#011. to love and lose is to feel / we are only human — 2018 works

[butterflynotes-a]

Across The Seasons

It was winter when I saw you first with your snow white hair and ivory skin the way your cruel words were twisted by thorns and the look of loneliness in your eyes as words appeared on a screen hiding thoughts of what could have been. 

It was the spring when I fell for you with your smiles and the way you couldn't quite seem to agree with yourself, even if you had your mind set from the start. 

It was summer when I loved you next with your eyes duller than the sun but this is the time I met the real you beneath the person you pretended to be. 

It was autumn when I loved you most when your hair was the colour of falling leaves and if you were real and next to me, I know we would watch the sky with your hand in mine as we had ice cream for the last time before the winter breeze. 

Across seasons, I have known you. Across seasons, I have loved you. Every part of you has a place in my heart and every memory a piece of my soul.  When I saved you last, I fell even deeper for the person you are behind all you could be. I did not love the men who I could liken to the petals of a rose or the thorns of it that bled. 

 I fell for the you that was like a snowdrop - beautiful and determined, but small and often overlooked. As I have loved you, I would say perhaps you would grow to love me, if only we could touch and speak 

beyond the gleaming screen of a phone.

[thelostnymphaeum]

All this while I have been a weaver without wool, a ship without the sea. Yet now look where I sail.

Entry: 011 // Literature // Title: Circe Author: Madeline Miller Year: 2018

___

Circe, meaning Hawk, her mother named her for her eyes and her strange voice. I have only ever heard of Circe briefly from the tales that she is a witch but besides that, I know nothing about the lady who turned Odysseus’ men into swine. Being an avid mythology enthusiast, I am always excited to read about these characters although I am quite wary of modern re-telling of these stories, since I tend to dislike those that stray away from the “canon” (although of course, I am well aware that nothing is ever truly canon in mythology). But in my opinion, Madeline Miller and Rick Riordan has so far, done a wonderful job of making these stories known and relevant in the world of today. I love how they are always so well researched and they never stray too far from the well-known versions, for as Virginia Woolf once wrote, fiction must stick to facts, and the truer the facts the better the fiction.

LOVING AND LOSING

“But in a solitary life, there are rare moments when another soul dips near yours, as stars once a year brush the earth. Such a constellation was he to me.”

There have been many men in Circe’s life - Glaucos, Daedalus (her constellation) and most notably, Odysseus. In one of Miller’s interviews, I learned that she wanted Odysseus to play as little role in Circe’s story in the same way that Circe was in Odysseus’. However, I thought it was brilliant and empowering that albeit Circe is powerful and sometimes brutal, she knew how to love a man. Most of society today have warped dispositions about a strong woman, that she must need no man, that she is better off without one. But I believe that a better perspective is that despite being in need of someone else’s love and affection – it does not make you any less of a woman. It is human to long for love and to give it away. It would be foolish to deny that. If anything, I believe that because a woman knows how to love and be selfless, it only makes her stronger…and more beautiful.  Circe was a mirror of that. All these men she has loved and lost only fortified her into the woman that she is.

MOTHERHOOD

“My whole life, I had waited for tragedy to find me. I never doubted that it would, for I had desires and defiance and powers more than others thought I deserved, all the things that draw the thunderstroke. A dozen times grief had scorched, but its fire had never burned through my skin. My madness in those days rose from a new certainty: that at last, I had met the thing the gods could use against me.”

A huge part of what made Circe the woman that she is was her becoming a mother and how it reshaped her entire world. The book narrated her motherhood struggles, internally and externally. The fatal risks she took, the bargains she has made to the gods, the spells she had cast just to prolong his life – these were powers within her that unraveled because she became a mother.

I have been hesitant in writing this post for a while, since I felt that I was in no position to talk about motherhood. Yet as a female, it is one thing that is expected out of us one day, and not only expected, we are anticipated to do a good job. For just like Circe, women who strive for greatness dedicate their lives to learning and working, but have to give it all up once they become a mother. A woman’s dreams suddenly are no longer her own. Her child’s dreams becomes her own and her entire world shifts. She must do a good job, for if not, society will judge her, and women have been vilified excruciatingly for far more superficial reasons than just motherhood.

