it's weird when ppl imply I 'still care about [redacted]' when I talk about what the situation did to me mentally. do I tend to harp on my feelings more than I should sometimes, or process things years later instead of immediately (instead internalizing and burying it for a few years)? yes. but even in the moment I had such clarity that what I was doing was killing time and I was aware I was being used and I accepted it because I didn't feel love either. it was parasitism disguised as mutualism and when you still talk about getting your vascular system sucked dry, only an idiot would tell you it means you truly miss the leech. i miss who i was before i put myself in the position to be made a fool of publicly, not the person who humiliated me as a way to coerce me.