#20 consecutive years of trauma and it's making itself KNOWN baby

[ko-fanatic]

So, I'm planning a Loid-centric fic, and would like some opinions/to gauge general interest.

The fic has the working title "Identity Crisis", and it's an exploration into Loid/Twilight finally having a moment in his life to breathe, to not have to construct mask after mask. He can be open with those he loves, finally (set post-reveal).

But the issue with long standing trauma is that, whilst in the thick of it, you can push it away pretty easily. It's when you come out of survival mode, when everything's going well, that the brain can process the sheer amount of trauma you went through.

On top of that, he's struggling to really find... himself. Or, at least, something he can comfortably call himself. Twilight doesn't fit civilian life, Loid is close but not fully authentic. He doesn't even remember his name before he was Twilight. Insert the "I lay awake at night because I don't even know what my favourite colour is, and I'm afraid I don't have a real personality" quote.

To top that off, Loid is... losing his cool, so to speak. Popping corks in restaurants, backfiring cars, certain phrases... They all bring back memories that seize his chest and makes him feel like he can't breathe, because he has to find Anya and Yor, make sure they're okay, nothing can happen to them because he loves them and if the worse were to happen he'd be all alone, as selfish as that sounds -

This is basically a character study, using my unfortunately real world experience of latently processing a lot of trauma. There's a lot of comfort from Yor and Anya, however! They are there for Loid, and want to support him as much as they can; starting with little things that just grow and help Loid see that he has a support network now.

Also, for any still not convinced, I give you: Bond becoming a service dog.

[allie1804-fan]

New Beginnings (Chapter 7)

1  2 3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10  11  12

New Beginnings Baby Drabble

New Beginnings Baby Drabble No2

Warnings : mentions of loss, grieving and some explicit content

For the first few days Emily convalesced after the surgery and they didn’t leave home.  They had only told a few people about the pregnancy (Keanu’s mum, her parents, Karina, Chloe) but so far Karina was the only one who knew what had happened. 

She’d obviously told their mother and had offered to make the other calls but Keanu said he’d do it. 4 days later he still hadn’t faced up to it. He didn’t quite know how to form the words in his mouth. Just thinking about it made his stomach churn and brought the trauma of this loss AND of his daughter over 20 years before back in living colour. The hospital rooms, the doctors’ words.  

Emily was facing similar struggles. She spent most of the time in bed but restful sleep was hard to come by and she too kept reliving the pain and the shock of discovering the pregnancy wasn’t viable.

Toward the end of the week he was forced to deal with it though. They were dozing in bed at just after 9 when Emily’s phone rang.

“What?” he heard her whisper as she listened to the voice on the phone.

“No, I’m not there because my baby is dead” she hissed.

He reached over and grabbed the phone from her realising what must have happened. They had been due to go for the first scan that morning but somehow the system hadn’t caught up with the obstetrics department to let them know about the ectopic pregnancy.

“Just what the hell do you think you’re doing calling here?”  he berated the poor woman on the phone, don’t you have proper communication channels, it’s been 4 days!”  

Emily could hear the beginnings of a flustered apology from the woman but it was quickly cut off as Keanu ended the call,  immediately feeling terrible for unleashing his anger on someone whose fault it clearly wasn’t.

He sat up and sighed, pulling Emily to his chest.

“I’m gonna have to make those calls today. Chloe and your mum will be expecting us to check in”

Emily just sniffed acknowledging that this was the next step they had to take.

“Can we go back to the counsellor” she asked “I think we probably need some help dealing with this ……….. rage.”

“yeah, I’ll call her too. If I don’t I’m just gonna hurt someone or something!”

Chloe got a taxi over as soon as she heard the news, leaving Rosie and Jamie with John. She couldn’t drive yet because of having a C-section but she didn’t want to wait to offer some comfort to one of her oldest friends.  When she got there, she just climbed into bed with Emily, wrapped her arms around her and held her friend, letting her cry it out.

OCTOBER

The next 3 months had been tough and sometimes just one day seemed to pass agonisingly slowly but gradually their lives felt like they were getting back on track. Accepting that they’d likely never have their own biological children was a harsh reality to face especially when close friends like Chloe and John had already completed their families, watching their children grow and take on their physical and personality traits.

Babysitting for  Chloe and John had been one of the biggest milestones they’d faced along the way. The image of Emily sitting on the sofa at Chloe and John’s house giving Rosie her bedtime bottle was seared into Keanu’s mind, making him remember the day Emily had held Jake and felt the pull inside to have her own child. They’d talked the idea through with the counsellor before offering to babysit. It almost felt like doing it would cauterise a wound. The counsellor had explained that while confronting their loss in the form of baby Rosie might feel like it would burn them too deeply, it was one way of facing the pain full on. The alternative was boxing it up and not letting it breathe and Keanu remembered doing just that after Ava. The only way his sadness and rage has made itself known for years was through acting. Otherwise it had been boxed away into his early 40s and when he did face it, its power after 6 years surprised and terrified him. He was determined not to do the same this  time

The fact that they were no longer trying helped as did the fact that their time thinking she was pregnant was so brief.  At least she hadn’t started to really think about when the baby was due and the future in too much detail. Having known friends who’d been through loss before, she knew that building a little dream future only to lose it was often the hardest part. Still, they were still letting go of a precious dream and some days that pain hit either one of them like a ton of bricks.