“For sixteen years, I had been holding up the sky and he had not noticed.”

The hardest power to master is the power of yielding, as Rick Riordan had written. Yielding, I agree, is power – the knowledge and resolution to give in, for many of us would bleed ourselves dry to death for the sake of pride. Heeding is an act of chivalry on its own, most especially if it is done in the name of love. Knowing when to stop. Deciding when it is enough. Circe willingly gave her son to his destiny for she knew that it was what he wanted. That despite the fact that she reared and devoted herself to him for sixteen years, he has grown up and will now course his own life. She fought on for him and against him, all for his protection, yet there finally came a time where she had to let him slip past her arms and let him go. Here is a person that is a part of her soul that she is learning to give away, she even helped him prepare for his departure although it cause her hurt – mothers truly would conquer the world for their children, even if it means setting them free.

MASTERING YOUR CRAFT & LIVING LIFE

“It is mostly will. Will and work.”

This statement for me is reflective of life. Life is about endurance. It is mostly will and work. We might be gifted on certain areas but talent fades away without dedication. Circe honed her skills and mastered her art through “drudgery”; it was not something that came to her naturally. This was her work.

One of my most favorite parts of the book was her diving deep into the ocean to get the tail of Trygon. This was her will. The idea that stuck to me the most was that: it does not even matter if it is possible or not, what counts is the endeavor. She would have never known that she did not have to face death just to win the poison if she did not dare; all that was needed was her brave heart (I must reiterate that for me, this was such a beautiful scene because this is the part where you see the lengths she would have overcome for the life of her son). If it’s any consolation to any weary soul out there who might be reading this, I want to tell you this – if it seems easy, it never is; if it seems difficult, it is always easier than you would expect it to be. Let’s hold on.

“It is not the saying of an oracle or a prophet. He does not mean that it does not hurt. He does not mean that we are not frightened. Only that: we are here. This is what it means to swim in the tide, to walk the earth and feel it touch your feet. This is what is means to be alive.”

[thewallofmilessimpson]

Seems like Miles lives in fantasy land, everyone is a POS, except for Miles of course

Miles Simpson <simp2172@bellsouth.net>To:Kevin StrattonSun, Mar 25, 2018 at 5:58 PMHello Kevin, I had my back surgery thursday and I’m better. I was able to stand up friday with a lot of difficulty so they let me come home. I’m still sore but I’m much better and home. I’m going to Covington next week and buy a new mattress. I have a Tempur-pedic memory foam top dollar one but I’m tired of it. It’s hard for me to turn over. It doesn’t give like a regular mattress. The hospital bed I was in was a killer. A hospital staff woman ask me before I left how was the nursing staff and I told her excellent but you couldn’t give me that bed for free. My weak ass I can’t roll over to my right and barely to my left. The best example I can give is it feels to me like I’m laying in a ditch or apiece of 2’ diameter pipe so if I try to roll right or left I’m trying to roll up the side of a concave angle. Sheila fell and fractured her femur bone and is walking with a walker and using my manual wheelchair. She’s still taking care of pos Rita’s kids. Rita has total control over Sheila even monitor’s her phone calls. It’s freaking crazy weird and sad. Tom Benson died. I hope his wife doesn’t move the Saints. She seams to be a money loving woman and may do it for more money. More money more money more money! Later brother man I’m going to chill horizonal for a while. Miles On Mar 17, 2018, at 10:03 AM, Kevin Stratton <johnst13@yahoo.com> wrote: > I saw this in a magazine and thought of you. > > All the Best! > > Contrary to ordinary there is nothing like a dream to create the future! > > Kevin Stratton > Roatan Island Real Estate - Owner/Broker > johnst13@yahoo.com > Office: 011-504-2445-4168 > Cell: 011-504-9922-5638 > www.roatanislandrealestate.com > www.guanajasales.com > * Member of NAR > * Member Roatan Real Estate Association >  and Canabirh Association of Honduras > * Owner of Roatan Island Home Inspections >  for Construction and Home Inspections > * Fiberglass Swimming Pools<Ask Miles.jpg>

