#9 days left before the cosplay deadline

[silverior968]

Oh the joys of painting broken old winter boots with acrylic paint

[peridipshit]

EDIT: IDK HOW TO MAKE A READMORE ON MOBILE SORRY FOR A WALL

hey hey guys ive been super inactive and theres a reason for that and that reason finally worked out and i cannot fucking begin to explain how good it is ghjklljhgfdghjkljhgfdghjkljhgfdghjklhgfhjkl

read more for a super lengthy overshare of angst and ecstasy

i kno w its fuckin long, its not for anybody but myself bc ye i have adhd myself and dont know how to read sh i t and dont expect anybody to have the patience for this

so, if i start at the beginning, ive had, the hardest period of my life starting around fall 2016. ive been in community college for about 4 years now, and i dont want to list all of the things ive done because it wouldnt reflect the mental emotional and physical exhaustion ive put myself through for all of this work. and all this time i thought it would amount to nothing because a lot of what i was supposed to be doing was pushed away out of fear. i filled up my time with a million impressive things that i genuinely loved and enjoyed, but knew it wasnt the actual work to get into the universities i was so desperate for. i pushed,, all my applications to the week or day before the due date. i had to give up three out of seven universities because of the deadline pressures. 

but my main school, the one that i returned to as the ideal place, but a laughable pipe dream, was the one i worked the absolute hardest for

i needed to do two different applications with a total of uh, 8 or 9 essays? the first round of 5ish essays i submitted the day before, and then the second application, i started the week before and completed the essays and storyboard, and hit the submit button 2 minutes before the deadline. i had two winter semester classes (which both kept me under a no-sleep schedule) and i juggled the application work by night. i ended up with like 3 total hours of sleep in that week. i almost gave up like three times but i remember crying after finding this song which coincidentally reflects the acceptance into the university im now somehow attending. it was the moment to myself that i decided i wanted to push through and grow up

the third round where i almost gave up was when my professor couldnt recieve my emails and i had no other way to contact him during the winter. i came to his office the week school started in spring with a deadline of three days to get my letter completed, and he submitted it an hour and a half before the deadline. i spent that weekend convinced i would just take another year at community college and at home and prepare myself more. i cried after checking my phone when i was walking out of Black Panther because he hadnt submitted it with less than two hours left before my application would have been thrown out. he submitted once i got into the car and refreshed the tab

last month i got an interview with the school of my dreams. i looked up the real statistics and they choose 30 transfer applicants for interview and accept 15. that moment was a rush of disbelief and brief sobbing as i realized that maybe im not crazy and not stupid and maybe just doing good things

that was the longest week of my life, but it wasnt a nervous thing at all. i knew i could nail an interview, it just was practicing. i spent each car ride to school talking to myself for 30 minutes. 

i literally could not have done anything as amazingly as i did in that interview without my friend’s help (hey dude), i was literally hearing that skype notification and have never had my heart pound as hard in my life. two seconds thinking about my friends and everything theyve done for me was like, a reminder that ppl care and have my back and istg that power of friendship anime bs is real my dudes and i couldnt ask for better people in my life 

i rocked it like some kind of word virtuoso person and waited a month for a notification

limbo is wierd

i spent so long knowing i was so, close, but not in a place to celebrate

the day i found out was Of Course as wild as it was, where i was having a panic attack out of everything in the morning that accumulated, i was like near crying in class because the prof was kinda yelling at me and i almost lost my project and had to run about a mile in heels to look for it and i was being hit on by a guy twice my age and i had 2 hours of sleep

but????????? i got into ucIa in their theater film and television school, which is harder than any ivy league school. me and 14 other transfer students. 92 total undergrads in that entire film school. ill be nineteen into my junior year. ill be at the heart of the industry going into animation and able to do practically anything. 

a n d i learned that not only my tuition room and board will be covered, but likely a ridiculous amount beyond that too.

i just. got to a point in my life last year that i knew that i was setting myself up for failure and i thought that if i wasnt improving i was failing and so i put so much onto myself in terms of working that i literally had no time for myself. no time for anything leisurely and no time for shows or movies or games or even friends. the only thing i felt like was my escape was cosplay and i still had that shamed by my family for wasting money and time. i of course had many moments and opportunities to do a few things that i regard very fondly, but overall i had no time to genuinely reflect on the damage that everything had caused. it felt like i had no time to cry ultimately, like some kind of hamster wheel of responsibility and fear. im still recovering now, and i want to be better. i want to do my best for myself and everyone around me. and i want to become someone that can be healthy and be myself. and yknow what im pretty damn proud of where im already at right now 

trying hard to keep coherency but i gotta wake up at 5 for an 8am class tomorrow so this is a lil rushed. its probably corny as hecc, but hell i feel just ok for a second and thats nice. i would never have gotten here with the support around me and like, my friends and family have done so much for me and i could write ten of these rambles on each one of you. you care about me and i care about you guys beyond anything these words can express. (*cough*quinn keira kevin cece*cough* not to say everyone else i know hasnt impacted me because gOd so many lives have done so much for me, i just, hey, love yall) 

my life is finally feeling like something big, ive never believed in the destined for greatness thing, ive just felt Capable of greatness and afraid beyond words of wasting it. and i want to be great for me, i want to be great to others, and i want to be great to the big picture. 

just, holy fuck i love you guys so much and thank you 

things are finally looking ok and i would repay you guys back in to the fullest extent of my hearts adoration and appreciation

[rysonbran]

Asks Challenge: Late night 🌙 Tea ☕️ and Spring Awakening 🌸

Spring Awakening Lyrics ask meme

Mama who bore me- What’s your relationship with your parents like?

