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#2 takeaways. and yeah there’s parks but all of them are kind of dire
fingertipsmp3
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6 months
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Also I can’t figure out if my life genuinely does suck or I’m just having an existential crisis because my period starts in approximately 48 hours
#it does make me worse ngl. i wish i could just yeet my uterus
#i was just starting to think about how all my days are the same and it’s boring and i’m boring
#and i never see anybody or meet new people or make new friends
#working from home is all well and good until it makes you want to [redacted]
#and you all can say ‘just leave your house!’ as much as you want but living in a small town and having no car is not really conducive
#to getting myself out there
#i mean my town literally has about a dozen businesses and half of them are sad pubs. the others are like hair salon; co-op; church; butcher
#2 takeaways. and yeah there’s parks but all of them are kind of dire
#maybe i could start getting the bus places. going somewhere else. idk
#i have been thinking about taking a trip but wherever i go i still take myself and it’s like i’m in this state of permanent malaise
#too nervous to talk to anyone and too impatient to linger anywhere or enjoy anything
#everything i do i rush through so i can do something else
#and i think amongst it all i’m just reckoning with the fact that i’m never going to be remarkable. i mean neither is anyone else really
#but i always thought i’d write a novel or become a college professor or something but i’m not smart enough and i don’t have enough words
#or ideas in me. not really. i’m not a creative i’m just an imitator. always have been
#and i could live with being unremarkable because we all are in the cosmic universe but i still don’t think i can live with rotting
#in my hometown. but then it’s like how do i get out?
#i signed up for an online course just to vary things a bit. just to get some enrichment in my enclosure
#it’s this slow realisation that i thought i Wanted to work at home. i thought i liked the peace of it. just me and the computer screen
#but no i like to work outside and then come back to my home as my sanctuary. i have to leave it sometimes to really appreciate it
#but no one wants to hire me for an intellectual job because i’m not actually that smart. and my body is too broken to work in hospitality
#anymore. or is it. i mean for god’s sake i can run three times a week but i don’t trust myself to be able to stand for hours
#i’m thinking about throwing myself on the mercy of my old boss like hey. i fucked up. do you have any shifts for me? i’ll do weekends
#i just don’t want to lose my fucking mind
#maybe i’ll text her tomorrow. the worst thing she can say is no
#personal
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