Another aspect of life that helped the clouds to lift was that each had exciting new projects coming up that were going to keep them very busy. In anticipation of having no more free time, they booked a trip back to Italy.  First came a week in Capri visiting Keanu’s sister Kim and then another week back in Taormina Sicily.

They had a wonderful time despite Emily being laid low for a couple of days with a stomach flu but she made a swift recovery and they were able to enjoy their time visiting their favourite restaurant again and discovering historical sites that they’d missed on their first visit.

They ended their trip in what was becoming a sort of tradition with them – a whole morning in bed where Keanu dedicated himself to bringing her to multiple orgasms before finally taking her to the edge of heaven, burying himself deep inside her.

They vowed to take each day as it came, enjoy their work, live in the moment  and love each other.

On her return Emily planned to get a coil fitted so she could stop using hormones and be secure with her birth control until she no longer needed it. After the ectopic pregnancy they’d used condoms briefly and then she’d restarted the pill. For the trip, Emily had deliberately left no gap between 2 courses of the pill towards the end of their holiday to avoid spoiling it with a period. Once she was back she could visit her gynaecologist and move forward.

A couple of weeks after their return to LA, Emily had her appointment about the coil. She explained her circumstances to the nurse who was sympathetic about what she’d gone through. The work up involved some blood tests, a smear and a pregnancy test just to be sure especially since she hadn’t had a period for almost 6 weeks by then. They made a follow up appointment for the following week with Keanu too since she recommended they have a chat with a counsellor before the coil fitting, just to make sure this was the best route for them as a couple. The coil would usually stay in place for a minimum of 5 years and since they’d had a relatively recent loss, they were a little cautious.

The next week they were madly rushing to squeeze in the appointment then run on to a training session for Keanu and a writers’ room for Emily.

The doctor came into the consulting room to Emily’s surprise as she was expecting the counsellor or nurse she’d seen the week before to just run through the results and check in that Keanu agreed with their course of action.

“So, I have the results of your tests here and they mean we won’t be progressing with the coil fitting today”

Emily huffed a little, irritated that this whole procedure was becoming far less straightforward than she’d expected.

“Why not, what’s wrong?”

Actually nothing is wrong at all …… our tests indicate that you’re pregnant”

Their mouths fell simultaneously agape and they looked at each other in shock”

“that can’t be right, I’ve been on birth control ………….” Emily stammered. She was surprised to find herself less than pleased with this news. She squeezed Keanu’s hand as a wave of fear rushed through her. She wanted a baby so much but being pregnant had become inextricably linked with loss and despair.

Keanu’s thoughts were much the same – after all, as far as he knew, he’d got two women pregnant in his life and both times had ended in disaster.

“What birth control have you been using?”

“For the past 3 months I’ve been on the pill and I took 2 packets consecutively  recently as we went on holiday”

“And have you had any stomach upsets or been on any other medication such as antibiotics?”

Emily started to shake her head but then Keanu tugged her hand

“you had that stomach flu in Italy, remember, you were throwing up for a couple of days ……. His voice drifted off and the doctor grinned

“That will likely be the reason” he said “the pill was probably not absorbed into the bloodstream when you were sick causing it to fail.  It’s a very common mistake not to realise your birth control is compromised when that happens. Well why don’t we take a look to check what’s going on” he said beckoning Emily over to the consulting table.  “We want to be sure everything is in the right place given your last pregnancy was ectopic.”

Still in shock, Emily lay on the table and eased her trousers down to reveal her flat belly.  The doctor  rubbed on the cold jelly and pulled over the wand of the ultrasound machine.

Keanu felt light-headed.  He realised he’d probably been holding his breath since the doctor started explaining how come she might be pregnant. He blew out his breath slowly, eyes fixed on the screen.

The screen showed the cone shape image in white generated by the ultrasound waves and within it the black oval shape of Emily’s womb came into view.

“There it is” the doctor declared happily while Keanu and Emily both stared wondering what on earth he was taking about. Then he helped them, pointing to a little peanut shape within the dark circle whose image seemed to flash on an off.

“There, that’s it, do you see now?”

“Yeah but why does it keep disappearing? Keanu asked

“That’s its heart beating – I always think of it like a little lighthouse flashing to tell you it’s still there”

“So it’s in the right place, not ectopic this time” Emily asked, her voice wavering.

“Everything looks perfect” he smiled reassuringly at them both. “I tell you what, why don’t I just give you a minute alone. If you keep holding the wand right there you can watch your baby and get used to the idea. I guess it’s quite a shock”

“I’ll say” Keanu muttered softly.

As the door closed behind the doctor, Emily just stared at Keanu

“Oh my god this is …”

“unbelievable” he finished her sentence

“mmmm” she nodded

“I don’t think I’m gonna make my writers room” she laughed

“nor me my training” he agreed.

They turned and looked at the monitor again and sure enough there was the little flickering peanut letting them know it was there.

1  2 3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10  11  12

New Beginnings Baby Drabble

New Beginnings Baby Drabble No2