I have a gr8 relationship with my parents, they’re divorced so I do most general stuff with my mom and then most cooking stuff I’ll do with my dad because we’re both food nerds

No sleep in Heaven- Are you currently worried about something?

nah

Thought is suspect- Do you have any unpopular opinions?

I mean not that I know of?

All will know- what are your plans for the future?

Idk man whatever happens happens

Her silver call- What gives you hope?

The future

The bitch of living- What do you dislike most about your life?

Ummmm highschool lmao

This mess of a life- Do you find it important to feel in control?

Fuck yeah but it doesn’t always happen

It’s so where I live- Do you or your family have any unique traditions?

We do family dinners every Sunday and Christmas competitions every year

To shore- What’s your “happy place”?

At home with my doge and a blanket and some tea

All is forgiven- Is there anything you can’t forgive yourself for?

I mean my anxiety says yes but

Just too unreal- Did you ever get in a situation that felt too good to be true??

Not that I can remember

Grasping at pearls- Do you tend to jump to conclusions too quickly? 

yessssss oh my god

I don’t scream- Are you more likely to protest something that you don’t agree with, or keep it to yourself?

Protest lmao I’m stubborn

Just like she never saw me- Have you ever felt like your problems were getting ignored?

Yeahhh

Well, fine- do you often lie? what do you typically lie about?

I have a lot of little white lies lmao

You tell your soul - What do you do feel better when you’re down?

Text my best friend and cry into food lmao

Flip on a switch- What never fails to brighten up your day?

My doge!

The whispers of fear- What’s your biggest fear?

Spiders, the death of everyone I know, my dog dying, morbid stuff lmao

I believe- What is an important belief of yours?

My belief in equality probably

Peace and joy be with them - What’s the best thing someone said to you?

Probably that I’m pretty

the season for dreaming - What’s your dream?

To be able to travel the world and see stuff

This brave new you that you are - What’s something that changed for the better about you?

I don’t think anything’s really changed but I’ve been attempting to be more open, not that it’s worked

Floating high and blue- What would you consider to be the ideal life for you?

Living somewhere other than the states, working a creative job with intelligent people and having a dog

Beneath the rising moon- What’s your favourite thing about night time?

It’s quiet

Through the open books on the grass- What’s your favourite pastime?

Reading or drawing or being on this blue hellscape

Winter wind sings and it cries- Do you consider yourself an optimist or a pessimist?

hahahaha pessimist  All things he never did- What’s something you always wanted to do, and didn’t (or didn’t yet)?

I’ve always wanted to go to London, which I did, and not I want to go to Ireland so that I guess

It whistles through the ghosts still left behind- What’s a memory you often think about?

The time I wasn’t allowed to wear a bowtie with a uniform but I didn’t fight it

There’s a moment you know you’re fucked- What was your biggest fuck up?

I made someone faceplant at work lmao

Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah - What’s something stupid you remember you or some one else saying?

Something about D.C. being in Virginia

Travel the world within my lips- Ahat was your first kiss like?

Cramped and hot- temperature wise but good

You’re gonna be wounded - Did you ever do something risky that ended up being worth it?

Ummm no I’m not a risk taker lmao

So let that be my story- What’s the biggest lie you ever told?

That I was going to hang out with friends but instead drove 45 minutes away

Something beautiful, a new chance- What are you looking forward to?

Currently? Dinner lmao

You’ve left them far behind- What’s something you decided to leave in the past?

Idk man

And I’ll see their thoughts are known- What are some ideas you feel are important to spread?

Equality, comprehensive sex ed, kindness

The butterfly sings - What makes you feel free?

Nature despite the fact that I hate bugs

Tea ask meme

1: Golden mornings or peachy sunsets?

Peachy sunsets

2: Sugar cones or waffle cones?

Sugar cones

3: Do you wear scarves often? do you have a favorite?

No but I love my mom’s cowl neck infinity scarf it’s so soft

4: How long do you lay in bed before you finally get up?

Like half a goddamn hour lmao

5: Is there a food you’ve never had but always wanted to try?

Macarons, I’ve only had them once and I tried making them and I failed

6: What does your umbrella look like?

It has crowns all over it from the tower of london

7: Do you listen to ASMR?

No

8: Rain storms or a light drizzle?

Rain storms

9: What’s a little thing in life that you love? 

Little acts of kindness that happen in public, like someone paying for someone else’s coffee or something

10: Favorite color aesthetic?

Blue and mint green, pastels, pink and orange

11: Wobbly lines or using a ruler?