Miles Simpson <simp2172@bellsouth.net>To:Kevin StrattonThu, Mar 29, 2018 at 10:23 AMHey Kevin, I really don’t know what they used but I don’t think it was a laser. Surgeon’s can do amazing things with the human body. They will heal you or kill you one. I still talk like a frog from the thing they stick down your throat when they knock you out but my back is still doing good so I’m happy. The rain has arrived. Probably rain most of the day. I like to smoke and fuck on rainy days. Will only do one today but as soon as I win the power ball the pussy will come. I have two gators in the pond now. A 6 or 7 footer and a 3 footer. Both won’t come close enough for me to shoot them. A friend is bringing over some gumbo. Talk to ya later Amigo. Miles On Mar 26, 2018, at 11:29 AM, Kevin Stratton <johnst13@yahoo.com> wrote: > Good morning Miles > > Glad to hear your back surgery went good. What did they do? Not the laser one I was asking about. > Wow not being able to turn over to get out of bed is going to be a problem sooner than later. Do you think > you can work on getting that strength back so you can do it by yourself? Or there is a powered machine > that can pick you up and swing you over kind of like the ones you see to get you into a pool. You know > you don't want to go into a nursing home. A home nurse coming by twice a day to help you out during > the times she stops by. No coffee in a nursing home would drive you crazy. It would to me too. I hope a > new harder mattress would help you get out of bed by yourself. So you can push off easier. > Wow Shelia can really fuckup when she try's.  And that daughter of her's running her is so crazy that > I almost feel sorry for her but not much at all. > I heard that Benson died but that was to be expected. I'll bet his wife sells the team and the new owner > might move the team to who ever pays the most. Maybe someone like Jazy and his wife Beyonce and > P'didy or Drew Breese. Or the Mannings? Still working on my roof and trying to sell properties to keep the > work going. Sorry but got to run. I hope you keep getting better! > > > All the very best my friend! > > k

Miles SimpsonHey Kevin, I haven’t written in a while because it’s the same olds shit around here. No news to tell. The gumbo I mention a friend brought was chicken and sausage. He had a big pot and rice he even brought a new pack of Glad 1 Qt plastic containers and put up 7 Qt’s in my freezer while I was eating a Qt. His name is Kevin also. He’s really a buddy to my nephew but a friend to me too. I only see him when he comes fishing. You said you might build a motorcycle garage. Grandpaw built one for his HondaMon, Apr 9, 2018 at 3:27 PM

