#1) me kicking a guy out bc he was being racist the other day n it related to my overseas partner

[dogboner]

i spent so much of my life loving quietly and i'm done with it. i have nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to hide. i talk loudly and proudly of my partners, their transness, our queerness. i spent so much of my life being told by family, by the church, by my peers, that i needed to do it quietly if i wanted to love the people i love. no more.

[mottski]

t update, month two (and a little bit)

has it really been two months, jesus christ

-hairs. so much hairs. i swear to god they don’t come in slowly either, like one day my arm hair only goes to one spot on my biceps and the next day its like a solid inch further. alternatively: i’m very bad at paying close attention to things consistently 

-my voice is stabilizing more. i’m not sure if it’s done dropping yet but i don’t think it’s gonna get much lower. it’s still...a bit inconsistent coming out of my mouth. it’s never cracked (outside of singing) i think bc i’m trained in how to get my voice to do what i want it to, but sometimes i’ll talk in a much lower pitch than i expect. which is nice but slightly odd. 

-speaking of voice, i’m gendered 100% as male over the phone now. it’s that low. its lower than some of my cis coworkers’ voices. its legit fantastic. on the other hand: “thanks man” sounds distressingly close to “thanks ma’am” 

-its also mostly stopped rising in pitch as i wear it out from singing a lot in the car on long drives for work. i can also more consistently belt shit out and it sounds good 

-i’m still forgetting that my body like really, really needs protein so i’ll eat my former amount of breakfast (so like one (1) cereal) at like 10 in the morning and then think i’ll be fine until i get home at like 6:30 at night. big surprise: i’m absolutely not and by like 4 i’m getting hunger shakes. will i someday consistently remember this happens? hell no.

-my creeper stache is in now and i’m torn between liking it and going “god this looks bad” at any given time. BUT!!! i just got minoxidil (the active ingredient in rogaine) at like 45% off on amazon (hell yeah) so i’m smearing that on my face. we’ll see what happens in about two weeks ish, that’s when it tends to start doing hair stuff

-still fighting the good fight against pizza face and still losing. thankfully i didn’t toss out all my concealer cause hooo boy. i probably have 2-3 more months of this puberty bs at the least. 

-mood wise, i’m far more assertive than before, which is generally good. i have big issues standing up for myself and calling out people’s bullshit or mistakes normally. i’m also grouchier of a driver, i’ve noticed. i used to be much more forgiving of people’s dumbass moves on the freeways through here but now i’m like >:|

-my anxiety’s changed, too, which i was wondering about. a trans youtuber mentioned his changing and almost vanishing entirely around two months on T and lo and behold...

-its not actually gone, but i’m less anxious about phone calls and social interactions. i’m more anxious about other things tho, like how i’m being read by cis people, and cis guys in particular, so it’s not like my overall anxiety level’s gone down. it’s just shifted targets. not necessarily bad, tho.

-one of my coworkers is moving, so we’re bringing in a new person which is kinda terrifying. like if someone’s around me for more than a few minute customer interaction, i absolutely do not read as cis and i’m fine with that. i don’t want to read as cis. but that means a new employee is gonna be real confused real quick and i’m just praying we don’t get a transphobe or homophobe 

-the racist with internalized transphobia and homophobia is bad enough, i’d rather not have to deal with more

-SPEAKING OF, he hasn’t misgendered me since that weekend a few weeks back buuut he also hasn’t had the opportunity to refer to me by pronouns alone since then. we’re working sat/sun together next weekend, which i’m already dreading, but god i’m lowkey itching for him to cause boy im gonna snitch on him real fast. i really, really want that opportunity.  r e a l l y     w a n t .

-i think i have a mild allergy to the oil that T is carried in in my injections bc unless i get the very side of the injectable area on my leg, the shot site gets itchy for daaaays and that sucks. it’s not very bad tho, i can deal w/ it. 

-fat distribution has kicked into high gear and i’m Not Liking It. its all migrated from my ass and chest to my stomach and it’s kinda uncomfortable. like yes sure there’s nothing wrong w/being fat or chubby but it makes me feel Soft and Curved and boy howdy do i not like feeling those things. it’s finally nice out here (for the week. iowa weather is extremely crazy and i wouldn’t be surprised if it freezes again) so i’m gonna start walking n stuff i think. 

-my muscles keep on growing and veeeery fast. 

-i think related to that, my body loves it when i stretch. like it feels so good, which is bizarre. like every muscle is like “MMM YES AHHHH STRETCH GOOD” 

-bi update: still gayer than i thought, still finding it mildly hilarious bc here i thought i was a gotdamn lesbian for like two years. 

-its absolutely fucking bizarre how differently cis men treat you if they ID you as female vs male. on deliveries its so much more relaxed and friendly now that i’m 99% ID’d as a younger man vs how it was when i was ID’d as a woman. its legitimately wild and kinda disturbing. like wtf, cis men. w t f 

i think that’s it, eyy