bc clearly im about to fall over bc idk how to do it. and i tried being all professional and interested and make the most of it for myself, but cant help the frustration when it goes out of the easy shit into the stupid spins because apparently i just cant do it. be it my skates are too thin or too sharp blades or my ankle is not strong enough  or enough support thats why its going bad? idk even but i cant spin. cant do it. idk i kinda know multiple things that are fucking up and its frustrating and annoying and its just not gonna work yknow i can kinda turn 180. no i cant do the multiple spin spin spin that seems so easy. is it my skates or is it my inadequacy? im not getting new skates tho, im only here because i have my own skates a while back, im clearly so shit that im not even gonna be a milkly good figure skater im not gonna get in on that. i might as well do fuckin ballet rather than this. im actually looking into that kinda now id love to try. 

ice skating is dumb in the way that ive done it since im a child but never as a hobby, like ive done it with most the time my own owned skates since like 3-4 yrs old like young. but school only ever teaches forwards and basic backwards (apparently its cheating backwards) and basic stop and turns and idk things you learn somewhat naturally and my coolest tricks always been sausages (or bubbles as they call them here) and those are apparently baby level beginner stuff and im just :| yeah i can do those tho. and now ic an do them backwards which is kinda cool, and im more confident one foor skating/gliding. but like never as a hobby so i guess none of that matters, i did try to do intermediate and could keep up to an extent but i guess my basics are so shoddy i wasnt doing well enough for my own standards, and even now looking over tho the teacher is better and more encouraging, everyone seems to be doing crazy tricks and jumps and spins and one leg up fancy shit and im just... ya. guess i cant be over there. cant do it. lemme just stand with mr blabber mouth. it is frustrating bc yeah maybe i wanna be that intermediate level, maybe i wanna go skate with my family/old friends and show off bc look i can do like 3 4 cool things im almost a real skater. but fuck i guess my skates are limiting me and i should try use the rental skates? that are dull af but have better support? idk, ive got blisters from them the last i used them and i dont particularly wanna use shitty skates. but i dunno even what to do, i dont particularly wanna drop on some fancy skates just to find smths wrong again and im shit and cant do it. maybe id suddenly improve and feel a lot better about myself and take it as a proper hobby but realistically nah. im actually kinda frustrated i dont even know if i wanna continue. yes i have a friend that goes, yes i have skates and you only get better by spending time on ice and id like to be better bc only recently ive realised how shit i am, (trust me its confidence boosting to have skated with bambis on ice who are afraid of moving at all and then i can at least go kinda fast if i want) but i cant even turn properly, cant stop properly neither. its just ugh, i dont think im getting as much out of it as i should be, i dont know if its the teachers fault, my skates fault, or my own personality/inability. 

no im not doing the dumb kinda competition theyre organising in a few weeks. the criteria for intermediate (that i havent participated in enough anyway recently) is fuckin hops and drags (my skates do not drag! to sharp? idk) and spins and fancy shit i havent even ever tried to. yeah sure i could for the fucks of it do the beginners bc its uh, bubbles forward and backwards that i can do, and i can kind of do the chassee thing kind of. but i cant do a god damn spin for the life of me apparently so i might as well save my 5 pound and ‘pride’. ugh. besides the fun part was that he was talking abt the higher levels leg up glide thing, and had us do it against the wall bc ‘afraid well just face plant’ and i guess i can bring my leg up decently high when supported by the wall which is fun, and otherwise im not the worst of the 5 beginners that showed up. but yeah im just frustrated with it over all. dunno how long the clubs even gonna continue for, theres only one friend there that i would continue for which isnt great considering means i dont consider the others easy to make friends with or ones i could be fond of enough to over look the struggle of the hobby. 

i think my plan was to call my dad not only to ask if they had a preference for when my friend would fly down to visit  so she could buy her tickets, but i guess also i was going to say about the skate apparently being too soft and too thin/too sharp and express this frustration that i still cant do shit, that maybe even using unsharpened (and uncomfortable) rental skates could be better for skating and just wonder what im even doing abt this all. clearly not competing but idk even if we could just come to observe/skate for fun during the competition etc or if i should just skip to catch up/pack and clean idk. also im kinda annoyed at myself otherwise bc i just tuesday saw with J and shes off for a few weeks and i made such a good verbal plan saying id do an email and a summary im weeeeeks behind on on tuesday evening and prep for class today (didnt prep but it went okay anyway) and today i would have gone to class and to skating with a healthy meal (check check check) and come home to sign up and send the other email thats been bugging me, and then do my report due midnight i havent even started on. said id work after midnight if it was taking so long so id have it done..... i had a nap instead. not even a god damn shower i was planning to have tuesday and now its 3 am on thursday. ayy. sure i could skip classes tomorrow to shower and clean my room and maybe complete a task before i drag myself to an archery arrow lesson and badminton after (no thatll be fun, but ill be back rly late) but ive skipped so many classes and i wana see and be with my friends i might as well go, and if i get abandoned work on work somewhere in between classes and maybe actually get something done? gasp. shock. and still get home and do smth like clean and do dishes to be productive while anticipating fun thing, do it and come home and actually sleep bc im fuckin that over eh. but fuck. its not just that i have 1 overdue summary from two weeks ago, i have another summary due thursday night. maybe, in between classes i could do both, miraculous i guess yes but would be cool. do two summaries, send off both and an apology email for the other, take the spare chance to book myself another experiment if theyre still running and if not send an apology email bc i missed one in class one and ask what now. and then maybe even since the calendar is out get my 3 planned viewings booked so that i can see them b4 going back home and dont get fucked. maybe even add the corrections i got yesterday to my other report. wow wouldnt that be great. i could do them now but i should get to sleep right now heres hoping ill remember the corrections then. and then id need to look at the video for the assignment that was due yesterday and bring up the files and find the debrief and begin filling it in and maybe email researcher if i need to, and do the easy part. so that maybe logical me in a clean room will fill in the ethics part between classes on friday or after class or gasp on saturday bc im not going to st andrews after all... its a lot.. i hate that two days are wasted already. ugh. uGH. well get by. lets just try stay positive, now im going to sleep and wake up to go to my 11 class prepared to do some easy work between classes. yes yes. its probably weird that who ever has read this far has read all this shit and maybe i should just keep my shit personal and not post on my main blog bc surprisingly its open to anyone who just slightly would wanna see it,and though you likely dont know me in person its a bit weird huh idk. maybe this is here so my cousin can read it if she happens to , maybe its so that you can read it and be like ya i do that and i think like that too pretty cool im not alone, maybe its for me to read back and not have to be exposed to my worst ugly vents on my plain vent blog and can remain positive thomaybe not. its under read more anyway. lets try bury it guys.