Miles Simpson <simp2172@bellsouth.net>To:Kevin StrattonWed, Apr 11, 2018 at 1:15 PMHi Kevin, Yup that’s what they did to me. I had a bulging disc putting pressure on my nerve. When I was getting the steroid shots in my back the doctor’s assistant looked at my mri last year and said I didn’t need surgery. The surgeon said after the surgery my disc was worse than what showed up on the mri. I’m soooooooo glad I had the surgery at least so far. Sue’s brother Wayne came over last week and we smoked 40 lbs of chicken quarters. We did 20 lbs then took them off and put on another 20. The last batch only took 2 hours since the smoker was already up to temp. We then vacuum sealed them and he took 10 lbs and Karen my house cleaner took 10 and I kept 20 lbs. The dam quarters come off giant chickens! Ten lb bag has 9 quarters! The last ones I smoked were the same way. I gave Sheila $4,000 monday the 9th. The 8th was one year since Mom died. Three years ago I bought Sheila a $3,000 lawn mower. Two years ago I gave her $3,000 for a down payment for a car she’s about to lose now for being 2 months late on her note. Now $4,000 cash. Enough is enough! That’s $10K in three years. She feels and looks like the walking dead. She has no help to help her keep the place up. Rita has NEVER mowed the yard or even tried to. I wish I had the strength to beat her up but I don't! Pelican’s play their last game tonight against the Spurs. It’s a big game towards the rankings for the playoffs. Later, Miles On Apr 9, 2018, at 4:45 PM, Kevin Stratton <johnst13@yahoo.com> wrote: > Wow that was a surgery to watch. Was that exactly what they did to you? Did you have a chipped broken piece of bone off a vertebrata like in the video? > Sorry I can not be there to help you get around and make it easier on you just living in the house. I am working on being able to come if you ever really need me to. > As I sure wish I lived closer right now. I need to finish the work on my house and not run broke doing it. So I have to keep earning and not retiring as yet like I wanted to when I hit 66. I will be 68 next week on the 13th. Yep Friday the 13th this time. And hopefully no bad luck for me as I sure don't need any at this time. I would like to taste the gumbo . Even chicken and sausage sounds good to me as I miss Louisiana cooking like that and crawfish boils. Nothing like that here. I need a good gumbo recipe as I can follow directions pretty good as I do most of the good cooking here at home now. I just made a pot of shrimp and hot Italian sausage with Alfredo sauce with noodles. It has allot of other ingredients to make it a bigger pot to make it for more people and freeze some. > The roof is completely done and we are enclosing the outside walls to get them ready for new windows in the next week or so. > I was out walking a parcel of land 5.5 acres with the owner from Colorado. He is looking to buy a 1.25 acres along side his property to help get a access > out to a main road. Right now his 5.5 acres is land locked with no access. They are asking a arm and leg for the 1.25 acres as it has 165 foot of beachfront > which we are always running out of on a island as they are not making anymore beachfront in the best area. !0 years ago he bought the 5.5 acres for $550,000 > and they are asking at this time $670,000 for the 1.25 acres right next to him and they started at $735,000. We are still trying to get the seller down in price. But > part of this deal is the seller has to get a road to the property and he still need a old family member to give him access to get to his 1.25 acres as part of this deal to make it happen but they are holding up saying they have not determined the cost of getting the road through and paying off the relative to let it happen as we want > a deeded recorded access to make it fit our needs. Both parcels of land will be worth something like $2,000,000 when it is finished and it works out. My buyer that I have been working with for 10 years or so has big bucks. He owns the largest outfitting store in Steamboat Springs Colorado for skiing and like a Bass Pro outfitter or a Cabela's. > What are you going to do for your sister? Anything? I know you do not want to. And she would be back for more no matter how much you give her. > I still have my fingers crossed for you to win the power-ball. I hope the Saints get a good draft and then pickup a couple of good older players in free agent market. > And build a good team for Drew's last couple of years and make a real run for the Superbowl again one more time. I still try and catch as many NBA games as possible. > And the playoffs start on the 14th of this month. I still have not picked a team to win as yet but I think it wont be the Toronto Raptors even if they are the number 1 one seed at this time. > > Write you again soon and keep getting better! > > k > Contrary to ordinary there is nothing like a dream to create the future! > > Kevin Stratton > Roatan Island Real Estate - Owner/Broker > johnst13@yahoo.com > Office: 011-504-2445-4168 > Cell: 011-504-9922-5638 > www.roatanislandrealestate.com > www.guanajasales.com > * Member of NAR > * Member Roatan Real Estate Association >  and Canabirh Association of Honduras > * Owner of Roatan Island Home Inspections >  for Construction and Home Inspections > * Fiberglass Swimming Pools<Ask Miles.jpg>

[butterflynotes]

We Rise / Study

Themes

Love This work makes use of a love as a theme quite obviously. It represents how people don’t feel complete - alive - without love, some people anyway. It also references the fact that love is both good and bad. The use of the lines “the desolation left in our wake” and “the eternal storm” show a representation of love that is painful, as does the line “feelings left unrequited”.

It references the fact love can be quite violent, despite the beauty and appeal it holds, as well as how it isn’t always returned - which is painful for people.