Wobbly lines

12:  Bright colorful living room or neutral cozy living room?

Both

13: Do you have any candles? what scents are they?

Yeas pumpkin spice

14: Have you ever rode a horse?

Yesss multiple times it’s fun until you get a tick

15: Do you have glasses? 

Yeah but I wear contacts most of the time

16: What’s a language you’d like to speak?

Sign language or French

17: What’s your favorite season and favorite month in that season?

I love spring, probably like may

18: Do you have a favorite pair of socks?

I have a thick pair of wool socks I got from a gun show and I love them

19: Favorite Ghibli and/or disney movie

Oh my god uhhhh moana?

20: Disney, Dreamworks, or Pixar?

UHHHHHH

21: What snacks do you usually get at the theater?

Gummies or popcorn

22: What’s an underrated video game/ movie/ show you love and think it needs more recognition?

Best in Show

23: Would you fill your house with plants if you had a green thumb?

YEAS

24; All plants are great but do you have a favorite?

I like succulents

25: Do you have a favorite type of art style? (eg: soft looking, no to little color, sketches, crisp and clean, minimalist, pixel art etc.)

Nah man it’s art I like all art

26: What would you do if someone gave you flowers? 

Kiss them probably

27: Do you like nicknames? 

Depends on the nickname

28: Do you still watch shows you watched when you were a kid? even from time to time?

Yeas

29: Do you still like old memes? (tell the truth)

Yeas

30: Favorite Halloween costume you dressed up as? (if you don’t celebrate halloween have you ever cosplayed or would you like to? who did you cosplay as?) 

My 11th doctor costume was lit, I want to cosplay newt Scamander

31:  Are you a fashionable person? 

I like to think I am

32: Do you like watching holiday movies? 

Yeaaasss

33:  Cookies or brownies?

Brownies

34: Do you blow in the cold air just to see your breath?

Yes lmao

35: Do you find the crickets chirping outside your window relaxing? 

Sometimes

36: Do you like cobblestone streets? 

Yes they’re adorable

37:  How often do you doodle? 

A lot

38: When was the last time you blew bubbles?

Idk at least 6 months ago

39: What’s your favorite random piece of decor in your house and room?

I have a mannequin head in my room lmao

40: Do you bite your fingernails off or clip them more often?

I pick at my nails

41: Any birthmarks?

Nah

42: Thoughts on freckles?

Love em

43: First video game you ever played?

Probably mariokart on the DS Lite

44: what type of bird do you hear most often outside your door?

Idk

45: Do you use gifs/ memes a lot when replying to people?

Yes lmao

46: Thoughts on spring? 

I love it

47: Ideal temperature outside?

Like 65 or 70 where it’s warm but not hot… sweater weather

48: Cloudy, partly cloudy, or clear skies?

Partly cloudy but cloudy makes for the best lighting

49: How often do you hear airplanes outside?

I don’t hear them but I see them, i live like 30 mins away from an airport

50: Do you enjoy windy days?

Ehhhhh

Late night ask meme

cosmos: what’s one thing you wish you could say to someone you are no longer friends with? 

 Bye bitch lmaogalaxies: what are three things you want to do before you die?Travel the world, meet brendon urie, and perform with niall horan or ed sheeran lmao 

 waxing: what is your proudest accomplishment?

 I got pictures accepted into a local arts fiesta

 waning: what is your biggest regret? 

 I probably have a lot but I can’t remember them atm 

 full moon: what type of person do you hope to be?

 A humble famous person

 contemplation: if you could wake up one morning and everything in your life was perfect, what would that look like? 

 No deadlines, I’d have a doge and a big house and a huge kitchen somewhere European 

 night light: who/what makes you feel safe?My doge

 ponder: what do you want to do with your life? 

 Something great, I’d like to be able to help people

 sunset: who is someone you thought would be in your life forever, but you no longer talk to? 

 My best friend from elementary school 

 midnight: are you a different person late at night than in the early morning?

 Early morning do not speak to me lmao late at night I’m more chill

 Candle light: are you an indecisive person? 

 Yes oh my god lmao

 reflection: have you ever changed something you liked about yourself to satisfy someone else?

 I’d hope not

 sweet dreams: are you happy?

 Are you bo burnham? I mean for the most part 

 nightmare: what are you most afraid of? 

 See the one above 

 constellations: who is someone you could talk to for hours and never stop?

 My best friend probably 

 reminder: who is someone you will never forget? 

 My sister’s dog Corona who passed away last year 

 11-11: what’s something you want, but feel like you will never have?

I don’t feel like I’ll be completely satisfied with my life ever, which isn’t completely bad but at the same time it is.

shooting star: who is someone you trust to help you make the right decisions?

My best friend or my fam I love my fam

earth: where do you feel most at home?

.... my home...

soothe: what’s one thing that always makes you feel better when you’re upset?

My doge! 

slumber: what’s one thing that helps you fall asleep when it feels impossible?

I have this silky pajama shirt thing I sleep with, so probably that or like the little stuffed giraffe I got as an early christmas gift