Insanity Insanity is referenced, but it is not one of the main themes of the poem. The lines “we could not tell / fact from fiction, / fiction from fact” references the legal definition of insanity, which is an inability to tell fantasy from reality.

The reason this is used is to reference the nature of love, so it holds a meaning with that theme, and that it can drive people to insanity - as well as this, it shows how we fantasise about people and fictional characters, sometimes to the point it feels so real we can barely distinguish whether it was or not. The line also holds some reference to false memories.

Destruction This is one of the main themes in the poem, shown throughout every stanza. This refers to our destruction of the world via using up natural resources and creating pollution, as well as the destructive nature of humanity when it comes to relationships.

Consequences This, once again, is not a main theme of the poem. It is referenced clearly only once with the lines “as we wait for / our consequences / during a short reprieve”. A reprieve is defined as a cancellation or postponement of a punishment. It references how we, as humanity, have destroyed the world quite a lot, but never suffered consequences - or at least, those who started it never did.

This reference to a reprieve is that those who cause the problems are often not those who face the consequences. It can also be taken in the light that there are consequences to love and relationships, both good and bad.

Togetherness This is referenced towards the end of the poem. This theme is having a sense of community, standing with others until the end - solidarity between people. It represents that the new generation will be the ones to deal with the consequences of what other generations have done, and that people must stand together as they face it.

The line “we stand together” references this theme in several ways. Not only does it reference the togetherness of love, but the way people stood together after terrorism attacks, like the Manchester terror attack in 2017 and the Parkland high school shooting in February 2018. This line itself represents the strength we have together and that, no matter what, people will come together when it is needed.

Change Change is heavily referenced throughout the poem, but most notably at the end, through the lines “and we step out / of the shadows / and into the light / we rise” which represents that the world is changing. This theme connects to many things in the world changing - for example, the rise of terrorism, the way supervolcanoes are beginning to show more activity, earthquakes in the UK, the way we change our lifestyles to save the environment etc etc.

Those particular lines show how the younger generation is the one stepping up to change things before the consequences can destroy us. It represents the way that people use petitions and the internet to cause change, such as the recent stand against articles 13 and 11 in the EU and demands for gun control in the USA.

Overall Overall, this poem has many themes which reference a lot of ideas and key moments in time, as well as the way the world - both natural and human - is starting to change. It is a message that if we stand together, we can do anything, we just need to try. At the end of the poem, the line ‘we rise’ refers to success - it is the end goal, achievable but we haven’t quite reached it.

Process

So, when I was writing this poem, I was researching a lot in the news for a story I was planning. In particular, I was looking at changes and togetherness. From this research, I thought back to stories about terrorism attacks, both in the UK and USA, as well as the changing geography of the Earth.

An example of this geography being an earthquake swarm in Surrey, England, which is on the middle of a tectonic plate so an earthquake swarm shouldn’t have been possible. As well as this, I came across stories of the rising magma plume beneath New England in the USA, as well as the speculations that Yellowstone could erupt soon.

From there, I found the ideas that people have had to reduce climate change and global warming - such as ways to reduce litter, plastic etc. I had already known about the issues with articles 13 and 11, living in a European country.

Then, I had an idea - to write about the way people came together during these attacks. From here, the theme of love came in, mostly platonic, but also romantic. I was reading and I thought that the theme of love was important, especially when dealing with this things, and that it could bring people together when nothing else could. This inspired me to include pieces about it in the poem.

However, I also wanted to emphasise the fact love could not always help and heal people, that not everything could be romanticised - especially in the wake of what is referred to as a mental health crisis. For this reason, I brought in how it is destructive, particularly to those with unpredictable mindsets, whether due to mental illness or other issues, even if that was never explicitly mentioned.

In the end, as I wrote, I realised that I wasn’t really writing what I wanted to, not completely. So I changed it and I added something not in the original draft: an endgame. Something to achieve, to look forward to - a message of hope, that we could do something about what was happening, even if it took a long time.

Soon after, I finished the poem and added in the last line, which became the title. The reason I chose it as the title was because we still rose after everything that happened, we still kept on living - so I thought that, in the end, the most important thing anyone could say would be that after everything, no matter what happens, we will still rise. We will still change.

[butterflynotes-a]

Pancakes

|| Pancake day fluff with the Choi twins! Mystic Messenger fanfiction, seeing as that’s basically all I post.. Enjoy!

“Saeran! Come on, wake up!”

Those were the words he awoke to, along with the vigorous shaking of his body caused by the owner of the voice. He groaned, moving to slap the other’s arms lightly. “I’m up, I’m up…” The red head muttered, eyes blinking open as he sat up. His hands moved to rub his eyes, a yawn leaving his lips. “What’re you doing?” He raised an eyebrow at his brother in question once he finally looked at him.

“That’s a surprise, little brother.”

Of course it was a surprise - when wasn’t it? Saeran sighed, getting out of bed and following his brother to the kitchen as the elder left the room. “You’re ridiculous, you know that?” He mumbled, more to himself than to his twin. He was, already, quite exasperated at Saeyoung’s antics - it was to be expected, considering it was seven in the morning on a Tuesday. “I get that tomorrow is valentines day and you probably need help preparing stuff for that girlfriend of yours, but why wake me…” His voice faltered as he noticed the masses of microwavable pancakes and pancake toppings on the bench. “... up?” He blinked.

Once. Twice.

It was all still there. It wasn’t an illusion, he assumed, from the fact Saeyoung had already gotten out plates and put a pancake on each. “What is this, Saeyoung? This is a bit much…” He couldn’t seem to wrap his head around why his twin would buy so much sugary stuff, considering he had previously reprimanded Saeran for how much junk food he ate. It was hypocritical, but he hadn’t mentioned that at the time.

He went around putting toppings on the pancakes once his brother had cooked them, careful to make sure none of the ice cream spilled out from the crepe. Once it was full, he sat at the table, looking at the pancake for a few minutes before turning his gaze to Saeyoung. “... What is this about?” He wondered if he had missed some special pre-valentines memo, or if his brother was trying to make up for the fact he’d be gone for the entire day tomorrow.

“Happy pancake day, Saeran!”

[butterflynotes]

Face Value / Study

Themes

Thought This was a large part of the poem, even hinted at in the title. When we take something at face value, it means we believe it with little thinking. This poem addresses how, as people grow older, they tend to stop reading into the things around them as much as children did - in the joyful, non-paranoid way at least.

Criticism of Society The poem is critical of society, mostly shown in the first stanza with the lines “in a world where we / think of nothing.” This is a criticism of a society that thinks little and takes everything at face value, refusing to change. This ties in with other prominent themes.

Changes and Perceptions This is addressed by the idea of growing up. The theme is referenced many times, especially with mentions of how different being a child was, shown in lines such as “a crevice of another reality.” It is used to show that the world we grow into after childhood is so different to how we once thought it would be because as children, we knew little of it. The poem also addresses change through the use of seasonal imagery such as autumn.

Perceptions of adults and children are almost at a rivalry. The speaking character, an adult, reflects on how their childhood was, but almost can’t believe how different things were for their childhood self. The two had very different perceptions of the world. It is much like the situation seen in To My Nine-Year-Old Self by Helen Dunmore.

Writing Process

Poetic Technique and Structure In the poem, the following techniques have been purposely used:

Enjambement

Caesura

End Stopping

The poem uses the free verse structure as there is no specific pattern to stanza length or any specific poetic structure.

Writing The poem was written all at once in one draft to maintain an easy flow. The steps taken are as follows:

I chose a theme, which was face value.

Building on this theme, I came up with my concept - the way perceptions and thought processes change.

Once I was sure of the themes, I wrote the poem all at once in one draft. I do this to help maintain the flow, which can easily be skewed by multiple drafts.

I tweaked grammar and spelling to make sure it was all correct.